[exhales heavily]
Damn it.
Mike!
Whoa!
Screw it, I've touched his underwear enough for one night.
Mike!
No, I got it!
- Perfect. - Molly!
Someone's at the door!
It's me!
What are you doin' out there?
Thinking about another load I'd like to shove in the drier.
Let me get that for you sweetie, wow, this is heavy!
It's because the clothes are still damp because apparently
your drier is actually more of a slot machine.
What the hell?
This thing has been on 350 for over an hour it's not even warm.
Uh, that's because 350 means 150.
If you want 350, you got to put it on "clean."
- What's broil? - I don't know, Jewish holiday?
So, basically I'm left
with one pot and one working burner.
Ooh, sounds like we're having chili tonight.
I don't understand why we don't just live at my house.
- With your mom and sister? - Why not?
At least till we save up enough money to buy our own place.
But this is my home, I've lived here for almost 15 years.
And you still only have one pot!
I only have one workin' burner.
This apartment is not big enough for two people.
I mean, there's only one closet, there's no
counter space in the bathroom.
I offered to put a TV tray in there for you.
Why don't you just move the one you have next to the toilet?
That's my reading table.
Convenient, 'cause it's right next to your thinkin' seat.
Come on, just consider it.
I mean, everything we need is at my house.
Except privacy. Here, it's just us.
Our cozy little love nest, our romantic pied-a-terre.
[knocking at door]
Oh, good, you're both here, I brought hot wings
and rodeo bloopers for halftime.
- Cool, Molly's making chili. - Yay.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
Well, if I do move in with Molly
it'll definitely cut down on expenses.
Plus, my neighborhood's not exactly the safest for a woman.
Why don't you get her a big dog or teach her judo?
- No, that's stupid. - How is that stupid?
I don't know, that's what Molly said when I suggested it.
Man, I hate to see you get rid of that apartment.
It's like a quiet sanctuary for me.
Why don't you sublet it, that way you can
move out of your grandmother's house.
Oh, I can't do that, cooking and cleaning for me
is what keeps that old woman vital.
- And the yard work? - When did this become about me?
You're the one surrendering the fort.
What're you talking about?
You move in with Molly you're giving up home field advantage.
She's always shirts, you're always skins.
Man, nobody wants to see that.
Yeah, that's true.
With her sister and mother there
she'll always have two women taking her side
which means the outcome of the vote is predetermined.
Or as they call it in my country, democracy.
You know, and I understand you want to save money
but what good is money if you can't
sit on the toilet with the door open?
Or drink milk right out of the cow.
You mean carton.
You Americans are so spoilt.
Why does this frosting taste funny?
There's no pot in it.
That's what it is.
Hey, who's the birthday cake for?
Oh, Mike's mother's boyfriend.
Oof, still can't believe that thing has a boyfriend.
Well, lid for every pot, ass for every saddle, I guess.
[sighs] I'm exhausted.
Between Mike's chili trumpet and the feral cat gangbang
outside the window
I only got about three hours of sleep.
Why didn't you guys stay here last night?
I'm trying to be fair and stay a couple nights
a week over at his place.
Plus, it'll toughen me up if I ever have to
survive in the wilderness or..
...South American women's prison.
Men aren't sticklers for hygiene, are they?
The soap's always a pube-fest and anything's a handkerchief.
Yeah, but if a man's place is too neat and clean
you know he's either married or gay.
And in one awkward case, both.
Well, we talked about it last night, and I think I have got
him convinced to give up his place and come live with us.
What? Is that not okay?
Are you talking about him living here forever?
Well, no, just until we get married
and save up enough money to buy a home of our own.
Sounds like forever to me.
Wow, I never imagined you guys would have an issue with this.
I guess I'll just tell Mike that my mom
and my sister don't want him here.
No, honey. We can make it work.
We just need to come up with some guidelines.
Might want to think about getting
a television for the bedroom.
I mean, for a guy who doesn't smoke weed
he sure watches a lot of TV.
And he's gonna have to start chippin' in for groceries.
Well, of course.
It should be based on consumption.
Not a, you know, flat rate, all-you-can-eat type of deal.
Yeah, and for a guy who doesn't smoke weed
he sure does eat a lot of food.
And I will say, I'm more than a little nervous
about there being a gun in the house.
Don't worry, I promise that he will keep it locked up.
Good, 'cause you know how I get when I drink.
And it would tear me apart if anything happened to you girls.
♪ Happy Birthday, dear Dennis ♪
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪♪
- Yay! - Yay!
- Make a wish. - Oh!
What could I possibly want that I don't already have?
I'd request a little hearing back in your right ear.
I'm tired of having to throw my slipper at you
to get your attention.
Any attention from you is good attention, Margaret.
You're making it weird. Just blow.
- Yay! - Yay!
Here you go.
It's a personal pedicure kit.
His toenails are like Indian corn.
You know what, no cake for me.
This is so thoughtful. Thank you.
You get those talons corralled, and come Christmas
you might be unwrapping a new pair of open-toed shoes.
Ooh, you're planning Christmas already.
I think that's really adorable.
Well, your approval is the reason
I get out of bed in the morning.
Mmm, I do love lemon cake.
I guess I've always enjoyed sour things.
That explains a lot.
[Jim barking]
I was joking.
It's time for his post-dinner squat.
I'll take him, Margaret.
Mikey, why don't you go with him?
Don't make the birthday boy pick up a hot tootsie roll.
- Can I take my cake? - Ew, Mike.
Oh, don't try to break him of that.
He used to eat ice cream while he got his hair cut.
You and Dennis seem to be getting along great.
I was wary of him at first but he's proven
himself to be a fairly decent companion.
Well, he pursued you for seven years.
That's clearly a man that wanted him some Peggy Biggs.
I stretched out the courtship longer than most men would
tolerate, but he kept his powder dry
and his eye on the prize.
And tonight, his patience will be rewarded.
- How so? - Carnally.
Yikes.
That's wonderful.
Um, it's inspiring to know that two people
can find each other this late in life.
I'm sorry, is there a toe tag on me I haven't seen?
No, I'm just saying it's nice to know
there's many chapters in the book of love.
Yeah, well, this book hasn't seen a bookmark for 30 years.
And I'm a little nervous about crackin' it open.
Wow, 30 years. It...could very well crack.
I'm just so damn nervous, you'd think it was my first time.
I mean, look at me, I'm shaking like a 14-year-old virgin.
Fourteen?
I grew up on a farm, we were poor we had to make our own fun.
You got to put the banjo down eventually.
And I'm afraid that once Dennis satisfies his needs
he's gonna hit the bricks, and I'm just gonna be
another notch on his reversible belt.
I understand that you're feeling vulnerable, but tonight
you gotta just trust your heart and jump back on the horse.
Back on the horse?
Refresh me, is that the one where the gal's on top
but facing the other way?
You know what, I'm gonna have some cake.
Not too bad for an old broad, huh, Jim?
Well, you'd love me no matter what.
You've seen me cry, you've seen me naked.
And you've sat on my lap while I've done my morning business.
Boy, it'd be so much easier
if I were a dog or you were a man.
Well...wish me luck.
And again, I'm sorry I had your testicles removed.
Alright, Dennis, lights off..
and keep your eyes closed till I'm securely under the covers.
And just a few ground rules.
No biting, no spanking and "hey, not there" means
"hey, not there".
Other than that, enjoy my secret garden.
Dennis?
Dennis..
It's a little late to play hard-to-get.
Den..
Oh, my God!
Dennis?
Oh, no!
Oh, my God, this is terrible!
Mikey?
Something horrible's happened.
Jim, stop it, that is not a chew toy.
I..
[Mike] 'Mom!'
[rapping on door] 'Mom!'
Alright, mom, what happened?
I don't know. He just died.
What the hell did you do to him, Peggy Biggs?
Shh! Shh!
I.. I came downstairs and... saw him like this
slumped in front of your girlfriend's birthday cake.
Alright, just calm down and let me do what I do.
You're wasting your time that man is stone-cold dead.
Why's he got all this carpet fuzz in his hair?
I don't know, he was probably r-rolling a ball
around on the floor with Jim.
His shirt's not buttoned right. He's not wearing a belt.
He's only got one shoe on.
Listen, if I wanted the fashion police
I certainly wouldn't have called you.
Carl, I need you over at my mom's place, ASAP.
Why are you turning this into a big CSI thing?
Man had a piece of sour cake and croaked.
Just because he can't button his shirt
doesn't mean I'm a murderer!
Molly, she's hysterical.. Do me a favor
take her over to your house.
So you're sticking with the cake story?
Mind your business, Nancy Drew.
Anything about that body seem weird to you?
I mean, other than the nine-dollar haircut?
Not really, you seen one dead body, you seen 'em all.
What about this marking on the rug?
Looks like somebody was dragging something down the stairs.
It's probably the dog he's got itchy anal glands.
And this carpet's really just his personal
wall-to-wall ass scratcher.
No, something about this doesn't add up.
I mean, your mom claims she was upstairs while he was down here.
Eating cake with only one sock on.
Come on, who amongst us hasn't eaten
cake with only one sock on?
I'm just saying, this crime scene
has definitely been tampered with.
It's not a crime scene, Shaft.
The coroner said it was a heart attack.
I'm not disputing the cause of death.
I'm just saying he didn't die in those clothes
in that chair eating this cake.
Lemon?
Molly made it.
Lemon for a birthday?
I'm telling you, none of this adds up.
Yeah, whatever, we need to go to his apartment
try and locate any next of kin
see if he had any sort of living will.
Just follow me on this, is it possible he could've died
upstairs and your mom dragged the body down here?
Why the hell would she do that?
I'm just saying, maybe he got more
than a piece of cake tonight.
Crossed the line there, didn't I?
- You gonna be okay? - I'm numb.
I can't believe he's gone.
Well, you gave him a wonderful last birthday, and..
...the only questionable behavior was when you..
...dragged his dead body down the stairs
and propped him up in an eating position.
I couldn't let Mikey find him upstairs in my bed.
One loose woman in his life is enough.
At least I held out past 14.
[knocking at door]
Hi, I just want to say I am
very sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
If there's anything I can do to help you through
this difficult time, like, say
put makeup on your recently deceased boyfriend..
- Victoria. - It's a very competitive field.
We have an expression, "The early worm gets the dead bird."
Victoria!
Cell phone number's on the back, and consultations are free.
Tell her I'll give her half off on the next stiff.
Sorry.
Oh, Dennis..
[crying]
It's gonna be okay.
Now, just try to focus on the fun you two had and..
...tonight must have been nice, you know?
Till he died.
Never got that far.
I guess the image of our two naked bodies entwined as one
was more than his bum ticker could take.
Yeah I know, had a little palpitation myself.
I made that poor man court me for seven years.
Well, you Biggs like to take it slow.
Oh, maybe I didn't want him
to find out I wasn't perfect.
I wanted to remain that pristine
alabaster goddess that he fell in love with.
Yeah, sure.
You could tell from
how he looked at you that he loved you.
- Really? - Oh, are you kidding?
Eyes lit up every time you walked into the room.
Mm.
That's how Mikey looks at you, you know.
- Does he? - Yup.
He loves you so much, he's blind to the glaring imperfections
that the rest of us see, oh, so clearly.
So, when you dragged his body down the stairs
was it by his feet or his head?
There's nothing around here to indicate
that Dennis lived any kind of life at all.
Yeah.
Carl, does this apartment seem familiar to you at all?
Yeah. You feeling it, too?
'Cause I've been deja vu-ing ever since
we walked in the door.
What a sad and lonely existence.
Only one pot..
...and one working burner.
Who could live like this?
Well, at least his last moments on Earth
were spent with a woman who really cared about him.
That's true. A man's lucky to find something like that.
Yes, I am. Grab his address book.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, so you think he died while they were doing it
or during the sweet afterglow?
Crossed that line again, didn't I?
- Everything okay? - Yeah. Is my mom alright?
Yeah. I made her a Xanax smoothie.
She's upstairs sleeping like a big, mean baby.
Good.
It's nice of you to let her stay in our room.
- "Our" room? - Well, yeah.
When I move in, it's gonna be our room, right?
Last time we talked, you didn't seem too keen on the idea.
Well, I've had some time to mull it over and weigh the
pros and cons, and I've decided that I would
rather live with the woman I love than die
sad and lonely, hunched over a piece of lemon cake.
Oh, Mike, Dennis didn't die of..
- Yes, he did, case closed. - Okay, okay, okay, fine, fine.
So, are you...ready to move in here?
Well, I'd better be, I already called
my landlord and gave notice on the drive over here.
Come here.
- Hey, there's the new roomie. - Evening, Mrs. Flynn.
I heard your mama rang a guy's bells
all the way to heaven tonight.
It's a house full of women.. We talk.
[theme music]