1 00:00:01,610 --> 00:00:03,003 [humming] 2 00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:10,184 Are you wearing cologne? 3 00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:13,317 Yeah, I dabbed a little smell-good behind my earlobes. 4 00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:16,451 It's nice. Kind of a leathery mesquite sort of deal. 5 00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:19,497 Like a barbecued baseball glove. 6 00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:21,456 [humming] 7 00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,246 What is that tune? 8 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:31,031 You've been humming it all morning. 9 00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:32,684 It's from "The marriage of Figaro." 10 00:00:32,771 --> 00:00:35,644 By Mr. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. 11 00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:38,603 Mozart, huh? Well, anything's better than hearing you sing 12 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:41,215 "I'm too sexy for my shirt." 13 00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:43,260 I'm trying to broaden my horizons 14 00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:45,915 so Molly took me to the symphony last night. 15 00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:47,395 Wait a second, you went to the symphony? 16 00:00:47,482 --> 00:00:50,137 Yeah, it was lovely. Very classy, very elegant. 17 00:00:50,224 --> 00:00:53,053 - So you fell asleep. - Almost immediately. 18 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,794 I did fart myself awake a couple of times. 19 00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:59,320 But for the most part, out like a light. 20 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,844 Look at you. Sleeping at the symphony. 21 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:04,238 Well, la-di-da. 22 00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:06,544 Afterwards, Molly and I went out for a spot of tea. 23 00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,155 Hang on a second. You're drinking tea now? 24 00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:10,592 Oolong. 25 00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,203 - It's antioxidant. - And what's that? 26 00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:15,901 I assume it's something that is against oxidants. 27 00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:21,516 Also tastes like a cup of hot ass. 28 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:24,910 Wow. This woman is giving you a complete makeover, isn't she? 29 00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:26,956 - What are you talking about? - Going to the symphony. 30 00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,827 Drinking tea. 31 00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:30,525 Next thing you know, you'll be carrying her purse and asking 32 00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:33,571 permission to visit your balls on the weekend. 33 00:01:33,658 --> 00:01:35,486 Hang on a second, are you saying I'm whipped? 34 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,576 Because I am not whipped. I am still very much my own man. 35 00:01:38,663 --> 00:01:41,275 Okay, now let me ask, if you don't say that, does she hit ya? 36 00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:42,928 It's not like that, Carl. 37 00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:44,582 In fact, we're not even seeing each other tonight. 38 00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:46,584 Good for you, it's important that a man 39 00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,238 maintain his identity. 40 00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:51,067 I agree. I told her I needed this evening to myself. 41 00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:53,765 She understood, so she's gonna meet us later for lunch. 42 00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:57,465 That's why you're wearing that cologne, isn't it? 43 00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,510 - Maybe. - Figures. 44 00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:01,947 God forbid you should smell nice for me once in a while. 45 00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:08,911 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 46 00:02:08,998 --> 00:02:11,914 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 47 00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:24,056 - What's the soup today? - It's pea soup. 48 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,102 - Ooh, I love pea soup. - Ah, ah, ah. 49 00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:27,625 You know that's loaded with salt and fat. 50 00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:29,410 Come on. I've been doing really good. 51 00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:30,846 Because I'm the one that's been standing guard 52 00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:33,718 over your pie hole. 53 00:02:33,805 --> 00:02:36,112 For him pea soup ain't nothing But a ham delivery system. 54 00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:39,898 Fine, I'll have the small dinner salad 55 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,596 and two scoops of cottage cheese. 56 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,772 - I'll have the same. - And I'll have the pea soup. 57 00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,168 So, how long have you guys been partners? 58 00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,605 - Uh, about four years. - What are you talking about? 59 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,302 We've been partners for almost five years. 60 00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,522 - It hasn't been that long. - Oh, yes it has. 61 00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:56,306 Five years this November. 62 00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:59,091 Wow. That's longer than any relationship I've ever had. 63 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,050 Except maybe Colonel Sanders. 64 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:05,010 It hasn't been easy, trust me. 65 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,013 Do you remember the day in November? 66 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,972 Well, I'd have to check my diary. 67 00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:16,108 He makes everything a joke. Thinks it hides his insecurity. 68 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,849 It was the eighth, our first day 69 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:19,634 as partners was November the eighth. 70 00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,810 There you go. Five years, November the eighth. 71 00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,073 Well, congratulations, you two. 72 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,249 What's the anniversary on this? I think it's wood. 73 00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:34,214 Please, don't give me wood, Carl. 74 00:03:37,739 --> 00:03:39,306 How can you not remember that day? 75 00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:41,351 We had seven inches of snow, you slipped on the ice 76 00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:44,006 almost flattened a small dog. 77 00:03:44,093 --> 00:03:45,616 Fine, November the eighth. What do you want me to do? 78 00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,401 - Tattoo it on my forehead? - Mm-mmm. 79 00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:48,663 Tattoo it on your eating hand. 80 00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:51,187 That way you'll be sure to remember it. 81 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:52,971 Always got to play the fat card, huh? 82 00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,931 I play the hand I'm dealt. 83 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,759 Wow, you guys sound just like an old married couple. 84 00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,108 - What? - What are you talking about? 85 00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:00,501 You know, the way you do the little 86 00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:02,285 back and forth bickering thing that you do. 87 00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:03,721 Oh, that's not bickering. 88 00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:05,506 That's just two guys busting each other's stones. 89 00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,377 Male camaraderie, like Batman and Robin. 90 00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,553 - Right. I'm Batman. He's Robin. - Who you calling Robin? 91 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,860 - I'm Batman. - No, no, no. 92 00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:14,558 - I have always been Batman. - I drive the car. 93 00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,734 - I'm Batman. - I let you drive the car. 94 00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:19,824 Because I'm the senior officer. That makes me Batman. 95 00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,261 No, no, you let me drive the car 96 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:22,610 so you can take one of your little bat-naps. 97 00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:24,481 See? You said it. I'm Batman. 98 00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:26,483 - Don't twist my words. - I'm not twisting your words. 99 00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:28,050 - Just stating a fact. - It's about the soup isn't it? 100 00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:29,791 I just wanted one bowl. 101 00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:31,880 'You've never had one bowl of anything in your life.' 102 00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:34,186 That was great, huh? 103 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,319 Molly just gets cuter everyday. 104 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,756 You both do. 105 00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:40,671 You guys seem to really have something special. 106 00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,674 You can see it, right? I mean, it's palpable. 107 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,372 - Palpable? - You know. 108 00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:48,026 Obvious, evident, tangible. 109 00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:51,073 Since when did you become big word bob? 110 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,771 Molly gave me one of those word-a-day calendars. 111 00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:56,121 It's fun. Yesterday, I used "malicious." 112 00:04:56,208 --> 00:04:57,209 No, you were trying to say "delicious" 113 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,472 but you had food in your mouth. 114 00:04:58,559 --> 00:05:02,258 Still counts. 115 00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,216 Look, I'm happy that you're learning new words 116 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,697 and falling asleep at fancy places but I don't think 117 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,308 we should have lunch with your girlfriend anymore. 118 00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:09,570 Why not? 119 00:05:09,657 --> 00:05:11,311 Because we are paid to serve and protect 120 00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:13,487 the good citizens of Chicago. 121 00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:15,663 So, even when we're having lunch, we're on duty. 122 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:17,360 I mean, what if a couple of cop-hating gangbangers 123 00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:18,709 had walked by and started shooting? 124 00:05:18,796 --> 00:05:20,711 Carl, the only time we've ever been fired at 125 00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:23,888 Is when we get egged on Halloween. 126 00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,760 So, do you want to see your little school teacher 127 00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:29,241 to take the Grade A double yolk to the back of her head? 128 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,895 - No. - ''Course you don't.' 129 00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:34,072 That stings like a bitch. 130 00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:37,162 Alright, I hear what you're saying but you sure it's not 131 00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:39,469 because you're a little jealous of me and Molly? 132 00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:42,298 What? I'm not even gonna dignify that. 133 00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:43,995 Sorry. 134 00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,301 I've been nothing but supportive 135 00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,782 of you and your relationship with Molly. 136 00:05:47,869 --> 00:05:51,046 - Again, sorry. - You are forgiven. 137 00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,135 By the way, the next time you bring up being senior officer 138 00:05:53,222 --> 00:05:54,876 I'm bringing up fitness reports. 139 00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:56,530 We'll see who's Batman and who's Robin. 140 00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:03,537 Yeah, I had a great day, too. 141 00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:04,581 The highlight, of course, 142 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,801 being lunch with you. 143 00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:10,544 No, I mean it, one might say it was the pinnacle of my day. 144 00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:12,676 [knock at door] 145 00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:15,462 So what are you doing right now? 146 00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:18,247 Me? Nothing. Carl came over. We're gonna watch the game. 147 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,165 No, it's not the Bears. 148 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,907 If it was the Bears, I wouldn't be on the phone with you. 149 00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:28,997 Sit down. What are you waiting for? 150 00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:30,738 No, I was talking to Carl. 151 00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,740 Molly says to tell you hello. 152 00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:34,132 [in high pitch] Hi, Molly. 153 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,658 Carl sends his warmest salutations. 154 00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:41,226 Carl, you mind? I'm on the phone. 155 00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:46,841 - What are you doing? - What are you doing? 156 00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:48,146 I came over to watch a football game 157 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,757 not watch you talk on the phone. 158 00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:52,542 I should probably go. Robin's in a mood. 159 00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:58,069 - What is your problem? - I don't have a problem. 160 00:06:58,156 --> 00:06:59,506 Got you some hot wings. 161 00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,421 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 162 00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:02,900 I thought you deserved a little reward after 163 00:07:02,987 --> 00:07:04,859 the strength you showed with the pea soup. 164 00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:09,994 So, what's your girlfriend up to tonight? 165 00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,780 I don't know. She's probably just hanging out. 166 00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:15,478 Uh-huh. And she called to ask you to come over? 167 00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:18,568 No. I mean, the subject did come up 168 00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:22,050 But I, of course, told her that you and I already had plans 169 00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,748 and what kind of friend would I be if I blew those off? 170 00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:26,620 Oh, yeah, I think I heard that. 171 00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:30,145 That was the part when you said "Nothing. It's just Carl." 172 00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:32,843 - Why you being so sensitive? - I'm not being sensitive. 173 00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:34,758 I just don't appreciate being taken for granted. 174 00:07:34,845 --> 00:07:37,282 - Sorry. - Forget about it. 175 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:38,545 Let's just watch the game. 176 00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,077 Just go. 177 00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,732 - I'll lock up. - Thanks, man. 178 00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:56,214 If I were a lesser man, I'd do a weenie rub 179 00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:57,477 on all his juice glasses. 180 00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:05,485 Tell me what you're thinking about right now. 181 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:06,834 Honestly? 182 00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:09,184 Yeah, whatever's in your heart. 183 00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:10,707 I'm worried about Carl. 184 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,319 You got your tongue halfway down my throat 185 00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:16,539 and you were thinking about Carl? 186 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:20,108 No, not in that way. Wow, you really know how to kill a mood. 187 00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,937 - I'm the mood killer? - I just feel bad for him. 188 00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,591 - Why? - I don't know. 189 00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:26,984 He doesn't have anybody in his life. 190 00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:28,812 Well, would it make you feel better 191 00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,511 if you were kissing him and thinking about me? 192 00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,208 Oh, I wish it were that simple. 193 00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:37,081 Alright, kids, I'm hitting the hay. 194 00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:39,475 Oh, you spending the night, tons o' fun? 195 00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,435 No, ma'am. 196 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,655 Well, I'm just asking 'cause I sleep in the buff 197 00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,657 and I get up a lot to tinkle. 198 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,659 Hate for you to bump into me in the hallway 199 00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:52,096 and find yourself with a difficult choice to make. 200 00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:58,712 - Anyway, goodnight. - Goodnight, Mrs. Flynn. 201 00:08:58,799 --> 00:09:00,627 Night, mom. 202 00:09:00,714 --> 00:09:02,411 We buy her a bathrobe every Christmas 203 00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:04,065 but she never gets the hint. 204 00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,023 The FedEx guy bought her three before he quit. 205 00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:14,989 Here's a thought. Maybe we could hook Carl up with someone. 206 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,295 And we're back to Carl. 207 00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:20,037 I'm sorry. He's my best friend. 208 00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:22,213 I just want him to be happy. 209 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,867 So then, if he has a girlfriend.. 210 00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:25,956 He drops me like a handful of hot nickels. 211 00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:29,177 It's a win-win. 212 00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:31,135 Oh, hey, hey, hey. 213 00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:33,834 Cop in the house. 214 00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,358 I'll be right back. I have to go flush something. 215 00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:46,107 Hey. How about me, you, and one of your girlfriends 216 00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:49,153 go out for a drink, and I could invite Carl to join us? 217 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,851 Like a double date? I don't know. 218 00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:55,029 All my teacher friends are either married or gay or both. 219 00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:58,162 One of them just adopted an adorable Chinese girl. 220 00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:01,992 How old's she? 221 00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:05,300 I don't know if this is cake or cheese 222 00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:06,736 but it's really good. 223 00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:13,395 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 224 00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:14,875 No, I am not. 225 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:21,316 Alright, after brother Haywood introduces me 226 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,405 you're gonna start in real soft. 227 00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:25,102 [soft piano music] 228 00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:26,930 Not too soft, the whole choir's gonna be 229 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:30,020 flapping them paper fans. 230 00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:33,023 - I got it, grandma. - I'll tell you when you got it. 231 00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,546 [music continues] 232 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,288 Then I'm gonna step to the podium.. 233 00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:40,030 ...nod towards the congregation.. 234 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,554 ...give a little knowing wink to brother Haywood.. 235 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,209 ...then blow the rafters off that house of Jesus. 236 00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:48,648 [piano music] 237 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:52,129 ♪ Ooh you know they tell me of a home ♪ 238 00:10:52,216 --> 00:10:54,523 ♪ Far beyond the skies ♪ 239 00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,873 ♪ And they tell me of a land ♪ 240 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,049 ♪ Far away ♪ 241 00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:01,661 ♪ Ooh tell me of a home ♪ 242 00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:04,054 ♪ Where no storm clouds rise ♪ 243 00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:06,709 ♪ You know they tell me ♪ 244 00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:13,673 ♪ Of an unclouded day.. ♪ 245 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,855 ♪ Oh yeah yeah yeah ♪♪ 246 00:11:21,942 --> 00:11:23,291 [doorbell rings] 247 00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:24,684 Oh, thank you, God. 248 00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:30,037 - Hey, you busy right now? - Why? What's up? 249 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,866 Hey, Michael! Come on in, sweetness! 250 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:35,869 Leaving your friend standing out there like a Jehovah's witness! 251 00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:40,351 Wipe your feet we just vacuumed the rug. 252 00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:42,353 Oh, we did? 253 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,356 Boy ain't touched a vacuum cleaner since he was 13 years 254 00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:47,794 old, and I ain't gonna tell you what he was doing with it. 255 00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:55,497 Can I get you some iced tea, maybe something harder? 256 00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:57,542 If you don't drink on Saturday night you got nothing 257 00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:00,981 to talk to Jesus about on Sunday mornin'. 258 00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:04,114 Nah, I'm fine, nana. I just came by to ask Carl something. 259 00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:06,551 - Whatchu want? - Listen to him. 260 00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:10,077 "Whatchu want?" Trying to act all gangster and everything. 261 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:13,036 Boy's about as gangsta as a fig Newton! 262 00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:18,128 I'm on my way over to Molly's to take her and her sister out 263 00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:20,348 for a drink, and I thought you might want to join us. 264 00:12:20,435 --> 00:12:22,263 I don't know, it's kind of last-minute. 265 00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:24,874 Kind of last-minute? 266 00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:28,051 This man is offering you a chance at a real live woman. 267 00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:30,010 You'd best be putting on some clean drawers 268 00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:31,968 and praying she ain't picky. 269 00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:36,668 I got this, grandma. I'm a grown man...this is my life. 270 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,845 Well, you better hurry up and start living it, 'cause 271 00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:41,543 the vacuum cleaner ain't gonna give me no great-grandbabies. 272 00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:47,810 Let me change my shirt! 273 00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:59,866 So, Victoria, exactly what is it you do? 274 00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,216 What do you mean? 275 00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:05,262 He means, do you work or have a job of any kind? 276 00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,134 Oh, I see. 277 00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:08,570 I thought you were talking about my will-do's 278 00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:11,268 and won't-do's in the bedroom. 279 00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:14,750 Wait, you actually have won't-do's? 280 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,404 Thank you so much for this. 281 00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:20,756 She's a cosmetologist. 282 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:23,106 And just to clear up any confusion 283 00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:26,327 that is not a Russian astronaut. 284 00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:31,158 Not that she couldn't be one if she really applied herself. 285 00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,900 I work at several different funeral homes around the city. 286 00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:35,771 - Funeral homes. - Yeah. 287 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,729 You know, where they store dead people. 288 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,255 I thought that was the symphony. 289 00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,784 I didn't say a word, and I had a wonderful time. 290 00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:52,832 So, what you're saying is, you apply 291 00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,355 makeup to the recently deceased. 292 00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:56,792 Tell him about the time you got really baked 293 00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,315 and made that 80-year-old woman 294 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,014 look like the drummer in Kiss. 295 00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:04,669 Oh, yeah. One time I got really baked 296 00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:07,803 and made this 80-year-old woman look like the drummer in Kiss. 297 00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:14,070 What a great story! 298 00:14:14,157 --> 00:14:15,985 Yeah, it's so much better when she tells it. 299 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:19,859 You know, uh, Carl and I have been partners 300 00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,512 five years, come November the eighth. 301 00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:23,036 Has it been five years? 302 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,562 Pretty impressive, huh? 303 00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:30,739 Nice single guy same job for five-years 304 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,306 is not court mandated. 305 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,787 And not to embarrass him, but he's 306 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,485 actually saved my life a couple of times. 307 00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:39,443 Oh, now, don't be bringing that up. 308 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,532 These girls don't need to know all about my heroics. 309 00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:47,495 You gonna tell the story or not? 310 00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:50,715 The first time was an armed robbery at a liquor store. 311 00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:52,848 The owner was on the ground, out cold. 312 00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:54,545 And while I was checking his vitals 313 00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:57,026 the perp came busting out of the storeroom, gun in hand. 314 00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:59,072 Oh, my God. What did you do? 315 00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:00,943 I didn't have time to think, this guy came out 316 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,249 of nowhere like a ninja. 317 00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:03,554 Or Batman. 318 00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:06,427 Whatever. 319 00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,168 He knocked the gun away cuffed the guy 320 00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:10,039 barely even broke a sweat. 321 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,911 What was the second time he saved your life? 322 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,782 Last year's Oktoberfest. 323 00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:15,958 They were selling two-for-one bratwursts. 324 00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:18,874 Me and three guys in Lederhosen 325 00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:20,832 had to link arms and give him the Heimlich. 326 00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:23,748 Wow! 327 00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:26,142 You are a real hero, Officer Carl. 328 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:29,102 Oh, no. Little bit. 329 00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:34,150 Michael Jordon just walked by. 330 00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:37,153 Sweet lord, it is. It's Jordan. 331 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,199 I love Michael Jordan. 332 00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:41,157 I don't know what it is about bald, black men. 333 00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:42,637 They're just so sexy. 334 00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,032 Thank you again. 335 00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:52,342 Michael Jordan's a punk-ass bitch. 336 00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,786 Damn, they seemed to really be hitting it off. 337 00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:03,353 Yeah, tough break. 338 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,007 Poor guy. 339 00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:06,530 Hey, you think there's any chance your sister would 340 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,880 get me Jordan's autograph? 341 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,057 I think his hands are gonna be kind of busy tonight. 342 00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:13,146 [car honking] 343 00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:15,191 I'll be right there, Carl! 344 00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,979 I should probably get him home. He's had kind of a tough night. 345 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:22,546 I love that you're such a good friend to him. 346 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:24,505 He'd do the same for me. 347 00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:27,290 Hey, after you drop him off, why don't you circle back? 348 00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,205 I don't know, he's gonna want to talk for a while 349 00:16:29,292 --> 00:16:30,467 and it's probably gonna be pretty late. 350 00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,774 Oh, that's a shame, 'cause.. 351 00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:34,906 ...was a pretty good chance you were gonna get lucky tonight. 352 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,778 What's that? 353 00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:38,258 Unless you think our relationship's 354 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,303 not ready to move to the next level. 355 00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:44,699 Oh, no. It is, let me dump that crybaby off, I'll be right back. 356 00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:46,005 I'll leave the door unlocked. 357 00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,484 Doesn't matter I'd chew through it. 358 00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,663 You know, life is unpredictable, Carl. 359 00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,578 One minute you're having drinks with a beautiful girl 360 00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:56,798 and the next minute your friend's driving you home 361 00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:59,105 pulling up in front of your grandma's house 362 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,411 slowing down enough for you to safely exit the vehicle 363 00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:02,847 And bidding you a heartfelt goodnight. 364 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:04,023 Goodnight. 365 00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,504 What's wrong with me, man? 366 00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:10,377 Aw, geez, you really wanna open that can of worms? 367 00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,031 I mean, I'm a good-looking guy 368 00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,554 I'm in tip-top physical condition. 369 00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:15,904 You're a dreamboat but it was Michael Jordan. 370 00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:18,907 Come on, I'd run off with the guy. 371 00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:20,474 Can I tell you a little secret? 372 00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:21,953 Then it's not a secret. 373 00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:26,132 I guess maybe I am a little jealous of you and Molly. 374 00:17:26,219 --> 00:17:28,090 I understand. Don't worry about it. 375 00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,179 Vaya con dios. 376 00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:31,789 I see the way you two look at each other 377 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:34,836 and I just wish I had something like that in my life. 378 00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,838 You'll find that, Carl, I know you will. 379 00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,144 Well, sleep tight. 380 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,669 You know, my dad left when I was very young. 381 00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,758 As dads will do... you learn, you grow. 382 00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:47,501 Goodnight, Carl. 383 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:51,331 I don't know what I'd do if I lost you as a friend. 384 00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,202 Is that what you're worried about? 385 00:17:53,289 --> 00:17:55,639 You think me dating Molly's gonna change our friendship? 386 00:17:57,032 --> 00:18:00,253 That's never gonna happen. 387 00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:03,256 - I appreciate you saying that. - From the heart. 388 00:18:03,343 --> 00:18:06,998 Now, get out of the car I want to go have sex with Molly. 389 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,914 - She gave you the green light? - Yes, she did. 390 00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:12,439 And you still took the time to talk to me? 391 00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,354 - That is so sweet. - Get out of the car! 392 00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:16,791 Right, right. Get it done. 393 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,575 You need a couple of condoms? 394 00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,186 That crazy sister slipped me some when I shook her hand. 395 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,144 Out. Out! 396 00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:27,541 - I love you, man! - 'Love you, too!' 397 00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:43,948 [Joyce] 'Intruder!' 398 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,385 Oh! Oh! 399 00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:55,264 Oh, God, Mike! 400 00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:58,789 Uh, I-I know this is bad, but...I'd like to point out 401 00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:00,748 I'm wearing the robe you got me for Christmas. 402 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:12,673 - Oh, Mike, I'm so sorry. - Me, too. 403 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,023 I thought the most painful thing I was gonna have to do 404 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,981 to get laid was sit through that symphony. 405 00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:20,811 You're gonna be fine. 406 00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:24,511 You just need to get your skull x-rayed. 407 00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:27,166 Okay. Can you talk to your mom? 408 00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,211 I don't mind the occasional fat joke 409 00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:31,561 I take exception to having my skull caved in. 410 00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:36,827 What'd I miss? 411 00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:48,839 [theme music]