1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:03,655 [car honking] Carlton! Michael's out front 2 00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:05,527 and you're gonna be late for work again. 3 00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:06,484 [Carlton] 'Poke your head out the door and tell him' 4 00:00:06,571 --> 00:00:07,485 'I'll be there in a minute.' 5 00:00:07,572 --> 00:00:08,878 If I poke anything anywhere 6 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:12,273 it's gonna be my house slipper up your behind. 7 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,710 [doorbell rings] Tomorrow, I'm waking that boy up 8 00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:17,147 with kerosene and a box of matches. 9 00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:21,760 - Hey, Michael. - Hey, Nana. 10 00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:23,675 Let me get you a cup of tea, baby. 11 00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:26,461 No, what I'd really like is for Carl to stop using my car horn 12 00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,637 as his snooze alarm. 13 00:00:28,724 --> 00:00:31,205 It's like tryin' to rouse the dead this mornin'. 14 00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:36,253 Had to pull his covers down and snap a wet towel at his behind. 15 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:38,603 Truth be told, he woke up when I pulled down the covers 16 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:42,216 but I had to make it fun for me. 17 00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,869 Boy, he's really been burnin' the candle 18 00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:45,306 at both ends lately, huh? 19 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:48,178 Walked in my door at 3 o'clock this mornin' 20 00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:50,050 with the devil's grin on his face 21 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:52,052 and stripper glitter in his teeth. 22 00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,403 Hey, man, I'm almost ready. 23 00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:57,448 I just need a couple of more minutes to moisturize. 24 00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:59,233 Better not be usin' my good face cream 25 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,931 on 'em ashy elbows of yours. 26 00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:03,280 I'll stop usin' your face cream 27 00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:04,586 when you stop ruinin' my good razor 28 00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:07,502 on them wiry-ass chin whiskers. 29 00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,547 What did I tell you about mentionin' my chin whiskers 30 00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,636 in front of company? 31 00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:14,117 It's really just the one, but I ain't gonna lie 32 00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:17,512 you could tow a boat with that thing. 33 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,731 Your secret's safe with me. 34 00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,342 Michael, can I ask you somethin'? 35 00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:24,388 No, I cannot see it from here. 36 00:01:24,475 --> 00:01:25,563 Thank you, baby. 37 00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:27,087 But what I was wonderin' is 38 00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,959 if you know any girls you can introduce Carlton to. 39 00:01:30,046 --> 00:01:31,352 I don't think Carl's really lookin' 40 00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:32,875 for anything serious right now. 41 00:01:32,962 --> 00:01:34,529 He's still kind of sowin' his wild oats. 42 00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,531 Well, if he keeps carryin' on the way he is 43 00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,359 I'm gonna be sewin' him into his bedsheets 44 00:01:38,446 --> 00:01:41,666 and beatin' him with a bag of oranges. 45 00:01:41,753 --> 00:01:43,538 You know what? I'll keep my eyes open. 46 00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,975 Alright, if the two of you can wrap up the chitchat 47 00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:47,933 then maybe I won't be late for work. 48 00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:53,417 If I killed him, you'd give me a head start, wouldn't you? 49 00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,593 ♪ For the first time ♪ 50 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,031 ♪ In my life ♪ 51 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,992 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 52 00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:13,089 [yawns] Mmm. 53 00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:16,440 Man, I really appreciate you drivin' today. 54 00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:19,530 Happy to do it. Is this the farthest the seat goes back? 55 00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,010 The problem ain't how far it goes back 56 00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:23,926 it's how far you go forward. 57 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:28,148 [sighs] Every time I turn the wheel, my shirt comes untucked. 58 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,193 I can drive if you want me to. 59 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,239 Ah, relax. You look beat. 60 00:02:32,326 --> 00:02:34,458 I did party pretty late last night. 61 00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:36,634 And one of the dancers and I made a real connection. 62 00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,723 "Connection," like her hair extensions got caught 63 00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:40,682 in your zipper "Connection?" 64 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,685 Hey, don't make it dirty. 65 00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,382 No, this was a spiritual thing. 66 00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,210 You know, she gave me a three-song lap dance 67 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:48,777 but only charged me for two. 68 00:02:48,864 --> 00:02:51,693 You sure she just wasn't bad at math? 69 00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:53,347 Well, that was my first thought too but then I saw her 70 00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:54,696 adding her tips up at the end of the night. 71 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:57,177 Pssh! Girl was like rain man in a G-string. 72 00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:00,397 Tell me, Carl.. 73 00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:02,094 you ever feel like maybe you're wasting 74 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:07,274 your naturally loving nature on, shall we say, skanks? 75 00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:08,884 Ah, I see. 76 00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,973 Just because a woman takes money to shake her naked butt 77 00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,496 in your face, that makes her a skank? 78 00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:15,195 Well, it is one of the warning signs. 79 00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:16,631 I just think you deserve better. 80 00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:18,589 What about a nice girl from your church? 81 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:21,331 I already tried hooking up with them two-faced Baptist women. 82 00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:22,941 They'll rock your world on Saturday night. 83 00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:24,378 Come Sunday mornin', they're repentin' their sins 84 00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:25,596 in front of the whole congregation. 85 00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,991 And them bitches name names. 86 00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:30,514 [horn blaring] 87 00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:34,866 Sorry. Just tryin' to get comfortable. 88 00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,564 [instrumental music] 89 00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:40,263 Hey, remind me to order a tuna melt for Molly 90 00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:41,873 so I can drop it off for her at work. 91 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,527 Ah, that's thoughtful. 92 00:03:43,614 --> 00:03:45,399 You see, Carl, it's important in a relationship 93 00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:47,966 to go the extra mile for your lady. Make 'em feel special. 94 00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,011 Let them know you're thinkin' about them. 95 00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:50,534 Yeah, surprise 'em a little. 96 00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:51,883 It's not that much of a surprise. 97 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:54,364 She told me to do it this mornin'. 98 00:03:56,888 --> 00:03:58,499 Whoa, man. 99 00:03:58,586 --> 00:03:59,804 'Where'd she come from?' 100 00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,502 There's not a hospital around here. 101 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,678 A lab coat doesn't necessarily mean doctor. 102 00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,288 They wear 'em behind the makeup counter at the mall 103 00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:08,683 and in some of your fancier candy stores. 104 00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:10,641 No, no, she's carryin' a tiny flashlight in her pocket 105 00:04:10,728 --> 00:04:13,035 which means either optometrist or proctologist. 106 00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:16,995 Well, heads or tails. Either way, you win, right? 107 00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,301 Why don't you go talk to her? 108 00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:20,260 Oh, she ain't my type. 109 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:22,827 What do you mean? She's a beautiful, professional woman. 110 00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:24,742 Age-appropriate. Doesn't have a ring on her finger. 111 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:27,484 Exactly. I'm thinkin' damaged goods. 112 00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:28,877 Either divorced with a bunch of cats 113 00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,706 or one of them legs is aluminum. 114 00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,229 Well, there's only one way to find out. 115 00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:34,622 Man, I ain't going over there and kicking that woman 116 00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,145 in the leg. 117 00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:41,106 Hey, Samuel. You see that woman in the lab coat over there? 118 00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:42,586 - What do you know about her? - Well, not much. 119 00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:45,328 Uh, her name is Christina. Mid-30s. Optometrist. 120 00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,112 Moved here three months ago from Michigan. 121 00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:48,375 She works down the street. 122 00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:49,506 Orders lunch from here every day 123 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,029 and picks it up at 12:45. 124 00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:53,205 Usually a chicken sandwich on wheat with light mayo. 125 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,772 She will sometimes order pie for dessert 126 00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:59,647 unless she had dessert the night before, and then no pie. 127 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,953 Alright. Do you know if she's married or has a boyfriend? 128 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,739 She's currently unattached and not interested in dating. 129 00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:06,044 At least not a certain Senegalese waiter 130 00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,611 who gave her free pickle spears for a month 131 00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:09,134 and bought a pair of $300 reading glasses 132 00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:11,659 that he doesn't even need. 133 00:05:13,356 --> 00:05:15,358 May I take your order? 134 00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:17,926 [instrumental music] 135 00:05:18,013 --> 00:05:19,449 Look, just because she turned Samuel down 136 00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,190 doesn't mean she's gonna turn you down. 137 00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:24,062 We'll just go by her work, you walk in and introduce yourself. 138 00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:26,456 And then what? Pretend I need glasses like Samuel did? 139 00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:27,892 Please, he ended up not gettin' a date 140 00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:31,679 and lookin' like African Urkel. 141 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,898 Well, at least he doesn't walk up to strange women in bars 142 00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:38,033 and tell them they're under arrest for disturbin' the pants. 143 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,383 Why are you so interested in my love life all of a sudden? 144 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,646 I just think the right woman is out there for you, Carl 145 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,039 but she's not hangin' from a pole 146 00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:46,171 or liftin' her shirt in a Bears game. 147 00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:48,173 Hey, your bachelor days may be dead and buried 148 00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,653 but don't grab me with your zombie hand 149 00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,089 and drag me into your sad-ass grave. 150 00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,613 Hey, Molly, how you doin', cutie? 151 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:55,442 Hey, Carl. Where's the grub, bub? Oh. 152 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:57,661 Ah, there's a two-lip delivery charge. 153 00:05:57,748 --> 00:05:59,533 Outrageous. I thought it was included. 154 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:01,578 Curly fries are gettin' cold, ma'am. 155 00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:04,276 You drive a hard bargain, officer. 156 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,235 - Thanks for doing this. - My pleasure. 157 00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:07,671 [Molly] 'I could've grabbed something from the cafeteria' 158 00:06:07,758 --> 00:06:09,586 but then I wouldn't get to see your cute face. 159 00:06:09,673 --> 00:06:12,284 No, you work so hard, and I really like taking care of you. 160 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,286 I don't know what I'd do without you. 161 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,333 You'd have about six more curly fries, I can tell you that. 162 00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:21,206 Ah, only six. You are a strong, strong man. 163 00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:23,034 I better get back in there before they start huffing 164 00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:24,688 the permanent markers. Love you. 165 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:27,169 - I love you too. - Bye, Carl. 166 00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:32,653 Alright, go ahead. Take your best shot. 167 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:35,307 My bachelor days are done, and I'm just a love-struck loser 168 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,485 with nothin' but a lifetime of this to look forward to. 169 00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:39,921 Quit rubbin' it in, man. 170 00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,966 What you have is beautiful. 171 00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:47,407 I've got two women in my life. 172 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:48,408 [instrumental music] 173 00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:52,324 Remember, you don't need to come on too strong. 174 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,456 This is just a meet and greet. 175 00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,327 A get to know Carl McMillan. 176 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,286 I shouldn't be meetin' a woman right now. 177 00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:58,983 My eyes are puffy, my nails are ragged 178 00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:01,638 and I'm not wearing my sharpshooter medal. 179 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:03,684 Listen, this is not about medals or braggin' about 180 00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,381 how many marine push-ups you can do. 181 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:07,775 Yeah, 86. 182 00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:09,690 Impressive, but irrelevant. 183 00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:11,735 Those are the kind you clap in the middle. 184 00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:13,694 I know, but you're not here to show off. 185 00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,739 You just want to give her a little peek of what's in here 186 00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:18,916 without too much coming out of here. 187 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,570 So, keep it mysterious is what you're sayin'. 188 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,920 Yes, mysteriously non-talkative. 189 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,966 Yeah, al-alright. What's our cover? 190 00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:26,750 Your eyes are fine, but your partner's 191 00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:28,404 havin' trouble drivin' at night. 192 00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:32,147 Oh, I get it. The old "Partner can't see at night" routine. 193 00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:33,757 Exactly. 194 00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:35,455 And, uh, you're such a good friend you insisted 195 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:36,978 that I come here and get my eyes checked. 196 00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:39,807 - Okay, uh, then what? - Then you talk to her. 197 00:07:39,894 --> 00:07:42,549 But not too much. Focus on listenin'. 198 00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:44,028 Well, is that it? 199 00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:46,161 'Cause that's pretty thin and drastically unsexy. 200 00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:48,946 - We're not shootin' for sexy. - Then bull's-eye. 201 00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:54,996 Oh, man, this would be so much easier 202 00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:56,214 if she was a proctologist. 203 00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:57,607 What are you talking about? 204 00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:59,348 That way, she couldn't see the fear in my eyes. 205 00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:02,786 Well, I think proctologists can sense fear too. 206 00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:04,571 Look, just take a deep breath and try not to talk 207 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,921 unless absolutely necessary. Hey. 208 00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:09,271 Oh. Good afternoon, officers. How can I help you? 209 00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:10,533 Yeah, I've been having a little trouble 210 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:12,274 with night vision and my partner 211 00:08:12,361 --> 00:08:14,929 and very good friend, Carl, is worried about me drivin'. 212 00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,408 The other night I had to grab the wheel to keep him 213 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,367 from mowin' down three old ladies and a baby duck. 214 00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:22,153 Oh, my God. That's horrible. 215 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,112 Well, the old ladies are fine, but I'm still not ready 216 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,157 to talk about the baby duck. 217 00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,772 - Carl. - Sorry. 218 00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:33,251 Anyway, he insisted that I march 219 00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:35,123 right in here and get an eye exam. 220 00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:37,473 Well, I'm pretty booked up for the rest of the day. 221 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,563 - Can you come back tomorrow? - Yes. What time do you open? 222 00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:42,739 It doesn't have to be first thing in the mornin'. 223 00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:43,914 Uh, this area is part of our beat. 224 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,133 So, anytime is fine with us. 225 00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,438 Well, let me see what we have. 226 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,918 And-and just so you know, the two of us 227 00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:49,703 keep a very close eye on this neighborhood. 228 00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:52,009 Unless it's at night, then it's all on me. 229 00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:58,581 I can see some stuff. I'm not completely blind. 230 00:08:58,668 --> 00:08:59,930 Anyway, uh, here's our card. 231 00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:01,715 Just call me when somethin' opens up. 232 00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:03,368 Uh, Carl, why don't you write down your cell number 233 00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:05,109 in case she needs to reach us directly? 234 00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:08,373 That's a great idea. Uh, call me anytime. 235 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,462 If it goes to voice mail, I'm probably in the middle of a car 236 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,248 chase or a shootout. 237 00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:15,163 And don't assume there's anything weird about this. 238 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,468 We give this kind of personal attention 239 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,166 to all the businesses around here. 240 00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:20,081 Oh, huh, good 'cause I was thinkin' 241 00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,083 this is either the worst shakedown of all time 242 00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:23,475 or you guys are hittin' on me. 243 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,955 [both laughing] 244 00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,870 - No, no, no, no, no. - No, no, no. 245 00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:28,132 But suppose one of us was checkin' 246 00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:29,786 the temperature of the water. 247 00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,921 Well, you would find that water very tepid. 248 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:36,184 - Oh, really? - Tepid's not good, Carl. 249 00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:40,057 I'm sorry. I'm just not interested. 250 00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:41,972 Oh. Alright. I understand. 251 00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:44,018 You're an independent, educated woman and I'm just 252 00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,802 a dumb beat cop with just two years of junior college. 253 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,064 Oh, no, that's not what I'm saying. 254 00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:48,936 You don't have to say anything. 255 00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:50,590 I can see it by the way you're lookin' down your nose at me. 256 00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,461 - Carl, let it go. - No! 257 00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:54,289 I've been holdin' my tongue ever since we walked in here. 258 00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,944 I know you think that's true, and that's your biggest problem. 259 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,077 Guys, I-I don't have time for this. 260 00:10:00,164 --> 00:10:02,427 - I've a patient waiting for me. - Patient? 261 00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:04,342 - You're not even a real doctor. - Alright, let's go. 262 00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:08,520 And this ain't nothin' but a glorified sunglass hut. 263 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,698 If she calls the cops on us, it's gonna be very awkward. 264 00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:17,399 [instrumental music] 265 00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:18,661 Carl, why are you so upset? 266 00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,184 You get rejected by women all the time. 267 00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:23,144 At least, this one didn't blast you with pepper spray. 268 00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,537 That fake lady doctor embarrassed me in public. 269 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,931 Well, luckily, it was at an optometrist's office 270 00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:31,935 and none of the witnesses could actually make a positive ID. 271 00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:34,503 This is all just a big joke to you, isn't it? 272 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,026 Tellin' me to wear my heart on my sleeve 273 00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:37,637 and then laughin' when she cuts off my arm. 274 00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:40,161 - And beats me with it. - Is that what you heard? 275 00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,816 Because to me, it was just a polite no from a busy woman. 276 00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:44,861 My mistake was lettin' you do all the talkin' for me. 277 00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,297 Just because you got a girlfriend, all of a sudden 278 00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:49,039 you think you're the professor of love. 279 00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:50,475 I'm not sayin' I know everything. 280 00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:51,868 It's just, of the two of us 281 00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:53,870 I'm the one who's in a serious relationship. 282 00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:55,393 And that was just blind luck. 283 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,352 Like when a monkey writes a book. 284 00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:01,182 - Look, I know you're upset-- - I think you're jealous. 285 00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:03,010 Because I'm livin' the life you always wished you had 286 00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:04,968 and now that you're engaged, you ain't never gonna have it! 287 00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:07,014 Hey, you were the one cryin' at the school 288 00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,319 sayin' you wanted what I got. 289 00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:09,799 Hey, you know how emotional I get 290 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:11,540 when I'm sleep deprived, that's why I never watch 291 00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,498 "The Color Purple," unless I'm fully rested! 292 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,720 Okay, from now on, I'll stay out of your life. 293 00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:19,156 You wanna spend every night pickin' up 294 00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,463 bar flies and cop groupies, that's your business. 295 00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:24,205 And business is just fine, thank you very much. 296 00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,510 Maybe you should stop worryin' about me 297 00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,773 and take care of your own affairs. 298 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,122 What's that supposed to mean? 299 00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:29,863 Well, instead of buttin' into my life 300 00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,516 maybe you should start thinkin' about why your fiance 301 00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:32,866 is workin' late every night. 302 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,345 Hey, her job is important! 303 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:35,912 She's got a lot of responsibilities! 304 00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:37,914 Unlike your girlfriends, who just have to remember 305 00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:41,309 to Windex the pole when they're done workin'. 306 00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:43,964 I'm just sayin', Molly's got a desk and books at home. 307 00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:46,923 My girls, got to go where the pole is. 308 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,577 [instrumental music] 309 00:11:48,664 --> 00:11:50,927 So, how's everything going at work, honey? 310 00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:54,191 Well, the funeral home just hired a lady mortician 311 00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:56,498 and I think she might be kind of sweet on me. 312 00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:59,414 You sure she's not just being overly nice on her first day? 313 00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,025 I made the same assumption about the new Sparkletts gal. 314 00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,114 Is that why we have to pick up the bottles at the curb? 315 00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:07,422 [scoffs] Yeah, apparently, she greets everyone with 316 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:10,077 "Mind if I grab your jugs?" 317 00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:15,865 Ah, there he is. 318 00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,215 - How was your day? - Don't ask. 319 00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:21,088 Carl was a bigger pain in the ass than usual today. 320 00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:25,396 He's like a hemorrhoid with a badge. 321 00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:26,963 - Where's Molly? - No, not here. 322 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:30,184 - Must be working late. - Again? Damn it! 323 00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:32,403 Look, I understand she wants this vice principal job 324 00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:34,884 and that means putting in some extra hours and nobody has been 325 00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,191 more supportive of that than me, right? Am I right? 326 00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:40,020 - Absolutely, very supportive. - Right. Absolutely. 327 00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:42,413 And I understand that in a mature relationship 328 00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:44,981 you have to be flexible, this is not me still wishin' 329 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:48,332 I was single or being jealous of any other knucklehead that is! 330 00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:50,595 - Didn't even go there. - Of course, not. 331 00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:52,597 I mean, come on, Molly and I are still in the early throes 332 00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:55,383 of love and we never spend any time together anymore! 333 00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,646 - We love your company. - Aw, that's horrible. 334 00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:59,430 You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pack up a picnic. 335 00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:01,824 And surprise her at work. I'm not giving up on romance. 336 00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,173 I'll show her we still got it. 337 00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:04,696 No matter what anybody else says! 338 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,568 - I didn't say anything. - Wouldn't dare. 339 00:13:06,655 --> 00:13:08,439 Now, if you ladies are done, I'm gonna take the rest 340 00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,659 of this food and turn it into a magical dinner for two! 341 00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,140 - All yours! - Pack it up, Romeo. 342 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,142 [instrumental music] 343 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,492 Carlton, why aren't you at the strip club? 344 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,494 You better get movin' before all the other perverts 345 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:22,584 get the ringside seats. 346 00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:24,107 I'm not goin' out tonight, I'm just gonna, uh 347 00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:25,805 watch a little TV and go to bed. 348 00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:27,632 Well, if you don't show up, how are them poor girls 349 00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:31,027 gonna pay their rent or buy their narcotics? 350 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,597 Leave me alone, grandma, just go to your Bible study class. 351 00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:37,338 I can get there a little bit late. 352 00:13:37,425 --> 00:13:39,993 We're studying Deuteronomy, and all them "Shalt nots" 353 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,430 put a damper on the drinkin' and trash talkin'. 354 00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:46,521 What's troubling you? 355 00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:48,958 [sighs] 356 00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:53,310 Do you think I'm ever gonna find a nice girl? 357 00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:55,312 You know, somebody I can really settle down with. 358 00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:56,836 You could if you tried. 359 00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,315 But you can't shake the whore tree 360 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,231 and expect an angel to fall out. 361 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,060 I just don't feel like a really good woman 362 00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:05,714 would go for a guy like me. 363 00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:08,238 Why not? You're a fine, decent, good-lookin' boy 364 00:14:08,325 --> 00:14:10,110 with a big, lovin' heart. 365 00:14:10,197 --> 00:14:11,763 You're my grandma, you have to say that. 366 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,722 I don't have to say anything. 367 00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,811 And I ain't blind to your flaws. 368 00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,205 Many a time, I had to use one hand to pull the other one 369 00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,294 away from your throat. 370 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:25,212 But I didn't raise you to be thinkin' you're not good enough. 371 00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:26,778 Because you are. 372 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,998 And if you found the right girl 373 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:32,132 and showed her the man I see everyday 374 00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,047 you'd have yet another good woman in your life 375 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:36,397 who loves you for who you are. 376 00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:37,789 - Thanks, grandma. - Hmm-hmm. 377 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:38,878 I love you too. 378 00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:40,880 [chuckling] 379 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,840 But when you do find a girl 380 00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,886 don't think you got to share everything about yourself 381 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,932 all at once. 382 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:52,979 Let her make peace with your leopard skin man thong 383 00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:57,374 before you start stealin' her lady lotions. 384 00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,899 That reminds me, I used all your cocoa butter. 385 00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:01,944 Get out of my house. 386 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,642 [instrumental music] 387 00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:05,948 Hey, teach. 388 00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:07,428 Honey, what are you doing here? 389 00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:08,820 Well, you missed dinner, so, I thought 390 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,735 I'd surprise you with a little picnic. 391 00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:13,521 Oh, my God, I completely lost track of the time. 392 00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:16,524 We can have some food, perhaps a little splash of vino. 393 00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:17,786 Oh, actually, we're not allowed to have 394 00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:19,570 alcohol on the school premises. 395 00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:21,616 Right, like none of you teachers keep a bottle of hooch 396 00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:25,054 hidden in your desk or inside the guinea pig cage. 397 00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:27,143 You'd probably find some wild turkey in the wood shop 398 00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:30,277 but that guy loses a finger a year. 399 00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:33,454 Alright, well, we can still enjoy a nice dinner together. 400 00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:35,804 And maybe for dessert, something sweet and naughty 401 00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:37,110 in the teachers' lounge. 402 00:15:37,197 --> 00:15:38,981 Oh, I don't know. It'd be weird. 403 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:43,420 I have sex in there all the time with the janitor. 404 00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:47,076 I'm kidding. I'm kidding! 405 00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:49,426 I just don't think it'd be a good idea. 406 00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:51,428 Okay. I shouldn't have dropped in unannounced. 407 00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,343 I was trying to be spontaneous and romantic 408 00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:54,954 and now I just feel stupid. 409 00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:57,782 No, no, come on. It's so sweet. 410 00:15:57,869 --> 00:16:00,742 Showing up here with a little picnic basket. 411 00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:02,048 You know how many times your mom and sister said 412 00:16:02,135 --> 00:16:05,094 "Hey, where you going, Yogi?" 413 00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,053 - A lot? - Three times at the house. 414 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:09,838 And once in a text message. 415 00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:13,189 Look, I-I know I've been putting in tons of extra hours 416 00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:15,235 and I really appreciate your patience. 417 00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,801 It's just, I never get to see you anymore. 418 00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:18,586 I got nobody to gripe about my day to 419 00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:20,022 except your mom and your sister. 420 00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,024 Yeah, they're not very good listeners, are they? 421 00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,679 The worst. It's like talkin' to a bottle of wine and a bong. 422 00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:27,073 [chuckles] 423 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,378 You'd think one of them would know how to say 424 00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:29,684 "It's gonna be alright, sweetie." 425 00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:31,512 It is gonna be alright, sweetie. 426 00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:33,383 See, you don't even know what I'm talkin' about 427 00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:35,951 and you made me feel better. 428 00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:37,431 I'm gonna make it up to you. 429 00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:41,217 Tomorrow night, romantic evening, just you and me. 430 00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:42,523 You don't have to do that. 431 00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:44,655 Hey, I want to. 432 00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:47,441 Missing goes both ways, buddy. 433 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:56,319 Hey, you know what? 434 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:57,842 I can take a little break. 435 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,670 Crack this picnic basket open. 436 00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,411 - Really? - Yeah. 437 00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:03,805 I need a little fiance time. 438 00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:08,679 You know what? Open that bottle of wine. 439 00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,246 But what if somebody walks in? 440 00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:12,683 I'll just tell them it's yours, Yogi. 441 00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:16,078 Whatever you say, Boo-Boo. 442 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,473 [instrumental music] 443 00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:26,567 Hey. Remember me? 444 00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:29,439 You kind of look like this crazy cop that came by earlier 445 00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:31,789 but, uh, I can't imagine him showing his face again. 446 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,356 [chuckles] 447 00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:35,619 Yeah, look.. 448 00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:37,099 ...about that. 449 00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:40,059 I'm sorry for the way that went down. 450 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,799 I wasn't trying to be mean. 451 00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,888 I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now. 452 00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:45,673 I understand, and I'm not here to press the issue. 453 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,240 I just wanted a chance to explain myself. 454 00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,633 You don't owe me any explanations. 455 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,635 Although, an apology for that "Not a doctor" comment 456 00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:53,724 might be in order. 457 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,900 Yeah, that was my bruised ego talkin'. 458 00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:56,945 [scoffs] 459 00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:00,253 [sighs] 460 00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:03,082 I get intimidated by women of your caliber. 461 00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,388 - My caliber? - Yeah. 462 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,477 You're beautiful, smart, successful 463 00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:09,000 and can see right through a guy like me. 464 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,133 [scoffs] Hey, it's your life. 465 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,179 If you wanna be a player, that's your business. 466 00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:14,658 I just don't have time for that. 467 00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:16,747 See, here's the thing, I-I'm not really a player. 468 00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,837 I mean, I am, but I'm not really good at it. 469 00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:24,407 - Are you playing me right now? - No. 470 00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,496 Unless it's workin' for you. 471 00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:30,848 Look, I'm sure you're a nice guy. 472 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,850 But I already live with a nice guy. 473 00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:35,418 - Oh. - And he's six years old. 474 00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:37,028 - You have a kid? - Yeah. 475 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,508 So, if you want to turn and run 476 00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:40,945 the exit to the sunglass hut is right there. 477 00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:45,689 - You kiddin' me? I love kids. - Really? 478 00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:48,475 Yeah. I mean, I don't have any of my own, but I used to be one. 479 00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:49,780 My grandma says I still am. 480 00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:50,999 By the way, I live with my grandma. 481 00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,566 - You're kidding. - No. 482 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:55,003 I should probably stop talking right about now. 483 00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:57,571 No, no, keep going, I'm starting to see you're really not much 484 00:18:57,658 --> 00:18:59,921 of a player at all. 485 00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:01,792 Oh, no, what you saw was just a handsome facade. 486 00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:03,272 I'm really a mess inside. 487 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:04,708 Yeah, no matter how many medals I've won 488 00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:06,319 or how many marine push-ups I can do. 489 00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:09,452 It's 86, by the way. 490 00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:11,150 Those are the kind that you clap in the middle. 491 00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,934 I'm serious, I can do those. 492 00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:15,371 I'm sure you can. 493 00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:17,025 I can't believe I thought you were stuck-up 494 00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:18,896 when I first saw you. 495 00:19:18,983 --> 00:19:22,073 - Where did you first see me? - At the diner. 496 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,336 Oh. 497 00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,164 [instrumental music] 498 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:35,261 So, it turns out the lady mortician is a lesbian. 499 00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,480 But I'm apparently not her type. 500 00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,265 How'd you find that out? 501 00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:42,659 I asked her if she was a lesbian and she said, "Yes." 502 00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:46,315 Then I asked her if I was her type and she said, "No." 503 00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:49,927 Hey, big boy. 504 00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:51,973 Your fiance's upstairs. 505 00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:56,934 And we were told to deliver this message to you personally. 506 00:19:57,021 --> 00:20:00,286 "Now, serving dessert in the teacher's lounge." 507 00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:04,638 - She means the bedroom. - But we didn't read it. 508 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:06,074 Unh-unh, unh-unh. 509 00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:09,382 Excuse me, ladies. 510 00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,166 [soft music] 511 00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:52,773 I love you, Molly Flynn. 512 00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,122 [snores] 513 00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,177 [theme music]