1 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,831 [Mike] 'I'm not gonna make it over tonight, sweetie.' 2 00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:08,312 Yeah, I got to pull another double shift. 3 00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,053 The snowstorm's left us shorthanded 4 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,489 and somebody's gotta keep the city 5 00:00:11,576 --> 00:00:14,318 from crumbling into anarchy and mob rule. 6 00:00:14,405 --> 00:00:16,842 Hand me the Pringles. 7 00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:19,889 No, no. The Ranch. 8 00:00:19,976 --> 00:00:21,543 I'll see you tomorrow when I get off of work. 9 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:23,632 I love you too. 10 00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:25,547 Poor thing. She really misses me. 11 00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:28,593 Well, life with a police officer is a life of sacrifice. 12 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,726 That's why I've chosen not to enter into a relationship. 13 00:00:30,813 --> 00:00:33,163 Isn't fair to the woman. 14 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,599 I see, it's got nothing to do 15 00:00:34,686 --> 00:00:36,645 with her being unwilling to climb in your window 16 00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:39,126 after your grandma falls asleep. 17 00:00:39,213 --> 00:00:41,476 Hey, if a woman's not willing to shimmy up a drainpipe 18 00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:42,912 to get a little taste of Carl McMillan 19 00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:45,567 then she's too full of herself, anyway. 20 00:00:45,654 --> 00:00:46,916 You know what? 21 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:48,135 If we're gonna be here for a while 22 00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:49,440 I'm gonna kick my shoes off. 23 00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:51,573 Uh-uh. Leave those nasty things on. 24 00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:54,489 I don't want to be breathing your stanky foot funk. 25 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,578 Hey, my socks got soaking wet pushing that car 26 00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,319 out of the ditch and I don't wanna catch a cold. 27 00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,234 So you're gonna air 'em out over the heating vents? 28 00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:03,846 You might as well just stick your toes in my nostrils. 29 00:01:03,933 --> 00:01:05,761 And besides, I told you to wear your galoshes today. 30 00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,110 I don't like the galoshes. 31 00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:09,243 They compromise the dignity of the uniform. 32 00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,506 Right, kind of like that big glob of pickle relish 33 00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:13,464 you got on your badge. 34 00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,773 It's salsa. 35 00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,559 Regardless, I'd prefer you to leave your shoes on. 36 00:01:21,646 --> 00:01:22,995 It's bad enough to be smelling your breath 37 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,606 armpits and backside. 38 00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:25,998 We don't need to be adding the smell of your feet 39 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,000 and my vomit to the mix. 40 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,264 Hey, I hate to tell you this, but after a double shift 41 00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:32,570 you're not exactly a romp in a flowery meadow. 42 00:01:32,657 --> 00:01:34,398 Hey, every time we've stopped for coffee 43 00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:36,139 I have brushed my teeth, washed my face 44 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:38,489 and splashed on a couple a drops of my signature scent. 45 00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:40,796 Yeah, let's talk about your signature scent. 46 00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:42,363 What is it, exactly? 47 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:44,974 'Cause it smells like the inside of a hamster cage. 48 00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:46,889 That's the cedar bark. 49 00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:48,543 It also contains sandalwood 50 00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:50,110 clove and a hint of jasmine. 51 00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,112 But I'm guessing those aromatic subtleties are lost 52 00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:54,375 on a man who has two blocks of parmesan cheese for feet. 53 00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:58,901 Fine, let's stop at a drugstore and I'll buy some new socks. 54 00:01:58,988 --> 00:02:01,382 You need to buy some new feet. 55 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:03,384 You know what? Screw it. The shoes are comin' off. 56 00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:04,994 Oh, then I'm opening all the windows. 57 00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:06,169 Fine. It's ten below. 58 00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:07,562 We'll both just freeze to death. 59 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,085 I'd rather freeze to death than die 60 00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:11,000 from a bad case of parmesan foot lung. 61 00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:12,480 Hey, whatever. Doesn't bother me. 62 00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:13,959 Doesn't bother me, either. 63 00:02:14,046 --> 00:02:15,787 Hey, I like the cold. Turn on the air conditioner. 64 00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:17,093 - 'Don't think I won't.' - 'Do it.' 65 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,616 [Carl] I'm gonna! 66 00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:23,969 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 67 00:02:24,056 --> 00:02:27,190 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 68 00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:31,107 [instrumental music] 69 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,074 [knock on door] 70 00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:48,342 What are you doing? It's ten below out here! 71 00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:51,475 Well, it's 4:59 in here, and we don't open until 5:00. 72 00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,697 You know, we have a battering ram in the car. 73 00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:58,482 And I've got French toast in the back, so play nice. 74 00:03:00,789 --> 00:03:03,661 [knock on door] 75 00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:13,454 Come on! 76 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,156 [knock on door] 77 00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:32,255 Morning, gentleman. Do you have a reservation? 78 00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:38,043 - I don't wanna sit here. - Why not? 79 00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:39,741 It's too close to the door. I prefer a booth. 80 00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:42,570 Fine, we'll do whatever you want, like we always do. 81 00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:44,136 Oh, really? We always do what I want? 82 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,747 That's why we got to listen to bluegrass music 83 00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,139 on the drive home every night? 84 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,185 It's not bluegrass, it's roots music. 85 00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:51,622 They ain't my roots. 86 00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:53,363 Just a bunch of hillbillies with banjos 87 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:56,627 complainin' about the train being late. 88 00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:58,325 ♪ Where's that train She's on that train ♪ 89 00:03:58,412 --> 00:04:01,806 ♪ I missed that train train train train ♪♪ 90 00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:03,243 If you don't like my choice in music 91 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,287 get another ride to work. 92 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:05,723 It wasn't my idea to carpool. 93 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,072 Well, I thought it would save you a little money 94 00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,813 with both of us paying for gas. 95 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:11,381 And it would, if we were both actually paying for gas. 96 00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,035 Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants 97 00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:14,515 are like Superman and Clark Kent. 98 00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,908 Never in the same place at the same time. 99 00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,304 I'm not going to apologize to you for being frugal. 100 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:24,002 Frugal, you live rent-free at your grandma's house 101 00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:25,482 and she even cuts your hair. 102 00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:28,529 Cutting my hair brings that old woman a lot of joy. 103 00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:30,661 Besides, nana cuts the straightest lines in town. 104 00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:32,707 I'd be a fool to bring my business elsewhere. 105 00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:34,578 Seriously though, don't you think it's a little weird 106 00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:36,188 a grown man living with his grandmother? 107 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,929 Hey, I don't live with her, she lives with me. 108 00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:39,235 - In her house. - Yes. 109 00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:41,281 Which I'll inherit when she dies. 110 00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,024 And as long as we're asking the tough questions 111 00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:47,156 let my ask you something. 112 00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:48,636 - How are you so-- - Fat? 113 00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:50,028 Is that what you want to know, smart guy? 114 00:04:50,115 --> 00:04:51,813 No, actually, I was gonna say bull-headed. 115 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:52,944 I spend all day in a car with you. 116 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,903 I know why you're so fat. 117 00:04:57,949 --> 00:04:59,516 You know, just because I'm overweight 118 00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:00,561 you think you're better than me. 119 00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:01,866 Not at everything. 120 00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:03,085 Just foot racin', swimmin' 121 00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,216 climbin', gettin' in the car 122 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,870 gettin' out of the car, 123 00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:07,829 pickin' up a quarter pushin' a plate away. 124 00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,876 That's it! I'm switchin' tables! 125 00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:13,748 Oh and deny me your witty conversation 126 00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:14,879 and brilliant repartee? 127 00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:16,272 Hey! I'm done talking to you. 128 00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:18,056 I was done talking to you first. 129 00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:19,884 You always got to get the last word in, huh? 130 00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,843 Sure as hell not going to get the last doughnut. 131 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:27,588 Oh, good. 132 00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:30,286 Spread the crappy tip over two tables. 133 00:05:33,376 --> 00:05:36,031 [instrumental music] 134 00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:38,729 I hope the lasagna's okay. It's all fat-free. 135 00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:40,992 I used three different types of cheeses 136 00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:44,344 and diced up fresh tomatoes and garlic for the sauce. 137 00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:45,519 It's fine. 138 00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:49,218 Well, that's what I was shooting for. 139 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,438 Fine. 140 00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:53,657 Last chance to throw in and dandy 141 00:05:53,744 --> 00:05:56,094 just to keep a girl from hangin' herself. 142 00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,141 What? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. 143 00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,534 It's great and I really appreciate you 144 00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:02,100 going to all the trouble. 145 00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:04,407 Well, you've been working really hard lately. 146 00:06:04,494 --> 00:06:07,279 So do criminals actually venture out in this kind of weather? 147 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,152 Not really, today was mostly assisting stranded motorists 148 00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:14,199 and helpin' an old lady chip her frozen cat out of a tree. 149 00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:16,288 Oh, my God. Please tell me that didn't actually happen. 150 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,638 I wish I could. 151 00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,204 We ended up just sawing off the whole branch 152 00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:21,206 and leaving it on her porch. 153 00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:24,993 I, for one, appreciate the fact that there are 154 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,169 brave men like you out there protecting us. 155 00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:28,475 I'll tell you, the real challenge 156 00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:30,694 is being stuck in a car with Carl all day. 157 00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,348 He's always pushing my buttons. 158 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,871 Picking away, trying to get my goat. 159 00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,830 Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick. 160 00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,790 Well, the important thing is, you're here now 161 00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,749 and-and we're together. 162 00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:51,541 Hey, I had, uh, quite the adventure myself today. 163 00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:53,151 We got this new vice principal-- 164 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:55,458 You know what Carl was giving me a hard time about today? 165 00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,721 - I don't. - My feet. 166 00:06:57,808 --> 00:06:59,854 He said my feet smell like cheese. 167 00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:00,855 Parmesan. 168 00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,644 Yeah. But-but they don't, do they? 169 00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:13,520 No. God, no. 170 00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,175 I don't know how much longer I can put up with him. 171 00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:19,439 I mean, he's really starting to drive me crazy. 172 00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,266 I understand, but when you start 173 00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:22,790 to feel yourself getting mad at him 174 00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:24,661 just remember that he's tired 175 00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:28,099 and overworked and probably just needs somebody to vent to. 176 00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:31,451 So do I, but I choose not to. I suffer in silence. 177 00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:34,149 True. 178 00:07:36,281 --> 00:07:37,674 But if it gets too bad you have the option 179 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,284 of venting to me. 180 00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:42,026 Oh, I would never do that. Our time together is precious. 181 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,771 Well, Carl's not the stoic rock 182 00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:50,470 that you are, sweetie, and.. 183 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,341 ...he doesn't have a regular girlfriend and.. 184 00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:55,170 I know, I'm all he's got. Poor little loser. 185 00:07:56,911 --> 00:08:00,131 Be patient with him. I mean, be the bigger man. 186 00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:01,872 And-and when he starts to drive you crazy 187 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:04,962 just take a deep breath and try 188 00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:08,270 and remember that you love him. 189 00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,707 - It's not gonna be easy. - Trust me, it's not. 190 00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:16,974 Now, is there anything I can do to take care 191 00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:19,194 of my big, strong, hardworking man? 192 00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,544 Boy, after dinner, I'd sure love a foot rub. 193 00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:28,943 Oh, come on. 194 00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:30,901 You can do better than that. 195 00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:35,340 I said anything. 196 00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:37,865 Please. 197 00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,002 And just remember, if you do start to slide 198 00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:47,918 don't panic and just turn into the skid. 199 00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:50,138 Carl, I know how to operate a motor vehicle. 200 00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,836 Mm-hmm. You scored a 62 on your police driver's test. 201 00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,795 Give me a break. I knocked down one cone. 202 00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:56,840 Yeah, and that one cone could have been an old lady or a baby. 203 00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:58,450 How many babies you see just laying 204 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,062 in the middle of the road? 205 00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,020 One is all it takes. 206 00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,503 Not supposed to talk on your cell phone while you're driving. 207 00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:08,896 I'll keep it short, okay? 208 00:09:08,983 --> 00:09:10,245 The length of the call doesn't matter. 209 00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:11,638 It's against the law in the city of Chicago. 210 00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,988 Uh-huh. So is murder. 211 00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:15,555 Hey, sweetie. 212 00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,861 Just being in the car with you makes me an accessory. 213 00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:20,516 Oh, yeah. That will be great. 214 00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,431 Sounds like fun. 215 00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:26,261 Very thoughtful. I could use a little break. 216 00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:29,612 I love you too. I'll see you tonight. 217 00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,005 What are you talking about, seeing her tonight? 218 00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,223 I just signed us up for another double shift. 219 00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:33,660 Well, I can't do it. 220 00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:34,922 Molly wants to take me to the Drake Hotel 221 00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,358 for a little in-town getaway. 222 00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:37,533 Call her back and tell her you can't go. 223 00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:38,882 I can't call her back. 224 00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:42,407 It's against the law in the city of Chicago. 225 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:43,974 We're talking double golden time. 226 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,410 You don't just turn your back on that kind of money. 227 00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:46,847 Well, I'm sorry, unlike you 228 00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,588 I'm not ruled by the almighty dollar. 229 00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:50,241 Yeah, you're ruled by the almighty girlfriend. 230 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,679 Hey, I do what I want. She's not the boss of me. 231 00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:54,245 - Watch the road! - I am! 232 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:55,899 Uh-oh. 233 00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:58,206 Turn it into it! 234 00:09:58,293 --> 00:09:59,511 Turn into it. 235 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,209 Don't tell me how to drive! 236 00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,341 What are you doing? 237 00:10:03,428 --> 00:10:05,300 [screaming] Whoa, whoa, whoa. 238 00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:20,576 "Hey, Carl, why don't you let me drive today? 239 00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:23,144 That way, you can relax a little." 240 00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,363 You distracted the driver of the vehicle. 241 00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,584 We were having a conversation. I didn't throw a snake at you. 242 00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:31,326 Why don't you just admit that you're a crappy driver? 243 00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:32,980 I'm not going to let you get to me today, Carl. 244 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,982 You know why? Because I'm the bigger man here. 245 00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:37,114 You're the bigger man everywhere. 246 00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:40,030 You notice the car didn't tip over on my side. 247 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,728 Okay. You need to vent, go ahead. 248 00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:43,294 But it's not gonna change the fact 249 00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:45,035 that you're a loser and you need to get a life. 250 00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:47,298 - Who you callin' a loser? - Molly was right about you. 251 00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:48,735 You're lonely, you don't have a girlfriend. 252 00:10:48,822 --> 00:10:50,258 You dump all your crap on me. 253 00:10:50,345 --> 00:10:51,520 Oh, I see, so now you're 254 00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:52,869 bad-mouthing me to your girlfriend now? 255 00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,001 That's what you do when you're 256 00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:56,960 in a healthy relationship. 257 00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:59,354 But you wouldn't know that 'cause I'm all you've got. 258 00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:02,183 And this is not healthy! 259 00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,227 You know what? The hell with you! 260 00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:06,100 I'm out of here. 261 00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:07,362 Man, get off of me! 262 00:11:07,449 --> 00:11:08,406 I wouldn't be on you if you didn't 263 00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:09,538 put the car in a ditch! 264 00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,627 - Shut up! - You shut up! 265 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,593 Boy, I hope he's okay. 266 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,421 What time was he supposed to pick you up? 267 00:11:23,508 --> 00:11:25,859 - About an hour ago. - Did you try calling him? 268 00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:28,035 Yeah, I'm just getting voicemail, and I can't listen 269 00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:31,691 to "Devil Went Down To Georgia" one more time. 270 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,736 Maybe he's late because he had to stop 271 00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:36,913 a bank heist or defuse a bomb. 272 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,436 I dated a cop once. 273 00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:39,960 It happened to him all the time. 274 00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:42,440 And it was weird, 'cause he was a mall cop. 275 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,357 It was weird, but I think we're straying from 276 00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:48,185 the topic at hand. 277 00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:51,232 We had a topic? Good for us! 278 00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:55,236 I just hope this little weekend getaway 279 00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:56,628 you know, helps relax him. 280 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,718 He's been so stressed out lately 281 00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:02,025 and he just comes home and eats and dumps his day on me. 282 00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,375 Mm, Vince does that to me constantly. 283 00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:06,073 Well, how do you deal with it? 284 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,205 Well, I try to remember that men 285 00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:10,251 are ruled by testosterone. 286 00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,209 Which is essentially a poison. 287 00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:16,910 So when you get that big, loud 288 00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:18,825 mouth jabbering in your face 289 00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:20,783 you just say to yourself 290 00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:23,046 this is a sick individual. 291 00:12:25,005 --> 00:12:26,963 He is suffering from semen brain. 292 00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,577 Aw, mom. 293 00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,710 I don't know what I'd do without your folksy wisdom. 294 00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,497 Oh, my god, Mike, what happened? 295 00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:40,977 I had a little car accident. 296 00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:42,239 It's nothing, the paramedics 297 00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:43,414 made me wear this thing. 298 00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:44,720 Do you have whiplash? 299 00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:45,939 'Cause that can be pretty serious. 300 00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,070 No, nothing like that. 301 00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:48,202 Carl stepped on my neck 302 00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:49,638 climbing out of the car. 303 00:12:57,124 --> 00:12:59,387 Ooh, look, they have a spa here. 304 00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:01,911 Wouldn't it be fun to get a couples massage? 305 00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:06,133 Hot oil, scented candles, romantic music. 306 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:07,177 Eh. 307 00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:10,267 What do you mean, eh? 308 00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:12,182 I don't like the idea of strangers touching me 309 00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:14,619 laying naked on a table while some Ukrainian guy 310 00:13:14,706 --> 00:13:16,578 uses my ass as a speed bag. 311 00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:22,323 Okay, that's not how they describe it in the brochure. 312 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:23,933 Boy, he is never gonna let me forget 313 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,500 about putting that car in the ditch. 314 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,284 I can hear him now, You're a lousy driver! 315 00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:31,288 You knocked down the cone! You killed the baby! 316 00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:33,987 A 62 is still a very respectable score. 317 00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,250 Okay, why don't we just forget about Carl for tonight. 318 00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:38,295 I'm sure Monday morning, everything'll be back 319 00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:39,644 to normal between you guys. 320 00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:40,994 Oh, I don't know. 321 00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,343 In the tow truck, he said he wanted a new 322 00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,910 partner and you know what, fine by me. 323 00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,563 Good riddance. 324 00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,261 Why don't you just call him and settle this thing? 325 00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:49,089 You'll feel so much better when you do. 326 00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:51,700 And let him think that he's ruining our romantic getaway? 327 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,876 Ha! I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. 328 00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:58,228 Yeah, but he kind of is. 329 00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:00,709 Oh, no, he's not, I'm gonna take a nice, hot shower. 330 00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:02,232 And when I come back, I'm gonna make sweet love 331 00:14:02,319 --> 00:14:04,147 to my girlfriend, something Carl can't do 332 00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,583 ''cause Carl doesn't have a girlfriend' 333 00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:07,368 'cause Carl's a loser, and I'm a winner. 334 00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:09,239 So drop your drawers and assume the position 335 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,285 and get ready to makelove to a waiter! 336 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:22,339 Get ready to make love to a pillow. 337 00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:30,695 Carlton! 338 00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,784 You keep slamming doors and stomping around 339 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,048 and I'm coming up there with my King James bible 340 00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:37,006 and a whippin' belt! 341 00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:39,748 [doorbell dings] 342 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:44,840 Lord, give me patience or an untraceable handgun. 343 00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:49,671 Hi. I'm not sure if you remember me-- 344 00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:51,325 You're Michael's little lady friend. 345 00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:52,804 - Yeah. Molly. - Of course. 346 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,590 Come on in, baby. 347 00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,592 Oh, don't tell me those two idiots 348 00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,594 dragged you into this childishness. 349 00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,378 Do you have any idea what they're fighting about? 350 00:15:01,465 --> 00:15:03,337 'Cause Mike's not making any sense at all. 351 00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:06,470 Well, whatever it is, I guarantee you it's stupid! 352 00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:08,951 Sit down. 353 00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,997 Last time they had a big fight like this 354 00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:13,869 it was over Popeye's chicken versus Kentucky Fry. 355 00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:16,654 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 356 00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:18,178 And that one could only be resolved 357 00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:19,962 with a blind taste test. 358 00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:22,225 Yeah, and after all that mess 359 00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:24,445 they both ended up choosin' the other one's chicken. 360 00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:28,275 How often do they have fights like this? 361 00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:29,754 Couple times a year. 362 00:15:29,841 --> 00:15:32,453 Usually during a cold snap or a heat wave. 363 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:35,238 They stay cooped up in that squad car too long 364 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:37,240 and start going at each other like two monkeys 365 00:15:37,327 --> 00:15:39,199 havin' a poop fight. 366 00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:44,247 What's going on down here? 367 00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,119 Like he wasn't sitting on the top step 368 00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:48,512 listening to every word. 369 00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:49,818 Hey, Carl. 370 00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,254 Look, if you're here to apologize 371 00:15:51,341 --> 00:15:52,734 for your boyfriend, I'm not interested. 372 00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,301 That's not why I'm here. 373 00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:55,867 That man said some very hurtful things. 374 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,957 Malicious things, insinuating that I'm cheap. 375 00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:00,220 Cheap, boy wears his underwear 376 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:02,178 until it disintegrates. 377 00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,878 It's like trying to wash cobwebs. 378 00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,231 Look, all I know is I'm trying 379 00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:13,798 to have a romantic weekend with Mike and.. 380 00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:16,323 ...all he can talk about is you. 381 00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,194 Really? 382 00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:19,717 Is that a source of pride for you 383 00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:21,676 you masturbating knucklehead? 384 00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:27,116 The boy's so cheap, he's got magazines 385 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,075 dating back to pubic hair. 386 00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:32,730 Okay, well.. 387 00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:35,733 Let's not open that can of worms, but, uh.. 388 00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:38,127 Look, I was just hoping that you guys could 389 00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,651 well, work this out. 390 00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:41,870 You heard her. 391 00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:43,480 Pick up the phone right now 392 00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:45,091 and put an end to this mess. 393 00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:46,614 Oh, just because he has a girlfriend 394 00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,050 I'm the one that has to apologize? 395 00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:49,617 No, you're gonna apologize 396 00:16:49,704 --> 00:16:51,271 because it's the Christian thing to do. 397 00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:53,534 And if you don't, I'm gonna part your behind 398 00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:56,145 like it's the red sea and my foot is Moses! 399 00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:03,065 You know what? I don't have to stand here and take this! 400 00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,850 Alright, sit down if you want 'cause I'm just warming up. 401 00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:09,028 [laughing] 402 00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:15,556 A man should be treated with more respect in his own house. 403 00:17:15,643 --> 00:17:17,036 Well, if you ever get one 404 00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,994 and I'm ever in it, I'll do that. 405 00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:24,956 Do you have somewhere you need to get to 406 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,003 or would you like to have a cup of tea? 407 00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:29,352 I'd love a cup of tea. 408 00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,311 Alright, comin' right up. 409 00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:34,488 [knock on door] 410 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,707 Molly? 411 00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:38,666 Where you been? Did you forget your key? 412 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,757 Ah! 413 00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:45,368 Sending your girlfriend to fight your fights for you now, huh? 414 00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,327 What are you talking about? Molly went to your house? 415 00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:50,199 Don't act surprised, it belittles us both. 416 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,245 Hey, I had no idea she was gonna go over there. 417 00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:53,550 You know, we used to settle our quarrels 418 00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:54,856 man to man, face to face 419 00:17:54,943 --> 00:17:56,727 and with the occasional blind taste test. 420 00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:58,729 But none of this sending a woman over to a friend's house 421 00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,818 singing sad songs of erectile dysfunction. 422 00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:03,952 - She didn't do that. - Yeah, she did. 423 00:18:04,039 --> 00:18:05,301 Hey, soon as I got out of the shower 424 00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:08,696 I was gonna give it to her good. 425 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,393 Well, I'm just telling you what she said. 426 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,178 She told me and my grandma that you couldn't perform 427 00:18:12,265 --> 00:18:14,180 your manly duties because you were thinking about me. 428 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,660 Really, I sent Molly to tell you and your grandma 429 00:18:16,747 --> 00:18:17,922 that I couldn't deliver the mail. 430 00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:20,882 Does that sound like a good plan to you? 431 00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:22,405 Well, that's why I came here to discuss it with you. 432 00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:23,798 I thought it was ill-advised. 433 00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:26,192 Man, I don't know what's in her head lately. 434 00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:27,889 I mean, I know she's been missing me 435 00:18:27,976 --> 00:18:30,021 but I had no idea she'd go rogue. 436 00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:35,375 Yeah, we should probably minimize these double shifts 437 00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:37,855 so she doesn't go completely off the deep end. 438 00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:39,814 I'm sorry if she upset you. 439 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,820 It was just startling more than anything. 440 00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,692 Man, this room is nice. 441 00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:50,216 Yeah, there's a Jacuzzi tub 442 00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,261 a phone and a TV in the crapper. 443 00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:54,611 Minibar? 444 00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:55,699 Fully stocked, except for 445 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,919 the peanut, M&Ms and Toblerone. 446 00:18:58,006 --> 00:18:59,790 Oh, man, Saint Pauli girl. 447 00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:02,358 Grab two, we'll watch the new Russell Crowe movie. 448 00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:03,707 I can't remember the last time we went 449 00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:04,752 to a movie together. 450 00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,710 I do, it was "Avatar." 451 00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:10,236 I paid, 'cause you left your wallet at home. 452 00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:11,976 Fine, I'll give you the money right now. 453 00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:14,979 - Forget it, it's my treat. - Ah.. 454 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,025 Hey, look, we could get a couples massage. 455 00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:18,505 Hot oil, scented candles. 456 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:20,420 We could also adopt a Chinese baby. 457 00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:22,639 Let's start with the movie and see where it goes. 458 00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:34,477 This is nice. 459 00:19:34,564 --> 00:19:35,783 Next time I get a regular girlfriend 460 00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,393 Imma bring her here. 461 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:38,829 You should, these little getaways 462 00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:40,788 are important for a relationship. 463 00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:46,185 Oh. 464 00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,187 Carl, you're here. 465 00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,712 Looks like you made up. 466 00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:55,019 Maybe a little more than I'm comfortable with. 467 00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:56,325 Uh, we were just watchin' a movie. 468 00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,022 You want to join us? We could scooch over. 469 00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,024 No. You boys enjoy yourself. 470 00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,549 I'm gonna take a hot shower and by the time 471 00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:04,812 I get out, I want this side 472 00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:06,814 of the bed to be empty. 473 00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:11,906 Got it. 474 00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,516 You landed a good one there, man. 475 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:15,475 Yeah, she's a sweetheart. 476 00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:17,041 The second you hear that water turn off 477 00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:19,305 you'd better have your ass in the elevator. 478 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,008 [theme music]