[Mike] 'I'm not gonna make it over tonight, sweetie.'
Yeah, I got to pull another double shift.
The snowstorm's left us shorthanded
and somebody's gotta keep the city
from crumbling into anarchy and mob rule.
Hand me the Pringles.
No, no. The Ranch.
I'll see you tomorrow when I get off of work.
I love you too.
Poor thing. She really misses me.
Well, life with a police officer is a life of sacrifice.
That's why I've chosen not to enter into a relationship.
Isn't fair to the woman.
I see, it's got nothing to do
with her being unwilling to climb in your window
after your grandma falls asleep.
Hey, if a woman's not willing to shimmy up a drainpipe
to get a little taste of Carl McMillan
then she's too full of herself, anyway.
You know what?
If we're gonna be here for a while
I'm gonna kick my shoes off.
Uh-uh. Leave those nasty things on.
I don't want to be breathing your stanky foot funk.
Hey, my socks got soaking wet pushing that car
out of the ditch and I don't wanna catch a cold.
So you're gonna air 'em out over the heating vents?
You might as well just stick your toes in my nostrils.
And besides, I told you to wear your galoshes today.
I don't like the galoshes.
They compromise the dignity of the uniform.
Right, kind of like that big glob of pickle relish
you got on your badge.
It's salsa.
Regardless, I'd prefer you to leave your shoes on.
It's bad enough to be smelling your breath
armpits and backside.
We don't need to be adding the smell of your feet
and my vomit to the mix.
Hey, I hate to tell you this, but after a double shift
you're not exactly a romp in a flowery meadow.
Hey, every time we've stopped for coffee
I have brushed my teeth, washed my face
and splashed on a couple a drops of my signature scent.
Yeah, let's talk about your signature scent.
What is it, exactly?
'Cause it smells like the inside of a hamster cage.
That's the cedar bark.
It also contains sandalwood
clove and a hint of jasmine.
But I'm guessing those aromatic subtleties are lost
on a man who has two blocks of parmesan cheese for feet.
Fine, let's stop at a drugstore and I'll buy some new socks.
You need to buy some new feet.
You know what? Screw it. The shoes are comin' off.
Oh, then I'm opening all the windows.
Fine. It's ten below.
We'll both just freeze to death.
I'd rather freeze to death than die
from a bad case of parmesan foot lung.
Hey, whatever. Doesn't bother me.
Doesn't bother me, either.
Hey, I like the cold. Turn on the air conditioner.
- 'Don't think I won't.' - 'Do it.'
[Carl] I'm gonna!
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
What are you doing? It's ten below out here!
Well, it's 4:59 in here, and we don't open until 5:00.
You know, we have a battering ram in the car.
And I've got French toast in the back, so play nice.
[knock on door]
Come on!
[knock on door]
Morning, gentleman. Do you have a reservation?
- I don't wanna sit here. - Why not?
It's too close to the door. I prefer a booth.
Fine, we'll do whatever you want, like we always do.
Oh, really? We always do what I want?
That's why we got to listen to bluegrass music
on the drive home every night?
It's not bluegrass, it's roots music.
They ain't my roots.
Just a bunch of hillbillies with banjos
complainin' about the train being late.
♪ Where's that train She's on that train ♪
♪ I missed that train train train train ♪♪
If you don't like my choice in music
get another ride to work.
It wasn't my idea to carpool.
Well, I thought it would save you a little money
with both of us paying for gas.
And it would, if we were both actually paying for gas.
Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants
are like Superman and Clark Kent.
Never in the same place at the same time.
I'm not going to apologize to you for being frugal.
Frugal, you live rent-free at your grandma's house
and she even cuts your hair.
Cutting my hair brings that old woman a lot of joy.
Besides, nana cuts the straightest lines in town.
I'd be a fool to bring my business elsewhere.
Seriously though, don't you think it's a little weird
a grown man living with his grandmother?
Hey, I don't live with her, she lives with me.
- In her house. - Yes.
Which I'll inherit when she dies.
And as long as we're asking the tough questions
let my ask you something.
- How are you so-- - Fat?
Is that what you want to know, smart guy?
No, actually, I was gonna say bull-headed.
I spend all day in a car with you.
I know why you're so fat.
You know, just because I'm overweight
you think you're better than me.
Not at everything.
Just foot racin', swimmin'
climbin', gettin' in the car
gettin' out of the car,
pickin' up a quarter pushin' a plate away.
That's it! I'm switchin' tables!
Oh and deny me your witty conversation
and brilliant repartee?
Hey! I'm done talking to you.
I was done talking to you first.
You always got to get the last word in, huh?
Sure as hell not going to get the last doughnut.
Oh, good.
Spread the crappy tip over two tables.
[instrumental music]
I hope the lasagna's okay. It's all fat-free.
I used three different types of cheeses
and diced up fresh tomatoes and garlic for the sauce.
It's fine.
Well, that's what I was shooting for.
Fine.
Last chance to throw in and dandy
just to keep a girl from hangin' herself.
What? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's great and I really appreciate you
going to all the trouble.
Well, you've been working really hard lately.
So do criminals actually venture out in this kind of weather?
Not really, today was mostly assisting stranded motorists
and helpin' an old lady chip her frozen cat out of a tree.
Oh, my God. Please tell me that didn't actually happen.
I wish I could.
We ended up just sawing off the whole branch
and leaving it on her porch.
I, for one, appreciate the fact that there are
brave men like you out there protecting us.
I'll tell you, the real challenge
is being stuck in a car with Carl all day.
He's always pushing my buttons.
Picking away, trying to get my goat.
Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.
Well, the important thing is, you're here now
and-and we're together.
Hey, I had, uh, quite the adventure myself today.
We got this new vice principal--
You know what Carl was giving me a hard time about today?
- I don't. - My feet.
He said my feet smell like cheese.
Parmesan.
Yeah. But-but they don't, do they?
No. God, no.
I don't know how much longer I can put up with him.
I mean, he's really starting to drive me crazy.
I understand, but when you start
to feel yourself getting mad at him
just remember that he's tired
and overworked and probably just needs somebody to vent to.
So do I, but I choose not to. I suffer in silence.
True.
But if it gets too bad you have the option
of venting to me.
Oh, I would never do that. Our time together is precious.
Well, Carl's not the stoic rock
that you are, sweetie, and..
...he doesn't have a regular girlfriend and..
I know, I'm all he's got. Poor little loser.
Be patient with him. I mean, be the bigger man.
And-and when he starts to drive you crazy
just take a deep breath and try
and remember that you love him.
- It's not gonna be easy. - Trust me, it's not.
Now, is there anything I can do to take care
of my big, strong, hardworking man?
Boy, after dinner, I'd sure love a foot rub.
Oh, come on.
You can do better than that.
I said anything.
Please.
And just remember, if you do start to slide
don't panic and just turn into the skid.
Carl, I know how to operate a motor vehicle.
Mm-hmm. You scored a 62 on your police driver's test.
Give me a break. I knocked down one cone.
Yeah, and that one cone could have been an old lady or a baby.
How many babies you see just laying
in the middle of the road?
One is all it takes.
Not supposed to talk on your cell phone while you're driving.
I'll keep it short, okay?
The length of the call doesn't matter.
It's against the law in the city of Chicago.
Uh-huh. So is murder.
Hey, sweetie.
Just being in the car with you makes me an accessory.
Oh, yeah. That will be great.
Sounds like fun.
Very thoughtful. I could use a little break.
I love you too. I'll see you tonight.
What are you talking about, seeing her tonight?
I just signed us up for another double shift.
Well, I can't do it.
Molly wants to take me to the Drake Hotel
for a little in-town getaway.
Call her back and tell her you can't go.
I can't call her back.
It's against the law in the city of Chicago.
We're talking double golden time.
You don't just turn your back on that kind of money.
Well, I'm sorry, unlike you
I'm not ruled by the almighty dollar.
Yeah, you're ruled by the almighty girlfriend.
Hey, I do what I want. She's not the boss of me.
- Watch the road! - I am!
Uh-oh.
Turn it into it!
Turn into it.
Don't tell me how to drive!
What are you doing?
[screaming] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Hey, Carl, why don't you let me drive today?
That way, you can relax a little."
You distracted the driver of the vehicle.
We were having a conversation. I didn't throw a snake at you.
Why don't you just admit that you're a crappy driver?
I'm not going to let you get to me today, Carl.
You know why? Because I'm the bigger man here.
You're the bigger man everywhere.
You notice the car didn't tip over on my side.
Okay. You need to vent, go ahead.
But it's not gonna change the fact
that you're a loser and you need to get a life.
- Who you callin' a loser? - Molly was right about you.
You're lonely, you don't have a girlfriend.
You dump all your crap on me.
Oh, I see, so now you're
bad-mouthing me to your girlfriend now?
That's what you do when you're
in a healthy relationship.
But you wouldn't know that 'cause I'm all you've got.
And this is not healthy!
You know what? The hell with you!
I'm out of here.
Man, get off of me!
I wouldn't be on you if you didn't
put the car in a ditch!
- Shut up! - You shut up!
Boy, I hope he's okay.
What time was he supposed to pick you up?
- About an hour ago. - Did you try calling him?
Yeah, I'm just getting voicemail, and I can't listen
to "Devil Went Down To Georgia" one more time.
Maybe he's late because he had to stop
a bank heist or defuse a bomb.
I dated a cop once.
It happened to him all the time.
And it was weird, 'cause he was a mall cop.
It was weird, but I think we're straying from
the topic at hand.
We had a topic? Good for us!
I just hope this little weekend getaway
you know, helps relax him.
He's been so stressed out lately
and he just comes home and eats and dumps his day on me.
Mm, Vince does that to me constantly.
Well, how do you deal with it?
Well, I try to remember that men
are ruled by testosterone.
Which is essentially a poison.
So when you get that big, loud
mouth jabbering in your face
you just say to yourself
this is a sick individual.
He is suffering from semen brain.
Aw, mom.
I don't know what I'd do without your folksy wisdom.
Oh, my god, Mike, what happened?
I had a little car accident.
It's nothing, the paramedics
made me wear this thing.
Do you have whiplash?
'Cause that can be pretty serious.
No, nothing like that.
Carl stepped on my neck
climbing out of the car.
Ooh, look, they have a spa here.
Wouldn't it be fun to get a couples massage?
Hot oil, scented candles, romantic music.
Eh.
What do you mean, eh?
I don't like the idea of strangers touching me
laying naked on a table while some Ukrainian guy
uses my ass as a speed bag.
Okay, that's not how they describe it in the brochure.
Boy, he is never gonna let me forget
about putting that car in the ditch.
I can hear him now, You're a lousy driver!
You knocked down the cone! You killed the baby!
A 62 is still a very respectable score.
Okay, why don't we just forget about Carl for tonight.
I'm sure Monday morning, everything'll be back
to normal between you guys.
Oh, I don't know.
In the tow truck, he said he wanted a new
partner and you know what, fine by me.
Good riddance.
Why don't you just call him and settle this thing?
You'll feel so much better when you do.
And let him think that he's ruining our romantic getaway?
Ha! I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Yeah, but he kind of is.
Oh, no, he's not, I'm gonna take a nice, hot shower.
And when I come back, I'm gonna make sweet love
to my girlfriend, something Carl can't do
''cause Carl doesn't have a girlfriend'
'cause Carl's a loser, and I'm a winner.
So drop your drawers and assume the position
and get ready to makelove to a waiter!
Get ready to make love to a pillow.
Carlton!
You keep slamming doors and stomping around
and I'm coming up there with my King James bible
and a whippin' belt!
[doorbell dings]
Lord, give me patience or an untraceable handgun.
Hi. I'm not sure if you remember me--
You're Michael's little lady friend.
- Yeah. Molly. - Of course.
Come on in, baby.
Oh, don't tell me those two idiots
dragged you into this childishness.
Do you have any idea what they're fighting about?
'Cause Mike's not making any sense at all.
Well, whatever it is, I guarantee you it's stupid!
Sit down.
Last time they had a big fight like this
it was over Popeye's chicken versus Kentucky Fry.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
And that one could only be resolved
with a blind taste test.
Yeah, and after all that mess
they both ended up choosin' the other one's chicken.
How often do they have fights like this?
Couple times a year.
Usually during a cold snap or a heat wave.
They stay cooped up in that squad car too long
and start going at each other like two monkeys
havin' a poop fight.
What's going on down here?
Like he wasn't sitting on the top step
listening to every word.
Hey, Carl.
Look, if you're here to apologize
for your boyfriend, I'm not interested.
That's not why I'm here.
That man said some very hurtful things.
Malicious things, insinuating that I'm cheap.
Cheap, boy wears his underwear
until it disintegrates.
It's like trying to wash cobwebs.
Look, all I know is I'm trying
to have a romantic weekend with Mike and..
...all he can talk about is you.
Really?
Is that a source of pride for you
you masturbating knucklehead?
The boy's so cheap, he's got magazines
dating back to pubic hair.
Okay, well..
Let's not open that can of worms, but, uh..
Look, I was just hoping that you guys could
well, work this out.
You heard her.
Pick up the phone right now
and put an end to this mess.
Oh, just because he has a girlfriend
I'm the one that has to apologize?
No, you're gonna apologize
because it's the Christian thing to do.
And if you don't, I'm gonna part your behind
like it's the red sea and my foot is Moses!
You know what? I don't have to stand here and take this!
Alright, sit down if you want 'cause I'm just warming up.
[laughing]
A man should be treated with more respect in his own house.
Well, if you ever get one
and I'm ever in it, I'll do that.
Do you have somewhere you need to get to
or would you like to have a cup of tea?
I'd love a cup of tea.
Alright, comin' right up.
[knock on door]
Molly?
Where you been? Did you forget your key?
Ah!
Sending your girlfriend to fight your fights for you now, huh?
What are you talking about? Molly went to your house?
Don't act surprised, it belittles us both.
Hey, I had no idea she was gonna go over there.
You know, we used to settle our quarrels
man to man, face to face
and with the occasional blind taste test.
But none of this sending a woman over to a friend's house
singing sad songs of erectile dysfunction.
- She didn't do that. - Yeah, she did.
Hey, soon as I got out of the shower
I was gonna give it to her good.
Well, I'm just telling you what she said.
She told me and my grandma that you couldn't perform
your manly duties because you were thinking about me.
Really, I sent Molly to tell you and your grandma
that I couldn't deliver the mail.
Does that sound like a good plan to you?
Well, that's why I came here to discuss it with you.
I thought it was ill-advised.
Man, I don't know what's in her head lately.
I mean, I know she's been missing me
but I had no idea she'd go rogue.
Yeah, we should probably minimize these double shifts
so she doesn't go completely off the deep end.
I'm sorry if she upset you.
It was just startling more than anything.
Man, this room is nice.
Yeah, there's a Jacuzzi tub
a phone and a TV in the crapper.
Minibar?
Fully stocked, except for
the peanut, M&Ms and Toblerone.
Oh, man, Saint Pauli girl.
Grab two, we'll watch the new Russell Crowe movie.
I can't remember the last time we went
to a movie together.
I do, it was "Avatar."
I paid, 'cause you left your wallet at home.
Fine, I'll give you the money right now.
- Forget it, it's my treat. - Ah..
Hey, look, we could get a couples massage.
Hot oil, scented candles.
We could also adopt a Chinese baby.
Let's start with the movie and see where it goes.
This is nice.
Next time I get a regular girlfriend
Imma bring her here.
You should, these little getaways
are important for a relationship.
Oh.
Carl, you're here.
Looks like you made up.
Maybe a little more than I'm comfortable with.
Uh, we were just watchin' a movie.
You want to join us? We could scooch over.
No. You boys enjoy yourself.
I'm gonna take a hot shower and by the time
I get out, I want this side
of the bed to be empty.
Got it.
You landed a good one there, man.
Yeah, she's a sweetheart.
The second you hear that water turn off
you'd better have your ass in the elevator.
[theme music]