[instrumental music]
Here you are, gentlemen.
A hot breakfast for two of Chicago's finest.
In the spirit of Christmas
I've provided you each
with a complimentary sausage link.
If you need anything else, merely wave your hand
and I will appear like a magic genie.
Boy, he becomes a total kiss-ass at gift time, doesn't he?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the day before his birthday, he gave me free bacon.
Finish all your Christmas shopping yet?
Almost. I just bought grandma a five-branch wig tree.
Yeah, she puts all her different coifs on that.
It's gonna look like a Jackson family reunion.
All that's left to do is swing by the car wash
and pick up a few stocking stuffers.
Oh, so I guess I'm getting another
naked lady car freshener.
No, I'm not buying any more of those.
Thing didn't smell anything like a naked lady.
But don't worry, I got you something you're gonna like.
That's what you said about the singing rubber fish.
That was a great gift. Why'd you take it out of the bathroom?
It was motion-activated.
Every time I stood up to wipe
I heard "Don't worry, be happy."
That's good advice in any room of the house.
So what'd you end up getting for Molly?
I'm still circling a couple things.
You know, trying to narrow it down, find the perfect gift.
- You got nothing, do you? - Not a damn thing.
And I have absolutely no idea what the woman likes.
Well, apparently, she likes big dumb guys.
Well, it would be stupid to get her
another one of those, wouldn't it?
Hey, how about a gift card?
You know what a gift card says? "Here, you do it."
Which is barely forgivable for your best friend
let alone the woman that you're sharing a bed with.
Does that mean you didn't like the Macy's gift card
I gave you last year?
It was for $15. I got a key chain.
After I added $30 of my own money.
Okay, so no gift cards. This is how I learn.
I might be able to scrape together enough
to buy Molly a nice piece of jewelry.
Oh, no, no, that sets the bar too high.
You get her jewelry on your first Christmas
there's no going back to smoked salmon or bath beads.
Yeah, but if I start too small
it's gonna look like I don't care.
Get her a nice pair of shoes.
- Really? - Yeah, women love shoes.
That's true, they do.
Plus, molly's got those beautiful feet.
Got some nice high arches, and sweet little toes
that always look impeccable.
What are you doing looking at my girlfriend's feet?
Hey, I appreciate nice-looking feet on a woman.
And hers are outstanding.
She could be a flip-flop model.
Know what? I'm taking your complimentary sausage link.
And I think you know why.
Fine. If you don't want my help, good luck.
I don't even know her shoe size.
Six and a half.
Would you like to spice up your coffee
with a fresh cinnamon stick?
- Thank you, Samuel. - Very nice of you.
I wish I could do more, but as you know
I am a humble man of meager means.
- Here you go. - Merry Christmas.
Oh, what an unexpected surprise.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Samuel, we're out of cream over here.
Well, we all have our little problems, don't we, big guy?
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God, it's like the shoe warehouse in here.
Six and a half. Son of a bitch was right.
[Molly] 'Mike, you up here?'
What are you doing?
Oh, I must've dozed off.
- Are you feeling okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just resting my eyes.
Tough day on the mean streets of Chicago.
You wanna to come downstairs? We're trimming the tree.
Great. I'll be down in a minute. I can string the popcorn.
Assuming you have an ultrasonic popcorn popper
with an automatic butter dispenser.
As a matter of fact, we do.
Good. Good.
Hey, you know what would be fun?
To put on some Christmas music down there.
- Do you have an iPod? - Yes, I do.
Why don't I go get it?
Smooth. Real smooth.
[goofy voice] "Do you have an ultrasonic popcorn popper
with an automatic butter dispenser?"
Well, it's official, I'm dating clueless Joe Jackson.
Yeah, he clearly hasn't had a lot of girlfriends.
Yesterday, he asked me if you needed jumper cables
or if you'd ever shown any interest in golf.
I love that he's trying to find the perfect gift
but he's running out of time
So I'm guessing I'll be getting ear muffs and a fudge log.
Which I'll love.
What'd you get him?
Hmm. This really cool leather bomber jacket.
Has he been hinting for it?
Not exactly, but his, his favorite movies
are "Top Gun" and "Memphis Belle"
and...every time we drive somewhere
he pretends I'm his co-pilot.
So it was a reasonable guess.
Roger that.
Now, have you given him any hints about what you want?
Or are you just gonna feign enthusiasm
when he gives you a Bedazzler?
No, I've left a couple of open catalogs
laying around on the night stand.
Well, you might want to leave those catalogs
in the refrigerator or next to the crapper.
Otherwise, you're gonna be losing valuable closet space
for a set of golf clubs.
Hey, I'm not gonna put a post-it on his forehead.
I think it's important for him to figure out
the kind of gift I might like.
And not just some stupid trip on the same cruise ship
that his wife and kids are on.
That's messed up, right?
- Uh, yeah. - Absolutely.
I mean I still went.
Ended up spending the whole time getting high in my cabin.
Boy, I sure do like weed.
God bless her. She's always been easy to shop for.
[instrumental music]
I don't understand. Why not just get her the deluxe Thighmaster?
Yeah, and how about if she gets you the ab roller?
Okay. Point taken.
And what was the problem with the Hickory farm's
cheese and salami bouquet?
You don't deserve a girlfriend.
- Cool! Bomber jacket! - Hey, get away from that.
- We're here for Molly. - Whoa, secret pocket.
I can put stuff in there.
It's gonna be cheaper after Christmas.
Now get over here and let's check out some lingerie.
Carl, nobody likes getting underwear for Christmas.
It's like a book or socks.
Or a $15 gift card.
But we're not talking about regular underwear
we're talking satin and lace to rub on your face.
But isn't lingerie more of a gift for me than for her?
Oh, like she was ever gonna see any of that cheese and salami.
Now check this out.
Nothing beats the basic black merry widow
that buttons at the crotch for easy access.
For going to the bathroom, right?
You really don't deserve a girlfriend.
Now, picture her in this..
...maybe add a pair of high-heeled, open-toed shoes
to wear with it. Mm, mm, mm!
See, now this image here, this will haunt me.
There you are.
I knew I'd find you sniffin' around the ladies' underwear.
Grandma, I'm still helpin' Mike look for a present for Molly.
Michael, you're not takin' gift advice
from Panty Claus, are you?
Last good gift he gave a woman was leavin'.
I know, nana, but I'm desperate.
It's real simple, sweetie.
Just get her something nice
that she wouldn't buy for herself.
How about a gift basket with ten different color nail polishes.
Turn those sweet little toes of hers into a rainbow.
Hush up, Buster Brown.
Just listen to her when she talks.
You'll be surprised how many little clues she'll give you.
Oh, my!
Look at these!
They look comfortable! And so soft too!
Did the knucklehead get the message?
I think so, nana.
Watch your backs and cover your cracks!
I'm at eye-level here!
So you gonna buy her the slippers?
Yeah. Looks like you're getting a wig tree.
[instrumental music]
So this one's for Victoria?
Yeah. Don't ask me what's in it.
And don't bring any police dogs into the house.
Gotcha. So that's it?
You finished all your shopping today?
Yep. Thank God. It's a madhouse out there.
At one point, I just got fed up
and ducked into this little coffee shop over on Halsted.
Oh, I know that one, it's right next to the pet store
with all the exotic birds in the window.
Maybe, I don't know, but I do know the coffee
at that place is terrific.
Because they use a French press, which I also think they sell.
Cool. Have you ever been in that pet store?
They got all these cockatoos. I think they're cockatoos.
They're the ones with the feather mohawk, right?
I'm not sure. I'm not really a bird expert.
I guess I could go look it up on my laptop.
Ah...wait.
I left it in my car because the strap on my bag broke.
Yeah, same thing happened to my gym bag.
Little duct tape, good as new.
I don't know. I've had it a long time.
It's pretty beat up.
Well, nothing lasts forever.
Although I've heard those exotic birds
can live up to 80 years.
Mike, please don't buy me a bird.
Well, then I don't know what the hell to get you!
You're a closed book, lady!
No, I'm not! I'm an open catalog laying on the nightstand.
I don't know what that means.
I'm lost! I was in the mall for six hours today!
The only thing I bought was a diet sprite
a fat-free lemon bar and a really cool
bomber jacket for myself.
Bomber-bomber jacket?
[instrumental music]
It's Christmas eve and here I am wandering around
with all the other last-minute losers.
I'm not like you people.
Calm down. So what if you slipped up this year?
Oh, I slipped up?
Who's the one who let him walk outta here with a bomber jacket?
What was I gonna do?
I was helping grandma get her rascal down the escalator.
He wandered off and then came back eating a lemon bar
and wearing a bomber jacket.
It's like going to the mall with a 300 pound toddler.
I am so screwed, Carl.
We are exchanging gifts at his mom's house tonight.
Alright. We got a little bit of time before the stores close.
Let's not complicate the situation.
Mike is a simple man with simple tastes.
Okay, what about a nice cologne?
No, smells are lost on him.
He gets into the squad car with dog crap on his shoes
Doesn't even phase him.
One time he thought we were passing a bakery.
Alright, what about cuff links?
Uh. Sure! How about a kimono and ballet shoes?
Hey, I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
I could do without the sarcasm.
[gasps] Ooh! Cashmere scarves.
Ah, yes, what you get the man with no neck.
Come on, you work with him all day long!
He must have told you something that he really wants.
Ah, well, let's see. A girlfriend, got one.
Bomber jacket, check.
One of those helmets that holds two cans of beer
and has a drinking tube..
Well, I'm not getting him that.
Good, 'cause I already did.
Perfect. The man's got everything.
Well, you know, he likes video games.
Video games?
Move, move, move, move! Move the baby!
Come on! Toy store! Let's go! This is not a drill!
[instrumental music]
I hate Christmas.
What happened? Did your reindeer finally quit?
I've been in every store on Michigan Avenue
trying to find the perfect gift for Molly and I can't do it.
Well, in my village we have an old proverb.
"When in doubt, say it with cattle."
I can't give her a cow. She doesn't even want a bird.
I don't know, I keep looking for something that says
"You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me."
And so far, the closest thing I found
is an embroidered sweatshirt that says
"You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me."
I cannot believe the pressure you Americans
put on yourself at the holidays. And why?
You live in nice homes, have a car to drive.
And clearly enough food to eat.
You know, I let the reindeer comment slide
but now you're just poking the bear.
What I am trying to say is that this is a time
to be with family and to share joy with one another.
Not schlepping from store to store
trying to find some useless trinket
to express what is in your heart.
- Schlepping? - It's Christmas eve.
This place is like Jew central.
My point is..
...there is nothing in the world more precious than the love
that one human being gives to another.
That is the one gift in life you cannot put a price on.
You're right, my problem is
I've been putting a price on this.
Thank you, Samuel. You're a very wise man.
Ah, enough schmoozing already, boychick.
Get your tuchus out of here.
And go give your bubeleh a nice Christmas smooch.
[instrumental music]
Alright, get ready to embark on an exciting new dimension
in home entertainment.
Oh, Vince, this is too much.
Hey, it's Christmas.
Besides, I'm taking it out in trade.
I brought my mistletoe belt buckle.
You are a devil.
Wait until you see porn on this thing.
The clarity is unbelievable.
Provides a whole another level of filth.
[instrumental music]
God bless the Japanese.
Alright, see you guys later. Whoa! What the hell!
Turn that off!
- Where you going, hon? - Mike's mom's house.
We're exchanging gifts.
- I hope he likes the jacket. - He already does.
Hey, who wants a gingerbread man fresh out of the oven?
Ooh, yummy.
FYI, don't eat these if you're driving
or operating any heavy machinery.
However, if you're hitchhiking to a reggae concert
I recommend two.
[instrumental music]
Come on, Jim, we don't have all night.
Open Molly's gift.
- Why don't I open it for him? - He prefers to do it himself.
Jim, quit lollygagging, you're embarrassing me.
Mom, why don't I just get it started for him.
Oh, look, Jim, a rubber bone. Merry Christmas.
Oh, joy, and it squeaks, too.
That ought to drive me up a wall.
Well, I was gonna get him a sweater
but I wasn't sure of his size.
I'm glad you didn't.
I think dressing dogs up like people is weird.
And vice-versa.
You gonna open your present, Mikey?
Okay. Socks and underwear?
A Christmas tradition.
I figure your girlfriend can buy you bow ties and top hats.
- Bow ties and top hats? - Let it go.
I got you the kind that are loose in the crotch
to prevent chafing.
When he was a boy, I had to butter his thighs.
Merry Christmas, mom. It's a fry daddy.
Mike, don't spoil the surprise.
That's alright. I hate surprises.
Yours is mittens.
If you don't like 'em, the receipt's in the box.
I'm sure I'll love them.
I wonder what color they are?
Red.
Hold on, I believe I have a little something
in my secret pocket.
Here, open mine.
[chuckles] Okay.
Did you get me a pen and pencil set?
Holy crap!
- Are these real diamonds? - Yep.
And delicately clustered
in a beautiful setting of white gold.
Oh, my God, you can't afford this.
Not a problem, I put it on a credit card
and I can pay it off in 110 easy payments.
- That-that's, like, nine years. - Really?
Sales guy really didn't spell it out in years.
Mike, I can't accept this.
Why not? It's our first Christmas.
And I wanted to get you something special.
Absolutely not. This is way too expensive.
I don't care. I want you to have it.
- But I don't want it. - Yes, you do.
- No, I don't. - Hey, I love you.
And you can't put a price on love.
Hold on a second.
You love me?
Yeah. Is that okay?
- I love you, too. - Really?
More than anything, but you're still not
giving me a diamond bracelet.
Because I don't want to spend the rest of our lives
paying off my first Christmas present.
If you're really uncomfortable
I'll trade you for the fry daddy.
Hang on, ma.
So you think we're gonna be together
for the rest of our lives?
- Just.. A figure of speech. - No, it's not.
I heard you say it.
This was really sweet of you.
But...you saying, "I love you"
is the only Christmas present I really want.
- Really? - Really.
Well, isn't this a magical Christmas.
You get an expensive piece of jewelry
and I get a deep-fat fryer.
God bless us, every one.
[instrumental music]
[fighter plane droning]
Sayonara, Tojo.
I'm so glad you like your Xbox.
Oh, it's the best gift ever.
You sure you don't want to rethink the bracelet?
No. The day after Christmas, we're taking it back.
But until then, I'm not taking it off.
It's probably for the best.
At least I'll make rent this month.
Hey, who scarfed down all my gingerbread men?
Not me.
[thud]
Sweet dreams, Maverick.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]