1 00:00:02,611 --> 00:00:04,917 Listen, you two, I stuck my neck out 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,484 so you could get married here. 3 00:00:06,571 --> 00:00:08,878 And if your interview with Father Tim goes South 4 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:10,793 he'll exile me to the back pew 5 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,230 with the smokers and pregnant teens. 6 00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:16,407 My stomach's in knots. 7 00:00:16,494 --> 00:00:18,801 The last time I had to sit down with Father Tim, I was 12 8 00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:20,803 and he told me I'd spend eternity in hell. 9 00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:24,067 Well, that's what you get for cuttin' cheese 10 00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:25,721 in the confessional booth. 11 00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:30,465 Turned the Lord's sacred place of absolution into a Dutch oven. 12 00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:34,425 I'd like to believe over the years, he'd forgotten about it 13 00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,862 but I've been in a car with you. 14 00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:39,735 Just remember, he's old school Catholic 15 00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:42,259 which means he's up at 6:00 and drunk by noon. 16 00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:45,480 And right now he's either singing "Danny Boy" 17 00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:48,178 or taking a swing at a nun. 18 00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:50,702 Well, that's not what Jesus would do. 19 00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:53,792 They didn't have nuns back then. 20 00:00:53,879 --> 00:00:56,360 And this is the guy we want joining us in holy matrimony? 21 00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:59,276 Just make sure he knows you're a good Catholic 22 00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:01,800 and the two of you aren't living together in sin. 23 00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:03,802 But I'm not and we are. 24 00:01:05,587 --> 00:01:08,068 Please tell me she's not gonna be herself in there. 25 00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,810 Look, if you get in a jam, just bow your head 26 00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,812 and make the sign of the cross. 27 00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:17,773 Is it lefty-loosey or righty-tighty? 28 00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:19,253 [door opens] 29 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:20,428 Hey, there. Are you Mike and Molly? 30 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:21,472 - Yes. - Yes, father. 31 00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,213 Hi. I'm Father Justin. 32 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,302 Uh, Father Tim.. 33 00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:26,521 Thank you. 34 00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:30,829 Father Tim is feeling a little under the weather today. 35 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:32,962 Overextend himself doing the Lord's work 36 00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:35,095 or, uh, knock back too much Jameson's 37 00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:37,271 at the monsignor's poker game? 38 00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:38,663 Actually, he's just trying to throw a few more 39 00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,144 responsibilities my way. 40 00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,842 And, yes, the game did go pretty late last night. 41 00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:45,670 Well, it doesn't matter where the money comes from 42 00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,411 when the nun-mobile needs new tires. 43 00:01:47,498 --> 00:01:48,673 Amen. 44 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:49,979 Uh, so shall we get started? 45 00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:51,937 [sighs] Let's do it. 46 00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:54,984 Oh, uh, actually 47 00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:56,290 this is just for the couple-to-be. 48 00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:57,769 You'll need to wait out here. 49 00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,031 Hang on a second. 50 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,382 Did Father Tim tell you who I am? 51 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:04,124 He did, and that's why I think it increases their chances 52 00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,474 if they go this alone. 53 00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:09,172 I understand, father. I'm sure you know what you're doing. 54 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,744 I'll see you at the church picnic, choirboy. 55 00:02:15,831 --> 00:02:19,313 I'll be the one in the potato sack hoppin' right up your ass. 56 00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:26,276 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 57 00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:30,802 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 58 00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:40,856 And strengthen their hearts 59 00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:42,858 so that they will keep faith with each other 60 00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:46,035 please you in all things, and so come to the happiness 61 00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,429 celebrating the sacrament of their marriage. 62 00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:50,866 We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen. 63 00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,824 - Amen. - Yeah. Amen. 64 00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:59,396 Okay, the only requirement here today is honesty. 65 00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:00,702 Uh, I'm gonna ask a few questions 66 00:03:00,789 --> 00:03:02,617 about marriage and family 67 00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:05,750 and there are no wrong answers. Just say what's in your heart. 68 00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:07,448 Are these gonna be "churchy" kind of questions? 69 00:03:07,535 --> 00:03:09,885 'Cause I really haven't been in a long time. 70 00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:11,582 She means to this church. 71 00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:14,716 We've been going to a different parish closer to our house. 72 00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:16,457 Oh, I see. So, you two are living together? 73 00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:18,415 No. Who told you that? 74 00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,507 Look, I-I understand that many couples 75 00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:25,596 choose to live together before getting married. 76 00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:27,903 It's really more of a financial thing. Not about sex. 77 00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:30,906 I mean, I've held out this long, right, honey? 78 00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:31,950 Sure. 79 00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:35,911 Guys, there's no need to pretend 80 00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:37,782 that you don't have an intimate relationship. 81 00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,175 I-I may be a man of the cloth 82 00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,743 but I also have Internet access and Cinemax. 83 00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:46,487 I'm sorry, father, we're both just nervous 84 00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:49,316 and have no idea what it is we're supposed to say. 85 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,709 I'm just here to make sure you two love each other 86 00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:53,885 and understand what it means to enter into a marriage. 87 00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,583 Oh, yeah, she really hammered home 88 00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:57,759 all that compromising and listening crap. 89 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:01,197 Stuff, father. 90 00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:02,242 Amen. 91 00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,767 I just need to confirm a couple of things. 92 00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,638 Uh, your commitment to the church 93 00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:09,727 and that you're planning on raising your children Catholic. 94 00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:11,860 Can do and will do. See you at the wedding, padre. 95 00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:13,601 Hang-hang on a second. 96 00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:16,386 We haven't really discussed raising our kids Catholic. 97 00:04:16,473 --> 00:04:17,779 Molly, quit jokin' around. 98 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:19,128 Of course we're going to raise them Catholic. 99 00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:20,956 Church every Sunday, and the rest of the week 100 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:23,001 guilt, shame, penance and bingo. 101 00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,003 Mike, Mike, Mike.. 102 00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:27,092 ...he-he wants us to be honest. 103 00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:29,399 I mean, father, we, we can promise you 104 00:04:29,486 --> 00:04:32,141 that we'll raise our children with a strong set of values. 105 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:33,185 Good to hear. 106 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,709 But, come on 107 00:04:34,796 --> 00:04:36,014 we can't guarantee you what path 108 00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:37,189 they're gonna take or that they're going to 109 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,669 church every Sunday. 110 00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:39,931 Well, not every Sunday. 111 00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,933 I mean, if little Patrick or Mary Teresa 112 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,849 has the sniffles, we'll do like a home worship kinda thing. 113 00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:46,808 And don't worry, we'll make it long and boring 114 00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:48,766 just like a regular mass. 115 00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,682 So what I hear you saying 116 00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,945 is that you are not a practicing Catholic 117 00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:56,339 and have no intention of raising your children that way? 118 00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:58,123 No, I am a practicing Catholic. 119 00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,169 I just miss a lot of practices. 120 00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:07,394 Well, unfortunately, those are two of the major requirements 121 00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:09,396 when getting married in a Catholic church. 122 00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:12,486 Well, I don't think I should force religion on my children. 123 00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:15,053 Don't we want that to be their choice? 124 00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:16,228 Get a load of her. 125 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,578 Kids makin' their own choices. 126 00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:20,363 What's next? Dogs flying airplanes? Ha ha ha! 127 00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:24,933 I'm sorry, but we have certain requirements. 128 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:27,501 We have weddings here for our parishioners, which you are not. 129 00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:28,763 We were willing to make an exception 130 00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:30,634 because, frankly 131 00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:33,158 we're all pretty scared of your mother. 132 00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:35,770 Speaking of which, uh, mom said it'd be a good idea 133 00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:38,076 to, uh, grease God's wheel. 134 00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,991 And now a cop is bribing a priest. 135 00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:42,777 - I think we're done here. - Hang on a second. 136 00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:45,475 Are you not gonna marry us because I can't guarantee you 137 00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:47,303 the souls of our unborn children? 138 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:49,218 Forgive her, father. She's possessed. 139 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:50,437 If you can spin your head around 140 00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,569 now would be the time to do it. 141 00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:56,094 [instrumental music] 142 00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:58,706 How the hell did you lose the church? 143 00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:01,012 Did you take a whore bath in the holy water? 144 00:06:01,099 --> 00:06:02,927 He told us to be honest! 145 00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:05,495 [sighs] Do you know how many acts of Christian charity 146 00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,149 I'm gonna have to do to work my way 147 00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:08,585 back to the front of the sanctuary? 148 00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,239 This is not my fault! 149 00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:12,720 Well, it's your name I'll be cursing every Saturday 150 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:15,984 while I'm spooning out Beefaroni to a pack of smelly hobos! 151 00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:18,552 What was I supposed to do? Just sit there and lie to a priest? 152 00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:22,556 That's exactlywhat you do. 153 00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:26,124 You say you covet your neighbor's new leaf blower 154 00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:28,431 not that you want to clean his colon with it! 155 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,087 Every good Catholic knows that. 156 00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:36,352 [instrumental music] 157 00:06:38,136 --> 00:06:39,964 I can't believe this, one month before the wedding 158 00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:41,575 and we lose the church. 159 00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,664 And there's no other places available? 160 00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:46,014 Oh, the senior center said we can get married there. 161 00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:47,319 Good news, they have a dance floor. 162 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,887 Bad news, lots of people have died on it. 163 00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:53,978 I got a buddy who'd let you use his warehouse. 164 00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,763 Beautiful space 165 00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:58,330 if you can tolerate near-freezing temperatures 166 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,420 and a few pig carcasses. 167 00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:03,858 Oh, good, that covers old and rotting. 168 00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:07,296 Now I just need something borrowed and blue. 169 00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:10,386 Don't get mad at me just 'cause you got lippy with a priest. 170 00:07:10,473 --> 00:07:12,867 Yeah, sweetie, you got to be careful with that bunch. 171 00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:14,390 They can't have sex with women 172 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,697 so they got to find another way to stick it to you. 173 00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:19,787 I didn't do anything wrong. 174 00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:22,050 "Thou shalt not tell a lie." And I didn't. 175 00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,444 No, I think you're thinking of George Washington, honey. 176 00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:29,274 The Bible's chockfull of little fibs and out-and-out BS. 177 00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,148 Yeah, I mean a guy gets swallowed by a whale 178 00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:34,541 and lives to tell about it? 179 00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,804 I don't think so. 180 00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:39,850 Vin, you're confusing the Bible with Pinocchio again. 181 00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:45,377 Which one had the talking cricket? 182 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,381 I'm going out for a beer. I'll be back in a while. 183 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,079 What are you talking about? 184 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:53,037 You need to help me find us a place to get married. 185 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,517 Hey, how about the church I grew up in? 186 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,693 Oh, wait, you kinda blew that for us, didn't you? 187 00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:58,129 Mike, what happened happened. 188 00:07:58,216 --> 00:07:59,174 It didn't have to happen 189 00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:00,567 if you'd just followed my lead. 190 00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,046 Maybe if you talked a little less and listened 191 00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:04,048 a little more, we wouldn't be in this mess. 192 00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:06,660 - Really? - Okay. 193 00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:09,445 - Nighty-night, kids. - Sleep tight. 194 00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:10,968 Look, I don't want to have a big fight. 195 00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,928 Oh, it is too late for that. 196 00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:15,277 So you're saying you want me 197 00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:16,713 to just smile and keep my trap shut? 198 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,193 That's not what I said. 199 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,716 But that's what you're thinking, isn't it? 200 00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,326 Yes, but I have the good sense not to say it. 201 00:08:21,413 --> 00:08:23,415 You see how easy it is! 202 00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:27,681 Molly and I had a fight. 203 00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:30,161 Well, this is your home and you're always welcome. 204 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,423 You have to sleep on the couch, though. 205 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,425 I gave your old room to Jim. 206 00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,733 [instrumental music] 207 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:41,521 [instrumental music] 208 00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,828 I'll have a Denver omelet with buttered toast 209 00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,003 and a glass of OJ. 210 00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:48,005 Water and Alka-Seltzer for me. 211 00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:50,181 Oh, a nasty food hangover, huh? 212 00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:53,184 May I recommend a little hair of the 12 hot dogs that bit you? 213 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:58,015 For your information, I did not have one single hot dog. 214 00:08:58,102 --> 00:09:00,496 He had two tubes of cookie dough, one cooked and one not 215 00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:02,759 and two chicken pot pies.. 216 00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:05,806 ...also one cooked and one not. 217 00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:07,590 Why do I even tell you this stuff? 218 00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,810 You didn't. I guessed it by the smell of your burps. 219 00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:15,424 FYI, the walk-in freezer has a padlock and a security camera. 220 00:09:15,511 --> 00:09:17,208 Don't embarrass yourself. 221 00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:20,690 So, you're telling me the wedding is off now? 222 00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:22,823 No, we just have to find a new place to have it. 223 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:25,390 And there's a 50-50 chance that I won't even be invited. 224 00:09:27,262 --> 00:09:30,265 Well, I'm just asking 'cause you know how tight my schedule is. 225 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:33,921 That's the first thing I thought of when my life fell apart. 226 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:37,185 "Will Carl have to reschedule his fantasy baseball draft?" 227 00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:40,667 No, you can't reschedule the draft. That's my point. 228 00:09:40,754 --> 00:09:43,060 I didn't even want a big church wedding, but she did 229 00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:44,888 so I went along with it, 'cause I'm a get-along guy. 230 00:09:44,975 --> 00:09:46,455 Like most men are, you know why you never hear 231 00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:47,761 the phrase "get-along girl?" 232 00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:50,590 'Cause there's never been one. 233 00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,374 They have to let everybody know what they're thinking. 234 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,768 They get a bad haircut, the whole world has to know. 235 00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,509 Me, I just let you make fun of me till it grows out. 236 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,643 Nah, I know what you mean. 237 00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:01,949 Christina's also very vocal. 238 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:03,646 The other day she had to call out some guy 239 00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:04,952 in the nine-items-or-less aisle. 240 00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:06,606 Why can't they just let that go? 241 00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,564 Especially when the offending shopper is a big biker 242 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,958 with crazy eyes and 14 boxes of Sudafed. 243 00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:17,094 You know what Molly does? She shushes people at the movies. 244 00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:18,879 - Oh, no, she's one of those? - Yeah. 245 00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,663 The other night there was this young couple 246 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:23,057 in front of us and the woman was yammering on about something. 247 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:26,234 Just tell me this, were they black? 248 00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:28,062 Well, that's not the point of the story, Carl. 249 00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:29,585 But, yes, of course they were black. 250 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,413 Damn. 251 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,762 I try to lead by example 252 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:34,721 but my people simply will not follow. 253 00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:40,640 Anyway, Molly starts in with the shushing but they ignored it. 254 00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,554 Yeah, then she leans in with a "Do you mind?" 255 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,688 Which translates to "Hey, wanna punch my fat boyfriend?" 256 00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:48,386 Mmm, so, how did it end? 257 00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:51,694 I had a grape soda tossed at my face by woman named Shaniqua. 258 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,351 Still better than having a meth-head biker 259 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:59,223 make fun of your tiny ears and your hemorrhoid cream. 260 00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:01,922 By the way, if Christina ever asks, you have hemorrhoids. 261 00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,273 [instrumental music] 262 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,535 - Did Mike call? - No. 263 00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:08,668 - Oh. - But my pot dealer did. 264 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,539 He said if you want to, you can have your wedding 265 00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,194 in his basement grow room. 266 00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:15,849 Well, at least the lighting will be good. 267 00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,198 Put a pin in that on the off chance 268 00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,895 that we do actually get married. 269 00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:21,637 Oh, come on, Moll, this is just pre-wedding jitters. 270 00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,073 You and Mike love each other. 271 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,379 You're gonna work it out. 272 00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,554 Hey, I'm not gonna apologize 273 00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:26,903 for being an opinionated person. 274 00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,731 It's who I am and it's not gonna change. 275 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:29,906 - Certainly hasn't so far. - Hey! 276 00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,474 And that's good. 277 00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:33,954 Yeah, damn right it's good. 278 00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:36,217 I deserve a man who appreciates me for who I am 279 00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:38,306 straight-shootin' Molly Flynn. 280 00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:40,612 - Sassy, brassy, kiss my ass-y. - Exactly. 281 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,963 If he wants some little quiet wallflower 282 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,616 to cook him dinner and laugh at his jokes 283 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,227 he can go look somewhere else for that. 284 00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:48,272 - Can't put Baby in a corner. - No, you cannot. 285 00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:51,188 And if you try to do it, Baby's gonna bite. 286 00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:52,973 So what are you gonna do, call off the wedding? 287 00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,714 No, you're gonna call your pot dealer, I'm gonna call 288 00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,063 the bakery and have them turn a wedding cake 289 00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,413 into a thousand cupcakes. 290 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,937 [instrumental music] 291 00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:04,593 Listen, he's my son and he's only gonna be here a few days. 292 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:05,768 You're still my favorite 293 00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,901 so quit crapping on the bath mat. 294 00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,600 Don't pretend it wasn't you. 295 00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:14,255 I'm old, but I can still clutch my mud. 296 00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:19,260 Hey, mom. 297 00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:21,523 What did I just say? 298 00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,003 How was your day, boy? 299 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,874 - Fine. Did Molly call? - No, she didn't. 300 00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:26,310 And you're not gonna call her 301 00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:28,486 'cause you got nothing to apologize for. 302 00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,662 I don't know. I might have overreacted a little. 303 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,187 Hey, nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. 304 00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:34,841 You don't want to walk into a marriage 305 00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,017 crawling around on all fours. 306 00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:39,454 Are we gonna go nose-to-nose all night? 307 00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:43,937 - Something smells good. - Made your favorite. 308 00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,895 Tuna noodle casserole with two cans 309 00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,418 of Pringles crumbled on top. 310 00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:49,420 One regular, one cool ranch. 311 00:12:49,507 --> 00:12:51,422 And you cooked it so the noodles got a little crunchy? 312 00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,033 'Just the way you like it.' 313 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,731 I also made a batch of chocolate peanut butter brownies. 314 00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,646 We'll put on the feed bag and watch that show 315 00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:59,648 about the two girls and a horse. 316 00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,216 Sounds good. 317 00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:03,347 What are you doing? 318 00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:05,175 Just checking my phone messages. 319 00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:08,744 Boy, she's really got you by the skin pickle, doesn't she? 320 00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:13,140 Know what, mom? You need to back off. 321 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,707 All I'm saying is, if you're really gonna marry this woman 322 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,448 she needs to know who's boss. 323 00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:19,407 I don't want to be her boss. I want to be her husband. 324 00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:22,018 What you're acting like is her damn lapdog. 325 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,759 Not everything is about you. 326 00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:26,806 - Can we just eat? - I don't know. 327 00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:29,765 Why don't you call your fiance and ask her if you're hungry? 328 00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:32,159 Alright, Mom, you are treading on very thin ice. 329 00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:34,901 I didn't raise you to spend your life getting browbeaten 330 00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,381 by some loudmouth harpy. 331 00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:38,948 At some point, you're gonna have to 332 00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:40,950 grow a pair and say "Enough is enough." 333 00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:43,387 You know what, mom? You're right. Enough is enough! 334 00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:46,173 I'm sick of you butting into my life and bad-mouthing my love! 335 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:49,219 And if you keep it up, you and I are gonna have a real problem! 336 00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:58,011 You can't get along with anybody, can you? 337 00:13:58,098 --> 00:14:00,187 Don't start with me, Carl. I'm not in the mood. 338 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:01,797 You better be nice to me. 339 00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:04,104 Because you're running out of houses. 340 00:14:04,191 --> 00:14:07,237 [instrumental music] 341 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,370 Mmm. I will say this about your mom. 342 00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:10,762 For an old, crusty woman 343 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,417 she sure makes a moist, chewy brownie. 344 00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:14,854 You think I chose her house first 345 00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,769 'cause she's so fun to be around? 346 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,728 Look, man, you're welcome to stay here, but eventually 347 00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,338 you and Molly are gonna have to talk this thing out. 348 00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:22,383 Yeah, I know. 349 00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:23,993 See, communication is the glue 350 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,821 that holds a relationship together. 351 00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,170 That and staying out of the bathroom 352 00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:29,303 when she shaves her legs or makes a boom-boom. 353 00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,524 Michael, please tell me you're not trusting 354 00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,875 the delicate machinations of your relationship 355 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,964 to this talking donkey. 356 00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,054 Excuse me. 357 00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,446 I am in a committed relationship now 358 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:43,839 and think I have some valuable insight 359 00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,275 into the male-female dynamic. 360 00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:46,450 Boy, just 'cause you got a ride 361 00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:47,756 on the lucky bus don't mean 362 00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:48,975 you should be teaching other people 363 00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,585 how to drive. 364 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:53,980 I'm gonna get some milk. 365 00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:55,851 Well, use a glass this time. 366 00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:58,419 'Cause if I hear that milk jug crinkle from you sucking on it 367 00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:01,291 I'm going Buster Douglas on the side of your head. 368 00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:07,994 Thanks for letting me stay here tonight, nana. 369 00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,257 Oh, you're welcome here anytime, Michael. 370 00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:12,694 But I hate to think of that pretty little girl of yours 371 00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,522 fretting and worrying about you. 372 00:15:14,609 --> 00:15:17,264 I don't wanna hurt her. I'm just afraid that we're too different. 373 00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:18,961 Well, different is good. 374 00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:20,745 Yeah, but she's got to have an opinion about everything. 375 00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:23,183 If she sees something wrong, she gotta say something about it. 376 00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:25,011 And what would you prefer her to do? 377 00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:28,144 Sit back, smile, and pretend like everything's okay? 378 00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,798 That's what I do. 379 00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:32,366 And that's what you were doing before you met her. 380 00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:34,629 Sitting in that sad little apartment 381 00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:38,111 50 pounds heavier, pretending everything was okay. 382 00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:40,809 God, I was a mess. 383 00:15:40,896 --> 00:15:42,332 And if that woman had just shut up 384 00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:44,030 and left well enough alone 385 00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:45,945 you'd still be a mess. 386 00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,990 Standing in your kitchen 387 00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:52,125 drinking milk right out of the jug like I told you not to! 388 00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:01,221 Damn, old woman, you got ears like a bat. 389 00:16:06,574 --> 00:16:07,575 Mm. 390 00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:11,231 You've got a good, strong woman there. 391 00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:14,408 And you don't love her in spite of what she is. 392 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,237 You love her because of what she is. 393 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:21,850 [chuckles] 394 00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:23,983 I better get home and help Molly find a place 395 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,810 for us to have our wedding. 396 00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:28,248 Well, if you need a church, the First Baptist 397 00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:30,946 is always happy to open its doors to a young couple. 398 00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:31,991 Really? 399 00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:33,209 As long as your check clears 400 00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:34,254 and you keep your drinking 401 00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:35,820 to the parking lot. 402 00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:39,911 No problem. Molly's mom can drink anywhere. 403 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,826 [laughing] 404 00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:44,873 That was really nice of you, grandma. 405 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,744 Well, him I can fix. 406 00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:50,226 You're like a bad rash that always needs gas money. 407 00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:54,752 We're out of milk. 408 00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:59,714 Just make me so mad, I could just.. 409 00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,803 [instrumental music] 410 00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,677 [instrumental music] 411 00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,767 Sweetie, I-I want to apologize again 412 00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:11,334 for the way I spoke to you. 413 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,857 I'm sorry for telling you not to let the door 414 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,598 hit you in the butt on the way out. 415 00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:15,904 You actually said "ass." 416 00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:18,211 Do we want to replay the game tapes? 417 00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,257 No, ma'am, we do not. 418 00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:23,259 But don't worry, I promise, this time 419 00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:25,435 I'll let you do most of the talking. 420 00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:29,091 Hey, your honest, assertive nature is what I love about you 421 00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:31,006 and what makes us a great team. 422 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:32,442 Thanks, sweetie. 423 00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,097 But just to be on the safe side 424 00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:36,925 I should probably take the lead on this. 425 00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,493 Good morning. Morning. 426 00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,277 Morning. 427 00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,671 So, Sister Rosetta tells me 428 00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:47,283 that you two would like to get married in our sanctuary. 429 00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,285 Are either one of you Baptist? 430 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:50,721 Uh.. 431 00:17:50,808 --> 00:17:52,158 We're not. 432 00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:53,550 But if it's a deal-breaker 433 00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,813 take me to the river and dunk me in the water. 434 00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:58,860 Well, that won't be necessary. 435 00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,602 The only requirement here is you have faith in God. 436 00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:04,213 And a $1,200 check made out to cash. 437 00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:09,523 So we don't have to pretend to be Baptist or.. 438 00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:12,134 ...black or.. 439 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:15,398 Well, you can if you want. It's your wedding. 440 00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:19,054 And if you are gonna pretend to be black, you'll want our choir. 441 00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:21,796 And that's an extra $400. 442 00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:24,015 - Amen, brother. - Hallelujah. 443 00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:27,845 You know, I-I had a great-great grandmother 444 00:18:27,932 --> 00:18:29,978 that was half-black, half-Cherokee. 445 00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:31,110 Really? 446 00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:34,504 No. I don't know why I just said that. 447 00:18:34,591 --> 00:18:36,419 I should just shut up. 448 00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:40,293 [instrumental music] 449 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,952 [theme music]