Listen, you two, I stuck my neck out
so you could get married here.
And if your interview with Father Tim goes South
he'll exile me to the back pew
with the smokers and pregnant teens.
My stomach's in knots.
The last time I had to sit down with Father Tim, I was 12
and he told me I'd spend eternity in hell.
Well, that's what you get for cuttin' cheese
in the confessional booth.
Turned the Lord's sacred place of absolution into a Dutch oven.
I'd like to believe over the years, he'd forgotten about it
but I've been in a car with you.
Just remember, he's old school Catholic
which means he's up at 6:00 and drunk by noon.
And right now he's either singing "Danny Boy"
or taking a swing at a nun.
Well, that's not what Jesus would do.
They didn't have nuns back then.
And this is the guy we want joining us in holy matrimony?
Just make sure he knows you're a good Catholic
and the two of you aren't living together in sin.
But I'm not and we are.
Please tell me she's not gonna be herself in there.
Look, if you get in a jam, just bow your head
and make the sign of the cross.
Is it lefty-loosey or righty-tighty?
[door opens]
Hey, there. Are you Mike and Molly?
- Yes. - Yes, father.
Hi. I'm Father Justin.
Uh, Father Tim..
Thank you.
Father Tim is feeling a little under the weather today.
Overextend himself doing the Lord's work
or, uh, knock back too much Jameson's
at the monsignor's poker game?
Actually, he's just trying to throw a few more
responsibilities my way.
And, yes, the game did go pretty late last night.
Well, it doesn't matter where the money comes from
when the nun-mobile needs new tires.
Amen.
Uh, so shall we get started?
[sighs] Let's do it.
Oh, uh, actually
this is just for the couple-to-be.
You'll need to wait out here.
Hang on a second.
Did Father Tim tell you who I am?
He did, and that's why I think it increases their chances
if they go this alone.
I understand, father. I'm sure you know what you're doing.
I'll see you at the church picnic, choirboy.
I'll be the one in the potato sack hoppin' right up your ass.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
And strengthen their hearts
so that they will keep faith with each other
please you in all things, and so come to the happiness
celebrating the sacrament of their marriage.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.
- Amen. - Yeah. Amen.
Okay, the only requirement here today is honesty.
Uh, I'm gonna ask a few questions
about marriage and family
and there are no wrong answers. Just say what's in your heart.
Are these gonna be "churchy" kind of questions?
'Cause I really haven't been in a long time.
She means to this church.
We've been going to a different parish closer to our house.
Oh, I see. So, you two are living together?
No. Who told you that?
Look, I-I understand that many couples
choose to live together before getting married.
It's really more of a financial thing. Not about sex.
I mean, I've held out this long, right, honey?
Sure.
Guys, there's no need to pretend
that you don't have an intimate relationship.
I-I may be a man of the cloth
but I also have Internet access and Cinemax.
I'm sorry, father, we're both just nervous
and have no idea what it is we're supposed to say.
I'm just here to make sure you two love each other
and understand what it means to enter into a marriage.
Oh, yeah, she really hammered home
all that compromising and listening crap.
Stuff, father.
Amen.
I just need to confirm a couple of things.
Uh, your commitment to the church
and that you're planning on raising your children Catholic.
Can do and will do. See you at the wedding, padre.
Hang-hang on a second.
We haven't really discussed raising our kids Catholic.
Molly, quit jokin' around.
Of course we're going to raise them Catholic.
Church every Sunday, and the rest of the week
guilt, shame, penance and bingo.
Mike, Mike, Mike..
...he-he wants us to be honest.
I mean, father, we, we can promise you
that we'll raise our children with a strong set of values.
Good to hear.
But, come on
we can't guarantee you what path
they're gonna take or that they're going to
church every Sunday.
Well, not every Sunday.
I mean, if little Patrick or Mary Teresa
has the sniffles, we'll do like a home worship kinda thing.
And don't worry, we'll make it long and boring
just like a regular mass.
So what I hear you saying
is that you are not a practicing Catholic
and have no intention of raising your children that way?
No, I am a practicing Catholic.
I just miss a lot of practices.
Well, unfortunately, those are two of the major requirements
when getting married in a Catholic church.
Well, I don't think I should force religion on my children.
Don't we want that to be their choice?
Get a load of her.
Kids makin' their own choices.
What's next? Dogs flying airplanes? Ha ha ha!
I'm sorry, but we have certain requirements.
We have weddings here for our parishioners, which you are not.
We were willing to make an exception
because, frankly
we're all pretty scared of your mother.
Speaking of which, uh, mom said it'd be a good idea
to, uh, grease God's wheel.
And now a cop is bribing a priest.
- I think we're done here. - Hang on a second.
Are you not gonna marry us because I can't guarantee you
the souls of our unborn children?
Forgive her, father. She's possessed.
If you can spin your head around
now would be the time to do it.
[instrumental music]
How the hell did you lose the church?
Did you take a whore bath in the holy water?
He told us to be honest!
[sighs] Do you know how many acts of Christian charity
I'm gonna have to do to work my way
back to the front of the sanctuary?
This is not my fault!
Well, it's your name I'll be cursing every Saturday
while I'm spooning out Beefaroni to a pack of smelly hobos!
What was I supposed to do? Just sit there and lie to a priest?
That's exactlywhat you do.
You say you covet your neighbor's new leaf blower
not that you want to clean his colon with it!
Every good Catholic knows that.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe this, one month before the wedding
and we lose the church.
And there's no other places available?
Oh, the senior center said we can get married there.
Good news, they have a dance floor.
Bad news, lots of people have died on it.
I got a buddy who'd let you use his warehouse.
Beautiful space
if you can tolerate near-freezing temperatures
and a few pig carcasses.
Oh, good, that covers old and rotting.
Now I just need something borrowed and blue.
Don't get mad at me just 'cause you got lippy with a priest.
Yeah, sweetie, you got to be careful with that bunch.
They can't have sex with women
so they got to find another way to stick it to you.
I didn't do anything wrong.
"Thou shalt not tell a lie." And I didn't.
No, I think you're thinking of George Washington, honey.
The Bible's chockfull of little fibs and out-and-out BS.
Yeah, I mean a guy gets swallowed by a whale
and lives to tell about it?
I don't think so.
Vin, you're confusing the Bible with Pinocchio again.
Which one had the talking cricket?
I'm going out for a beer. I'll be back in a while.
What are you talking about?
You need to help me find us a place to get married.
Hey, how about the church I grew up in?
Oh, wait, you kinda blew that for us, didn't you?
Mike, what happened happened.
It didn't have to happen
if you'd just followed my lead.
Maybe if you talked a little less and listened
a little more, we wouldn't be in this mess.
- Really? - Okay.
- Nighty-night, kids. - Sleep tight.
Look, I don't want to have a big fight.
Oh, it is too late for that.
So you're saying you want me
to just smile and keep my trap shut?
That's not what I said.
But that's what you're thinking, isn't it?
Yes, but I have the good sense not to say it.
You see how easy it is!
Molly and I had a fight.
Well, this is your home and you're always welcome.
You have to sleep on the couch, though.
I gave your old room to Jim.
[instrumental music]
I'll have a Denver omelet with buttered toast
and a glass of OJ.
Water and Alka-Seltzer for me.
Oh, a nasty food hangover, huh?
May I recommend a little hair of the 12 hot dogs that bit you?
For your information, I did not have one single hot dog.
He had two tubes of cookie dough, one cooked and one not
and two chicken pot pies..
...also one cooked and one not.
Why do I even tell you this stuff?
You didn't. I guessed it by the smell of your burps.
FYI, the walk-in freezer has a padlock and a security camera.
Don't embarrass yourself.
So, you're telling me the wedding is off now?
No, we just have to find a new place to have it.
And there's a 50-50 chance that I won't even be invited.
Well, I'm just asking 'cause you know how tight my schedule is.
That's the first thing I thought of when my life fell apart.
"Will Carl have to reschedule his fantasy baseball draft?"
No, you can't reschedule the draft. That's my point.
I didn't even want a big church wedding, but she did
so I went along with it, 'cause I'm a get-along guy.
Like most men are, you know why you never hear
the phrase "get-along girl?"
'Cause there's never been one.
They have to let everybody know what they're thinking.
They get a bad haircut, the whole world has to know.
Me, I just let you make fun of me till it grows out.
Nah, I know what you mean.
Christina's also very vocal.
The other day she had to call out some guy
in the nine-items-or-less aisle.
Why can't they just let that go?
Especially when the offending shopper is a big biker
with crazy eyes and 14 boxes of Sudafed.
You know what Molly does? She shushes people at the movies.
- Oh, no, she's one of those? - Yeah.
The other night there was this young couple
in front of us and the woman was yammering on about something.
Just tell me this, were they black?
Well, that's not the point of the story, Carl.
But, yes, of course they were black.
Damn.
I try to lead by example
but my people simply will not follow.
Anyway, Molly starts in with the shushing but they ignored it.
Yeah, then she leans in with a "Do you mind?"
Which translates to "Hey, wanna punch my fat boyfriend?"
Mmm, so, how did it end?
I had a grape soda tossed at my face by woman named Shaniqua.
Still better than having a meth-head biker
make fun of your tiny ears and your hemorrhoid cream.
By the way, if Christina ever asks, you have hemorrhoids.
[instrumental music]
- Did Mike call? - No.
- Oh. - But my pot dealer did.
He said if you want to, you can have your wedding
in his basement grow room.
Well, at least the lighting will be good.
Put a pin in that on the off chance
that we do actually get married.
Oh, come on, Moll, this is just pre-wedding jitters.
You and Mike love each other.
You're gonna work it out.
Hey, I'm not gonna apologize
for being an opinionated person.
It's who I am and it's not gonna change.
- Certainly hasn't so far. - Hey!
And that's good.
Yeah, damn right it's good.
I deserve a man who appreciates me for who I am
straight-shootin' Molly Flynn.
- Sassy, brassy, kiss my ass-y. - Exactly.
If he wants some little quiet wallflower
to cook him dinner and laugh at his jokes
he can go look somewhere else for that.
- Can't put Baby in a corner. - No, you cannot.
And if you try to do it, Baby's gonna bite.
So what are you gonna do, call off the wedding?
No, you're gonna call your pot dealer, I'm gonna call
the bakery and have them turn a wedding cake
into a thousand cupcakes.
[instrumental music]
Listen, he's my son and he's only gonna be here a few days.
You're still my favorite
so quit crapping on the bath mat.
Don't pretend it wasn't you.
I'm old, but I can still clutch my mud.
Hey, mom.
What did I just say?
How was your day, boy?
- Fine. Did Molly call? - No, she didn't.
And you're not gonna call her
'cause you got nothing to apologize for.
I don't know. I might have overreacted a little.
Hey, nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.
You don't want to walk into a marriage
crawling around on all fours.
Are we gonna go nose-to-nose all night?
- Something smells good. - Made your favorite.
Tuna noodle casserole with two cans
of Pringles crumbled on top.
One regular, one cool ranch.
And you cooked it so the noodles got a little crunchy?
'Just the way you like it.'
I also made a batch of chocolate peanut butter brownies.
We'll put on the feed bag and watch that show
about the two girls and a horse.
Sounds good.
What are you doing?
Just checking my phone messages.
Boy, she's really got you by the skin pickle, doesn't she?
Know what, mom? You need to back off.
All I'm saying is, if you're really gonna marry this woman
she needs to know who's boss.
I don't want to be her boss. I want to be her husband.
What you're acting like is her damn lapdog.
Not everything is about you.
- Can we just eat? - I don't know.
Why don't you call your fiance and ask her if you're hungry?
Alright, Mom, you are treading on very thin ice.
I didn't raise you to spend your life getting browbeaten
by some loudmouth harpy.
At some point, you're gonna have to
grow a pair and say "Enough is enough."
You know what, mom? You're right. Enough is enough!
I'm sick of you butting into my life and bad-mouthing my love!
And if you keep it up, you and I are gonna have a real problem!
You can't get along with anybody, can you?
Don't start with me, Carl. I'm not in the mood.
You better be nice to me.
Because you're running out of houses.
[instrumental music]
Mmm. I will say this about your mom.
For an old, crusty woman
she sure makes a moist, chewy brownie.
You think I chose her house first
'cause she's so fun to be around?
Look, man, you're welcome to stay here, but eventually
you and Molly are gonna have to talk this thing out.
Yeah, I know.
See, communication is the glue
that holds a relationship together.
That and staying out of the bathroom
when she shaves her legs or makes a boom-boom.
Michael, please tell me you're not trusting
the delicate machinations of your relationship
to this talking donkey.
Excuse me.
I am in a committed relationship now
and think I have some valuable insight
into the male-female dynamic.
Boy, just 'cause you got a ride
on the lucky bus don't mean
you should be teaching other people
how to drive.
I'm gonna get some milk.
Well, use a glass this time.
'Cause if I hear that milk jug crinkle from you sucking on it
I'm going Buster Douglas on the side of your head.
Thanks for letting me stay here tonight, nana.
Oh, you're welcome here anytime, Michael.
But I hate to think of that pretty little girl of yours
fretting and worrying about you.
I don't wanna hurt her. I'm just afraid that we're too different.
Well, different is good.
Yeah, but she's got to have an opinion about everything.
If she sees something wrong, she gotta say something about it.
And what would you prefer her to do?
Sit back, smile, and pretend like everything's okay?
That's what I do.
And that's what you were doing before you met her.
Sitting in that sad little apartment
50 pounds heavier, pretending everything was okay.
God, I was a mess.
And if that woman had just shut up
and left well enough alone
you'd still be a mess.
Standing in your kitchen
drinking milk right out of the jug like I told you not to!
Damn, old woman, you got ears like a bat.
Mm.
You've got a good, strong woman there.
And you don't love her in spite of what she is.
You love her because of what she is.
[chuckles]
I better get home and help Molly find a place
for us to have our wedding.
Well, if you need a church, the First Baptist
is always happy to open its doors to a young couple.
Really?
As long as your check clears
and you keep your drinking
to the parking lot.
No problem. Molly's mom can drink anywhere.
[laughing]
That was really nice of you, grandma.
Well, him I can fix.
You're like a bad rash that always needs gas money.
We're out of milk.
Just make me so mad, I could just..
[instrumental music]
Sweetie, I-I want to apologize again
for the way I spoke to you.
I'm sorry for telling you not to let the door
hit you in the butt on the way out.
You actually said "ass."
Do we want to replay the game tapes?
No, ma'am, we do not.
But don't worry, I promise, this time
I'll let you do most of the talking.
Hey, your honest, assertive nature is what I love about you
and what makes us a great team.
Thanks, sweetie.
But just to be on the safe side
I should probably take the lead on this.
Good morning. Morning.
Morning.
So, Sister Rosetta tells me
that you two would like to get married in our sanctuary.
Are either one of you Baptist?
Uh..
We're not.
But if it's a deal-breaker
take me to the river and dunk me in the water.
Well, that won't be necessary.
The only requirement here is you have faith in God.
And a $1,200 check made out to cash.
So we don't have to pretend to be Baptist or..
...black or..
Well, you can if you want. It's your wedding.
And if you are gonna pretend to be black, you'll want our choir.
And that's an extra $400.
- Amen, brother. - Hallelujah.
You know, I-I had a great-great grandmother
that was half-black, half-Cherokee.
Really?
No. I don't know why I just said that.
I should just shut up.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]