[instrumental music]
Hi, my name's Mike. I'm an over eater.
[all in unison] Hi, Mike.
I had a pretty good week.
I lost two more pounds.
[applause]
And that was before I cut my hair
flossed my teeth and pulled a dust bunny
from my belly button.
Let's just call it an even three.
My point is, the winter weight is slowly starting to melt away.
That doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet.
In fact, I'm looking at what could be
the biggest food challenge of the year
for any Chicago sports fan.
I'm talking about Opening Day at Wrigley Field.
Alright? Cold beer, chili dogs, salted peanuts.
Those little cups of chocolate ice cream.
You know, that you eat with the tiny wooden spoon?
You're still sucking the flavor out of the wood grain
while you're ordering the next one.
[chuckling]
This year, I'm sticking to my diet.
I'm pitching a no-eater.
When I stand up for the seventh-inning stretch
there'll be no crumbs, peanut shells, or candy wrappers
falling from my vintage Ryne Sandberg Cubs Jersey.
It's all about discipline.
I'm gonna keep my eyes on the ball
away from the vendors and pray to God
we don't go into extra innings.
I'm gonna do it this year
but more importantly
the Cubbies are gonna do it this year.
I'm planning on dieting through the playoffs
all the way to the World Series.
Now who's with me? Cubs! Cubs!
[all chanting] Cubs! Cubs! Cubs! Cubs! Cubs!
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Man, I'm looking forward to this game.
And this year, I got a new pair of blue blocker sunglasses
so I ain't losing any more foul balls to the sun.
You didn't lose that ball in the sun
you lost that ball to a six-year-old girl.
She bit me.
Ah, baseball season again.
You know, we have something similar in my country.
- No kiddin'. - 'Yes.'
One man stands in the field holding a large stick
another man throws a stone at him.
Then the man with the stick
chases the man who threw the stone.
Oh. And you call that baseball?
No, it's called, "stay away from my goats
you rock-throwing bastards."
Similar to your sport, except instead of hot dogs and beer
we have drought and starvation.
Go, Cubbies!
Hey, Carl, what would you think about, um
me asking Molly to go to the game with us?
Sure. Why don't I ask my grandma to go, too?
Better yet, let's just skip the game
and we can all just make a quilt and do each other's hair.
A simple "I don't care for the idea" would suffice.
Well, I'm just sayin', Opening Day is our tradition.
And besides, we only got the two tickets.
Yeah, but I could trade those two for three in the bleachers.
What? I stood in line all night for those field-level tickets.
I had to pee in my thermos.
But Molly's my girlfriend
and I should include her in everything I do
because shared experiences and memorable moments
are what bring a couple closer together.
You're reading her magazines now, aren't you?
I can't help it, she leaves them in the crapper
and the sports section only gets me halfway home.
Look, there's nothing wrong with you guys
doing things apart from each other.
Yeah, but isn't that one of the top-ten warning signs
that your man is cheating?
Dude, seriously, you gotta read a little less
and push a little harder.
[instrumental music]
Oh. That's where my Cosmo went.
Yeah, I wanted to finish this article
on finding the female g-spot.
Gotta be honest, looks like a two-man job.
Yeah, or a one woman job.
Hey, I only have to work a half day tomorrow.
I was thinking we could go grab lunch.
Oh, I can't. I'm going to the Cubs game with Carl.
You guys are going to Opening Day?
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, I wasn't trying to exclude you from anything.
This is just an annual ritual that I have with Carl.
Oh, I get it. It's a guy thing.
Exactly. It's like growing a beard, or peeing standing up.
Might not be fair, but I didn't make the rules.
Actually, I'm okay with being excluded
from both of those things.
Besides, it's baseball.
You'd probably be bored to tears.
No, I love baseball.
Used to go to the games all the time with my dad.
We'd take the El to the ballpark
I'd sit on his lap and keep the scorecard.
Some of my best memories of him are at those baseball games.
- Really? - Yeah.
That was our special time together.
Just me and my pop.
You know, I haven't gone to a single game since he died.
- You're kiddin'? - No.
So I completely understand how much this
tradition means to you guys.
Goodnight, sweetie. Sleep tight.
Now, Michael, be sure and make a big fuss
over Carlton's new baseball mitt.
He's been breaking that thing in all month.
I promise to "ooh" and "ah."
I'm just happy to see the boy
oiling something other than himself.
Hey, what are you doing here so early?
Batting practice doesn't start for another 45 minutes.
I'm just excited to get to the park.
Cheering on my favorite team, with my best buddy.
Oh, we got to make one little stop on the way.
- What stop? - No big deal.
Hey, is that a new mitt?
Oh... ah..
You invited Molly to come with us, didn't you?
Oh, man!
- I knew you'd fold! - I had to.
She used to go to the games with her dead dad.
They'd take the train, they'd sit in each other's laps..
I don't know, you gotta hear her tell it.
And because of that, I gotta sit in the bleachers?
Hey, I didn't kill the man. Why do I have to be punished?
I'll sit in the bleachers. You two can sit down front.
Oh, I see, you get to enjoy the game
while I entertain your girlfriend.
Fine, then you sit in the bleachers.
Which is exactly what you wanted.
Boy, quit going on and on.
You talkin' about a baseball game.
Acting like Michael stood you up for the junior prom.
Well, he asked me to go first.
Is it any wonder that everybody at my church
has you in their special prayers?
Listen, we'll take turns in the bleachers.
I promise I won't let her ruin our day.
Fine. She can come.
But I am not the third wheel.
- She is the third wheel. - I get it.
We're the motorcycle and she's the sidecar.
No, we're the Winnebago, and she's the little ski-doo
we're dragging behind us.
Hey, this Winnebago lost three pounds last week.
Well, I already told you how good you looked.
It's just nice to hear once in a while.
Good Lord, the two of them might as well move to Las Vegas
get a couple of white tigers and start a magic show.
Lookie what I found.
Oh, my God. Dad's old Cubbie cap.
Oh.
Ah, it smells just like him.
Vitalis and Old Spice.
[laughs]
Dad sure loved the Old Spice, didn't he, mom?
That's all you girls ever gave him for Christmas
his birthday and Father's Day.
He used to have to slap it on pretty heavy
just to keep it from piling up.
Yeah, I have a weird memory of him using that stuff
to start the grill.
Starting the grill, getting paint off his hands
killing ants..
[Victoria] 'Oh, my God.'
If you were a little bustier, you'd look just like dad.
Boy, he loved taking you to the games.
You were his little tomboy.
I remember as soon as we'd get to the ballpark
he'd always order his one beer
and then give me a little sip of the suds.
Well, he'd usually slam down four or five
before you even left the house.
That's the reason you had to take the train.
It's gonna be weird, you know?
I-I've never been to a game without him.
[Joyce] Don't worry.
He'll be there with you in spirit.
I know he's sittin' up there right now
looking down on all of us.
Hm, kinda like when he used to take
the lawn chair up on the roof with a cooler of beer.
Yeah.
Except without the neighbors complaining
because he's throwing rocks at cars
or peeing in the drainpipe.
[instrumental music]
Carl, I'll be happy to sit in back
if you wanna be up front.
No, I'm fine.
Didn't camp out overnight for those two seats.
- Hmm? What? - Nothing.
He's just being funny.
[chuckles]
Hey, I really appreciate you guys inviting me along.
And don't think you have to give me any special treatment.
Just consider me one of the fellas.
Shouldn't be a problem, I'm able to consider Carl
one of the fellas, ha ha!
See, that's what we do for fun we bust each other's stones
give each other little zings, ha-cha!
Oh...well, hey!
You can do that with me, too.
Feel free to give me little zings and bust my stones.
- Girls don't have stones. - Not her fault, Carl.
Okay, look, I-I realize I'm a guest here
so I should be the one to take the seat in the bleachers.
- I agree. - No.
I think we should work out some sort of seating schedule.
- I disagree. - Hear me out.
We'll rotate every couple innings.
That way, nobody feels left out.
Oh, it sounds too complicated.
Oh. It's actually pretty easy.
Just in case, I-I worked out
a little round-Robin rotation
where we alternate every three innings
and if we go extra innings
we just pull a name out of a hat.
Does anybody have a hat?
[chuckling]
This is gonna be fun, huh?
♪ Land of the free ♪
♪ And the home of the brave ♪
[crowd cheering]
Alright! Alright! Alright!
Play ball!
Are you sure you don't mind me eating this in front of you?
Don't worry about me, I got a tub of carrot sticks.
America's favorite ballpark snack.
I'm only having it for my dad.
I get it.
It's a ritual that you shared with your father.
Exactly. It's a little tribute to my pop.
- Well, you enjoy it. - Okay.
- Oh, my God. - Is it good?
No.
Not at all.
Very disappointing, in fact.
I mean, I'm gonna finish it
because I don't-I don't like to be wasteful
but this is not a good dog, not at all.
Thanks for sparing my feelings. Just enjoy your hot dog.
Aw, thank you.
Mm-Hm.
Whoo!
Man, look at the two of them down there in my seats.
Man, I almost caught pneumonia getting those tickets
and here I am, stuck in the bleachers.
As a true cub fan, I believe the bleachers provide the best
vantage point to fully appreciate
and experience the game.
Uh-huh.
Plus, you can reach up and grab a bird or touch an airplane.
You're exaggerating for effect
but I did see a pigeon fly into a guy's eye one time.
It was against St. Louis, 1995.
I was sitting exactly where I'm sitting right now.
I'm also wearing the same pants.
[audience cheering]
Come on!
Let me ask you
if the bleacher seats are so good
why are you staring at that little TV
instead of looking at the field?
I enjoy the color commentary
and the humorous anecdotes about the players.
Are you gonna be this confrontational
throughout the entire game?
I'm sorry, I'm a little on edge.
I've been coming to Opening Day for five years
with my best friend and this year
he decided to bring his girlfriend.
Ouch.
But way cool to have a buddy with a girlfriend, right?
Up high. Down low, too slow.
[laughs]
[instrumental music]
When my dad and I would always go to the games
it was my job to keep score.
I always thought he did it to help me learn math
but I think now it was because
he was too hammered to hold a pen.
Oh, wave, wave, wave!
Come on, people! Represent!
Wow, I had no idea you were such a baseball fan.
Well, if you didn't fall asleep after we had sex
you might learn a thing or two about me.
Ha-cha! I'm busting your stones.
You should've worn a cup.
Maybe I can borrow yours. Ha-cha!
Hey.
Thanks for bringing me today, Mike.
I forgot how much I loved coming to these games.
I'm glad you're here.
The minute I cleared the turnstile, I was just..
...flooded with so many memories.
Some of the best times my dad and I ever had
were right here in this ballpark.
Alright, sweetie, it's okay.
[sobbing] No, I'm fine. I'm fine. This is good.
My dad was the best, you know?
If I'd have known I had such little time with him..
Come on, Mol, hold it together.
[crying]
She's a little upset.
She thought it was bobblehead day.
[crowd cheering]
Well, looks like Molly's honoring
her dad with a frosty malt.
Hm.
Nothing like a ballpark hot dog, huh?
Hm, it's like heaven wrapped in a pig intestine.
Normally I would share
but your loudmouth friend ate half my nachos.
And contrary to popular opinion, I'm not the food fairy.
No, I'm set. I got my carrot sticks.
Fresh off the grill of mother earth.
If you already have a girlfriend
why are you still on a diet?
Getting a girlfriend doesn't eliminate your problems.
You still gotta watch what you eat.
The key is discipline.
I am all about discipline.
That's why I got into karate.
It provides me both mental and physical balance.
Uh-huh. Plus, an excuse to walk around in drawstring pajamas.
Believe me, a black belt isn't that impressive
when it's 52 inches long.
Ah, well played, sensei.
Pass it down.
Hey, pal, you gonna pass it or what?
Is it against the law for a man to smell a hot dog?
[crowd cheering]
I just always thought my dad would be there, you know?
To watch me graduate from high school
or give me away at my wedding.
But you're lucky.
At least you got some good memories of your dad.
My old man had to work two jobs
just to make ends meet and I never saw him.
Ever?
Well, if I didn't see his shoes, I knew he was at work.
And if I did see his shoes, I knew I had to be quiet
'cause he was asleep.
Oh, that's terrible.
Do you know I never got to see one baseball game with him?
Share some peanuts..
...catch a foul ball.
That's probably why I make such a big deal out of Opening Day.
I get it.
You're-you and Mike are doing something
that you never got to do with your dad
and I intruded on that, didn't I?
[sobbing]
Yeah, little bit.
I'm so sorry, Carl.
It's alright.
You didn't know any better.
[crowd cheering]
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God, what an amazing day.
It's just, like, been cathartic, you know?
You should come on floppy-hat or foam-finger day.
The vibe is palpable.
May I interest a lovely lady in a nice draft beer?
Oh, no, thank you, I'm fine.
And taken, by the way.
Oh, thank goodness.
Getting a little tired of holding my stomach in.
My boyfriend was the one sitting up here earlier.
The portly gent with the carrot sticks
or the African-American who scarfed my nachos?
The cute one with the carrots.
Hm, he did mention something about having a girlfriend.
But these bleachers are full of guys
claiming to have girlfriends, and their own cars.
Well, he actually has both.
I certainly can't compete with that.
Is it true he lost three pounds last week?
Yeah, it is.
Man, it comes so easy to the winners.
[instrumental music]
Carl, I'm sure your dad loved you
but he had to work and provide for your family.
I realize that, but I missed so many
moments with him because he wasn't there.
Hey, my dad was there and we never talked to each other.
We must've gone to 50 ball games together
and didn't say two words to one another.
- That's horrible! - Yeah.
And every time I did try to talk to him
he'd buy me a hot dog just to shut me up.
You know, once I asked him if he really loved my mom.
He bought me two chili dogs, a piece of pizza
and a bucket of chicken on the ride home.
And that's probably why you eat like you do.
Because you're stuffing your emotions down
because your daddy wouldn't talk to you.
You're right!
But not anymore. The cycle ends here.
I'm proud of you, man.
You know what?
I'm calling my dad in Scottsdale right now
and I'm telling him that I forgive him.
Look at me, Carl.
It's the ninth inning, and I have not had one hot dog.
You want everything on it, big guy?
Walk away! Walk away! Walk away!
Dad, it's Carlton.
[crowd cheering]
Hey!
Foul ball. Hey!
That did not just happen.
Hey, dad, guess what?
I just caught a foul ball!
Yeah!
The bad news is, the Cubs lost.
Good news is, Mike Biggs won.
I got through Opening Day without gaining a pound.
Now if I could just get past Easter, Memorial Day
and Fourth of July, I should be fine
until the Halloween candy hits the shelves.
[all laughing]
But one day at a time. Thank you.
[applause]
Nice speech. Humorous, yet heartfelt.
Glad you made it.
You've inspired me to take control of my life.
Well, if I can do it, you can do it, too.
I'm cautiously optimistic.
So, is this it for the chicks
or do more show up when the cookies are laid out?
[theme music]