1
00:00:02,785 --> 00:00:04,265
I mean, I understand that
the woman is new to the school

2
00:00:04,352 --> 00:00:06,136
and everybody's
bending over backwards

3
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:09,444
trying to make her feel welcome
but "Teacher Of The Month"?

4
00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:12,316
Puh-lease.

5
00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:14,362
That's an outrage.

6
00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:16,146
And it has nothing
to do with the fact

7
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:18,496
that I was teacher of the month
for the last six months.

8
00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:19,715
You know, two more
and I would have gotten

9
00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:23,110
to keep the ceramic owl.

10
00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:25,590
I did not know that.

11
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:26,896
Not that I'm bragging, you know.

12
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,593
Just a deserved recognition

13
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,160
for being a good teacher.

14
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:32,510
I didn't get it
for wearing a push-up bra

15
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:33,859
and giggling like an idiot

16
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:36,949
every time some man
makes a funny.

17
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,039
[chuckles]
That reminds me.

18
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:42,520
Did you hear the joke
about the blind prostitute?

19
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:45,436
Mike, I'm telling you
about my day.

20
00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:48,526
Punch line is
you gotta hand it to her.

21
00:00:48,613 --> 00:00:50,441
- You know, 'cause she's blind.
- Yeah.

22
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:52,269
[Vince]
'I tell you, Joyce'

23
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:54,489
I'm really startin' to get
the hang of this yoga malarkey.

24
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:57,318
If I get any more limber,
I won't need you anymore.

25
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,843
Hey, cowboy,
if you can do it, do it.

26
00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,845
That cuts my workload in half.

27
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:06,196
She's got you doin' yoga?

28
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:09,069
Yeah, she wants to show me off
at her high school reunion.

29
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:11,158
That's why she's got me
twisting in knots

30
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:14,291
and sniffin' my own buttocks.

31
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:17,294
I can't wait to glide into
that Sheraton banquet hall

32
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:20,036
with this hunk of Italian
sausage on my arm.

33
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:22,256
You know, when you describe
me as a piece of meat

34
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,606
it makes me feel
like a piece of meat.

35
00:01:27,565 --> 00:01:29,480
Anyway, if you ask me,
I think little

36
00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:31,874
Miss Teacher-Of-The-Month
is in for a rude awakening.

37
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:33,223
And we're back.

38
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:34,833
She's gonna, she's gonna find

39
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,487
that your field trips

40
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:38,359
and learning games
and, you know, trying to be

41
00:01:38,446 --> 00:01:40,274
best friends
with the kids is-is-is not

42
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:43,364
the, a substitute
for actual teaching.

43
00:01:43,451 --> 00:01:46,018
'I mean, she lets the kids
call her by her first name.'

44
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,500
'There is a balance between
being loving and being firm.'

45
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:51,763
'And I don't think
Miss Jennifer gets that.'

46
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:53,548
♪ For the first time ♪

47
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:57,029
♪ In my life ♪

48
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,729
♪ I see love ♪♪

49
00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:06,082
[instrumental music]

50
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,698
It's just insane the way
people are fawning all over her.

51
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,004
Oh, did I tell you
about the great

52
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:16,136
parking spot they gave her?

53
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:19,835
You did. I was appalled.

54
00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:22,316
Oh, look, "Escape From
The Planet Of The Apes is on.

55
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,361
I think that's the one where
the monkeys go back in time

56
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,103
and wear suits and get jobs.

57
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,191
Mike.

58
00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:30,541
That parking thing
is a travesty.

59
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:32,152
Right?

60
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,328
And meanwhile, I'm parking
behind the cafeteria

61
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,156
under a tree filled with birds

62
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:38,419
who apparently eat nothing
but lasagna and chocolate milk.

63
00:02:40,464 --> 00:02:43,815
My glutes are still vibrating
from that yoga class.

64
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:46,340
You could shake up
a Martini in my crack.

65
00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:51,736
Hey, I just got a batch
of Cuban cigars

66
00:02:51,823 --> 00:02:53,216
and I thought you might
want to partake.

67
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,870
That sounds great.

68
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:57,438
Mike, we're-we're in
the middle of a conversation.

69
00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:59,962
It's just the middle?

70
00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:04,836
I'd love to, Vince,
but, uh, my girlfriend

71
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:06,751
is sharing her day with me.

72
00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:10,364
Actually, we're sharing
our days with each other.

73
00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:13,584
Yeah, right. That.

74
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:15,107
Well, have you gotten
to the part

75
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,197
where you pass on an $80 cigar

76
00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:19,851
because you were pretendin'
to listen to your girlfriend?

77
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:22,637
Hey, I'm not pretending.
I listen to every word she says.

78
00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:24,639
I could tell you for
a fact that today, for lunch

79
00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:27,294
Molly had lasagna
and chocolate milk.

80
00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:34,214
Go smoke.

81
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:39,175
Nothing like the taste
of a fine Havana cigar

82
00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:40,872
smuggled through the negligent

83
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:44,049
borders of our Canadian cousins.

84
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:47,314
Lucky for the both of us,
we're burning the evidence.

85
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:50,578
Where the commies fall short
is tennis shoes and electronics.

86
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,971
Never ever buy a Cuban iPhone

87
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,626
or a pair of Air Castros.

88
00:03:57,846 --> 00:04:00,152
Good to know.

89
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,417
Listen, I wanted to talk
to you about something.

90
00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:04,983
Kind of a personal matter.

91
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:07,508
Oh, boy, everybody's
in a chatty mood tonight.

92
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:12,252
What I'm about to tell you
is strictly hush-hush.

93
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,732
'Cause if Joyce ever
found out, it would kill her.

94
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:18,388
Thank you for the cigar
and a pleasant conversation.

95
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,868
But I don't want to hear
about another woman.

96
00:04:19,955 --> 00:04:21,435
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

97
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:24,655
This ain't about me
getting some on the side. Geez.

98
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,918
I got to pop oysters
and stiffy pills

99
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:31,096
just to keep up with
the big red machine in there.

100
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:33,621
Good, 'cause I really want
to finish that cigar.

101
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,100
Come on, sit down.

102
00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:37,102
Take a considerable load off.

103
00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:44,849
Okay, here it is.

104
00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:48,026
All this talk about
Joyce's high school reunion

105
00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:50,725
has made me feel bad
about not bein'

106
00:04:50,812 --> 00:04:52,988
a high school graduate.

107
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:54,685
- Is that it?
- Yeah.

108
00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:56,948
What'd you think, I was gonna
profess my love to you?

109
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,648
No, it's just that
not graduating from

110
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,519
high school
isn't that big a deal.

111
00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:03,955
It is to me.

112
00:05:04,042 --> 00:05:06,480
And I've never told that
to another livin' soul.

113
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:07,611
You're kidding.

114
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:09,396
Well, I was gonna confide it

115
00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:11,354
to my wife on
her death bed but we had

116
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:14,923
so many other
important things to talk about.

117
00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:16,185
Of course.

118
00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:18,100
Code to the alarm system.

119
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,798
Her recipe for manicotti.

120
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:23,975
What dry cleaners
my good black suit was at.

121
00:05:27,022 --> 00:05:28,937
Well, if you're worried about
what Joyce will think

122
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,155
I'm sure she'll understand.

123
00:05:30,242 --> 00:05:31,461
Joyce must never know.

124
00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:33,681
I don't want her
to find out my worldly

125
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:37,685
sophisticated exterior
is nothin' but a facade.

126
00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:40,601
You know, technically,
the exterior is the facade.

127
00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:42,385
I think it's French
or something.

128
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,735
See, that right there
is why I don't tell people.

129
00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:48,173
You're already talking
to me like I'm an idiot.

130
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,871
No, I'm just saying,
you shouldn't feel bad

131
00:05:49,958 --> 00:05:51,220
about not graduating
high school.

132
00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,701
Easy for you to say,
you're a learned man.

133
00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:55,355
Well, I wouldn't say "learned"

134
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:57,444
but I had a strong
C average in high school

135
00:05:57,531 --> 00:05:59,359
which made the transition
to junior college

136
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,578
a smooth path.

137
00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:03,580
Hang on, you're telling me
you went to college?

138
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,930
Two full years
and a mandatory summer session.

139
00:06:06,017 --> 00:06:08,542
That was eighth grade for me!

140
00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,631
Geometry made me its bitch.

141
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,852
Well, why don't you just
get your G.E.D.?

142
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,941
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

143
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:18,334
You're a government employee.

144
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,423
Maybe you could pull
a couple of strings

145
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:23,383
and slide me one
under the table.

146
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,254
Doesn't really work that way.

147
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,299
This isn't something I can just
fix, like a parking ticket.

148
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,953
You told me you
couldn't fix parking tickets.

149
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,215
I can't.

150
00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:33,131
Then why are you
dangling the carrot?

151
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:34,742
Look, if you wanna get
your G.E.D.

152
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:36,396
you gotta take the test.

153
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,093
But lucky for you,
there's a woman in that house

154
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:39,137
that can help you study.

155
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,704
You mean Molly.

156
00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:42,402
Voted "Teacher Of The Month"
six times in a row.

157
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:47,407
She received
the coveted ceramic owl.

158
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,452
She doesn't really
like me, though.

159
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:52,107
I mean, I get that kids
are always stand-offish

160
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:55,197
when they know
you're banging their mom.

161
00:06:55,284 --> 00:06:58,200
But she goes the extra mile.

162
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:02,073
Yeah, she has yet to succumb
to your unique charms.

163
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,814
Plus, women
tell each other everything

164
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,729
and she'll end up
blabbin' it to Joyce.

165
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:07,035
Can't argue with you there.

166
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:09,429
That family could
talk underwater.

167
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:14,346
Hey, maybe
you could get a tutor.

168
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,478
How 'bout you?

169
00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:16,958
I don't know,
I was always kind of

170
00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:19,351
a wing and a prayer
kind of student.

171
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,180
They used to call me
Mr. Cliff Notes.

172
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,747
But what about junior college?

173
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:26,968
That's really just a high school
where you can smoke.

174
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,491
My point exactly.

175
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:31,494
If a load like you can get
kicked through the system

176
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:33,365
there's still hope for me.

177
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,411
Well, that's not flattering

178
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,369
but I can certainly see
what got you there.

179
00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,288
[door opens]

180
00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:45,203
A shower was a good idea.

181
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,292
I am fresh as a Daisy.

182
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:50,470
Unfortunately, now your loofah
smells like cigar smoke and BO.

183
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:55,039
Sexy.

184
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,911
Did you and Vince
have a good time tonight?

185
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,043
It was okay.
He's a decent enough guy.

186
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:02,307
See, that's where
you and I part ways.

187
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:03,961
What did he want
to talk to you about?

188
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:06,703
Nothing in particular.
Just cigar talk.

189
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,575
- "Cigar talk"?
- 'You know.'

190
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,925
This is a good cigar.
Glad you like it.

191
00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,622
I like it a lot.
Hey, is that a cat?

192
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:14,885
No, it's a possum.
Cigar talk.

193
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:17,801
Well, I guess that's more fun

194
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,238
than having a conversation
with your girlfriend.

195
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:22,937
Only because of the cigars
and the possum sighting.

196
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:27,724
May I offer you some
squeaky-clean loving?

197
00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:29,334
Hang on, hang on.

198
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:32,860
So Vince just wanted
to give you an $80 cigar

199
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:34,905
and didn't want
anything in return?

200
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,342
Same guy that offered
you a box of steaks

201
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,519
in exchange for a
handicap parking pass?

202
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:40,998
I felt bad about that.

203
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:44,959
He already bought those
nice aluminum crutches.

204
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:47,178
But tonight, he just wanted to
share something in confidence.

205
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,485
You know, man-to-man.

206
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,400
Doesn't have anything to
do with my mom, does it?

207
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,010
Not really, I mean,
other than the fact

208
00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:55,404
he doesn't want her
to know about it.

209
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:56,797
Wait a minute,
are you telling me

210
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,494
that he's keeping
something from her?

211
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:02,759
Just because
he's deeply ashamed.

212
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:04,413
Okay, so if that's
a "no" on the sex

213
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,284
I will bid you goodnight.

214
00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:10,854
[instrumental music]

215
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,421
What can I do?

216
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:14,989
A man tells me a secret,
I got to take it to the grave.

217
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,991
Of course.

218
00:09:17,078 --> 00:09:20,211
So Vince Moranto didn't
graduate high school.

219
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:22,474
And you can understand why I
couldn't tell Molly that, right?

220
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,651
Yeah, absolutely.
It's a personal, private matter.

221
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:28,089
And we all know women are
notorious blabbermouths.

222
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:30,221
I hate to say it, but it is
kind of true, isn't it?

223
00:09:30,308 --> 00:09:32,267
I tell my grandma one secret
and the next thing you know

224
00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:33,834
everybody in church is
peeking around to see

225
00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,053
if I'm really going commando
underneath my choir robe.

226
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:38,752
You actually do that?

227
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,057
If they spent the money
on air-conditionin'

228
00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:41,755
instead of that
stupid youth bus

229
00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:43,017
I wouldn't have to
be swinging low

230
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:46,498
while I'm singin'
Sweet Chariot.

231
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,065
Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

232
00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:50,372
Molly's mom's boyfriend told
Mike something in confidence

233
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,504
and now Molly's upset because
Mike didn't tell her what it is.

234
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,858
Oh...women love
the gossip, don't they?

235
00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:00,774
In Senegal, I once dated
two sisters at the same time

236
00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,210
and it was less than a week

237
00:10:02,297 --> 00:10:04,821
before they blabbed it
to each other.

238
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:07,215
Then on top of that, they
tried to make me the bad guy.

239
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,435
So what is the big secret?

240
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,481
Vince didn't
graduate high school.

241
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:14,744
Interesting.

242
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:19,270
You know, Henry the cook
is a dropout, too.

243
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,229
But you didn't hear it from me.

244
00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:27,714
So, I was looking through
one of the study guides

245
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,019
and they say
the best way to start

246
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:30,760
is by taking a sample test.

247
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:32,632
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Right to it?

248
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,024
No foreplay?

249
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:36,244
You don't want
to dance or rub zippers?

250
00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,993
Look, this is just a way to find
out where your weak areas are

251
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,690
and what we need
to concentrate on.

252
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:49,736
I can tell you
what my weak areas are.

253
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:52,129
Processing dairy
and takin' tests.

254
00:10:52,216 --> 00:10:54,871
And they both turn
my bowels into an ass cannon.

255
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:57,874
Vince, relax.

256
00:10:57,961 --> 00:11:00,137
And remember, most of
this stuff is just common sense.

257
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:01,748
So take your time
and do your best.

258
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:05,142
Alright.

259
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:07,275
"Which of the following
political actions

260
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:10,844
"violated the principles
of unalienable rights of liberty

261
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:14,412
that evolved from the U.S.
Declaration Of Independence?"

262
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,240
Is this for high school
or to become

263
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,548
President of the United States?

264
00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:22,029
Come on, just think
it through and break it down.

265
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:23,944
I told you,
I don't break things down well

266
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:26,250
and I had
a milk shake for lunch.

267
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,252
Alright, let's just move on
to the next question.

268
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:29,645
Fine.

269
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:32,822
"Which three of the
original 13 colonies.."

270
00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,084
For crying out loud

271
00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:38,045
I don't know if this
is math or history.

272
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:41,526
I'm not really sure where
they're headed, either.

273
00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:44,007
Just forget it.
I'm not good at tests.

274
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,748
I never been good at tests.

275
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:48,533
I get nervous,
I can't focus, I get fidgety.

276
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:51,232
- A.D.D.?
- Hey, I can add.

277
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:58,152
I just don't like tests.

278
00:11:58,239 --> 00:12:01,068
- Bathroom break.
- Vince, we just got started.

279
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:03,026
Wasn't really a question.

280
00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:11,034
This one right here
was prom queen

281
00:12:11,121 --> 00:12:13,210
junior and senior year.

282
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,734
She's a cute little filly.

283
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:17,258
Now she's a
beer-hauling Clydesdale.

284
00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:22,654
Well, that prom queen
is gonna be green with envy

285
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,527
when she sees you walkin' in,
with your yoga booty

286
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:27,007
and your sexy man on your arm.

287
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:28,443
Oh, yeah.

288
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,750
She'll be snortin'
and stompin' her hoof.

289
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:36,364
I better bring some
carrots and sugar cubes.

290
00:12:36,451 --> 00:12:38,105
Ooh, something smells
good in here.

291
00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:39,802
I'm trying a new brownie recipe.

292
00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:42,326
The secret is less
brownie, more pot.

293
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:46,461
Don't burn it
like the last batch.

294
00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:48,550
I was second-hand
high for a week.

295
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:53,033
So...where's Vince tonight?

296
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,905
Mm, he said he had to work late,
but he's comin' over later.

297
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:58,429
Ooh, that reminds me.
I gotta wax the wigglies.

298
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:04,131
Hey, is, uh, everything
okay with you two?

299
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:06,307
Sure.

300
00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:09,223
You didn't notice anything
odd about his behavior?

301
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:11,486
Well, he's been
a little cranky lately

302
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:13,140
but he's probably
just annoyed at me

303
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,185
for pushing him
to lose weight, grow hair

304
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:19,973
and have his neck
wattle taped back.

305
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:22,627
- Why do you ask?
- Oh, no reason.

306
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,629
You're my mom. I love you.

307
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:26,240
Just want to make sure
you're happy.

308
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,851
- Oh. Well, thank you, baby.
- Oh.

309
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,812
- I am.
- Good.

310
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,078
Working late.

311
00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:41,037
That dirt-bag's not
even a good liar.

312
00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:44,475
- What's goin' on?
- I don't know for sure.

313
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,651
But I know that he and Mike
had a little secret

314
00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:48,262
man talk last night
and Mike's being

315
00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:50,351
very cagey about it.

316
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:51,700
You don't think
Vince is doing anything

317
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,093
behind mom's back, do you?

318
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,312
See, that's where
my mind went, too.

319
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:57,053
Oh, my God, he's
cheating on her, isn't he?

320
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,229
You did not hear that from me.

321
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,757
How long is it going to
take you to grade this thing?

322
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,455
Hang on a second.

323
00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:10,458
"Add the combined scores
of sentence structure

324
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,025
"and usage with the subtotal of

325
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,984
language arts from page three."

326
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:18,814
Man, this is like putting
together a bookcase from Ikea.

327
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,295
You know what? Forget about it.
I'm sure I flunked.

328
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:24,646
No. Now, just hang on a second.
We don't know that.

329
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:26,039
Bup, bup, bup.

330
00:14:26,126 --> 00:14:29,172
Carry the two.

331
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:32,741
Now we know that you flunked.

332
00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:34,656
My old man always
told me I was an idiot.

333
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,484
You know what? He was right.

334
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:37,920
Come on, you're not an idiot.

335
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,661
You're just not
a good test taker.

336
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:42,185
Remarkably bad, in fact.

337
00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,405
Well, how else am I
gonna get a G.E.D.?

338
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:46,668
Abraham Lincoln never
graduated high school.

339
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:48,017
He did pretty well for himself.

340
00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:50,280
Yeah, except for getting
shot in the head.

341
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,631
To be fair,
a high school diploma's

342
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:56,634
not gonna stop a bullet.

343
00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:59,159
So you're saying I just gotta
live with my secret shame?

344
00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:00,943
Everybody's got one.

345
00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,858
I'll share mine with you,
if it makes you feel better.

346
00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:04,947
Food?

347
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:10,431
Maybe.

348
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:11,649
The point is,
the more you try to

349
00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:13,216
hide it the worse
it's going to feel.

350
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:15,566
Why don't you just go to Joyce
and tell her the truth?

351
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,177
- I don't know.
- You'll feel a lot better.

352
00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:18,743
And the woman loves you.

353
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:21,355
She's not going to judge you
over something like that.

354
00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:23,357
Would you mind going
with me to tell her?

355
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,185
You know, for moral support.

356
00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:27,709
- I'd be happy to.
- Alright.

357
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:30,146
Boy, I hope she's
gonna be okay

358
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:32,627
when she finds out
her erudite prince

359
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:34,759
is just a well-hung frog.

360
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,633
"Erudite"? I can't believe

361
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,678
you didn't score higher
on the verbal.

362
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:48,425
Listen, when I get in there,
I may embellish my reasons

363
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:50,775
for droppin' outta school
a little bit.

364
00:15:50,862 --> 00:15:53,822
Papa got sick,
I had to work the fields.

365
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,650
Care for the other young'uns.

366
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:58,609
Somethin' in that vein.

367
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,263
For another cigar,
I'll tell her you were

368
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:02,222
a coal miner's daughter.

369
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,662
- What is going on here, Mike?
- I gotta talk to your mom.

370
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,490
He just needs to get
somethin' off his chest.

371
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:12,058
Yeah? What's that?
The breasts of a younger woman?

372
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,888
Joyce, doll, why you crying?

373
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,847
I know all about
your dirty little secret.

374
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:20,457
Who told you?
Did you tell her?

375
00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:22,590
I didn't tell anybody.
Except Carl and Samuel.

376
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:23,678
Oh!

377
00:16:23,765 --> 00:16:25,114
You could tell Carl and Samuel

378
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,508
but you couldn't tell me!

379
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,770
You really thought you could

380
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:30,076
keep something
like that from me?

381
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,903
Boy, you're dumber
than I thought.

382
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,905
I had to work the fields.

383
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,868
You're such a pig!

384
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:42,262
Whoa, I'm sorry
I didn't tell you

385
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,916
but you're kind of
makin' me feel bad.

386
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,527
Well, you should feel bad.

387
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:47,658
You're cheating on my mother.

388
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:48,790
- What?
- Mm-hmm.

389
00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:50,313
I never cheated on you.

390
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,662
Then why you
showing up here with your tail

391
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,273
tucked between your legs?

392
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,971
I came to tell you I don't
have a high school diploma.

393
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:59,583
And now, thanks to Lumpy,
the study partner, I never will.

394
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,585
What?

395
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,544
I was ashamed to tell you,
'cause I thought

396
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:04,719
you'd think less of me.

397
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,938
But apparently you already do.

398
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,984
You told me he was
having an affair!

399
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:11,508
No, now..

400
00:17:11,595 --> 00:17:14,294
...I didn't exactly
use those words.

401
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:16,644
It's all moot.
Damage is done.

402
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,604
I got this, mom.

403
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:24,608
"Moot".. The man is a wordsmith.

404
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:28,221
Vince, wait.

405
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,050
Look, I get that I'm not
your favorite person

406
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:33,400
but I never thought
you'd spread lies about me.

407
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:34,488
I'm sorry.

408
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,272
I may not have
a formal education

409
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:38,840
or a high school diploma,
but I got a heart.

410
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:42,148
And you stuck a knife in it
by way of my back.

411
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:45,107
I know. I-I made
a terrible mistake.

412
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:47,109
Let me-let me make it up to you.

413
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,938
How? A kick in the groin?
No, thank you.

414
00:17:50,025 --> 00:17:52,810
- Hey! Moranto!
- What?

415
00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:54,856
I think you owe me
an apology, too.

416
00:17:54,943 --> 00:17:57,250
I mean, you have an actual
teacher right here

417
00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:58,686
and you asked Mike to tutor you.

418
00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:00,644
I regret that deeply.

419
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:04,822
The only thing
I learned from that guy

420
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:06,607
is that
the Chicago Police Department

421
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:08,783
is not
a very picky organization.

422
00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:13,309
Come on. Give me a chance.

423
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:15,311
Why you want to help me?

424
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:18,532
Well, it's why I
became a teacher.

425
00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:20,751
And seeing as that
you're my mom's fiance

426
00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:24,190
that...kinda makes you family.

427
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:26,148
- Family?
- Kind of.

428
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:30,848
Damn it, you're
a tough nut to crack.

429
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:33,460
But I love you, snowball,
I really do.

430
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:35,462
Okay, okay.

431
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:39,030
Oh, Vince, I'm so sorry
I doubted you.

432
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,468
We just didn't know
what to think, Vince.

433
00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:43,426
But stupid is so much
better than cheater.

434
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,431
I forgive all you broads.

435
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,346
Hey, where's the big guy?

436
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:52,957
Yes! The apes do
wear suits and get jobs.

437
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,617
Wow, I can't believe
you got Vince

438
00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:02,924
to actually go
and take the G.E.D. exam.

439
00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:04,839
Eh, part of what a good teacher

440
00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:07,320
does is to inspire her students.

441
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:10,018
You know, instill in them that
confidence that they need

442
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:13,239
to go out and achieve
academic excellence.

443
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:14,805
Well, I guess we know why
you hold the record

444
00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,546
for Teacher Of The Month.

445
00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:18,592
Every student is different.

446
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,942
You have to figure out what
their individual needs are.

447
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:22,944
Now, for Vince,
I just had to give him

448
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:26,687
the proper tools to overcome
his fear of taking tests.

449
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:28,732
Oh, man.

450
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,081
Do you guys know what happened

451
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,301
to the two pot brownies
I was saving?

452
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:37,350
♪ Don't you want
somebody to love ♪

453
00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:41,441
♪ Don't you need
somebody to love ♪♪

454
00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,357
Done.

455
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,102
[laughing]

456
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:58,197
[theme music]