Look at us. Having dinner at the table.
Facin' each other instead of just shoveling down takeout
in front of the TV.
It's nice, huh?
Based on your tone, I'm assuming
you want me to say yes.
[chuckles]
I'm kidding. It's great. There's no distractions.
Just me and my lady enjoying a civilized dinner
and conversing about our day.
- Kind of romantic. - Very romantic.
Is this gonna be an every night kinda deal
or is it just an odd experiment
to see if we can actually do it?
You know, Mike, it's important for us
to stay connected with each other.
Sex is not the only way to express intimacy.
I agree. It's certainly the best way.
Mostly because we always know when we're done.
Well, I always know when-when I'm done.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's forget about the dishes
and let's go out and do something fun.
- Right now? - Yeah, right now.
Me and you, let's just get in the car
and see where the night takes us.
I was kinda hopin' the night was gonna take us
to your nice comfy couch.
Come on, we live in one of the greatest cities
in the world.
Let's go explore it.
Or we could snuggle up on the couch
and eat low-fat bugles off of each other's fingertips.
Sexy!
- Don't be such a load. - What do you want from me?
I already put on my loosey-goosey sweatpants.
I know, I've been looking at those sweatpants
for almost two weeks now.
Hey, maybe we can toss 'em in the washer
while we go out.
You can't wash 'em you'll shrink the loosey
out of 'em, and then they're just goosey.
Come on, get changed and let's go do somethin'.
God, I'm not really up for going out.
I had a pretty tough day at work.
What happened? Shootout, bank robbery?
Carl step in gum again?
You joke, but an officer of the law stepping in
a wad of Hubba Bubba can be the split second
a criminal needs to make his getaway.
Whoa, what are you two doing standing up after 6 o'clock?
Is the couch on fire?
[Joyce] 'Guess where we're goin'?'
Vince is taking me to see Peaches and Herb
at the Schaumburg Hyatt.
It's the original Herb, but it's Peaches number six.
I don't know where those Peaches are disappearing to
but somebody might wanna take a shovel to Herb's backyard.
He made the same joke about Gladys Knight killing the Pips.
- Goodnight. - You guys have fun.
And when you get home, don't put the chain on the door
'cause Mike and I might be out pretty late.
Molly, look, a squirrel on water skis.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[man on TV] 'The resilient villagers'
'return once more'
'to till their arid soil.'
Oh! What tragic lives some people lead.
[snoring]
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
When will we learn?
- You fell asleep. - No, I didn't.
So, you saw the whole thing about the migrating geese?
Yes, and I found it heartbreaking.
There were no geese!
So, you tricked me? Congratulations.
You outwitted a sleepin' man.
Mike, I can't sit on that couch anymore
watching TV.
Uh, let's go do something fun this weekend.
- Me and you. - I'm in.
- Really? - Whatever you wanna do.
Great, so how about we drive downstate
to a nice little B and B?
Bed and breakfast? Are you out of your mind?
You said whatever I wanna do.
Within reason, I don't wanna share a toilet
with a house full of strangers.
It means the seat's always warm.
Plus, there's usually some mangy cat with a bent tail
rubbing its anus on your leg.
Okay, forget the bed and breakfast.
How about..
...we drive up to Wisconsin, hm?
Rent a cabin by the lake?
You know, big fireplace..
...snuggling under a blanket
sippin' hot chocolate.
Ah.
What is the problem this time, princess, huh?
The fireplace? Wisconsin?
I know it's not the chocolate!
Oh, you felt the need to go there, huh?
Real mature.
[instrumental music]
What's wrong with you this mornin'?
- Nothing, why? - You're playing with your food.
A-and you don't ever play with your food.
Sometimes he does lay his sausages in a neat little row.
Yeah, but that's more like lining up logs
before you jam 'em in a wood chipper.
I think Molly's getting restless.
- What do you mean "restless"? - I don't know.
From what I can gather
I'm not taking her outside enough.
Well, I told you, when you got a girlfriend
you'd have to walk her at least three times a day.
Otherwise, they go crazy and start chewing up
the furniture and draggin' their little butts
across the carpet.
That's why you gotta get two of them.
That way they could play with each other.
I mean, I don't get it. Everything you'd want is inside.
Food, shelter, sex.
What else do you need?
I'd settle for two of the three.
Give me a strange hand on my crotch
and a bag of skittles and I would live in a pothole.
I don't think Molly understands how hard I work.
I put my life on the line every day.
I need some down time.
Yep, that's what I tell grandma.
When I get home from work, I need to decompress.
- Some me time. - That's right.
Don't be yelling at me to shovel the drive
or pull a dead rat out of the rain gutter.
I mean, why didn't she grab that thing when she was up there
taking down the Christmas lights?
Exactly, we spend all day every day fighting crime
to keep the streets safe for them.
We're like Batman, and when Batman comes home
you don't ask him to clean the garage or unclog the toilet
because his bat grandma can't process dairy.
I don't know what I'm gonna do, Carl.
I gave Molly my A-game when we first started dating
but I can't keep up that level of charm.
I'm only one man.
Hm, well, I could argue otherwise, but..
Maybe all you need to do is shake it up a little.
Show her that you're making an effort.
Aw, does this mean I'm gonna have to go out?
- Not at all. - Alright, I'm listening.
Instead of letting her make you dinner
and serve it to you on the couch
you show up with dinner
and serve it to her on the couch.
You're still eating dinner on the couch
but in her mind you have wined and dined her.
- That's all it takes? - That's it.
Just do a couple of little things
she doesn't expect you to do
and then she'll forget all about the big nasty things
you don't wanna do.
- That makes sense. - I'm telling you.
I may have combed out a few old lady wigs in my day
but I ain't never plucked a dead rat
out of a rain gutter.
[woman on TV] 'The diet of the North American'
'brown bear consists mostly'
'of salmon, berries, legumes and pine nuts.'
Yogi doesn't eat that.
Yogi eats picnic baskets.
Six pounds.
I've gained almost six pounds
since Mike and I started dating.
It's probably just your hibernation weight
'you'll lose that as soon as the spring thaw rolls around.'
We've just turned into this old, married couple.
I mean, he never wants to go out anymore.
I can't even get him off the sofa.
Well, you've already mated with him
so he has no reason to stand on his hind legs
or fling a half-eaten salmon at your feet.
- Turn off the bear show. - Sorry.
All I'm saying is once a guy knows you're a sure thing
there's no reason for him to try anymore.
- You know what? - Mm-hm?
I'm not just gonna sit around
and wait for him to take me out.
If I wanna go do something fun
I am gonna do something fun.
- Right on, sister! - I am gonna tear it up!
Whoo!
You wanna come with me?
I-I don't wanna go by myself.
[door bell ringing]
Oh, good Lord, I just saw my girlfriend's mom naked.
What are you doing looking in the window?
I'm sorry, I didn't think anybody would be
having sex on the stairs.
Well, if you're writing a book, it started in the laundry room.
Hey, Mike. What a surprise.
I was just making popcorn.
Save it, doll. He saw us on the stairs.
Honestly, from the window, it just looked like a bad fall.
Alright, state your business.
Those Viagras are 11 bucks a pop.
Hush up, Vince, you got another three hours on that thing.
Hey, I'm gonna be asleep in about 30 minutes
after that, you can pound nails with it for all I care.
I'm looking for Molly. Is she home?
If she was, would I be doing her mom on the staircase.
While you watched from the window
getting your jollies?
She and Victoria went out for the night.
Really?
We always spend Friday nights together.
And I brought over Thai food.
- Ooh, that sounds good. - Yeah, I could eat.
I'll give you 20 bucks for the whole shebang.
Forty if you promise to stay away from the window
for the rest of the night.
Just take it.
What do you say you throw me another high hard one
and then we eat the spring rolls?
- Works for me. - Hm.
[laughing]
Oh, God, I forgot how great it feels
to go out on a Friday night.
Work week is done, papers are graded
mama is ready to party.
You go, girl!
Oh, I still have to buy foam board and 30 glue sticks
for Monday's art project.
But I ain't doing it tonight.
'Cause it's time to party!
I am gonna write myself just a little reminder
so I don't forget about that foam...board.
Whoo!
Good idea, 'cause we're gonna get wasted tonight.
- Oh! - Yeah!
I mean, Probably not wasted, but I think I see
a couple glasses of Chardonnay in my future.
[cell phone ringing]
Oh!
Uh-oh, Grandpa Mike.
What's up?
Oh, just hanging with my sister.
Uh-huh. Oh, really?
You just dropped by assuming I'd be there?
Bummer for you.
Well, I don't know.
Could go pretty late, it's Friday night.
Whoo!
Do it again. Do it again.
Whoo!
Victoria, chill.
I'm trying to talk on the phone.
Sorry. She's pretty amped.
Yes, I said amped.
Uh, listen, we're getting ready to head into the club.
Ladies, I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Just kidding.
Gotta-gotta go. I'll call you.
Oh, God, look at me playin' hard to get.
I don't think I have ever done that.
I tried it once.
But I was completely naked at the time
so the dude called my bluff.
[Nana] 'Who the hell's beatin' on my door?'
Nana, it's me, Mike.
Oh, hey, Michael. Carlton's not home.
- Goodnight, baby. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Not home? Where did he go?
Oh, I don't keep tabs on him. He's a grown man.
But he does like hot wings and big, fake boobies
if that helps narrow it down.
Strip club.
I don't think he was folding up dollar bills
to put in the church collection plate.
Now if you'll excuse me, Brother Heywood stopped by
for pie and coffee.
Oh, uh, what kinda pie?
The kind of pie that two consenting adults
enjoy alone in the privacy of their own home.
Oh, man, I am two for two.
So's Brother Heywood. Goodnight, Michael.
I mean, I'm a doer. I've always been a doer.
In high school, French club, chess club, drama club
band, jazz band, marching band, student council
editor of the school paper, French club..
Did I already say French club?
- Yes, you did. - Um. Excusez-moi.
You might wanna slow down on those Red Bulls.
The point is, I'm an active person, a go-getter.
Remember? I backpacked through Europe one summer.
All by myself, okay it wasn't the whole summer.
But it was two and a half weeks.
The point is that I have an adventurous soul
I'm like Amelia Earhart.
Or that woman that lives with the gorillas
I can't think of her name.
Sigourney Weaver played her in the movie.
- I loved her in Ghostbusters. - She was fantastic.
Funny, sexy, quirky.
See, that's who I am.
I'm fun, and I've always been fun.
You don't keep a fun gal like me at home.
You take her out, you show her around.
Red light!
[both laughing]
That was fun. Wasn't that fun?
I might have peed a little.
[laughing]
Oh, me too!
Molly, it's Mike. Where are you?
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the music.
Oh, great, yeah, I'm glad
you're having a good time.
Me? I'm having a ball.
No, I don't know where you ball is.
Look under the couch.
So I guess I'll see you when I see you.
Hello?
I threw a load of your whites in the dryer
I had to spray some extra zout on your pit stains
looks like you were sweating mustard.
Thanks.
So where's your little girlfriend tonight?
She wanted some time to herself.
Oh. Time to herself.
Well, you two had a good run.
Nothing you can do when the love bus
goes off the cliff.
No, it's nothing like that.
She just thinks we don't go out enough.
Why does she need to go out?
You guys are in a committed relationship now.
The music has stopped, grab a chair.
My point exactly, she doesn't understand
that I work hard every day
and when I come home I need to unwind.
You know, your father and I never went out.
We'd eat every meal right here in front of the TV.
- Every meal? - Yep.
As long as we had three squares and Barnaby Jones
we didn't need a lot of jibber-jabber.
So that's all you guys did was sit
on the couch together and watch TV?
Well, eventually your father bought a second TV
and watched it down in the basement.
So I'd leave his dinner, on the top step
and ring a little bell for him to come get it.
That's horrible. Why don't I remember that?
Oh, that was before you were born.
After you came along, we started to drift apart.
Mom, would you be terribly hurt if I--
- Get out of here. - Thanks, mom.
That lit a fire under his ass, didn't it, Jim.
[party music]
- This place is fantastic! - Yeah, great music.
Plus, you don't have to worry about any
of the guys hitting on you.
Right.
You know, 'cause they're all gay.
Yeah, I gathered that.
Another good thing, no lines in the ladies bathroom.
Occasionally you'll walk in on something very disturbing
but you just do your business and get out as quick as you can.
Excuse me, gentlemen. How are you?
Excuse me, pardon me. Nice to see you.
That's a hell of a mustache.
Molly!
No, no, I'm not dancing.
- Mike! - Molly.
That's my girlfriend. I'm with her.
Coming through. Nice nipple ring.
That had to hurt.
Detective Nelson.
I'm gonna assume you're undercover.
- Molly. - What are you doing here?
I came to tell you I'm sorry.
And I don't wanna end up sitting in the basement
waiting on the dinner bell.
I don't know what that means.
It means I don't ever wanna take you for granted
and if you wanna go out, we'll go out.
We are out.
Seriously?
Dance with me, big boy.
I'm not really much of a dancer.
- Consider it foreplay. - Sold.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
Please tell me that was you that just grabbed my ass.
The first one's free. Next one's gonna cost you.
I think the problem, Jeffrey
is you're taking Steven for granted.
I mean, yes, you're a doctor
and that's a very demanding job
but he works, too.
He's on his feet all day long at the salon
and at night, he still cares enough about you
to cram those things into those size 12 peekaboo pumps.
- Ten and a half. - Okay.
I know better than to argue with a lady
about her shoe size.
- Mike, you ready to go home? - Oh sure, sweetie.
That's my girlfriend. You know how it is.
- Well, you know how it is. - Mike.
- Nice to meet you guys. - You comin' back tomorrow?
It's Cowboy and Indian night.
Ooh, it's Cowboy and Indian night.
We'll talk about it in the car.
I can wear my boots.
Might be nice to stay home tomorrow night.
Aw, come on, you never wanna do anything.
Hey, how would you feel about me growing a mustache?
Sure. Maybe get a nipple ring.
'Someplace to hang your dry cleaning.'
[theme music]