Wow, what a fun night.
We got to watch two guys joust
while eating wild boar with our bare hands.
Wild boar my ass, it was ham loaf.
Let us not quibble saucy wrench.
Ooh, apologies, Sire.
Well, maybe next weekend we can go to the museum.
Uh, maybe. We'll talk about it.
Why the hell is the chain on?
- Who's in there? - I don't know.
The only other person who has a key is Carl.
Why does Carl have a key to your apartment?
I gave him one in case I'm out of town
and I need him to bring in my mail or water my plants.
Alright, well, you're not out of town
and you don't have any plants.
He's probably in there doing some broad.
- Mike, that's disgusting. - Sorry.
He's in there making sweet love to some broad.
So you're telling me, right now
he's in there having sex on our bed?
I don't think so, Carl likes to stand and deliver.
Oh, God.
I don't wanna know that.
How often does this happen?
I don't know, I gave him a key about four years ago.
So, what is that? Once every four years.
Well, it looks like we're going back to my place.
Boy, I don't know about that.
I'm still not real comfortable, you know
sleeping over with your mom and sister within earshot.
[Carl] 'Come on, spank my butt.'
Your place it is.
Make haste! Make haste!
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[blows]
Morning, sunshine.
Morning.
- Did you sleep okay? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, you must have been really exhausted last night
'cause the minute your head hit the pillow
you were out like a light.
Nothing could wake you.
Not whispering in your ear
not massaging your shoulders
not a gentle tap with ye olde jousting pole.
Yeah, some nights, Mike, we're just gonna go to sleep.
- That's not a problem, is it? - No, not at all.
Besides, it's the waking up next to you that I live for.
How many times last night did I say
"Please stop poking me in the back with your jousting pole?"
Four. You had to say it four times.
Well, I guess, on the upside, Carl got to have sex last night.
Ah, there it is.
Listen, the minute he's out of there, I'll bring in
an entire cleaning crew. Guys that do crime scenes.
They can get brains out of air conditioning vents.
I just thought your apartment was our secret little getaway.
A place where no one would bother us, and now it just
feels like the happy ending room at the chicken ranch.
Look, I'll get the key back from him and if he needs
it again, he can call and schedule something.
You are really not hearing me.
I'm talking about on one of our sex-free nights.
By the way, how often is that gonna happen?
You know, so I can bring over a book or a puzzle.
You're a real class act, Vince.
Oh, you need your space?
What you need is hair plugs and a breath mint.
- What's going on? - Mom's breaking up with Vince.
Fine, I want my garage clicker
and my Walgreens senior discount card.
Let's see what kind of Casanova you are
when you're paying full price for your boner pills.
Mmm! Coffee.
Mom, forget that creep. You can do a lot better than him.
And I will.
What do you men want from us?
We cook for you, we clean for you
we destroy our bodies giving you children.
Not that I'd trade either one of you for my old boobs.
You know, I would love to stay and chat
but I should probably skedaddle.
Oh, yeah, that's what you do best, you run.
Leaving us with nothing but heartache
and a crotch full of stubble burn.
You know what, I don't need any coffee.
I am wide awake. Bye-bye.
You know, if they'd invent a vibrator
that killed spiders and did the cha-cha
we wouldn't need any of 'em.
[instrumental music]
Mm-mm-mm!
There's nothin' like a night of good lovin'
to make a man feel alive.
I wouldn't know.
Goin' through a little bit of a dry spell, are you?
Don't worry. I'm gettin' enough for the both of us.
Good for you. I want my key back.
What are you talkin' about?
I haven't ridden all the rides yet, and you're tryin'
to shut down six flags over Carl.
Well, why can't you go to her place?
'Cause I'm not comfortable havin' sex in a bunk bed
with her sister underneath us cooking kimchi on a hot plate.
- Wait, she's Korean? - I think she's Korean.
Is "Carl too beaucoup" Korean?
No, "Carl too beaucoup" is a lie.
Well, whatever, you gotta give me one more night.
- Aw, Carl. - Please!
I can't bring her back to my place.
My grandma's gonna make her do the laundry.
Alright, I'll give you one more night
but then I need the key back.
Thank you.
You're a great man.
Which by the way, in Korean is..
[speaking Korean]
- Heard that a lot last night. - Aww.
Alright, the dishes have been washed and dried.
Oh, wait, there's one more dish.
I think this one, I'll just lick clean.
Mike!
You wanna go upstairs and burn off dinner?
I can't. I have, like, three hours worth of papers to grade.
Three hours? What am I supposed to do for three hours?
I don't know. What did you do before you had a girlfriend?
I didn't do dishes, I can tell you that.
- Go watch TV. - So, is that it?
We're never gonna have sex again?
What is the matter with you?
It's only been one night.
I know, but it's a bad pattern.
You hear about couples all the time
that lose that part of their relationship.
Next thing you know, she's joined a book club
and he's rubbing up against old ladies at a grocery store.
Listen to me.
I didn't say none at all or never again.
I said not now, okay?
Okay.
So we're still in that hot, crazy
can't get enough of that funky stuff phase, right?
Absolutely.
If I didn't have to eat
bathe or earn a living
I'd never unwrap my legs
from around your mighty torso.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Yep, 24x7, sex, sex, sex.
Alright!
And even though I know you're shining me on
I'll take it.
[chatter on TV]
- Hey, Victoria. - Whoa.
Where did you come from?
The kitchen.
What are you watching?
A very informative documentary
on UFO's and extraterrestrials.
Well, yeah, but you don't actually believe
that we've been visited by aliens, do you?
Yes, I do.
And they're not just visiting.
They're here.
Really!
Haven't you ever been in a conversation with somebody
and the whole time you're thinking
"Wow, this person is from another planet?"
Yes.
Well, there you go.
Seeing is believing, Mike.
Same thing with Bigfoot.
Wait, now hold on.
Now you're telling me you believe in Bigfoot?
I didn't used to.
Till I saw him running away from our campsite
with a can of Pringles and a bag of weed.
I see. So Bigfoot stole marijuana from you?
That's messed up, right?
Totally uncool, yeah.
What is camping without weed?
I'll tell you what it is.
It's just sleeping outside.
You know, that's actually very true.
So, yes, I do believe in Bigfoot.
And yes, I think he's a total jerk.
[Joyce sobbing]
[knocks on door]
Mrs. Flynn, you alright?
- 'Fine.' - Okeydoke.
[sobbing continues]
Damn it, my penchant for chivalry
is nothing but a curse.
[knocks on door] Coming in. You decent?
[sobbing]
Is there anything I can get you?
I want my youth back.
I was thinking more along the lines of a Fresca
or piece of toast?
You know, when I was young
I was considered quite the catch.
And not just because I put out.
[sniffles]
I can see that.
And may I say, you're still
a very attractive woman.
Yeah, and I'm in good shape, too.
I do Pilates three times a week
and I'm a lifetime kegeler.
Hey, you want to see a picture of me
when I was third runner-up for Miss Cook County?
Well, I got to, um..
I'd love to.
This was before I met Molly's dad.
I would have finished higher, but apparently
Miss Congeniality's special talent
was sword swallowing, if you get my drift.
Hey, where's Mike?
He went upstairs.
Everything okay?
I guess.
He got bent out of shape when I lit up a doobie.
I mean, I get it, he's a cop
it's against the law.
But still, dude needs to chill.
[Mike and Joyce laughing]
Hey. Wha..
What are you doing?
Uh, just looking at some old family pictures with your mom.
Look at you, running around all naked in the water wiggle.
Oh. Great.
Uh, hey, I was just going to bed.
Would you like to join me?
Yeah, in a minute.
Look, your senior prom.
You and your cousin Jerry made a very handsome couple.
For the record, he was a wonderful dancer.
[instrumental music]
Here's your key.
Thanks. You did the laundry?
Sheets, pillowcases, towels, and drapes.
Drapes?
We were out of towels.
Ugh!
You realize I eat my meals in that apartment.
Don't worry, the kitchen table's fine.
But I wouldn't eat any fruit, or go near the butter.
You know, Carl, if you like this woman
you might consider introducing her to your grandmother
and having a relationship under your own roof.
Nah, it's not that kind of thing.
Besides, I had to cut her loose.
- She was getting too clingy. - So, that's it?
You just have your way with her
and then kick her to the curb.
Hey. I made no promises.
Before we ever hooked up, I told her
I could not be tied down.
Turns out I could be tied down and punished
punished, punished.
I hope you at least let that woman down gently
and didn't make her think it was her fault.
I did, I told her it was me, and I was all
messed up in the head, and I needed some space.
Oh, Carl, they can see right through that.
They know you're really saying that they're too old
or not pretty enough.
I can't tell how old she is. She's got that Asian thing.
She could be 18 or 80.
Real nice, Mr. Sensitive.
What's with you today, anyway?
Did you ever stop to think that this woman might have
real feelings for you, and you've just broken her heart?
Well, it's better to have loved Carl and lost him
than to never have loved Carl at all.
Men.
What did you say?
You heard me.
[instrumental music]
Oh, yeah, just hanging out
watching the game, doing guy stuff.
Hey, how's your mom? Is she okay?
Oh, well, don't let her sit up in her room all night.
She needs to get out and engage with other people.
Boom! There it is!
He's not getting up from that.
Fellas, I am on the phone here.
Eh, you're missing this. They're bringing out the stretcher.
Shh, please!
Hey. See if you can get your mom out of her bathrobe
and into something that makes her feel pretty.
And ask Victoria to help, so she feels included.
Hey, Mike.
[smacking lips]
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Why did you invite us over here if you're gonna
talk to your girlfriend all night long?
Hey, she's worried about her mom
'cause she just got dumped by some jerk.
Sound familiar, Carl?
Whoa. Don't get your panties in a bunch, Mary Kay.
Perhaps it is his time of the month.
Well, he does look a little bloated.
[laughs]
If you knew what a menstrual cycle does to a woman
both physically and emotionally, you would not joke.
Oh, yes. His egg has dropped.
You know what? I'm gonna take a little walk.
Uh, why?
I need a little time to myself.
Is that alright with you, Mr. Man?
I hope he went out for Midol and chocolate.
Another profiterole, Joyce?
Oh, I probably shouldn't.
Please. If I had your figure
I'd be sucking up those babies like an anteater.
- You're terrible. - I know!
Mike, I thought you wanted to hang out
with your friends tonight.
Well, isn't that what I'm doing?
- Aw! - Aw!
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it, ladies.
You sit. Enjoy.
Oh, I just wanna eat him up.
Well, with your figure, you can.
- Hey. - Oh, Vince, not a good time.
I need to talk to Joyce.
Yeah, I don't know, she's pretty upset with you.
- Who is it? - It's me, Vince.
I'm sorry, lamb chop.
Get the hell off my porch.
Please, let me explain.
What's to explain?
You wanted space?
Go sit on a missile!
Vince, let's you and I step outside.
Beat the crap out of him!
If you're gonna take a poke at me
I'm begging you, not in the face.
That's all I got.
Relax. Nobody's gonna hit you.
But I wouldn't climb into a cage with Joyce right now.
I did bad, I know.
I thought I had a shot at a 23-year-old dental hygienist.
- Twenty-three? - Yeah.
Skin like milk. Smelled like a puppy.
Okay. You had sex with this woman?
No, never went that far.
Well, how far did it go?
I asked her to have sex with me, she said no.
- Aw, Vince. - I went crazy.
I saw that young body, and all of a sudden
I had a full head of hair and a sack I wasn't sitting on.
Do you have any idea how much you hurt
that poor woman in there?
I know, and, as God is my witness
I will never hurt her again
and I will do anything to get her back.
Alright. I'll talk to her for you.
But I can't make any promises.
Hey. Leave out the part about the puppy smell.
That sounds a little creepy.
Wait here.
Okay, I'm not telling you what to do
but I think that man really cares about you
and he's genuinely sorry.
So what, now you're taking his side?
No, I'm not taking his side.
And it doesn't matter whether
I like him or you like him
it's up to your mom to decide
what she wants to do.
I'd like to smear honey on his ass
and stuff him in a bag full of fire ants.
Well, he's still out on the porch
and he did say he'd do anything.
Might as well hear what the son of a bitch has to say.
If I hit him, do you have to arrest me?
You get a free pass on the first punch.
After that, I gotta step in.
All I need is one.
You guys really stick up
for each other, don't you?
There's a certain gender loyalty, yes.
Which reminds me..
...got the key back from Carl.
Why are you giving it to me?
I don't know, I thought you might like
to come and go as you please.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
It's a big step, Mike.
I know, but it feels like the right thing to do.
I don't know what to say.
Speechless. Finally.
Don't push it, pal.
So can I have a key to your place?
Absolutely not.
How come?
I'm just not there yet.
Oh.
You're so easy.
It's under the lawn gnome in the backyard.
[laughs]
- Hey, Mike? - Yeah?
If I blaze up, are you gonna get all piggly-wiggly on me?
You know, Victoria
you don't need to get wasted to have a good time.
What are you talking about?
I'm just saying that a person doesn't need
drugs or alcohol to enjoy themselves.
I'm not following you.
Give it up.
You can't save everybody
in one night, Sir Galahad.
- Let's go to bed. - Alright.
But we're not gonna have sex every night.
You okay with that?
No. You're putting out.
You know, many Africans have played professional basketball
but to my knowledge, very few have played
professional football.
Huh. Not surprising.
Those brothers are like, 10 feet tall and 65 pounds.
That's a stick of licorice with a helmet on.
Do you have cheerleaders in your country?
No. There's not much to cheer about.
Wouldn't it be great if everyone had cheerleaders in their jobs?
Just ten hot bitches screaming, "Go, Carl, go!"
[laughs]
Y-you've been getting "Go, Carl, go"
for the last two nights, haven't you?
Yeah, but that's over.
I don't understand.
If it was so good, why did you end it?
She wanted to have a real relationship, settle down.
But that's not my thing.
I'm more of a lone wolf.
Prowling the night.
She broke up with you, didn't she?
Yeah, she said I was too clingy and emotional.
So it was not "Carl too beaucoup"
it was "Carl too boo-hoo."
Shut up and watch the game.
Whoa.
I wouldn't eat those grapes.
[instrumental music]