1
00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:03,786
[instrumental music]

2
00:00:03,873 --> 00:00:07,703
Chamomile and honey for my lady,
beer and Clamato for me.

3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:10,575
Thank you. I don't know how
you drink that stuff?

4
00:00:10,662 --> 00:00:11,968
Right back at you.

5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,537
Hey, have you given
any thought to what

6
00:00:15,624 --> 00:00:16,842
you like to do
for our honeymoon?

7
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:20,411
Can I have my heart set
on intercourse?

8
00:00:20,498 --> 00:00:21,891
Obviously, that's contingent
on how much

9
00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:23,240
I drink at the reception.

10
00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:24,981
Oh, no, you'll be
putting out, pal.

11
00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:26,069
It's my weeding night,
and I planned

12
00:00:26,156 --> 00:00:28,463
on losing my virginity again.

13
00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:31,074
Duly noted.

14
00:00:31,161 --> 00:00:33,642
Now, I know its kind of cliche
but I was thinking

15
00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:36,949
honeymooning in Paris
could be really romantic.

16
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,387
Paris, France?

17
00:00:39,474 --> 00:00:41,867
No, Mike, Paris, Tennessee.

18
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,217
You jest

19
00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:44,870
but it does have
a mini Eiffel Tower

20
00:00:44,957 --> 00:00:47,482
and is home to the world's
largest fish fry.

21
00:00:49,223 --> 00:00:52,052
Why did I ever buy you
that "Eating Atlas of America"?

22
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:54,402
It's the best Christmas present
I ever got.

23
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,969
It's my bible and my wish book.

24
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,755
And the most dog-eared piece
of literature in the bathroom

25
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:03,063
but I was thinking more
of the European Paris.

26
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:06,022
Springtime, we're sitting
at a sidewalk cafe

27
00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:08,155
sipping little cups
of chocolate..

28
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:10,896
Hey, if it's chocolate
you're cravin'

29
00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,551
we should just go to
the belly of the beast.

30
00:01:13,638 --> 00:01:15,423
Hershey, Pennsylvania.

31
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:18,469
It's an entire city dedicated
to the magical cocoa bean.

32
00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:21,733
Very tempting, but, uh..

33
00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:25,302
Paris has history
and the amazing museums

34
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:26,999
and beautiful architecture.

35
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,958
You know what
you just described?

36
00:01:29,045 --> 00:01:30,264
Cleveland, Ohio.

37
00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,050
They got the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame there

38
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and it's shaped like
a big guitar.

39
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,575
Good to know.

40
00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,839
That's history, architecture
and museum combined.

41
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:44,452
It's the Jell-O 1-2-3
of vacation spots.

42
00:01:44,539 --> 00:01:47,846
All roads really do lead back
to food for you, don't they?

43
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:50,588
I just want to go
somewhere special.

44
00:01:50,675 --> 00:01:53,156
Then how about
driving to Missouri

45
00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:55,071
and taking an old-timey
paddleboat ride

46
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,725
down the mighty Mississippi?

47
00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,857
Sure, and when we
drop anchor in Saint Louie

48
00:01:58,944 --> 00:02:01,338
maybe we can go get a big old
bucket of Ozark puddin'.

49
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,124
How'd you know
about Ozark puddin'?

50
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:07,953
- Ah, I read.
- Vince, drop it!

51
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,826
I told you, he's an old friend,
and we're having dinner!

52
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:12,697
Not just any old friend,
an old boyfriend!

53
00:02:12,784 --> 00:02:16,179
Ugh, will you explain to this
lunkhead that a woman is capable

54
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:19,095
of being just friends
with an old, former lover?

55
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:21,750
Hey, if it didn't end with
name calling and tire slashing

56
00:02:21,837 --> 00:02:24,753
then the embers of desire
are still smoldering.

57
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,364
Actually, Vince, I'm friends
with almost all my exes.

58
00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:30,062
Yeah, but they were all swishes.
How'd you put it, Mike?

59
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,588
Like the front row
of a Cher concert?

60
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:37,113
I never used the word swish,
I said pansy.

61
00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:40,638
Mom, who are you
meeting, anyway?

62
00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:43,554
- Remember Richard?
- Ooh, Richard. Wow.

63
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:45,513
What does that mean,
"Ooh, Richard. Wow?"

64
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,167
Nothing.

65
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:50,779
I forbid you to go out
with "Ooh, Richard. Wow!"

66
00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:52,694
Oh, you forbid me?

67
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:55,000
Well, that changes everything.

68
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,264
Don't wait up!

69
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:58,656
Okay, you can go

70
00:02:58,743 --> 00:03:00,528
but I want you
back here by 10 o'clock.

71
00:03:00,615 --> 00:03:02,443
And your panties better
not be in your purse!

72
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,053
Don't be such an ass!

73
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,055
'You know I never wear
panties with this dress.'

74
00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:09,319
Story of my life.

75
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:12,670
I give a woman my heart,
and she says, "No thanks.

76
00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:14,629
Balls, please."

77
00:03:16,065 --> 00:03:19,373
- Mike, say something.
- Oh, sure.

78
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,852
Vince, when somebody says
the word chocolate

79
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:23,551
what city springs to mind?

80
00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:28,991
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

81
00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:31,515
♪ I see love ♪♪

82
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:44,572
She expects me
to believe that

83
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,661
some old boyfriend
calls her up out of the blue

84
00:03:46,748 --> 00:03:48,532
and just wants
to take her to dinner.

85
00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:50,099
Who the hell does that?

86
00:03:50,186 --> 00:03:52,536
Well, Vince, human behavior
has changed a lot

87
00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:55,235
since you slithered out
of the ocean and lost your tail.

88
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,499
I don't even know
what that means.

89
00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,936
- Was that a shot?
- Yes, it was.

90
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:02,851
It's not a big deal.

91
00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:05,027
Mom and Richard dated
a long time ago.

92
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:07,638
He was a pilot, she was working
as a flight attendant.

93
00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:10,424
I know what goes on
between pilots and stews.

94
00:04:10,511 --> 00:04:12,861
I've seen more than
my share of pornography.

95
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,819
Ugh.

96
00:04:14,906 --> 00:04:18,997
He's not wrong. It is one
of the more popular storylines.

97
00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:21,739
Which I don't watch.

98
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:24,307
I'll bet at this very minute,
she's helping that jet jockey

99
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,527
into his full
and upright position.

100
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:28,355
Vince, you're talking
about my mother.

101
00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:31,314
You're right. Not for your ears.

102
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:34,752
Her mother's
a sexual volcano. Insatiable.

103
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,886
- I can still hear you.
- Apologies.

104
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,327
One time,
we were at the Olive Garden

105
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:46,764
and she took her shoe off
under the table.

106
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,157
Get him out of here.

107
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,724
Vince, let's go grab a beer.

108
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:50,942
And I don't know how she does it

109
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:52,509
but her big toe
and second toe

110
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,555
can form an almost
perfect circle.

111
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:57,514
If I didn't know any better,
I'd swear it was my own hand.

112
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:04,608
I should have locked
Joyce in her closet

113
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:08,525
and then met that guy at
the restaurant, swingin' a rake.

114
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,092
You know,
that's technically kidnapping

115
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:11,398
and assault
with a deadly weapon.

116
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:12,964
Oh, what are you
gonna be tonight?

117
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,053
A cop or a friend?

118
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:17,099
I'm kinda feeling
the need to be both.

119
00:05:17,186 --> 00:05:18,970
Look, when you're in
a relationship you can't just

120
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,146
forbid the other person
from doing stuff.

121
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,887
Otherwise, it's guaranteed
they're gonna do it.

122
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,062
That's just human nature.

123
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:25,760
What the hell
are you talking about?

124
00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:28,153
Threats and ultimatums
are the glue of love.

125
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,112
Without it, we're no better
than animals.

126
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,856
In my experience, you have
to have give and take.

127
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:36,901
Like this whole honeymoon
thing with me and Molly.

128
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:38,903
She wants to go to Paris
and I don't.

129
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:41,558
What do you got against Paris?
It's beautiful.

130
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:43,604
Plus, if you can stomach
pit hair on chicks

131
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,562
you can see
free boobs on TV.

132
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,349
You should be a travel agent.

133
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,787
But I'm still not gonna
risk my life flying

134
00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:55,050
half way across the world
just to see free boobs.

135
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,965
That's where you and I differ.

136
00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:59,620
I'd fly to Bangladesh
to see a pair of knockers.

137
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,363
So what's the problem?
You afraid of flying?

138
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,453
No, but when I'm traveling I
like knowing if there's trouble

139
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,759
I can jump out of a window
without plummeting to my death.

140
00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:11,632
Can you imagine
the size crater you'd make?

141
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,764
Tourists could ride mules
to the bottom.

142
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:21,729
What I'm saying is,
I can't just say to Molly

143
00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:23,208
we're not going to Paris

144
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:26,429
because then we'd definitely
be going to Paris.

145
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:29,606
So you're telling me if I don't
want Joyce to bang that guy

146
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:32,435
I should say,
hey, Joyce, go bang that guy.

147
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:36,352
No, that's not even close
to what I'm saying.

148
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,963
Then make your point and stop
dancing around the subject

149
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:40,922
like some kind of woman.

150
00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:44,665
Look, if you really care
about Joyce

151
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:46,362
maybe try using
a gentler approach.

152
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,320
Less shouting, more listening.

153
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,670
You mean, like..

154
00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:53,456
"Joyce, love of my life,
answer to my prayers

155
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:56,241
"if I find out
you're banging that flyboy

156
00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,243
I'll kill all three of us."

157
00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:03,161
You know, I think this is why
we don't hang out more.

158
00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:11,735
So did you and Mike figure out
a honeymoon spot yet?

159
00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:14,259
Well, I'm still hoping
for a pied-a-terre in Paris

160
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:18,176
but he's still pushing for
a pop up camper in the backyard.

161
00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:19,656
I would say try
and meet in the middle

162
00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:22,877
but I can't imagine
where that would be.

163
00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:24,966
I'm starting to think
he's not too keen on flying.

164
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:27,795
Every time I bring it up,
he turns all pale and clammy.

165
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:31,451
He gets the same way when I ask
who ate all my Chips Ahoy.

166
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:34,018
Yeah, pale and clammy
is kind of his tell.

167
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:36,630
- Mine's whistling.
- You are a nervous whistler.

168
00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:41,809
Hey, what if you cured his fear
of flying with hypnosis?

169
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:43,375
And while he's under

170
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,595
tell him my cookies
are actually rattlesnakes.

171
00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:53,168
Hey. There she is. And home by
10:30. How was your date?

172
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,126
What are you talking about?
It wasn't a date!

173
00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:58,478
- It was dinner. Nothing more.
- Sorry.

174
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,523
You know, every time you go out
to dinner, is it a date?

175
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,612
Yes, but not with every date
do I get dinner.

176
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,790
Yeah, well,
this was just dinner.

177
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,358
We ate, we caught up,
I got the hell out of there.

178
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:11,142
Okay, fine.

179
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,970
Why don't you worry
about your own lives?

180
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:15,538
God, two grown women
with nothing better to do

181
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:18,628
than gossip about their mother
while sucking down her wine!

182
00:08:20,369 --> 00:08:22,197
Wow, what's up with her?

183
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:23,720
Hard to say.

184
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:24,895
Having dinner
with an old boyfriend

185
00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:27,463
can be very emotional.

186
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:29,813
Especially when they slide
an STD pamphlet

187
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,772
across the table.

188
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,731
[instrumental music]

189
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:39,997
- Morning.
- Morning, sweetheart.

190
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,608
You want some breakfast?

191
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,348
No. I don't wanna
put you out.

192
00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:46,003
Besides, I'm pretty sure
those are your eggs.

193
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:48,136
Oh, that.

194
00:08:48,223 --> 00:08:51,400
Well, you know, how nasty
I get when I drink rum.

195
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:54,011
I'm like a pirate that way.

196
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:56,274
Except louder, meaner,
and no parrot.

197
00:08:58,799 --> 00:09:01,410
I apologize.

198
00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:03,368
Now, let mommy
make you an omelet?

199
00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:07,068
- Thanks.
- You're welcome, sweetheart.

200
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:12,552
Look, I'm not trying
to pry or anything

201
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:15,380
but did everything go alright
with you and Richard last night?

202
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:17,687
What are you implying?

203
00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:19,341
Nothing, I'm just
worried about you.

204
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,865
When the hell are you gonna get
your own house, anyway?

205
00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:25,782
I think I'll pass
on the omelet, Red Beard.

206
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,697
Excuse me while
I go answer yourdoor.

207
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:31,005
Yeah, damn right it's my door.
And it's my toilet!

208
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:34,443
Tell your boyfriend other people
in this house have to poop too!

209
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:40,231
Hey, Vince.

210
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,277
Please excuse
my showing up unannounced.

211
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:43,887
I just wanted
to stop by and give

212
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,367
these flowers to your mother.

213
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:46,890
I'll make sure she gets them.

214
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:49,589
I got a friend in Little Armenia
who gives me a deal.

215
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:52,548
That's why they smell like
grilled lamb and Drakkar Noir.

216
00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:57,118
What are you doing here?
Come to check up on me?

217
00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:59,163
Golly, no.

218
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:00,948
I suppose you wanna know
what time I got home.

219
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:03,428
No, I do not.
I trust you implicitly.

220
00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:05,561
- 3:00 a.m.
- What are you talking about?

221
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,432
Your car pulled
in the driveway at 10:30

222
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:10,392
and you were
lights out by 11:15.

223
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:12,960
- You were spyin' on me?
- No!

224
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:15,658
I gave the old lady across
the street 20 bucks to do it.

225
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:18,400
She's got her own
night-vision goggles.

226
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:20,620
I can't live like this!

227
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,187
If this ring
is a tracking device

228
00:10:23,274 --> 00:10:24,624
then I don't want it!

229
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:26,451
- Mom.
- What's going on?

230
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:30,194
Oh, everybody needs an update.
Here's the headline.

231
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:32,936
I'm giving this sneaky little
weasel his walking papers!

232
00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:34,590
Mom, what has gotten into you?

233
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:37,245
Nobody's gotten into me!

234
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:41,728
Now, if Officer Cop-a-squat
is done warming my toilet seat

235
00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:44,731
I'd like to take a shower
and get on with my new life!

236
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:47,777
I lit a candle.

237
00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:59,920
[Joyce]
'Hey, you snoopy old witch!
You wanna spy on me?'

238
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,878
'Spy on this!'

239
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:06,404
God, I hope it's
just her ass.

240
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:08,842
I hate to say it,
but if this behavior continues

241
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,931
we should really consider
putting mom in a nursing home.

242
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,933
Victoria.

243
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:15,805
I'm talking about a nice one,
with activities and a pool.

244
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:17,328
That way, when we visit her
in the summer

245
00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:19,591
we can lay out and tan.

246
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,811
Actually, I was thinking we
could just take her out tonight

247
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:23,944
have a few drinks,
see what's going on.

248
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:27,730
Smart, get her drunk so she'll
sign the power of attorney

249
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:30,602
papers and climb to the back of
the senior shuttle on her own.

250
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:35,259
- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.

251
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:39,089
Your mom and Vince
make up yet?

252
00:11:39,176 --> 00:11:41,048
No, she called him
and told him to come and pick up

253
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:44,268
his kimono and boner pills.

254
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,750
Ugh, you see that combination
coming down the stairs one time

255
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:50,187
you'll be seeing it
in your dreams.

256
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:52,537
Again, thanks
for covering my eyes.

257
00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:56,803
It's too bad he and your mom
can't work this out.

258
00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:58,500
Well, communication's the key.

259
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:00,589
That's the only way
a relationship can survive.

260
00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:02,460
Couldn't have
put it better myself.

261
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,506
You know, if there's ever
anything bothering you

262
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,421
you can always tell me.

263
00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:09,511
Insecurities, phobias, whatever.

264
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,252
Good to know.

265
00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:13,820
I'm only asking 'cause I'm
starting to think the idea

266
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,518
of flying somewhere on
our honeymoon is spooking you.

267
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:18,955
Spooking me?
I'm a Chicago police officer.

268
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:22,480
We're known far and wide
as the unspookables.

269
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:23,655
- Where you going?
- I'm gonna lay down.

270
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,961
I'm feeling a little woozy.

271
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:31,402
I don't think
you're going to Paris.

272
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:33,622
Not unless I can get
big clammy in a kayak.

273
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:49,986
This is fun.

274
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:53,033
Three Flynn gals out
for a night on the town.

275
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,904
Why don't we do
this more often?

276
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,688
Because it's cheaper
to get drunk at home

277
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,300
and mom can take
her pants off.

278
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:01,302
Hey, hey,
did you hear that, mom?

279
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,913
Yeah, I heard it.

280
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,829
- Sorry about you and Vince.
- Me too.

281
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,526
- Thanks.
- You doing okay?

282
00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:10,267
Yep.

283
00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:12,704
Just wanna have a quiet drink
and not talk about it.

284
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,054
Fine by me.

285
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,625
So here's a funny thing.

286
00:13:20,712 --> 00:13:23,106
Uh, Mike, the big lug

287
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,805
is completely panic-stricken
to get on an airplane.

288
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:29,373
- Oh, my God, what have I done?
- Mom, it's okay.

289
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:33,421
- I'm a terrible person!
- No, you're not.

290
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:36,467
Being engaged to one guy
and sleeping with another guy

291
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,295
doesn't make you
a terrible person

292
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:41,864
it just makes you
a slutty person.

293
00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,344
What are you talkin' about?

294
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:46,651
I...I didn't sleep with Richard.

295
00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:49,611
He wanted me to,
but I told him I was engaged.

296
00:13:49,698 --> 00:13:53,180
- So wait, nothing happened?
- I kissed him, okay?

297
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,398
[gasps]

298
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:55,791
On the winky?

299
00:13:57,575 --> 00:14:00,796
What? No, not on the winky!

300
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,842
What kind of woman do you think
your mother is?

301
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,714
Sorry, I just assumed
it was hereditary.

302
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:13,026
So that's it?
Just a kiss? Nothing else?

303
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:15,680
Okay. You want all
the dirty details?

304
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,639
- Absolutely.
- Sure.

305
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:22,035
We kissed,
there was a little tongue

306
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:23,993
and maybe a few seconds

307
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,169
of over the sweater
"Good morning, Tokyo."

308
00:14:28,737 --> 00:14:32,001
I don't know what that is.

309
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:34,786
Old men like to fiddle with
your boobs like it's a radio.

310
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:42,055
That's more disturbing
than cheating.

311
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:44,057
Yeah, I never count
over the sweater.

312
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,711
You never count under the skirt.

313
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,844
Hand, no. Head, yes.

314
00:14:51,281 --> 00:14:53,196
The point is,
I kissed another man

315
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,633
so I got no business
being engaged to Vince.

316
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,766
More to the point,
you stopped kissing another man

317
00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,115
because you're engaged to Vince.

318
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:01,639
Yeah, that makes you
practically Superwoman.

319
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,338
Once I got a fella's tongue
in my mouth, it's on till dawn.

320
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:07,907
I did stop myself, didn't I?

321
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,387
Of course, his comb over
and man girdle

322
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:12,346
helped influence my decision.

323
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:14,217
Well, whatever it takes.

324
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:15,436
But you did the right thing

325
00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:18,221
you should be proud of yourself.

326
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,484
I guess the thing to do now
is to tell Vince.

327
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,138
- Uh, no! No!
- No!

328
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:24,184
You out of your mind?
You take that to your grave.

329
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:27,622
Keep talking crazy like that,
we're gonna put you in a home.

330
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:29,580
A nice one with a pool.

331
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,716
You know, I don't understand
what you're so afraid of.

332
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:37,414
Air travel is the safest form
of transportation.

333
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:40,156
And I don't understand why you
flap your arms and scream like

334
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:41,810
a little girl
when you see a spider

335
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:44,769
the size of a pinto bean.

336
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:47,424
Oh, I love Carl's
itsy bitsy spider dance.

337
00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:51,646
For your information, flapping
your arms and making loud noises

338
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,256
is how you scare
those nasty bastards away.

339
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:55,258
You are thinking
of grizzly bears.

340
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:58,870
Spiders you just flick off
the table or casually step on.

341
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,655
That doesn't always work.

342
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:02,178
They'll hide in the crevice
of your shoe crawl up

343
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,093
your pant leg
and lay eggs in your ear.

344
00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:09,446
I'd rather have
a tarantula hotel in my head

345
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:12,710
than be hurled through the air
in chitty chitty, crash crash.

346
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:17,019
My big fear is nuns and clowns.

347
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:19,761
And one time I saw a clown
dressed as a nun.

348
00:16:19,848 --> 00:16:21,719
Nearly soiled my dashiki.

349
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,854
Oh, man, a clown
dressed as a nun?

350
00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,290
That's like a fever dream.

351
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,336
More like a wrong turn
on gay pride day.

352
00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:34,384
And if you add hot pants and
roller skates to that picture

353
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,647
you will sleep with the lights
on for the rest of your life.

354
00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:42,088
Alright, nothing left
to remember me by

355
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,829
but a hair dye stain
on her pillow and enough DNA

356
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:47,223
on the bedspread to clone
an army of Morantos.

357
00:16:49,486 --> 00:16:52,489
Well, uh, best of luck, Vince.

358
00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:54,230
I'm really gonna
miss you around here.

359
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,450
I guess this means I won't
be attending your wedding.

360
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:59,061
But at least one of us
will get to stick

361
00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:01,020
his flag in a Flynn girl.

362
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:04,414
I'm sorry it didn't work out.

363
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:08,157
No more words!
Just hold me, you big bastard!

364
00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:14,120
- Oh, Vince, you're still here.
- On my way out.

365
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,557
And once you spray a little Zout
on the pillowcase

366
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,515
I am but a distant memory.

367
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,562
I got something
I need to tell you

368
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:22,998
and I'm not gonna
feel right until I do.

369
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,000
- Mom.
- What are you doing?

370
00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:26,784
Just being honest with the man.

371
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:28,525
Let me have it.

372
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:32,138
I care about you very much,
and I never wanna hurt you.

373
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,182
Where are you
going with this?

374
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,793
- I got it.
- Okay.

375
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,534
You deserve
to know the truth.

376
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:38,709
And I can't go on
living with this.

377
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,276
- Mom..
- Shh!

378
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,235
Vincent Moranto..

379
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,456
...I want you to come
live with me.

380
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:49,111
[together]
What?

381
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:50,634
We're engaged!

382
00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:53,811
There's absolutely no one else
I'm interested in.

383
00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:55,422
Plus your waterbed
makes me nauseous.

384
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:57,119
Hey, in '88,
that was top of the line.

385
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,903
Cost me 600 bucks.

386
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,296
Yeah, well,
it makes my ass sweat

387
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,603
and it smells like
grilled lamb.

388
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:03,865
Why didn't you tell me
you hated it?

389
00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:05,040
We shouldn't have secrets.

390
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,433
What else aren't
you telling me?

391
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,391
- That's it.
- Nothing. Nothing.

392
00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:12,830
Why don't we go upstairs
and unpack your things.

393
00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:14,789
Whatever you say, my angel.

394
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:17,835
Clean up after you're done.

395
00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,794
I don't like
wakin' up to a mess.

396
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:26,540
You wanna tell me what
really went on with your mom?

397
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:27,932
Yeah, you heard her.

398
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:29,934
She wants him to live here.

399
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:32,111
And we think it's great.

400
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:33,982
- Mm-hmm.
- We do?

401
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:35,984
- Yeah, we do.
- Hmm.

402
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:42,121
[whistling]

403
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:02,097
Listen, I think we need
to talk about our honeymoon.

404
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,620
Okay. What are you thinking?

405
00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:07,189
A dude ranch where
we cook our own cow?

406
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:11,672
No. Although, Wilbur, Wyoming
is a beautiful slice of heaven.

407
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:13,500
Mike, I don't care
where we go.

408
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:16,851
Only thing I care about
is that we're together.

409
00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:21,247
Well, I've heard Paris
is lovely in the springtime.

410
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:25,033
Paris...France?

411
00:19:26,861 --> 00:19:29,124
- You know we can't drive there.
- I know.

412
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:31,909
- It's a pretty long flight.
- I get it.

413
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:34,825
In an airplane.

414
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:38,612
Stop talking about it. I feel
like I got spiders in my ears.

415
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:40,962
Aw, baby, you're the greatest.

416
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:44,879
Kimono boner!

417
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,275
Listen, I'm making
sardines on toast.

418
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:50,319
- Any takers?
- No.

419
00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:51,581
We're good!

420
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:57,848
Maybe we should
keep that Paris money

421
00:19:57,935 --> 00:19:59,894
and start saving
for a place of our own.

422
00:19:59,981 --> 00:20:01,852
Or at least buy
him a longer robe.

423
00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:09,730
[theme music]