1
00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:06,484
Oh, no, mom put
the lawn jockey out again.

2
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,184
Please don't make me
go in there.

3
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:12,012
Relax.
It's just dinner.

4
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:14,275
We'll have a bite to eat,
we're in, we're out.

5
00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:17,191
Isn't that what
Hansel said to Gretel?

6
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:18,714
It'll be fine.

7
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:20,629
We just have to agree
on an exit strategy.

8
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,370
Oh, absolutely,
an exit strategy.

9
00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:24,024
I could say
I don't feel well.

10
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,851
No, I already used
"Molly doesn't feel well"

11
00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:27,592
to get out of coming over
last Sunday.

12
00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:29,072
You had shingles,
by the way.

13
00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:30,682
[sighs]

14
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,293
How about we tell her
I have papers to grade?

15
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:34,034
Not bad, not bad.

16
00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:35,383
I was gonna go
with head lice

17
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:36,775
but I think she keeps
a can of rid

18
00:00:36,862 --> 00:00:39,343
and a metal comb
underneath the sink.

19
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:40,692
We'll go with
"papers to grade."

20
00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,172
Now, do we need
a signal of some sort

21
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:43,869
so I know when
you're ready to leave?

22
00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:46,046
The tears streaming down
my face not enough, huh?

23
00:00:47,699 --> 00:00:49,484
Oh, here we go, when one of us
says "egg salad"

24
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,660
that means wrap it up
and get the hell out.

25
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:52,791
Okay, but how am I
supposed to work

26
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,445
"egg salad"
into a conversation?

27
00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:55,533
You just did.

28
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,492
[chuckles]

29
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,320
Alright, forget egg salad.

30
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,061
Uh, how about
when one of us goes

31
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:02,758
"hey, you know
what's a great song?"

32
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:04,020
"Papa Loves Mambo."

33
00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:08,198
Egg salad, it is.

34
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:10,070
Hang on.

35
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:11,723
Let me just apologize
in advance

36
00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:15,031
for whatever horrors
lie within those walls.

37
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:18,382
Oh. I guess this is part
of being a couple.

38
00:01:18,469 --> 00:01:20,080
I like hearing you
call us a couple.

39
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:22,343
I like saying it.
Molly and Mike.

40
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:26,608
[knocking on window]

41
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,175
You guys gonna
suck face all day

42
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:29,393
or you coming inside?

43
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:33,441
Egg salad.

44
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,619
♪ For the first time ♪

45
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:40,100
♪ In my life ♪

46
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:43,755
♪ I see love ♪♪

47
00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:57,204
You kids want
some more coffee?

48
00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:59,902
Mom, you shouldn't be
walking around on that bad toe.

49
00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:01,208
What's the worst
that can happen?

50
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:02,687
It turns black and falls off?

51
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,036
I got eight more.

52
00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:13,045
You really should
see a doctor, Mrs. Biggs.

53
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,786
You don't want it
to get infected.

54
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:18,616
Well, that'll teach me for going
to that Vietnamese manicurist.

55
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,272
That crazy mamasan
went after my cuticle

56
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,796
like she was hacking down
a banana leaf.

57
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,060
How's the pie?

58
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,758
Really delicious.

59
00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:31,803
Plenty more in the kitchen,
if you're still hungry.

60
00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:34,719
None for me, I had a big bowl
of egg salad for lunch.

61
00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,332
Actually, I could go for
another little sliver of pie.

62
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:45,991
Mikey does love his pie.

63
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:47,471
You do any bakin'?

64
00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:49,517
No, I don't cook much.
I work a lot.

65
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:53,390
And between school
and the shingles, I..

66
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:57,612
When Mikey was a little boy

67
00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,614
I worked full-time
in the school cafeteria

68
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:02,269
and still managed to put
a hot meal on the table.

69
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:03,922
School cafeteria, huh?

70
00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:05,489
I bet that's why
you're such a good cook.

71
00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:07,926
Well, you pick up
a few culinary tricks

72
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:09,928
when you're stirring goulash
with a boat oar.

73
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,411
By the way,
I bought you a present.

74
00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:16,500
Really?

75
00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:19,024
Oh. That's really
very sweet.

76
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:20,243
I know.

77
00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:26,206
Ah!

78
00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:28,338
It's a..

79
00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,732
...hat, right?

80
00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,474
I didn't know your head size,
but the fellow that worked there

81
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,737
was about your build,
and it fit him, so..

82
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,871
- I don't know what to say.
- Try it on.

83
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:44,659
[chuckles nervously]

84
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,883
Yeah, that's what I thought
it would look like.

85
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,367
Whoa.

86
00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:58,673
Did you lose a bet?

87
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,504
No, Mike, your mother bought me
this beautiful hat as a gift.

88
00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:06,420
- Looks nice on her, doesn't it?
- Absolutely.

89
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,770
What color yellow is that?
Kind of a egg salad, right?

90
00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:10,902
Yes.

91
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:13,209
Well, thank you for dinner
and the lovely hat.

92
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,558
Hey, why don't you wear it

93
00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,125
when you come over
for Thanksgiving?

94
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:21,217
You were planning on coming over
for Thanksgiving, weren't you?

95
00:04:21,304 --> 00:04:24,699
Actually, uh, we're going to
Molly's house this year, right?

96
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:27,267
Okay.

97
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,094
Yeah, she's been
prepping for weeks.

98
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,140
I thought you told me
you didn't cook.

99
00:04:31,227 --> 00:04:33,142
And I don't normally.

100
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:35,187
But, uh, for Thanksgiving

101
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,929
I am a regular Martha Stewart

102
00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:40,323
in turkey...stuffing..

103
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,890
assorted, uh

104
00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:44,675
colorful jellos and..

105
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:49,941
Well, I guess Jim and I
will just split a can of hash

106
00:04:50,028 --> 00:04:51,334
and listen to the radio.

107
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:54,294
That sounds like
a nice Thanksgiving.

108
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:56,557
- Mike, no.
- Papa loves mambo.

109
00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:57,775
- Stop it.
- Papa loves--

110
00:04:57,862 --> 00:04:58,994
Stop, stop it.

111
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:03,738
Uh, we would love to have you

112
00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,914
join us for Thanksgiving dinner.

113
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,177
Well, if you're sure
I won't be a bother.

114
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,704
No. No bother.

115
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,315
Can I bring Jim?

116
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,099
He gets nervous
when I leave him alone

117
00:05:17,186 --> 00:05:19,449
and practically chews
his testicles raw.

118
00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:27,414
What the hell
happened in there?

119
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,154
You went completely
off the rails!

120
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,199
What was I supposed to do?

121
00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:31,200
She sat there
with that sad

122
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,462
pathetic look on her face.

123
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:33,550
Nah, she sensed your weakness

124
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:34,943
and then pounced.

125
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,423
You can't ever
drop your guard

126
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,468
or look the beast
directly in the eye.

127
00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:41,297
I called an "egg salad" audible
before any of that happened.

128
00:05:41,384 --> 00:05:43,430
Somebody mentions pie,
and the whole exit strategy

129
00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:44,648
goes out the window.

130
00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:48,478
Oh, "big bowl of egg salad."

131
00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:51,438
I thought that was weird
when you said that.

132
00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:53,265
Now your mom's invited
to a Thanksgiving dinner

133
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,528
that's not even taking place!

134
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,094
What are you talking about?

135
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:57,313
Doesn't your family
cook a big meal?

136
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,620
Alright, picture my mom
and my sister.

137
00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:01,317
Now imagine them working
with appliances

138
00:06:01,404 --> 00:06:04,973
more complex than
a blender or a bong.

139
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,453
Okay, but you can cook,
right?

140
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,193
A little bit,
but I've never prepared

141
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,673
a Thanksgiving
dinner before.

142
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,066
You gotta be kiddin' me.

143
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:13,547
Is that a deal-breaker
for you, sport?

144
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:17,246
Okay, let's not lash out
at each other.

145
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,335
Do you know how much
work is involved

146
00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,119
with preparing
a Thanksgiving dinner?

147
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:23,208
I don't, I'm usually
brought in when someone says

148
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:25,123
"what the hell are we gonna
do with the rest of this food?"

149
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:30,346
But we'll figure it out
together, you and me

150
00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:34,132
working as a team,
our first Thanksgiving.

151
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,134
Alright, I'll do this,
but only because

152
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:39,747
I want your mom to see me
as a strong, capable woman.

153
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,531
I'm still wearing
the hat, aren't I?

154
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:42,750
Damn it!

155
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,579
[instrumental music]

156
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:50,671
You're gettin' an early start
this morning, doodlebug.

157
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:53,413
Yeah. It's really busy
at the mortuary.

158
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,502
I could barely put
makeup on one cadaver

159
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:59,157
before another three
are breathing down my neck.

160
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,508
Well, it's still better
than cocktail waitressing.

161
00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:04,032
At least no dead guy's
tried to grab your ass

162
00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:05,599
or honk your boob.

163
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:06,643
Yet.

164
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:08,166
[taps]

165
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,866
- Oh, morning there.
- Good morning.

166
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:14,346
Guys, listen, Mike and I
are making Thanksgiving dinner

167
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,044
for his mom here,
and I'd really like it

168
00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:17,785
if maybe you could
help out a little.

169
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:21,092
Oh, Mol, I'm so sorry.
I've got a previous engagement.

170
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:23,355
I'm gonna take shrooms
and go to the Blackhawks game.

171
00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:27,969
Yeah, and Vince and I
are going to an Indian casino

172
00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:30,101
to drink whiskey
and play slots.

173
00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:31,799
That's how you're gonna
spend Thanksgiving?

174
00:07:31,886 --> 00:07:34,932
Well, sweetie, we stole all that
land from those poor people.

175
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,152
Least we can do is buy
their firewater

176
00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:39,284
and lose plenty wampum.

177
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:43,375
Come on, guys,
I-I wanna show Mike's mom

178
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,944
that I can pull off a normal,
traditional family Thanksgiving.

179
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:49,469
And God help me, you're
my normal, traditional family.

180
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:54,561
- What do you think?
- Sure, I guess.

181
00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:56,171
Thank you.

182
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,695
I'm still gonna
get wasted.

183
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:01,089
I'm wasted right now.

184
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:03,047
Hm? Seven o'clock
in the mornin'.

185
00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,485
You try putting lipstick
on a dead guy without a load on.

186
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:09,314
[instrumental music]

187
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:10,881
Thanks, man.
My grandma's gonna love this.

188
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,105
Really? I mean,
it's fairly hideous.

189
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:20,108
No.
She loves ugly hats.

190
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:21,413
She wore one last Sunday
that looked like

191
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,763
Bert and Ernie
in a cage match.

192
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,986
Listen, how'd you like
to come over for Thanksgiving?

193
00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:31,641
Hm, you mean eating turkey
off a TV tray and watching that

194
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:33,948
sad-ass dog chew himself every
time your mom leaves the room?

195
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:36,820
I think not.

196
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:39,083
No, we're having it
at Molly's house this year.

197
00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:41,521
- My mom, her mom, her sister.
- I can't.

198
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,392
Grandma and I are going
to the potluck at Church.

199
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,742
- Well, bring Nana with you.
- I don't know.

200
00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:47,178
They got a lot of single ladies
at that potluck

201
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,311
and they're vulnerable
during the holidays.

202
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:51,052
You know, sometimes they'll
throw you one on Turkey Day

203
00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:52,444
just so they can have
a date on Christmas.

204
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:57,841
Please, you can't leave me
alone in that henhouse.

205
00:08:57,928 --> 00:08:59,843
Well, I already invited Samuel
to come with us.

206
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,149
Can I bring him over
to Molly's place?

207
00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:02,846
Absolutely.
Molly won't mind.

208
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:06,284
- The more, the merrier.
- Hey, Samuel, change in plans.

209
00:09:06,371 --> 00:09:08,460
We're having Thanksgiving with
Mike and Molly at her place.

210
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,158
Oh, that sounds very nice.

211
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:11,986
My roommates and I
will be happy to attend.

212
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:16,120
Roommates?

213
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:17,861
We will prepare a traditional

214
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,341
Senegalese delicacy.

215
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:20,777
Have you ever eaten
monkey brains

216
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:23,127
fresh from the skull?

217
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:24,825
That's disgusting.

218
00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:28,002
Oh, but you're fine with
old bread from a bird's ass.

219
00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:32,397
[instrumental music]

220
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:42,625
Okay, I'm gonna need some
more bread for the stuffing.

221
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:45,585
- Whee!
- Mike. Mike! Mike!

222
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,414
Do you wanna wait in the car?
Do you wanna wait in the car?

223
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:52,635
'Cause I will put you
in the car.

224
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,855
Sorry.

225
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:56,204
Okay, now for the turkey.

226
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:58,119
Let's see, there's, uh,
six of us

227
00:09:58,206 --> 00:09:59,468
and the magazine says
you should buy

228
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,557
half a pound
turkey per person.

229
00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:03,559
Really? That's only
three pounds of bird.

230
00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:05,692
You might as well just yank
a pigeon out of a car grill.

231
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,696
You know what?
Let's get the 20-pounder.

232
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:11,001
Better safe than sorry.

233
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,960
We're not gonna eat
that much turkey.

234
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:15,615
You sure? What if there's some,
you know, last minute drop-ins?

235
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,834
- Like who?
- Well, anybody, really.

236
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:21,055
I mean, Carl might drop by,
and he might bring his grandma.

237
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:23,318
And who knows, Samuel
might pop over to say hi

238
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,320
and introduce us to his
five Senegalese roommates.

239
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,673
Oh, God.

240
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,806
What have you done?

241
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:34,634
This is the first turkey
I've ever cooked.

242
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:36,723
I don't wanna give
half of Chicago salmonella.

243
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:39,726
Hey, worry wart,
I'm there for you.

244
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,641
I'll carve the bird,
I'll shuck the corn

245
00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:43,643
I'll peel the potatoes
for the au gratin

246
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,296
with the crispy
melted cheese on top.

247
00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:47,995
- I'm making mashed potatoes.
- Really? Aw.

248
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,390
I mean, oh, boy!
Mashed potatoes!

249
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,088
I love me
some mashed potatoes!

250
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:57,004
You said
I could push the cart.

251
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:00,877
[alarm clock beeping]

252
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,620
Oh.

253
00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:06,753
Mike, time to get up.

254
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,190
Come on. We gotta get
the turkey in the oven.

255
00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:11,758
I gotta start
boiling potatoes.

256
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,716
Mike.

257
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:14,935
What? What's going on?

258
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,721
Take off the machine
and get up.

259
00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:20,070
What time is it?

260
00:11:20,157 --> 00:11:22,769
It's 5:00 a.m.
We gotta get the meal started.

261
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:24,727
It's still dark outside.

262
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:27,774
Well, that giant turkey
needs 11 hours to cook.

263
00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:30,254
This giant man needs
eight hours of sleep.

264
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:32,909
Get up.

265
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:38,523
[machine beeping]

266
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,003
[gasps]
What? What happened?

267
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,748
Oh, quit your whining.

268
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:49,099
Only people up this early
are crackheads and prostitutes.

269
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:54,235
Whoa.

270
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:56,846
What are you guys
doing up so early?

271
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:59,327
It's Thanksgiving. We gotta
put the turkey in the oven.

272
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:02,809
Cool. Wake me up so I don't miss
the big, floating Bullwinkle.

273
00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:07,248
She asks me that
12 times a year.

274
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:10,860
I don't think it has anything
to do with Thanksgiving.

275
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:13,733
Alright, I'll pre-heat the oven
and get the potatoes started

276
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,473
while you remove
the giblets from the turkey.

277
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,041
Got it. And the giblets
are what and where?

278
00:12:18,128 --> 00:12:20,827
Uh, well, it says
"it's the heart, liver

279
00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:22,785
"gizzard and neck
which are located in a bag

280
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:24,439
in the carcass cavity."

281
00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:28,922
Ew, "carcass cavity."

282
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,881
Two words you don't ever
wanna hear together.

283
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,970
Just reach in, pull 'em out
and throw 'em away.

284
00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:35,493
Can't I just
sprinkle brown sugar

285
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:37,060
over the top
of the sweet potatoes?

286
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:38,279
We're not having
sweet potatoes.

287
00:12:38,366 --> 00:12:40,585
You gotta be kiddin' me.

288
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:43,371
- Giblets, now!
- Alright, alright.

289
00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:52,162
Oh, this is putrid.

290
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,556
You're a cop. You've handled
dead bodies before.

291
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,123
Yeah, but we don't have
to do this to 'em.

292
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:01,389
It's like a gift bag
from Jeffrey Dahmer.

293
00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:04,305
Garbage! Garbage! Garbage!

294
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,046
Okay, what else?

295
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,612
Take the stuffing out
of the refrigerator

296
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:08,962
and put it in the turkey.

297
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:11,921
When the timer goes off,
put it in the oven.

298
00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:13,836
How come I'm doing
all the work?

299
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:14,881
Would you rather go out
to the garage

300
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:15,882
and haul in the card tables

301
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,274
and folding chairs

302
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:18,667
and wash and iron
the table linens?

303
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:20,190
- No, ma'am.
- Then shut your pie hole.

304
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:24,804
Good. We're having pie.

305
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,159
Oh, God.
This can't be good.

306
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,165
What the hell
are you doing?!

307
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:39,819
Are you hell-bent
on presentation

308
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,778
or can we dismember
this bastard?

309
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:44,388
I told you it was too big.

310
00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:45,999
Well, a smart person
would have taken their

311
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:47,870
oven dimensions
to the grocery store.

312
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:50,090
A smart person would have held
your breathing tube longer.

313
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:55,051
You know what? This is a problem
that can be solved.

314
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:56,661
Now, if memory serves,
you have a barbecue grill

315
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:57,924
out back, correct?

316
00:13:58,011 --> 00:13:59,099
- Yes.
- Well, lucky for you.

317
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,144
Your boyfriend
is Mr. Barbecue.

318
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,103
Hm, do tell.

319
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,931
Well, I have yet to meet
a piece of beef, pork or poultry

320
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:08,848
that I couldn't transform into
a mouthful of smoky goodness.

321
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,327
Fine. Do your magic.

322
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:13,113
FYI, my magic will
require steak sauce

323
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,637
hot and tangy mustard
and three cans of beer.

324
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,160
You're gonna put beer
in the turkey?

325
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,727
I'm gonna put beer in the chef.

326
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:20,424
It's colder than
a well-digger's ass out there.

327
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:24,907
Come on.

328
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,605
Light, you son of a bitch!

329
00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:29,346
Mash, you sons of bitches.

330
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,743
Mm. Smells good in here.

331
00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:36,353
Hey, did you make coffee?

332
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,703
Yeah, six hours ago.

333
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:41,532
Hey, if you're taking orders,
I love those au gratinpotatoes.

334
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,447
Mashed!
We're having mashed!

335
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,059
[doorbell ringing]

336
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,411
No, you relax.
I'll get it!

337
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:54,328
Hey, I don't wanna
waste the Viagra

338
00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:57,505
so if I fall asleep later
from all the turkey..

339
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:58,767
...soldier on.

340
00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:02,249
Grill's lit!

341
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:11,214
I might still be drunk
from last night

342
00:15:11,301 --> 00:15:13,695
but I think I just saw
a giant bear in the backyard

343
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,392
with one of its paws on fire.

344
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,398
Mrs. Biggs, you're early.

345
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,923
Really, really early.

346
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,925
Well, I could walk
around the block a few times

347
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:28,971
but of 'course, I might lose
this toe at some point.

348
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:31,278
- No, no, no, come in.
- Here.

349
00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:33,193
That's my famous
green bean casserole.

350
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,936
If anybody asks,
the secret ingredient is salt.

351
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,676
That sounds delicious.

352
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:41,723
I came over early to see
if I could pitch in and help.

353
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:44,595
Well, I-I think everything's
pretty well taken care of.

354
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:47,250
Why don't you just sit down
and make yourself at home?

355
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:48,556
Is Jim allowed
on the furniture

356
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:51,211
or are you an animal hater?

357
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,735
No, it's fine.
I mean, he's clean, right?

358
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:56,216
Oh, yeah, he had
his anal glands expressed

359
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:58,261
a couple days ago.

360
00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:00,263
He's cleaner back there
than you or me.

361
00:16:03,745 --> 00:16:05,573
Can I get you something
to drink?

362
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:09,316
Uh, three fingers of Canadian
whiskey with a splash of tap.

363
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,013
And if we don't have
Canadian whiskey?

364
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,276
Then forget it.
I got a cough drop in my purse.

365
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:17,367
What the hell are
you guys doing?

366
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:19,021
Vince made mimosas.

367
00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:22,155
You were all out of orange
juice, so I used Sunny Delight.

368
00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:24,374
Salud!

369
00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:25,941
What is that smell?

370
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,377
Could be the crescent rolls

371
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,684
or could be
your boyfriend's hand.

372
00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:33,427
Somebody's gotta go out there
and talk to Mike's mom.

373
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:35,951
I'll do it.

374
00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:39,824
And the weird thing is,
you are my first choice.

375
00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,309
Tough guy, huh?

376
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:48,355
Well, say hello
to my little friend.

377
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,837
Mike, I need you inside.

378
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:54,970
But I gotta watch the turkey.

379
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:56,798
No, now.
Your mom's here.

380
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:59,279
I either need you
or your Taser.

381
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,455
But I could only get one side
of the barbecue lit

382
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,152
so I gotta turn it
every ten minutes.

383
00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:06,851
And every time I open the lid,
the turkey ices over.

384
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:09,202
So how long do you think
it's gonna be before it's done?

385
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:11,987
Smart money's on Christmas,
around 5:00, 5:30.

386
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,209
God, could this day
get any worse?

387
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,124
You're not enjoying yourself?

388
00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:19,647
'Cause I was just
standing out here thinking

389
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,779
what a great day this is.

390
00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:25,392
- How do you figure?
- I woke up laying next to you.

391
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:28,482
We're spending our first
Thanksgiving together.

392
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,092
I don't know how it gets
any better than that.

393
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:36,794
Oops, it just got better.

394
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,629
So Molly tells me
you're a widow.

395
00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:47,544
Yeah, my husband passed away

396
00:17:47,631 --> 00:17:49,111
when the girls
were still little.

397
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:51,374
You're lucky, mine
fell in love with a whore

398
00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:52,984
and ran off
to God knows where.

399
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,857
At least you know
where yours is.

400
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:57,337
Hey, let me tell you something

401
00:17:57,424 --> 00:17:59,426
your ex-husband's an idiot

402
00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:02,168
because you're still
a very handsome woman

403
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:04,257
even with the weird dog
and the bad toe.

404
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:08,261
Who the hell are you?

405
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:14,267
Listen, everybody,
for those of you who had your

406
00:18:14,354 --> 00:18:17,792
hearts set on turkey today,
we got a teeny bit of bad news.

407
00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:20,229
- You burn it?
- Only on the outside.

408
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:21,883
On the inside,
it's a glacier.

409
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,060
Well, don't worry
about it, dear.

410
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:27,149
We all muck up our first
couple of turkeys.

411
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,325
hat's why the Lord
invented gravy.

412
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:32,372
Let's see what we can
salvage of this bird.

413
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:34,809
- Thank you, Mrs. Biggs.
- How are you fixed for salt?

414
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:40,597
- Knock, knock.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

415
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,730
- Hey!
- 'Happy Thanksgiving, guys.'

416
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:45,646
- Nice hat.
- Thank you.

417
00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:49,780
Egg salad.

418
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:52,914
[instrumental music]

419
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:58,137
[indistinct chatter]

420
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:01,140
[glass clinking]

421
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:05,840
You know, uh,
when Molly decided

422
00:19:05,927 --> 00:19:07,711
she wanted to throw
a big Thanksgiving dinner

423
00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:09,104
I said, "What, are you crazy?

424
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,671
"Do you know
how much work that is?"

425
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:11,672
Remember, sweetie?

426
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:14,153
Mm-hm.

427
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,199
And, uh, although
it may not look exactly

428
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,897
like the cover of a magazine

429
00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:21,682
it looks beautiful to me.

430
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,901
And I'm thankful
to be here with my mom

431
00:19:23,988 --> 00:19:26,426
and Joyce, Victoria and..

432
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:27,557
...sorry.

433
00:19:27,644 --> 00:19:29,342
Vincent Moranto.

434
00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,387
I'm datin' the mom,
not the gumdrop.

435
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:38,960
And, of course, Carl and Nana,
you're like my second family.

436
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,397
And Samuel, I'm so happy
you could join us this year

437
00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:43,921
and bring, uh...sorry,
you gotta help me out.

438
00:19:44,008 --> 00:19:45,880
Mamadou, Moustapha

439
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:48,230
Souleymane, Aziz and Frank.

440
00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:54,454
Got it.
Next year, name tags.

441
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:56,282
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

442
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:58,501
[all in unison]
Happy Thanksgiving.

443
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,808
[glasses clinking]

444
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,551
[indistinct chattering]

445
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:22,221
[instrumental music]

446
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,186
[theme music]