1 00:00:03,307 --> 00:00:04,526 Please don't say anything, I don't wanna make 2 00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:05,570 a big deal out of it. 3 00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:07,485 Come on, it'll be fun. 4 00:00:07,572 --> 00:00:10,836 So, Peggy, your little boy's birthday is coming up. 5 00:00:10,923 --> 00:00:13,013 I know when he was born, I was front and center. 6 00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:14,753 Spread-eagled in stirrups 7 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:17,930 screaming, "Get this monster out of me." 8 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:18,975 Didn't I tell you not to bring it up? 9 00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,672 You did. 10 00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:22,544 Thank God it was in the days before video 11 00:00:22,631 --> 00:00:25,851 otherwise we'd still be watching game tapes. 12 00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:27,679 Well, anyway, I think it might be fun 13 00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:29,203 to, to have a little party this year. 14 00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:30,639 We usually go to the IHOP. 15 00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:31,727 He eats for free 16 00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:32,902 and I get the senior discount. 17 00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:35,296 We're in and out for six bucks. 18 00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:38,647 Six fifty if mom's in a tipping mood. 19 00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:41,084 Hey, if I gotta hold my coffee cup in the air 20 00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:43,739 like the statue of liberty every time I need a refill 21 00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:46,611 Rosarita can live off the money she skims from the till. 22 00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:51,007 Besides, we're not really a party-throwing kind of family. 23 00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:52,835 You mean you've never had a birthday party? 24 00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,489 I threw him one when he turned nine 25 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,534 and that is a nightmare, I will not repeat. 26 00:00:56,621 --> 00:00:57,622 Here we go. 27 00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:58,667 Decorated the house 28 00:00:58,754 --> 00:01:00,495 invited all the neighbor kids 29 00:01:00,582 --> 00:01:03,280 even the poor ones with crooked teeth and dirty necks. 30 00:01:04,847 --> 00:01:06,109 The Cateneso twins. 31 00:01:06,196 --> 00:01:08,938 Their dad drank. 32 00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:10,200 So, what happened? 33 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:11,375 Well, the birthday boy 34 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,594 ate three hamburgers 35 00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:13,986 four quarter-hunks of cake 36 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,336 and a plastic Reagan head 37 00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:17,773 full of jelly belly's. 38 00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:19,949 I got overexcited. It was my birthday. 39 00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:22,908 Barf-day is more like it. 40 00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:25,389 He started spraying like a water wiggle full of urp. 41 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:26,956 People were running out of here 42 00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:29,741 like they were on the "Poseidon." 43 00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:31,395 During pin the tail on the donkey 44 00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:32,918 when they blindfolded me and spun me around 45 00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:34,137 it kind of all went south. 46 00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:37,358 It went south, north, east and west. 47 00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:40,665 I've been finding whole jelly beans for years after. 48 00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:42,711 It's like he didn't even chew 'em. 49 00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,757 She gets the picture, ma. 50 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:48,456 I can almost smell it. 51 00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,284 Well, it is the same couch. 52 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,773 Who wants peach cobbler? 53 00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,775 ♪ For the first time ♪ 54 00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:07,170 ♪ In my life ♪ 55 00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:10,347 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 56 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,228 [instrumental music] 57 00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:26,537 Here, this is the woman I've been telling you about. 58 00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:29,714 - She is also from Africa. - That picture ain't Africa. 59 00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:32,500 That's Lincoln park. I recognize the hotdog vendor. 60 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:36,982 Gary. Or Jerry? 61 00:02:37,069 --> 00:02:39,246 She's a beautiful woman, if that is indeed her real picture. 62 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,769 What are you talking about? 63 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,379 'People lie all the time on these dating sites.' 64 00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:44,686 I once tried hooking up with this hot Filipino chick 65 00:02:44,773 --> 00:02:46,949 ended up being a short Guatemalan man named Roberto. 66 00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,214 - Oh, yeah, he was a nice guy. - Mm. 67 00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:54,261 Real sweetheart, bought dinner that night 68 00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:55,958 and taught me how to salsa-dance. 69 00:02:57,438 --> 00:03:00,049 Well, Amira is who she says she is. 70 00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:02,007 We have e-mailed on several occasions 71 00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:04,314 and tonight, we're meeting face-to-face. 72 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:06,186 I hope it works out for you, pal. 73 00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:07,883 Me, too, most of my success stories 74 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,363 came on the international love sites. 75 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,887 Your Russian, Czechoslovakian, Ukrainian. 76 00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:13,976 When they don't speak English, it gives him a two-week head 77 00:03:14,063 --> 00:03:16,718 start before they realize he's full of crap in any language. 78 00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:20,983 Two weeks is more than enough time to do what I need to do 79 00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,376 and a couple of things I thought I wanted to do 80 00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:23,681 but once I did them, I wish I hadn't. 81 00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:27,685 I'm actually hoping for something more substantial 82 00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,209 and long-term. 83 00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,385 A soul mate who appreciates me for who I am. 84 00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:32,908 And I hope that's on your profile page 85 00:03:32,995 --> 00:03:34,170 'cause that's the kind of crap-ski 86 00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,128 that can get a comrade laid-ski. 87 00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:38,392 Never mind him, Samuel. 88 00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:39,697 I'm glad you're being honest 89 00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:41,264 and starting things off on the right foot. 90 00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,787 Thank you, Mike. 91 00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,441 Oh, by the way, may I borrow your car tonight? 92 00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:45,660 What do you need my car for? 93 00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:48,576 I told her I had a car. 94 00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:50,926 It seemed slightly more impressive than telling her 95 00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:53,755 I had four days left on my bus pass. 96 00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:55,670 That's good, but try to keep the lies to a minimum 97 00:03:55,757 --> 00:03:57,106 otherwise, after two weeks, you're gonna have 98 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,673 some angry Ukrainian bitch demanding to see 99 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,457 the rocks you collected on your moon walk. 100 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,461 His mom hasn't thrown him a birthday party 101 00:04:04,548 --> 00:04:05,723 since he was nine? 102 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:08,160 - That's so sad. - Well, you've met her. 103 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,816 She's a...hideous woman. 104 00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:14,210 Guess that explains why he's 35, never been married 105 00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:15,994 and puts his belt on with a boomerang. 106 00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:19,476 So, his weight issues are because 107 00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:20,956 of his relationship with his mother? 108 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,262 What does that say about you and me? 109 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,306 You're big-boned 110 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:26,309 and have a hearty appetite. 111 00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,659 Now pipe down and get mama some more wine. 112 00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:32,881 Okay, mama. 113 00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:35,623 So, are you gonna go ahead and throw him a party? 114 00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:38,321 I'm thinking about it. Maybe a surprise party. 115 00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:41,106 Just have to get typhoid Peggy on board. 116 00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:42,456 I say we do it. 117 00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:44,980 Yeah, let's give that poor, sweet man 118 00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,069 the love and attention he never 119 00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:49,027 got as a fat little boy. 120 00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:52,770 - Hey, everybody. - Hi. 121 00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:53,945 Speak of the devil. 122 00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,860 We were just talking about you. 123 00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:59,124 - 'Oh, really? What about?' - Nothing. 124 00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:02,040 We're just glad you're living here with us. 125 00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,391 And that you're a part of our family. 126 00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:07,568 - Thanks. Appreciate it. - No. 127 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,657 We appreciate you. 128 00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:12,050 Just the way you are. 129 00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:16,838 What's up with this? 130 00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:19,275 They're drunk and they like you. 131 00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:25,194 Oh, okay, well, I like you, too. 132 00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,239 I'll get that, you gals stay here 133 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,068 and maybe think about getting a little food in your stomach. 134 00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:36,118 Alright, if we are gonna throw him a surprise party 135 00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:38,468 we are off to a very poor start. 136 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,432 Sorry, pal, I'm not donating to the Nation of Islam. 137 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,652 I'm sorry I don't meet your fashion standards 138 00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:51,220 Mr. Blackwell. 139 00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:52,569 I'm just kidding. You look swell. 140 00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:54,049 This girl's gonna be very impressed 141 00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,355 especially when you roll up 142 00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,878 in a freshly armor alled 143 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:58,270 Mitsubishi Galant. 144 00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,709 I really appreciate the use of your car. 145 00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,885 Wow, somebody's either got a date 146 00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:05,974 or he's collecting money for the Nation of Islam. 147 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,196 Okay, I'm losing the tie. 148 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:12,241 He met a nice girl online. 149 00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:13,460 I'm letting him borrow my car. 150 00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:14,765 Oh, that's great. 151 00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:15,984 Did you tell him about the brakes? 152 00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,507 I was getting to that. 153 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,204 Uh, just a couple of things you need to know 154 00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,292 about sweet lady Galant. 155 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,903 She can be a bitch. 156 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,123 - I got this. - Okay. 157 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,864 She can be a bitch. 158 00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:27,996 You gotta start pumping the brakes 159 00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,084 about a half a block 160 00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,520 before you get to a stop sign. 161 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,913 Yeah, and if you think you're gonna stop short 162 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,393 keep your hand on the emergency brake 163 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,438 and be prepared to yank that sucker 164 00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,701 like your life depends on it, 'cause it does. 165 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,575 Other than that, have fun. 166 00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,315 Okay, uh, thanks. 167 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,708 I'll have it back to you tomorrow morning. 168 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,841 Not if you park on a hill, you won't. 169 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:54,239 So, what are you doing for your birthday this year? 170 00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:56,633 I guess it's just me and mom at the IHOP. 171 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,418 You're welcome to join us if you want. 172 00:06:58,505 --> 00:06:59,854 Watching you wolf down a Belgian waffle 173 00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,856 with strawberry compote while your mom describes 174 00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:04,249 what a blood bath your birth was? 175 00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,817 No, thank you. 176 00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:10,342 Good morning, my brothers from another mother. 177 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,823 What a glorious day it is. 178 00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:15,391 Wow. Sounds like somebody's date went pretty well, huh? 179 00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:17,741 Amira was more beautiful than her pictures. 180 00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:19,221 It-it was a perfect evening. 181 00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:22,920 Hey, you didn't do it in my car, did you? 182 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:25,053 Well, as much as I wanted to consummate our attraction 183 00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:27,490 on a vinyl car seat covered in Arby's wrappers.. 184 00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,407 ...I chose to wait until we had a proper courtship. 185 00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:35,324 Plus, she wouldn't let me. 186 00:07:35,411 --> 00:07:36,456 So, where'd you take her? 187 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:37,587 We had a five-course dinner 188 00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:38,632 at the Florentine 189 00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,285 and split a bottle of champagne. 190 00:07:40,372 --> 00:07:41,461 And she still wouldn't give it up? 191 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:45,508 Every one of them online Svetlanas was good to go 192 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:48,032 after a roach coach taco and a can of Foster's lager. 193 00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,777 Look, I-I don't wanna pry, Samuel 194 00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,649 but that sounds like a pretty expensive evening 195 00:07:55,736 --> 00:07:58,521 for a man of, shall we say, meager means. 196 00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,567 Uh, what Mike is wondering is how a broke ass-schmuck like you 197 00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:01,742 is paying for all this crap? 198 00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:06,573 I gleaned that on my own, Carl. 199 00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,139 Last night's magic was courtesy 200 00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:11,316 of my now maxed-out discover card. 201 00:08:11,403 --> 00:08:13,188 And how long do you plan on maintaining 202 00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:16,104 this level of costly, sexless courtship? 203 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,454 Well, I was hoping you gentlemen would either loan me the money 204 00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,412 or leave me a 700 percent tip. 205 00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:23,851 Hey, look, I already let you borrow my car 206 00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:25,548 which you still haven't returned, by the way. 207 00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:26,854 That's right. 208 00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:28,899 - Here are the keys. - Thank you. 209 00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:31,336 Amira was very impressed with your car. 210 00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:33,600 The valet at the restaurant, eh, not so much. 211 00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:37,908 Hello, Samuel. 212 00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:39,519 Oh, my goodness, there she is. 213 00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:40,868 I have missed you so much. 214 00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:42,522 I missed you, too. 215 00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:47,004 Wow, I got to get back to Africa and embrace my roots. 216 00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:51,574 Me too. 217 00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:57,275 Amira, these are my friends, Mike and Carl. 218 00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,581 Gentlemen, this is Amira. 219 00:08:58,668 --> 00:08:59,626 - Hi. - Hi, Amira. 220 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:00,975 Nice to meet you. 221 00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,630 Samuel has spoken so highly of both of you. 222 00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:07,459 But he did not mention how handsome and masculine you are. 223 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,027 Guys don't talk that way about other guys. 224 00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:13,770 - Even if it is true. - Especially when it's true. 225 00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:16,120 So to what do I owe this wonderful surprise? 226 00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:19,036 I was just hoping that after you closed up your restaurant 227 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,648 we could go for a drive in your Mitsubishi Cadillac. 228 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,653 I would love that. 229 00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:33,747 Oh, right. Thanks for loaning me your Cadillac. 230 00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:37,141 Did you remember to put gas back in it? 231 00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:38,186 Sadly, no. 232 00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,538 Here's 20 to cover it. 233 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,235 It's a big tank. 234 00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,591 Glad I didn't borrow Samuel's car. 235 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,905 And believe it or not, I got Mike's mom to agree 236 00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,080 to a party at her place. 237 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,821 Wow, how'd you do that? 238 00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:06,910 I agreed to clean up his cake vomit. 239 00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:11,045 That's fair. 240 00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:13,221 And when he comes to pick her up to go to IHOP-- 241 00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:15,092 - Surprise! - Shh. 242 00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:19,575 Surprise. 243 00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:22,056 So, what do we do when he comes down for breakfast? 244 00:10:22,143 --> 00:10:23,840 Pretend we forgot it's his birthday? 245 00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:26,016 No. No, no, classic mistake. 246 00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:27,888 Acknowledge it the way you normally would 247 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:30,368 but don't go overboard. It'll make him suspicious. 248 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:32,457 Kind of like when you get pulled over by the cops 249 00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:34,459 when you're high on weed. 250 00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:39,682 You wanna act straight.. 251 00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:41,162 ...but not too straight. 252 00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:44,818 I never thought I would say this 253 00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:47,168 but you-you are absolutely right. 254 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,259 - Morning, ladies. - Hey, sweetie. 255 00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:53,217 Happy Birthday. 256 00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:54,958 That's right, it is my birthday. 257 00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:57,352 Congratulations, officer. 258 00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:59,963 And I realize you're just doing your job. 259 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,492 Well, I'm not treating you different today 260 00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:08,711 than I do any other day. 261 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:11,105 Okey-dokey, senorchunko? 262 00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:16,240 Mom, Victoria, quit being so weird. 263 00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:17,589 They're-they're so weird. 264 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,461 You'd better get out of here. 265 00:11:19,548 --> 00:11:21,332 And get away, g-get out of here. 266 00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:23,987 Get away from these weirdos. 267 00:11:24,074 --> 00:11:26,076 Happy Birthday! 268 00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:28,644 Lucky for you two, he is a very simple man. 269 00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:36,304 Something's up. Those women are acting freakier than usual. 270 00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:39,220 I think it's got something to do with my birthday. 271 00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:40,830 Is today your birthday? 272 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,440 Oh, how did that sneak up on me? 273 00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,399 - Happy Birthday. - Thanks. 274 00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:46,531 Hey, after work, what do you say you and I go grab 275 00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:48,142 a couple of beers, maybe shoot a game of pool? 276 00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,447 No, you can't, you got to be at your mom's 277 00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,145 between 6:00 and 6:15. 278 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,976 To take her to the IHOP. 279 00:11:56,063 --> 00:11:58,065 For your birthday. 280 00:11:58,152 --> 00:12:00,807 Which I forgot about. 281 00:12:00,894 --> 00:12:03,331 Molly's throwing me a surprise party, isn't she? 282 00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:04,724 And she's going through a lot of trouble, too 283 00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,029 so when you walk in that door 284 00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:07,596 you better act good and surprised! 285 00:12:07,683 --> 00:12:08,902 Ah, this is great, I can't believe 286 00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,773 I'm getting a surprise party! 287 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:14,342 I hope you're gonna do better than that, 'cause that terrible. 288 00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:15,865 What are you talking about? That was real. 289 00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:17,649 Well, your real is totally unbelievable. 290 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,347 I mean, we need you to appear excited, but don't act like 291 00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:22,829 they just called your name on the "Price is Right." 292 00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:25,092 Carl, don't worry about it. I can handle this. 293 00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:27,050 It's like when somebody sets you up with a sure thing. 294 00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:28,573 I mean, you know eventually her clothes are gonna come off 295 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,097 but when they do, you got to act like 296 00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:32,360 "Oh, my goodness, what an unexpected treat." 297 00:12:32,447 --> 00:12:34,579 Otherwise, that poor girl's just gonna feel like a whore. 298 00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:39,193 I get it. Surprised, but not too surprised. 299 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,934 And, look, tonight I need you to keep an eye on me. 300 00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:43,197 Don't let me eat too much or get overexcited. 301 00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:44,546 So my whole night's gonna be spent 302 00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:46,156 keeping cake out of that mouth? 303 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,201 Do I get to wear falcon gloves 304 00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:50,030 and carry a tennis racket? 305 00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:52,597 I'm just asking you as a friend, to keep an eye on me. 306 00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:55,078 Fine! I will limit you to one piece of nana's cake. 307 00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:56,645 And she's been working on it all morning 308 00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:58,429 so try and act surprised, but not too surprised! 309 00:12:58,516 --> 00:12:59,561 Nana's making a cake? 310 00:12:59,648 --> 00:13:00,997 Oh, man, this is the best 311 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,390 birthday ever! 312 00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:05,132 See, that right there is too much. 313 00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:06,220 If I'd acted that way with the sure thing 314 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:07,612 she would've put her top back on 315 00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:09,789 and kicked me out of that toll booth. 316 00:13:13,662 --> 00:13:15,011 I'll take care of the streamers, you and mom start 317 00:13:15,098 --> 00:13:16,056 blowing up balloons. 318 00:13:16,143 --> 00:13:17,405 Got it. 319 00:13:17,492 --> 00:13:18,710 Maybe dust a little. 320 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,234 Take a rag to these windows. 321 00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:23,585 Sure. Right after we delouse the carpet. 322 00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,326 Oh, I'm sorry, is my mud hut 323 00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:27,807 not fancy enough for your snazzy to-do? 324 00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:32,246 No, we just thought we could spruce things up a little. 325 00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,814 Well, if you're feeling in a Mary Poppins kind of mood 326 00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:38,818 the upstairs crapper is sporting four shades of ugly. 327 00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,210 We'll just hang more balloons 328 00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:42,778 and try to keep the guests downstairs. 329 00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:46,086 Here we go! Alright! 330 00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,523 Old lady coming through! 331 00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,960 Okay, nana, we're here. Watch that carpet. 332 00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,049 You don't wanna fall down and break a hip. 333 00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:55,791 Tell this fool to quit yelling at me 334 00:13:55,878 --> 00:13:58,272 before I slap the Grecian formula out of his hair. 335 00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:02,319 Spry old chicken, isn't she? 336 00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,713 You wanna sit down, nana, take a load off? 337 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,410 If I'm as feeble as you think I am 338 00:14:06,497 --> 00:14:08,760 then why ain't you carrying my damn cake? 339 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,414 I got a bad back, and I didn't want you 340 00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:13,200 to feel completely useless. 341 00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:15,202 Hey, nana, let me take that. 342 00:14:15,289 --> 00:14:16,768 You didn't park in front of the house, did you? 343 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,770 I parked down the street like you told me. 344 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,948 Made me lug my cake a block and a half, the whole time 345 00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:25,647 trying to talk me into buying a racehorse. 346 00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:28,563 I was offering you an investment opportunity that'll take care 347 00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:32,045 of you in your dotage, which let's be honest, is almost over. 348 00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:36,788 I'm gonna kill this man. 349 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,226 Well, wait till after the party and we'll all help. 350 00:14:41,054 --> 00:14:42,794 Fourteen hundred dollars? 351 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,362 The woman at the store said that if I bought this dress 352 00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:47,887 that I had to buy the shoes and I had to buy the earrings. 353 00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,889 Fourteen hundred dollars? 354 00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:53,153 That's okay, right? 355 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,806 Well, of course. 356 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,548 I'm a successful restauranteur, not some poor waiter 357 00:14:57,635 --> 00:14:59,899 who has to sell his blood and semen just to pay for it. 358 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,511 Samuel, I'm late for the party. Give me the keys. 359 00:15:03,598 --> 00:15:06,427 You mean the keys to the Cadillac? 360 00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:09,125 Yes. 361 00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:10,431 Funny story, Mike. 362 00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:11,998 Amira was late for her pedicure 363 00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:13,434 and needed to borrow my car. 364 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:14,565 And what's the punch line? 365 00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:16,654 Towed, wrecked or stolen? 366 00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:17,917 Misplaced. 367 00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,050 But look at her. 368 00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:22,878 Can't expect her to be smart, too. 369 00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,709 May I borrow $1,400? 370 00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,715 Ooh, car, car, car! 371 00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,630 Everybody hide! 372 00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:38,981 Oh, nope. 373 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:40,591 Nice car. False alarm. 374 00:15:40,678 --> 00:15:42,376 [all] Oh. 375 00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:46,336 Man, it's-it's been an hour since I dropped him off 376 00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,555 and he knows we're all waiting here for him. 377 00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:50,340 Carl! 378 00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:52,386 - I'm sorry, he knows what? - What? 379 00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:55,519 - Carl! - Hang on, now. 380 00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:56,956 You guys were the ones acting weird 381 00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,218 making him all suspicious. 382 00:15:58,305 --> 00:15:59,306 All I did was just 383 00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:00,524 confirm those suspicions. 384 00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:04,093 Mike didn't wanna hurt your feelings 385 00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,008 by letting on that he knew. 386 00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:09,142 Really? That's sweet. 387 00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:11,318 And Mike told Carl not to tell you 388 00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:13,407 so I guess that's two secrets that you've blown today. 389 00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,322 Way to go, double-o stupid. 390 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,544 Oh, this might be him. 391 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:26,072 He already knows! 392 00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:27,812 What's wrong with you people? 393 00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:40,347 Knock it off! 394 00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,306 It's a city bus, not the tunnel of love! 395 00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:46,135 Sorry. Hey, excuse me. 396 00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:47,832 I will enjoy the new Nano you bought me. 397 00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,051 Mm-hmm. 398 00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:51,445 What? 399 00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:53,099 My party started over an hour ago. 400 00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,014 And every time this bus makes another stop 401 00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:58,060 I hate you a little more. 402 00:16:58,147 --> 00:16:59,670 I know, Mike, but look at her. 403 00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,324 Isn't she adorable? 404 00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,630 Yes, she is, but how long do you think 405 00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:04,066 you can keep up this ruse? 406 00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,763 Eighteen days. 407 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:07,156 That's only if I can get somebody to buy 408 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,245 one of my kidneys. 409 00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,508 I'll ask around. 410 00:17:11,595 --> 00:17:13,597 But until then, you need to come clean with this girl 411 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,382 and tell her the truth about yourself. 412 00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,427 What, that I'm a penniless waiter who shares an apartment 413 00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:18,472 with three other penniless waiters 414 00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:20,213 and two penniless cabbies? 415 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,867 We're on a cross-town bus and you live with a cabbie? 416 00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:28,830 Look, I'm just saying, if this woman doesn't care about you 417 00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:31,180 for who you really are, then she's not the right one. 418 00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:32,877 But I don't want to lose her, Mike. 419 00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:34,836 If she doesn't know who you are, you don't really 420 00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,142 have her in the first place. 421 00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:38,274 I just get so lonely. 422 00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:40,842 Look, when you met Molly, it filled me with hope. 423 00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,713 But when Carl got a girlfriend 424 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,541 I wanted to hang myself. 425 00:17:46,456 --> 00:17:48,458 Well, with me and Molly, it was destiny. 426 00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:51,287 In Carl's case, just pure, dumb luck. 427 00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:54,290 Like a chicken predicting the Super Bowl point spread. 428 00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,427 So you think if I tell Amira the truth about myself 429 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:02,211 I could have what you have? 430 00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:03,995 Sure hope so. 431 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,214 I mean, look at me. 432 00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:06,955 I don't know where my car is. 433 00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,478 I'm riding on this stinky bus 434 00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:11,002 an hour late for my own party 435 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,962 but because I know Molly's sitting there waiting for me 436 00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:16,965 it's still the best birthday of my life. 437 00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:18,488 That's beautiful. 438 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:21,404 I'm gonna tell Amira the truth right now. 439 00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:23,493 Hey, can you wait until after my party? 440 00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:26,757 'Cause I only get one, like, every 25 years. 441 00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,933 Of course. Happy Birthday. 442 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:30,631 Are we done here? 443 00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:32,285 Yeah, we're done. 444 00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:43,774 Sorry I'm late, mom. 445 00:18:43,861 --> 00:18:46,386 Molly, what are you doing here? 446 00:18:46,473 --> 00:18:48,866 And what are all these decorations? 447 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,043 - Don't bother. - What do you mean? 448 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,654 The jig is up. 449 00:18:53,741 --> 00:18:56,352 We waited two hours, and everybody left and went to IHOP. 450 00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:58,789 Which is where we should have gone in the first place. 451 00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:00,922 Let it go, old woman! 452 00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:06,580 It's always your way or the highway, isn't it, duchess? 453 00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,277 - Get off my back! - Stop fighting. 454 00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:09,626 It's my birthday! 455 00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:11,411 [all] Surprise! 456 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,805 So I do get a party? 457 00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:18,026 We are having a party? This is it, right? 458 00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:20,507 - We got him! - Got him good! 459 00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:24,598 Ah. 460 00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:27,383 Make a wish. 461 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,777 I don't need to. 462 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:31,561 I already got everything I want. 463 00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:36,827 ♪ Happy Birthday to you.. ♪♪ 464 00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:38,264 Isn't that sweet? 465 00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:39,395 True love. 466 00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:41,223 Yes. 467 00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,007 Samuel, I want a house. 468 00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:46,272 And so it shall be. 469 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,369 [theme music]