Yeah, I ordered the heart-shaped cake
with "Happy Valentine's Day, Molly"
spelled out in Red Hots. When will that be ready?
Perfect. I'll be by later to pick that up.
You know, normally, they do the wording
with little icing flowerets
but my lady likey the Red Hots.
Oh, that's right. It's Mikey that likey the Mike and lkeys.
I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant
followed by a carriage ride down Michigan Avenue
then back to her place for dessert and champagne.
Carriage ride?
With that cold wind blowing off the lake?
Man, you ain't going to see your testicles
till about late March, early April.
The nip in the air promotes snuggling.
Plus, I'm bringing thermal underwear and ski masks.
Mm, sounds sexy.
Like two cat burglars in the worst getaway vehicle ever.
Hey, I thought you'd be happier for me.
I finally got a girlfriend I can do something special
with on Valentine's Day.
Oh, so, you're saying last year wasn't special?
Drinking beer with you at that off-track betting place?
It was one of the most depressing nights of my life.
That's because none of your dogs came in.
You gotta look at the animal's pedigree, study its behavior.
You don't just throw 10 bucks at a dog
because his name is Scooby-Don't.
Ha, ha. Scooby-Don't.
And anyway don't worry about me.
I got plans of my own tomorrow night.
- You got a date? - Something better than a date.
I got a strategy.
Oh, this isn't the walking into the ladies' room
pretending to be blind thing again, is it?
That was an accident, one door had picture
of palm tree and other one had two coconuts.
And we both know two coconuts can go either way.
So, uh, what kind of strategy are you talking about?
Well, women have very high expectations on Valentine's Day.
- True? - That's true.
And that puts a lot of pressure on the man
which usually results in an argument
and or an ugly breakup.
Oh, no.
So around about 10:30
the streets are gonna be lined with a bunch of brokenhearted
bitches lookin' for a ride home.
Let me understand this.
You're gonna cruise around the city
looking for sad, stranded women?
- You are ghoulish. - Ghoulish like a fox.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
Mm! These are delicious.
Now, who are they from?
Gary, the Channel 9 weekend weatherman.
The guy with the bad rug?
You know, he even wears that thing in bed.
I woke up one morning and it was stuck to my crotch.
Kind of liked it.
It was very retro.
[Molly] 'Hey.'
Hey, sweetie, how was your day?
They served chili in the school cafeteria
so my afternoon was pretty much one long debate
about who smelt it and who dealt it.
Another package for Miss Victoria Flynn.
- Who's it from? - Uh, no return address.
Just a picture of a smiley face smoking a joint.
You know what they say..
"Candy is dandy, but yay weed."
Oh, look at this. Mike made me a valentine.
"Through wind or sleet or rain or shine
I will always be your valentine."
As soon as I heard "shine, I knew exactly
where he was headed.
Aw, look, he made it out of construction paper
and cut out little letters and glued them on.
Looks like a ransom note, doesn't it?
If he didn't sign it, I'd be pretty spooked.
Isn't that sweet? He wants tomorrow to be perfect.
Vince is doing the same thing.
He booked us a suite at the Sybaris adult motel.
- Ugh, really? - From 6:30 to midnight.
He's out right now buying extra chlorine for the Jacuzzi.
Mike and I are going to dinner
and then we're taking a nice romantic carriage ride
down Michigan Avenue.
Oh, Vince doesn't like carriage rides.
He says a visible horse anus is a boner killer.
Sure.
Gary the weatherman has the same problem
with midgets and schnauzers.
That's why we can't ever do it at the circus or the dog park.
Sure.
Well, I guess the upside
we all have dates on Valentine's Day.
Oh, yeah. I mean, these are high-class problems.
This is her favorite bakery
and she has no idea that I know about it.
How did you find out?
We drove by it once, she said, "That's my favorite bakery."
Look at you listening to a woman.
You gonna make detective yet.
Gentlemen, how can I help you?
Yes, I'm here to pick up a cake that I special ordered
for my girlfriend for Valentine's Day.
Alright, I think everybody heard that.
- Your last name? - Biggs. Two G's.
- And he has a girlfriend. - Ha, ha.
I'll be right back, help yourself to a sample
of our maple bars.
Man, there was a time when I would've walked in here
with a gallon of milk and a credit card
and not stopped till I hit drywall.
I'm proud of you, you're showing willpower and restraint.
Right, it's been a long time since we pulled
over a Little Debbie truck for expired tags.
[laughs]
Alright, Mr. Biggs with two G's.
We have a chocolate cake
with vanilla buttercream frosting.
Oh, that's gorgeous. You, sir, are a pastry magician.
Mm, I second that emotion.
This is like a, a bear claw
and an angel food cake had a sweet tasty baby.
Ha, ha! Well, thank you.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Molly." It's perfect.
Had to go to a gas station to buy the Red Hots
but I think it came out pretty nice.
Sounds like we might have enough left to spell out Flynn.
Ah. Well, wait a second.
- This cake is for Molly Flynn? - Uh-huh.
Oh, of course. You're Mike the cop.
I can't believe this. I'm Kyle.
- Kyle. - Yeah.
Oh, Kyle the baker.
This is Carl, the other cop.
- Nice to meet you. - You too.
And I couldn't be happier for you and Molly.
I still consider her one of the best things
to ever happen to me, even though it didn't work out
between us.
- Right. - Oh!
I'm sure Molly's already talked your ear off
about me backing out of our wedding.
- Wedding? - Shut up, Carl.
Let the man tell his story.
Water under the bridge, the important thing is
the two of you found each other.
Uh-huh.
What do I owe you for the cake?
You know what? It's on me.
Consider it my Valentine's present
to you and Molly.
Thank you, that's very generous.
Carry the cake, my knees are starting to buckle.
Should we grab a couple of maple bars for the road?
[Mike] 'Get in the car.'
I'm such a chump.
A big, dumb, trusting chump.
Jesus, this is moist.
So, what's the big deal if she had a boyfriend
before she met you?
Uh, not boyfriend. Fiance. Big difference.
They made a promise, they exchanged "I love you's."
I'm guessing they exchanged a lot more than that.
Not helping. God, this frosting just melts in your mouth.
That son of a bitch!
Look, I'm sure she has a perfectly good reason
for not telling you about that man.
Yeah, like she's still in love with the guy
and I'm just the stupid rebound guy
she kills time with, till they get back together.
You're jumping to conclusions without knowing all the facts.
Alright, fact, Molly had a secret fiance
she never told me about. Fact, he still has feelings for her.
Fact, he called off the wedding
so she still has feelings for him.
Not to mention he is ruggedly good-looking
and in terrific shape.
Not helping!
[instrumental music]
Hey, listen, to me, man, you don't wanna do this
right now. You're angry, you got cake on your nose.
I think a man deserves to know the truth
about the woman he's dating.
See, that's where you and I differ.
I don't wanna know anything.
I don't wanna know that she did jail time, has grandkids
my age or used to be named Jerome Wardlow the third.
- Go wait in the car. - You're gonna regret this, man.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm just gonna talk to her calmly
and get this whole thing straightened out.
- Hey, Mike. - Deceiver.
- What? - When were you gonna tell me?
Huh? When was I gonna find out about your dirty little secret?
Why don't you come inside and tell me
what you're so upset about.
Oh, you'd love for me to come inside, wouldn't you?
Maybe hang my coat up in your closet full
of skeletons.
Is that cake in your ear?
Probably.
It's from your favorite bakery.
I was gonna surprise you for Valentine's day
but little did I know, I'd be getting the surprise.
So, you met Kyle, look, I'm sorry
I didn't tell you about him, but it was a long time ago.
You were gonna stand at an altar and promise
to be with him forever, I can't even get you
to join Costco with me.
Well, I'm not gonna give up my Sam's Club membership
just to make you feel loved.
And there it is. Done and done.
Happy Valentine's Day, Molly Flynn.
[sighs] Mike, get back in here and let's talk about this.
Whoa! Unh!
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Nothing broken but my heart.
- And your sidewalk. - Shut up and start the car!
[instrumental music]
I was gonna give this to Molly
with a little heart-shaped chocolate.
Take it. Too many memories.
Where's the chocolate?
Just take the stupid flower and bring me a tall stack
of blueberry pancakes.
Don't you move. You ate a whole freaking cake yesterday.
- It was sugar-free. - It was still 5 pounds of food.
What difference does it make?
Did you see the way that Kyle guy was built?
You could see his abs and he was wearing a smock.
- I can't compete with that. - He was pretty cut.
Plus, he works in a bakery.
That's a man with a lot of self-control and discipline.
And he was very personable too. Kind of a quiet dignity.
Why don't you both marry him?
Hey, I know you're hurting
but I do not appreciate that tone.
Nor the implication of our homosexuality.
What if this is just the tip of the iceberg?
What if there's other stuff, she's not tellin' me?
Have you told her everything about your past?
Full disclosure. I've been an open book with that woman.
Did you tell her about that overweight-singles cruise?
If memory serves, you did very well
on that love barge.
I bet no one came knocking when that boat was a-rocking.
[chuckles]
I'm just saying, everybody has something
in their past and you can't hold it against them.
That's true, one day, a person could be a hired assassin
in the Senegalese Secret Service
the next day, he's being commanded
to fetch a fat cop his pancakes.
Thank you for the rose.
[instrumental music]
Mike, it's Molly. Again.
Uh, look, I understand that you're upset
but let's not blow this thing out of proportion.
I love you, so, quit acting like a big baby
and call me back.
He's still not taking your calls, huh?
I guess I'm spending another Valentine's Day by myself.
Although the janitor at school did offer
up a rather disturbing romantic scenario.
Hey, listen, lamb chop.
I know I'm not your real dad..
...but I don't understand why you just
don't tell Mikey your ex-fianceis a big fruit.
Mom, you told him?
Vin and I discussed it, yeah.
Because we don't keep secrets from each other.
- Unlike some people. - Oh, really?
I'm just saying, relationships are built
on a foundation of trust.
Of course, that foundation better be re-barred
into a bedrock of hot, nasty sex.
Thank you for the fatherly advice, Vince.
Hey, I've lived, I've loved, and with
that comes a certain amount of wisdom, and crabs.
Alright, Vin, no more sharing.
Believe it or not, trying to explain to Mike
that I almost married a gay man
is a little humiliating for me.
Sweetheart, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
You met Kyle in college, you liked each other.
He didn't even know he was gay yet.
Just out of curiosity, how'd you figure it out?
You catch him trying on your panties
or did he just say, "Boy, I wish you had a wiener."
This right here is why I don't like talking about it.
Molly, you don't have anything to be ashamed of.
Other than the fact that I was so desperate
to have a boyfriend that I was willing
to overlook some pretty obvious clues.
I mean, Mom, he painted my toenails
while we watched "Sex and the City."
Well, uh, you'll explain all this to Mike
and you guys will be even closer.
Amen to that.
And by the way, offering to paint a lady's toes
doesn't necessarily make a guy a swish.
Vince, FYI, "swish" is no longer the politically correct term.
Homo-Americans?
There you go!
Man, I went through so much trouble
to make sure tonight was perfect.
I know.
I even snuck into her iPod to see what kind of music
she likes so I could serenade her
with one at a karaoke bar after dinner.
What'd you come up with?
"You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC.
- Molly likes heavy metal? - No.
But it was the only thing in her iPod that didn't suck.
I mean, it is filled with whiny chick music.
I had to pull the ear buds out before I got my period.
Michael, what in the world are you doing here?
I thought you were taking Molly out for Valentine's Day.
Yeah, well, that whole thing sort of fell apart, Nana.
I thought I was the first man
that Molly had ever said "I love you" to.
Turns out, she'll say it to anybody
who can make a decent pie crust.
I see, so you thought you were her prince charming
on a white horse and now you're seeing
other hoof prints in her yard.
I bet they're not as deep as yours.
Did anybody ask, "What do the stupid people think?"
- No. - No is right.
So just sit there
until we need a learned opinion
about drinking straight out of the milk jug
or what time the neighbor lady takes her bath.
Hey, I was shoveling the driveway
and she left her blinds open.
You need to find yourself a woman
and get out of my house.
Now, Michael, Molly's a grown woman
and you can't get upset with her
because she's got a past.
I know that, I just didn't think her past
included some hunky guy that's in way better shape than I am.
So this ain't so much about Molly
as it is about you feeling a little less than.
Maybe, I mean, how can I ever measure up
to a guy like that?
In your own way is how.
And I'm guessing acting like a jackass
on Valentine's Day ain't helping your case.
See, you gotta ask yourself which one you'd rather be
the man she used to love
or the man she loves right now.
Thanks, Nana.
- Good luck out there, Carl. - Where are you going?
Don't worry about it. I got a strategy.
Mm-hm.
And if you walk into the ladies' bathroom
at church again pretending to be blind
I will slap the black off of you.
[instrumental music]
- We're closed. - It's Mike, the cop.
Mike.
- Why aren't you with Molly? - Oh, I'm with Molly.
Just so you know, I'm gonna be with Molly
for a long time.
Good to hear it.
Is that what you came by to tell me?
Yes, it is.
Oh, and I need a cake.
What happened to the other one?
She ate it, I didn't even get a bite.
She ate the whole thing?
Look, it doesn't matter who ate what
or who didn't get a bite I need something to replace it.
Well, what you see is what I got.
Most of the best stuff is already taken.
That's right, it is. Don't you forget it.
Molly's with me now. No take backs.
There's a new sheriff in town and his name is Mike Biggs.
- I know. With two G's. - Yeah.
I might not be sportin' a six-pack
or know how to make tiramisu..
...but she's my girlfriend now.
And even if you change your mind
and want her back, you can't have her.
Don't worry, Mike, I'm not gonna change my mind.
You say that now, but you changed
your mind about marrying her.
What's to stop you from doing it again?
I'm guessing the fact that I'm gay
might be a bit of a speed bump.
I'm sorry, bump, gay, what?
I'm Gay. With two G's.
Molly didn't tell you that part?
No, she did not.
But I try not to pry into her past.
See, our relationship is built on trust.
Well, there's nobody more trustworthy.
Even after all I put her through
she went out of her way to stay friends with me.
She's really a remarkable girl.
Of course, I'm not telling you
anything you don't already know.
Yeah.
Listen, I gotta try to salvage what's left of tonight.
How much for the heart-shaped cookies?
- Seven dollars. - Seven dollars?
It's a freaking cookie.
Well, it's a really good freaking cookie.
Can I get three for 20?
Oh!
[sniffles]
[sighs]
Ugh. Eww. Coconut. That one doesn't count.
[instrumental music]
Molly, I'm sorry.
It doesn't matter what happened in the past.
Because every single thing made you the person
that I love now.
I love you too, but you've been acting like a real jerk.
You're absolutely right.
- How can I make it up to you? - I don't know.
Just stand there freezing your marbles off
while I think of something?
Fair enough.
Oh, and you're going to join Sam's Club.
They really don't have the inventory
but okay.
♪ Had me fighting for air ♪
♪ She told me to come ♪
♪ But I was already there ♪
♪ The walls start shaking ♪
♪ The earth was quaking ♪
♪ My mind was aching ♪
♪ We were making it ♪♪
This is actually turning out
to be a really nice Valentine's Day.
♪ Knocked me out I said you ♪
♪ Shook me all night long ♪
[instrumental music]
Want a little more champagne?
No, thank you.
Well, it's chilled if you want it.
- How about another cookie? - Better not.
I had one small bite of
about 140 chocolates earlier.
Tell me about it. I ate a whole cake yesterday.
- Happy Valentine's Day, Mike. - Happy Valentine's Day, Molly.
Oh, we're rounding the corner.
Here comes the head winds again.
♪ Shook me all night long ♪♪
[theme music]