[instrumental music]
So, you kids must be getting
pretty excited about the big day.
Yeah, Molly and I both love Super Bowl Sunday.
Wedding. Wedding.
Oh.
Well, everything's all squared away at St. Bart's.
And if you slip the organist 15 bucks
she'll play anything you want.
Now, I warn you, she's 85 and incontinent
so those low notes ain't always coming from the organ.
Okay, well, good to know.
Sounds like we'll be using the ceiling fans.
Oh, and at some point you'll have to sit down
with Father Tim.
It's a formality, really.
He just has to confirm
you're a boy and you're a girl
and both planning on staying that way.
Well, what if I was both? Then I wouldn't need Mike.
[both chuckling]
Make sure she doesn't crack wise in front of the good Father.
He drinks, he's got a temper, and he's not a big fan of women.
So, where you having the reception?
We found this place, it's actually pretty nice
and it's walking distance from the church.
Great, so I gotta traipse around the dirty streets
of Chicago wearing high heels and a taffeta gown?
I'm sorry. You're wearing a taffeta gown?
Not if I got to hoof it to the reception.
Wind comes along, catches my skirt
everybody gets a freebie.
Well, that's a visual.
I don't know why you don't have the reception
in the church basement.
It's clean, it's free.
You lay down a couple of sheets of plywood
you got a dance floor.
Well, that certainly sounds festive
in a hoedown-y kind of way
but Mike and I were thinking
you know, uh...a little help?
We don't wanna do it in a basement, ma.
Fine, blow your money.
Your kids can go to community college
and have crooked teeth.
Now, about the seating arrangements.
I'm at the head table next to my boy, right?
Actually, we were thinking that Mike and I would sit
at a sweetheart table and everybody else
would be seated around us.
Not much space in your spotlight, is there?
So, where's that put me, near to the kitchen door
with one of your humpback uncles?
Well, we thought by eliminating the head table
things would be a little less awkward
between you and Mike's dad.
Come again?
Abort. Abort.
I thought you two already talked about this.
You invited your deadbeat dad and his hell-bound whore
to come to our wedding?
Well, it's still kinda up in the air with the whore.
Wait, "our wedding?"
You ungrateful, little Judas.
After all the sacrifices I've made for you
and you just stab me in the back.
Enjoy your 30 pieces of silver, turncoat!
That's great. This is just perfect.
What did she mean by "our wedding?"
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
What were you thinking?!
Everything was going so well and you had to bring up
my dad coming to the wedding?
You told me she was fine with it!
She was, because she didn't know about it!
Well, don't blame me because you're afraid
to talk to your own mother.
Oh, don't get on your high horse.
You're afraid of her, too.
That's not the point. She's your mom.
You should be able to be honest and open with her.
Are you hearing yourself?
Why is there a cop car in front of my house?
You got me, there's no way my mom could've bought a rifle
and beat us here.
[Joyce] You can't cart my baby off to jail!
Vince, do something!
Boys, if you let her go I can fill the trunk of your car
with porterhouse steaks and Mexican Rolexes.
The meat is real.
Hey, what is going on?
Oh, there's my future son-in-law, the cop.
Set these goons straight.
Uh, Officer Michael Biggs. What's the problem, fellas?
She was driving erratically
and we followed her to this location
where she proceeded to park her car on the sidewalk.
But in front of my own house.
That's supposed to be home base
which means I'm olly olly oxen free.
She's also got 12 outstanding parking tickets
and she's been driving on a suspended license.
We have to impound the vehicle and take her to the station.
What? I'm going to jail?
I am too young and pretty!
Those butch chicks will be on me like ants on a peach.
You're gonna let 'em take her away?
- I'll follow you in my car. - Ugh!
So, the only thing we get from having you in the house
is an empty refrigerator
and a three-foot butt divot in the couch!
Could you please take your mom inside?
Vince..
Why don't you arrest somebody
who's committed a real crime, huh?
Like, whoever gave you that haircut!
Yeah, I'm talking to you, thumb-head!
- Mom, in the house! - Come on, Red.
Those mooks will just shoot you and plant the gun on me.
I'll post bail and get her back as soon as possible.
Thanks, sweetie.
Great, now, all the neighbors are watching.
Well, you got cops on the lawn and your mom's mooning them
through the window.
Mom, pull your pants up!
Alright, show's over!
Quit acting like you haven't seen my mom's butt before!
[instrumental music]
I can't believe they put my baby in jail
over a few parking tickets.
Oh, this town has gone straight to hell
since the Colombians pushed the Italians out.
Sad but true.
- Oh, family. - Oh, sweetie.
Oh, God.
- Oh. - I missed you all so much.
Where's Little Molly?
Right here, Papillon.
So, what is the deal? Does she have to go to court?
Well, they impounded her car until she pays the fines
and gets her license reinstated.
And you couldn't pull any strings?
I did. She's not spending the night in jail.
And they pretended to believe me when I told them
the smell in her car was skunk air-freshener.
Oh, honey, you must be starving.
Let mommy make you a sandwich.
Oh, that's all I've been thinking about
since I've been away, is a home-cooked meal.
Oh, my God.
Hey, if you're making sandwiches, uh, I'll have one.
Look at him, can't get rid of a couple of parking tickets
but he can sure make a loaf of bread disappear.
So, am I getting a sandwich or not?
[instrumental music]
No, dad, I'm not dis-inviting you to my wedding.
What's going on?
Mike's dis-inviting his dad to his wedding.
Shh!
No, I realize I'm your only son
but hey, that vasectomy was your idea.
He's having a bad day so don't bring him any pancakes
waffles, and put a padlock on the pie case.
No, dad, I'm not choosing her over you.
I'm not choosing anybody. I'm just trying to get married.
- Bring me a tall stack. - Don't you move.
Listen, I need one of you guys to be reasonable
and we both know that's not gonna be mom.
- Pancakes! - Uh, Carl told me not to.
I got a situation here. Bring me pancakes!
No. He's not hungry.
He's just upset because he's caught in the middle
between mommy and daddy.
I know exactly how he feels.
What if mom agrees that you can come if Marlene doesn't?
No, I'm not trying to hurt your wife's feelings.
I'm more worried about mom stabbing her in the neck
with a cake knife!
Hang on, dad, Molly's on the other line.
Is he bringing me pancakes?
Now, you know damn well the answer ain't at the bottom
of an Aunt Jemima bottle.
Hey, Molly, what's up?
I'm on duty.
I can't use the squad car
to chauffeur your sister around.
Hang on, I got my dad on the other line.
Dad, listen..
Oh, now, don't cry. Don't cry.
If you cry, I cry.
How can this day get any worse?
Would it be cool if I blazed up back here?
[instrumental music]
Hello, ladies.
Sloppy Joes were sublime today.
[chuckles] And the bread pudding?
Tres magnifique.
That's French for "damn fine bread pudding."
I'm gonna have a little chin wag with my..
...future mommy-in-law.
The hairnet club seems a little more bubbly than usual.
Rat trap day?
What do you want?
Look, I understand that you're still upset
but it'll kill Mike if you don't come to our wedding.
He should've thought about that before he betrayed me.
Yeah, he should have talked to you about that
and he assured me he had.
Lying to you already, is he?
Well, the apple don't fall too far from the tree.
His father told me he joined the National Guard
and the only truth to that story was he was spending
every other weekend in the bush.
It's not like he's picking his father over you.
I mean, they only talk on the phone maybe once a month
and he's just seen him a few times since you guys divorced.
- What? - Oh, my God!
Don't you guys tell each other anything?
I was in labor for nine hours
with that 13-pound backstabber.
Turned my uterus into a windsock.
And this is how he thanks me?
See, now, this is the kind of open dialogue
you two should be having.
- We're done here. - Come on!
If you and Mike would just talk about this--
Talking's over.
Fine, let you ladies get back
to planning tomorrow's nutritious menu.
Who am I kidding? We all know it's crap.
Oh!
Let it go, Lynette.
Don't waste your third strike on her.
[instrumental music]
♪ I'm your biggest fan ♪
♪ I'll follow you until you love me ♪
♪ Papa paparazzi ♪
Going to add a little blush, Mr. Whitmore.
Just because you're stone-cold dead
doesn't mean you can't be stone-cold hot.
♪ Baby there's no other superstar ♪
♪ You know that I'll be ♪
♪ Papa paparazzi ♪
Victoria, you ready to go?
[humming]
[both screaming]
Hah!
- Mike! - Sorry.
Oh! What the hell, dude?
You don't just sneak up on somebody in a mortuary.
I apologize. Now, can we get out of here?
In a second.
Need to finish up on Mr. Whitmore.
What happened to him?
Poor old thing just keeled over shoveling his front walk.
See? That's why I always pay the neighbor kid to do it.
Let them die in the snow.
Oh, gives me the creeps.
But you're a cop.
You must see dead bodies all the time.
Sure, but we just tag 'em and bag 'em.
We don't mousse and spruce.
Don't know how you have the stomach for it.
Well, everybody dies.
And I just wanna make them look their best
for whatever is waiting for them on the other side.
Sure, might as well hedge your bets.
If there is an afterlife, you don't wanna be the ugly one.
Right?
I mean, who knows what the next dimension holds for us?
We could come back as a dog or a monkey
or a head of cabbage.
That would be my luck.
After a lifetime of choking down salads
to come back as a big bowl of slaw.
Or maybe this is it.
And we should make the most of it while we're here.
That's what I'm doing.
Living my life to the fullest.
So, when I'm laying here like Mr. Whitmore
I will have a peaceful smile on my face
and it won't have to be sewn on
with two big hooks and fishing wire.
Do you actually do that?
I had to do it to this one.
When they rolled him in, he was not a happy camper.
Well, nobody likes to shovel their driveway.
[cell phone ringing]
Ah, great.
Hey, mom.
I-I can't understand what you're saying.
Molly told you what?
Uh, I gotta take this.
I'll be right there.
That about does it, Mr. Whitmore.
Mmm. You look very handsome.
Good luck on your journey.
And may your next life be filled with love
happiness and hopefully a snow blower.
♪ I'm your biggest fan ♪
♪ I'll follow you until you love me ♪
♪ Papa paparazzi ♪
♪ Baby there's no other superstar ♪
What do you want from me? He's my father.
I can't just cut him out of my life completely.
Why not, he wrote the both of us off
the minute he walked out that door and followed his boner
all the way to Pompano Beach!
[knocking on door]
I hate to interrupt
but it's cold in the car, and I gotta tinkle.
What the hell is she doing here?
She needed a ride.
Through the dining room and to the right.
Thanks, I was waiting for a lull in the fight
but that never happened and I've been pounding Mountain Dew
since 7 o'clock this morning.
Hi, Jim! Continue.
As far as I'm concerned
there's nothing else to talk about.
You chose your father over me, plain and simple!
Mom, it's my wedding day!
Is it too much to ask for you
to put your differences aside for one hour?
One hour? You ever been to a Catholic wedding?
After three hours of stand, sit and kneel
you're looking at the crucifix, thinking he's the lucky one!
You know what? I give up.
Come to my wedding, don't come to my wedding.
Do what you want, 'cause after all, it's your special day.
It was! Now, you can spend it with your precious daddy.
And your step-mommy, the prostitute!
Hey, maybe you can book her for the bachelor party!
Sorry.
I'll get out of your hair.
Love your house, by the way.
Thanks.
Is this where Mike grew up?
You mean, is this where I cooked and cleaned
and sacrificed the flower of my youth
to raise that ungrateful lout?
- Yeah. - It is.
Bought it in '72. His father got it on the GI Bill.
Only smart thing that son of a bitch ever did.
Other than marrying you, right?
I gave him a son and a home, and how did he repay me?
By running off with some tramp
and leaving me with a ninth-grader
who could outeat a family of beavers.
Well, you did a wonderful job with that little beaver.
He's kind and thoughtful..
...and that's because of you.
Yeah, well, it wasn't easy.
But I'm a nurturer.
Always have been. Can't turn it off.
So..
...why wouldn't you wanna go to the wedding
and show that ex-husband of yours
what you were able to do without him?
Oh, I wouldn't dream of using the kid's special day
to grind a 20-year-old axe.
If it was me..
...I would be rolling up to that wedding
with my hair done, a face full of makeup
and a dress short enough to show off those legs
which have held up very nicely.
Well, I square-dance and do water aerobics.
It shows.
I'd kill for those things.
But I did get lucky in the boob department.
Yes, you did. They are high and ample.
[car horn honking]
Hey, if you change your mind
and end up going to the wedding
I would be happy to do your makeup for you.
Ah, I don't think so.
I found this great new lipstick.
If it can give a dead person kissable lips
imagine what it can do for you.
Later, Jimbo.
She's not wrong about my sticks.
At the public pool, people used to mistake me for Ann-Margret.
[instrumental music]
Great, now, because she won't budge
I gotta call my dad and break his heart.
Sorry, Mike.
[cell phone ringing]
What now?
Mom, what a nice surprise. Long time, no harp.
What?
Really?
That's great.
My mom and my dad are coming to my wedding.
Oh, that's nice. Maybe they'll bury the hatchet.
Oh, no, I'm gonna pat her down
before I let her in the church.
Okay, mom, I'll talk to you later.
And thanks.
Well, that's weird.
I wonder what made her change her mind.
Well, I'm guessing it's not easy
to stay mad at a guy like you forever.
I don't know, she's been doing a pretty good job of it
for the last 35 years.
Who knows what brought her around?
Life is filled with mystery.
And just think, if I was a monkey
and you were a bowl of coleslaw, we wouldn't even
be having this conversation.
[instrumental music]
Alright, kids, I'm out of here.
- Where are you going? - I'm celebrating.
I got my driver's license back.
Just be careful tonight and if you're not okay
to drive home, please take a cab.
No, no, no. If you need a ride home, call me.
I appreciate your offer, Mike
but I'm not driving tonight.
I'm going out with a very responsible friend.
[Mike] 'Alright, well, have a good time.'
- She'll be fine. - Are you kidding?
Have you seen the kind of people she hangs out with?
So, where we headed, Legs?
It's ladies night at the VFW.
Two dollar gin Rickey's and all-you-can-eat pepper poppers.
Sounds like a plan.
Do you mind?
I...guess it's okay.
But blow it out the window. My son's a cop.
[engine revving]
[instrumental music]
[theme music]