[instrumental music]
Did you sleep okay?
Uh, yeah, pretty good.
Are you sure? 'Cause I've been told I snore.
Who told you that?
My neighbors.
Excuse me.
Well, there were a couple of times
I thought I was sleeping next to a wood chipper
full of croquet balls.
Yeah, I'd use my sleep apnea machine
but it's got a breathing mask that I have to put over my face.
It's not very sexy.
- Wait, you have sleep apnea? - Yeah.
The machine really helps cut down on the snoring.
For the love of God, use the machine.
Okay, I'll strap it on tonight.
Good.
Do you, uh, have any mouthwash?
Mm, yeah.
There you go.
Wow.
That's mouthwash.
I thought it was wiper fluid.
You got a cup, or you just wanna
stick a funnel in my mouth?
Actually, the cap doubles as a cup.
- Allow me to pour you a skosh. - Oh.
By the way, you're, uh, container of all-in-one
shampoo, conditioner and body wash is empty.
Yeah, I had to use it last night to pre-soak the dishes.
I'll pick up another jug on the way home.
You know, um, oh..
Some people buy their shampoo and conditioner
in separate containers.
I know. Suckers.
Yeah.
[gargling]
Oh, okay. Alright. Alright.
Hey, where do you keep your hair dryer?
Uh, I don't have one.
Usually, I just shake dry like a Labrador .
I just..
Uh, but I'll tell you what
I'll pick you up one from Sam's club today.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
I saw a demonstration on one there.
It was huge, like a sawed-off leaf blower.
Damn near blew a toddler out of the shopping cart.
[doorbell rings]
That's Carl.
Don't forget to leave the seat up
when you're done.
Oh, dear God, he's clueless.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
So, has Molly asked you to empty out one of your dresser drawers
so she could fill it with her feminine doodads?
Nah, she just brings a little overnight bag
with her stuff in it, she packs it in and packs it out
like a cat burglar that has sex with me.
You haven't found hair curlers on your toilet tank
or a couple of emergency tampons in your medicine chest?
Nope, she leaves the scene of the crime
exactly the way she found it.
And the only fingerprints are on me.
Nice, but be careful, I mean, women are nesters.
Sometimes they bring something of theirs over
and claim it's a gift for you.
I remember once this woman I was seeing
brought over a personal vibrator.
Like an idiot, I used it and started mixing margaritas.
You know, come to think of it
Molly recently gave me an agave scrub sponge.
- I'm sorry, a what? - An agave scrub sponge.
What it does is it scrapes all the dead skin off your body
leaving your silky smooth, feel this.
No.
Seriously, it's like velvet.
Oh, man, that's really soft.
Samuel, touch that.
No, I will not touch your arm
and I will not pull your finger...again.
Taunt the immigrant, very funny.
Now, see, I'm guessing that's something she brought over
for herself, but she's saying it's for you.
- You think? - Absolutely.
She's starting to move in.
But stay vigilant, protect your man-cave.
Now, tell me one more time
what's the name of that sponge?
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - 'Hey, Mol.'
Got enough pizza there?
We figured out if your sister answers the door topless
we get it for free.
Happy accident.
When the doorbell rang
I thought it was the FedEx guy.
- You want a slice? - No.
I gotta get changed
and then I'm having dinner at Mike's.
Oh, isn't that nice.
Yeah, he wants to cook for me.
Probably bought a shipping crate full of spaghetti
and an oil drum of marinara.
How come you guys never stay here?
You mean other than the fact that you walk
around naked for free food?
He's a little shy, and his place is more private.
He's a screamer, huh?
I hate when guys scream in your ears.
Trick is, never let 'em near your ears.
- Oh. - Mm-hm.
[doorbell rings]
Hi, I brought a pizza.
Victoria, it's for you.
I'll get this one, honey, you did the last three.
Hey, you got garlic knots in there
I'll go grab my jump rope.
Is it my imagination or are we really starting
to get the hang of this?
Mm-hm. Yeah, it was pretty terrific.
For a while there, it was like we were in the zone
working together as one
and anticipating each other's moves..
...like the '05 White Sox.
Is that why you kept humming "Take me out to the ball game."
I had to, otherwise, I would've laid down a bunt
before I left the dugout.
Do you mind if I finish up
a little bit of work for tomorrow?
No, by all means, go ahead.
It's important that you feel at home here.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
We just shared the most intimate thing
two human beings can share.
At this point, cracking open your laptop is almost redundant.
Well, thank you.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.
Which isn't as funny as it used to be
'cause I had this kid in my class that was..
Whoa.
If this is a turn-off, I can do without it.
No, no, I-I was a little startled but it's fine.
I know it looks a little strange
but it does keep me from snoring.
Which is what makes it so hot.
- Please leave it on. - Okey-doke.
You know, you can get different-colored head straps.
I went with basic black.
Nice. Very slimming.
Goodnight, Molly.
Goodnight, Mike.
[buzzing]
[snoring]
[snoring continues]
[snoring]
[urinating]
[Mike groaning]
Oh, perfect.
[Mike singing]
The gun was right there.
♪ Seat goes down for my lady ♪
♪ No more splash landings ♪
Morning, my little turtledove.
You making papa bear a cup of coffee?
Absolutely, papa bear.
Hey, did Goldilocks sleep out here last night?
Yeah, your bed's a little lumpy.
I guess it would be, it was my mom and dad's old bed.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
Check this out.
It's got three heat settings.
You could bake a pie with this thing.
Thank you. That's very sweet. I'm gonna go take a shower.
Hey, just to show you I've been paying attention
I took your hint and I bought you some shampoo
and conditioner in two separate gallon jugs.
Swell.
Peach-apricot.
You're gonna smell like a fruit salad
all day long!
What's the problem with the mattress you already have?
Well, it's fine with me, but I heard my lady
mention the words "small" and "lumpy."
Huh! You sure she was talking about your mattress?
What are you trying to say, Carl?
Really? I gotta spell it out for you?
Hey, I'm bringing my A-game, pal.
I'm playing it slow and steady, varying my pitches
just enough to keep her guessing.
Good, 'cause you don't want her to look over to the bullpen
and signal to, bring in the lefty.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Is there a specific type of mattress I can help you find?
Talk to him, I'm strictly a waterbed man.
Well, I'm looking for something that can accommodate two
let's say, larger people, comfortably.
Side by side, but sometimes stacked.
Are you thinking conventional mattress
or perhaps memory foam?
Oh, my grandma's got one of those memory foam beds.
It's like sleeping on a cloud.
You know, a cloud that remembers the shape of your ass.
Everything I sit on remembers the shape of my ass.
Well, one of our more popular king-size
is the pillow top, which combines a posturepedic mattress
with a cozy three inch layer of goose down.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, it's even softer than your silky forearm.
I'm going for a test drive.
Oh.
- How is it? - 'Very cushy.'
It's what I always imagined sleeping on you would be like.
Scooch over, that's my side.
Oh, you put a mirror on that ceiling, I could live here.
Show me a casket with one of these in it
you can kill me right now.
Boy, there'll be no getting you up in the morning.
[both chuckling]
You guys known each other a long time?
We've been partners for five years.
Turn on your side.
- Butt-to-butt or spooning? - Spooning.
Does that feel okay?
Are you comfortable?
Yeah, the mattress is offering support
while hugging the contours of my body.
- Switch? - Absolutely.
Oh, God, I'm in heaven.
Yup, you're gonna have one happy girl on your hands tonight.
Well, if you buy this mattress
I think both you girls are gonna be happy.
I'll let you two discuss it.
Why is it, at least three times a week
people think we're gay?
Well, this one I get.
We're snuggling on a mattress.
But when I wipe mustard off your lip
that's just me being helpful.
[knocking on door]
Hey, sweetie, where you been?
I was starting to get worried about you.
Sorry, I had to go home and repack
and I fell asleep on the toilet.
You're not sleeping well?
Because I know how to fix that.
So do I, and it's in your holster.
What's that?
- Nothing. - Hey.
No more restless nights for my baby.
Come, let me show you what I got.
Please tell me it's a jug of vodka
and a martini glass the size of your head.
Ta-da.
You got a new bed?
Yeah, and check out all the pillows.
I was just gonna get two, but Carl said
quantity gives it an "Arabian Nights" type of vibe.
[humming]
Wait a second.
You bought a bed for us with Carl?
No, I bought a bed for you with Carl.
Sweetie, sit down. We need to talk.
Did I do something wrong?
No, no, no.
Buying a new bed for me was very considerate.
Utterly clueless, but very considerate.
I'm not following. Are you happy, or are you sad?
Ever since we started sleeping together, it's been right here.
There was that time we did it on the couch.
Please, no cute talk right now.
I'll try, but I'm feeling pretty cute.
Mike, seriously.
You like me, right?
Are you kidding? I more than like you.
I...like you a lot.
I'm glad, because I am dead-ass tired
running back and forth between my house
and your place every night.
You need to start making my life a little easier for me.
How? I'll do anything.
Start spending some nights at my place.
Almost anything.
- Mike. - Oh, come on.
I don't think I can throw my A-game
with your mother and sister around.
Hey, I've been doing it on your mom and dad's old mattress.
Okay.
I'll go pack a little overnight bag.
Thanks.
Hey, should I bring my agave scrub sponge
or do you have one at your place?
Bring it. That was mine.
Damn it, Carl was right.
We are still gonna sleep at my place sometimes.
- Of course. - Good.
'Cause I paid 700 bucks for that bed
and I want to lay on it with someone besides Carl.
Oh, guess who decided to finally sleep in her own bed?
And by sleep, I mean--
Mom.
Good to see you, Mrs. Flynn. Victoria.
- Hey. - Good to see you.
What do you got in your bag?
Golf clubs or an extra pair of underwear?
Let's just go upstairs.
Sooner the better.
Hey, when I go to bed, I'll put my headphones on
so you can get as nasty as you want.
Keep moving.
Where's the toothpaste?
The tooth..
Oh.
I wanna go home.
Shake the snake a little too hard there, fella?
Oh!
Hello, Mrs. Flynn.
No, I thought I noticed a calcium buildup
on your tile grout, but upon closer surveillance
you're clean as a whistle, good to go.
Thanks.
What time's the luau there, big kahuna?
Ah, yeah, apparently, in my haste to pack
I neglected to bring pajama bottoms.
Hmm, top, no bottoms.
Around these parts, we call that porky piggin' it.
Okay, well, uh, don't worry.
Tomorrow, I will be wearing pants at breakfast.
Well, that makes one of us.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight
Goofy bastard.
How did my bottle of Vicodin end up in the crapper?
Oh, God, I could be in my new bed right now.
I heard you're a screamer
so I'm wearing my noise-reduction headphones.
Appreciate it. Goodnight.
What'd you say?
What did I say?
'Can anybody hear me?'
What is my sister yelling about?
I have no idea.
Look, I really appreciate you staying here tonight.
Well, you've been lugging your stuff back and forth
to my place all week, so, it's the least I could do.
Well, thank you.
You know, we should probably wait
till your mom and sister fall asleep.
Or we could just try to do it really quietly.
Might make it sexier.
- You think so? - Sure.
Hey, we can pretend we're two high school kids
trying not to get caught.
Uh, I'm not sure I know how to do that.
I've only played the one high school kid
trying not to get caught.
Oh, my God, Michael Biggs
ever since I sat behind you in homeroom class
I've been, like, totally fantasizing about this moment
and I always hoped that you'd be my first.
Your first?
Well, I made out with Mindy Peterson once
after cheerleading practice, but that was just an experiment.
And I was, like, majorly thinking about you.
[chuckles]
Okay, that got the home crowd standing.
'Mike's got the power, Mike's got the heat'
'Mike's got the spirit to knock you off your feet!'
[Molly] 'Go, Mikey!'
Are they doing it yet?
Good Lord, I hope so.
What?
Boy, these things are good.
Mike, come on.
Mike.
[laughs]
Stop it, mom.
Morning, Mrs. Flynn.
Morning to you.
- How'd you sleep? - Mom.
What? I'm just asking the man how he slept.
I slept fine, very restful. Thank you for asking.
Glad to hear it.
Can I make you some breakfast?
No, thanks. I'm not hungry.
Really? I thought you'd be starving to death
after winning the big game.
- You're excused. - God bless you.
Go, Mikey!
You know, I gotta say..
it's really kinda nice to have a man in the house.
[theme music]