Yeah, I'll have the blueberry pancakes
a couple of scrambled eggs and a side of sausage.
Good choice. And for the lady?
No food, just a cup of hot tea with lemon.
Oh, are we slimming down for the swimsuit competition?
You realize I carry a gun, right?
I am from Africa. The dogs have guns.
[coughing]
You're not getting a cold, are you?
No, I'm fine. Just no appetite.
No, you're getting sick.
And that's the reason right there.
What are you talking about?
You're always putting your dirty
germ-covered fingers in your mouth.
Counting your teeth, playing with your tongue.
Hey, I wash my hands at least three times a day.
Well, that's very upsetting because you pee
at least five times a day.
That's because I drink the proper amount of fluids
for a man my size, pardon me for hydrating.
Come on, you're sweating like a hooker in a church.
A fully hydrated, 300-pound hooker.
This isn't sweat, it's condensation.
It's cold outside, it's warm inside
which causes me to become a little dewy.
Why are you being a martyr?
It's not like there's gonna be
some kind of crime wave today.
And it's not like we can do anything about it if there was.
For the last time, I am not sick.
[sneezes]
Now where you gonna put that?
I mean, it ain't just gonna go away.
There's nothing to put away.
Did you just wipe that sneeze on your pant leg?
- No. - Yes, you did.
Now go to the bathroom and wipe the snot off your hands.
Fine. You know, you're a real nag sometimes.
Well, it's about time for pee number three anyway.
Quit counting my pees.
If only I could.
And don't even get me started about his belly button.
He digs into that thing like there's money at the bottom.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
How were things at the mortuary today, pumpkin?
Pretty quiet.
Holiday suicide season is over.
So we're back to just old people and slow pedestrians.
Well, don't despair.
Valentine's Day is right around the corner.
Yeah. Jilted-lover season.
Always good for a couple of bridge jumpers.
Or someone taking a lonely bath with a blow dryer.
It's almost impossible to get their hair to stay down.
- Hello. - Wow!
- Va-va-voom. - Fancy.
- Thank you. - You look beautiful.
I better, this dress is the reason
my car won't have snow tires on it this year.
Well, fashion first, safety second.
So what's the occasion, Mol?
My boyfriend is taking me to see "La Boheme"tonight.
Oh, so you finally suckered him
into taking you to the opera, huh?
Does he know that Elmer Fudd's not in it?
He's actually being really sweet about it.
Although I'm sure that the opera is
the last place in the world he wants to go.
Which means you're finally dating a straight man.
[sighs] About time, right?
Hey, you kiss enough fairies
one of them is bound to turn into a frog.
Amen.
[retching]
Okay, I'm fine.
I'll be fine. Mike Biggs does not get sick.
[doorbell rings]
[blows on hand]
Oh!
Oh, brain freeze. Brain freeze.
Son of a bitch!
- Hello. - Hey!
- Wow, you look gorgeous. - Oh, thank you.
You're not so bad yourself there, mister.
Yeah, two-for-one sale at the suit store.
Saving the other one for St. Patty's day.
You know why?
- Because it's green? - Bingo.
[instrumental music]
Oh-hoo.
So how long is this thing?
- About three hours. - Three hours? Wow.
They really give you your money's worth.
Hey, is that men's room downstairs the closest bathroom?
I think so. Why?
I just like to get the lay of the land.
I like to be aware of my surroundings.
It's my cop instincts.
I need to know where to run, I need to know where to hide
and I need to know where to pee.
So what's this opera about?
It's about a poet named Rodolfo.
And he falls in love with a seamstress named Mimi.
Okay, I'm a fan already.
Now, Mimi is kind of a flirt but Rodolfo
can't break up with her because she's mortally ill.
I see. And it takes three hours for her to croak, huh?
No chance she can drop early, like, at a boxing match?
Look, I realize this is not your thing
but I'm sure that if you give it a half a chance you'll enjoy it.
Hey, I trust you, I've come to appreciate
a lot of things you've introduced me to.
White wine, documentaries, clean sheets.
Well, I think you'll like this.
And you don't have to understand Italian to follow the story.
Oh, it's in a foreign language.
That's a nice bonus.
Three hours from...now.
[opera music]
[singing in Italian]
God, where's John Wilkes Booth when you need him?
Are you enjoying it?
Oh, it's magical.
[stomach grumbling]
Sorry. Just two corn dogs fighting for kennel space.
[singing in Italian]
[music continues]
Bravo! Bravissimo!
I know, and we're just at intermission.
- What? There's more? - Yeah.
Oh, my God, you're drenched in sweat.
Oh, what'd you expect? I'm a fat guy in a wool suit.
You have a fever.
You bet I do. Opera fever. Whoo!
No, sir, you're sick. We need to get you in bed.
Okay, but I still get credit for the full three hours, right?
[coughing]
Are you sure you're okay to drive?
I'm fine, although I am a little miffed that you dragged me out
of the opera before I could see how it ended.
Guess I'll just have to buy the book.
Look, I appreciate that you're strong like bull
but I think you should spend the night at my place
so I can take care of you.
There's nothing to take care of.
I just need to go home, get a good night's sleep
and I'll be fit as a fiddle.
[sneezing]
Here's a million-dollar idea
windshield wipers on the inside.
Oh!
[instrumental music]
Okay, just help me zip up my fly
and tuck in my shirt and we're good to go.
Yeah, I don't see that working out for you.
You're staying home today.
No. Mike Biggs does not miss work.
And Carl McMillan doesn't ride around in a car
with a man holding a throw up bucket.
Allow me this one eccentricity.
It'll be fine. Just drive slow, avoid the speed bumps.
And if we have to chase down any perps on foot
you may have to go it alone.
So I won't be able to count on your normal lightning speed
and cat-like reflexes?
Look, I'm gonna to get a hold of Molly
and have her come over here and take care of you.
No, I don't want her to see me all sweaty and out of breath.
She'll never wanna have sex with me again.
Well, if she hasn't seen you sweaty and out of breath
I'm pretty sure you haven't had sex in the first place.
Please don't call her. I'm begging you.
Somebody's gotta come over here and take care of you.
Hey, I am a grown man.
I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
- It's your mother. - Mom, I don't feel so good.
I can't believe you don't own a hot water bottle.
You young people think you can cure everything
with a pill or a shot of dope.
Drink that.
- Oh! That burns. - 'Of course it burns.'
It's whiskey and cayenne pepper.
You don't wanna coddle flu germs.
You wanna torch their village and behead their elders.
Here, use Jim as your hot water bottle for now.
But whatever you do
don't roll over on the little fella.
I rescued him from the pound
but I ain't digging him out of your fanny.
- What is that stuff? - Mentholatum.
It'll help bring the lung oysters to the surface.
So where's your little lady friend at?
She's probably at work.
Oh, that's convenient.
Drags you out honky-tonking all night
gets you sick as a dog
then leaves me with the thankless
task of slathering up your big stinky feet.
I didn't ask you to do this.
You also didn't ask me to give birth to you.
But that's what a mother does.
Split me open like a walnut.
Yeah, you've mentioned it a couple times over the years.
Just quoting the doctor.
Said he never saw anything like it.
You had chest hair and a front tooth.
I've seen the pictures.
It was like nursing a beaver.
Alright, I'm gonna go put some towels in the oven
and crank up the thermostat
so we can sweat the crud out of you.
[knocking on door]
I'll get it. You stay put.
Oh, and if you gotta break wind
lift the covers and at least give poor Jim a fighting chance.
Okay.
[coughing]
[farts]
Oops.
Sorry, Jim.
Mrs. Biggs.
Mike can't come out. He's sick.
Well, I...I know. That's why I'm here.
I've been trying to call, but there's been no answer.
Yeah, I had to unplug the phone, 'cause you kept waking him up.
Well, can I just poke my head in and say hello?
He's asleep.
- 'Mom!' - You happy?
You woke him up again.
Excuse me. I'm just gonna say hi.
Well, keep it short.
He's in no shape for dirty dancing
or a shoes-on quickie.
- Mike. - There's my girl.
Oh, if I would have known you were this sick
I never would have made you go to the opera.
Made me?
It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Right?
Opera, huh?
I can't even get him to take me to the Ice Capades.
I had to go with a woman from church that I hate.
What can I do for you, sweetie?
Can I make you something to eat?
[scoffs] That'd be a fool's errand.
I made him chicken noodle soup.
The broth came out one end, the noodles came out the other.
- Mom, please. - What?
She's a grown woman. She knows you poop and vomit.
Well, she certainly does now.
We should probably let him get some sleep.
- Yeah, okay. I love you. - I love you, too.
Yeah, yeah, everybody loves everybody.
Listen, Mrs. Biggs, I appreciate you getting here so quickly
but I can take over now.
Really? You ready to wipe the dried snot off his nose
and take his temperature the baby way?
Or the normal, grown-up person way, yeah.
I think I can handle it.
Alright, suit yourself.
But you better run out to the pharmacy
and get a few things before I go.
Alright, like what?
Well, I made a list. He didn't have anything here.
He was using coffee filters for toilet paper.
I don't know what he was using for coffee filters.
Luckily, I keep Pepto and whiskey in my purse.
- Wart cream and corn pads? - Those are for me.
My little vanities. I'll reimburse you.
No, please, my treat.
Thank you for holding down the fort.
Oh, thanks. You're so sweet.
Sweet but gullible.
Mikey, get your snow boots on. We're bugging out.
Where are we going, mom?
Where I should've taken you in the first place.
Oh, no, not the Ice Capades.
I'm putting some citronella in the humidifier.
Citronella? Isn't that for killing mosquitoes?
Hey, bugs are bugs.
[doorbell rings]
- Help me understand. - I called an audible.
I can take better care of him here.
Oh, and you couldn't leave a note or make a phone call?
Hey, you try dialing a phone when you're loading
300 pounds of clammy dead weight into a car.
Listen to me. That's my boyfriend in there.
Like it or not, and I'm the one who's gonna take care of him.
Well, he may be your boyfriend, but he's my son.
I've nursed him through croup, measles, broken bones
and sat with him in the bathroom
while he tried to pass a GI Joe head.
So don't think you're gonna March in there
and brush aside 35 years of mothering.
You know what? You're right.
And you've done an amazing job.
He's a sweet, wonderful man.
And I-I realize that's mostly because of you.
Well, wasn't easy. His dad was never around.
I understand.
You had to be both mother and father to him.
And the results speak for themselves.
Well, thank you very much.
No. Thank you.
Tell him to call me when he feels better.
Hang on. You drove all the way over.
You might as well come in and have a cup of tea.
- Are you sure it's okay? - 'Yeah.'
Got the wart cream and corn pads?
Yeah, it's in there.
You're all set for a night on the town
with open-toed shoes.
Cute, but for the record, I'm not a whore.
Come on in.
Mikey, your little girlfriend's here
but she can't stay long.
- Hi, honey. - Hi, sweetie.
Lay off the grab ass. He's still on the mend.
I'll try and control myself.
You wanna go for a ride in the car?
What kind of lunatic loads a sick man into a car
and kidnaps him?
I mean, I-I-I'm doing it to make a point.
But your mother, she's just crazy.
Where are we going? I'm not wearing pants.
I can't believe that witch doctor
was feeding you whiskey.
What's next, putting leeches on your neck?
I mean, I haven't raised a child, but I'm a teacher.
I work with children every day. And they're just like you.
Always touchin' stuff
and puttin' their fingers in their mouth.
You're still running a fever.
I'm gonna get you some aspirin.
Fingers!
Don't ask any questions. Just get in the car.
[engine revving]
Damn it.
[engine revving]
This isn't over, Peggy Biggs!
I know where you live!
You'd better sleep with one eye open, old woman!
Your dog hates you!
[instrumental music]
She doesn't know who she's messing with, Mikey.
I'm not some toothless rube at the county fair
getting lured into the hootchy-kootchy tent.
Thinks she can walk into my house and steal my boy
right out from under my nose.
She caught me when my guard was down.
Trust me, that'll never happen again.
We're gonna stop by the home depot.
I'm getting some utility rope and cowbells.
She walks within three feet of my perimeter
and I'll know it.
Mom, I really don't feel so good.
Worse come to worse, we can always hole you up
in your Uncle Ray's ice fishing cabin.
I have to put chains on the tires to get to it
but just let little missy try and find you
in the backwoods of Appleton, Wisconsin.
[sneezes]
Oh, now, that's clearing up very nicely.
I do believe you're on the mend.
[theme music]