[car honking] Carlton! Michael's out front
and you're gonna be late for work again.
[Carlton] 'Poke your head out the door and tell him'
'I'll be there in a minute.'
If I poke anything anywhere
it's gonna be my house slipper up your behind.
[doorbell rings] Tomorrow, I'm waking that boy up
with kerosene and a box of matches.
- Hey, Michael. - Hey, Nana.
Let me get you a cup of tea, baby.
No, what I'd really like is for Carl to stop using my car horn
as his snooze alarm.
It's like tryin' to rouse the dead this mornin'.
Had to pull his covers down and snap a wet towel at his behind.
Truth be told, he woke up when I pulled down the covers
but I had to make it fun for me.
Boy, he's really been burnin' the candle
at both ends lately, huh?
Walked in my door at 3 o'clock this mornin'
with the devil's grin on his face
and stripper glitter in his teeth.
Hey, man, I'm almost ready.
I just need a couple of more minutes to moisturize.
Better not be usin' my good face cream
on 'em ashy elbows of yours.
I'll stop usin' your face cream
when you stop ruinin' my good razor
on them wiry-ass chin whiskers.
What did I tell you about mentionin' my chin whiskers
in front of company?
It's really just the one, but I ain't gonna lie
you could tow a boat with that thing.
Your secret's safe with me.
Michael, can I ask you somethin'?
No, I cannot see it from here.
Thank you, baby.
But what I was wonderin' is
if you know any girls you can introduce Carlton to.
I don't think Carl's really lookin'
for anything serious right now.
He's still kind of sowin' his wild oats.
Well, if he keeps carryin' on the way he is
I'm gonna be sewin' him into his bedsheets
and beatin' him with a bag of oranges.
You know what? I'll keep my eyes open.
Alright, if the two of you can wrap up the chitchat
then maybe I won't be late for work.
If I killed him, you'd give me a head start, wouldn't you?
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[yawns] Mmm.
Man, I really appreciate you drivin' today.
Happy to do it. Is this the farthest the seat goes back?
The problem ain't how far it goes back
it's how far you go forward.
[sighs] Every time I turn the wheel, my shirt comes untucked.
I can drive if you want me to.
Ah, relax. You look beat.
I did party pretty late last night.
And one of the dancers and I made a real connection.
"Connection," like her hair extensions got caught
in your zipper "Connection?"
Hey, don't make it dirty.
No, this was a spiritual thing.
You know, she gave me a three-song lap dance
but only charged me for two.
You sure she just wasn't bad at math?
Well, that was my first thought too but then I saw her
adding her tips up at the end of the night.
Pssh! Girl was like rain man in a G-string.
Tell me, Carl..
you ever feel like maybe you're wasting
your naturally loving nature on, shall we say, skanks?
Ah, I see.
Just because a woman takes money to shake her naked butt
in your face, that makes her a skank?
Well, it is one of the warning signs.
I just think you deserve better.
What about a nice girl from your church?
I already tried hooking up with them two-faced Baptist women.
They'll rock your world on Saturday night.
Come Sunday mornin', they're repentin' their sins
in front of the whole congregation.
And them bitches name names.
[horn blaring]
Sorry. Just tryin' to get comfortable.
[instrumental music]
Hey, remind me to order a tuna melt for Molly
so I can drop it off for her at work.
Ah, that's thoughtful.
You see, Carl, it's important in a relationship
to go the extra mile for your lady. Make 'em feel special.
Let them know you're thinkin' about them.
Yeah, surprise 'em a little.
It's not that much of a surprise.
She told me to do it this mornin'.
Whoa, man.
'Where'd she come from?'
There's not a hospital around here.
A lab coat doesn't necessarily mean doctor.
They wear 'em behind the makeup counter at the mall
and in some of your fancier candy stores.
No, no, she's carryin' a tiny flashlight in her pocket
which means either optometrist or proctologist.
Well, heads or tails. Either way, you win, right?
Why don't you go talk to her?
Oh, she ain't my type.
What do you mean? She's a beautiful, professional woman.
Age-appropriate. Doesn't have a ring on her finger.
Exactly. I'm thinkin' damaged goods.
Either divorced with a bunch of cats
or one of them legs is aluminum.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Man, I ain't going over there and kicking that woman
in the leg.
Hey, Samuel. You see that woman in the lab coat over there?
- What do you know about her? - Well, not much.
Uh, her name is Christina. Mid-30s. Optometrist.
Moved here three months ago from Michigan.
She works down the street.
Orders lunch from here every day
and picks it up at 12:45.
Usually a chicken sandwich on wheat with light mayo.
She will sometimes order pie for dessert
unless she had dessert the night before, and then no pie.
Alright. Do you know if she's married or has a boyfriend?
She's currently unattached and not interested in dating.
At least not a certain Senegalese waiter
who gave her free pickle spears for a month
and bought a pair of $300 reading glasses
that he doesn't even need.
May I take your order?
[instrumental music]
Look, just because she turned Samuel down
doesn't mean she's gonna turn you down.
We'll just go by her work, you walk in and introduce yourself.
And then what? Pretend I need glasses like Samuel did?
Please, he ended up not gettin' a date
and lookin' like African Urkel.
Well, at least he doesn't walk up to strange women in bars
and tell them they're under arrest for disturbin' the pants.
Why are you so interested in my love life all of a sudden?
I just think the right woman is out there for you, Carl
but she's not hangin' from a pole
or liftin' her shirt in a Bears game.
Hey, your bachelor days may be dead and buried
but don't grab me with your zombie hand
and drag me into your sad-ass grave.
Hey, Molly, how you doin', cutie?
Hey, Carl. Where's the grub, bub? Oh.
Ah, there's a two-lip delivery charge.
Outrageous. I thought it was included.
Curly fries are gettin' cold, ma'am.
You drive a hard bargain, officer.
- Thanks for doing this. - My pleasure.
[Molly] 'I could've grabbed something from the cafeteria'
but then I wouldn't get to see your cute face.
No, you work so hard, and I really like taking care of you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
You'd have about six more curly fries, I can tell you that.
Ah, only six. You are a strong, strong man.
I better get back in there before they start huffing
the permanent markers. Love you.
- I love you too. - Bye, Carl.
Alright, go ahead. Take your best shot.
My bachelor days are done, and I'm just a love-struck loser
with nothin' but a lifetime of this to look forward to.
Quit rubbin' it in, man.
What you have is beautiful.
I've got two women in my life.
[instrumental music]
Remember, you don't need to come on too strong.
This is just a meet and greet.
A get to know Carl McMillan.
I shouldn't be meetin' a woman right now.
My eyes are puffy, my nails are ragged
and I'm not wearing my sharpshooter medal.
Listen, this is not about medals or braggin' about
how many marine push-ups you can do.
Yeah, 86.
Impressive, but irrelevant.
Those are the kind you clap in the middle.
I know, but you're not here to show off.
You just want to give her a little peek of what's in here
without too much coming out of here.
So, keep it mysterious is what you're sayin'.
Yes, mysteriously non-talkative.
Yeah, al-alright. What's our cover?
Your eyes are fine, but your partner's
havin' trouble drivin' at night.
Oh, I get it. The old "Partner can't see at night" routine.
Exactly.
And, uh, you're such a good friend you insisted
that I come here and get my eyes checked.
- Okay, uh, then what? - Then you talk to her.
But not too much. Focus on listenin'.
Well, is that it?
'Cause that's pretty thin and drastically unsexy.
- We're not shootin' for sexy. - Then bull's-eye.
Oh, man, this would be so much easier
if she was a proctologist.
What are you talking about?
That way, she couldn't see the fear in my eyes.
Well, I think proctologists can sense fear too.
Look, just take a deep breath and try not to talk
unless absolutely necessary. Hey.
Oh. Good afternoon, officers. How can I help you?
Yeah, I've been having a little trouble
with night vision and my partner
and very good friend, Carl, is worried about me drivin'.
The other night I had to grab the wheel to keep him
from mowin' down three old ladies and a baby duck.
Oh, my God. That's horrible.
Well, the old ladies are fine, but I'm still not ready
to talk about the baby duck.
- Carl. - Sorry.
Anyway, he insisted that I march
right in here and get an eye exam.
Well, I'm pretty booked up for the rest of the day.
- Can you come back tomorrow? - Yes. What time do you open?
It doesn't have to be first thing in the mornin'.
Uh, this area is part of our beat.
So, anytime is fine with us.
Well, let me see what we have.
And-and just so you know, the two of us
keep a very close eye on this neighborhood.
Unless it's at night, then it's all on me.
I can see some stuff. I'm not completely blind.
Anyway, uh, here's our card.
Just call me when somethin' opens up.
Uh, Carl, why don't you write down your cell number
in case she needs to reach us directly?
That's a great idea. Uh, call me anytime.
If it goes to voice mail, I'm probably in the middle of a car
chase or a shootout.
And don't assume there's anything weird about this.
We give this kind of personal attention
to all the businesses around here.
Oh, huh, good 'cause I was thinkin'
this is either the worst shakedown of all time
or you guys are hittin' on me.
[both laughing]
- No, no, no, no, no. - No, no, no.
But suppose one of us was checkin'
the temperature of the water.
Well, you would find that water very tepid.
- Oh, really? - Tepid's not good, Carl.
I'm sorry. I'm just not interested.
Oh. Alright. I understand.
You're an independent, educated woman and I'm just
a dumb beat cop with just two years of junior college.
Oh, no, that's not what I'm saying.
You don't have to say anything.
I can see it by the way you're lookin' down your nose at me.
- Carl, let it go. - No!
I've been holdin' my tongue ever since we walked in here.
I know you think that's true, and that's your biggest problem.
Guys, I-I don't have time for this.
- I've a patient waiting for me. - Patient?
- You're not even a real doctor. - Alright, let's go.
And this ain't nothin' but a glorified sunglass hut.
If she calls the cops on us, it's gonna be very awkward.
[instrumental music]
Carl, why are you so upset?
You get rejected by women all the time.
At least, this one didn't blast you with pepper spray.
That fake lady doctor embarrassed me in public.
Well, luckily, it was at an optometrist's office
and none of the witnesses could actually make a positive ID.
This is all just a big joke to you, isn't it?
Tellin' me to wear my heart on my sleeve
and then laughin' when she cuts off my arm.
- And beats me with it. - Is that what you heard?
Because to me, it was just a polite no from a busy woman.
My mistake was lettin' you do all the talkin' for me.
Just because you got a girlfriend, all of a sudden
you think you're the professor of love.
I'm not sayin' I know everything.
It's just, of the two of us
I'm the one who's in a serious relationship.
And that was just blind luck.
Like when a monkey writes a book.
- Look, I know you're upset-- - I think you're jealous.
Because I'm livin' the life you always wished you had
and now that you're engaged, you ain't never gonna have it!
Hey, you were the one cryin' at the school
sayin' you wanted what I got.
Hey, you know how emotional I get
when I'm sleep deprived, that's why I never watch
"The Color Purple," unless I'm fully rested!
Okay, from now on, I'll stay out of your life.
You wanna spend every night pickin' up
bar flies and cop groupies, that's your business.
And business is just fine, thank you very much.
Maybe you should stop worryin' about me
and take care of your own affairs.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, instead of buttin' into my life
maybe you should start thinkin' about why your fiance
is workin' late every night.
Hey, her job is important!
She's got a lot of responsibilities!
Unlike your girlfriends, who just have to remember
to Windex the pole when they're done workin'.
I'm just sayin', Molly's got a desk and books at home.
My girls, got to go where the pole is.
[instrumental music]
So, how's everything going at work, honey?
Well, the funeral home just hired a lady mortician
and I think she might be kind of sweet on me.
You sure she's not just being overly nice on her first day?
I made the same assumption about the new Sparkletts gal.
Is that why we have to pick up the bottles at the curb?
[scoffs] Yeah, apparently, she greets everyone with
"Mind if I grab your jugs?"
Ah, there he is.
- How was your day? - Don't ask.
Carl was a bigger pain in the ass than usual today.
He's like a hemorrhoid with a badge.
- Where's Molly? - No, not here.
- Must be working late. - Again? Damn it!
Look, I understand she wants this vice principal job
and that means putting in some extra hours and nobody has been
more supportive of that than me, right? Am I right?
- Absolutely, very supportive. - Right. Absolutely.
And I understand that in a mature relationship
you have to be flexible, this is not me still wishin'
I was single or being jealous of any other knucklehead that is!
- Didn't even go there. - Of course, not.
I mean, come on, Molly and I are still in the early throes
of love and we never spend any time together anymore!
- We love your company. - Aw, that's horrible.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pack up a picnic.
And surprise her at work. I'm not giving up on romance.
I'll show her we still got it.
No matter what anybody else says!
- I didn't say anything. - Wouldn't dare.
Now, if you ladies are done, I'm gonna take the rest
of this food and turn it into a magical dinner for two!
- All yours! - Pack it up, Romeo.
[instrumental music]
Carlton, why aren't you at the strip club?
You better get movin' before all the other perverts
get the ringside seats.
I'm not goin' out tonight, I'm just gonna, uh
watch a little TV and go to bed.
Well, if you don't show up, how are them poor girls
gonna pay their rent or buy their narcotics?
Leave me alone, grandma, just go to your Bible study class.
I can get there a little bit late.
We're studying Deuteronomy, and all them "Shalt nots"
put a damper on the drinkin' and trash talkin'.
What's troubling you?
[sighs]
Do you think I'm ever gonna find a nice girl?
You know, somebody I can really settle down with.
You could if you tried.
But you can't shake the whore tree
and expect an angel to fall out.
I just don't feel like a really good woman
would go for a guy like me.
Why not? You're a fine, decent, good-lookin' boy
with a big, lovin' heart.
You're my grandma, you have to say that.
I don't have to say anything.
And I ain't blind to your flaws.
Many a time, I had to use one hand to pull the other one
away from your throat.
But I didn't raise you to be thinkin' you're not good enough.
Because you are.
And if you found the right girl
and showed her the man I see everyday
you'd have yet another good woman in your life
who loves you for who you are.
- Thanks, grandma. - Hmm-hmm.
I love you too.
[chuckling]
But when you do find a girl
don't think you got to share everything about yourself
all at once.
Let her make peace with your leopard skin man thong
before you start stealin' her lady lotions.
That reminds me, I used all your cocoa butter.
Get out of my house.
[instrumental music]
Hey, teach.
Honey, what are you doing here?
Well, you missed dinner, so, I thought
I'd surprise you with a little picnic.
Oh, my God, I completely lost track of the time.
We can have some food, perhaps a little splash of vino.
Oh, actually, we're not allowed to have
alcohol on the school premises.
Right, like none of you teachers keep a bottle of hooch
hidden in your desk or inside the guinea pig cage.
You'd probably find some wild turkey in the wood shop
but that guy loses a finger a year.
Alright, well, we can still enjoy a nice dinner together.
And maybe for dessert, something sweet and naughty
in the teachers' lounge.
Oh, I don't know. It'd be weird.
I have sex in there all the time with the janitor.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding!
I just don't think it'd be a good idea.
Okay. I shouldn't have dropped in unannounced.
I was trying to be spontaneous and romantic
and now I just feel stupid.
No, no, come on. It's so sweet.
Showing up here with a little picnic basket.
You know how many times your mom and sister said
"Hey, where you going, Yogi?"
- A lot? - Three times at the house.
And once in a text message.
Look, I-I know I've been putting in tons of extra hours
and I really appreciate your patience.
It's just, I never get to see you anymore.
I got nobody to gripe about my day to
except your mom and your sister.
Yeah, they're not very good listeners, are they?
The worst. It's like talkin' to a bottle of wine and a bong.
[chuckles]
You'd think one of them would know how to say
"It's gonna be alright, sweetie."
It is gonna be alright, sweetie.
See, you don't even know what I'm talkin' about
and you made me feel better.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
Tomorrow night, romantic evening, just you and me.
You don't have to do that.
Hey, I want to.
Missing goes both ways, buddy.
Hey, you know what?
I can take a little break.
Crack this picnic basket open.
- Really? - Yeah.
I need a little fiance time.
You know what? Open that bottle of wine.
But what if somebody walks in?
I'll just tell them it's yours, Yogi.
Whatever you say, Boo-Boo.
[instrumental music]
Hey. Remember me?
You kind of look like this crazy cop that came by earlier
but, uh, I can't imagine him showing his face again.
[chuckles]
Yeah, look..
...about that.
I'm sorry for the way that went down.
I wasn't trying to be mean.
I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now.
I understand, and I'm not here to press the issue.
I just wanted a chance to explain myself.
You don't owe me any explanations.
Although, an apology for that "Not a doctor" comment
might be in order.
Yeah, that was my bruised ego talkin'.
[scoffs]
[sighs]
I get intimidated by women of your caliber.
- My caliber? - Yeah.
You're beautiful, smart, successful
and can see right through a guy like me.
[scoffs] Hey, it's your life.
If you wanna be a player, that's your business.
I just don't have time for that.
See, here's the thing, I-I'm not really a player.
I mean, I am, but I'm not really good at it.
- Are you playing me right now? - No.
Unless it's workin' for you.
Look, I'm sure you're a nice guy.
But I already live with a nice guy.
- Oh. - And he's six years old.
- You have a kid? - Yeah.
So, if you want to turn and run
the exit to the sunglass hut is right there.
- You kiddin' me? I love kids. - Really?
Yeah. I mean, I don't have any of my own, but I used to be one.
My grandma says I still am.
By the way, I live with my grandma.
- You're kidding. - No.
I should probably stop talking right about now.
No, no, keep going, I'm starting to see you're really not much
of a player at all.
Oh, no, what you saw was just a handsome facade.
I'm really a mess inside.
Yeah, no matter how many medals I've won
or how many marine push-ups I can do.
It's 86, by the way.
Those are the kind that you clap in the middle.
I'm serious, I can do those.
I'm sure you can.
I can't believe I thought you were stuck-up
when I first saw you.
- Where did you first see me? - At the diner.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
So, it turns out the lady mortician is a lesbian.
But I'm apparently not her type.
How'd you find that out?
I asked her if she was a lesbian and she said, "Yes."
Then I asked her if I was her type and she said, "No."
Hey, big boy.
Your fiance's upstairs.
And we were told to deliver this message to you personally.
"Now, serving dessert in the teacher's lounge."
- She means the bedroom. - But we didn't read it.
Unh-unh, unh-unh.
Excuse me, ladies.
[soft music]
I love you, Molly Flynn.
[snores]
[theme music]