That was a wonderful dinner, Mrs. Biggs.
Really delicious.
[Peggy] 'I don't cook much anymore'
'because of my sciatica.'
But if giving you kids a nice, hot meal
means I got to endure a sharp stabbing pain
up and down my spine
then that's the price of admission.
Macaroon?
Are those from the old town bakery?
Oh, those are my favorite.
That's why I got them.
They're a little on the pricey side
but I guess I can dye my own roots this month
and Jim can choke down bargain chow.
That was very considerate.
Sorry.
Let me make you a cup of tea to go with that cookie.
Oh, don't go to any trouble.
No trouble, I bought a whole box
of that English breakfast you enjoy
and I'm not a tea drinker.
I figure if I want brown teeth, I'll chew tobacco.
Well, I-I'd love a cup of tea.
My pleasure.
You got yourself a real keeper there, boy.
I know, mom.
Don't lose interest in her
like you did the piano lessons
karate, and that turtle you got tired of feeding.
Okay, what the hell is going on?
What do you mean?
We spent the entire evening with your mother
and you're not thinking about killing yourself
and I'm not thinking about killing her.
You know, now that you mention it
she does seem unusually chipper tonight.
Chipper?
She's being sweet, thoughtful and complimentary.
Something's very, very wrong here.
I mean, she just told you I was a keeper.
Well, you are a keeper.
I know that. She doesn't know that.
Even if she did, she certainly wouldn't say it in front of me.
I'm telling you, something smells rotten here
and it's not just Jim's bargain chow butt bombs.
Never saw the attraction to tea.
I always considered it
the beverage of Orientals and hippies.
Thank you, Mrs. Biggs.
Call me Peggy.
Why?
That's my name.
Okay, Peggy.
Hey, what would you think about you and me
getting together tomorrow and having a bite to eat?
Oh!
That sounds great, but I only get a half hour
and I usually just eat at my desk.
Well, that's plenty time for us to eat and gab.
Can I bring Jim?
Actually, they don't allow dogs
in the school, so..
Just guns and drugs, huh?
Well, I guess he can stay in the car.
I'll leave a chew toy and the radio on
like I used to do with Mikey.
It's a date, then..
...Peggy.
Let me get you some lemon for your tea. Hm?
Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I'm getting whacked.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
You're not concerned at all about your mom
and your girlfriend getting together without you?
- Why would I be? - No reason.
Just making conversation
with the stupidest man on the planet.
- Why am I stupid? - I don't know.
That's for medical science to figure out.
But I do know you don't want your mother telling Molly
about all the twisted things you did as a kid.
I was a pretty normal kid.
- I didn't do anything twisted. - Uh-huh.
So you never cut the mouth out of a Playboy centerfold
and had your dog stick its tongue through it
so it looked like the girl was talking to you?
No, who would do something like that?
Doesn't matter.
But trust me, women get pretty freaked-out
when they hear your grandma tell that story.
That's not sittin' too well with me, either.
So you never did anything embarrassing as a kid
you don't want Molly to know about?
Well..
...I prefer she didn't know I visited the school nurse
once a week, claiming to have a missing testicle.
No, you didn't.
Uh, I was 12, and that nurse was smoking hot.
Had kind of a Phoebe Cates thing going on.
Oh, I love me some Phoebe Cates.
So, did the missing testicle story actually work?
First couple of times she bought into it.
My big mistake was showing up with flowers.
You're a romantic and that ain't nothin' to be embarrassed about.
- You don't think so? - Not at all.
But Molly may not find it as charming as you and I do.
Might be a good idea to have a nice dinner
ready for her tonight
just in case, "you got some explaining to do."
Good idea.
So that nurse would just root around
trying to locate the missing marble.
Yep, and if I held a cold Mountain Dew down my pants
it'd take her almost three minutes.
Ah, that is genius.
- I thought so. - No, seriously, hats off.
[instrumental music]
I noticed you didn't finish your meat loaf last night
so I trimmed off the bite marks
and slapped it between two pieces
of wonder bread, enjoy.
Oh!
You added the mashed potatoes and corn, too.
I love corn in a sandwich.
So that's where Mike gets that.
Well, you're probably wondering
why I requested this little pow-wow.
Really hadn't given it much thought.
Other than, "What a great idea"
and, "why didn't we do it sooner?"
Save the syrup.
I just need a little womanly advice.
Womanly advice for you?
Don't worry. It's not about my plumbing.
There's a man at my church who expressed interest
in spending time with me, socially.
You mean he asked you out on a date?
Don't act so surprised.
No! I'm-I'm not.
Like I'm some kind of bug-eyed troll.
I'm surprised you don't get asked out all the time
is where my surprise comes in.
Uh-huh. Anyway.
He wants to take me to Red Lobster tomorrow night.
It's all-you-can-eat shrimp Tuesday.
That sounds nice. Do you like this man?
Eh, he's alright, I guess.
He's a widower, which means he hangs in there
until they tag and bag you.
You gotta admire that.
I think this is great.
It's flattering when someone is attracted to you.
Don't drag it through the gutter.
In fact, I told him we're taking separate cars
in case he imagines throwing a few shrimp at me
entitles him to a free mount.
- A girl can't be too careful. - 'Yeah.'
That's why I sleep with a gun under my pillow.
Throw that in the conversation and you should be just fine.
Anyway, do you think Mike could be okay with this?
I think he'd be thrilled. Why?
Well, he's never seen me with another man besides his father
and I don't wanna confuse the boy.
He's pretty grown up
and I know he just wants you to be happy.
Let's just keep it on the sly until we see how it goes.
I mean, I don't want him gettin' attached to this man
going to ball games and what not
and then I'm the bad guy
if I have to kick him to the curb.
I won't say anything to Mike
and you tell him when you're comfortable.
He's gonna wonder why I asked to have lunch with you.
Mm, I'll just tell him that you..
...wanted to get to know me
because you thought it was important
that his two best gals become friends.
Nah, he'd never believe that.
Tell him I came to you to learn to read.
It's my secret shame.
Well, hopefully he won't ask.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey, sweetie.
Let me help you.
Aw, thanks. What smells so good?
That would be my world-famous five-alarm chili.
You cooked?
Well, you cook for me all the time.
It seems only right that I should cook for you.
And I haven't always done the right thing in my life
but people change.
Yes, they do.
I'm not the same guy I was when I met you
and I'm certainly not the same guy I was
between the ages of 12 and 14.
Uh-huh.
So, chili, you say.
Yep. My special recipe.
And the secret ingredient is corn.
Can I get you a nice, light beer
or perhaps a chilled glass of chardonnay?
Oh, I'd love a glass of wine.
Coming up.
So, how was your day?
Pretty good.
Classes were fine
and had my lunch with your mom.
Oh, was that today?
I forgot all about it.
So, what did she chew your ear off about?
Uh, nothing much.
She just needed a sounding board about something.
It's really no big deal.
Oh good. So, no health issues or anything, right?
She didn't find a lump on something, did she?
No, no.
Nothing other than you on her couch.
[chuckles]
That's funny.
So, I didn't come up in the conversation at all.
Her only son. That seems weird to me.
Okay, she might have mentioned you once or twice.
Look, I don't know what my mom told you
but I am not the reason the school nurse transferred
to another district, the janitor knocked her up.
What are you rambling on about?
I don't know. Maybe I should stop talking.
Your mom just wanted my advice on something.
It's not a big deal.
Well, if it's not a big deal, why can't you tell me?
Because she asked me not to.
So it had nothing to do
with a young boy's innocent infatuation
with hernia exams?
No.
What?
Look, look, I will tell you, but you have to promise
that you're not gonna say anything to your mom.
- I promise. - Seriously.
'Cause she has put her trust in me
and I don't wanna do anything to compromise it.
I'll keep my mouth shut.
Just tell me.
She's going out on a date.
Ah, come on!
If you're gonna lie to me, at least
pick something that's plausible.
I'm adopted. She's really a man.
Something I could buy.
There is a gentleman at church that asked her out
and she said yes.
And she wanted my advice
and to help her get ready tomorrow night.
- Wait. - Hm?
My mom's going out on a date?
She is, but you can't let on that you know.
Okay.
And I appreciate you tellin' me.
Sure.
What is the deal with the school nurse?
Oh, oh, nothing.
I tricked her into touching my genitals.
Is this too spicy?
[instrumental music]
I got yelled at at work today.
Who yelled at you?
You put makeup on corpses.
I was working on an 80-year-old cadaver.
And her grandson got his panties in a bunch
because I put body glitter in her cleavage.
I'm like, "Dude, chill, just because your grandma's dead
doesn't mean she can't look hot."
[doorbell rings]
Great philosophy.
It's why she put it on her business card.
- Listen, when I die.. - Mm-hm?
You just pull out the stops.
I wanna look peaceful, but doable.
Please tell me you're not taking Jim on your date with you.
He's a hell of an icebreaker.
He can stay here with us.
Come on in.
I brought a couple outfits.
I wanted something that looks feminine
but doesn't make him think I'm lifting my skirt
and ringin' the dinner bell.
Um, well, it's probably a good idea
to stick with the stretch pants.
Sweet Lord, this is nerve-racking.
Why do women put themselves through this?
I don't have an answer for that
but let's not make too big a deal out of this.
Remember, it's just dinner.
Well, bear in mind I haven't been on a date
with a man in almost 40 years.
So, there's been nobody since Mike's dad?
Nobody before or after.
This keg was only tapped for one party.
Unlike you gals today, we didn't just give it away
to any smooth-talker with a fast car
and a cigarillo dangling between his lips.
Look, why don't we just focus on the task at hand
and help you pick out a nice outfit?
Now, what are our options?
Uh, this and what I got on.
We can-we can work with this.
Might wanna spruce it up a little with some accessories.
Why don't you come upstairs?
I'll show you what I have.
Alright, but no dangly earrings or feather boas.
I go too feminine, I start to look like a transsexual.
'Jim!'
[instrumental music]
So did your mom tell Molly the story about
your old hidden-ball trick?
No, they didn't talk about me at all.
Turns out, my mom just wanted some advice
about going out on a date.
Wait a second, Peggy Biggs is going on a date?
Let me wrap my head around that.
- Nope, can't do it. - Hey, I think it's great.
It'd be nice for her to have someone to spend some time with.
You know, a companion.
Take some pressure off of you, huh?
Yeah, and the dog.
Poor bastard really bears the brunt of most of it.
Well, I hope she knows what she's getting into
because the sexual landscape has changed
for the over-60 crowd.
- What are you talking about? - Viagra.
It put peaks where there used to be valleys.
He's right.
Those old dudes ain't going gently
into that good night no more.
They pop a couple of those little blue pills
and they're not taking "what" for an answer.
This is just some lonely widower from her church
that wants to take her out for dinner.
The lonely widowers are the worst.
They're making up for lost time, so church groups and VFW halls
are like trout farms for those wrinkly Romeos .
[Samuel] 'Mm-hm.'
It's true, the natural cycle of a man's life has been upset
by erection enhancers.
There are no more wise elders sitting in the town square
carving wooden flutes and offering sage advice.
Now they're all getting hair plugs
and trying to bone your sister.
You should see some of these Lazarus-looking horn dogs
my grandma brings down for breakfast.
Eating cream of wheat and smiling at me.
"Mornin', son. What's your name? How old are you?"
Old enough to know what you been doing
to my precious Nana last night!
You know, I'm starting to feel a little uneasy
about this whole thing.
The trick is to not think about it.
Once you start imagining your mom
doing the nasty with the crypt-keeper
then you're in for some sleepless nights.
[sighs]
Perfectly natural for you to be nervous.
After Molly's dad died, I waited almost three years
before I went out with another man.
Didn't you ever get lonely?
Lonely, no.
Horny, yes.
There's a reason you girls ate
nothing but banana bread for three years.
I liked working with bananas.
For the record, I'm not one of those people
you have to open up to.
Less is more in my book.
I'm sure your gentleman friend will be glad to hear that.
What about this?
Well, I wasn't planning on doing
the Dance of the Seven Veils tonight.
No, no, I just thought you might want a little color.
Sure, while we're at it
why don't we put some lipstick on my nipples?
Seems a little extreme, but since we're on the topic
a little makeup wouldn't hurt.
Makeup? I don't wear makeup.
Ever?
Well, I might put some beet juice on my lips
for Christmas mass but my motto's always been
"A little powder, a little paint
makes you something that you ain't."
[Joyce] 'Really?'
Well, my motto's always been, "Dinner's on you
and the rest of the night's on me."
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Could you please hold still?
I'm not used to doing this
with somebody breathing all over my fingers.
Or breathing period.
Just do your best, baby.
Remember, it's only for one night, not for all eternity.
And just make me look presentable
not like I got Tyrone the pimp waiting for me in the car.
See, when you talk
it totally freaks me out.
I was just thinkin' the same thing.
I found a really cute pair of earrings
that I think might go with that outfit.
Hang on, let me just put
a little more concealer on your mustache.
Okay and..
...voila.
Peggy, you look great. Nice job!
Thanks.
It was fun getting to do the back of her neck.
I usually don't get to do the back of a neck.
Try these on.
My dad gave them to me for my first communion.
I wouldn't feel right wearing these.
I want you to.
Plus they're the only pair left in the house
that you haven't written off as hooker hoops.
Okay?
They...and you
'look beautiful.'
You clean up pretty good, huh?
This isn't me.
No, it's a reflection of you.
I can't do this.
Peggy!
I appreciate your help, but this whole Saturday night fever
shake-your-bootie lifestyle ain't for me.
Come on, Peggy, calm down.
No, no, I've gone down this road before
and I'll tell you where it leads, heartache.
Hey, everyone has had their heart broken.
I certainly have.
But if I'd just given up, I-I never would have met Mike.
Right there, there's another reason not to go.
I don't want my little boy thinking
that his mother is some kinda
tavern-hoppin' hotsie-totsie.
Oh, he would never think that.
In fact, if he could see how beautiful you looked right now
I know he would want you to go out and enjoy yourself.
You told him, didn't you?
I most certainly did not, Peggy.
You told me that in confidence.
Now, I understand that you are nervous, Peggy
but it took the work of three women
to get you looking presentable-ly beautiful.
And I'm not gonna let you waste this
sittin' on the couch eating day-old meat loaf.
Now give me the dog and go have a good time.
Thanks for, you know.
You're welcome, Peggy.
Call me Mrs. Biggs.
The poor bastard at the Red Lobster has no idea
what he's gotten himself into.
Ugh! Boy, we have got to get you off the bargain chow!
[sighs]
Where the hell is she?
The Red Lobster closed an hour ago.
How do you know that?
Look at him.
You don't think he's closed a few
all-you-can-eat places in his day?
I'm just saying, allowing for drive time
going by Molly's to pick up Jim
she should've been home by now.
Well, they might still be in the parking lot.
Your mom's got that big-ass impala
the backseat's like a daybed.
Cut it out! That's not funny!
Headlights, car, car, car!
[car approaches]
- Is that her? - Yep.
Garage door up.
Car inside.
Garage door down.
Safe and sound.
Ah! Great. Your mom's still a virgin.
- Can we go now? - Absolutely.
Hang on, there's another car pulling in the drive.
What the hell?
I told you, it's an old man's game.
[theme music]