You know, these egg whites aren't bad.
I don't miss the yolk at all.
Agreed. They don't add anything to the overall egg experience.
Except maybe texture, color and flavor.
Well, in my mind this is a way better breakfast than, say
a caramel Frappuccino and a doughnut.
Oh, absolutely.
Are we talking about the traditional glazed doughnut
or the more cakey kind?
I'm talking about the little mini chocolate ones.
You can have one on each finger and still
hold a cup of coffee.
You know, there's a Dunkin' Donuts exactly
one-point-two miles from here.
One-point-two? And you know that how?
I was going for my power walk, wearing my pedometer.
By the way, you can start smelling 'em at point-eight.
Okay, okay. We have really gotta stop this.
What, as long as we're sticking to our diets
we can at least fantasize, right?
Hey, the snickers we shared in bed
last night was not a fantasy.
Was to me.
Besides, it was just a fun size
and we burned those calories off
right away, if you know what I mean.
Technically, I burned those calories off.
Yeah, but I was rooting you on.
And I appreciate that.
But I'm gonna be good until Victoria's birthday party.
And then I'm gonna have apiece of cake
the size of my head.
I thought your sister didn't wanna make a big deal
about her birthday.
It's her 30th, it's a milestone
and we're all having cake.
End of discussion.
Well, I remember I turned 30, me and a couple of buddies
went to Vegas and we hooked up with these two-for-one
coupons at an all-you-can-eat buffet..
...had a nice dinner, went home early, didn't do anything.
I'll never forget that night.
Mornin'.
- You're just gettin' home? - Yeah.
After the club closed, there was an after-party
in the parking lot then an after-after-party
in the bouncer's pop-up camper.
Well, bong hit, bath and bed.
Party for your sister.
Good idea.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
I can't believe you ladies have never seen The Godfather.
I've tried to get Joyce to watch it
a thousand times, but we always end up
watching some stupid chick flick.
And I'm not talkin' the good girl-on-girl kind.
Why don't you make her an offer that she can't refuse?
I did, I said, "If I have to watch Pretty Woman one more time
you're gonna sleep with the fishes."
I love "Pretty Woman."
It really makes being a hooker look like fun.
Shh.
[Man on TV] 'I believe in America.'
'America has made my fortune.'
'And I raised my daughter in the American fashion.'
Who's this guy?
Are you gonna talk through the whole thing?
Sorry. I just wanted to know who that guy is.
You're not supposed to know who that guy is yet.
Fine. I'll wait.
[Man on TV] 'I gave her freedom, but I taught her'
'never to dishonor her family.'
Did you remember to order the cake for Victoria's birthday?
You know, I wanted to ask you, do you think
we should do cake or just cupcakes?
Oh, cupcakes are a smart idea.
You don't waste as much, people can take them home if they want.
This is the greatest movie ever
and all you're talking about is cupcakes.
You know, now that I hear it out loud, I think I'm back to cake.
- Are you done? - Sorry.
'With another boyfriend.'
'They made her drink whiskey.'
Hey, what are you guys doing?
Oh, just hanging out. You wanna join us?
No, I don't wanna intrude.
Don't be silly. The more the merrier.
Not so far.
Thank you for askin'.
But you're doing a couples thing
and I don't wanna be the sixth wheel.
A lost and lonely
30-year-old sixth wheel.
Oh, goodness.
You wanna go or should I?
Maybe you should both go.
I just figured by the time I turned 30
I'd have a man in my life.
Sweetie, you have nothing but men in your life.
No, I mean the same man a bunch of nights in a row.
Some folks call that a relationship.
Yeah, one of those.
So the bouncer in the pop-up camper
probably not a long-term th..
Oh, no.
You know, guys like that never are.
Neither are guys who live in Winnebagos or hot-dog trucks.
Good to know.
You show up for a second date
and their whole house has disappeared.
No note or nothing.
Just an orange extension cord hanging from the outlet
and a half-eaten bun on the curb.
Victoria, you shouldn't pin your happiness
on whether you have a man in your life or not.
Easy for you to say. You've got a boyfriend.
You want him? He's yours.
I gotta warn you, he's kind of a load.
Yeah, but at least you have somebody to be disappointed in.
Listen, you've got..
You gotta focus on what makes you happy.
You know, I mean, your job brings you
a lot of fulfillment, right?
Well, putting makeup on dead people is okay.
But as a rule, they don't give you a lot of pats on the back.
Hey, I don't get a lot of attaboys as a teacher either.
But I know if I'm reaching just one kid
then I'm truly making a difference.
Just one kid.
- That's so great. - It is.
It's just all in how you choose to look at it.
You're telling me I should have a baby.
Uh...Mom!
Coming! Anyway..
...Victoria's always been my fragile one.
It all started when she was five years old
and I lost her at the zoo.
Not entirely my fault.
I mean, if they're gonna sell beer there
mistakes will be made.
I think you should go talk to her.
Ugh. What's going on?
She wants to have a baby and she sent me
down here to ask Mike for sperm.
You lovingly declined.
Oh, thank you, because I never know
what to say in those situations.
Let's go, Vince.
If you're gonna be her stepdaddy you're gonna have to start
chiming in with some fatherly advice.
Ah, jeez, I just wanted a nice, quiet evening
watching a bunch of goombahs
blast the crap out of each other.
'Why did you go to the police?'
'Why didn't you come to me first?'
So who's this guy?
Sweetheart, raising a child
is a lot of responsibility.
There's dressing 'em and feeding 'em..
And not losing 'em in Monkeyville.
I was hammered. Give me a break.
I just feel like I've got so much
to give and nobody to give it to.
You ever think about pole dancing?
Vince, what's the matter with you?
Hey, it's good money, great exercise
and she's bringing happiness to a room
full of sad and lonely degenerates.
I think what Vince is trying to say
is that maybe this is not a good
time for you to have a baby.
No, what Vince is trying to say is that you've got a rocking bod
and you should take advantage of it before you hit 40
and your jugs become wind chimes.
Mom, make him stop talking.
Vince, get out of here and go watch your movie.
Hey, she could push it to 45 if she sleeps in a support bra
and stays off the trampoline.
Out!
Here, take this up to my sister.
- It'll make her feel better. - Oh, man.
Why are you doing this to me?
You'll be fine.
You got enough for a backup if I accidentally
eat this on the stairs?
Go.
Just so you know, if she asks for my sperm
I'm trading her straight-up for this bad boy.
Oh, hey, I was just bringing a little treat for Victoria.
Oh, good. I need a drink.
It's funny, I was schnockered when she was conceived
and now it's the only way I can
carry on a conversation with her.
Hey, there, Molly made a little treat for you
and I didn't eat any of it.
- That's so sweet of her. - Yep.
Can I have it?
Oh, right, right.
Ever since I was a little girl
if I was feeling sad
she'd make me a hot fudge sundae
with three Oreos hidden on the bottom.
They're still there. You can count them.
Want me to leave you alone with that? Maybe turn off the light?
That's how I usually do it.
Mike, what gives your life meaning?
Oh, boy.
There was a time when I would've had a glossy
photo of that sundae hangin' in my locker.
I'm serious.
Well, I know for me, my job
gives me a lot of satisfaction.
Every day, I look forward to putting on the uniform and
strapping on the side-arm and serving
the people that I'm sworn to protect.
So helping people makes you happy?
Yeah, that and feeling like I'm a part of something important.
You know, something bigger than me.
Oh, my God.
It's all so clear to me now.
- Really? - Yes.
It's obvious what I have to do.
- What's that? - I'm gonna join the Army.
Molly!
[Samuel] 'One hot beef and cheese sandwich'
with curly fries and strawberry shake.
And one can of tuna.
Thank you.
While you're enjoying that
I'll get your scratching post
and squeaky mouse.
I hope he gets fat someday.
You know, I'm proud of you.
You've been showing a lot of self-control lately.
Yesterday Molly had me take her sister
a hot fudge sundae and I didn't eat one bite of it.
And I had plenty of time alone with it too.
She never would've known.
They never do, to this day nobody at the station
can figure out why the jelly filled doughnuts
were sucked dry before the box was even open.
That's just pulling a fire alarm
and when no one's looking, jamming the straw
into the jelly reservoir.
Well, it's brilliant.
You're like Foudini.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, sweetie.
- What are you doing here? - Well..
...per your conversation with Victoria.
She decided to check out the Army Recruiting Office
and see if she could be all she could be.
Turns out I can't.
I had no idea the Army was so strict.
I mean, the whole thing is just rules, rules, rules.
It's no wonder they're always fighting with someone somewhere.
I will say, you do make that uniform look very good.
Thank you.
Seriously, I've been standing at attention
since you walked through the door.
At ease, Carl.
I just don't know if the United States Army
is ready for Private Victoria Flynn
and her two-gun salute.
You see, fellas, I'm just not a morning person
and they're all about that.
I don't even know if my alarm clock has 0500 on it.
Yeah, and apparently they still have that
"don't ask, don't show up high" policy, so..
I'm disappointed the Army wouldn't take me.
I look really hot in camouflage.
Yes, you do.
But black's really my color.
Me too.
You know, nuns wear black
and they take anybody.
Come on, Victoria. You're being silly.
Hang on, may I point out
that you don't have to become a nun
to have a relationship with God.
- Carl. - Uh.
Hey, I've found a lot of comfort in my faith
without the unrealistic expectation of celibacy.
Carl.
I could not walk this rocky path of life
without the tender guidance of my sweet and powerful savior.
Carl.
Can I walk on that path with you?
Carl.
Take my hand...and we will walk it together.
- Oh, God. - Oh, dear God.
Amen.
[instrumental music]
Do you know how many games I'm missing right now?
Suck it up. We're being supportive.
Do they serve wine before or just during?
It's a Baptist church. They don't serve wine.
- So BYOB? - There's no wine.
Well, then I have to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
I think dude would go burn one in the parking lot.
No. You already burned one in the car.
So glad you could make it, sister.
- Brother Michael, Sister Molly. - Dumb-ass Carl.
I hope after the service, you'll join us in the rectory
for cake and pie and good Christian fellowship.
- But no wine, right? - Not on the premises.
But we could hit a liquor store and drive to the beach.
If the spirit moves you, I can baptize you
in the healing waters of Lake Michigan.
Did you happen to bring a white T-shirt?
- I'm afraid not. - Oh, that's cool.
I got a few in the trunk of my car.
Carlton, you need to get your robe on
and take over the keyboard for Sister Shirese.
She's sweating something fierce
and the whole sanctuary smells like Remy Martin.
Alright, Grandma.
If you sit up close, you can watch me
work my magic on the organ.
Get your perverted self in that sanctuary.
What have I told you about trying
to use Jesus as your wingman?
As we read in First Corinthians chapter 13, verse 11:
"When I was a child
"I spoke like a child.
'"I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.'
[in unison] Yes.
'"But when I became an adult'
'I put an end to my childish ways."'
Yes.
How much longer is this thing gonna go on?
- Shh. - I'm hungry.
You sure you don't have a cough drop
or a piece of gum or something?
We ate before we left the house.
Yeah, skim milk and puffed rice. That's just food-shaped air.
Could you guys be quiet? God's talking.
Sweetie, you realize that man is not actually God.
I know. It's one of his helpers, like Santa Claus.
"I was hungry and you gave me food.
I was thirsty and you gave me drink."
I'm in hell. You don't have anything to eat?
I have two butter rum Life Savers.
You can have one of them.
I knew you were holding out on me.
Lying in the house of God. Real nice.
And when you rest in the bosom of the Lord
brothers and sisters, you shall be saved.
Amen.
When you walk with God, ha-ha-ha
you will never walk alone
'for he is right there beside you'
keeping you on the path to righteousness.
Oh, testify.
You don't have to have all the answers in life.
You see, because only the savior knows
what this great journey has in store for all of us.
Trust in him, open your heart
'and you shall be empty no more.'
And now let us welcome back
Sister Rosetta..
...to lead us in our closing hymn.
Stop. Now, let's go. That's enough.
[instrumental music]
♪ Lord way down here ♪
♪ In this sinful world ♪
♪ No one can help us ♪
♪ But you Lord above ♪
♪ Help me Lord Jesus ♪
♪ Give me more grace ♪
♪ I need your power ♪
♪ To help me run this race ♪
♪ Help me Jesus help me Jesus ♪
♪ Help me Jesus help me Lord ♪
♪ Beggin' you Jesus ♪
♪ To help me run this race ♪
I don't need to give myself to a man
or have a baby or join the Army.
No, you don't.
No, I need to give myself to God.
- Well.. - Here I come, God.
♪ Well well well well ♪
♪ Lord way down here ♪
♪ In this sinful world ♪
♪ No one can help us ♪
♪ But you Lord above ♪
♪ Help me Lord Jesus ♪
♪ Give me your grace ♪
Good luck, Lord. This one's a handful.
♪ To help me win this race ♪
♪ Help me Jesus help me Jesus ♪
♪ Help me Jesus help me Lord ♪
♪ Beggin' you Jesus ♪
♪ Help me run this race ♪♪
[Mike] 'Do we really have to wait for Victoria?'
Mike, it's her birthday.
I'm just saying, I know how we can suck
the middle out this whole thing and she'd never know.
Eat your rice cake.
Blech.
So how long you think this religion thing is gonna stick?
I don't know.
Over the years, she's been a
Buddhist, an Orthodox Jew, a Rastafarian.
And during a two-hour layover
at the Denver Airport, a Hare Krishna.
Well, you're a good sister for being so supportive.
I have been. And it has been a long week.
So seriously, you can get the middle out of
this thing without her knowing?
- Thought you'd never ask. - Oh!
Here, breathe through your nose.
♪ Oh happy day ♪
♪ When Jesus washed ♪
♪ Oh when he washed ♪
♪ When Jesus washed ♪
♪ When my Jesus washed ♪
♪ When Jesus washed ♪
♪ My sins away ♪
♪ Oh happy day ♪
♪ He taught me ♪
♪ He taught me how ♪
♪ How ♪
♪ To watch ♪
♪ Fight and pray ♪
♪ Well and he taught me how to live ♪
♪ And he'll rejoice ♪
♪ And we will sing ♪
♪ Every ♪
♪ Every day ♪
♪ My ♪
♪ Oh happy day ♪
♪ When Jesus washed ♪
♪ Oh when he washed ♪
♪ When Jesus washed ♪
♪ When my Jesus washed ♪
♪ When Jesus washed ♪
♪ My sins away ♪
♪ Oh happy day ♪
♪ He taught me ♪♪ He taught me ♪
♪ How ♪♪ How ♪♪
[theme music]