[instrumental music]
Tomorrow night, I'm showing up at Christina's house
with a dozen red roses
and a box of fine Belgian chocolates.
My lady don't care for no American chocolate.
I can relate, I'm the same way with Taffy.
After I went to Atlantic City
I became a bit of a Taffy snob.
What are you talking about?
I've seen you eat plenty of crappy Taffy.
Yeah, but I don't enjoy it.
Anyway, after that, I'm taking her out to dinner.
Five courses, each paired with its own special wine
hand-picked by the in-house sommelier.
That's French for "picker of the wine."
Wow, sounds like you're really going all out.
Hey, it's our first Valentine's Day together.
Can't just drive through a Taco Bell
or take her bowling.
No, I get it.
I went through the same thing last year, man.
Candy, jewelry, carriage ride.
Boy, I'm glad all that romantic crap
is behind me.
You're at least gonna take her out
for dinner though aren't you?
She said she didn't wanna do anything.
No woman wants to cook on Valentine's Day.
And every restaurant is booked solid..
...well, unless it's got a guy out front
dressed as a hoagie, and spinnin' an arrow.
She said not to make a big deal out of it.
I'm just following orders.
Mm. That's what they said at Custer's last stand
right before they got their dumb white asses tomahawked.
No, Molly's not like that.
When she wants somethin', she tells me
sometimes two or three times, until it really sinks in.
Yeah, let me explain this to you in a way you might understand.
You know how when I go to get a milk shake
and I ask you if you want one, and you say no?
Uh-huh.
Well, if I listen to you
and I don't come back with your own milk shake
you get all pouty and mad.
Oh, we've been together a long time
and I don't think I should have to ask.
And that's why I always buy two milk shakes.
Otherwise, I'm gonna have to get another straw
and share mine with you
and that's a race I cannot win.
Egg whites with wheat toast.
Denver omelet with hash browns.
Oh, hash browns.
And that's why Carl ordered the second plate.
Now, let me ask you
how would you feel right now
if I didn't order you those hash browns?
Uh-oh.
In 24 hours, you and I are gonna be screwed
in two completely different ways.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[Joyce] 'Okay, then how about somethin' like this?'
I'm dressed as Venus, the Goddess of love
and you're suspended over me
like a bare-assed little Cupid.
Look, I'll play along with this Valentine boudoir shot
but I'm not dropping trou.
What are you worried about?
It's just a sexy little keepsake for the two of us.
These things always end up on the Internet
and I don't want my precious mother
to accidentally Google my schvantz.
Come on, how would that ever happen?
Easy, that old lady's on the computer all day
googling schwantzs.
Eventually, my number will pop up.
You know what, I'm rethinking the turkey franks.
Hey, everybody.
- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure, by the way, you're not hanging
your nudie pics in the house.
Of course not.
We can still get the T-shirts
and coffee mugs.
What's up?
I just wanna make sure we're still on the same page
with Valentine's Day.
Now, you said to me, and I quote
"Don't make a big deal of it."
And I meant it. You went all out last year.
Plus we're saving for a wedding.
Let's just go low-key.
Ah, good. I was just double-checking.
Seriously. No bouquets, no baubles.
You got it.
Just, a, you know, a simple
simple dinner out.
Right.
Out of the house?
Of course, I mean, I can't have my lady
cooking on Valentine's Day.
No, you cannot.
And don't go too expensive, just somewhere where
you know, the spoon and the fork are two separate things.
Of course, I mean, what was I gonna do
take you to Taco Bell and bowling?
You wouldn't like that.
[chuckles]
Would you?
No, I would not. I'd kill you.
Yeah.
[instrumental music]
Last night, I'm trying to watch TV
and grandma walks in front of me like, half a dozen times
carrying my laundry back and forth.
And you know how slow she walks.
I missed half the game.
It's a testament to your character
that you're so patient with her.
What can I do? She's an old woman.
And she can't even shovel the driveway without me
showin' her where she missed a spot.
She's lucky to have you, Carl.
You're a good grandson. But why wouldn't you be?
You're a great cop and a wonderful friend.
- What's going on with you? - What do you mean?
Now, you've been shamelessly kissin' my ass all morning.
I'm just calling 'em like I see 'em.
Uh-huh, then how come you never seen 'em this way
in all these years I've known you?
Jealousy.
You're a handsome man and it can be intimidating.
Oh, no, something smells rotten in here
and it's not just your feet and pits.
Alright.
Molly wants to go out to dinner tonight
and every nice place is booked.
See, I told you this would happen.
I know, you were right! You're always right!
You're the smartest guy I know.
- Wise and generous.. - Oh, no.
No. I see where you're going with this.
You're trying to piggyback
on my plans with Christina.
Come on, you already got a table.
Just scooch in and add a couple of more chairs.
I ain't scooching in anywhere.
You better grab your bowling ball
and make a run for the border.
Come on, Carl!
You're not horning in on my night.
Besides, it's too late to change the reservation
even if I wanted to.
Not according to the maitre d'.
[gasps] You called the restaurant?
No, I drove over there last night, and slipped him a 50
wrapped in a clergy parking pass.
- You sneaky bastard! - You know how I am!
You should've seen this coming
and made it a table for four in the first place.
You got no one to blame but yourself.
Get your straw out of my milk shake!
[instrumental music]
Thanks for doing this, Harry.
Mike's been hinting around for one of these
universal remotes for a long time.
He's gonna love this gadget.
I can program it to control the TV, DVD player
lights and ceiling fan.
Geez, if it came with a set of boobs
Mike wouldn't need me.
If it came with a set of boobs
I'd still be out in my car right now.
Hey, Moll. Hi, Mike.
That's not Mike.
Oh.
I'm sorry, I just saw a chubby hand holding a remote.
Victoria.
Uh...listen, I've gotta get ready.
Are you gonna be okay here?
Oh, absolutely. I'm on the case.
Soon Mike will have the world of entertainment
at his fingertips.
Thanks for helping me make this
a special Valentine's for him.
Yeah, anything I can do to help blow wind
in the sails of love.
Sweet kid.
Are you talking to me?
No.
[Carl] 'Come on, man! You're gonna make us late.'
Well, all the flowers left are crap!
You should've thought about this a month ago
when she told you she didn't want you to do anything.
What about your flowers?
Why can't you just split 'em with me?
Man, I'm not giving my girlfriend
a half a dozen red roses, I'll look stupid.
Hey, I'll do it, too, then we'll both look stupid.
It'll be like a funny bit.
Two guys splitting a dozen roses!
That's not funny at all!
Alright, how about this?
I will pay you $20 cash money
for one red rose.
Oh, I see, one red rose so you come off
as simple and elegant, and I'm the jackass
handing my girlfriend 11 flowers!
Why are you making this harder than it is?
I mean, if she's a flower counter
maybe she's not the gal for you, anyway.
Fine!
After all the favors I've done for you
you can't help me out this one time?
One time?
Are you forgettin' last Tuesday
when you split your pants and then asked me
to color your underwear with a black Sharpie?
I didn't ask you to do that.
Well, somebody must have, 'cause I sure as hell didn't
volunteer for crack detail!
Man, add some baby's breath to it.
- Pull that thing together. - I got this!
[instrumental music]
That sunflower was a smart choice.
And after it dies, you can snack on the seeds.
You saw what I had to work with.
But I still think you should've added a Mylar balloon to it.
Nah, that would've looked stupid.
Besides, all they had left was "Bar Mitzvah Boy"
and "Lordy, Lordy look who's forty."
We still have enough time to put on
our nice clothes and head over to the restaurant.
Hey, you didn't happen to bring an extra tie, did you?
What's wrong with the one you got on?
I don't think a guy's suppose to wear a black tie
with a brown suit.
I don't think a guy's suppose to wear brown suit.
Officers, there's a man up on that ledge.
I think he's gonna jump.
Oh, perfect.
Are you happy?
Apparently happier than him.
[instrumental music]
Good evening.
I'm officer Michael Biggs. Call me Mike.
- What's your name, pal? - What does it matter?
I'm just another faceless cipher that nobody cares about.
Hey, I'm here, aren't I?
Now, why don't you come on inside
and we'll talk about whatever's buggin' you.
She broke my heart, tossed me aside like garbage.
Little lady trouble, huh?
Been there.
How's it goin' out here?
Everything's good.
We're talkin', not jumpin', right?
How come there's no news vans and helicopters?
This is Valentine's Day.
The city is filled with jilted jumpers.
You're lucky you got your own ledge.
You hear that?
You're not the only fella in town
with a little case of the "boo-hoos."
Apparently there's some guy on the Michigan Avenue Bridge
dressed in a Batman suit.
That must be gettin' a lot of airplay.
It's on every channel.
Hey, let's face it, you can't compete
with Batman on a bridge.
Now, why don't you come inside?
Yeah, and if you still feel like jumping
do it on a slow news day.
You know, dressed as an Angry Bird or Bozo.
Oh, my God. You guys suck at this.
Sorry, it's been kind of a crazy day for us.
I'm standin' on a ledge.
Absolutely. You win.
Worst day of anybody.
Better call the girls and tell 'em
we're runnin' a little late.
Yeah.
By the way, did you see he's got
a dozen roses layin' on the bed?
I did. They're beautiful.
Yeah, so whichever way this plays out
see I don't think he's gonna be needing those flowers.
[instrumental music]
Aright, well, get here as quick as you can.
I am not sayin' that.
Fine.
Carl, you're my dark chocolate tree.
Now, just get here.
Everything okay?
Yeah, some emergency at work.
So, they're runnin' a little late.
Carl said we should order the drinks and appetizers, so..
Hm. Done and done.
It's a swanky joint, isn't it?
Mike must have charmed somebody to get us this good table.
Andto get them to turn a two-top
into a four-top at the last minute.
Last minute? No.
Mike said he and Carl set this up
over a month ago.
Yeah, they did.
[groans]
Mike piggybacked on your romantic night, didn't he?
Not at all.
We are happy to share the reservation
with you guys.
I should've known.
When I brought up dinner
he got that look he always gets
when he's caught in a lie
or he's tryin' to sneak by me
with a plunger behind his back.
It's no big deal.
The four of us can enjoy a meal together.
It's not like Carl and I are plannin'
on makin' out at the table.
No matter what he thinks.
You're very sweet, but I-I just don't feel right about..
You know what? I'm just-I'm just gonna go.
What? And leave me alone here on Valentine's Day?
At least have a drink before the guys get here.
Well..
...maybe one drink.
But when Mike does show up
we're gonna let you guys have your night
and I'll tear him a new one on the way home.
Sounds like a plan. Champagne?
Ooh, yeah. I yell better when I'm drunk.
[instrumental music]
It's gonna take me a few more minutes to finish
so if you need to leave for your date
I can let myself out.
And don't worry, I won't do anything weird
like, sift through your laundry basket or lay in your bed.
No worries. I'm stayin' in tonight.
Ironic, huh?
You're sexy and beautiful and I'm awkward and dumpy
yet we're both floating in the same lonely boat.
Mm-hm.
Did you say you were almost done?
Right, right.
It is gonna be weird
spendin' Valentine's Day by myself though.
I've actually never done it before.
Oh, it's a piece of cake..
...and six or seven donuts and usually a pint of ice cream.
That sounds cozy.
Just stayin' home and veggin' out.
Oh you gotta make it fun.
Otherwise, you'll blow your brains out.
Why don't you grab some ice cream
and I'll find a romantic comedy.
Two spoons?
Better not. I'm still on my diet.
But would it be too weird if I watched you eat it?
A little weird.
But this whole conversation is weird.
Perhaps a little ambience
will increase my rather bleak odds.
[soft music]
You're really gonna make me go out on that ledge?
You know I can't stand heights.
Hey, I do all the drivin' and all the foot chases.
Least you can do is climb out on an icy ledge
and bring that nut job inside.
I heard that.
Just hug the building, you'll be fine.
Get lost, get lost.
Oh, God. Don't look down, don't look down.
Okay, I'm gonna sit. Carl, I'm gonna sit.
[Carl] 'I got you man. You're tied to the radiator.'
What's the radiator tied to?
Watch it!
Just lashin' out.
I get it.
You're a decent guy.
If that woman doesn't appreciate you
then she doesn't deserve you.
Everything was going so well.
Then she stopped returning my calls
then she changed her number
then her boyfriend made her get a restraining order.
Well, gals are fickle.
And I know things seem really bleak right now
but the right woman can come along
when you least expect it.
That's what happened to me.
You got a girlfriend?
Why you acting so surprised?
I didn't mean anything by it.
Boy, you're sensitive.
The girls said the entreecame.
Osso bucco with pumpkin ravioli.
Here I am eating cold French fries
of a room service tray.
You didn't charge that to my room, did you?
Is that what you choose to focus on now?
Carl, take it easy.
It's his first Valentine's Day with a girlfriend.
He's got a girlfriend, too?
Exactly.
The two of us didn't give up, neither should you.
Why don't you come inside and we'll talk.
I'm not comin' inside until she sees me on TV
and falls in love with me all over again.
I wouldn't use the word "falls."
Man, he ain't gonna jump.
Carl, what are you doin'?
I'm gonna get this fool off the ledge.
- Scooch over! - I'm not scoochin' anywhere.
I'm suction-cupped to this ledge.
Fine! Then I'll climb over you.
Whoa! Oh, God! I got you, I got you.
You go, I go! You go, I go!
You guys are freakin' me out.
Shut up and grab his belt, you nut job!
I got you, buddy.
[violin music]
[clapping] Oh, beautiful. Just gorgeous.
Next time I come back, I expect you to know
"The Devil Went Down To Georgia."
You have got to try this olive oil gelato.
Oh, my God, that's delicious.
I know!
You wouldn't think it would work
but it does.
Boy, Carl did a great job.
I mean, everything is perfect.
You're very lucky woman.
Yeah, well, so are you, girl.
Mike is a wonderful man.
Yeah, I know.
And-and I mean, and I did tell him
you know, not to do anything special tonight.
But I didn't think he'd run with it.
I have to say, this is one of the nicest
Valentine's Days I've ever had.
Me too.
[both laughing]
It's kind of a perfect evening.
I mean, yeah, I, you know
I wish the guys were here.
Sure.
We need somebody to get the cars and the coats.
[laughing]
Hey, ladies, sorry we're late
and we can't stay.
Why? What's going on?
This man saved my life tonight.
Come on, Carl, the girls don't need to hear about my heroics.
Technically, I saved two lives tonight
while valiantly battling my own fear of heights.
Wow. We got gelato.
I'm glad you had a good time.
We need to head over to the station
and fill out some reports.
- These are for you. - Ah.
- Oh - They're beautiful.
And these are for you.
They're lovely.
"Marry me or I'll kill myself."
Straight from the heart.
Everything you do is straight from the heart.
I hope they pin a medal on that big chest.
- Goodnight, ladies. - Goodnight.
- See you at home. - Night.
I'd be happy to drive if you want me to.
Oh, no. I will man the chariot, brave warrior.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
- Do you wanna dance? - I thought you'd never ask.
[instrumental music on TV]
Even though I've seen this movie dozens of times
it never fails to melt this tough exterior.
Thanks for keeping me company tonight.
I really appreciate it.
No problemo.
And by the way, if any of my friends
or perhaps my mother asked me what I did tonight
would you be offended if I told them I had a date?
I wouldn't be offended in the least.
And you're more than welcome to do the same.
Thank you.
I probably won't.
"Breakfast At Tiffany's," I love that movie.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]