[instrumental music]
Chamomile and honey for my lady, beer and Clamato for me.
Thank you. I don't know how you drink that stuff?
Right back at you.
Hey, have you given any thought to what
you like to do for our honeymoon?
Can I have my heart set on intercourse?
Obviously, that's contingent on how much
I drink at the reception.
Oh, no, you'll be putting out, pal.
It's my weeding night, and I planned
on losing my virginity again.
Duly noted.
Now, I know its kind of cliche but I was thinking
honeymooning in Paris could be really romantic.
Paris, France?
No, Mike, Paris, Tennessee.
You jest
but it does have a mini Eiffel Tower
and is home to the world's largest fish fry.
Why did I ever buy you that "Eating Atlas of America"?
It's the best Christmas present I ever got.
It's my bible and my wish book.
And the most dog-eared piece of literature in the bathroom
but I was thinking more of the European Paris.
Springtime, we're sitting at a sidewalk cafe
sipping little cups of chocolate..
Hey, if it's chocolate you're cravin'
we should just go to the belly of the beast.
Hershey, Pennsylvania.
It's an entire city dedicated to the magical cocoa bean.
Very tempting, but, uh..
Paris has history and the amazing museums
and beautiful architecture.
You know what you just described?
Cleveland, Ohio.
They got the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there
and it's shaped like a big guitar.
Good to know.
That's history, architecture and museum combined.
It's the Jell-O 1-2-3 of vacation spots.
All roads really do lead back to food for you, don't they?
I just want to go somewhere special.
Then how about driving to Missouri
and taking an old-timey paddleboat ride
down the mighty Mississippi?
Sure, and when we drop anchor in Saint Louie
maybe we can go get a big old bucket of Ozark puddin'.
How'd you know about Ozark puddin'?
- Ah, I read. - Vince, drop it!
I told you, he's an old friend, and we're having dinner!
Not just any old friend, an old boyfriend!
Ugh, will you explain to this lunkhead that a woman is capable
of being just friends with an old, former lover?
Hey, if it didn't end with name calling and tire slashing
then the embers of desire are still smoldering.
Actually, Vince, I'm friends with almost all my exes.
Yeah, but they were all swishes. How'd you put it, Mike?
Like the front row of a Cher concert?
I never used the word swish, I said pansy.
Mom, who are you meeting, anyway?
- Remember Richard? - Ooh, Richard. Wow.
What does that mean, "Ooh, Richard. Wow?"
Nothing.
I forbid you to go out with "Ooh, Richard. Wow!"
Oh, you forbid me?
Well, that changes everything.
Don't wait up!
Okay, you can go
but I want you back here by 10 o'clock.
And your panties better not be in your purse!
Don't be such an ass!
'You know I never wear panties with this dress.'
Story of my life.
I give a woman my heart, and she says, "No thanks.
Balls, please."
- Mike, say something. - Oh, sure.
Vince, when somebody says the word chocolate
what city springs to mind?
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
She expects me to believe that
some old boyfriend calls her up out of the blue
and just wants to take her to dinner.
Who the hell does that?
Well, Vince, human behavior has changed a lot
since you slithered out of the ocean and lost your tail.
I don't even know what that means.
- Was that a shot? - Yes, it was.
It's not a big deal.
Mom and Richard dated a long time ago.
He was a pilot, she was working as a flight attendant.
I know what goes on between pilots and stews.
I've seen more than my share of pornography.
Ugh.
He's not wrong. It is one of the more popular storylines.
Which I don't watch.
I'll bet at this very minute, she's helping that jet jockey
into his full and upright position.
Vince, you're talking about my mother.
You're right. Not for your ears.
Her mother's a sexual volcano. Insatiable.
- I can still hear you. - Apologies.
One time, we were at the Olive Garden
and she took her shoe off under the table.
Get him out of here.
Vince, let's go grab a beer.
And I don't know how she does it
but her big toe and second toe
can form an almost perfect circle.
If I didn't know any better, I'd swear it was my own hand.
I should have locked Joyce in her closet
and then met that guy at the restaurant, swingin' a rake.
You know, that's technically kidnapping
and assault with a deadly weapon.
Oh, what are you gonna be tonight?
A cop or a friend?
I'm kinda feeling the need to be both.
Look, when you're in a relationship you can't just
forbid the other person from doing stuff.
Otherwise, it's guaranteed they're gonna do it.
That's just human nature.
What the hell are you talking about?
Threats and ultimatums are the glue of love.
Without it, we're no better than animals.
In my experience, you have to have give and take.
Like this whole honeymoon thing with me and Molly.
She wants to go to Paris and I don't.
What do you got against Paris? It's beautiful.
Plus, if you can stomach pit hair on chicks
you can see free boobs on TV.
You should be a travel agent.
But I'm still not gonna risk my life flying
half way across the world just to see free boobs.
That's where you and I differ.
I'd fly to Bangladesh to see a pair of knockers.
So what's the problem? You afraid of flying?
No, but when I'm traveling I like knowing if there's trouble
I can jump out of a window without plummeting to my death.
Can you imagine the size crater you'd make?
Tourists could ride mules to the bottom.
What I'm saying is, I can't just say to Molly
we're not going to Paris
because then we'd definitely be going to Paris.
So you're telling me if I don't want Joyce to bang that guy
I should say, hey, Joyce, go bang that guy.
No, that's not even close to what I'm saying.
Then make your point and stop dancing around the subject
like some kind of woman.
Look, if you really care about Joyce
maybe try using a gentler approach.
Less shouting, more listening.
You mean, like..
"Joyce, love of my life, answer to my prayers
"if I find out you're banging that flyboy
I'll kill all three of us."
You know, I think this is why we don't hang out more.
So did you and Mike figure out a honeymoon spot yet?
Well, I'm still hoping for a pied-a-terre in Paris
but he's still pushing for a pop up camper in the backyard.
I would say try and meet in the middle
but I can't imagine where that would be.
I'm starting to think he's not too keen on flying.
Every time I bring it up, he turns all pale and clammy.
He gets the same way when I ask who ate all my Chips Ahoy.
Yeah, pale and clammy is kind of his tell.
- Mine's whistling. - You are a nervous whistler.
Hey, what if you cured his fear of flying with hypnosis?
And while he's under
tell him my cookies are actually rattlesnakes.
Hey. There she is. And home by 10:30. How was your date?
What are you talking about? It wasn't a date!
- It was dinner. Nothing more. - Sorry.
You know, every time you go out to dinner, is it a date?
Yes, but not with every date do I get dinner.
Yeah, well, this was just dinner.
We ate, we caught up, I got the hell out of there.
Okay, fine.
Why don't you worry about your own lives?
God, two grown women with nothing better to do
than gossip about their mother while sucking down her wine!
Wow, what's up with her?
Hard to say.
Having dinner with an old boyfriend
can be very emotional.
Especially when they slide an STD pamphlet
across the table.
[instrumental music]
- Morning. - Morning, sweetheart.
You want some breakfast?
No. I don't wanna put you out.
Besides, I'm pretty sure those are your eggs.
Oh, that.
Well, you know, how nasty I get when I drink rum.
I'm like a pirate that way.
Except louder, meaner, and no parrot.
I apologize.
Now, let mommy make you an omelet?
- Thanks. - You're welcome, sweetheart.
Look, I'm not trying to pry or anything
but did everything go alright with you and Richard last night?
What are you implying?
Nothing, I'm just worried about you.
When the hell are you gonna get your own house, anyway?
I think I'll pass on the omelet, Red Beard.
Excuse me while I go answer yourdoor.
Yeah, damn right it's my door. And it's my toilet!
Tell your boyfriend other people in this house have to poop too!
Hey, Vince.
Please excuse my showing up unannounced.
I just wanted to stop by and give
these flowers to your mother.
I'll make sure she gets them.
I got a friend in Little Armenia who gives me a deal.
That's why they smell like grilled lamb and Drakkar Noir.
What are you doing here? Come to check up on me?
Golly, no.
I suppose you wanna know what time I got home.
No, I do not. I trust you implicitly.
- 3:00 a.m. - What are you talking about?
Your car pulled in the driveway at 10:30
and you were lights out by 11:15.
- You were spyin' on me? - No!
I gave the old lady across the street 20 bucks to do it.
She's got her own night-vision goggles.
I can't live like this!
If this ring is a tracking device
then I don't want it!
- Mom. - What's going on?
Oh, everybody needs an update. Here's the headline.
I'm giving this sneaky little weasel his walking papers!
Mom, what has gotten into you?
Nobody's gotten into me!
Now, if Officer Cop-a-squat is done warming my toilet seat
I'd like to take a shower and get on with my new life!
I lit a candle.
[Joyce] 'Hey, you snoopy old witch! You wanna spy on me?'
'Spy on this!'
God, I hope it's just her ass.
I hate to say it, but if this behavior continues
we should really consider putting mom in a nursing home.
Victoria.
I'm talking about a nice one, with activities and a pool.
That way, when we visit her in the summer
we can lay out and tan.
Actually, I was thinking we could just take her out tonight
have a few drinks, see what's going on.
Smart, get her drunk so she'll sign the power of attorney
papers and climb to the back of the senior shuttle on her own.
- Hey. - Hey, sweetie.
Your mom and Vince make up yet?
No, she called him and told him to come and pick up
his kimono and boner pills.
Ugh, you see that combination coming down the stairs one time
you'll be seeing it in your dreams.
Again, thanks for covering my eyes.
It's too bad he and your mom can't work this out.
Well, communication's the key.
That's the only way a relationship can survive.
Couldn't have put it better myself.
You know, if there's ever anything bothering you
you can always tell me.
Insecurities, phobias, whatever.
Good to know.
I'm only asking 'cause I'm starting to think the idea
of flying somewhere on our honeymoon is spooking you.
Spooking me? I'm a Chicago police officer.
We're known far and wide as the unspookables.
- Where you going? - I'm gonna lay down.
I'm feeling a little woozy.
I don't think you're going to Paris.
Not unless I can get big clammy in a kayak.
This is fun.
Three Flynn gals out for a night on the town.
Why don't we do this more often?
Because it's cheaper to get drunk at home
and mom can take her pants off.
Hey, hey, did you hear that, mom?
Yeah, I heard it.
- Sorry about you and Vince. - Me too.
- Thanks. - You doing okay?
Yep.
Just wanna have a quiet drink and not talk about it.
Fine by me.
So here's a funny thing.
Uh, Mike, the big lug
is completely panic-stricken to get on an airplane.
- Oh, my God, what have I done? - Mom, it's okay.
- I'm a terrible person! - No, you're not.
Being engaged to one guy and sleeping with another guy
doesn't make you a terrible person
it just makes you a slutty person.
What are you talkin' about?
I...I didn't sleep with Richard.
He wanted me to, but I told him I was engaged.
- So wait, nothing happened? - I kissed him, okay?
[gasps]
On the winky?
What? No, not on the winky!
What kind of woman do you think your mother is?
Sorry, I just assumed it was hereditary.
So that's it? Just a kiss? Nothing else?
Okay. You want all the dirty details?
- Absolutely. - Sure.
We kissed, there was a little tongue
and maybe a few seconds
of over the sweater "Good morning, Tokyo."
I don't know what that is.
Old men like to fiddle with your boobs like it's a radio.
That's more disturbing than cheating.
Yeah, I never count over the sweater.
You never count under the skirt.
Hand, no. Head, yes.
The point is, I kissed another man
so I got no business being engaged to Vince.
More to the point, you stopped kissing another man
because you're engaged to Vince.
Yeah, that makes you practically Superwoman.
Once I got a fella's tongue in my mouth, it's on till dawn.
I did stop myself, didn't I?
Of course, his comb over and man girdle
helped influence my decision.
Well, whatever it takes.
But you did the right thing
you should be proud of yourself.
I guess the thing to do now is to tell Vince.
- Uh, no! No! - No!
You out of your mind? You take that to your grave.
Keep talking crazy like that, we're gonna put you in a home.
A nice one with a pool.
You know, I don't understand what you're so afraid of.
Air travel is the safest form of transportation.
And I don't understand why you flap your arms and scream like
a little girl when you see a spider
the size of a pinto bean.
Oh, I love Carl's itsy bitsy spider dance.
For your information, flapping your arms and making loud noises
is how you scare those nasty bastards away.
You are thinking of grizzly bears.
Spiders you just flick off the table or casually step on.
That doesn't always work.
They'll hide in the crevice of your shoe crawl up
your pant leg and lay eggs in your ear.
I'd rather have a tarantula hotel in my head
than be hurled through the air in chitty chitty, crash crash.
My big fear is nuns and clowns.
And one time I saw a clown dressed as a nun.
Nearly soiled my dashiki.
Oh, man, a clown dressed as a nun?
That's like a fever dream.
More like a wrong turn on gay pride day.
And if you add hot pants and roller skates to that picture
you will sleep with the lights on for the rest of your life.
Alright, nothing left to remember me by
but a hair dye stain on her pillow and enough DNA
on the bedspread to clone an army of Morantos.
Well, uh, best of luck, Vince.
I'm really gonna miss you around here.
I guess this means I won't be attending your wedding.
But at least one of us will get to stick
his flag in a Flynn girl.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
No more words! Just hold me, you big bastard!
- Oh, Vince, you're still here. - On my way out.
And once you spray a little Zout on the pillowcase
I am but a distant memory.
I got something I need to tell you
and I'm not gonna feel right until I do.
- Mom. - What are you doing?
Just being honest with the man.
Let me have it.
I care about you very much, and I never wanna hurt you.
Where are you going with this?
- I got it. - Okay.
You deserve to know the truth.
And I can't go on living with this.
- Mom.. - Shh!
Vincent Moranto..
...I want you to come live with me.
[together] What?
We're engaged!
There's absolutely no one else I'm interested in.
Plus your waterbed makes me nauseous.
Hey, in '88, that was top of the line.
Cost me 600 bucks.
Yeah, well, it makes my ass sweat
and it smells like grilled lamb.
Why didn't you tell me you hated it?
We shouldn't have secrets.
What else aren't you telling me?
- That's it. - Nothing. Nothing.
Why don't we go upstairs and unpack your things.
Whatever you say, my angel.
Clean up after you're done.
I don't like wakin' up to a mess.
You wanna tell me what really went on with your mom?
Yeah, you heard her.
She wants him to live here.
And we think it's great.
- Mm-hmm. - We do?
- Yeah, we do. - Hmm.
[whistling]
Listen, I think we need to talk about our honeymoon.
Okay. What are you thinking?
A dude ranch where we cook our own cow?
No. Although, Wilbur, Wyoming is a beautiful slice of heaven.
Mike, I don't care where we go.
Only thing I care about is that we're together.
Well, I've heard Paris is lovely in the springtime.
Paris...France?
- You know we can't drive there. - I know.
- It's a pretty long flight. - I get it.
In an airplane.
Stop talking about it. I feel like I got spiders in my ears.
Aw, baby, you're the greatest.
Kimono boner!
Listen, I'm making sardines on toast.
- Any takers? - No.
We're good!
Maybe we should keep that Paris money
and start saving for a place of our own.
Or at least buy him a longer robe.
[theme music]