Please don't say anything, I don't wanna make
a big deal out of it.
Come on, it'll be fun.
So, Peggy, your little boy's birthday is coming up.
I know when he was born, I was front and center.
Spread-eagled in stirrups
screaming, "Get this monster out of me."
Didn't I tell you not to bring it up?
You did.
Thank God it was in the days before video
otherwise we'd still be watching game tapes.
Well, anyway, I think it might be fun
to, to have a little party this year.
We usually go to the IHOP.
He eats for free
and I get the senior discount.
We're in and out for six bucks.
Six fifty if mom's in a tipping mood.
Hey, if I gotta hold my coffee cup in the air
like the statue of liberty every time I need a refill
Rosarita can live off the money she skims from the till.
Besides, we're not really a party-throwing kind of family.
You mean you've never had a birthday party?
I threw him one when he turned nine
and that is a nightmare, I will not repeat.
Here we go.
Decorated the house
invited all the neighbor kids
even the poor ones with crooked teeth and dirty necks.
The Cateneso twins.
Their dad drank.
So, what happened?
Well, the birthday boy
ate three hamburgers
four quarter-hunks of cake
and a plastic Reagan head
full of jelly belly's.
I got overexcited. It was my birthday.
Barf-day is more like it.
He started spraying like a water wiggle full of urp.
People were running out of here
like they were on the "Poseidon."
During pin the tail on the donkey
when they blindfolded me and spun me around
it kind of all went south.
It went south, north, east and west.
I've been finding whole jelly beans for years after.
It's like he didn't even chew 'em.
She gets the picture, ma.
I can almost smell it.
Well, it is the same couch.
Who wants peach cobbler?
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Here, this is the woman I've been telling you about.
- She is also from Africa. - That picture ain't Africa.
That's Lincoln park. I recognize the hotdog vendor.
Gary. Or Jerry?
She's a beautiful woman, if that is indeed her real picture.
What are you talking about?
'People lie all the time on these dating sites.'
I once tried hooking up with this hot Filipino chick
ended up being a short Guatemalan man named Roberto.
- Oh, yeah, he was a nice guy. - Mm.
Real sweetheart, bought dinner that night
and taught me how to salsa-dance.
Well, Amira is who she says she is.
We have e-mailed on several occasions
and tonight, we're meeting face-to-face.
I hope it works out for you, pal.
Me, too, most of my success stories
came on the international love sites.
Your Russian, Czechoslovakian, Ukrainian.
When they don't speak English, it gives him a two-week head
start before they realize he's full of crap in any language.
Two weeks is more than enough time to do what I need to do
and a couple of things I thought I wanted to do
but once I did them, I wish I hadn't.
I'm actually hoping for something more substantial
and long-term.
A soul mate who appreciates me for who I am.
And I hope that's on your profile page
'cause that's the kind of crap-ski
that can get a comrade laid-ski.
Never mind him, Samuel.
I'm glad you're being honest
and starting things off on the right foot.
Thank you, Mike.
Oh, by the way, may I borrow your car tonight?
What do you need my car for?
I told her I had a car.
It seemed slightly more impressive than telling her
I had four days left on my bus pass.
That's good, but try to keep the lies to a minimum
otherwise, after two weeks, you're gonna have
some angry Ukrainian bitch demanding to see
the rocks you collected on your moon walk.
His mom hasn't thrown him a birthday party
since he was nine?
- That's so sad. - Well, you've met her.
She's a...hideous woman.
Guess that explains why he's 35, never been married
and puts his belt on with a boomerang.
So, his weight issues are because
of his relationship with his mother?
What does that say about you and me?
You're big-boned
and have a hearty appetite.
Now pipe down and get mama some more wine.
Okay, mama.
So, are you gonna go ahead and throw him a party?
I'm thinking about it. Maybe a surprise party.
Just have to get typhoid Peggy on board.
I say we do it.
Yeah, let's give that poor, sweet man
the love and attention he never
got as a fat little boy.
- Hey, everybody. - Hi.
Speak of the devil.
We were just talking about you.
- 'Oh, really? What about?' - Nothing.
We're just glad you're living here with us.
And that you're a part of our family.
- Thanks. Appreciate it. - No.
We appreciate you.
Just the way you are.
What's up with this?
They're drunk and they like you.
Oh, okay, well, I like you, too.
I'll get that, you gals stay here
and maybe think about getting a little food in your stomach.
Alright, if we are gonna throw him a surprise party
we are off to a very poor start.
Sorry, pal, I'm not donating to the Nation of Islam.
I'm sorry I don't meet your fashion standards
Mr. Blackwell.
I'm just kidding. You look swell.
This girl's gonna be very impressed
especially when you roll up
in a freshly armor alled
Mitsubishi Galant.
I really appreciate the use of your car.
Wow, somebody's either got a date
or he's collecting money for the Nation of Islam.
Okay, I'm losing the tie.
He met a nice girl online.
I'm letting him borrow my car.
Oh, that's great.
Did you tell him about the brakes?
I was getting to that.
Uh, just a couple of things you need to know
about sweet lady Galant.
She can be a bitch.
- I got this. - Okay.
She can be a bitch.
You gotta start pumping the brakes
about a half a block
before you get to a stop sign.
Yeah, and if you think you're gonna stop short
keep your hand on the emergency brake
and be prepared to yank that sucker
like your life depends on it, 'cause it does.
Other than that, have fun.
Okay, uh, thanks.
I'll have it back to you tomorrow morning.
Not if you park on a hill, you won't.
So, what are you doing for your birthday this year?
I guess it's just me and mom at the IHOP.
You're welcome to join us if you want.
Watching you wolf down a Belgian waffle
with strawberry compote while your mom describes
what a blood bath your birth was?
No, thank you.
Good morning, my brothers from another mother.
What a glorious day it is.
Wow. Sounds like somebody's date went pretty well, huh?
Amira was more beautiful than her pictures.
It-it was a perfect evening.
Hey, you didn't do it in my car, did you?
Well, as much as I wanted to consummate our attraction
on a vinyl car seat covered in Arby's wrappers..
...I chose to wait until we had a proper courtship.
Plus, she wouldn't let me.
So, where'd you take her?
We had a five-course dinner
at the Florentine
and split a bottle of champagne.
And she still wouldn't give it up?
Every one of them online Svetlanas was good to go
after a roach coach taco and a can of Foster's lager.
Look, I-I don't wanna pry, Samuel
but that sounds like a pretty expensive evening
for a man of, shall we say, meager means.
Uh, what Mike is wondering is how a broke ass-schmuck like you
is paying for all this crap?
I gleaned that on my own, Carl.
Last night's magic was courtesy
of my now maxed-out discover card.
And how long do you plan on maintaining
this level of costly, sexless courtship?
Well, I was hoping you gentlemen would either loan me the money
or leave me a 700 percent tip.
Hey, look, I already let you borrow my car
which you still haven't returned, by the way.
That's right.
- Here are the keys. - Thank you.
Amira was very impressed with your car.
The valet at the restaurant, eh, not so much.
Hello, Samuel.
Oh, my goodness, there she is.
I have missed you so much.
I missed you, too.
Wow, I got to get back to Africa and embrace my roots.
Me too.
Amira, these are my friends, Mike and Carl.
Gentlemen, this is Amira.
- Hi. - Hi, Amira.
Nice to meet you.
Samuel has spoken so highly of both of you.
But he did not mention how handsome and masculine you are.
Guys don't talk that way about other guys.
- Even if it is true. - Especially when it's true.
So to what do I owe this wonderful surprise?
I was just hoping that after you closed up your restaurant
we could go for a drive in your Mitsubishi Cadillac.
I would love that.
Oh, right. Thanks for loaning me your Cadillac.
Did you remember to put gas back in it?
Sadly, no.
Here's 20 to cover it.
It's a big tank.
Glad I didn't borrow Samuel's car.
And believe it or not, I got Mike's mom to agree
to a party at her place.
Wow, how'd you do that?
I agreed to clean up his cake vomit.
That's fair.
And when he comes to pick her up to go to IHOP--
- Surprise! - Shh.
Surprise.
So, what do we do when he comes down for breakfast?
Pretend we forgot it's his birthday?
No. No, no, classic mistake.
Acknowledge it the way you normally would
but don't go overboard. It'll make him suspicious.
Kind of like when you get pulled over by the cops
when you're high on weed.
You wanna act straight..
...but not too straight.
I never thought I would say this
but you-you are absolutely right.
- Morning, ladies. - Hey, sweetie.
Happy Birthday.
That's right, it is my birthday.
Congratulations, officer.
And I realize you're just doing your job.
Well, I'm not treating you different today
than I do any other day.
Okey-dokey, senorchunko?
Mom, Victoria, quit being so weird.
They're-they're so weird.
You'd better get out of here.
And get away, g-get out of here.
Get away from these weirdos.
Happy Birthday!
Lucky for you two, he is a very simple man.
Something's up. Those women are acting freakier than usual.
I think it's got something to do with my birthday.
Is today your birthday?
Oh, how did that sneak up on me?
- Happy Birthday. - Thanks.
Hey, after work, what do you say you and I go grab
a couple of beers, maybe shoot a game of pool?
No, you can't, you got to be at your mom's
between 6:00 and 6:15.
To take her to the IHOP.
For your birthday.
Which I forgot about.
Molly's throwing me a surprise party, isn't she?
And she's going through a lot of trouble, too
so when you walk in that door
you better act good and surprised!
Ah, this is great, I can't believe
I'm getting a surprise party!
I hope you're gonna do better than that, 'cause that terrible.
What are you talking about? That was real.
Well, your real is totally unbelievable.
I mean, we need you to appear excited, but don't act like
they just called your name on the "Price is Right."
Carl, don't worry about it. I can handle this.
It's like when somebody sets you up with a sure thing.
I mean, you know eventually her clothes are gonna come off
but when they do, you got to act like
"Oh, my goodness, what an unexpected treat."
Otherwise, that poor girl's just gonna feel like a whore.
I get it. Surprised, but not too surprised.
And, look, tonight I need you to keep an eye on me.
Don't let me eat too much or get overexcited.
So my whole night's gonna be spent
keeping cake out of that mouth?
Do I get to wear falcon gloves
and carry a tennis racket?
I'm just asking you as a friend, to keep an eye on me.
Fine! I will limit you to one piece of nana's cake.
And she's been working on it all morning
so try and act surprised, but not too surprised!
Nana's making a cake?
Oh, man, this is the best
birthday ever!
See, that right there is too much.
If I'd acted that way with the sure thing
she would've put her top back on
and kicked me out of that toll booth.
I'll take care of the streamers, you and mom start
blowing up balloons.
Got it.
Maybe dust a little.
Take a rag to these windows.
Sure. Right after we delouse the carpet.
Oh, I'm sorry, is my mud hut
not fancy enough for your snazzy to-do?
No, we just thought we could spruce things up a little.
Well, if you're feeling in a Mary Poppins kind of mood
the upstairs crapper is sporting four shades of ugly.
We'll just hang more balloons
and try to keep the guests downstairs.
Here we go! Alright!
Old lady coming through!
Okay, nana, we're here. Watch that carpet.
You don't wanna fall down and break a hip.
Tell this fool to quit yelling at me
before I slap the Grecian formula out of his hair.
Spry old chicken, isn't she?
You wanna sit down, nana, take a load off?
If I'm as feeble as you think I am
then why ain't you carrying my damn cake?
I got a bad back, and I didn't want you
to feel completely useless.
Hey, nana, let me take that.
You didn't park in front of the house, did you?
I parked down the street like you told me.
Made me lug my cake a block and a half, the whole time
trying to talk me into buying a racehorse.
I was offering you an investment opportunity that'll take care
of you in your dotage, which let's be honest, is almost over.
I'm gonna kill this man.
Well, wait till after the party and we'll all help.
Fourteen hundred dollars?
The woman at the store said that if I bought this dress
that I had to buy the shoes and I had to buy the earrings.
Fourteen hundred dollars?
That's okay, right?
Well, of course.
I'm a successful restauranteur, not some poor waiter
who has to sell his blood and semen just to pay for it.
Samuel, I'm late for the party. Give me the keys.
You mean the keys to the Cadillac?
Yes.
Funny story, Mike.
Amira was late for her pedicure
and needed to borrow my car.
And what's the punch line?
Towed, wrecked or stolen?
Misplaced.
But look at her.
Can't expect her to be smart, too.
May I borrow $1,400?
Ooh, car, car, car!
Everybody hide!
Oh, nope.
Nice car. False alarm.
[all] Oh.
Man, it's-it's been an hour since I dropped him off
and he knows we're all waiting here for him.
Carl!
- I'm sorry, he knows what? - What?
- Carl! - Hang on, now.
You guys were the ones acting weird
making him all suspicious.
All I did was just
confirm those suspicions.
Mike didn't wanna hurt your feelings
by letting on that he knew.
Really? That's sweet.
And Mike told Carl not to tell you
so I guess that's two secrets that you've blown today.
Way to go, double-o stupid.
Oh, this might be him.
He already knows!
What's wrong with you people?
Knock it off!
It's a city bus, not the tunnel of love!
Sorry. Hey, excuse me.
I will enjoy the new Nano you bought me.
Mm-hmm.
What?
My party started over an hour ago.
And every time this bus makes another stop
I hate you a little more.
I know, Mike, but look at her.
Isn't she adorable?
Yes, she is, but how long do you think
you can keep up this ruse?
Eighteen days.
That's only if I can get somebody to buy
one of my kidneys.
I'll ask around.
But until then, you need to come clean with this girl
and tell her the truth about yourself.
What, that I'm a penniless waiter who shares an apartment
with three other penniless waiters
and two penniless cabbies?
We're on a cross-town bus and you live with a cabbie?
Look, I'm just saying, if this woman doesn't care about you
for who you really are, then she's not the right one.
But I don't want to lose her, Mike.
If she doesn't know who you are, you don't really
have her in the first place.
I just get so lonely.
Look, when you met Molly, it filled me with hope.
But when Carl got a girlfriend
I wanted to hang myself.
Well, with me and Molly, it was destiny.
In Carl's case, just pure, dumb luck.
Like a chicken predicting the Super Bowl point spread.
So you think if I tell Amira the truth about myself
I could have what you have?
Sure hope so.
I mean, look at me.
I don't know where my car is.
I'm riding on this stinky bus
an hour late for my own party
but because I know Molly's sitting there waiting for me
it's still the best birthday of my life.
That's beautiful.
I'm gonna tell Amira the truth right now.
Hey, can you wait until after my party?
'Cause I only get one, like, every 25 years.
Of course. Happy Birthday.
Are we done here?
Yeah, we're done.
Sorry I'm late, mom.
Molly, what are you doing here?
And what are all these decorations?
- Don't bother. - What do you mean?
The jig is up.
We waited two hours, and everybody left and went to IHOP.
Which is where we should have gone in the first place.
Let it go, old woman!
It's always your way or the highway, isn't it, duchess?
- Get off my back! - Stop fighting.
It's my birthday!
[all] Surprise!
So I do get a party?
We are having a party? This is it, right?
- We got him! - Got him good!
Ah.
Make a wish.
I don't need to.
I already got everything I want.
♪ Happy Birthday to you.. ♪♪
Isn't that sweet?
True love.
Yes.
Samuel, I want a house.
And so it shall be.
[theme music]