It's nice of the big guy to cook dinner for us.
Well, I don't know how good it'll be but just put it
in your mouth and pretend you're enjoying it.
Story of my life.
Alright, ladies. Hot meat coming at you.
Oh, my God.
It looks like the barn caught fire and nobody got out.
We got burgers, bratz and I threw in a couple of rib eyes
for you gals that like your meat straight-up.
Are you going to say it or am I?
I've been biting my tongue since "hot meat coming at you."
Sweetie are you planning on serving
any kind of vegetables or, uh, does everything come
from the petting zoo?
No, hey, there's vegetables.
Pickles for the burgers, kraut for the dogs
and farm-fresh tomatoes served in an easy-to-squeeze bottle.
This, this looks heart-stoppingly good.
Well, you ladies are always cooking for me
and I figured a little payback was in order.
- Thank you. - Very sweet.
If the paramedics have to use the paddles on me.
Leave my blouse on. I'm wearing an old bra.
[door bell rings]
I'll get it. It's probably Peta.
Well, invite him in. There's plenty.
Oh.
Mrs. Biggs. What a surprise.
We love it when you drop by so very unexpectedly.
Let's be honest, if I hadn't put my finger over that peephole
we wouldn't be having this conversation.
We've, we've been meaning to come visit you
but I've been crazy at work
and with all the, the wedding planning..
- Mike! - I get it.
People get busy, and some relationships
don't make the cut.
And it's usually the groom's mother
that gets the brown end of the stick.
If that means what I think it means
that's certainly not a good thing.
Would you, would you like to sit down?
I would, but my hemorrhoids are telling me to stand.
Mike!
Mom, what are you doing here?
I just came by to bring you a little treat.
You always loved your mommy's seven-layer cookies.
Oh, boy. Hey, you want to come in?
I was just getting ready to fire up some baby back ribs.
No, thanks, I drank a cold can of chicken
and stars before I came over.
Oh, that reminds me, I got to flip the drumsticks.
Mike, for the love of God, no more meat!
Oh, God, he's grilling everything in sight.
You might want to hide Jim in the car.
[Jim growling]
I'm kidding.
Please, come in and-and have dinner with us.
No, no, I don't want anybody
dragging a lawn chair in from the yard
to make me feel like I'm on the guest list.
I just wanted to grab a passing glance
at my boy and give you this.
Your seven-layer cookie recipe?
Don't need it anymore.
His life is here with you people and this way
you won't have to pry it out of my cold, dead hand.
Well, thank you.
I'd never be able to make these the way that you do.
That's true.
Let me know when the wedding is.
Assuming I'm invited.
Oh, stop. Of course you are.
We'll call you soon.
If I don't pick up, I'm not screening.
'I'm probably dead.'
Okay, well, let's hope that doesn't happen
for a long, long.. Oh, God, screw it.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
These seven-layer cookies are delicious.
Each layer perfectly complements the next one.
Just when the coconut flavor starts to fade away
blam, hello, lady butterscotch.
Listen, honey, I-I hate to come between a man
and his trans-fatty acids, but..
Aren't you a little worried about your mom?
Nah. I doubt she'll circle back again tonight.
No. She just seemed so sad.
I mean, I-I think she really misses you. You know what?
I am going to call her right now
and make plans for her next Sunday.
Ah, I hate giving up my Sundays.
That's the day I like to check things off my to-do list.
Your to-do list?
Today, you sat on the couch
and watched three football games.
Check, check and check.
Besides, when too much time goes by between visits
that crusty woman unleashes her wrath on me.
Hi. Mrs. Biggs, it's Molly.
Well, I don't want anything.
It was just so great seeing you today
and I-I thought it would be nice if we
you know, planned a little get-together
before too much time had passed.
Tomorrow? Uh, just you and me?
Ugh, I have to work all day..
No, I'm not just shining you on.
Fine. Do you like Chinese?
Oh, I was actually referring to the food
but good to know.
She does not make this easy, does she?
If it weren't for these cookies, I would put her
in a home years ago.
[instrumental music]
You know, we didn't have to eat in the school cafeteria.
I would have been happy to meet you at a restaurant.
Hmm, pay an arm and a leg for cloth napkins
and having some Swish telling you where to sit?
No, thank you. Is there a gravy shortage, Petunia?
They're a little understaffed.
Maybe if they paid a decent wage, right?
I mean, am I right?
Nothing's changed.
I used to sling hash at Mikey's school for ten years.
It was nothing but a revolving door
of transients and parolees.
What's your story? Work release or you tunnel out?
Good behavior.
Okay. Let's break up this coffee klatch, gals, um..
"Lynette.." What-what's the soup today?
Cream of Broccoli.
Uh-huh and I'm lady Gaga.
Okay, hey, you know, I'm..
I'm going to have that Jell-O.
Can't go wrong there, it's see-through.
That way, you know for sure if sweet cheeks here
tossed in a thumbtack or a rat turd.
I think it looks delicious and nutritious.
- Hey, guys. - Hi, Molly.
I'd ask you to sit down, but
we're kind of in the middle of something.
Oh, yeah, so are..
So are we, I just..
Okay.
Bit of an icy reception at the cool kid table, huh?
Mm-hmm. Only that one woman, Rebecca.
We're both in line for the vice principal job
and she's just jealous 'cause I'm clearly a front runner.
and I'm a better teacher. And that's not her real hair color.
Rug don't match the drapes, huh?
Women don't really have rugs anymore, Peggy.
Dear lord, thank you for this food.
May it nourish me and give me the strength
to get through my day without taking a handful of pills
and swan-diving in front of an "L" train.
Amen.
So you seem good. Everything okay?
Well, we've all got our crosses to bear
but apparently, the good lord has made mine
out of lead and covered it in fire ants.
But...whatever. His will be done.
Well, you have been through a lot lately.
I mean, with your boyfriend dying so suddenly and all.
Well, that's what men do, they leave.
Dennis left in a body bag
and Mike's dad left in a Chrysler imperial
with his bowling trophy and a home-wrecking whore.
And I'm guessing you're also feeling
a little abandoned by your son about now, too.
Oh, is that what this little lunch date is all about?
What?
Think you can wine and dine me
with a two dollar government meal
then get me to spill my guts
like it's "Daddy touched me" week on Dr. Phil?
Peggy, please, keep your voice down.
Let me tell you something, I may be old
lonely and heartbroken, cast aside by my own flesh
and blood but you'll never hear me complaining about it.
Oh, no. You suffer in silence.
Damn right. Peggy Biggs is not a bellyacher.
When life deals me a crap hand, I play it.
Aw, go...I can't eat this.
Hey, bright eyes.
Think you can rustle me up some hot sauce
before you walk the green mile?
She's going through the changes.
Let's hope second time's a charm.
[instrumental music]
I know you said no more meat, but these pork chops
followed me, me, me all the way home.
Well, you're not grilling them this Sunday
'cause we're spending it with your mom.
You're kidding me, I thought you jumped
on that hand grenade with lunch.
I did.
It's your turn to take a little shrapnel.
You know, since you moved in here
you hardly see her at all anymore.
I rush over there every time she calls
and it's usually just to check the bushes
for skunks or peeping Toms.
By the way, in 15 years, one skunk, no peeping Toms.
Well, I think she might appreciate you
just dropping by for no other reason
than you're her son and you love her.
I don't know, that might make her a little suspicious.
Well, here.
Take her cookie container back to her.
Aw, man! You guys ate all of 'em?
I never got one.
Oh.
I tell you you look very pretty tonight?
[door bell rings]
- 'Who is it?' - It's me, Mike.
The only Mike I know is my son
and he's been MIA since he got a girlfriend
so hit the bricks, sicko.
Alright, mom, you made your point.
I feel terrible. Now, open the door.
Sorry I didn't clean up
but I wasn't expecting company.
Ever!
What's going on? You're sleeping on the couch now?
Yeah, right next to my two best friends
the TV and the toilet.
And now you're letting Jim just eat
from a 50-pound bag of dog food?
Hey, if I die in my sleep, I figure that buys me
about a week before he starts gnawing at my sweetbreads.
Geez, he's like a ham in a dog suit.
You should see the size of his stools.
The other day he had to lay on his side to finish.
Alright, mom, listen to me.
I realize I've been very remiss as a son lately.
I don't blame you, boy, I understand you got a woman now
and she's dragging you around by your tickle stick.
Okay.
I promise I'll come around more.
But you gotta meet me halfway.
- The Arby's on Cicero? - No!
I mean you gotta pull yourself together.
You can't just mope around the house all the time.
Pretty soon Jim's legs won't be long enough
to keep his wiener off the ground.
'Oh..'
Hush, now, he's very self-conscious about his weight.
The point is, you're a strong woman, a survivor
and it breaks my heart to see you wallowing in self-pity.
That's because you don't know what it's like to wake up
and feel so all alone.
You're right, I don't.
I've always had an amazing woman in my life taking care of me.
And nobody's ever going to replace her.
[sighs] Aw, I'm just an old, tired broad
ready for the scrap heap.
Don't talk that way.
You didn't roll over and give up when dad left.
Maybe you should think about getting a job again.
Meet new people.
You know, have someplace to go every day?
And do what? Sweep hair at the Supercuts?
Read to the geezers at the old folks' home?
Hand out samples of summer sausage
to the moochers at the grocery store?
All I'm saying is, you still got a lot to offer.
I am good with people.
You do have a gift.
Hey, do you need any help around the police station?
No! We do not.
But I'm sure, somewhere, there's a place
that you'd fit right in.
Hmm.
What's in the chef's stew?
Oh.
So far, I've fished out two cigarette butts
and a shoelace. What do you think?
You want to roll the dice?
I think it's a great idea for your mom
to start working again.
That's why I let my grandma do little odd jobs for me.
It keeps her young.
Well, she must feel like a teenager
when she's laying under your truck changing the oil.
Yeah, it's worth the 20 bucks I give her
just to see that happy, greasy smile on her face.
[cell phone ringing]
Oh, it's Molly.
Hey, sweetie, what's going on?
Really?
My mom got a job at Molly's school.
- That's great! - That's great.
It's not?
It's not great.
Meatball sub.
Bacon double cheeseburger.
Uh, no, no. Those are for Carl.
I only eat meat on the weekends.
I'm having cottage cheese and sliced peaches.
I can't be a part of this.
Well, look, you're the one that told me
to go spend time with my mom.
If it's followed by something horrible
then that's on you, isn't it?
Samuel, can I get an iced tea with one Splenda?
Order me a chocolate milkshake, this is gonna take a while.
Really, so you have no idea
why I wasn't invited to that faculty meeting?
None. The e-mail should have gone out to everybody.
But you're the one that sends the e-mails out.
Everyone else got it.
Do you know how to work your e-mail?
Yes, I do.
And your address is still jollymolly77?
Close. "Cubfan4."
My bad.
It will not happen again.
Thank you.
- Cafeteria's downstairs. - I know where it is.
I got sloppy Joe in my hair.
You missed out on my fresh brownies today.
You ran out of that cafeteria
like a Mexican chasing a soccer ball.
No, I just had to make a quick phone call.
Well, I brought you some premium wedges.
Figured you could take some home to the boy.
That's sweet, Peggy. I-I appreciate it.
- Mind if I join you? - Uh...sure.
I usually put in a swirl of peanut butter
but apparently, now, every kid in the world
can't even look at a nut without his head swelling up
like a ballpark Frank.
Yeah, peanut allergies are actually pretty serious thing.
That's because we're raising a generation
of thin-skinned sissies.
I hear they don't even keep score
at sporting events anymore.
They don't want the kids to go home
and feel like a loser.
Some of them are losers.
And the sooner they embrace that the less chance
they'll be crouching in a bell tower
with a high-powered rifle and a picture of the president.
Wow, well, if at all possible
we-we try not to refer to the students as losers.
I've heard you say worse.
I was kidding, and that was at home
and that was before you and I had a professional relationship
which is the type of relationship
we should maintain while we're on school grounds.
Oh, I get it.
Professor high horse doesn't want to be seen
with Lola the lunch lady.
No, no, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm just not comfortable with my personal life
mixing with my professional life.
Don't worry. From now on, I'm just a faceless slop jockey.
Come on, you don't need to be so dramatic about it.
Hey. That's the way it is.
Lunch ladies are invisible.
But on the plus side, I hear little kids
talking about cheating on tests
teachers talking about cheating on their spouses..
Um, what's that?
All I'm saying is that chippy I saw crossing out of here
sure is playing with fire.
Rebecca? What are you talking about?
- She's not married. - No, but the principal is.
She's doing it with the principal?
You didn't hear that from me
and I didn't hear it from the janitor.
Well, I better shimmy back down the totem pole.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, what are you.. What are you doing?
I thought we were gonna... have some brownies.
Doesn't strike me as very professional.
Oh, come on, we're both off the clock
and we're...family.
Right? Mom?
[instrumental music]
Wait, are you saying that distribution of school funds
is decided by the principal's secretary?
Not officially.
But she's definitely
the blue-haired puppet master.
Because she's got the skinny on her boss.
And by skinny, I mean photos.
Get out. Ugh!
What do you hear about the vice principal job?
Am I still the front runner?
Ah, that's enough shop talk for one day.
We can gab more on Sunday
when you and Mikey come over for dinner.
Oh. Sunday, mm, gosh, I think--
I'll make a roast and we can discuss
you and Mikey having a church wedding.
We weren't planning on a church wedding.
And I wasn't planning on serving goulash
while wearing a wire.
But if you want to dance, you got to pay the Fiddler.
I want to dance.
[instrumental music]
[both laughing]
Oh, my God.
[Molly] 'Oh, my God.'
Hey.
I think Jim's back down to his fighting weight.
He just took a dump so big I thought it was another dog.
By the way, I talked to the priest
at St. Bartholomew's and you're good to go.
Wait, we're having church wedding? When did that happen?
Since I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and savior.
And you know, our little get-togethers
don't have to be just on a Sunday.
Really?
My Wednesdays are pretty free, too.
Okay, Peggy..
I'm giving up Wednesdays, dinner better be extra juicy.
Oh, yeah.
And afterwards, we can look at some pictures.
Ooh. Wednesday it is.
You know, I bowl on Wednesdays.
Not anymore, you don't.
[theme music]