1 00:00:02,567 --> 00:00:04,221 Thanks for dinner tonight. The food was great. 2 00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:05,614 Well, when you get the restaurant's number 3 00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:06,919 off a bathroom stall 4 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,356 at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting 5 00:00:08,443 --> 00:00:11,011 you know it's gonna be good. 6 00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:14,797 Well, I guess this is the awkward-moment 7 00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:16,407 portion of the evening. 8 00:00:16,494 --> 00:00:18,975 Yep. The looming question. 9 00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,846 Who gets the leftovers? 10 00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:25,025 You wanna come in for a while? 11 00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:26,243 Are your mom and sister home? 12 00:00:26,330 --> 00:00:28,245 They're probably asleep. Let me check. 13 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:33,207 Hey. Did you guys do it yet? 14 00:00:36,862 --> 00:00:40,214 Not asleep. 15 00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,738 But we can still hang out in my room. 16 00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:45,219 So we'd have to walk right past the two of them, right? 17 00:00:45,306 --> 00:00:48,091 Well, unless you own a jetpack. 18 00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:50,050 It just feels kind of unsavory. 19 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,616 Why? We're not doing anything wrong. 20 00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:53,488 That's true, we're just two grown people 21 00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:55,620 out on a date that aren't ready to say goodnight yet. 22 00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:58,406 - Exactly. Shall we? - Let's do it. 23 00:00:58,493 --> 00:00:59,668 [giggles] 24 00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:05,195 - Hey! - Well, hello there. 25 00:01:08,764 --> 00:01:11,375 Ugh. 26 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,681 Hey, how about this, Saturday night 27 00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:14,422 you come over to my place? 28 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,380 That way, we don't have to worry about the Smurfs 29 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:19,340 and, uh, we can relax and do whatever we wanna do. 30 00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:22,560 - Whatever we wanna do, huh? - Absolutely. 31 00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:24,954 - Why are you smiling? - Why are you smiling? 32 00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,912 I'm smiling 'cause I get the leftovers. 33 00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:30,916 Come here, you. 34 00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:35,095 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 35 00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:39,534 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 36 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,762 [upbeat music] 37 00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:52,416 So, you got any plans for this weekend? 38 00:01:52,503 --> 00:01:54,810 I promised my grandma I'd clean out the garage. 39 00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,333 I thought you cleaned the garage last weekend. 40 00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:57,639 I'm kind of dragging my feet. 41 00:01:57,726 --> 00:01:58,988 I'm afraid once I get it done 42 00:01:59,075 --> 00:02:01,512 she's gonna make me live out there. 43 00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,210 Yeah, like in the army, when the enemy makes you 44 00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,255 dig your own grave. 45 00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:06,952 Exactly. So, what are you up to? 46 00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:08,345 Ah, not much. 47 00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,694 Molly's coming over Saturday night. 48 00:02:09,781 --> 00:02:11,914 You dirty, dirty dog. 49 00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,265 Alright. 50 00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:16,614 I told you he'd get laid before the Cubs won 51 00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:17,876 a World Series. 52 00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,838 Now is your apartment ready for entertaining a lady? 53 00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:24,361 'cause the last time I saw your bathtub 54 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,494 It looked like you'd washed a gorilla in it. 55 00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:28,365 Don't worry, I'm going after it 56 00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:30,541 with a grill brush and some degreaser. 57 00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:32,761 Plus, I'm buying a new shower curtain, nice sheets 58 00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:33,892 and some of that liquid soap 59 00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:35,329 that the ladies seem to favor. 60 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:38,723 Good idea. 61 00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:39,855 Now you don't have to worry about plucking your pubes 62 00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,639 out of the Irish Spring. 63 00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:45,774 Oh, that is tedious work. 64 00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,210 I live with five roommates. 65 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:50,039 Our soap looks like a wet cat. 66 00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,173 Well, I also cleaned the oven 67 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,000 vacuumed all the skittles out of the couch cushions 68 00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:56,828 and I'm buying drapes for the bedroom window. 69 00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,352 Those drapes should have happened years ago. 70 00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:01,616 I'm surprised your neighbors didn't start a petition. 71 00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:04,662 - What about candles or incense? - Way ahead of you. 72 00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:06,708 I put an Airwick on the toilet tank. 73 00:03:06,795 --> 00:03:08,449 Mango-kiwi. 74 00:03:08,536 --> 00:03:10,668 It's like having a luau on your crapper. 75 00:03:13,018 --> 00:03:15,195 Well, that's fine for knocking back the funk 76 00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:18,198 but candles also help create a mood. 77 00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,939 A sensual ambience, if you will. 78 00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:23,377 Is that why I get aroused when I see a birthday cake? 79 00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:30,253 [both] No. 80 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,822 But while we're talking about food 81 00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,867 you're gonna need a bottle of champagne and some strawberries. 82 00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,782 - Strawberries? - Big-ass strawberries. 83 00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,654 I don't know why, but it drives the ladies wild. 84 00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,786 You'd think it would be bananas. 85 00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,835 Yeah, a banana and a couple of plums 86 00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:49,403 laid out on the coffee table. 87 00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,970 It should get their motor running. 88 00:03:52,057 --> 00:03:55,235 Women are such mysterious creatures. 89 00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:57,237 Beautiful, unsolvable mysteries. 90 00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,978 Like those big alien crop circles.. 91 00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:01,850 ...but with nipples. 92 00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:08,117 Alright. Strawberries, candles, champagne. 93 00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:09,466 Anything else? 94 00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:11,338 Um, whipped cream, you know, in case 95 00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:14,079 you wanna freak it up a notch. 96 00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:15,429 I'm trying to stay away from sweets. 97 00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:16,691 Then get fat-free. 98 00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:17,735 You don't have to blow your diet 99 00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:20,216 to get your kink on. 100 00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:22,131 But don't forget the four silk scarves 101 00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:23,393 so she can tie you to the bed 102 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,916 and one large ostrich feather 103 00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:26,875 to be used on the underside of your scrotum. 104 00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:33,447 You're not there yet. 105 00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,100 Okay, that's cool. 106 00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:40,845 Don't forget to take a pair of clean underwears 107 00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:43,021 so if you do spend the night, you're prepared. 108 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,196 But I don't want him to think 109 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,633 I was planning on spending the night. 110 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,374 Oh, Molly, there's a lot of reasons a gal 111 00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,550 keeps an extra pair of drawers in her purse. 112 00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,639 Some good, some bad. Let him decide. 113 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,120 I can't believe how nervous I am. 114 00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:56,948 Well, then throw in another pair of panties. 115 00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:58,385 Better safe than smelly. 116 00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:02,214 Mom, please, you're not helping. 117 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:05,348 Oh honey, relax. It's just sex. 118 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:08,612 I know it's been a while, but it's like riding a bike. 119 00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:11,528 You know, if instead of wheels, the bike had two balls. 120 00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:16,141 How long has it been, honey? 121 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:17,578 I don't know. 122 00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:20,276 Eighteen months, four days, five hours. 123 00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:23,235 Wow. 124 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,715 You're lucky it's not like pierced ears 125 00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,630 where the holes grow shut. 126 00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,895 That'd be an embarrassing trip back to the mall. 127 00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,858 Whoa, you can't let this guy 128 00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:38,860 see you wearing that big ol' pair of granny panties. 129 00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:40,557 Don't you have a thong? 130 00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:42,646 I'm not wearing a thong, Victoria. 131 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:43,821 How bout a bustier? 132 00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,867 How about two Band-Aids and a cork? 133 00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:48,870 You know what? 134 00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,611 I'm just gonna finish this up by myself. 135 00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,743 Why don't you two go watch TV 136 00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:55,267 or bat a dead mouse around the kitchen floor? 137 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,183 No, we wanna help you. 138 00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,577 Which reminds me, have you trimmed the hedges? 139 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,667 What are you talking about? 140 00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,974 Well, you tend to get a little Shaggy 141 00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:07,541 in your Scooby-Doo. 142 00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,154 I'm not having this conversation with you. 143 00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:13,590 Mom? 144 00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:15,636 Listen, princess 145 00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,507 you don't want him to get lost in the weeds 146 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,814 trying to find the pumpkin patch. 147 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,383 Have you ever heard the expression 148 00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,515 "Does the carpet match the drapes?" 149 00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,604 Only when shopping for carpeting or drapes. 150 00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:29,954 Well, just so you know 151 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:33,436 practically nobody has carpeting anymore. 152 00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,960 Just a tiny little area rug near the entry way. 153 00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:42,053 Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax 154 00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:45,361 on my lady business and ripping all the hair out. 155 00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:48,277 Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie. 156 00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,192 I can have that wax heated up lickety split. 157 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,847 And then he can get at it lickety split. 158 00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:56,633 Alright, maybe a little off the sides. 159 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,418 But we should probably have a safe word. 160 00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:02,117 Well, I always just scream, "ouch, my hoo-hah!" 161 00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:04,554 [instrumental music] 162 00:07:04,641 --> 00:07:06,164 Right this way. 163 00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:15,783 Why you walking funny? 164 00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,437 I pulled a muscle at the gym. 165 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:18,916 Feeling the burn, huh? 166 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,179 You have no idea. 167 00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,400 [exhales sharply] 168 00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,535 Here we are, chezMike. 169 00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:29,710 After you, my lady. 170 00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,146 Thank you, sir. 171 00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:33,627 The humble digs of an honest cop. 172 00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:36,107 Very ni.. oh. 173 00:07:36,194 --> 00:07:38,501 Very nice. I love the hardwood floors. 174 00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,156 Yeah, when I first moved in, it was wall-to-wall shag. 175 00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:43,245 Took two guys all day to yank that stuff up. 176 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,942 They were tearin' and pullin'.. 177 00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:46,814 I get it, I get it, I get it. 178 00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:51,819 So, how long have you lived here? 179 00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:54,778 I found this place a few years ago. 180 00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:58,129 It's a funny story. It was actually a crime scene. 181 00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,305 Murder-suicide. Gay couple. 182 00:08:00,392 --> 00:08:02,220 Been together since the '70s 183 00:08:02,307 --> 00:08:03,874 hence the shag carpeting. 184 00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:06,747 Anyway, I guess one of the fellas 185 00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,358 came home from a seven-day carnival cruise 186 00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:12,143 and found the other one in flagrante 187 00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:14,406 with what was either a man or a woman. 188 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,452 All we found was a bloody footprint 189 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,672 from a size 16 cha-cha heel. 190 00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:23,024 I guess that story's more tragic than it is funny. 191 00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:26,244 As murder-suicides tend to be. 192 00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:37,865 Would you like a glass of champagne? 193 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,610 Not right now. 194 00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,002 Yeah, probably not a good idea. 195 00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:47,570 The bubbles make me a little gassy. 196 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,354 How 'bout we just talk? 197 00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:51,226 Sure, talking's good. 198 00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:54,446 [sighs] 199 00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:01,192 Oh, I forgot the strawberries. 200 00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,498 You want a strawberry? 201 00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:04,587 - No, thank you. - You sure? 202 00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:06,284 They're the big ones. Size of your fist. 203 00:09:06,371 --> 00:09:08,765 Like a bowl of big, red baby heads. 204 00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:11,812 I'm fine for now. 205 00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:12,943 Alright, well, let me know 206 00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,249 if you change your mind. 207 00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:22,779 Are you nervous at all? 208 00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:24,433 I'm a walking pit stain. 209 00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:27,654 Me too. 210 00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,830 It's just been so long since I've been alone 211 00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,267 with a man in his apartment. 212 00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:33,747 Well, if it makes you feel any better 213 00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,705 the last time there was a woman in this apartment 214 00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,447 she was a he, and someone got bludgeoned to death. 215 00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:44,105 Not exactly the comfort I was looking for 216 00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,497 but nice to know. 217 00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,414 - Molly? - Yeah. 218 00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,068 Promise me 219 00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:53,201 that no matter what happens tonight 220 00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:55,029 you'll look at my bathtub and my shower curtain. 221 00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:56,770 They're impeccable. 222 00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,383 [telephone ringing] 223 00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:02,950 The machine will get it. 224 00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,168 [answering machine] 'Hi, this is Mike.' 225 00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:05,213 'I can't come to the phone right now.' 226 00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:06,301 'Please leave me a message.' 227 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:07,476 [beeps] 228 00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:08,477 [Peggy] 'Hey, angel face.' 229 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:10,305 'It's mommy calling.' 230 00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:13,482 'Listen, I went to Costco today 'cause they were having a sale' 231 00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:15,484 'on those padded toilet seats' 232 00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:18,269 'And I remembered how much you admired mine.' 233 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:20,402 [chuckles nervously] 234 00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,578 'Anyway, I picked one up for you' 235 00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:23,797 'so now you don't have to worry' 236 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,494 'about those giant, red rings' 237 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,278 'you get around your bottom.' 238 00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:30,717 Hey, mom. How are you? 239 00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:32,893 No, no. I just walked in the door. 240 00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:36,026 Oh, sorry, I can't. I have company. 241 00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:37,724 No, it's not Carl. 242 00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:39,247 Well, you don't know her. 243 00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:42,076 Yes, I said "her." 244 00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:43,947 Look, mom, can we please talk about this later? 245 00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:45,732 I promise, I'll call you back. 246 00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:47,081 Alright. You too. 247 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,605 I did say it. 248 00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,172 I love you, too. 249 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:54,697 Everything alright? 250 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,960 Yeah, fine. Now, uh.. 251 00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:58,832 Where were we? 252 00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:01,443 I think we were somewhere right.. 253 00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:02,836 [groans] Oh.. 254 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,232 ...right about here. 255 00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,799 [telephone ringing] 256 00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:14,108 I am so sorry about this. 257 00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:16,545 Mom, I told you I'd call you tomorrow. 258 00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:17,938 What? 259 00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:19,330 Oh, my God. 260 00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:20,723 Listen, hang up and dial 911. 261 00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:22,246 I'll be right there. 262 00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:24,292 - What happened? - She's having chest pains. 263 00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:26,511 Really? She was fine just a couple of seconds ago. 264 00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:29,036 Oh, what can I tell you? She's old, she's frail. 265 00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:30,994 While we're talking about it, she could be dying. 266 00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,170 - Ooh, candles. - Oh, right. 267 00:11:39,176 --> 00:11:41,439 You call that a check, you pansy-ass canuck? 268 00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:44,399 If you can't play the game, get off the ice! 269 00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,452 Mom, are you okay? 270 00:11:54,539 --> 00:11:56,237 Mikey, you shouldn't have come. 271 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,542 Did you call an ambulance? 272 00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:00,023 No, I don't wanna bother anybody. 273 00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,329 It's not bothering anybody. 274 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,244 We need to get you to the hospital. 275 00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,725 What? And pay some quack 800 bucks 276 00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,379 to stick his thumb in my keister? 277 00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:13,384 - Thumb? - Leave it alone. 278 00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:15,909 Who's that man with you? 279 00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:21,784 Mom, this is Molly. 280 00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:24,656 I'm sorry, darling, I'm blind as a bat. 281 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,789 Oh, you are a girl. 282 00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:28,269 Nice to meet you, Mrs. Biggs. 283 00:12:28,356 --> 00:12:29,574 I'm sorry you're not feeling well. 284 00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,011 Thank you, dear. 285 00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:33,187 Ah, I see what it was. 286 00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:34,492 The shadow from your nose 287 00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:36,364 makes it look like you have a mustache. 288 00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:40,760 [instrumental music] 289 00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:47,027 [snoring] 290 00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,573 Mom, please, you need to see a doctor. 291 00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,140 No, I don't trust doctors. 292 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:14,576 They just wanna saw you open 293 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:17,797 or diddle with your innards. 294 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,234 Mrs. Biggs, it wouldn't hurt to at least get checked out. 295 00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:22,802 Oh, I've lived through worse pain than this. 296 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,456 Mikey came out 14 pounds and sideways. 297 00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:30,548 I'm lucky I can keep any food inside me. 298 00:13:32,637 --> 00:13:35,118 Can I offer you one of my famous seven-layer cookies? 299 00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,120 No, thank you. 300 00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:38,556 Please, can't we just go in for a few tests 301 00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:39,601 just to be safe? 302 00:13:39,688 --> 00:13:43,126 No. No tests. No thumbs. 303 00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:46,303 Thumbs? What doctor is she seeing? 304 00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:48,305 I said leave it alone. 305 00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:53,049 Mom, you gotta stop giving that dog beer. 306 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,355 That's not Jim. 307 00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:56,444 Jim's are more bacon-y. 308 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:01,492 Well, it wasn't me. 309 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,062 - Hey. - Mom! 310 00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:08,543 What? Process of elimination. 311 00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,720 But if you're gonna blame the dog 312 00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:14,810 I'll go get my portable oxygen tank and take him for a walk. 313 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,290 No, no, you sit. I'll take him. 314 00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,509 Okay. 315 00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:20,947 Remember not to rush him or squeeze him 316 00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:23,906 or eyeball him when he's in the middle of one. 317 00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,734 I know the drill, ma. 318 00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:28,606 I'll be right back. 319 00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,391 Hurry. 320 00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:46,842 So is this the house Mike grew up in? 321 00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:49,540 Yep. 322 00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:52,674 I wish I would have known him when he was a little boy. 323 00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:55,720 Really? And would you still be the same age you are now? 324 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:57,940 What? No. 325 00:14:58,027 --> 00:14:59,637 I-I was just saying 326 00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:02,205 it would have been fun to have seen him as a kid 327 00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:04,904 riding his bike, playing kickball. 328 00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:07,384 I get it. You like 'em young. 329 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,349 I love your house. 330 00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,481 Sweet little place. 331 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,919 Very inviting. 332 00:15:21,529 --> 00:15:23,531 It was paradise for a while. 333 00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,272 Then that rat-bastard husband of mine 334 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:26,838 ran off with a two-dollar whore 335 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,579 and left me with a mortgage I couldn't afford 336 00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:32,279 and a 16-year-old boy who ate cereal with a snow shovel. 337 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:38,850 Any more family history you want to dredge up? 338 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:42,332 No, that should hold me for a while. 339 00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:45,379 You know, it's weird Mikey's never mentioned you before. 340 00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,511 I'm sure it just slipped his mind. 341 00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,426 Why would he be ashamed of you? 342 00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:53,169 Cookie? 343 00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,345 Yeah, I'll have a cookie. 344 00:15:59,697 --> 00:16:00,916 Hm. 345 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,092 And you said these were famous? 346 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,967 [instrumental music] 347 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,539 Do you wanna just take me home? 348 00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:18,064 No, no, the night's still young. 349 00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:20,327 You sure? You seem a little preoccupied. 350 00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:21,763 I'll be fine. 351 00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,765 It's just natural to worry about her. 352 00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,462 I get that. 353 00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:28,161 But she seems to be built from pretty tough lumber. 354 00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:31,686 You'd think, but after my dad left 355 00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:33,993 she's been like a little lost bird. 356 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,430 - A crow. - What? 357 00:16:36,517 --> 00:16:38,171 Nothing. 358 00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:41,304 But didn't you tell me your dad ran off, like, 20 years ago? 359 00:16:41,391 --> 00:16:42,827 Leaving the two of us alone 360 00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:45,047 While he went off to Florida with that hooker. 361 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,223 Can you imagine leaving my dear, sweet mother 362 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,964 for a prostitute? 363 00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:52,707 Can you? 364 00:16:53,751 --> 00:16:55,536 - Molly? - No. 365 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:57,320 God, no. 366 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:02,325 - Mike. - Yeah. 367 00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,370 I think that's enough. 368 00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:04,458 It's starting to feel like 369 00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:06,503 midnight mass in here. 370 00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:08,288 Oh, okay. 371 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,332 How are the strawberries? 372 00:17:09,419 --> 00:17:11,117 Are they big enough? 373 00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:14,120 I guess. 374 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,165 Why don't you sit down and try and relax? 375 00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:17,601 Right. I'm sorry. 376 00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,342 I'm just a little distracted by my mom. 377 00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:20,778 I'm sure she's fine. 378 00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:22,650 I don't know, sometimes she puts on a brave face 379 00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:24,217 so I won't worry. 380 00:17:24,304 --> 00:17:27,133 Well, I think that face is just her face. 381 00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:33,269 But I think it's really sweet 382 00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:34,792 that you take such good care of her. 383 00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:36,272 Well, if I don't do it, who's gonna do it? 384 00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:37,360 I get it. 385 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:38,535 After your folks divorced 386 00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:39,841 you became the man of the house. 387 00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:41,930 That's probably why she's so uncomfortable 388 00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:44,367 with the idea of you having another woman in your life. 389 00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:45,586 What do you mean? 390 00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:48,371 Well, don't you find it a little odd 391 00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:50,069 that she started having chest pains 392 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,462 after she found out you were on a date? 393 00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,464 Wait, are you saying that my mom's trying to prevent me 394 00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:56,249 from having a relationship? 395 00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:57,641 I don't know about that, but I'm pretty sure 396 00:17:57,728 --> 00:18:00,253 she's trying to prevent me from having one. 397 00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:04,518 Hey, I don't know how things work in your family 398 00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:06,694 but in my family, we take care of each other. 399 00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,391 We take care of each other, too. 400 00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,176 We just don't fake heart attacks 401 00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,656 to keep each other from getting laid. 402 00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:13,831 [telephone ringing] 403 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,921 Oh, and there she is! 404 00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:20,403 She's probably just calling to say she's fine. 405 00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:23,624 Well, you have a decision to make. 406 00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:27,106 You can take that call and see if she's okay 407 00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:29,847 or you can take me, in your bedroom. 408 00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,675 [Mike on answering machine] 'Hi. This is Mike.' 409 00:18:31,762 --> 00:18:33,460 I think you're gonna make the right decision. 410 00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:38,029 [Peggy] 'It's mom.' 411 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,598 Listen, I'm fine, but I'm really worried about Jim. 412 00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,252 'He's not eating his kibble' 413 00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:47,169 'and when I call his name, his response is very..' 414 00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:49,215 '...I don't know, ambivalent.' 415 00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,480 'Mikey!' 416 00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:54,872 'Mikey!' 417 00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:58,049 'Hello?!' 418 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,617 'Jim, you talk to him.' 419 00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:03,054 ♪ Feels like the first time ♪ 420 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,621 'Mikey!' 421 00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:08,451 'Are you there?' 422 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,675 [Mike] You want some more eggs? 423 00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:15,937 No, thanks. 424 00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:17,156 This is great. 425 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:19,027 They're not too dry, are they? 426 00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:21,290 I usually use a little dollop of milk to make them fluffier 427 00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:24,163 but I was out of milk, so I used cremora. 428 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,513 They're-they're wonderfully fluffy. 429 00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,428 Thanks. 430 00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:32,171 Can you explain why I'm more nervous now 431 00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,694 than I was last night? 432 00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:34,869 I know. It's weird. 433 00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:36,349 I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. 434 00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:38,177 Should I shower here or should I shower at home? 435 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,569 Should I brush my teeth with my finger 436 00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:41,441 so you don't know I packed a toothbrush? 437 00:19:41,528 --> 00:19:43,356 One thing I know I'm not doing is going to the bathroom here. 438 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:48,578 Why not? I can crank up the boom box like last night. 439 00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,189 [chuckles] Forget it. 440 00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:54,976 You in a hurry to get home for any other reason? 441 00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:57,152 'Cause, uh.. 442 00:19:57,239 --> 00:20:00,895 ...I'd love to spend the day with you. 443 00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,244 Really? 444 00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:07,815 I'd love to spend the day with you, too. 445 00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:09,382 Great, then here's the plan. 446 00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:10,600 I'll take a walk around the block 447 00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:11,775 while you go to the bathroom 448 00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,647 and then you do the same for me. 449 00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:17,607 Well, aren't you a gentleman. 450 00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:22,264 [telephone ringing] 451 00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:24,310 [answering machine] 'Hi, this is Mike. I can't come to the phone right now.' 452 00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:26,529 'Please leave me a message.' 453 00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:28,444 [machine beeps] 'Mikey, it's mom.' 454 00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,359 'I didn't sleep well last night.' 455 00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:31,969 'Very fitful.' 456 00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:33,841 'But I don't want you to feel guilty.' 457 00:20:33,928 --> 00:20:36,235 'It's probably just a little congestive heart failure.' 458 00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:40,978 'Hey, do you know if they make a home version' 459 00:20:41,065 --> 00:20:43,111 'of those hospital defibrillators?' 460 00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:44,634 'You know, in case I flat-line' 461 00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,811 'and you need to bring me back to life.' 462 00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:49,813 Come with me. 463 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,815 'I'll shop around for something used.' 464 00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,077 Wait a second. 465 00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:54,340 You're not just having sex with me 466 00:20:54,427 --> 00:20:56,516 Because you're mad at your mom, are you? 467 00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:57,778 Is that a problem? 468 00:20:57,865 --> 00:20:59,649 No, not really. 469 00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:07,918 [theme music]