Hey, I got a little surprise for you.
Whatever it is, I approve.
You have more than earned my trust
and respect in the bedroom.
[chuckles]
Oh, Molly, thank you.
Hang on, was there some kind of anniversary
or special occasion I was supposed to remember?
No, no occasion.
It's just a little something
I saw that screamed "Mike."
Oh, what a coincidence.
I saw something last night
that screamed "Mike."
- Three times. - Just open it.
Oh, boy! Cowboy boots!
Oh, how did you know?
Well, you told me that story
about the boots you had when you were little
and how you stopped wearing them
when all the other boys made fun of you.
Yeah, you get called "Belly the kid" enough
it sours you on western footwear.
Can't believe you remembered that story.
Of course, I did. Just like you remember the stories I tell you.
Right.
Don't worry. I'm not going to quiz you.
- Thank you. - Ha ha ha.
They should fit, I took one of your shoes to the boot store
to make sure I got the right size.
Smart. That way, you didn't have to pour plaster
into one of my footprints.
Oh, my God, these are amazing.
Oh, is that real rattlesnake?
Hundred percent.
[chuckles]
Can you imagine how many snakes
had to die for those things?
Hey, screw them, better on my feet
than biting people and swallowing eggs.
Well, you look very handsome in them, cowboy.
Yeah, they do kind of work on me, don't they?
[Molly chuckles]
I don't know how to thank you.
Well, I got a couple ideas
if you're interested, partner.
Yeah, I'd be mighty happy to oblige, ma'am.
Just let me pull my boots off.
No, no. Leave the boots on.
But take off everything else.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[country music]
You know those cowboy boots aren't regulation police wear.
Neither is the leopard-print thong
You're wearing underneath your uniform.
First of all, it's not a thong, it's a jock strap.
And it's not leopard print, it's camouflage.
That must come in handy when you need to hide
your junk in someone's salad.
What do you want?
Whoa. Is that how you greet paying customers?
Oh, so you're paying now?
Figure of speech.
What's the matter with you this morning?
Two busboys and a waiter called in sick
So I had to walk here in the freezing rain
because my bicycle was stolen.
You want us to file a report? We might be able to find it.
If you're going to play detective
I'd prefer you find my car.
Which was stolen a year ago and the reason
I'm riding a bicycle in the first place.
We'll have two breakfast specials.
You'll have whatever I bring you and you'll like it.
Yes, we will.
So, why did Molly buy you those boots anyway?
- You guys have an anniversary? - No. That's the beauty of it.
She bought them just 'cause she was thinking about me.
Huh. It's kind of like that puka shell necklace
I got you in Fort Lauderdale that you never wear.
Sorry. I'm not a puka shell kind of guy.
- Who doesn't like puka shells? - Everybody.
Except you, Aqua man and Don Ho.
My point is, though, I've never gotten
this kind of attention from a woman before.
It makes me feel kind of
I don't know...sexy.
[Carl chuckles]
Now you know how I feel about my camo jock.
It's like having Rambo in my pants.
Oatmeal or pudding?
I'll have the oatmeal.
[dramatic music on TV]
Don't go in there.
That tunnel is just painted on.
[man on TV] 'Beep-beep.'
Why don't you ever listen to me?
Sweetheart, you shouldn't get so involved in that show.
Yeah. I'm starting to think that dog
is never going to catch that chicken.
Where you going?
Mm, Mike's picking me up
and we're gonna go to an OA meeting.
[gasps] How did he like the cowboy boots?
Mmm. It was so cute.
I mean, his whole face lit up like a little boy's.
So you guys are getting pretty serious, huh?
I think so.
I mean, I don't want to jinx it
but, uh, I think we're headed towards a really good place.
Oh, I love this stage in a relationship
when you're just getting comfortable with each other
and nobody's gotten a restraining order.
Or asked you to have a three-way with their cleaning lady.
[doorbell rings]
Yeah, it's a magical time.
Hey, Moonface. How are you?
What are you doing here, Vince?
I'm taking your mom out for a nice dinner
and for one of those carriage rides along the lake.
It's kind of romantic if you don't mind
The smell of hot, steaming horse crap.
Wait a second. You're dating my mother?
Hey, old soup's still good if you heat it up.
Mom!
Well, come on in, I guess
but stay close to the door.
No problem.
Hey, there she is.
The reason God created tube tops and hands.
You want to go wait on the porch?
Hey, Vin.
Well, you're looking very handsome this evening.
Thanks. I had some fat sucked out of my neck waddle.
Oh..
Well, it's nice.
It really separates your shoulders from your head.
Hey, we should probably shake a tail feather.
The buffet already started, and after about an hour
the calamari starts looking like deep-fried anuses.
[Joyce chuckles]
I know he's not your father
but he treats me like a queen
and you can crack walnuts on his Johnson.
Let's never eat walnuts around him.
Deal.
[instrumental music]
I got to tell you folks, things have been
going pretty well for me.
My job, my personal life.
And as a result, my attitude's better.
I'm losing weight without even thinking about it.
Get this, last Tuesday, I forgot to eat lunch.
Crazy, right? That never happens.
I've forgotten I've eaten lunch on a number of occasions
so I had to eat again just in case.
But this is monumental.
I have forgotten to take the gas nozzle out of my car.
I have forgot my gun was loaded.
But I have never forgotten lunch.
Anyway, long story short, you're looking
at a happy, confident, slightly smaller man
than you saw in here one week ago.
Win the battle here, win the battle here.
No glory, no guts.
Happy trails, mi amigos.
Whoo!
You were pretty cute up there tonight.
No, you're just saying that 'cause you're sweet on me.
Mmm. Both can be true.
Hey, you want to go upstairs and make out in the confessional?
Absolutely. It's been almost a week since my last confession.
- Hi. - Hello.
I just wanted to say that I really loved your share.
Oh, thank you.
I'm Jill.
- Mike. - I know.
I love your boots.
I just moved here from Texas
so I'm kind of a sucker for a man in cowboy boots.
Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ooh.
Oh, this is Molly. She's a friend of mine.
Hi. I'm Molly, Mike's friend.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
Listen, I don't have a sponsor yet
and I'd love for it to be you.
Really? Wow. Nobody's ever asked me to be their sponsor before.
- Let me give you my number. - Great.
I don't have a pen.
Seriously?
Sure. What are friendsfor?
[instrumental music]
You going to tell me what's wrong, or do I have to guess?
I bet if you thought really hard about it
You could figure it out, friend.
Wait. That's what you're mad about?
Because I introduced you as my friend?
Yeah, Mike, that's what I'm so mad about.
So what are you saying, that we're not friends?
That this whole thing is just sex for you?
Because it's more than that for me.
Oh, no.
Don't you dare turn this around.
You know exactly what you did.
She asked me to be her sponsor.
I mean, just because she's pretty
I'm not supposed to help her?
Not that I think she's pretty.
You flirted with her, plain and simple.
- Why don't you just admit it? - I did not flirt with her.
Now, she may have been flirting with me
but I can't control that.
In a way, isn't that a compliment to you?
Do you two want me to leave?
- Yes. - No.
Okay, I'll stay, but I'll cover my eyes.
Should we go upstairs and talk about this?
I don't think there's anything to talk about.
So what, then? Should I just leave?
Well, I'm sure you could go find
some of your friends to hang out with.
[clicks tongue]
Right.
Those boots really do look cute on him.
I know they do!
[instrumental music]
Oh..
Oh, baby, you are nasty.
Do what? Okay, hang on.
Alright, I'm on my hands and knees.
What? Bark like a dog?
Is this the busty Asians chat line?
Oh, damn, I dialed wrong.
[doorbell rings]
Sick people out there.
Uh, you need to call before you come by.
I've been trying to call for the last 45 minutes.
No, really?
What's $2.99 times 45?
What? Why?
Never mind. Come on in.
I thought you were going out with Molly tonight.
I did, we got in a fight.
About what?
Some girl at an OA meeting came up and flirted with me
and Molly got all bent out of shape.
Wait, you had another woman hit on you at an OA meeting?
Man, I need to pack on 80 pounds
and get my fat ass to a church basement.
What was the other girl like?
Was she cute?
Yeah, if you like dirty blondes from Texas.
I like dirty anything from anywhere.
What am I supposed to do?
- I mean, she approached me. - Oh, I hear you, man.
I mean, it's not like you took her phone number or anything.
She used Molly's pen to write it down.
Ohh!
- Man, what is wrong with you? - I don't know.
- Now, lemme ask you a question. - Yeah?
How big is this dirty girl?
We talking Texas toast or just Texas?
[instrumental music]
Molly, why don't you just call him?
No, he needs to call me and apologize.
What is the big deal? All guys flirt.
If they didn't, we'd have to buy our own drinks
and pay for our own speeding tickets.
And dry cleaning and tires.
And this dinette set.
It's not just the flirting.
It's that he couldn't acknowledge
that I was his girlfriend in public.
Oh, Mol, that happens to me all the time.
'Course the guy's usually married
or a high-ranking public official.
You know, I've been in two motorcades.
Once in the trunk and once under the dashboard.
I just thought Mike was different.
You know, he was so shy when I met him
And now he's strutting around, impressing slutty blondes
with his heroic stories of skipping lunch.
You really should cut the guy some slack.
I know he cares about you.
He cares about me 'cause I have sex with him
and every 25th time, he gets a free pair of boots.
Do we have anything stronger than this?
Well, there's a bottle of vodka in the freezer.
Or there's a spliff of Purple Kush in my hand.
[instrumental music]
Guess it was kind of stupid of me
to introduce her as my friend.
Man, you were looking up at stupid with a telescope.
- But your instincts were right. - How so?
Well, it's not in a man's nature to settle down with one woman.
We're supposed to propagate with multiple partners
like they do in the animal kingdom.
What about swans? I heard they mate for life.
Who can confirm that?
Is there some guy following them around all day long?
'Cause if there was, I'm sure he'd see that swan
playing a little duck, duck, goose every now and then.
Hey, Michael, how are you, baby?
I'm alright, nana. How was choir practice?
Well, the new music director is young and full of beans.
I had to pull him aside and tell him
"Brother, the Lord don't need it fancy, he just needs it loud."
So, what are you doing here on a Friday night?
Don't you have a girlfriend?
I'm not sure at the moment.
Oh, what did you do?
Why do you immediately assume it was me?
I'm an old woman, Michael.
Don't waste my time.
Another girl flirted with me.
- Now, how is that my fault? - It's not.
You were just behaving like a natural man.
I see.
And does a natural man
tuck his business between his legs
and dance in front of the bathroom mirror?
Grandma, I was 13 years old.
Worst thing I ever saw.
Wanted to take a stick and blind myself.
Now, Michael, did you flirt back?
Not intentionally, but I was kind of in a zone.
Every time I opened my mouth, something charming fell out.
Hmm. You don't seem to have that problem now.
Tell me, are you interested in this other woman?
No, of course not, nana.
I don't want other women. Molly's it for me.
She's my girlfriend and I love her.
What did you say?
I love her.
I'm done looking.
Molly's my swan.
I don't want to play duck, duck, goose with anybody but her.
- Duck, duck, what? - I don't know, ask Friar Tuck.
I got to go. Thanks, nana.
I'm so happy for you, baby.
Me, too.
[door opens and shuts]
Carlton, I hope one day you meet the right girl
fall in love and find the kind of happiness
your friend has found.
Thanks.
But until then
I guess you're just gonna have to
make do with the love of your old grandma.
Hmm.
[chuckles]
Well, I could do a lot worse.
Mm-hmm. And you have.
[instrumental music]
[both laughing]
So I guess it is kind of funny.
I put makeup on dead people
for a living.
How do you do it? I mean, it's weird, right?
It's got to be weird.
It was at first.
But then I realized
dead people are just like us.
Except they're dead.
I couldn't do it.
I'd be too afraid that their eyes would pop open
and they'd try to eat my flesh.
Doesn't happen as often as you'd think.
Mainly, I just get complaints from family members.
I can't tell you how many times
I've heard someone say
"Hey, you made grandma look like a whore."
[oven dings]
- Cookies. - Cookies.
I ever tell you about the time I went over to Mike's
and baked him that sugarless
nonfat, nondairy cookies?
Oh, that sounds awful.
They were. They tasted like hot dust bunnies.
- You know what he said? - What?
He said, "Wow, these cookies really suck."
And then he ate four more.
God, I love that man.
[gasps]
Did you just hear what you said?
- What did I just say? - You said you loved him.
- When did I say that? - Just now.
- Really? - Really.
Son of a gun.
[both laugh]
Hot, hot, hot, hot!
[indistinct screaming]
What's going on?
Whatever it is, don't stop 'em.
Molly's in love.
Oh, sweetie, is that true?
Uh-huh.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
Good times, ladies.
Good, good times.
[doorbell rings]
Well.. I'll get it.
No reason the three of us
can't prolong this precious moment.
What are you doing here?
I had to tell you something.
What?
First of all, I'm sorry
I flirted with that other girl.
I didn't initiate it
but I also didn't stop it and that was wrong.
I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have made such a big deal about it.
Hey, you had every right to be upset.
You're my girlfriend and that's how
I should've introduced you.
Okay. So I'm still your girlfriend?
Of course you are.
And I love..
...my new boots.
Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without them.
Well, I'm glad you like them.
No, you didn't hear me.
I lovethem.
I love them, too.
Taste like toll house cookies and marijuana.
Well, you shouldn't leave me alone on a Friday night.
It'll never happen again.
[instrumental music]
So that's the makeup sex I've been hearing about.
Seems like you were a little madder than you let on.
Well, I'm not gonna lie
a couple of those scratches were for real, pal.
Maybe I should flirt with other women more often.
Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke!
We should probably go to sleep before you piss me off again.
That's a very good idea.
Goodnight, Molly.
Good night, Mike.
[Molly] 'Are you really gonna sleep in those things?'
[Mike] 'What can I tell you? They make me happy.'
[country music]
[theme music]