1 00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:03,003 [instrumental music] 2 00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:06,267 Here you are, gentlemen. 3 00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:09,052 A hot breakfast for two of Chicago's finest. 4 00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:10,097 In the spirit of Christmas 5 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:11,402 I've provided you each 6 00:00:11,489 --> 00:00:13,230 with a complimentary sausage link. 7 00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:15,406 If you need anything else, merely wave your hand 8 00:00:15,493 --> 00:00:17,365 and I will appear like a magic genie. 9 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:22,413 Boy, he becomes a total kiss-ass at gift time, doesn't he? 10 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,067 Mm-hmm. 11 00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,156 Yeah, the day before his birthday, he gave me free bacon. 12 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:29,725 Finish all your Christmas shopping yet? 13 00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:32,728 Almost. I just bought grandma a five-branch wig tree. 14 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,295 Yeah, she puts all her different coifs on that. 15 00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:36,340 It's gonna look like a Jackson family reunion. 16 00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:39,735 All that's left to do is swing by the car wash 17 00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,476 and pick up a few stocking stuffers. 18 00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:42,868 Oh, so I guess I'm getting another 19 00:00:42,955 --> 00:00:45,436 naked lady car freshener. 20 00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:47,090 No, I'm not buying any more of those. 21 00:00:47,177 --> 00:00:49,049 Thing didn't smell anything like a naked lady. 22 00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:52,965 But don't worry, I got you something you're gonna like. 23 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,967 That's what you said about the singing rubber fish. 24 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,752 That was a great gift. Why'd you take it out of the bathroom? 25 00:00:56,839 --> 00:00:58,319 It was motion-activated. 26 00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,537 Every time I stood up to wipe 27 00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:01,322 I heard "Don't worry, be happy." 28 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,240 That's good advice in any room of the house. 29 00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:07,545 So what'd you end up getting for Molly? 30 00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:09,417 I'm still circling a couple things. 31 00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:11,897 You know, trying to narrow it down, find the perfect gift. 32 00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:14,770 - You got nothing, do you? - Not a damn thing. 33 00:01:14,857 --> 00:01:17,033 And I have absolutely no idea what the woman likes. 34 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,122 Well, apparently, she likes big dumb guys. 35 00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:22,517 Well, it would be stupid to get her 36 00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:24,475 another one of those, wouldn't it? 37 00:01:25,868 --> 00:01:27,609 Hey, how about a gift card? 38 00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:29,915 You know what a gift card says? "Here, you do it." 39 00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:33,832 Which is barely forgivable for your best friend 40 00:01:33,919 --> 00:01:35,965 let alone the woman that you're sharing a bed with. 41 00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:37,619 Does that mean you didn't like the Macy's gift card 42 00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:38,750 I gave you last year? 43 00:01:38,837 --> 00:01:40,535 It was for $15. I got a key chain. 44 00:01:42,058 --> 00:01:44,104 After I added $30 of my own money. 45 00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:48,369 Okay, so no gift cards. This is how I learn. 46 00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:52,590 I might be able to scrape together enough 47 00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:54,288 to buy Molly a nice piece of jewelry. 48 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,072 Oh, no, no, that sets the bar too high. 49 00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,595 You get her jewelry on your first Christmas 50 00:01:57,682 --> 00:01:59,641 there's no going back to smoked salmon or bath beads. 51 00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:02,513 Yeah, but if I start too small 52 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:03,993 it's gonna look like I don't care. 53 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,342 Get her a nice pair of shoes. 54 00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:06,865 - Really? - Yeah, women love shoes. 55 00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,824 That's true, they do. 56 00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,695 Plus, molly's got those beautiful feet. 57 00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,741 Got some nice high arches, and sweet little toes 58 00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:14,177 that always look impeccable. 59 00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,791 What are you doing looking at my girlfriend's feet? 60 00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:21,793 Hey, I appreciate nice-looking feet on a woman. 61 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,013 And hers are outstanding. 62 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,667 She could be a flip-flop model. 63 00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:30,802 Know what? I'm taking your complimentary sausage link. 64 00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,239 And I think you know why. 65 00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:35,807 Fine. If you don't want my help, good luck. 66 00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,069 I don't even know her shoe size. 67 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,897 Six and a half. 68 00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:42,553 Would you like to spice up your coffee 69 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,468 with a fresh cinnamon stick? 70 00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:46,383 - Thank you, Samuel. - Very nice of you. 71 00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,472 I wish I could do more, but as you know 72 00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:51,127 I am a humble man of meager means. 73 00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:56,872 - Here you go. - Merry Christmas. 74 00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:59,483 Oh, what an unexpected surprise. 75 00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:03,574 Thank you so much. 76 00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,359 Hey, Samuel, we're out of cream over here. 77 00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:08,927 Well, we all have our little problems, don't we, big guy? 78 00:03:09,014 --> 00:03:14,455 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 79 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:17,414 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 80 00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:28,643 [instrumental music] 81 00:03:31,515 --> 00:03:33,865 Oh, my God, it's like the shoe warehouse in here. 82 00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,740 Six and a half. Son of a bitch was right. 83 00:03:40,785 --> 00:03:42,265 [Molly] 'Mike, you up here?' 84 00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:48,619 What are you doing? 85 00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:51,753 Oh, I must've dozed off. 86 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,711 - Are you feeling okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 87 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,583 I was just resting my eyes. 88 00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:58,368 Tough day on the mean streets of Chicago. 89 00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,152 You wanna to come downstairs? We're trimming the tree. 90 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,154 Great. I'll be down in a minute. I can string the popcorn. 91 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,766 Assuming you have an ultrasonic popcorn popper 92 00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,681 with an automatic butter dispenser. 93 00:04:08,552 --> 00:04:10,467 As a matter of fact, we do. 94 00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:12,077 Good. Good. 95 00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:15,037 Hey, you know what would be fun? 96 00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:16,691 To put on some Christmas music down there. 97 00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:19,084 - Do you have an iPod? - Yes, I do. 98 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:20,825 Why don't I go get it? 99 00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:25,047 Smooth. Real smooth. 100 00:04:25,134 --> 00:04:26,483 [goofy voice] "Do you have an ultrasonic popcorn popper 101 00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:28,485 with an automatic butter dispenser?" 102 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,972 Well, it's official, I'm dating clueless Joe Jackson. 103 00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:41,411 Yeah, he clearly hasn't had a lot of girlfriends. 104 00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:44,109 Yesterday, he asked me if you needed jumper cables 105 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:46,416 or if you'd ever shown any interest in golf. 106 00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:51,029 I love that he's trying to find the perfect gift 107 00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:52,770 but he's running out of time 108 00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:55,207 So I'm guessing I'll be getting ear muffs and a fudge log. 109 00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,735 Which I'll love. 110 00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:03,215 What'd you get him? 111 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,870 Hmm. This really cool leather bomber jacket. 112 00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:07,742 Has he been hinting for it? 113 00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:10,092 Not exactly, but his, his favorite movies 114 00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:11,789 are "Top Gun" and "Memphis Belle" 115 00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,965 and...every time we drive somewhere 116 00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,924 he pretends I'm his co-pilot. 117 00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:18,579 So it was a reasonable guess. 118 00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:19,797 Roger that. 119 00:05:21,712 --> 00:05:24,715 Now, have you given him any hints about what you want? 120 00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,587 Or are you just gonna feign enthusiasm 121 00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,240 when he gives you a Bedazzler? 122 00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:33,245 No, I've left a couple of open catalogs 123 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,725 laying around on the night stand. 124 00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,814 Well, you might want to leave those catalogs 125 00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,903 in the refrigerator or next to the crapper. 126 00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:43,604 Otherwise, you're gonna be losing valuable closet space 127 00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,867 for a set of golf clubs. 128 00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:48,435 Hey, I'm not gonna put a post-it on his forehead. 129 00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:50,219 I think it's important for him to figure out 130 00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:52,177 the kind of gift I might like. 131 00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:55,093 And not just some stupid trip on the same cruise ship 132 00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:57,052 that his wife and kids are on. 133 00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:01,317 That's messed up, right? 134 00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,278 - Uh, yeah. - Absolutely. 135 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,889 I mean I still went. 136 00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:12,633 Ended up spending the whole time getting high in my cabin. 137 00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:17,812 Boy, I sure do like weed. 138 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:26,690 God bless her. She's always been easy to shop for. 139 00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,649 [instrumental music] 140 00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:34,045 I don't understand. Why not just get her the deluxe Thighmaster? 141 00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:36,265 Yeah, and how about if she gets you the ab roller? 142 00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:38,702 Okay. Point taken. 143 00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,574 And what was the problem with the Hickory farm's 144 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,314 cheese and salami bouquet? 145 00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,535 You don't deserve a girlfriend. 146 00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:49,844 - Cool! Bomber jacket! - Hey, get away from that. 147 00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:52,281 - We're here for Molly. - Whoa, secret pocket. 148 00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:55,023 I can put stuff in there. 149 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:56,807 It's gonna be cheaper after Christmas. 150 00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,722 Now get over here and let's check out some lingerie. 151 00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:00,768 Carl, nobody likes getting underwear for Christmas. 152 00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:02,291 It's like a book or socks. 153 00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,988 Or a $15 gift card. 154 00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,253 But we're not talking about regular underwear 155 00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:12,257 we're talking satin and lace to rub on your face. 156 00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:15,391 But isn't lingerie more of a gift for me than for her? 157 00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:18,002 Oh, like she was ever gonna see any of that cheese and salami. 158 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,050 Now check this out. 159 00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,052 Nothing beats the basic black merry widow 160 00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:26,446 that buttons at the crotch for easy access. 161 00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:29,884 For going to the bathroom, right? 162 00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:32,147 You really don't deserve a girlfriend. 163 00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:35,890 Now, picture her in this.. 164 00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,329 ...maybe add a pair of high-heeled, open-toed shoes 165 00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:42,549 to wear with it. Mm, mm, mm! 166 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,771 See, now this image here, this will haunt me. 167 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,428 There you are. 168 00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:55,692 I knew I'd find you sniffin' around the ladies' underwear. 169 00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:01,219 Grandma, I'm still helpin' Mike look for a present for Molly. 170 00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:03,004 Michael, you're not takin' gift advice 171 00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:05,223 from Panty Claus, are you? 172 00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:09,532 Last good gift he gave a woman was leavin'. 173 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,710 I know, nana, but I'm desperate. 174 00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:15,103 It's real simple, sweetie. 175 00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:16,626 Just get her something nice 176 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,585 that she wouldn't buy for herself. 177 00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:21,675 How about a gift basket with ten different color nail polishes. 178 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,025 Turn those sweet little toes of hers into a rainbow. 179 00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:29,030 Hush up, Buster Brown. 180 00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:32,860 Just listen to her when she talks. 181 00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,950 You'll be surprised how many little clues she'll give you. 182 00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:37,734 Oh, my! 183 00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:40,781 Look at these! 184 00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:44,393 They look comfortable! And so soft too! 185 00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:47,875 Did the knucklehead get the message? 186 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,314 I think so, nana. 187 00:08:52,401 --> 00:08:54,359 Watch your backs and cover your cracks! 188 00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,187 I'm at eye-level here! 189 00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:02,716 So you gonna buy her the slippers? 190 00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:06,458 Yeah. Looks like you're getting a wig tree. 191 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,939 [instrumental music] 192 00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:10,593 So this one's for Victoria? 193 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,856 Yeah. Don't ask me what's in it. 194 00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:15,685 And don't bring any police dogs into the house. 195 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:19,515 Gotcha. So that's it? 196 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:20,864 You finished all your shopping today? 197 00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,650 Yep. Thank God. It's a madhouse out there. 198 00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:25,260 At one point, I just got fed up 199 00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:29,046 and ducked into this little coffee shop over on Halsted. 200 00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,092 Oh, I know that one, it's right next to the pet store 201 00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:33,442 with all the exotic birds in the window. 202 00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:36,140 Maybe, I don't know, but I do know the coffee 203 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,881 at that place is terrific. 204 00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:41,798 Because they use a French press, which I also think they sell. 205 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,673 Cool. Have you ever been in that pet store? 206 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,373 They got all these cockatoos. I think they're cockatoos. 207 00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:53,636 They're the ones with the feather mohawk, right? 208 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,291 I'm not sure. I'm not really a bird expert. 209 00:09:57,771 --> 00:09:59,381 I guess I could go look it up on my laptop. 210 00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:02,253 Ah...wait. 211 00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:06,301 I left it in my car because the strap on my bag broke. 212 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:07,998 Yeah, same thing happened to my gym bag. 213 00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:10,174 Little duct tape, good as new. 214 00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,397 I don't know. I've had it a long time. 215 00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,312 It's pretty beat up. 216 00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:20,445 Well, nothing lasts forever. 217 00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,404 Although I've heard those exotic birds 218 00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,145 can live up to 80 years. 219 00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:26,103 Mike, please don't buy me a bird. 220 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:28,062 Well, then I don't know what the hell to get you! 221 00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:29,933 You're a closed book, lady! 222 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:33,676 No, I'm not! I'm an open catalog laying on the nightstand. 223 00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:38,986 I don't know what that means. 224 00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:43,207 I'm lost! I was in the mall for six hours today! 225 00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:44,731 The only thing I bought was a diet sprite 226 00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:46,646 a fat-free lemon bar and a really cool 227 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,473 bomber jacket for myself. 228 00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:52,129 Bomber-bomber jacket? 229 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:54,697 [instrumental music] 230 00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:59,615 [instrumental music] 231 00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,663 It's Christmas eve and here I am wandering around 232 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,142 with all the other last-minute losers. 233 00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:06,927 I'm not like you people. 234 00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:10,539 Calm down. So what if you slipped up this year? 235 00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,280 Oh, I slipped up? 236 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,282 Who's the one who let him walk outta here with a bomber jacket? 237 00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:16,110 What was I gonna do? 238 00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:18,590 I was helping grandma get her rascal down the escalator. 239 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,592 He wandered off and then came back eating a lemon bar 240 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,725 and wearing a bomber jacket. 241 00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,988 It's like going to the mall with a 300 pound toddler. 242 00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,775 I am so screwed, Carl. 243 00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:31,125 We are exchanging gifts at his mom's house tonight. 244 00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,431 Alright. We got a little bit of time before the stores close. 245 00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:35,129 Let's not complicate the situation. 246 00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:38,175 Mike is a simple man with simple tastes. 247 00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:39,960 Okay, what about a nice cologne? 248 00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,613 No, smells are lost on him. 249 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,703 He gets into the squad car with dog crap on his shoes 250 00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:46,140 Doesn't even phase him. 251 00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:49,360 One time he thought we were passing a bakery. 252 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,145 Alright, what about cuff links? 253 00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:53,625 Uh. Sure! How about a kimono and ballet shoes? 254 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,627 Hey, I'm under a lot of pressure right now. 255 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,933 I could do without the sarcasm. 256 00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:58,892 [gasps] Ooh! Cashmere scarves. 257 00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:02,591 Ah, yes, what you get the man with no neck. 258 00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,724 Come on, you work with him all day long! 259 00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,943 He must have told you something that he really wants. 260 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,032 Ah, well, let's see. A girlfriend, got one. 261 00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,468 Bomber jacket, check. 262 00:12:10,555 --> 00:12:11,861 One of those helmets that holds two cans of beer 263 00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:12,906 and has a drinking tube.. 264 00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,472 Well, I'm not getting him that. 265 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,039 Good, 'cause I already did. 266 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,216 Perfect. The man's got everything. 267 00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:21,610 Well, you know, he likes video games. 268 00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:24,221 Video games? 269 00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:26,006 Move, move, move, move! Move the baby! 270 00:12:26,093 --> 00:12:27,747 Move the baby! 271 00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:34,405 Come on! Toy store! Let's go! This is not a drill! 272 00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:38,627 [instrumental music] 273 00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:44,198 I hate Christmas. 274 00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:48,419 What happened? Did your reindeer finally quit? 275 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,033 I've been in every store on Michigan Avenue 276 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,253 trying to find the perfect gift for Molly and I can't do it. 277 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,516 Well, in my village we have an old proverb. 278 00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:01,041 "When in doubt, say it with cattle." 279 00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:06,916 I can't give her a cow. She doesn't even want a bird. 280 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,744 I don't know, I keep looking for something that says 281 00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:10,311 "You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me." 282 00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:11,747 And so far, the closest thing I found 283 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,227 is an embroidered sweatshirt that says 284 00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:16,447 "You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me." 285 00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:18,667 I cannot believe the pressure you Americans 286 00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:21,583 put on yourself at the holidays. And why? 287 00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,803 You live in nice homes, have a car to drive. 288 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,848 And clearly enough food to eat. 289 00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,028 You know, I let the reindeer comment slide 290 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,639 but now you're just poking the bear. 291 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:37,294 What I am trying to say is that this is a time 292 00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:40,254 to be with family and to share joy with one another. 293 00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:42,082 Not schlepping from store to store 294 00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,735 trying to find some useless trinket 295 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,912 to express what is in your heart. 296 00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:48,044 - Schlepping? - It's Christmas eve. 297 00:13:48,131 --> 00:13:50,177 This place is like Jew central. 298 00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:55,443 My point is.. 299 00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:58,489 ...there is nothing in the world more precious than the love 300 00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:01,144 that one human being gives to another. 301 00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:04,408 That is the one gift in life you cannot put a price on. 302 00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,107 You're right, my problem is 303 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,413 I've been putting a price on this. 304 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,720 Thank you, Samuel. You're a very wise man. 305 00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:14,636 Ah, enough schmoozing already, boychick. 306 00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:16,072 Get your tuchus out of here. 307 00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:18,640 And go give your bubeleh a nice Christmas smooch. 308 00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,686 [instrumental music] 309 00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:24,646 Alright, get ready to embark on an exciting new dimension 310 00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:25,952 in home entertainment. 311 00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:27,997 Oh, Vince, this is too much. 312 00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,520 Hey, it's Christmas. 313 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,001 Besides, I'm taking it out in trade. 314 00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:34,569 I brought my mistletoe belt buckle. 315 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,399 You are a devil. 316 00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,401 Wait until you see porn on this thing. 317 00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:42,577 The clarity is unbelievable. 318 00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:45,188 Provides a whole another level of filth. 319 00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:50,585 [instrumental music] 320 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:59,420 God bless the Japanese. 321 00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:02,902 Alright, see you guys later. Whoa! What the hell! 322 00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:05,382 Turn that off! 323 00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:07,602 - Where you going, hon? - Mike's mom's house. 324 00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:09,256 We're exchanging gifts. 325 00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:11,693 - I hope he likes the jacket. - He already does. 326 00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:17,481 Hey, who wants a gingerbread man fresh out of the oven? 327 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,222 Ooh, yummy. 328 00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:21,485 FYI, don't eat these if you're driving 329 00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:24,271 or operating any heavy machinery. 330 00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:30,190 However, if you're hitchhiking to a reggae concert 331 00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:32,235 I recommend two. 332 00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:38,415 [instrumental music] 333 00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,727 Come on, Jim, we don't have all night. 334 00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:50,079 Open Molly's gift. 335 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:53,213 - Why don't I open it for him? - He prefers to do it himself. 336 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,565 Jim, quit lollygagging, you're embarrassing me. 337 00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:03,397 Mom, why don't I just get it started for him. 338 00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:06,313 Oh, look, Jim, a rubber bone. Merry Christmas. 339 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,534 Oh, joy, and it squeaks, too. 340 00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,493 That ought to drive me up a wall. 341 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,584 Well, I was gonna get him a sweater 342 00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:17,759 but I wasn't sure of his size. 343 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,195 I'm glad you didn't. 344 00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:21,284 I think dressing dogs up like people is weird. 345 00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:22,851 And vice-versa. 346 00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:24,592 You gonna open your present, Mikey? 347 00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:28,204 Okay. Socks and underwear? 348 00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:29,989 A Christmas tradition. 349 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,907 I figure your girlfriend can buy you bow ties and top hats. 350 00:16:37,257 --> 00:16:41,000 - Bow ties and top hats? - Let it go. 351 00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:42,827 I got you the kind that are loose in the crotch 352 00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:44,655 to prevent chafing. 353 00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:49,138 When he was a boy, I had to butter his thighs. 354 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:55,579 Merry Christmas, mom. It's a fry daddy. 355 00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,668 Mike, don't spoil the surprise. 356 00:16:57,755 --> 00:16:59,627 That's alright. I hate surprises. 357 00:16:59,714 --> 00:17:01,150 Yours is mittens. 358 00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:06,286 If you don't like 'em, the receipt's in the box. 359 00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:07,852 I'm sure I'll love them. 360 00:17:07,939 --> 00:17:08,940 I wonder what color they are? 361 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,420 Red. 362 00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,643 Hold on, I believe I have a little something 363 00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:18,472 in my secret pocket. 364 00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:19,821 Here, open mine. 365 00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,867 [chuckles] Okay. 366 00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:25,305 Did you get me a pen and pencil set? 367 00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:29,874 Holy crap! 368 00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,354 - Are these real diamonds? - Yep. 369 00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:32,747 And delicately clustered 370 00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,924 in a beautiful setting of white gold. 371 00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,621 Oh, my God, you can't afford this. 372 00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:39,319 Not a problem, I put it on a credit card 373 00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:43,105 and I can pay it off in 110 easy payments. 374 00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:46,456 - That-that's, like, nine years. - Really? 375 00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,980 Sales guy really didn't spell it out in years. 376 00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,332 Mike, I can't accept this. 377 00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:53,811 Why not? It's our first Christmas. 378 00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:55,161 And I wanted to get you something special. 379 00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:57,946 Absolutely not. This is way too expensive. 380 00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,426 I don't care. I want you to have it. 381 00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:00,862 - But I don't want it. - Yes, you do. 382 00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:01,993 - No, I don't. - Hey, I love you. 383 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,647 And you can't put a price on love. 384 00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:06,911 Hold on a second. 385 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,393 You love me? 386 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,441 Yeah. Is that okay? 387 00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,707 - I love you, too. - Really? 388 00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:21,752 More than anything, but you're still not 389 00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:24,015 giving me a diamond bracelet. 390 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,322 Because I don't want to spend the rest of our lives 391 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,411 paying off my first Christmas present. 392 00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:32,589 If you're really uncomfortable 393 00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:34,548 I'll trade you for the fry daddy. 394 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,161 Hang on, ma. 395 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,597 So you think we're gonna be together 396 00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:43,252 for the rest of our lives? 397 00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:44,949 - Just.. A figure of speech. - No, it's not. 398 00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,342 I heard you say it. 399 00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,432 This was really sweet of you. 400 00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:52,870 But...you saying, "I love you" 401 00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:55,830 is the only Christmas present I really want. 402 00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,832 - Really? - Really. 403 00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:02,271 Well, isn't this a magical Christmas. 404 00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,623 You get an expensive piece of jewelry 405 00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:08,843 and I get a deep-fat fryer. 406 00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:12,542 God bless us, every one. 407 00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:14,631 [instrumental music] 408 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:20,376 [fighter plane droning] 409 00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,775 Sayonara, Tojo. 410 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,821 I'm so glad you like your Xbox. 411 00:19:30,908 --> 00:19:32,258 Oh, it's the best gift ever. 412 00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,216 You sure you don't want to rethink the bracelet? 413 00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:36,914 No. The day after Christmas, we're taking it back. 414 00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:39,265 But until then, I'm not taking it off. 415 00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:42,311 It's probably for the best. 416 00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,139 At least I'll make rent this month. 417 00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:49,623 Hey, who scarfed down all my gingerbread men? 418 00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:50,667 Not me. 419 00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:52,234 [thud] 420 00:19:57,370 --> 00:20:00,068 Sweet dreams, Maverick. 421 00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:02,070 [instrumental music] 422 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:09,947 [theme music]