[humming]
Are you wearing cologne?
Yeah, I dabbed a little smell-good behind my earlobes.
It's nice. Kind of a leathery mesquite sort of deal.
Like a barbecued baseball glove.
[humming]
What is that tune?
You've been humming it all morning.
It's from "The marriage of Figaro."
By Mr. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Mozart, huh? Well, anything's better than hearing you sing
"I'm too sexy for my shirt."
I'm trying to broaden my horizons
so Molly took me to the symphony last night.
Wait a second, you went to the symphony?
Yeah, it was lovely. Very classy, very elegant.
- So you fell asleep. - Almost immediately.
I did fart myself awake a couple of times.
But for the most part, out like a light.
Look at you. Sleeping at the symphony.
Well, la-di-da.
Afterwards, Molly and I went out for a spot of tea.
Hang on a second. You're drinking tea now?
Oolong.
- It's antioxidant. - And what's that?
I assume it's something that is against oxidants.
Also tastes like a cup of hot ass.
Wow. This woman is giving you a complete makeover, isn't she?
- What are you talking about? - Going to the symphony.
Drinking tea.
Next thing you know, you'll be carrying her purse and asking
permission to visit your balls on the weekend.
Hang on a second, are you saying I'm whipped?
Because I am not whipped. I am still very much my own man.
Okay, now let me ask, if you don't say that, does she hit ya?
It's not like that, Carl.
In fact, we're not even seeing each other tonight.
Good for you, it's important that a man
maintain his identity.
I agree. I told her I needed this evening to myself.
She understood, so she's gonna meet us later for lunch.
That's why you're wearing that cologne, isn't it?
- Maybe. - Figures.
God forbid you should smell nice for me once in a while.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
- What's the soup today? - It's pea soup.
- Ooh, I love pea soup. - Ah, ah, ah.
You know that's loaded with salt and fat.
Come on. I've been doing really good.
Because I'm the one that's been standing guard
over your pie hole.
For him pea soup ain't nothing But a ham delivery system.
Fine, I'll have the small dinner salad
and two scoops of cottage cheese.
- I'll have the same. - And I'll have the pea soup.
So, how long have you guys been partners?
- Uh, about four years. - What are you talking about?
We've been partners for almost five years.
- It hasn't been that long. - Oh, yes it has.
Five years this November.
Wow. That's longer than any relationship I've ever had.
Except maybe Colonel Sanders.
It hasn't been easy, trust me.
Do you remember the day in November?
Well, I'd have to check my diary.
He makes everything a joke. Thinks it hides his insecurity.
It was the eighth, our first day
as partners was November the eighth.
There you go. Five years, November the eighth.
Well, congratulations, you two.
What's the anniversary on this? I think it's wood.
Please, don't give me wood, Carl.
How can you not remember that day?
We had seven inches of snow, you slipped on the ice
almost flattened a small dog.
Fine, November the eighth. What do you want me to do?
- Tattoo it on my forehead? - Mm-mmm.
Tattoo it on your eating hand.
That way you'll be sure to remember it.
Always got to play the fat card, huh?
I play the hand I'm dealt.
Wow, you guys sound just like an old married couple.
- What? - What are you talking about?
You know, the way you do the little
back and forth bickering thing that you do.
Oh, that's not bickering.
That's just two guys busting each other's stones.
Male camaraderie, like Batman and Robin.
- Right. I'm Batman. He's Robin. - Who you calling Robin?
- I'm Batman. - No, no, no.
- I have always been Batman. - I drive the car.
- I'm Batman. - I let you drive the car.
Because I'm the senior officer. That makes me Batman.
No, no, you let me drive the car
so you can take one of your little bat-naps.
See? You said it. I'm Batman.
- Don't twist my words. - I'm not twisting your words.
- Just stating a fact. - It's about the soup isn't it?
I just wanted one bowl.
'You've never had one bowl of anything in your life.'
That was great, huh?
Molly just gets cuter everyday.
You both do.
You guys seem to really have something special.
You can see it, right? I mean, it's palpable.
- Palpable? - You know.
Obvious, evident, tangible.
Since when did you become big word bob?
Molly gave me one of those word-a-day calendars.
It's fun. Yesterday, I used "malicious."
No, you were trying to say "delicious"
but you had food in your mouth.
Still counts.
Look, I'm happy that you're learning new words
and falling asleep at fancy places but I don't think
we should have lunch with your girlfriend anymore.
Why not?
Because we are paid to serve and protect
the good citizens of Chicago.
So, even when we're having lunch, we're on duty.
I mean, what if a couple of cop-hating gangbangers
had walked by and started shooting?
Carl, the only time we've ever been fired at
Is when we get egged on Halloween.
So, do you want to see your little school teacher
to take the Grade A double yolk to the back of her head?
- No. - ''Course you don't.'
That stings like a bitch.
Alright, I hear what you're saying but you sure it's not
because you're a little jealous of me and Molly?
What? I'm not even gonna dignify that.
Sorry.
I've been nothing but supportive
of you and your relationship with Molly.
- Again, sorry. - You are forgiven.
By the way, the next time you bring up being senior officer
I'm bringing up fitness reports.
We'll see who's Batman and who's Robin.
Yeah, I had a great day, too.
The highlight, of course,
being lunch with you.
No, I mean it, one might say it was the pinnacle of my day.
[knock at door]
So what are you doing right now?
Me? Nothing. Carl came over. We're gonna watch the game.
No, it's not the Bears.
If it was the Bears, I wouldn't be on the phone with you.
Sit down. What are you waiting for?
No, I was talking to Carl.
Molly says to tell you hello.
[in high pitch] Hi, Molly.
Carl sends his warmest salutations.
Carl, you mind? I'm on the phone.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
I came over to watch a football game
not watch you talk on the phone.
I should probably go. Robin's in a mood.
- What is your problem? - I don't have a problem.
Got you some hot wings.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I thought you deserved a little reward after
the strength you showed with the pea soup.
So, what's your girlfriend up to tonight?
I don't know. She's probably just hanging out.
Uh-huh. And she called to ask you to come over?
No. I mean, the subject did come up
But I, of course, told her that you and I already had plans
and what kind of friend would I be if I blew those off?
Oh, yeah, I think I heard that.
That was the part when you said "Nothing. It's just Carl."
- Why you being so sensitive? - I'm not being sensitive.
I just don't appreciate being taken for granted.
- Sorry. - Forget about it.
Let's just watch the game.
Just go.
- I'll lock up. - Thanks, man.
If I were a lesser man, I'd do a weenie rub
on all his juice glasses.
Tell me what you're thinking about right now.
Honestly?
Yeah, whatever's in your heart.
I'm worried about Carl.
You got your tongue halfway down my throat
and you were thinking about Carl?
No, not in that way. Wow, you really know how to kill a mood.
- I'm the mood killer? - I just feel bad for him.
- Why? - I don't know.
He doesn't have anybody in his life.
Well, would it make you feel better
if you were kissing him and thinking about me?
Oh, I wish it were that simple.
Alright, kids, I'm hitting the hay.
Oh, you spending the night, tons o' fun?
No, ma'am.
Well, I'm just asking 'cause I sleep in the buff
and I get up a lot to tinkle.
Hate for you to bump into me in the hallway
and find yourself with a difficult choice to make.
- Anyway, goodnight. - Goodnight, Mrs. Flynn.
Night, mom.
We buy her a bathrobe every Christmas
but she never gets the hint.
The FedEx guy bought her three before he quit.
Here's a thought. Maybe we could hook Carl up with someone.
And we're back to Carl.
I'm sorry. He's my best friend.
I just want him to be happy.
So then, if he has a girlfriend..
He drops me like a handful of hot nickels.
It's a win-win.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Cop in the house.
I'll be right back. I have to go flush something.
Hey. How about me, you, and one of your girlfriends
go out for a drink, and I could invite Carl to join us?
Like a double date? I don't know.
All my teacher friends are either married or gay or both.
One of them just adopted an adorable Chinese girl.
How old's she?
I don't know if this is cake or cheese
but it's really good.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
No, I am not.
Alright, after brother Haywood introduces me
you're gonna start in real soft.
[soft piano music]
Not too soft, the whole choir's gonna be
flapping them paper fans.
- I got it, grandma. - I'll tell you when you got it.
[music continues]
Then I'm gonna step to the podium..
...nod towards the congregation..
...give a little knowing wink to brother Haywood..
...then blow the rafters off that house of Jesus.
[piano music]
♪ Ooh you know they tell me of a home ♪
♪ Far beyond the skies ♪
♪ And they tell me of a land ♪
♪ Far away ♪
♪ Ooh tell me of a home ♪
♪ Where no storm clouds rise ♪
♪ You know they tell me ♪
♪ Of an unclouded day.. ♪
♪ Oh yeah yeah yeah ♪♪
[doorbell rings]
Oh, thank you, God.
- Hey, you busy right now? - Why? What's up?
Hey, Michael! Come on in, sweetness!
Leaving your friend standing out there like a Jehovah's witness!
Wipe your feet we just vacuumed the rug.
Oh, we did?
Boy ain't touched a vacuum cleaner since he was 13 years
old, and I ain't gonna tell you what he was doing with it.
Can I get you some iced tea, maybe something harder?
If you don't drink on Saturday night you got nothing
to talk to Jesus about on Sunday mornin'.
Nah, I'm fine, nana. I just came by to ask Carl something.
- Whatchu want? - Listen to him.
"Whatchu want?" Trying to act all gangster and everything.
Boy's about as gangsta as a fig Newton!
I'm on my way over to Molly's to take her and her sister out
for a drink, and I thought you might want to join us.
I don't know, it's kind of last-minute.
Kind of last-minute?
This man is offering you a chance at a real live woman.
You'd best be putting on some clean drawers
and praying she ain't picky.
I got this, grandma. I'm a grown man...this is my life.
Well, you better hurry up and start living it, 'cause
the vacuum cleaner ain't gonna give me no great-grandbabies.
Let me change my shirt!
So, Victoria, exactly what is it you do?
What do you mean?
He means, do you work or have a job of any kind?
Oh, I see.
I thought you were talking about my will-do's
and won't-do's in the bedroom.
Wait, you actually have won't-do's?
Thank you so much for this.
She's a cosmetologist.
And just to clear up any confusion
that is not a Russian astronaut.
Not that she couldn't be one if she really applied herself.
I work at several different funeral homes around the city.
- Funeral homes. - Yeah.
You know, where they store dead people.
I thought that was the symphony.
I didn't say a word, and I had a wonderful time.
So, what you're saying is, you apply
makeup to the recently deceased.
Tell him about the time you got really baked
and made that 80-year-old woman
look like the drummer in Kiss.
Oh, yeah. One time I got really baked
and made this 80-year-old woman look like the drummer in Kiss.
What a great story!
Yeah, it's so much better when she tells it.
You know, uh, Carl and I have been partners
five years, come November the eighth.
Has it been five years?
Pretty impressive, huh?
Nice single guy same job for five-years
is not court mandated.
And not to embarrass him, but he's
actually saved my life a couple of times.
Oh, now, don't be bringing that up.
These girls don't need to know all about my heroics.
You gonna tell the story or not?
The first time was an armed robbery at a liquor store.
The owner was on the ground, out cold.
And while I was checking his vitals
the perp came busting out of the storeroom, gun in hand.
Oh, my God. What did you do?
I didn't have time to think, this guy came out
of nowhere like a ninja.
Or Batman.
Whatever.
He knocked the gun away cuffed the guy
barely even broke a sweat.
What was the second time he saved your life?
Last year's Oktoberfest.
They were selling two-for-one bratwursts.
Me and three guys in Lederhosen
had to link arms and give him the Heimlich.
Wow!
You are a real hero, Officer Carl.
Oh, no. Little bit.
Michael Jordon just walked by.
Sweet lord, it is. It's Jordan.
I love Michael Jordan.
I don't know what it is about bald, black men.
They're just so sexy.
Thank you again.
Michael Jordan's a punk-ass bitch.
Damn, they seemed to really be hitting it off.
Yeah, tough break.
Poor guy.
Hey, you think there's any chance your sister would
get me Jordan's autograph?
I think his hands are gonna be kind of busy tonight.
[car honking]
I'll be right there, Carl!
I should probably get him home. He's had kind of a tough night.
I love that you're such a good friend to him.
He'd do the same for me.
Hey, after you drop him off, why don't you circle back?
I don't know, he's gonna want to talk for a while
and it's probably gonna be pretty late.
Oh, that's a shame, 'cause..
...was a pretty good chance you were gonna get lucky tonight.
What's that?
Unless you think our relationship's
not ready to move to the next level.
Oh, no. It is, let me dump that crybaby off, I'll be right back.
I'll leave the door unlocked.
Doesn't matter I'd chew through it.
You know, life is unpredictable, Carl.
One minute you're having drinks with a beautiful girl
and the next minute your friend's driving you home
pulling up in front of your grandma's house
slowing down enough for you to safely exit the vehicle
And bidding you a heartfelt goodnight.
Goodnight.
What's wrong with me, man?
Aw, geez, you really wanna open that can of worms?
I mean, I'm a good-looking guy
I'm in tip-top physical condition.
You're a dreamboat but it was Michael Jordan.
Come on, I'd run off with the guy.
Can I tell you a little secret?
Then it's not a secret.
I guess maybe I am a little jealous of you and Molly.
I understand. Don't worry about it.
Vaya con dios.
I see the way you two look at each other
and I just wish I had something like that in my life.
You'll find that, Carl, I know you will.
Well, sleep tight.
You know, my dad left when I was very young.
As dads will do... you learn, you grow.
Goodnight, Carl.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you as a friend.
Is that what you're worried about?
You think me dating Molly's gonna change our friendship?
That's never gonna happen.
- I appreciate you saying that. - From the heart.
Now, get out of the car I want to go have sex with Molly.
- She gave you the green light? - Yes, she did.
And you still took the time to talk to me?
- That is so sweet. - Get out of the car!
Right, right. Get it done.
You need a couple of condoms?
That crazy sister slipped me some when I shook her hand.
Out. Out!
- I love you, man! - 'Love you, too!'
[Joyce] 'Intruder!'
Oh! Oh!
Oh, God, Mike!
Uh, I-I know this is bad, but...I'd like to point out
I'm wearing the robe you got me for Christmas.
- Oh, Mike, I'm so sorry. - Me, too.
I thought the most painful thing I was gonna have to do
to get laid was sit through that symphony.
You're gonna be fine.
You just need to get your skull x-rayed.
Okay. Can you talk to your mom?
I don't mind the occasional fat joke
I take exception to having my skull caved in.
What'd I miss?
[theme music]