1 00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:03,220 That was a wonderful dinner, Mrs. Biggs. 2 00:00:03,307 --> 00:00:04,569 Really delicious. 3 00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:05,831 [Peggy] 'I don't cook much anymore' 4 00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:07,572 'because of my sciatica.' 5 00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:09,400 But if giving you kids a nice, hot meal 6 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:11,620 means I got to endure a sharp stabbing pain 7 00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:12,969 up and down my spine 8 00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:15,319 then that's the price of admission. 9 00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:16,625 Macaroon? 10 00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,235 Are those from the old town bakery? 11 00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:19,976 Oh, those are my favorite. 12 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,369 That's why I got them. 13 00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:22,935 They're a little on the pricey side 14 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,242 but I guess I can dye my own roots this month 15 00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:27,288 and Jim can choke down bargain chow. 16 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,292 That was very considerate. 17 00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:37,602 Sorry. 18 00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,606 Let me make you a cup of tea to go with that cookie. 19 00:00:41,693 --> 00:00:43,565 Oh, don't go to any trouble. 20 00:00:43,652 --> 00:00:45,088 No trouble, I bought a whole box 21 00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:47,134 of that English breakfast you enjoy 22 00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:48,613 and I'm not a tea drinker. 23 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:51,529 I figure if I want brown teeth, I'll chew tobacco. 24 00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:54,750 Well, I-I'd love a cup of tea. 25 00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:56,360 My pleasure. 26 00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,275 You got yourself a real keeper there, boy. 27 00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,320 I know, mom. 28 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:00,451 Don't lose interest in her 29 00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:01,931 like you did the piano lessons 30 00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:05,021 karate, and that turtle you got tired of feeding. 31 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:08,111 Okay, what the hell is going on? 32 00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,549 What do you mean? 33 00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:13,247 We spent the entire evening with your mother 34 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,726 and you're not thinking about killing yourself 35 00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:17,512 and I'm not thinking about killing her. 36 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:18,948 You know, now that you mention it 37 00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,732 she does seem unusually chipper tonight. 38 00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:22,386 Chipper? 39 00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:24,084 She's being sweet, thoughtful and complimentary. 40 00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:26,956 Something's very, very wrong here. 41 00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:29,393 I mean, she just told you I was a keeper. 42 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,916 Well, you are a keeper. 43 00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:33,876 I know that. She doesn't know that. 44 00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:36,139 Even if she did, she certainly wouldn't say it in front of me. 45 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,706 I'm telling you, something smells rotten here 46 00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:40,274 and it's not just Jim's bargain chow butt bombs. 47 00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:50,371 Never saw the attraction to tea. 48 00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:51,763 I always considered it 49 00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:54,026 the beverage of Orientals and hippies. 50 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:56,638 Thank you, Mrs. Biggs. 51 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,683 Call me Peggy. 52 00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:01,338 Why? 53 00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:03,427 That's my name. 54 00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:06,517 Okay, Peggy. 55 00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:08,258 Hey, what would you think about you and me 56 00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:10,652 getting together tomorrow and having a bite to eat? 57 00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:13,785 Oh! 58 00:02:13,872 --> 00:02:16,310 That sounds great, but I only get a half hour 59 00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:17,963 and I usually just eat at my desk. 60 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:20,096 Well, that's plenty time for us to eat and gab. 61 00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:22,185 Can I bring Jim? 62 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,926 Actually, they don't allow dogs 63 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,623 in the school, so.. 64 00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,756 Just guns and drugs, huh? 65 00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:32,761 Well, I guess he can stay in the car. 66 00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,502 I'll leave a chew toy and the radio on 67 00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:36,243 like I used to do with Mikey. 68 00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:42,249 It's a date, then.. 69 00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:44,294 ...Peggy. 70 00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:47,732 Let me get you some lemon for your tea. Hm? 71 00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:50,561 Thank you. 72 00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:52,302 I'm pretty sure I'm getting whacked. 73 00:02:53,825 --> 00:02:55,610 ♪ For the first time ♪ 74 00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:58,917 ♪ In my life ♪ 75 00:02:59,004 --> 00:03:01,877 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 76 00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:20,635 You're not concerned at all about your mom 77 00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:22,419 and your girlfriend getting together without you? 78 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,421 - Why would I be? - No reason. 79 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,075 Just making conversation 80 00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:27,729 with the stupidest man on the planet. 81 00:03:29,818 --> 00:03:31,167 - Why am I stupid? - I don't know. 82 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:34,083 That's for medical science to figure out. 83 00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:36,041 But I do know you don't want your mother telling Molly 84 00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:37,826 about all the twisted things you did as a kid. 85 00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,131 I was a pretty normal kid. 86 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,699 - I didn't do anything twisted. - Uh-huh. 87 00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,614 So you never cut the mouth out of a Playboy centerfold 88 00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,181 and had your dog stick its tongue through it 89 00:03:45,268 --> 00:03:46,226 so it looked like the girl was talking to you? 90 00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:52,841 No, who would do something like that? 91 00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:54,190 Doesn't matter. 92 00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:58,020 But trust me, women get pretty freaked-out 93 00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:01,284 when they hear your grandma tell that story. 94 00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:04,113 That's not sittin' too well with me, either. 95 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,115 So you never did anything embarrassing as a kid 96 00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:08,378 you don't want Molly to know about? 97 00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:09,945 Well.. 98 00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:11,947 ...I prefer she didn't know I visited the school nurse 99 00:04:12,034 --> 00:04:14,210 once a week, claiming to have a missing testicle. 100 00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:16,821 No, you didn't. 101 00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:19,084 Uh, I was 12, and that nurse was smoking hot. 102 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,086 Had kind of a Phoebe Cates thing going on. 103 00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:23,567 Oh, I love me some Phoebe Cates. 104 00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:25,613 So, did the missing testicle story actually work? 105 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,354 First couple of times she bought into it. 106 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:31,314 My big mistake was showing up with flowers. 107 00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:34,361 You're a romantic and that ain't nothin' to be embarrassed about. 108 00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,232 - You don't think so? - Not at all. 109 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,713 But Molly may not find it as charming as you and I do. 110 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,236 Might be a good idea to have a nice dinner 111 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:41,803 ready for her tonight 112 00:04:41,890 --> 00:04:44,240 just in case, "you got some explaining to do." 113 00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:45,589 Good idea. 114 00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:48,592 So that nurse would just root around 115 00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,812 trying to locate the missing marble. 116 00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:53,075 Yep, and if I held a cold Mountain Dew down my pants 117 00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,511 it'd take her almost three minutes. 118 00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,557 Ah, that is genius. 119 00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,646 - I thought so. - No, seriously, hats off. 120 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,301 [instrumental music] 121 00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:05,522 I noticed you didn't finish your meat loaf last night 122 00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:06,958 so I trimmed off the bite marks 123 00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:08,569 and slapped it between two pieces 124 00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:11,049 of wonder bread, enjoy. 125 00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:12,616 Oh! 126 00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:15,750 You added the mashed potatoes and corn, too. 127 00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,536 I love corn in a sandwich. 128 00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:22,060 So that's where Mike gets that. 129 00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:23,932 Well, you're probably wondering 130 00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:27,196 why I requested this little pow-wow. 131 00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:29,851 Really hadn't given it much thought. 132 00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,635 Other than, "What a great idea" 133 00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:34,464 and, "why didn't we do it sooner?" 134 00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,640 Save the syrup. 135 00:05:36,727 --> 00:05:38,686 I just need a little womanly advice. 136 00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:40,296 Womanly advice for you? 137 00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,950 Don't worry. It's not about my plumbing. 138 00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:47,564 There's a man at my church who expressed interest 139 00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:50,088 in spending time with me, socially. 140 00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:51,568 You mean he asked you out on a date? 141 00:05:51,655 --> 00:05:52,874 Don't act so surprised. 142 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:54,484 No! I'm-I'm not. 143 00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,879 Like I'm some kind of bug-eyed troll. 144 00:05:57,966 --> 00:06:00,969 I'm surprised you don't get asked out all the time 145 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:05,103 is where my surprise comes in. 146 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,715 Uh-huh. Anyway. 147 00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,847 He wants to take me to Red Lobster tomorrow night. 148 00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:11,371 It's all-you-can-eat shrimp Tuesday. 149 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,592 That sounds nice. Do you like this man? 150 00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:17,855 Eh, he's alright, I guess. 151 00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:20,205 He's a widower, which means he hangs in there 152 00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:21,381 until they tag and bag you. 153 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:22,730 You gotta admire that. 154 00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,431 I think this is great. 155 00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,607 It's flattering when someone is attracted to you. 156 00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:32,522 Don't drag it through the gutter. 157 00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:36,700 In fact, I told him we're taking separate cars 158 00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:39,224 in case he imagines throwing a few shrimp at me 159 00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,052 entitles him to a free mount. 160 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,317 - A girl can't be too careful. - 'Yeah.' 161 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,538 That's why I sleep with a gun under my pillow. 162 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:52,629 Throw that in the conversation and you should be just fine. 163 00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:56,024 Anyway, do you think Mike could be okay with this? 164 00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:57,895 I think he'd be thrilled. Why? 165 00:06:57,982 --> 00:07:01,029 Well, he's never seen me with another man besides his father 166 00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:02,944 and I don't wanna confuse the boy. 167 00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:06,991 He's pretty grown up 168 00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:10,255 and I know he just wants you to be happy. 169 00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:13,476 Let's just keep it on the sly until we see how it goes. 170 00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,696 I mean, I don't want him gettin' attached to this man 171 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,219 going to ball games and what not 172 00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:18,568 and then I'm the bad guy 173 00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:22,311 if I have to kick him to the curb. 174 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:23,704 I won't say anything to Mike 175 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,532 and you tell him when you're comfortable. 176 00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:28,360 He's gonna wonder why I asked to have lunch with you. 177 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,493 Mm, I'll just tell him that you.. 178 00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:31,842 ...wanted to get to know me 179 00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:33,322 because you thought it was important 180 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:36,412 that his two best gals become friends. 181 00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:39,284 Nah, he'd never believe that. 182 00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:41,548 Tell him I came to you to learn to read. 183 00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:43,288 It's my secret shame. 184 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,771 Well, hopefully he won't ask. 185 00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:51,166 [instrumental music] 186 00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:58,652 - Hey. - Hey, sweetie. 187 00:07:58,739 --> 00:07:59,827 Let me help you. 188 00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:02,264 Aw, thanks. What smells so good? 189 00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:04,745 That would be my world-famous five-alarm chili. 190 00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:06,094 You cooked? 191 00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:07,835 Well, you cook for me all the time. 192 00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:10,490 It seems only right that I should cook for you. 193 00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:12,187 And I haven't always done the right thing in my life 194 00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:13,493 but people change. 195 00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:18,019 Yes, they do. 196 00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:20,151 I'm not the same guy I was when I met you 197 00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:21,370 and I'm certainly not the same guy I was 198 00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:24,025 between the ages of 12 and 14. 199 00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:25,809 Uh-huh. 200 00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,162 So, chili, you say. 201 00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:32,990 Yep. My special recipe. 202 00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,992 And the secret ingredient is corn. 203 00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:43,044 Can I get you a nice, light beer 204 00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:45,263 or perhaps a chilled glass of chardonnay? 205 00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:47,004 Oh, I'd love a glass of wine. 206 00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,137 Coming up. 207 00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:51,792 So, how was your day? 208 00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:52,793 Pretty good. 209 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:53,968 Classes were fine 210 00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:56,710 and had my lunch with your mom. 211 00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:57,711 Oh, was that today? 212 00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:02,237 I forgot all about it. 213 00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:04,413 So, what did she chew your ear off about? 214 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:05,893 Uh, nothing much. 215 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,938 She just needed a sounding board about something. 216 00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:09,679 It's really no big deal. 217 00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:12,203 Oh good. So, no health issues or anything, right? 218 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,379 She didn't find a lump on something, did she? 219 00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,381 No, no. 220 00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,948 Nothing other than you on her couch. 221 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:20,124 [chuckles] 222 00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,735 That's funny. 223 00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:23,867 So, I didn't come up in the conversation at all. 224 00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:25,652 Her only son. That seems weird to me. 225 00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:29,917 Okay, she might have mentioned you once or twice. 226 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,571 Look, I don't know what my mom told you 227 00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:33,268 but I am not the reason the school nurse transferred 228 00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,270 to another district, the janitor knocked her up. 229 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,316 What are you rambling on about? 230 00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:41,276 I don't know. Maybe I should stop talking. 231 00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:42,930 Your mom just wanted my advice on something. 232 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,453 It's not a big deal. 233 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,455 Well, if it's not a big deal, why can't you tell me? 234 00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:47,848 Because she asked me not to. 235 00:09:47,935 --> 00:09:49,110 So it had nothing to do 236 00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:51,068 with a young boy's innocent infatuation 237 00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:53,070 with hernia exams? 238 00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:55,812 No. 239 00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:58,598 What? 240 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,776 Look, look, I will tell you, but you have to promise 241 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,560 that you're not gonna say anything to your mom. 242 00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:05,866 - I promise. - Seriously. 243 00:10:05,953 --> 00:10:07,432 'Cause she has put her trust in me 244 00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,304 and I don't wanna do anything to compromise it. 245 00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:10,305 I'll keep my mouth shut. 246 00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:12,263 Just tell me. 247 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,657 She's going out on a date. 248 00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,877 Ah, come on! 249 00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:17,965 If you're gonna lie to me, at least 250 00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:19,183 pick something that's plausible. 251 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,663 I'm adopted. She's really a man. 252 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,317 Something I could buy. 253 00:10:22,404 --> 00:10:24,841 There is a gentleman at church that asked her out 254 00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:26,669 and she said yes. 255 00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,758 And she wanted my advice 256 00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:31,195 and to help her get ready tomorrow night. 257 00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:32,457 - Wait. - Hm? 258 00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:34,895 My mom's going out on a date? 259 00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:38,289 She is, but you can't let on that you know. 260 00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:39,551 Okay. 261 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,336 And I appreciate you tellin' me. 262 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:42,685 Sure. 263 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,774 What is the deal with the school nurse? 264 00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,558 Oh, oh, nothing. 265 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,951 I tricked her into touching my genitals. 266 00:10:48,038 --> 00:10:49,474 Is this too spicy? 267 00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,222 [instrumental music] 268 00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:01,356 I got yelled at at work today. 269 00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:02,574 Who yelled at you? 270 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,315 You put makeup on corpses. 271 00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:12,149 I was working on an 80-year-old cadaver. 272 00:11:12,236 --> 00:11:14,412 And her grandson got his panties in a bunch 273 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,850 because I put body glitter in her cleavage. 274 00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,941 I'm like, "Dude, chill, just because your grandma's dead 275 00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:22,812 doesn't mean she can't look hot." 276 00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:25,597 [doorbell rings] 277 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,774 Great philosophy. 278 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:31,429 It's why she put it on her business card. 279 00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:32,822 - Listen, when I die.. - Mm-hm? 280 00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,737 You just pull out the stops. 281 00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:36,696 I wanna look peaceful, but doable. 282 00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,312 Please tell me you're not taking Jim on your date with you. 283 00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,666 He's a hell of an icebreaker. 284 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:52,059 He can stay here with us. 285 00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:53,408 Come on in. 286 00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:55,453 I brought a couple outfits. 287 00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:57,934 I wanted something that looks feminine 288 00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,849 but doesn't make him think I'm lifting my skirt 289 00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,111 and ringin' the dinner bell. 290 00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,637 Um, well, it's probably a good idea 291 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,553 to stick with the stretch pants. 292 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,860 Sweet Lord, this is nerve-racking. 293 00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:12,819 Why do women put themselves through this? 294 00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,298 I don't have an answer for that 295 00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:16,648 but let's not make too big a deal out of this. 296 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,259 Remember, it's just dinner. 297 00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:20,391 Well, bear in mind I haven't been on a date 298 00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,567 with a man in almost 40 years. 299 00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:25,440 So, there's been nobody since Mike's dad? 300 00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,529 Nobody before or after. 301 00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:29,836 This keg was only tapped for one party. 302 00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:39,454 Unlike you gals today, we didn't just give it away 303 00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:41,499 to any smooth-talker with a fast car 304 00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:44,981 and a cigarillo dangling between his lips. 305 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:47,679 Look, why don't we just focus on the task at hand 306 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,290 and help you pick out a nice outfit? 307 00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,118 Now, what are our options? 308 00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:53,903 Uh, this and what I got on. 309 00:12:59,169 --> 00:13:01,041 We can-we can work with this. 310 00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:04,000 Might wanna spruce it up a little with some accessories. 311 00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:05,175 Why don't you come upstairs? 312 00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:06,786 I'll show you what I have. 313 00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,963 Alright, but no dangly earrings or feather boas. 314 00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:12,704 I go too feminine, I start to look like a transsexual. 315 00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,099 'Jim!' 316 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,973 [instrumental music] 317 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,411 So did your mom tell Molly the story about 318 00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,587 your old hidden-ball trick? 319 00:13:25,674 --> 00:13:26,936 No, they didn't talk about me at all. 320 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,808 Turns out, my mom just wanted some advice 321 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,766 about going out on a date. 322 00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:32,594 Wait a second, Peggy Biggs is going on a date? 323 00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:35,684 Let me wrap my head around that. 324 00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:39,427 - Nope, can't do it. - Hey, I think it's great. 325 00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:41,821 It'd be nice for her to have someone to spend some time with. 326 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,257 You know, a companion. 327 00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:44,475 Take some pressure off of you, huh? 328 00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,129 Yeah, and the dog. 329 00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:49,219 Poor bastard really bears the brunt of most of it. 330 00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:50,960 Well, I hope she knows what she's getting into 331 00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:52,353 because the sexual landscape has changed 332 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,833 for the over-60 crowd. 333 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,922 - What are you talking about? - Viagra. 334 00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:57,619 It put peaks where there used to be valleys. 335 00:13:58,838 --> 00:13:59,882 He's right. 336 00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,014 Those old dudes ain't going gently 337 00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:02,493 into that good night no more. 338 00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,060 They pop a couple of those little blue pills 339 00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:07,585 and they're not taking "what" for an answer. 340 00:14:07,672 --> 00:14:10,240 This is just some lonely widower from her church 341 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,589 that wants to take her out for dinner. 342 00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:13,330 The lonely widowers are the worst. 343 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:16,551 They're making up for lost time, so church groups and VFW halls 344 00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:18,553 are like trout farms for those wrinkly Romeos . 345 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,555 [Samuel] 'Mm-hm.' 346 00:14:20,642 --> 00:14:23,340 It's true, the natural cycle of a man's life has been upset 347 00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:25,125 by erection enhancers. 348 00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:27,823 There are no more wise elders sitting in the town square 349 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:30,739 carving wooden flutes and offering sage advice. 350 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:31,914 Now they're all getting hair plugs 351 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:33,829 and trying to bone your sister. 352 00:14:36,049 --> 00:14:38,138 You should see some of these Lazarus-looking horn dogs 353 00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:41,054 my grandma brings down for breakfast. 354 00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:43,099 Eating cream of wheat and smiling at me. 355 00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,667 "Mornin', son. What's your name? How old are you?" 356 00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:46,842 Old enough to know what you been doing 357 00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:48,626 to my precious Nana last night! 358 00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,022 You know, I'm starting to feel a little uneasy 359 00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:54,371 about this whole thing. 360 00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:55,938 The trick is to not think about it. 361 00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,287 Once you start imagining your mom 362 00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:58,723 doing the nasty with the crypt-keeper 363 00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,508 then you're in for some sleepless nights. 364 00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,122 [sighs] 365 00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,298 Perfectly natural for you to be nervous. 366 00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:11,432 After Molly's dad died, I waited almost three years 367 00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:13,260 before I went out with another man. 368 00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:14,609 Didn't you ever get lonely? 369 00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:16,393 Lonely, no. 370 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,874 Horny, yes. 371 00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:20,180 There's a reason you girls ate 372 00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,095 nothing but banana bread for three years. 373 00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:27,448 I liked working with bananas. 374 00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:32,801 For the record, I'm not one of those people 375 00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,455 you have to open up to. 376 00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:39,199 Less is more in my book. 377 00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:41,201 I'm sure your gentleman friend will be glad to hear that. 378 00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:46,075 What about this? 379 00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,035 Well, I wasn't planning on doing 380 00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:52,081 the Dance of the Seven Veils tonight. 381 00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:54,518 No, no, I just thought you might want a little color. 382 00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:55,998 Sure, while we're at it 383 00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:57,913 why don't we put some lipstick on my nipples? 384 00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:04,137 Seems a little extreme, but since we're on the topic 385 00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,486 a little makeup wouldn't hurt. 386 00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,053 Makeup? I don't wear makeup. 387 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:08,706 Ever? 388 00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:10,665 Well, I might put some beet juice on my lips 389 00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:13,885 for Christmas mass but my motto's always been 390 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,235 "A little powder, a little paint 391 00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:17,367 makes you something that you ain't." 392 00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,066 [Joyce] 'Really?' 393 00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:22,503 Well, my motto's always been, "Dinner's on you 394 00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:24,548 and the rest of the night's on me." 395 00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,076 [instrumental music] 396 00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:32,948 [sighs] 397 00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:34,167 Could you please hold still? 398 00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:35,516 I'm not used to doing this 399 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,474 with somebody breathing all over my fingers. 400 00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:41,609 Or breathing period. 401 00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:43,393 Just do your best, baby. 402 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,135 Remember, it's only for one night, not for all eternity. 403 00:16:50,139 --> 00:16:52,402 And just make me look presentable 404 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:55,318 not like I got Tyrone the pimp waiting for me in the car. 405 00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:58,539 See, when you talk 406 00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:01,498 it totally freaks me out. 407 00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,370 I was just thinkin' the same thing. 408 00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,504 I found a really cute pair of earrings 409 00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:09,245 that I think might go with that outfit. 410 00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,117 Hang on, let me just put 411 00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,423 a little more concealer on your mustache. 412 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,688 Okay and.. 413 00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:21,127 ...voila. 414 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,303 Peggy, you look great. Nice job! 415 00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:25,131 Thanks. 416 00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:27,307 It was fun getting to do the back of her neck. 417 00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:31,267 I usually don't get to do the back of a neck. 418 00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:34,488 Try these on. 419 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,360 My dad gave them to me for my first communion. 420 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,362 I wouldn't feel right wearing these. 421 00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:40,972 I want you to. 422 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,322 Plus they're the only pair left in the house 423 00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:44,280 that you haven't written off as hooker hoops. 424 00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,110 Okay? 425 00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:50,721 They...and you 426 00:17:50,808 --> 00:17:52,288 'look beautiful.' 427 00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:54,334 You clean up pretty good, huh? 428 00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:58,642 This isn't me. 429 00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:01,210 No, it's a reflection of you. 430 00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:08,783 I can't do this. 431 00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:10,176 Peggy! 432 00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,134 Peggy! 433 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:15,268 I appreciate your help, but this whole Saturday night fever 434 00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:17,400 shake-your-bootie lifestyle ain't for me. 435 00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,186 Come on, Peggy, calm down. 436 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,797 No, no, I've gone down this road before 437 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,191 and I'll tell you where it leads, heartache. 438 00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:26,844 Hey, everyone has had their heart broken. 439 00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:28,672 I certainly have. 440 00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,153 But if I'd just given up, I-I never would have met Mike. 441 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,503 Right there, there's another reason not to go. 442 00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:34,852 I don't want my little boy thinking 443 00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:36,332 that his mother is some kinda 444 00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:39,335 tavern-hoppin' hotsie-totsie. 445 00:18:39,422 --> 00:18:41,163 Oh, he would never think that. 446 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,905 In fact, if he could see how beautiful you looked right now 447 00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:47,474 I know he would want you to go out and enjoy yourself. 448 00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:50,912 You told him, didn't you? 449 00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:56,352 I most certainly did not, Peggy. 450 00:18:57,658 --> 00:18:59,964 You told me that in confidence. 451 00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:02,706 Now, I understand that you are nervous, Peggy 452 00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,143 but it took the work of three women 453 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:08,799 to get you looking presentable-ly beautiful. 454 00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,410 And I'm not gonna let you waste this 455 00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:13,326 sittin' on the couch eating day-old meat loaf. 456 00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:16,155 Now give me the dog and go have a good time. 457 00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,036 Thanks for, you know. 458 00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:30,125 You're welcome, Peggy. 459 00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:32,040 Call me Mrs. Biggs. 460 00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:37,785 The poor bastard at the Red Lobster has no idea 461 00:19:37,872 --> 00:19:39,917 what he's gotten himself into. 462 00:19:40,004 --> 00:19:43,138 Ugh! Boy, we have got to get you off the bargain chow! 463 00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:50,580 [sighs] 464 00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:51,929 Where the hell is she? 465 00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:53,844 The Red Lobster closed an hour ago. 466 00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:55,759 How do you know that? 467 00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:56,934 Look at him. 468 00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:58,109 You don't think he's closed a few 469 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,374 all-you-can-eat places in his day? 470 00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:03,985 I'm just saying, allowing for drive time 471 00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:06,422 going by Molly's to pick up Jim 472 00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,076 she should've been home by now. 473 00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,383 Well, they might still be in the parking lot. 474 00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:12,428 Your mom's got that big-ass impala 475 00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:15,126 the backseat's like a daybed. 476 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,955 Cut it out! That's not funny! 477 00:20:18,042 --> 00:20:19,914 Headlights, car, car, car! 478 00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:22,569 [car approaches] 479 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,527 - Is that her? - Yep. 480 00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:26,225 Garage door up. 481 00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:28,662 Car inside. 482 00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,272 Garage door down. 483 00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:31,665 Safe and sound. 484 00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:33,144 Ah! Great. Your mom's still a virgin. 485 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,668 - Can we go now? - Absolutely. 486 00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:39,499 Hang on, there's another car pulling in the drive. 487 00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:41,849 What the hell? 488 00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:45,331 I told you, it's an old man's game. 489 00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:52,512 [theme music]