Previously on "Mike & Molly.."
How about we hit a couple of clubs up
after we get off, huh?
Have a few drinks, maybe find some bad girls
who want to cop some pleas.
Uh, or even better, please some cops.
No, thanks. I got an OA meeting.
Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night?
- That is pathetic. - Oh, I'm pathetic?
Which one of us lives with his grandma?
Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself?
Face it, you're a big-boned girl.
Bones don't jiggle, mom.
[Victoria] Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake?
Fresh out of the oven.
Give me.
Just gonna go to my OA meeting.
You're never gonna meet a cute guy at the Chub Club.
Hi, my name is Mike. I'm an overeater.
- Hi, Mike. - I had a pretty fair week.
I lost three pounds.
Then I took off my shirt, and I found it right about here.
- Molly. - Mike.
I'm a fourth grade teacher
and, uh, I'd love to have a police officer
come and speak to my class.
Okay. I will.
Alright.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Samuel, could you pour my diet shake into a malted glass?
What's wrong with this?
Well, it's all about presentation.
See, if my mind thinks it's drinking
a delicious chocolaty treat
it forgets that it's trying to choke down
a glass of powdery, diarrhea-inducing swill.
- Coming right up. - Sometimes it does that, too.
Hey, I got tickets to the Cubs tomorrow night. You want to go?
Oh, would love to, but, uh, I'm going out with Molly.
Really? You finally called her?
Why am I just hearing about this?
Oh, I'm sorry. Haven't you been following my Facebook page?
Well, I tell you everything I do.
You're not doing anything.
You know, while that is very hurtful
I'm gonna pass that off as a low blood sugar thing.
He said, biting into his delicious bacon cheeseburger.
So where you taking her?
I got a reservation at that new French place at Navy Pier.
Mmm, very nice.
But don't let 'em talk you
into anything with truffles. Okay?
That's a scam. Just fancy-ass fungus.
Noted.
What are you gonna wear?
A tube top and a tiara.
What difference does it make?
First impressions, my friend.
Out of the gate, there's three things
you want a woman to believe about you.
Oh, good, advice from a man
who lives with his grandma.
One, you're very interested in what she has to say.
So interject the words "uh-huh"
and "really" as often as possible.
Trust me, you can't say it too much.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Two, make her think you're tortured.
Equal parts good and evil, and there's no telling
which side's gonna win.
- Create an illusion of danger. - Exactly.
Bad boys get all the yum-yum.
And three, and most important
make her think that you can have sex
whenever you want, with whoever you want
and whatever happens with her is no big deal.
- Well, how do you do that? - It's kind of a Zen thing.
You got to look at reality as an illusion, eh?
Therefore, you want nothing and you need nothing.
It also helps to masturbate about two or three times
before you leave the house.
Thank you. Very helpful.
I'm a fountain of wisdom. Drink from me.
See, the thing is, it's not really my style
to pretend to be somebody I'm not.
I mean, what you see is what you get.
I try to be honest with people.
More importantly, I try to be honest with myself.
Who ordered the chocolate malt?
♪ I did I did ♪♪
[sneezes]
Oh, God.
Great, just what I needed.
[security alarm blaring]
Damn it.
Hey, sweetie, dinner's almost ready.
Mom, why do you keep setting the alarm
when you're still in the house?
It's just a precaution.
I don't want some home invader to sneak in
while I'm bent over the dishwasher
and take me against my will.
Oh, sure. Like that's possible.
- How was work? - Great. I'm living the dream.
Uh, hey, you're the one who wanted to be a schoolteacher.
I wanted you to be a prima ballerina.
Completely disregarding the fact
that I was 140 pounds in second grade.
Swans come in all sizes, potato bug.
So what you got going this weekend? Some fun plans?
I'm going to go to dinner with that cop.
Oh, good for you.
You need to get out more.
I mean, what's it been, like, a year?
Eighteen months.
And thank you for asking.
Oh, hey, there's no shame in it.
Your Aunt Margaret went without a man for seven years.
Of course, she was married to Jesus.
At least until she snapped and ran off with that
Puerto Rican boy who sold snow cones outside the church.
[security alarm blaring]
Darn, what's the code?
It's the house number.
[blaring continues]
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Man, this is one big-ass dummy.
He's got your hairline and my body.
This could be our baby.
Look, I don't think we're gonna find anything for me here.
- Let's go. - Whoa, whoa, hold on, now.
I thought you were gonna give this a chance.
I'm sorry, man, I'm just not comfortable
trying clothes on in public.
That's why I prefer shopping on the internet.
Yeah, and that's why most of your clothes
fit you like a car cover.
I don't shop for style, I shop for comfort.
Mm-hmm, and keeping the tree sap off your paint job, I got it.
- Hey-hey, Carl. - Cousin Andre.
Good to see you. What brings you here?
I brought you a customer.
Mike, meet Andre, owner and proprietor
of Andre's Big And Tall.
And Andre's Big And Tall West.
So what you looking for today?
Mike's got a hot date, so I'm trying to get him a new look.
You know, something that pops.
All my clothes pop eventually.
Well, I'll tell you right off the bat
I think we need to add a little color to your wardrobe.
See? He's not wrong. I mean, look at you.
You're dressed like a UPS truck.
Hey, brown is an autumn color.
I have been told that I am an autumn.
Hmm. You're an autumn and two months of winter.
Look, just give this a chance, man.
Open yourself up to a new style, you know
a new look, maybe even a whole new you.
Don't oversell it, brother, they're just clothes.
Alright, what the heck.
There you go.
[sighs] I'm open to a little color
but nothing too crazy.
I mean, I don't want my date
to open the door and scream
"Hey, Kool-Aid!"
I got you. We'll stay away from primary colors.
Good. And, uh, no horizontal stripes.
Horizontal stripes?
Look, you are not my first big boy rodeo.
Look. Don't worry, I'm not letting you walk out of here
without looking your best.
Hey, and that's the truth.
We got a 400-pound uncle
he made look like Wesley Snipes.
He's a handsome man.
And everything I sell has a 30-day money-back guarantee.
Unless, of course, you get it sweaty or spill gravy on it.
Probably don't get a lot of returns.
Not a one.
Well, you wait right here while I grab
a couple of things off the rack.
Oh, feel free to help yourself
to some chocolate milk and hot pockets.
[chuckles] Hot pockets!
Damn, he's got an entrepreneurial mind!
You getting a kickback here?
Little bit.
[instrumental music]
[sneezes] Agh!
Molly, you really should call and cancel with this guy.
I don't want to cancel.
It took him forever to ask me out.
Plus, if I call now and tell him I'm sick
he's gonna think I'm making some kind of lame excuse.
Well, do what you want.
But I'm just saying, guys hate it
when you sneeze on their wieners.
Here, baby, drink this cough syrup.
Oh, thank you.
Mm.
Whoa-whoa, slow down there, slugger!
That's got codeine in it.
God, mom!
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
As long as you're not driving a car or nursing a baby.
Live and learn.
Well, how do I look?
- Very cute. - Absolutely adorable.
You're lying. I look like Kathy Bates in "Misery."
That's who it is!
[doorbell rings]
Ooh-ooh! Okay, I need a few more minutes.
Okay, take all the time you need.
I'll go stall him.
Help your sister get it together
I'll keep Shrek on ice.
Don't tell him I'm sick.
Don't worry, I've been lying to cops
since you were in shoplifted diapers.
You want a condom?
- No. - Okay.
What about lube?
It's our first date.
You know what they say.
Better to have lube and not need it
than need lube and not have it.
[security alarm blaring]
Ah, there we go.
Come on in.
- She'll be right down. - Thanks, Mrs. Flynn.
My friends call me Joyce. Sit down.
Thanks, Joyce.
Nice sweater.
- Was it a gift? - No.
Really? You paid for that?
Ah, just yanking your chain.
[chuckles] But-but, seriously
it looks okay, right?
- It's not too garish? - No, it's nice.
Brightens up the room.
So can I get you something to drink?
Maybe a little eggnog to go with your sweater?
Come on, pretty girl, wake up.
Oh, God, the codeine.
You want a diet pill?
What? Why-what do I want a diet pill for?
It keeps you awake so you can enjoy the codeine.
No, I don't want a diet pill, mom.
I don't want to be a swan.
[snoring]
Mol?
Molly?
You'll thank me later.
Then she dated Brian.
He was sweet, but queer as a fish.
Um, you know, I actually walked in on him one night
wearing Molly's shoes and feeding sponge cake
to the Sparkletts man.
Well, you don't have to worry about that with me.
I don't have a thing for lady's shoes
and I would never share cake. Ha ha ha.
Any chance we could, uh, get an ETA on Molly?
Let me go check. Uh!
Now, she may be on the phone with one of her other suitors.
But don't worry
none of them have the fashion sense you do.
[door opens]
[Joyce] 'What's going on up here?'
'I'm running out of small talk'
'and this guy's a piece of wood.'
[Victoria] 'We just need another minute. Make him a snack.'
[Joyce] 'Oh, great, I'll grab a bucket of peanuts.'
Any minute.
Can I get you a little something to eat?
Oh, no thanks, I consumed
a small jungle boy on the way over.
♪ There she was just a-walking down the street ♪
♪ Singing doo-wah-diddy diddydum-diddy-doo ♪♪
Unh! Uh! Unh! Unh!
[humming]
Let's go, sweater boy. Let's jump.
[singing indistinctly]
[security alarm blaring]
Lovely chatting with you.
[instrumental music]
Wow. A Mitsubishi Galant.
I'm guessing '78, '79?
- Hmm. '79. - I knew it.
I know my Galants. Did you know my dad drove a '79 Galant?
- No, I didn't. - Why would you?
He's dead. You never met him.
He actually had the five-door station wagon, cobalt blue.
He would turtle wax that thing every Saturday.
My sister and I would drink cokes in the driveway.
I got to hold the hose. You ever hold the hose?
- 'Uhh!' - Are you feeling okay?
Yeah. I'm just allergic to Kleenex. Ha ha ha!
Oh, God, this car brings back such good memories.
I remember when I was little.. Well, not little
but little-ish, my dad would set me
on his lap and let me steer the car.
Now I'm not asking you to do that.
Let's wait and see how the date goes
before I start handing out free lap dances.
You don't talk much, do you?
Well, I pride myself on being a good listener.
I mean, I think that's important when--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gonna let a girl get a word in edgewise?
Yap, yap, yap, yap..
Ooh, ooh, fireworks in 20 miles.
Oh, you think that's year-round
or just on the fourth of July, huh?
I don't know. Are-are you feeling okay?
I don't know. Why don't you feel me and find out.
I'm just kidding..
Oh, God.. Look at how red your big head gets.
[sniffs]
Ah! That's what mama likes.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
I was just, uh, asking if you enjoyed your snapper?
Sure. Do you like your penis?
Ooh, I'm sorry.
That was inappropriate. Ha ha ha.
I'm gonna be honest with you, I've had some cold medicine
and I'm feeling a little loopy.
Okay, should you be mixing alcohol with that?
Oh, absolutely.
So tell me, who is Mike Biggs?
You know, what makes him tick?
We know he's a cop
but when the badge comes off
who's the man, you know, underneath?
Well, uh, you know, maybe we should talk about this stuff
then there's a chance that you might actually
remember some of it.
No. I want to talk about it now.
Okay, okay, okay, alright. Okay.
Alright, okay. I, uh, I-I live alone.
Uh, I like to spend time with my friends..
- Hold on just a second. - Ow!
Sorry, but this nose hair
was driving me crazy!
I hope you saved room for dessert.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Um, I didn't mean..
Uh, you're just assuming
by looking at us two roly-polies
that we're dessert people?
Uh, Molly, I-I don't think that--
I got this, bright eyes.
Okay, yes, it's true
we both struggle with our weight.
[whispers] Him more than me.
You know, we are actively involved
in a 12-step anonymous program
to deal with our problems.
Do you have any creme brulee?
- Yes. - One please. Two spoons.
I got to pee like a racehorse.
Gangway!
What are you looking at? Get the creme brulee!
[knocks on door]
[Mike] 'Molly, you okay in there?'
'Molly?'
'Chicago PD.'
'Alright, ladies, I'm coming in.'
Cover your delicates.
Molly?
Oh, boy, this could go a lot of different ways.
You okay?
Hey, scram. I'm trying to vote.
Okay, here we are.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be silly. We all have...off nights.
Thank you. You're very sweet.
- Can I tell you a lil' secret? - Sure you want to do that?
- You've shared a lot tonight. - Really?
Well, let's just say that your first period
at sleepaway camp wasn't the worst of it.
- Oh, God, I didn't. - It was my fault.
I was having the tomato soup, and it got you to thinking.
No, look, I'm not normally like this.
It's just I have this terrible cold
and I didn't wanna cancel on you because I really liked you
you know, so I was afraid if I did cancel
you wouldn't call me back and now by not canceling
you are never going to call me back again anyway.
[sighs]
Wait, you like me?
Of course I like you.
You're a great guy.
Plus, you carried me out of the toilet
like I was a fairy tale princess.
Yeah, that was a magical moment, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Well...just for the record..
...I really like you, too.
Good.
Hang on.
[retching]
Look, uh, I know this is where
I'm supposed to kiss you good night, but, uh..
It's okay. I got it.
There's only so much a butter rum lifesaver can cover up.
[both chuckle]
So, uh, what do you say to a complete do-over?
What if we just forget this entire evening ever happened.
That would be great. I'd really, really appreciate it.
We may have to pick a different restaurant.
Oh, for sure. In fact, they actually insisted on it.
[chuckles] Okay, then..
Goodnight.
- Hey, Mike. - Yeah.
Thanks for being such a gentleman tonight.
Well, you're a lady. You deserve it.
Thank you.
[security alarm blaring]
[Joyce] 'If you're an intruder'
'I'm upstairs in the shower.'
[Molly] 'It's me, mom!'
[door shuts]
[instrumental music]
So..
You gonna keep me in suspense?
How'd that sweater work out for you?
A lot of people made a lot of comments.
I told you. Andre knows how to gift-wrap a big man.
You were right.
I bet she was all over you.
She got a little on me, yeah.
My man! Tell me, tell me, tell me!
Well, let's see, when I picked her up she was loaded on codeine
and singing at the top of her lungs.
So far so good.
She then proceeded to drink
an entire bottle of very expensive wine.
Uh-huh.
After which
she yanked a hair out of my nose
started a fight with the waiter
and then passed out on the crapper.
Oh, that doesn't sound so good.
It wasn't, Carl.
It was a total disaster.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess you're never gonna see her again.
Are you kidding?
I'm gonna marry that girl.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]