I don't see understand why someone would pay to see
a movie and then talk through the whole thing.
That was so cool when you flashed your badge at 'em.
[imitating Mike] "If you people need to chat, we can chat downtown."
I'll be honest, it wasn't even my badge.
It was York Peppermint Pattie.
You wanna come in for a little while?
Uh, that sounds tempting, but I-I got an early morning.
And I-I don't want to disturb your mom or your sister.
- They're not here. - Really?
Mom's taking a pole dancing class at the senior center.
And my sister, well, she could be handcuffed
to just about anything right now.
That's interesting. So it'd be just the two of us.
- A nice round number. - I like round numbers.
That's good, 'cause you're kissing one.
I'm sorry, but, uh, I-I really have to go.
Oh. You sure?
Uh, yeah, as much as I'd love to stay, uh
I got to get my full eight hours to function properly.
Otherwise, I'm not clear-headed and..
...I mistake a pickle for a gun and
bang! Somebody ends up dead.
Enough said. Thanks for the movie.
You're welcome. Goodnight.
Night.
Okay, it's not me.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Can't believe it. I've lost two hats in one month.
Well, why do you think they call it the Windy City?
I don't know, Carl, 'cause it's windy?
I've told you before, you should get yourself a chin strap.
Sure, maybe add a little propeller on top
and just go full Tweedledum.
It's better than running through traffic screaming
"My hat, my hat!"
And what are you two bitches
fighting about today?
Just pour the coffee, Samuel. And I'll have my usual.
As you wish, tiny dancer.
I'm getting a little tired of the wisecracks about my size.
I'm a customer here, and I'd like to be treated as such.
He lose another hat?
The thing popped off his head
like a champagne cork.
- Did he try to chase it? - About half a block.
I was trying to get video on my cell phone
but I was laughing too hard.
So the motto, "What happens on the beat stays on the beat"
means nothing to you.
You didn't keep it to yourself that time
I pierced my nipple putting on my badge.
I had to tell people.
Everybody thought the smoke alarm was going off.
I still can't wear a leather vest without a shirt.
You shouldn't anyway.
So how was your date with Molly last night?
It was fine, we went to the movies
and then had a bite to eat after.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong.
But that's, like, the third date, isn't it?
Uh, yeah, give or take.
- So? - So, what?
So who was givin', and where
was she takin' it?
Whoa. Now, hang on, Carl.
This is a nice girl you're talking about.
And I'm an old-fashioned guy.
We're just gonna take our time and not rush into anything.
You sure it's not because you don't want her
to see your big, naked, pasty-white heinie?
What? Wh-where's this coming from?
I'm just saying, I know you're sensitive about your size.
And the idea of taking your clothes off
in front of a woman must be a scary thing.
Please. I don't have a problem with that.
It's just that I'm a gentleman and I-I care about her.
You're also a busty man who wears a T-shirt in the shower.
Don't act like I don't know you, 'cause I do.
You don't know me like you think you do.
There's levels to me. I run very deep.
You sure don't run very fast
'cause your hat's in Skokie right about now.
You know what, Carl? You're full of crap.
And I don't have to sit here and listen to this.
Breakfast is served.
It's a dilemma for sure.
If my blood sugar wasn't low, I'd be out of here, pal.
Do you think that cop spent the night?
I have no idea.
But I'm sure when his feet hit the floor, we'll know it.
Hey.
- Mornin'. - Mornin'.
You're getting a pretty late start.
Well, a bottle of schnapps and a half a bag of Oreos
knocked me on my ass.
And the sweet, sweet lovin', right?
How was it? Was it good?
Is he still up there?
No, he's not still up there.
He never even made it in the house.
Ooh. You did it on the porch?
That'll teach the people next door
for puttin' up that ugly mailbox.
Is there something wrong with me?
I practically threw myself at him
and he ran out of here like he heard an ice cream truck.
Well, maybe he did hear an ice cream truck.
No. I just don't think he's attracted to me.
I mean, that was the third date.
That's usually the come-and-get-it date, right?
Well, for your sister, it's usually
the come-and-get-it- for-the-third-time date.
Were you giving him clear signals?
'Cause he looks like he's eaten his share of paint chips.
I did everything, but lift my skirt
and fire a starter's pistol.
You know what I'd do if I'm with a guy
that's not getting it?
I pull out one of my boobs
and start smacking him in the face.
There you go. Give him a good boob smack.
I just don't think I have the personality
to pull that off.
Maybe he wants to take things slow.
Get to know you before you leap into bed.
Yeah, 'cause that's what guys do.
You know what? No. I'm too old to play these games.
I-I lead a rich, full life.
And I don't need him or any other man
to validate me.
You go, girl.
Okay, we got to find her a fella before she fills this house up
with crucifixes and pussycats.
[instrumental music]
Well, I think you look very distinguished.
Like one of those guys that guards
the Queen of England. Regal.
I look like I'm baking bread in my neck.
[cell phone ringing]
Hello? Oh, hey, Molly.
I'm glad you called.
About tonight, listen, I was thinking
maybe we could grab an early dinner and..
Oh, really? Stomach flu, huh?
She's got the trots.
Yeah, you don't want to be too far away from home
with that going on. That's a mistake you only make once.
You had to buy a new hat after that too, huh?
Do you mind?
Listen, I hope you feel better.
And I'll call you in a couple days.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Poor thing. She's got it both ends, no waiting.
Uh-huh. You believe that story?
Why wouldn't I?
Well, in my experience, when a woman cancels a date
the night of, she's not really sick.
And her uncle's not really dead
and her hamster doesn't really need
hip replacement surgery.
Trust me, I know when a woman's into me.
And this woman is into me big-time.
You should have seen her last night.
She was all over me.
Well, then, why'd you put the brakes on?
I told you, it's because we're taking it slow.
It's got nothing to do with my weight.
Hey, I didn't say a word.
That's it. Pull over!
- What? - Pull the car over!
Alright.
You know, you think you know everything
but you don't know squat.
Where are you going?
- I'm walking. - Suit yourself.
[Mike] 'Crap!'
[wind whooshing]
What are you waiting for? Follow that hat!
[siren blaring]
So, let me get this straight.
It's a show about guys
driving trucks across icy roads?
Well, there's a lot more to it than that.
Sometimes the trucks are hauling lumber.
'Sometimes metal pipes.'
One time, this guy was hauling a giant moose in a cage.
- What for? - I don't know.
I guess somebody needed a moose.
[doorbell rings]
- Are you stoned? - You're not?
- Hello. - How are you?
- You Molly? - I am. Can I help you?
Name's Moranto. Vincent Moranto.
I'm a friend of your mother's.
Okay.
Well, you going to ask me in?
Uh, I wasn't planning on it.
Oh. It's alright. Your mom and I go way back.
I own my own business.
I make the little pillows they use on airplanes.
Lot of money in those little pillows
if you're willing to overlook child labor laws.
Okay.
Your mom tells me you're single.
Yeah, hang on a second. Mom!
Whoa!
Set of lungs on you, huh?
I like a woman who's not afraid to let go.
Shows passion.
I like passionate women.
You must be the other daughter.
You're stacked like a deli sandwich.
Vince, what a surprise.
What surprise? You called me, told me to come over.
- Did you meet Molly? - Yes, mom, we met.
Vince is a widower.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Hey, people live, people die. What are you gonna do?
The good news is I'm still a vibrant man
with a lot of love to give the right woman.
Thank you, Viagra.
Vince's wife was a little on the heavy side
wasn't she, Vin?
Precious little butterball.
Had a thing for pistachio ice cream. Ate it by the bucket.
Okay, well, nice to meet you.
Mom, can I talk to you privately?
- Excuse us. - No problem.
Doesn't kick in for an hour.
By the way, if this don't play out with your sister
I am on you like stink.
- What the hell are you doing? - What?
Just introducing two nice people. What's your problem?
The guy's got 20 years on me, easily.
So he'll die sooner and leave you
with a nice house and a lot of little pillows.
Look, I know in your own weird way
you're trying to help, but don't, okay?
Just go talk to the man.
He drove all the way over from Evanston.
And with cataracts to boot.
- I got to get out of here. - Hey!
You leave me alone with him, you might come home
to find out you've got a new daddy.
[instrumental music]
Hi, I'm Marty. And I'm an overeater.
[in unison] Hi, Marty.
Since I've been in the program
I've lost twelve and a half pounds.
Bite me, Marty.
Anyway, it's been a really inspiring week for me.
I finished third in the Chicago triathlon.
My new abs video is selling like gangbusters.
Look at me, I can do a sit-up.
And best of all, I got engaged to that beautiful swimsuit model
I was telling you about last week. Rhiannon.
I hope she gives you the clap.
[Marty] '...my battle with food better than her.'
'I mean, I know right now I look like I'm winning..'
- Molly? - '...fight, but it's a life..'
Ah, crap.
[indistinct chattering]
Molly, wait!
'Molly, wait. Molly.'
Molly!
Hey, Molly!
Molly! Hey!
Yo, Molly, slow down!
Where you going? Hey!
Molly. Come on.
Molly!
Molly, stop, please! I'm begging you.
[both panting]
Why'd you run away?
I don't want to see you anymore.
[instrumental music]
Lot of pretty ladies here tonight, huh, Samuel?
Shall we begin our approach? I'm fully engorged.
Whoa, slow down, brother.
You never buy the first car you see on the lot.
And also remember not to set your sights too high.
Are you telling me to pursue ugly women?
Because an ugly woman I can get without your help.
- Hey. - What happened to you?
- Molly dumped me. - Oh.
And you were right, she was lying about being sick.
Yeah, women don't usually play the diarrhea card
until they're done with you.
I thought she was the one, Carl.
I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with that woman.
With the way you are breathing
that would have been
just another 20 minutes.
A little sympathy right now would be appropriate.
I'm really hurting.
Your self-pity shrivels my gonads.
What?
Do you know in the village
I grew up in, a large man
like you gets all the women?
- Really? - 'Oh, yes.'
A sizeable man represents
great wealth and power.
You go to my country, you get more ass
than an elephant's back.
That's something to think about.
Location, location, location.
Another pitcher of beer and more pretzels for my men!
No, no. No more pretzels.
You've had enough pretzels.
You're supposed to be on a diet.
The hell with diets!
Why should I struggle to maintain this figure
if nobody's ever gonna love me?
Hey, I love you.
Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
You're not gonna say it back, are you?
Selfish son of a bitch.
If we are willing to take a risk
there's a girl's number on the stall door
and she is available to do anything.
No, I already tried it.
It was just some high school kid calling me a homo.
Hey, we don't need women.
I mean, they don't do anything, but cause problems.
He ain't wrong.
This would be a much better world
if there were no women mucking it up.
Just guys hanging out with other guys.
Not to be a stick-in-the-mud
but I am not drunk enough for what you are implying
and you are implying stick in the mud.
Am I right?
No.
I-I'm just saying that we can have fun w-without women.
Damn right. We're three single, attractive men.
- The world is our oyster. - 'Absolutely.'
We can go anywhere, do anything we want.
And we don't need women to do it.
- Where are we going? - Strip club.
Strip club!
Maybe we should just hit a white castle, call it a night.
No, no, we're not going home
till we see some naked female bodies.
Excuse me.
- Ndugu? - Go cubbies.
Right. Uh, listen, my man.
Could you please take us to the nearest strip club?
Bikini or all nude?
- I'm thinking all nude. - Definitely.
If we're going bird watching, I want to see a bald eagle.
I wonder if some of those women don't feel comfortable
getting totally nude.
Well, then they should've finished high school.
All I'm saying, maybe taking your clothes off
in front of strangers can be a little scary.
I knew it.
I knew that's what was going on with you.
You were right, Carl.
But I had to come to it myself.
Well, I should know not to push you.
Give me some love.
If they start kissing, pull over and I'll walk home.
And by home I mean Africa.
Wait, wait, what do I say here?
Just start talking and see where the liquor takes you.
[doorbell rings]
You're a good friend, Carl. I really do love you.
I'm sorry I hesitated before.
It's alright, man. I know what's in your heart.
And I love you, Samuel.
And I know when I get to know you better
I will love you.
- Ndugu. - And Ndugu to you, too.
What the hell is this, "The Little Rascals?"
I apologize for the lateness of the hour, Mrs. Flynn
but I really need to talk to Molly.
Well, she doesn't wanna talk to you.
[door slams shut]
Eh, she didn't let the liquor
get a word in edgewise.
So, what now? Strip club?
No.
So far this week, I've lost three hats and a girlfriend.
And I ain't calling it a night until I get one of them back.
Uh, what is the significance of
"Three hats and a girlfriend?"
I don't know.
A lot of what they say is just gibberish to me.
[clattering]
What the hell?
♪ When chains are torn ♪
♪ By courage born ♪
♪ A time when dreams ♪
♪ So long denied ♪
♪ Can flourish ♪♪
Sweet Jesus! What are you doin'?
Thy mother shall not keep me
from thy maidenhead.
Am I the only one touched
by the romance of this moment?
No. I feel it too.
Yeah, it's a Hallmark moment until Romeo falls
and crushes us to death.
Are you crazy? You're gonna kill yourself.
I don't care.
I need to tell you something.
The other night when we were kissing and you invited me in
I panicked because I didn't want you
to see me without my clothes on.
What? Why?
I was hoping to lose a little weight first
so you'd be turned on by me.
Oh, Mike. How much weight are you talking about?
I don't know, 160 pounds.
You idiot.
I don't know if you've noticed this
but I'm not exactly perfect.
You are to me.
- Get in here. - Alright.
But I've had a lot to drink
and the first one might not be that great.
- Just get in here. - Uh..
Mike? Mike?
[Mike snoring]
Now that's not something you see every day.
A house giving birth.
Hey, little help!
[instrumental music]
Hey, Molly?
What?
Tonight's probably not gonna happen.
I understand.
I just really want our first time to be perfect.
Me too.
I'm sorry if you felt like I was rushing things.
I just really wanted you.
I want you too.
♪ A time for love ♪♪
Okay.
Try and get a little sleep.
Yeah, sleep's good.
- Goodnight, Molly. - Goodnight, Mike.
Goodnight, Carl.
Goodnight, Mike.
- Goodnight, Molly. - Goodnight, Carl.
- Goodnight, Samuel. - Goodnight, Molly.
[Mike] 'Goodnight, Samuel.'
[Samuel] 'Goodnight, Mike.'
[Carl] 'Goodnight, Samuel.'
[Samuel] 'Goodnight, Carl.'
[instrumental music]
[theme music]