1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,443 Yeah, I'll have the blueberry pancakes 2 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,314 a couple of scrambled eggs and a side of sausage. 3 00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:12,142 Good choice. And for the lady? 4 00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:17,234 No food, just a cup of hot tea with lemon. 5 00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:19,715 Oh, are we slimming down for the swimsuit competition? 6 00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:23,153 You realize I carry a gun, right? 7 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,895 I am from Africa. The dogs have guns. 8 00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:29,725 [coughing] 9 00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:31,031 You're not getting a cold, are you? 10 00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:32,815 No, I'm fine. Just no appetite. 11 00:00:32,902 --> 00:00:34,208 No, you're getting sick. 12 00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:35,296 And that's the reason right there. 13 00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:36,558 What are you talking about? 14 00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:37,689 You're always putting your dirty 15 00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:39,256 germ-covered fingers in your mouth. 16 00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,997 Counting your teeth, playing with your tongue. 17 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,783 Hey, I wash my hands at least three times a day. 18 00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:46,350 Well, that's very upsetting because you pee 19 00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:49,484 at least five times a day. 20 00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:52,008 That's because I drink the proper amount of fluids 21 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,576 for a man my size, pardon me for hydrating. 22 00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:57,057 Come on, you're sweating like a hooker in a church. 23 00:00:58,536 --> 00:01:01,409 A fully hydrated, 300-pound hooker. 24 00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:03,541 This isn't sweat, it's condensation. 25 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,456 It's cold outside, it's warm inside 26 00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:09,025 which causes me to become a little dewy. 27 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,287 Why are you being a martyr? 28 00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:11,375 It's not like there's gonna be 29 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:13,247 some kind of crime wave today. 30 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:15,162 And it's not like we can do anything about it if there was. 31 00:01:16,641 --> 00:01:18,643 For the last time, I am not sick. 32 00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:19,775 [sneezes] 33 00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,083 Now where you gonna put that? 34 00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,912 I mean, it ain't just gonna go away. 35 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,218 There's nothing to put away. 36 00:01:30,046 --> 00:01:31,613 Did you just wipe that sneeze on your pant leg? 37 00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:37,227 - No. - Yes, you did. 38 00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:40,404 Now go to the bathroom and wipe the snot off your hands. 39 00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:43,320 Fine. You know, you're a real nag sometimes. 40 00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:46,106 Well, it's about time for pee number three anyway. 41 00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:48,499 Quit counting my pees. 42 00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:50,327 If only I could. 43 00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:52,634 And don't even get me started about his belly button. 44 00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:54,549 He digs into that thing like there's money at the bottom. 45 00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:57,813 ♪ For the first time ♪ 46 00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,120 ♪ In my life ♪ 47 00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:03,906 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 48 00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,355 How were things at the mortuary today, pumpkin? 49 00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:19,704 Pretty quiet. 50 00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,619 Holiday suicide season is over. 51 00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:24,448 So we're back to just old people and slow pedestrians. 52 00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,322 Well, don't despair. 53 00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:31,760 Valentine's Day is right around the corner. 54 00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:34,241 Yeah. Jilted-lover season. 55 00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:36,373 Always good for a couple of bridge jumpers. 56 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,854 Or someone taking a lonely bath with a blow dryer. 57 00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,728 It's almost impossible to get their hair to stay down. 58 00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,472 - Hello. - Wow! 59 00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:50,605 - Va-va-voom. - Fancy. 60 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:53,825 - Thank you. - You look beautiful. 61 00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:55,479 I better, this dress is the reason 62 00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,699 my car won't have snow tires on it this year. 63 00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,442 Well, fashion first, safety second. 64 00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,749 So what's the occasion, Mol? 65 00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:07,056 My boyfriend is taking me to see "La Boheme"tonight. 66 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,319 Oh, so you finally suckered him 67 00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,669 into taking you to the opera, huh? 68 00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:13,410 Does he know that Elmer Fudd's not in it? 69 00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,198 He's actually being really sweet about it. 70 00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:19,677 Although I'm sure that the opera is 71 00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,940 the last place in the world he wants to go. 72 00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:25,596 Which means you're finally dating a straight man. 73 00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:27,685 [sighs] About time, right? 74 00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,121 Hey, you kiss enough fairies 75 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,602 one of them is bound to turn into a frog. 76 00:03:31,689 --> 00:03:32,908 Amen. 77 00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:37,521 [retching] 78 00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,874 Okay, I'm fine. 79 00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:45,399 I'll be fine. Mike Biggs does not get sick. 80 00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:48,402 [doorbell rings] 81 00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:49,490 [blows on hand] 82 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:50,534 Oh! 83 00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:56,975 Oh, brain freeze. Brain freeze. 84 00:03:57,062 --> 00:03:58,238 Son of a bitch! 85 00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:03,373 - Hello. - Hey! 86 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:07,159 - Wow, you look gorgeous. - Oh, thank you. 87 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,944 You're not so bad yourself there, mister. 88 00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:11,381 Yeah, two-for-one sale at the suit store. 89 00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,122 Saving the other one for St. Patty's day. 90 00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:15,080 You know why? 91 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,734 - Because it's green? - Bingo. 92 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,610 [instrumental music] 93 00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,314 Oh-hoo. 94 00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:32,794 So how long is this thing? 95 00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:36,319 - About three hours. - Three hours? Wow. 96 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:39,191 They really give you your money's worth. 97 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,846 Hey, is that men's room downstairs the closest bathroom? 98 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,108 I think so. Why? 99 00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:44,762 I just like to get the lay of the land. 100 00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:46,286 I like to be aware of my surroundings. 101 00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:48,070 It's my cop instincts. 102 00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,985 I need to know where to run, I need to know where to hide 103 00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,813 and I need to know where to pee. 104 00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,468 So what's this opera about? 105 00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:56,296 It's about a poet named Rodolfo. 106 00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:59,081 And he falls in love with a seamstress named Mimi. 107 00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:01,953 Okay, I'm a fan already. 108 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,868 Now, Mimi is kind of a flirt but Rodolfo 109 00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:06,567 can't break up with her because she's mortally ill. 110 00:05:06,654 --> 00:05:09,221 I see. And it takes three hours for her to croak, huh? 111 00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:13,487 No chance she can drop early, like, at a boxing match? 112 00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,795 Look, I realize this is not your thing 113 00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:20,189 but I'm sure that if you give it a half a chance you'll enjoy it. 114 00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:22,017 Hey, I trust you, I've come to appreciate 115 00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,671 a lot of things you've introduced me to. 116 00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:26,587 White wine, documentaries, clean sheets. 117 00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,371 Well, I think you'll like this. 118 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:31,200 And you don't have to understand Italian to follow the story. 119 00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:33,855 Oh, it's in a foreign language. 120 00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:35,204 That's a nice bonus. 121 00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:39,774 Three hours from...now. 122 00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:45,345 [opera music] 123 00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:51,351 [singing in Italian] 124 00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:01,752 God, where's John Wilkes Booth when you need him? 125 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:12,415 Are you enjoying it? 126 00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:13,634 Oh, it's magical. 127 00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:16,245 [stomach grumbling] 128 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,686 Sorry. Just two corn dogs fighting for kennel space. 129 00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,346 [singing in Italian] 130 00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:49,583 [music continues] 131 00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:16,827 Bravo! Bravissimo! 132 00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,612 I know, and we're just at intermission. 133 00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,918 - What? There's more? - Yeah. 134 00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,660 Oh, my God, you're drenched in sweat. 135 00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:27,055 Oh, what'd you expect? I'm a fat guy in a wool suit. 136 00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:28,186 You have a fever. 137 00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:31,363 You bet I do. Opera fever. Whoo! 138 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,062 No, sir, you're sick. We need to get you in bed. 139 00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:37,457 Okay, but I still get credit for the full three hours, right? 140 00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:44,115 [coughing] 141 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,904 Are you sure you're okay to drive? 142 00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:53,124 I'm fine, although I am a little miffed that you dragged me out 143 00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,736 of the opera before I could see how it ended. 144 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:57,389 Guess I'll just have to buy the book. 145 00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:02,046 Look, I appreciate that you're strong like bull 146 00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:04,135 but I think you should spend the night at my place 147 00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:05,310 so I can take care of you. 148 00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:06,964 There's nothing to take care of. 149 00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:09,053 I just need to go home, get a good night's sleep 150 00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,490 and I'll be fit as a fiddle. 151 00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:12,013 [sneezing] 152 00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:19,368 Here's a million-dollar idea 153 00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:21,239 windshield wipers on the inside. 154 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,200 Oh! 155 00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:27,158 [instrumental music] 156 00:08:31,902 --> 00:08:33,774 Okay, just help me zip up my fly 157 00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,819 and tuck in my shirt and we're good to go. 158 00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:40,520 Yeah, I don't see that working out for you. 159 00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,566 You're staying home today. 160 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,829 No. Mike Biggs does not miss work. 161 00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,570 And Carl McMillan doesn't ride around in a car 162 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,790 with a man holding a throw up bucket. 163 00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:52,140 Allow me this one eccentricity. 164 00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:54,882 It'll be fine. Just drive slow, avoid the speed bumps. 165 00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:56,884 And if we have to chase down any perps on foot 166 00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:59,016 you may have to go it alone. 167 00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:00,844 So I won't be able to count on your normal lightning speed 168 00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:03,368 and cat-like reflexes? 169 00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:04,848 Look, I'm gonna to get a hold of Molly 170 00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:06,763 and have her come over here and take care of you. 171 00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:09,157 No, I don't want her to see me all sweaty and out of breath. 172 00:09:09,244 --> 00:09:10,941 She'll never wanna have sex with me again. 173 00:09:11,028 --> 00:09:12,856 Well, if she hasn't seen you sweaty and out of breath 174 00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:14,728 I'm pretty sure you haven't had sex in the first place. 175 00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:18,775 Please don't call her. I'm begging you. 176 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,298 Somebody's gotta come over here and take care of you. 177 00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:21,909 Hey, I am a grown man. 178 00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:24,389 I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. 179 00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:26,783 - It's your mother. - Mom, I don't feel so good. 180 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,535 I can't believe you don't own a hot water bottle. 181 00:09:39,622 --> 00:09:41,537 You young people think you can cure everything 182 00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,104 with a pill or a shot of dope. 183 00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,409 Drink that. 184 00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:49,327 - Oh! That burns. - 'Of course it burns.' 185 00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:51,068 It's whiskey and cayenne pepper. 186 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,332 You don't wanna coddle flu germs. 187 00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:58,075 You wanna torch their village and behead their elders. 188 00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:00,861 Here, use Jim as your hot water bottle for now. 189 00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:03,820 But whatever you do 190 00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:06,214 don't roll over on the little fella. 191 00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:07,607 I rescued him from the pound 192 00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:09,609 but I ain't digging him out of your fanny. 193 00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:13,308 - What is that stuff? - Mentholatum. 194 00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:17,138 It'll help bring the lung oysters to the surface. 195 00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:19,227 So where's your little lady friend at? 196 00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:20,358 She's probably at work. 197 00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:22,143 Oh, that's convenient. 198 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,406 Drags you out honky-tonking all night 199 00:10:24,493 --> 00:10:26,495 gets you sick as a dog 200 00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:28,149 then leaves me with the thankless 201 00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:32,414 task of slathering up your big stinky feet. 202 00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,024 I didn't ask you to do this. 203 00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:36,200 You also didn't ask me to give birth to you. 204 00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,593 But that's what a mother does. 205 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,640 Split me open like a walnut. 206 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:45,166 Yeah, you've mentioned it a couple times over the years. 207 00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:46,733 Just quoting the doctor. 208 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,299 Said he never saw anything like it. 209 00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:50,824 You had chest hair and a front tooth. 210 00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:55,480 I've seen the pictures. 211 00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:56,917 It was like nursing a beaver. 212 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:03,358 Alright, I'm gonna go put some towels in the oven 213 00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:04,794 and crank up the thermostat 214 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,404 so we can sweat the crud out of you. 215 00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:07,754 [knocking on door] 216 00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:09,277 I'll get it. You stay put. 217 00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:11,583 Oh, and if you gotta break wind 218 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,022 lift the covers and at least give poor Jim a fighting chance. 219 00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:16,284 Okay. 220 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,113 [coughing] 221 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,157 [farts] 222 00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:21,245 Oops. 223 00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:25,510 Sorry, Jim. 224 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:33,997 Mrs. Biggs. 225 00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,433 Mike can't come out. He's sick. 226 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,654 Well, I...I know. That's why I'm here. 227 00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,482 I've been trying to call, but there's been no answer. 228 00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:43,746 Yeah, I had to unplug the phone, 'cause you kept waking him up. 229 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,096 Well, can I just poke my head in and say hello? 230 00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:47,271 He's asleep. 231 00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,099 - 'Mom!' - You happy? 232 00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:51,101 You woke him up again. 233 00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,929 Excuse me. I'm just gonna say hi. 234 00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:54,365 Well, keep it short. 235 00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:56,019 He's in no shape for dirty dancing 236 00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:57,412 or a shoes-on quickie. 237 00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:02,896 - Mike. - There's my girl. 238 00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:04,811 Oh, if I would have known you were this sick 239 00:12:04,898 --> 00:12:06,421 I never would have made you go to the opera. 240 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:07,901 Made me? 241 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:10,207 It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. 242 00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:11,426 Right? 243 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,037 Opera, huh? 244 00:12:14,124 --> 00:12:16,213 I can't even get him to take me to the Ice Capades. 245 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,259 I had to go with a woman from church that I hate. 246 00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:21,305 What can I do for you, sweetie? 247 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,567 Can I make you something to eat? 248 00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:24,482 [scoffs] That'd be a fool's errand. 249 00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:26,180 I made him chicken noodle soup. 250 00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:29,052 The broth came out one end, the noodles came out the other. 251 00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:31,838 - Mom, please. - What? 252 00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,883 She's a grown woman. She knows you poop and vomit. 253 00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:36,930 Well, she certainly does now. 254 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,151 We should probably let him get some sleep. 255 00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:44,328 - Yeah, okay. I love you. - I love you, too. 256 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,200 Yeah, yeah, everybody loves everybody. 257 00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:52,032 Listen, Mrs. Biggs, I appreciate you getting here so quickly 258 00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:53,773 but I can take over now. 259 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,210 Really? You ready to wipe the dried snot off his nose 260 00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:59,300 and take his temperature the baby way? 261 00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:02,303 Or the normal, grown-up person way, yeah. 262 00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:06,350 I think I can handle it. 263 00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,265 Alright, suit yourself. 264 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:09,701 But you better run out to the pharmacy 265 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,138 and get a few things before I go. 266 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,704 Alright, like what? 267 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,664 Well, I made a list. He didn't have anything here. 268 00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:19,537 He was using coffee filters for toilet paper. 269 00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:23,193 I don't know what he was using for coffee filters. 270 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,066 Luckily, I keep Pepto and whiskey in my purse. 271 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,200 - Wart cream and corn pads? - Those are for me. 272 00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:33,203 My little vanities. I'll reimburse you. 273 00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:34,901 No, please, my treat. 274 00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:36,772 Thank you for holding down the fort. 275 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,905 Oh, thanks. You're so sweet. 276 00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:44,693 Sweet but gullible. 277 00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:47,087 Mikey, get your snow boots on. We're bugging out. 278 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:52,266 Where are we going, mom? 279 00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:55,269 Where I should've taken you in the first place. 280 00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:57,749 Oh, no, not the Ice Capades. 281 00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:05,061 I'm putting some citronella in the humidifier. 282 00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:07,498 Citronella? Isn't that for killing mosquitoes? 283 00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:09,979 Hey, bugs are bugs. 284 00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,241 [doorbell rings] 285 00:14:15,811 --> 00:14:18,335 - Help me understand. - I called an audible. 286 00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:20,033 I can take better care of him here. 287 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,557 Oh, and you couldn't leave a note or make a phone call? 288 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:24,776 Hey, you try dialing a phone when you're loading 289 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,475 300 pounds of clammy dead weight into a car. 290 00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,520 Listen to me. That's my boyfriend in there. 291 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,958 Like it or not, and I'm the one who's gonna take care of him. 292 00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:35,004 Well, he may be your boyfriend, but he's my son. 293 00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:37,702 I've nursed him through croup, measles, broken bones 294 00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,095 and sat with him in the bathroom 295 00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:41,489 while he tried to pass a GI Joe head. 296 00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:46,407 So don't think you're gonna March in there 297 00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:49,192 and brush aside 35 years of mothering. 298 00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:53,196 You know what? You're right. 299 00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,633 And you've done an amazing job. 300 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,201 He's a sweet, wonderful man. 301 00:14:58,288 --> 00:15:00,900 And I-I realize that's mostly because of you. 302 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:05,600 Well, wasn't easy. His dad was never around. 303 00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:07,167 I understand. 304 00:15:07,254 --> 00:15:09,996 You had to be both mother and father to him. 305 00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:12,476 And the results speak for themselves. 306 00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,436 Well, thank you very much. 307 00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:17,307 No. Thank you. 308 00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:20,571 Tell him to call me when he feels better. 309 00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:26,142 Hang on. You drove all the way over. 310 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:28,536 You might as well come in and have a cup of tea. 311 00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:31,931 - Are you sure it's okay? - 'Yeah.' 312 00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:34,063 Got the wart cream and corn pads? 313 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:36,109 Yeah, it's in there. 314 00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:37,458 You're all set for a night on the town 315 00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:40,635 with open-toed shoes. 316 00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:42,811 Cute, but for the record, I'm not a whore. 317 00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:46,946 Come on in. 318 00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:50,601 Mikey, your little girlfriend's here 319 00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:52,386 but she can't stay long. 320 00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:54,040 - Hi, honey. - Hi, sweetie. 321 00:15:54,127 --> 00:15:56,520 Lay off the grab ass. He's still on the mend. 322 00:15:58,087 --> 00:15:59,523 I'll try and control myself. 323 00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:06,878 You wanna go for a ride in the car? 324 00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:12,667 What kind of lunatic loads a sick man into a car 325 00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:13,798 and kidnaps him? 326 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,064 I mean, I-I-I'm doing it to make a point. 327 00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:21,632 But your mother, she's just crazy. 328 00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:23,895 Where are we going? I'm not wearing pants. 329 00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:30,119 I can't believe that witch doctor 330 00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:31,425 was feeding you whiskey. 331 00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:32,992 What's next, putting leeches on your neck? 332 00:16:34,776 --> 00:16:37,213 I mean, I haven't raised a child, but I'm a teacher. 333 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:40,086 I work with children every day. And they're just like you. 334 00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:41,478 Always touchin' stuff 335 00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:42,740 and puttin' their fingers in their mouth. 336 00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:44,351 You're still running a fever. 337 00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:46,396 I'm gonna get you some aspirin. 338 00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:47,615 Fingers! 339 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,924 Don't ask any questions. Just get in the car. 340 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:04,153 [engine revving] 341 00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:06,112 Damn it. 342 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,856 [engine revving] 343 00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:14,076 This isn't over, Peggy Biggs! 344 00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:15,904 I know where you live! 345 00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:19,255 You'd better sleep with one eye open, old woman! 346 00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:21,083 Your dog hates you! 347 00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:25,044 [instrumental music] 348 00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,009 She doesn't know who she's messing with, Mikey. 349 00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:36,533 I'm not some toothless rube at the county fair 350 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:39,536 getting lured into the hootchy-kootchy tent. 351 00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:42,496 Thinks she can walk into my house and steal my boy 352 00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:44,280 right out from under my nose. 353 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:45,890 She caught me when my guard was down. 354 00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:48,458 Trust me, that'll never happen again. 355 00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,199 We're gonna stop by the home depot. 356 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:53,333 I'm getting some utility rope and cowbells. 357 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,422 She walks within three feet of my perimeter 358 00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:56,988 and I'll know it. 359 00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:01,210 Mom, I really don't feel so good. 360 00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:02,994 Worse come to worse, we can always hole you up 361 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,127 in your Uncle Ray's ice fishing cabin. 362 00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:07,086 I have to put chains on the tires to get to it 363 00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:10,176 but just let little missy try and find you 364 00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,700 in the backwoods of Appleton, Wisconsin. 365 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,659 [sneezes] 366 00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:18,532 Oh, now, that's clearing up very nicely. 367 00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:20,142 I do believe you're on the mend. 368 00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:29,282 [theme music]