Isn't this great?
A hot bowl of soup and Sportscenter.
Doesn't get better than this, does it?
[chuckling] Please tell me that's not true.
Look, I'm just sayin', it's nice to be at that point
In our relationship where we don't have to get dressed up
and go out every night.
No, I think it's great
that we're this comfortable with each other.
But that doesn't mean we're never gonna leave
the house again, does it?
Why would we? We're never gonna find
a sports bar with soup this good.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, "Classic Moments In Boxing"..
Dear God! I'm gonna die here.
Hey, pancake. Is your mom ready?
Yes, Vince, she was ready over an hour ago.
What can I tell ya? I was unavoidably detained.
What happened, they extend the two-for-one
lap dance special at the Boob Shack?
Don't kid yourself that two-for-one deal's a racket.
They don't mean two broads, they mean two songs.
And you couldn't take a minute to call my mother?
I was stuck in traffic!
Plus, I don't like cellular phones.
Read somewhere that it numbs your 'nads.
And at my age, boners are like money.
You really have no filter at all, do you?
Mom! Prince Charming's here!
Oh, the "Thrilla In Manila". You know, I was there.
The Ali-Frazier fight? That must've been amazing.
Oh, yeah. Manila's a great town.
For 20 bucks, you can get a broad
a silk suit and a steak the size of a fat baby.
Hey, Vin. Don't you look handsome tonight.
'Ooh! And look at you.'
If the couch potatoes weren't here
I'd take you on the rug right now.
Oh, by the way, have you thought about my offer?
Vin wants to buy me breast implants.
Isn't that generous of him?
Oh, yeah, always thinking of others.
Hey, I'll use 'em as much as she will.
'Night.
Be careful walking in those heels.
The only thing I want you pullin', is me.
Oh, God! That man just repulses me.
Why?
Why? Are you kidding me?
He's a horny little piglet with a pinky ring.
My mom deserves a decent man who's loving
and respectful and, you know, pays attention to--
Pow! There goes the mouthpiece!
You know, like what I've got.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
Ah-h-h!
Now that's more like it.
So, I guess you're officially done courtin' me, huh?
Look, tomorrow night, I promise we're out
to a nice dinner and a movie afterwards.
Promise to keep your pants buttoned?
Boy, it's never enough with you, is it?
What did I tell you, they haven't budged.
Well, we had a wonderful night.
- We ate Moroccan food. - Oh!
A little spicy for my taste.
I hope it cools down before it bids me adieu.
And Vin knows the owner, so we got free lamb kebabs
and a belly dancer came right up to our table.
Swell-lookin' broad.
Little long in the tooth
but her rack hasn't completely tear-dropped yet.
What is it with you?
Were you not breast fed as a child?
Hey, Vin, I'm gonna go up and run a hot bath
and light a few candles if you care to join me.
You kiddin'? Between the Viagra, the belly dancer
and watchin' you eat with your fingers
I got enough lumber to build a coffee table.
Meet you upstairs.
Go ahead and start the engine. I'll be up in a minute
to back it out of the driveway.
What does that even mean?
Hey, Mikey, if you're interested
I got a couple extra Bull tickets
for tomorrow night's game.
Against Boston? I thought that game was sold out.
My Moroccan pal gave me his season tickets.
A little payback for getting him a deal on rat traps.
The quiet kind, so they don't freak out the customers.
Oh, man, Bulls-Celtics! I'm in.
Mike, I thought you and I had plans for tomorrow night.
We can go to a stupid movie anytime.
We're talking about the Bulls and the Celtics.
Third row behind home bench.
And I rented a limo.
Oh, my God! Third row behind home bench!
And he rented a limo!
Just consider it a thank-you for keeping the streets safe
From all the perverts and scumbags.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw her mom one
in the bathtub.
Where do you keep your gun? Is at home or in the car?
Can you believe this? Third row.
You're actually going?
Well, there's two tickets. We can both go.
No, I'm not taking anything from that man.
He's just trying to worm his way into my family.
And what a great way to do it.
Third row. Bulls tickets.
Welcome to the family, Vince Moranto.
Alright, if you feel comfortable
taking what is clearly a bribe
then, by all means, have a good time.
I'm a cop. People give me free stuff all the time
and I don't do squat in return.
That's what would make it a bribe.
Well, I'm not going.
But if you want to go, that's up to you.
You know what? Fine. I won't go.
- Really? - Sure, what the hell.
It's just a basketball game and I promised
I'd take you to dinner and a movie.
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Aw, come on! You're gonna hold me to that?
Ah! What are you reading?
A book.
"The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants"?
Yes.
Wow, you're already halfway through it.
I started in the middle.
A good book can grab you anywhere.
Mike, I know you're upset with me.
What makes you think that?
Because you're pretending to read.
Hey, I can read.
I can't believe because you don't like Vince
I don't get to have any fun.
Look, I just don't trust the guy.
And I'm guessing the minute he gets what he wants from my mom
he's outta here.
Oh, and you really think your mom's
been holding something back?
Boy, that's not what I'm hearin' through the walls.
Mike, listen to me
I'm not telling you you can't go to that game.
You're not?
No. That has to be your decision.
So whichever way I go, you'll be okay with that?
That's my decision.
You're killing me.
Samuel, let me ask you a question.
We come in here all the time, right?
If we covered you in vinyl, we could use you as a booth.
And once in a while
you've been known to give us the occasional free meal.
And dessert, coffee to go
curb-side service for when you're too lazy
to button your pants and come inside.
Right, right.
And in exchange, have we ever given you
any extra protection or surveillance whatsoever?
I've never even heard a thank-you.
I rest my case.
I believe, once, we were even robbed
while you were sitting here eating your free oatmeal.
You see? Nobody can bribe Mike Biggs.
She doesn't like the guy, so I don't get to go to the game.
- Crazy, right? - Yeah, it's crazy.
But your problem is you're trying to approach this thing
using logic and common sense
and that ain't the way women work.
So when she told me she didn't care if I went to the game..
She meant "If you do go to that game, don't bother comin' home."
It's like when you offer me a bite of your dilly bar.
I know you don't mean it
and I know you don't want me to have it.
That's true. I don't.
Look, in relationships, it's all about solidarity.
You gotta like who she likes and hate who she hates.
Even if it makes absolutely no sense at all?
Especially when it makes no sense.
That's when her convictions are the strongest.
I thought relationships were supposed to be
about give and take.
They are.. She gives you sex
and you take whatever crazy B.S. she throws at you.
I guess the bottom line is
I won't be sitting third row at tonight's Bulls game.
Third row? Oh, man, that must hurt like a bitch.
But still, you gotta back your lady, no matter what.
I can't believe this. I'm passin' up two tickets
to a Bulls-Celtics game.
Two tickets?
'Course, there is another way to look at this thing.
Boy, that was a terrific dinner, honey.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Now you won't have to fill up on hot dogs at the game.
Always lookin' out for your man, huh?
'Every waking minute.'
Sarcasm..
That-that-that's never good.
Golly, you should've seen Carl's face
when he found out we were going to the Bulls game.
It just lit up.
I bet it did.
See, for me, that's the whole joy of going to this thing.
You know, seeing how happy it makes Carl.
Uh-huh.
Well, I hope you guys have fun tonight.
[doorbell ringing]
Molly, please. I can't enjoy myself
if I know you're upset.
Well, that's a shame.
You know what? Forget it.
I'm gonna tell those guys to go on without me.
If that's what you wanna do.
It's not what I wanna do!
I wanna go to the game. And I want you to say it's okay
so I can get drunk, have a good time
and not worry about comin' home to that face, right there.
[Vince] 'Mike, come on! Let's go!'
- Have fun. - Stop saying that!
Boy, you got a mean streak in you, sister.
[instrumental music]
Mikey, you sure I can't mix you
a refreshing alcoholic concoction?
Man makes a wicked lemon drop. He even sugared the rim.
Aw, I better not. If Molly smells liquor
on my breath, she'll think I had a good time.
Hey, you gotta snap out of it.
You're already in the doghouse
you might as well pee on the carpet.
Come on, have a little hooch.
Some of the best sex I've ever had involved liquor and anger.
I agree. If she ain't mad at you, you ain't doin' it right.
I guess one beer wouldn't hurt.
Atta boy.
Oh! And after the game, I was thinkin' we could
pop into the locker room and say hi to some of the players.
You're kiddin'! We get to meet the team?
Yeah, one of the trainers used to bang my cousin
so that kinda makes him family.
Did you hear that?
We are gonna be in the locker room with..
- Our Chicago Bulls! - Our Chicago Bulls!
Salud!
Check this out.
Open sesame.
Whoa! Moon roof!
Moon roof?
I'm the king of the world!
Hey, punk, you better run!
See, now back in the '70s we'd have to burn
a whole nickel bag to get this ripped.
Did you smoke a lot of pot back then, mom?
Mm..
You know, when I was pregnant, I couldn't drink.
And it really did help with the morning sickness.
Well, a lot has changed since then.
It's all scientific now.
Weed advancement really took off once the nerds got involved.
Well, hats off to those little four-eyed virgins.
Now if we can just get 'em workin'
on wrinkle cream and hair removal.
Absolutely.
Today's pubic hair technology
really leaves much to be desired.
Oh, yeah, we're losin' that race to the Brazilians.
Oh, good.
Second-hand pot smoke and a table full of snacks.
It's an overeater's dream.
Do you want to watch the basketball game with us?
- No, thank you. - Oh, come on.
Vince said if they point the camera at him
he's gonna stand up and cup his junk as kind of a secret hello.
Great. Please tell me he's gonna be our new daddy.
Honey, I know you're not crazy about him
but he's really a very sensitive and caring man.
Why? Because when he walks out of the bathroom
he announces the air quality?
Listen, I've dated guys who didn't do that..
Trust me, it's better to know what you're walkin' into.
Is that Mike?
No, that's the mascot.
Oh, you're right.
Mike doesn't have a tail, does he?
Look, mom, I just think you can..
You can do a lot better than that guy.
Come on, Molly.
You never like any of my boyfriends.
Remember Jerry the housepainter? You made him cry.
I caught him stealing money from your purse.
That man was a sexual dynamo. He earned every penny.
And thanks to you, our garage door is still only half yellow.
Mom, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
It's just that I love you and I don't want to see you get hurt.
Aw, sweetie, I appreciate you worryin' about me
But I'm just having a good time with the man.
Besides, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.
You're right. It's your life.
If he makes you happy, that's what's..
That's what's important.
From now on, I am officially butting out.
Don't you dare.
Hey, look, mom. Vince is sayin' hello.
This was the greatest night of my life.. Seriously.
I'll probably have to lie to people, at some point
and say it was my wedding day or the birth of my first child
but the three of us will know the truth.
Double overtime, Bulls win by two
plus they scored over 100 points, which means we all get..
[in unison] Free chalupas!
I mean, it was a magical evening, right?
I don't know how to thank you, Vince.
Third row seats and we got to go
into the locker room after the game.
Boy, some of those guys were swingin' the sausage, huh?
Not that I was lookin', but they were at eye level.
Yeah, I thought that one was gonna eat
a peanut out of my hand.
You know, dip down into the water bucket and wash his back.
Elephant trunk. We got it at "peanut".
Well, I'm glad you boys had a good time.
Maybe mention to your girlfriend
that I'm not such a bad egg.
Oh, she doesn't think you're a bad egg
she just thinks her mom's scrapin' the bottom
of the barrel by dating you.
But why? I treat Joyce like a queen.
Hey, this isn't comin' from me.
It's just that Molly thinks your intentions
are less than honorable.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, I've loved many women.
But Joyce ain't like them other skanks.
She's smart, she's funny
plus she can match me kink for kink in the boudoir.
I probably won't tell Molly about the kink part.
She might not see it as the compliment you intended.
Well, you know her better than I do.
So where to now, gents?
The night is still young.
I should probably head home.
Molly was pretty mad when I left.
We can't go home now. We're drunk, we're in a limo.
Hey, let's cruise past a nightclub with the windows down
and tell everybody we're Earth, Wind & Fire.
You're kiddin'.
♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ The twenty-first night of September? ♪
♪ Love was changing the minds of pretenders ♪
♪ While chasing the clouds away ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh! ♪
♪ Ba de ya ♪
♪ Say, do you remember ♪
♪ Ba de ya ♪
♪ Dancing in September ♪
♪ Ba de ya ♪
♪ Never was a cloudy day.. ♪♪
Thank you again for tonight. It was very generous.
Hey, I'm sure if I ever got into a real jam
like I was sittin' on, say, 30 to 35 unpaid parkin' tickets
you'd step up with a little quid pro quo.
Yeah, I really don't do that type of thing.
Ever?
Molly, what are you doin' up so late?
Waiting for you. Did you have fun tonight?
Are you gonna be mad if I say yes?
- No. - It was awesome!
Best night of my life.
I mean, not as good as the night we met..
But right up there.
And just so you know, he was a good boy tonight.
The place was crawlin' with tail.
Hey, the boys are back.
Doll-face!
How are ya?
Sorry I gave you such a hard time about going out tonight.
Yeah, it wasn't a very attractive side of you.
Just take the apology, pal.
Joyce, I want you to know that my intentions are honorable.
Vin, what are you doing on your knees?
Please tell me he's havin' a heart attack.
- Joyce Meredith Flynn-- - Marilyn.
You gonna bust my stones over a middle name?
I thought you guys were just havin' a good time together.
We were.
But I think it's time that I step up
and let everyone know that Vincent Moranto is here to stay.
Is this what you had in mind, big guy?
- You told him to do this? - I don't think so.
I don't know. I don't feel good.
What do you say, Joyce? Will you have me?
Mom, take your time. And think about it--
Yes, Vince, I will marry you.
You took absolutely no time to think about that.
You've made me the happiest man in the world.
You gotta admit, it's kinda romantic.
Not seein' it?
[yawns] 'Night, everybody.
You look very pretty this morning.
Some might say radiant.
Don't. Okay?
You know, Molly, he's actually not a bad guy.
Can we just eat our breakfast and not talk?
There they are.
Boy, I know what I'm gettin' you two for Christmas.
Chairs.
Hey, princess, I realize I'm not your real dad
nor would I ever try to replace him.
That's good to know.
But if you ever need anything..
Advice, tires, panty hose, whatever..
- I'm there for you. - I appreciate it.
And you, you got a real gem here
And you're gonna have to start steppin' up.
Take her out every once in a while.
Spend a little coin.
Shell out for a nice dinner.
Don't take her someplace just because you got
a coupon for a free chalupa.
You know what? I think you're right.
That guy is kind of annoying.
I don't know, he's actually starting to grow on me.
[theme music]