You guys really go all out into holidays, huh?
Yes, we do. And save your air.
'cause you still have to blow up an eight foot snowman.
And do that inside of the house.
I did it on the front lawn last year
and we got a lot of calls from the neighbors.
It's not your fault they put his little nozzle in the front.
And now that we have a man that can get up on the roof
with Christmas lights and a nail gun
we are gonna pimp this bitch out.
Should I try and untangle these, or you just want to drop them
from the roof on New Year's Eve?
Oh, no, for New Year's Eve we do Roman candles and air horns.
Oh, God, the neighbors hate us.
Oh. Oh, look, stockings.
[together] Aww.
We got to hang one up for Mike, too.
Do you still have yours from when you were a kid?
Oh, mom didn't really save a lot of that stuff.
And truthfully, Christmas wasn't
really a big deal around our house.
But you still celebrated, didn't you?
Sure, when my dad was around
we'd have a very traditional Christmas.
He'd get a tree, we'd exchange gifts
my mom would call him cheap and start a fight
he'd take a bottle of booze into the backyard
I'd cry and we'd go to bed.
Oh, my God, was it like that every year?
Oh, after he moved out it got kind of sad.
Mom and I would have our Christmas dinners at Denny's
and then go over to Daley Plaza and watch the ice skaters fall.
Ah, how she loved to watch 'em fall.
Well, we're gonna get rid of the ghosts of Christmas Past
and make you some new memories, right, girls?
- Right. - You betcha.
Tomorrow we're gonna go pick out a Christmas tree
and pop some popcorn and string some cranberries.
- Apple cider. - With schnapps.
- Hot cocoa. - With schnapps.
The house'll be smelling like gingerbread and sugar cookies.
And schnapps.
Holiday music playing 24/7.
- That sounds really nice. - You bet it does.
So strap on your elf hat, buddy
'cause Santa Claus is coming to town.
And that twinkly-eyed rascal
likes to party with the Flynn girls.
And in this house, he don't care if you've been naughty or nice.
That's good, 'cause in my house if you smarted off to your mom
during Christmas week
your present went from a Super Nintendo
to a bag of tube socks with a note from Santa sayin'
"If you don't like it, go live with your dad and his whore."
Okay.
- Who else wants schnapps? - I do.
I could use one.
No, sweetie, probably better if you didn't drink.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, okay, alright, settle down.
Now, I know you're all excited about Christmas break
and I'm happy to tell you there won't be any homework.
[kids cheering]
That is my present to you.
But I do want you to do one thing for me.
- Damn it. - No, come on!
During the holiday season when you're playing
with all your new toys, I want you to pick out
one person and do something nice for them.
I thought you said there was no homework.
This isn't really homework.
This is just offering to do something kind
for somebody who might need your help.
It doesn't have to be somebody in your family.
- Like a stranger? - No..
No! Not like a stranger.
We talked about that, that's dangerous.
There are a lot of creep-o's out there.
But my point is that it's..
[school bell ringing]
...better to give than receive
and to be thankful for what you have..
Walk, don't run.
Happy holidays.
Whoo, parents' problem now.
- Molly. - Rebecca. Hi.
I just wanted to stop by to wish you a happy holiday
since you're probably not coming to the faculty party.
No, I was gonna swing by
as long as there's still free booze.
Oh, you don't know, do you?
Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you
so I'm just gonna leave.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tell, tell me what?
[sighs] Nothing is official, but rumor has it
you're not getting the vice-principal job.
That's impossible.
There's no one more qualified at this school.
I mean, who are they going to give it to if not..
Oh..
Well, that's just terrific.
- Isn't it? - Indeedy it is.
Yeah, just wow.
- Fantastic turn of events. - Thank you.
No, thank you.
Stoppin' by and taking the time to tell me your good news!
Son of a bitch!
Here we go, ladies.
Nothin' says "Happy birthday, Jesus"
like a big jug of stupid juice.
Fill 'er up. I'm drivin' on a suspended license anyway.
Slow down, Drunky McGee.
You've been sucking the gin teat since 0600
when you snapped on your hairnet.
It's the holidays. Kiss my ass.
Is that how you're signing your Christmas cards this year?
Why break tradition?
Alright, ladies, raise 'em up.
Here's to three weeks of not havin' to serve Mexican goulash
to a bunch of whiney, snot-nosed ingrates..
...and their students.
Birdie, we're in here. Sit down, you're missin' the party.
Poor thing's five squares short of a bingo, ain't she?
They actually tried sacking her a few years ago.
She kept pulling the fire alarm thinkin' it was nickel slots.
Well, thank God she shrunk so much
and she can't reach 'em anymore.
Peggy, can I talk to you for a second?
I'll be right back, but don't start decoratin'
Birdie without me.
Is the rumor true about the vice-principal job?
It's not a rumor, it's a fact.
I just saw the e-mail on the janitor's iPhone.
Damn it, I worked my butt off to get that job.
She worked her butt, too.
But it was on the principal's joystick and whatever else
he pointed at and told her to straddle.
It's not fair.
I told you to take the low road.
No. I wasn't gonna use blackmail to get a job I clearly deserved.
It's not supposed to work like that.
Welcome to the wonderful world of disappointment.
The good news is, you're the young, hot one.
[instrumental music]
Wow, this new beard is nice.
Not too itchy, very lifelike. None too soon.
Because the old one was starting to get a little gamey.
Well, it was attached to your mouth
and that area gets a lot of holiday traffic.
After a couple of hot chocolates and a taffy apple
it starts to look like a poodle's ass.
I'm glad I sprung for the deluxe one.
It says on the label, "It's the facial hair preferred
"by most Santas, Father Times
and ZZ Top tribute bands."
Yeah, meanwhile, I got to put on that same ratty elf costume
with the green tights and a tiny shirt.
Thank God I've got shapely legs and confidence.
Are you angling to be Santa again?
Lord, no! I'm still trying to get over the sting of last year.
All them kids coming up to me talking about
"Santa ain't black, Santa ain't black."
And those were the black kids.
Well, me walking around in that elf costume
wasn't exactly a crowd pleaser.
Yeah, like those underprivileged kids
haven't seen enough ugly in their lives.
- Happy holidays, gentlemen. - Alright.
And keep the change.
A two dollar and 15 cent tip?
It truly is a season of miracles.
- Just take it. - God bless you, kind sir.
I shall run out right now
and buy the fattest Christmas goose in all the land.
And perhaps a skateboard for Tiny Tim
now that I can afford to get his little legs fixed.
See, that right there is why I never tip him.
[instrumental music]
Oh!
Well, it's officially Christmas.
Birdie's lit and so are we.
All I'm saying is that that job should have been mine.
But who did they give it to?
The perky little slut Rebecca.
I hate perky little sluts.
You still harpin' about losing that job?
Hey, I come in early, I come on the weekends.
Why? Because I care. That's why.
Well, there is your first mistake.
Once those bastards know you give a damn
that's when they got you by the little gray curlies.
- Oh, yeah. - That's right!
No, no, no. It's not supposed to be like that!
Hard work and dedication
are supposed to be rewarded, right?
Sure, when you walk through the forest
all the bluebirds are singing pretty songs
putting flowers in your hair and crappin' candy kisses.
Wake up, sap, life is cruel.
I learned that lesson a long time ago with my first husband.
Oh, here we go.
Another tragic tale about you
and that bowlegged son of a bitch.
I like bowlegged men.
Just grab 'em by the ankles and make a wish.
He was working double shifts so we could save up enough money
to buy our own weenie truck.
Blah, blah, blah.
Then he drained the bank account and moved to Wisconsin
with some half-Cherokee gal.
Chippewa.
The point is, your heart was broken
your dreams were squashed
and now Pocahontas is driving around in your weenie truck.
What am I supposed to do? Just stop tryin'?
I can't live like that.
I need to believe that if I do my best and be a good person
I'll be the one driving the weenie truck.
[instrumental music]
Vin, that's a beautiful tree.
Best one they had.
I own the vacant lot where the guy sells 'em
so he gives me first choice.
That's why we get free pumpkins at Halloween
stuffed bunnies on Easter
and crack cocaine pretty much year round.
[Mike] 'There she is, my Christmas angel.'
And you're just in time to help decorate the tree.
Whoo!
Let's decorate the hell out of that thing!
Whoo!
Whoo! Let's throw some tinsel on it.
And pretend that it's not already dead.
Whoo-oo-oo!
Look at the little dead tree.
See you in about two weeks when you're rottin' on the curb.
Whoo. And to all a goodnight.
Anybody want schnapps?
[instrumental music]
Molly? Sweetie, you awake? It's time for lunch.
- Not hungry. - Come on, rise and shine.
You've been under those covers for two days now.
Let's see that pretty little face of yours...
Whoa.
- What? - Nothin'.
I just thought it might be kind of fun
to get out of the house today.
Take a shower, brush our teeth
maybe buy some gifts for our loved ones.
Just put my purse under the tree
and tell everyone to take what they want.
Come on, you don't need that vice-principal job.
You're still a great teacher.
Was a great teacher. I'm done with that.
What are you talkin' about?
What is the point?
I'm nothing, but a glorified baby sitter.
I'd actually make more money if I was a baby sitter.
Hey, why don't we try to salvage what's left of the day?
I'll go rustle us up some lunch and you make yourself pretty.
Not that you're not pretty already.
Prettier is what I meant.
- If that's possible. - Get out!
[instrumental music]
Well, who is this pretty little thing, Jingles?
[high-pitched voice] This is Cindy.
And according to your list, she's been a very good girl.
- Is that true, young lady? - Yes.
Well, let's see if we can find
an extra special present for you.
I'm on it, Santy Claus.
Ooh!
This feels like a dolly.
But don't open it until Christmas morning
even though Jingles here already ruined the surprise for you.
Make sure you give her a good home
and don't ever let her quit school, do drugs
or get a tramp stamp.
You just make the toys, Jingles, don't tell 'em how to raise 'em.
Thank you, Santa.
You're welcome, little princess.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Santa needs to take five.
Yeah, I can see how you might get tired
sitting on that throne while I lift children onto your lap.
Santa needs to take a little "Pause for the Claus."
So when we're done here you want to grab a bite to eat?
If we stay in costume, we might get a free dessert.
Mmm, says the man who's not trying to hide
his Christmas package under a short elf shirt.
What's the matter, Molly still hasn't pulled out
of her funk yet?
- Hey, when are you coming back? - Be cool, little man.
Santa has a domestic situation up at the North Pole.
I'm sure she'll pull out of it.
You just need to give her a little space.
I hope so 'cause I've never really had a good Christmas.
and I'm starting to think maybe mom's right.
It is me.
I just want my toy.
If you don't mind your manners, you're not
gonna get a toy this year.
You're not real. Elves aren't black.
Hey, there are black elves all over the North Pole.
How many times you been?
None? That's what I thought.
Carl, let it go. He's just a kid.
And you're not really Santa. Santa's not that fat.
You know how I got this fat?
By eating all the little naughty kids.
So butter up and I'll see you Christmas mornin'.
Why does this happen every year?
I don't know. I-I blame the parents.
[music on television]
How do you drink that eggnog without booze in it?
Basically, you're just guzzlin' pancake batter.
Who said there's no booze in it?
Charlie Brown's a chump.
Whoa! Charlie Brown is a beloved character.
And this is a timeless holiday classic.
Look at those little jerks.
They all have the same giant heads, just different hair.
Much like the Moranto family.
Men, women, babies. All got the same melon.
You think you're gonna grow into it, nobody ever does.
I can't believe they keep shovin' this baloney
down our throats every year.
Oh, come on.
You're tellin' me your heart doesn't swell
when the little gay kid tells the bald-headed bastard
about the true meaning of Christmas?
If this were real life
Charlie Brown would've tied Linus' blanket around his neck
like a noose and jumped off the top of Snoopy's doghouse.
Wow, you are grim.
[doorbell dings]
You've got a big melon head.
Please let it be carolers.
I'm dying to turn the hose on some carolers.
- Miss Flynn? - Who's askin'?
My name's Matt Dalton.
I was a student of yours about ten years ago.
Okay. Well, thanks for stopping by.
- Don't be a stranger. - But wait, wait, wait..
You don't remember me?
I was kind of fidgety.
I spent most of my time drawing in my notebook
and on my desk and on the walls.
Look, Matt, I'm sure you think you're narrowing it down
but I've seen a lot of Ritalin kids in my day.
Do you remember when you walked by me
and I'd drawn this big dragon on my desk?
And instead of getting mad, you gave me
a sheet of drawing paper and told me to make it
bigger, more colorful?
And I hung it on the board.
You did.
Matt Dalton.
I do remember you. That was a dragon?
All these years I thought it was a dog.
I mean, a beautiful dog.
Very colorful.
Well, you were the only teacher that encouraged me
to pursue my drawing.
So I wanted to come by and thank you.
And to tell you I got accepted
into the School of Art and Design.
Really? That's great.
It was because of you.
Well...wow.
Do you...do you want to come in for a bit
and maybe have, um, some eggnog?
Don't worry, he's nobody.
I gotta get going, but, um..
I wanted to give you this.
Hey.
Aw.
Hang on to it.
Hopefully, it'll be worth something someday.
It already is.
Thanks, Miss Flynn. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Matt.
I'm sorry, but this is totally a dog.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey. Look, everybody, Santa's here.
- You're up. - I am.
- And dressed. - And clean.
So, all's well in Whoville?
Yeah, I didn't want to be vice-principal anyway.
All they really do is push paper and punish kids. And..
I'd rather teach them and inspire them.
I thought you said there was a significant pay bump, too.
Vince.
I don't care about the money.
It's-it's not about that.
It's about, you know, doing something you love
that you're passionate about.
And being able to come home to someone who loves you
for who you are.
And that ain't going anywhere.
Aw, you're my big weenie truck.
I don't know what that means, but I'll take it.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]