1
00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:03,133
Previously on "Mike & Molly.."

2
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,134
How about we hit
a couple of clubs up

3
00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:05,483
after we get off, huh?

4
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:06,919
Have a few drinks,
maybe find some bad girls

5
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,138
who want to cop some pleas.

6
00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:10,967
Uh, or even better,
please some cops.

7
00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:12,621
No, thanks. I got an OA meeting.

8
00:00:12,708 --> 00:00:15,232
Overeaters Anonymous
on a Friday night?

9
00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:16,929
- That is pathetic.
- Oh, I'm pathetic?

10
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,236
Which one of us
lives with his grandma?

11
00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:21,673
Oh, baby, why are you
punishing yourself?

12
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,632
Face it,
you're a big-boned girl.

13
00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:25,590
Bones don't jiggle, mom.

14
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:28,071
[Victoria]
Do I smell your double
chocolate blackout cake?

15
00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:29,420
Fresh out of the oven.

16
00:00:29,507 --> 00:00:30,682
Give me.

17
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,381
Just gonna go to my OA meeting.

18
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:36,079
You're never gonna meet
a cute guy at the Chub Club.

19
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:37,820
Hi, my name is Mike.
I'm an overeater.

20
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:39,561
- Hi, Mike.
- I had a pretty fair week.

21
00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:42,129
I lost three pounds.

22
00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:45,088
Then I took off my shirt,
and I found it right about here.

23
00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:46,437
- Molly.
- Mike.

24
00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:47,960
I'm a fourth grade teacher

25
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,050
and, uh, I'd love to have
a police officer

26
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,964
come and speak to my class.

27
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,531
Okay. I will.

28
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:54,663
Alright.

29
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,795
[instrumental music]

30
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:02,236
Hey, Samuel, could you pour my
diet shake into a malted glass?

31
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What's wrong with this?

32
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,021
Well, it's all about
presentation.

33
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:06,327
See, if my mind thinks
it's drinking

34
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,242
a delicious chocolaty treat

35
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,852
it forgets that it's trying
to choke down

36
00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:12,768
a glass of powdery,
diarrhea-inducing swill.

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00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:17,512
- Coming right up.
- Sometimes it does that, too.

38
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:22,038
Hey, I got tickets to the Cubs
tomorrow night. You want to go?

39
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:25,520
Oh, would love to, but, uh,
I'm going out with Molly.

40
00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:27,304
Really? You finally called her?

41
00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:29,176
Why am I just
hearing about this?

42
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:31,656
Oh, I'm sorry. Haven't you been
following my Facebook page?

43
00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:36,444
Well, I tell you
everything I do.

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00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:39,186
You're not doing anything.

45
00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:40,709
You know,
while that is very hurtful

46
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:43,581
I'm gonna pass that off
as a low blood sugar thing.

47
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:46,628
He said, biting into his
delicious bacon cheeseburger.

48
00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:50,022
So where you taking her?

49
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,286
I got a reservation at that
new French place at Navy Pier.

50
00:01:52,373 --> 00:01:53,417
Mmm, very nice.

51
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:54,549
But don't let 'em talk you

52
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:55,854
into anything with truffles.
Okay?

53
00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,118
That's a scam.
Just fancy-ass fungus.

54
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:00,598
Noted.

55
00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:02,600
What are you gonna wear?

56
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:03,819
A tube top and a tiara.

57
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:06,604
What difference does it make?

58
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:08,215
First impressions, my friend.

59
00:02:08,302 --> 00:02:09,564
Out of the gate,
there's three things

60
00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:10,739
you want a woman
to believe about you.

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00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,088
Oh, good, advice from a man

62
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:14,395
who lives with his grandma.

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One, you're very interested
in what she has to say.

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00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,138
So interject the words "uh-huh"

65
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,530
and "really"
as often as possible.

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00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,010
Trust me,
you can't say it too much.

67
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,446
- Really?
- Uh-huh.

68
00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,406
Two, make her think
you're tortured.

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00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:27,103
Equal parts good and evil,
and there's no telling

70
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,539
which side's gonna win.

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00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:31,020
- Create an illusion of danger.
- Exactly.

72
00:02:31,107 --> 00:02:33,283
Bad boys get all the yum-yum.

73
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:35,894
And three, and most important

74
00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:37,331
make her think
that you can have sex

75
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,028
whenever you want,
with whoever you want

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00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,552
and whatever happens with her
is no big deal.

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- Well, how do you do that?
- It's kind of a Zen thing.

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You got to look at reality
as an illusion, eh?

79
00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:48,951
Therefore, you want nothing
and you need nothing.

80
00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:50,909
It also helps to masturbate
about two or three times

81
00:02:50,996 --> 00:02:52,781
before you leave the house.

82
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,959
Thank you. Very helpful.

83
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,354
I'm a fountain of wisdom.
Drink from me.

84
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:04,184
See, the thing is,
it's not really my style

85
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,186
to pretend to be
somebody I'm not.

86
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:07,622
I mean, what you see
is what you get.

87
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I try to be honest with people.

88
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:11,147
More importantly,
I try to be honest with myself.

89
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:12,496
Who ordered the chocolate malt?

90
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:14,803
♪ I did I did ♪♪

91
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,026
[sneezes]

92
00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:23,028
Oh, God.

93
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:26,031
Great, just what I needed.

94
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[security alarm blaring]

95
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:28,686
Damn it.

96
00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,949
Hey, sweetie,
dinner's almost ready.

97
00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:32,603
Mom, why do you keep
setting the alarm

98
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,039
when you're still in the house?

99
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:35,389
It's just a precaution.

100
00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:37,391
I don't want some
home invader to sneak in

101
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:38,870
while I'm bent over
the dishwasher

102
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and take me against my will.

103
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,746
Oh, sure. Like that's possible.

104
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:50,578
- How was work?
- Great. I'm living the dream.

105
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,797
Uh, hey, you're the one who
wanted to be a schoolteacher.

106
00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:55,365
I wanted you to be
a prima ballerina.

107
00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:56,888
Completely disregarding the fact

108
00:03:56,975 --> 00:03:59,282
that I was 140 pounds
in second grade.

109
00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:03,243
Swans come in all sizes,
potato bug.

110
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:08,291
So what you got going
this weekend? Some fun plans?

111
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:09,597
I'm going to go to dinner
with that cop.

112
00:04:09,684 --> 00:04:12,164
Oh, good for you.

113
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,862
You need to get out more.

114
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,864
I mean, what's it been,
like, a year?

115
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:17,126
Eighteen months.

116
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:18,823
And thank you for asking.

117
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,696
Oh, hey, there's no shame in it.

118
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:24,264
Your Aunt Margaret went
without a man for seven years.

119
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,266
Of course,
she was married to Jesus.

120
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,532
At least until she snapped
and ran off with that

121
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:34,578
Puerto Rican boy who sold
snow cones outside the church.

122
00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:38,669
[security alarm blaring]

123
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:40,236
Darn, what's the code?

124
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,369
It's the house number.

125
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:48,505
[blaring continues]

126
00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:57,035
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

127
00:04:57,122 --> 00:05:01,518
♪ I see love ♪♪

128
00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,354
[instrumental music]

129
00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:17,317
Man, this is one big-ass dummy.

130
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,754
He's got your hairline
and my body.

131
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,974
This could be our baby.

132
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:26,891
Look, I don't think we're gonna
find anything for me here.

133
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:28,371
- Let's go.
- Whoa, whoa, hold on, now.

134
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:29,981
I thought you were
gonna give this a chance.

135
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:31,200
I'm sorry, man,
I'm just not comfortable

136
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,767
trying clothes on in public.

137
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,421
That's why I prefer
shopping on the internet.

138
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:35,770
Yeah, and that's why
most of your clothes

139
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:38,468
fit you like a car cover.

140
00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:40,862
I don't shop for style,
I shop for comfort.

141
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:43,647
Mm-hmm, and keeping the tree sap
off your paint job, I got it.

142
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,303
- Hey-hey, Carl.
- Cousin Andre.

143
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:49,392
Good to see you.
What brings you here?

144
00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:50,785
I brought you a customer.

145
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,352
Mike, meet Andre,
owner and proprietor

146
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:53,570
of Andre's Big And Tall.

147
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:56,094
And Andre's Big And Tall West.

148
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:57,966
So what you looking for today?

149
00:05:58,053 --> 00:05:59,837
Mike's got a hot date, so I'm
trying to get him a new look.

150
00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:00,925
You know, something that pops.

151
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:03,754
All my clothes pop eventually.

152
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:05,321
Well, I'll tell you
right off the bat

153
00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:07,454
I think we need to add
a little color to your wardrobe.

154
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,369
See? He's not wrong.
I mean, look at you.

155
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:11,327
You're dressed like a UPS truck.

156
00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:12,937
Hey, brown is an autumn color.

157
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,939
I have been told
that I am an autumn.

158
00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:17,202
Hmm. You're an autumn
and two months of winter.

159
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:21,555
Look, just give
this a chance, man.

160
00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:23,426
Open yourself up to
a new style, you know

161
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,341
a new look,
maybe even a whole new you.

162
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:27,735
Don't oversell it, brother,
they're just clothes.

163
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:31,303
Alright, what the heck.

164
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,001
There you go.

165
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,481
[sighs]
I'm open to a little color

166
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:35,830
but nothing too crazy.

167
00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:36,874
I mean, I don't want my date

168
00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:37,875
to open the door and scream

169
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,529
"Hey, Kool-Aid!"

170
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,315
I got you. We'll stay away
from primary colors.

171
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,753
Good. And, uh,
no horizontal stripes.

172
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,363
Horizontal stripes?

173
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:49,670
Look, you are not
my first big boy rodeo.

174
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:54,152
Look. Don't worry, I'm not
letting you walk out of here

175
00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:55,371
without looking your best.

176
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:56,546
Hey, and that's the truth.

177
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:57,721
We got a 400-pound uncle

178
00:06:57,808 --> 00:07:00,507
he made look like Wesley Snipes.

179
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,379
He's a handsome man.

180
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:06,295
And everything I sell has
a 30-day money-back guarantee.

181
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:09,603
Unless, of course, you get it
sweaty or spill gravy on it.

182
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,082
Probably don't get
a lot of returns.

183
00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:13,389
Not a one.

184
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:14,608
Well, you wait right here
while I grab

185
00:07:14,695 --> 00:07:15,826
a couple of things off the rack.

186
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:17,262
Oh, feel free to help yourself

187
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:18,699
to some chocolate
milk and hot pockets.

188
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,179
[chuckles]
Hot pockets!

189
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,399
Damn, he's got
an entrepreneurial mind!

190
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:24,835
You getting a kickback here?

191
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,315
Little bit.

192
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:30,188
[instrumental music]

193
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:31,842
[sneezes]
Agh!

194
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:34,366
Molly, you really should call
and cancel with this guy.

195
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,672
I don't want to cancel.

196
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,326
It took him forever
to ask me out.

197
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:39,328
Plus, if I call now
and tell him I'm sick

198
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:41,635
he's gonna think I'm making
some kind of lame excuse.

199
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:42,984
Well, do what you want.

200
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,464
But I'm just saying,
guys hate it

201
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:46,466
when you sneeze
on their wieners.

202
00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:50,774
Here, baby,
drink this cough syrup.

203
00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:52,733
Oh, thank you.

204
00:07:53,821 --> 00:07:54,909
Mm.

205
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:56,476
Whoa-whoa,
slow down there, slugger!

206
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,129
That's got codeine in it.

207
00:07:58,216 --> 00:07:59,348
God, mom!

208
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:01,655
Don't worry, you'll be fine.

209
00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:04,353
As long as you're not
driving a car or nursing a baby.

210
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:06,790
Live and learn.

211
00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:10,838
Well, how do I look?

212
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:14,537
- Very cute.
- Absolutely adorable.

213
00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:17,845
You're lying. I look like
Kathy Bates in "Misery."

214
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,371
That's who it is!

215
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,332
[doorbell rings]

216
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:29,030
Ooh-ooh! Okay,
I need a few more minutes.

217
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:30,379
Okay, take all the time
you need.

218
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:31,467
I'll go stall him.

219
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:32,773
Help your sister
get it together

220
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,775
I'll keep Shrek on ice.

221
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:37,604
Don't tell him I'm sick.

222
00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:39,257
Don't worry,
I've been lying to cops

223
00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:41,346
since you were in
shoplifted diapers.

224
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:45,612
You want a condom?

225
00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:47,701
- No.
- Okay.

226
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:48,745
What about lube?

227
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,399
It's our first date.

228
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:51,748
You know what they say.

229
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,358
Better to have lube
and not need it

230
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:55,665
than need lube and not have it.

231
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:58,668
[security alarm blaring]

232
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,017
Ah, there we go.

233
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:01,410
Come on in.

234
00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:04,587
- She'll be right down.
- Thanks, Mrs. Flynn.

235
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:07,416
My friends call me Joyce.
Sit down.

236
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,200
Thanks, Joyce.

237
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:10,375
Nice sweater.

238
00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:12,203
- Was it a gift?
- No.

239
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,205
Really? You paid for that?

240
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,295
Ah, just yanking your chain.

241
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:19,080
[chuckles]
But-but, seriously

242
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,472
it looks okay, right?

243
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,562
- It's not too garish?
- No, it's nice.

244
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:25,260
Brightens up the room.

245
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,958
So can I get you
something to drink?

246
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,439
Maybe a little eggnog
to go with your sweater?

247
00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:39,535
Come on, pretty girl, wake up.

248
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,799
Oh, God, the codeine.

249
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,671
You want a diet pill?

250
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:47,282
What? Why-what do I want
a diet pill for?

251
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:49,719
It keeps you awake
so you can enjoy the codeine.

252
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:54,028
No, I don't want
a diet pill, mom.

253
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:56,030
I don't want to be a swan.

254
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,075
[snoring]

255
00:09:58,162 --> 00:09:59,642
Mol?

256
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,252
Molly?

257
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,565
You'll thank me later.

258
00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:13,525
Then she dated Brian.

259
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,137
He was sweet,
but queer as a fish.

260
00:10:16,224 --> 00:10:19,227
Um, you know, I actually
walked in on him one night

261
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:21,142
wearing Molly's shoes
and feeding sponge cake

262
00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:23,840
to the Sparkletts man.

263
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,625
Well, you don't have
to worry about that with me.

264
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,017
I don't have a thing
for lady's shoes

265
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:30,238
and I would never share cake.
Ha ha ha.

266
00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:33,154
Any chance we could, uh,
get an ETA on Molly?

267
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:34,982
Let me go check. Uh!

268
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:37,898
Now, she may be on the phone
with one of her other suitors.

269
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,900
But don't worry

270
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:42,642
none of them
have the fashion sense you do.

271
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,819
[door opens]

272
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:47,168
[Joyce]
'What's going on up here?'

273
00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:48,473
'I'm running out of small talk'

274
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,433
'and this guy's
a piece of wood.'

275
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,218
[Victoria]
'We just need another minute.
Make him a snack.'

276
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:57,395
[Joyce]
'Oh, great,
I'll grab a bucket of peanuts.'

277
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,965
Any minute.

278
00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:04,011
Can I get you
a little something to eat?

279
00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:05,316
Oh, no thanks, I consumed

280
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:07,449
a small jungle boy
on the way over.

281
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,410
♪ There she was just
a-walking down the street ♪

282
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:15,979
♪ Singing doo-wah-diddy
diddydum-diddy-doo ♪♪

283
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,677
Unh! Uh! Unh! Unh!

284
00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:20,723
[humming]

285
00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:22,812
Let's go, sweater boy.
Let's jump.

286
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:25,554
[singing indistinctly]

287
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,687
[security alarm blaring]

288
00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:35,912
Lovely chatting with you.

289
00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:43,615
[instrumental music]

290
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:49,186
Wow. A Mitsubishi Galant.

291
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:51,145
I'm guessing '78, '79?

292
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:52,799
- Hmm. '79.
- I knew it.

293
00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:55,671
I know my Galants. Did you know
my dad drove a '79 Galant?

294
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:57,368
- No, I didn't.
- Why would you?

295
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,240
He's dead.
You never met him.

296
00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:03,331
He actually had the five-door
station wagon, cobalt blue.

297
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:05,202
He would turtle wax
that thing every Saturday.

298
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:07,030
My sister and I would drink
cokes in the driveway.

299
00:12:07,117 --> 00:12:09,293
I got to hold the hose.
You ever hold the hose?

300
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:12,644
- 'Uhh!'
- Are you feeling okay?

301
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:16,474
Yeah. I'm just allergic
to Kleenex. Ha ha ha!

302
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:19,564
Oh, God, this car brings
back such good memories.

303
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,044
I remember when I was little..
Well, not little

304
00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:22,872
but little-ish,
my dad would set me

305
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:23,960
on his lap
and let me steer the car.

306
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,353
Now I'm not asking
you to do that.

307
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,833
Let's wait and see
how the date goes

308
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,704
before I start handing out
free lap dances.

309
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,576
You don't talk much, do you?

310
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,883
Well, I pride myself on
being a good listener.

311
00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:34,971
I mean, I think
that's important when--

312
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,233
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

313
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,539
Gonna let a girl
get a word in edgewise?

314
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:38,583
Yap, yap, yap, yap..

315
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,760
Ooh, ooh, fireworks in 20 miles.

316
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:41,891
Oh, you think that's year-round

317
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:44,633
or just on the
fourth of July, huh?

318
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,809
I don't know.
Are-are you feeling okay?

319
00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:49,159
I don't know. Why don't
you feel me and find out.

320
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,034
I'm just kidding..

321
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:57,341
Oh, God.. Look at how red
your big head gets.

322
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:08,222
[sniffs]

323
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:10,920
Ah! That's what mama likes.

324
00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:15,229
I'm sorry, what were you saying?

325
00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:18,623
I was just, uh, asking
if you enjoyed your snapper?

326
00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:20,625
Sure. Do you like your penis?

327
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:25,717
Ooh, I'm sorry.

328
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,024
That was inappropriate.
Ha ha ha.

329
00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:30,635
I'm gonna be honest with you,
I've had some cold medicine

330
00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:32,899
and I'm feeling a little loopy.

331
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,988
Okay, should you be mixing
alcohol with that?

332
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:36,816
Oh, absolutely.

333
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:41,385
So tell me, who is Mike Biggs?

334
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:42,691
You know, what makes him tick?

335
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:43,997
We know he's a cop

336
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,476
but when the badge comes off

337
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:48,001
who's the man,
you know, underneath?

338
00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:51,221
Well, uh, you know, maybe we
should talk about this stuff

339
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,310
then there's a chance
that you might actually

340
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:55,225
remember some of it.

341
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:58,315
No. I want to talk about it now.

342
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,362
Okay, okay, okay, alright. Okay.

343
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:06,280
Alright, okay.
I, uh, I-I live alone.

344
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:09,022
Uh, I like to spend time
with my friends..

345
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,762
- Hold on just a second.
- Ow!

346
00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:13,765
Sorry, but this nose hair

347
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,855
was driving me crazy!

348
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:19,075
I hope you saved room
for dessert.

349
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:21,686
What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

350
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:23,775
Um, I didn't mean..

351
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,168
Uh, you're just assuming

352
00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:26,778
by looking at us two roly-polies

353
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,824
that we're dessert people?

354
00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:29,869
Uh, Molly,
I-I don't think that--

355
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:31,914
I got this, bright eyes.

356
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:34,569
Okay, yes, it's true

357
00:14:34,656 --> 00:14:36,049
we both struggle
with our weight.

358
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:37,877
[whispers]
Him more than me.

359
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,792
You know,
we are actively involved

360
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,794
in a 12-step anonymous program

361
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,274
to deal with our problems.

362
00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:45,580
Do you have any creme brulee?

363
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,538
- Yes.
- One please. Two spoons.

364
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,976
I got to pee like a racehorse.

365
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:52,717
Gangway!

366
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,680
What are you looking at?
Get the creme brulee!

367
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:02,945
[knocks on door]

368
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:05,861
[Mike]
'Molly, you okay in there?'

369
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:07,950
'Molly?'

370
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:09,865
'Chicago PD.'

371
00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:13,695
'Alright, ladies,
I'm coming in.'

372
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,827
Cover your delicates.

373
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:18,265
Molly?

374
00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:31,234
Oh, boy, this could go
a lot of different ways.

375
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,070
You okay?

376
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:43,768
Hey, scram.
I'm trying to vote.

377
00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:52,777
Okay, here we are.

378
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:56,694
I'm so sorry.

379
00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:59,654
Don't be silly.
We all have...off nights.

380
00:16:01,351 --> 00:16:04,050
Thank you. You're very sweet.

381
00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:06,226
- Can I tell you a lil' secret?
- Sure you want to do that?

382
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:10,360
- You've shared a lot tonight.
- Really?

383
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,145
Well, let's just say
that your first period

384
00:16:12,232 --> 00:16:15,496
at sleepaway camp
wasn't the worst of it.

385
00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:18,673
- Oh, God, I didn't.
- It was my fault.

386
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,154
I was having the tomato soup,
and it got you to thinking.

387
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,159
No, look, I'm not
normally like this.

388
00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:27,769
It's just I have
this terrible cold

389
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:30,554
and I didn't wanna cancel on you
because I really liked you

390
00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:32,730
you know, so I was afraid
if I did cancel

391
00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,863
you wouldn't call me back
and now by not canceling

392
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,213
you are never going to call
me back again anyway.

393
00:16:37,822 --> 00:16:39,346
[sighs]

394
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:41,391
Wait, you like me?

395
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,438
Of course I like you.

396
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:46,092
You're a great guy.

397
00:16:46,179 --> 00:16:47,354
Plus, you carried me
out of the toilet

398
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,225
like I was a fairy tale
princess.

399
00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:51,358
Yeah, that was a magical moment,
wasn't it?

400
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:52,402
Yeah.

401
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:57,494
Well...just for the record..

402
00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:00,889
...I really like you, too.

403
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:03,413
Good.

404
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,202
Hang on.

405
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:12,074
[retching]

406
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:19,473
Look, uh, I know this is where

407
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,475
I'm supposed to kiss you
good night, but, uh..

408
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:23,738
It's okay. I got it.

409
00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:26,393
There's only so much a butter
rum lifesaver can cover up.

410
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,612
[both chuckle]

411
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:32,007
So, uh, what do you say
to a complete do-over?

412
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:35,706
What if we just forget this
entire evening ever happened.

413
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:40,015
That would be great. I'd really,
really appreciate it.

414
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:41,669
We may have to pick
a different restaurant.

415
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:44,802
Oh, for sure. In fact,
they actually insisted on it.

416
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:47,066
[chuckles]
Okay, then..

417
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:49,329
Goodnight.

418
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:50,373
Goodnight.

419
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,683
- Hey, Mike.
- Yeah.

420
00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:58,294
Thanks for being
such a gentleman tonight.

421
00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:01,906
Well, you're a lady.
You deserve it.

422
00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:05,127
Thank you.

423
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:08,391
[security alarm blaring]

424
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:09,827
[Joyce]
'If you're an intruder'

425
00:18:09,914 --> 00:18:12,003
'I'm upstairs in the shower.'

426
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,138
[Molly]
'It's me, mom!'

427
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,488
[door shuts]

428
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,969
[instrumental music]

429
00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:26,931
[instrumental music]

430
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:32,894
So..

431
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,461
You gonna keep me in suspense?

432
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:36,245
How'd that sweater
work out for you?

433
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,336
A lot of people made
a lot of comments.

434
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:45,124
I told you. Andre knows
how to gift-wrap a big man.

435
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:47,604
You were right.

436
00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:48,910
I bet she was all over you.

437
00:18:48,997 --> 00:18:52,000
She got a little on me, yeah.

438
00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:54,568
My man!
Tell me, tell me, tell me!

439
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:57,310
Well, let's see, when I picked
her up she was loaded on codeine

440
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,312
and singing at the top
of her lungs.

441
00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:01,923
So far so good.

442
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,316
She then proceeded to drink

443
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,796
an entire bottle
of very expensive wine.

444
00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:06,841
Uh-huh.

445
00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:07,929
After which

446
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:09,713
she yanked a hair out of my nose

447
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,062
started a fight with the waiter

448
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,282
and then passed out
on the crapper.

449
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:18,200
Oh, that doesn't sound so good.

450
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:20,333
It wasn't, Carl.

451
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,509
It was a total disaster.

452
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:24,075
Oh, I'm sorry.

453
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,686
I guess you're never
gonna see her again.

454
00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:27,253
Are you kidding?

455
00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:30,473
I'm gonna marry that girl.

456
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,041
[instrumental music]

457
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,308
[theme music]