1 00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:02,872 [instrumental music] 2 00:00:04,482 --> 00:00:06,528 I can't decide between a veil or a hat. 3 00:00:06,615 --> 00:00:08,269 I mean, I wanna look elegant, but with a, you know 4 00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:10,793 sense of whimsy. Traditional, but fun. 5 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:12,838 Maybe they have one of those beer can hats 6 00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:17,234 but for champagne flutes. That's elegant and fun. 7 00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:19,628 Victoria, my wedding is in three weeks and you're either 8 00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:22,065 part of the problem or you're part of the solution. 9 00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:24,589 Don't upset your sister. 10 00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,722 I think the veil you're wearing is gorgeous. 11 00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:28,811 - I hate it. - I hate it too. 12 00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:31,205 Here we are. 13 00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:32,945 [in unison] Oh! 14 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:37,037 - It's so beautiful. - Amazing. 15 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:40,040 Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna cry. 16 00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:43,652 Where the hell are the wrist loops to carry the train? 17 00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:45,828 The seamstress will add those after this final fitting. 18 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,699 Information, communication. 19 00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:49,658 That is the only way this is gonna work. 20 00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:53,966 Just fork it over. 21 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,578 She's got a little case of the pre-wedding jitters. 22 00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:59,407 Yeah, this morning, she made the florist cry. 23 00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:02,410 He said it was allergies, but we all knew. 24 00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:04,194 What we're saying is, it's been a long day already 25 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:07,589 so keep the free hooch flowing. 26 00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:09,112 I'll grab you another bottle. 27 00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,853 Just so you know, three is the limit. 28 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:13,029 Then three it shall be. 29 00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,250 [sighs] 30 00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:18,730 Appreciate you coming along with us today. 31 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,123 Having an eyewitness kept me from killing her 32 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:21,516 about four times. 33 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:24,736 Do what you need to do, mom. I'm no snitch. 34 00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:26,695 She's gonna be a beautiful bride, though, isn't she? 35 00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:28,218 Oh. Absolutely. 36 00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:31,569 - So happy for her. - Yeah. 37 00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:34,224 Until about two years ago, I'd have bet cash money 38 00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:36,487 she was gonna be one of those cranky, old spinsters 39 00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:39,795 in sensible shoes and a boy's haircut. 40 00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,101 Living in a mobile home 41 00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:43,538 filled with stacks of old Redbook magazines 42 00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:46,584 and 25 uncaged parakeets. 43 00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,064 We'd go visit her on the weekends. 44 00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,414 And walk through her gauntlet of wind chimes 45 00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:53,765 and dream catchers, ignoring the health department citations 46 00:01:53,852 --> 00:01:55,898 and her prominent chin whiskers. 47 00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,511 - Ta-da! - There she is. 48 00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:02,818 The most beautiful bride in the whole world. 49 00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:06,822 - Not too shabby, right? - You look amazing. 50 00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:08,606 Let's get you zipped up. 51 00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:12,654 Okay. 52 00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,483 Alright. 53 00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:17,093 Oh! 54 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,747 Looks like we might need to let this out just a smidge. 55 00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:20,792 No, you won't, I am just a few pounds 56 00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:22,446 from my target weight and when I set a goal 57 00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:24,361 for myself, I-I reach it. 58 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,276 Honey, the wedding is in three weeks. 59 00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:28,017 Which means I'm right on schedule. 60 00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:30,802 I am gonna drop those last six pounds 61 00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,717 easy peasy lemon squeezy. 62 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,066 Of course you will! 63 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,460 Those six pounds will be your bitch. 64 00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:37,940 Damn right, they will. 65 00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:39,550 Now, why don't you go get changed 66 00:02:39,637 --> 00:02:41,770 and I'll take my two girls out for a nice lunch. 67 00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,859 Lunch? I have six pounds to lose. 68 00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:46,035 Am I in this by myself? 69 00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,169 Back up. Back up. 70 00:02:52,215 --> 00:02:54,261 We're going to need that third bottle in a to-go bag. 71 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,786 ♪ For the first time ♪ 72 00:02:57,873 --> 00:03:01,268 ♪ In my life ♪ 73 00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:04,358 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 74 00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:18,285 [alarm ringing] 75 00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:20,765 Mike, come on. Get out of bed. 76 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:22,854 What's wrong? Is the house on fire? 77 00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:25,727 Wake me when it gets to the stairs. 78 00:03:25,814 --> 00:03:28,599 Get up. You and I are going for a two-mile run. 79 00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:31,167 Alright, sweetie, I think you're sleepwalking. 80 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,603 Just climb back into bed 81 00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,475 and don't pee in the clothes hamper. 82 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:38,261 We are getting married in three weeks 83 00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,089 and you and I are gonna tone up. 84 00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:42,570 Hey, we Biggs don't tone, and we don't tan. 85 00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:44,224 We burn, and we stroke out. 86 00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,749 [grunting] And three. 87 00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:50,186 Let's do this. 88 00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:52,710 [instrumental music] 89 00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,365 Honey roasted peanuts. 90 00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:56,932 You think Molly will be tempted by these? 91 00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,107 You remember what happened the last time 92 00:03:58,194 --> 00:03:59,456 she starved herself. 93 00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:01,893 She ate half a jar of my avocado face scrub. 94 00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:04,940 In her defense, it does look like guacamole. 95 00:04:05,027 --> 00:04:06,681 That may be but a sane woman 96 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,335 doesn't dig around her mother's makeup kit 97 00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:09,684 looking for a snack. 98 00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,122 What's going on? 99 00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:15,385 Molly's trying to drop six pounds before the wedding 100 00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,605 so we're getting rid of everything but ice and onions. 101 00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:20,303 If she's really serious about this weight loss thing 102 00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:21,609 starving herself is not the answer. 103 00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,306 Oh, she's exercising too. 104 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,395 She's out right now jogging around the neighborhood. 105 00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,223 Not talking diet and exercise. 106 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,094 I'm referring to the weight loss miracle 107 00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,314 known as horse laxatives. 108 00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,142 - Vince, don't be an ass. - I'm serious. 109 00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:35,362 I got a jockey buddy who sometimes has to drop 110 00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,320 five pounds in six hours. 111 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:40,758 All he needs is one cap full of hiyo, silver and a good book. 112 00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:43,544 [door opens] 113 00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,199 Two and a half miles. Pretty good. 114 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,114 Tomorrow, we'll go for three. 115 00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:51,247 I thought we were supposed to...take a day off. 116 00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,684 You know, let the muscles.. 117 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,730 ...reattach themselves to the bone. 118 00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:58,428 No, you can't have a day off. 119 00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,125 It's all about speeding up your metabolism. 120 00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:01,997 Now, I'm gonna go take a shower and make us 121 00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:04,304 a nice, healthy smoothie out of beets, carrots and kale. 122 00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,175 That's my reward for running in the dark 123 00:05:06,262 --> 00:05:08,612 and giving myself a two and a half mile wedgie? 124 00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,224 It's all yours. 125 00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:15,924 - Really? - Yeah. 126 00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,621 But eat it behind the garage. 127 00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:19,275 God bless you. 128 00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:22,409 [instrumental music] 129 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,327 That is your fifth cup of coffee. 130 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,632 You better have an empty milk jug in the car 131 00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,112 'cause I'm not spending my entire day 132 00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:33,333 trying to find porta-potties and big trees. 133 00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,204 Molly dragged me out of bed at 5 o'clock 134 00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,423 this morning to go jogging. 135 00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:37,946 Oh, that was you? 136 00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:39,034 I have to call my roommates and tell them 137 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:40,514 it wasn't Godzilla. 138 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:42,994 I have hot coffee in my hand 139 00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:45,519 and I'm going on about five hours of sleep. 140 00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,042 Boy, someone woke up on the wrong side of Tokyo 141 00:05:47,129 --> 00:05:48,435 this morning. 142 00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:51,742 I'm guessing this new fitness regime 143 00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,440 has something to do with your impending nuptials. 144 00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,311 She's driving me crazy, Carl. 145 00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:56,443 I don't know why she's making 146 00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:58,140 such a big deal out of a wedding. 147 00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:00,534 Hey, this is a huge milestone in a woman's life. 148 00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:02,100 It's something she's been dreaming and fantasizing 149 00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:03,450 about since she was a young girl. 150 00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:04,755 But it's just one day. 151 00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:06,757 One day she will remember forever. 152 00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:08,542 For me and you, that's like the first time 153 00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,065 we ever saw a real-life naked boob. 154 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,067 October 6, 1988. 155 00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,810 Joy Harmon was her name. 156 00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:17,768 She was the first girl in our class to get boobs 157 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:20,249 and I was the third guy to see them. 158 00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,859 And I bet you the time leading up to that was filled 159 00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:22,860 with hope and expectation. 160 00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:23,992 Oh, God, yes. 161 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,036 She told me at lunch I could 162 00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:26,516 see one of them after school. 163 00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,213 I remember it was pizza day and I left half of it 164 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,432 on my plate. 165 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,042 Hey, that speaks volumes right there. 166 00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:33,393 When the bell rang, I ran 167 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,611 to meet her underneath the bleachers. 168 00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:36,221 My heart was pounding with anticipation. 169 00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:37,527 Of course it was. 170 00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:38,746 There can be no other first time 171 00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,225 and you wanted it to be perfect. 172 00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:41,662 And it was. 173 00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,141 I could tell she liked me 'cause she showed me 174 00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,708 the second one without me even asking. 175 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,710 And that's after I drooled all over the first one. 176 00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:49,104 Mmm. Yeah. 177 00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:50,845 Can't see one without the other. 178 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:53,630 It's like the "Kill Bill" movies. 179 00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:56,111 They were like two perfect pieces of flan. 180 00:06:56,198 --> 00:07:00,245 You know, if you put a Hershey's kiss on each one. 181 00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:01,943 Now, if you'd like to get into your bride's head 182 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:04,511 a little bit, just change boobs to holy matrimony 183 00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,208 and you can understand where she's coming from. 184 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:08,036 Wow, I always knew it was important to her 185 00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:10,517 but I never realized it consumed her every thought 186 00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:13,345 and dictated her every action. 187 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,173 Well, sometimes you gotta step back and look at things 188 00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:17,872 from an intellectual standpoint. 189 00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,351 Thanks for helping me understand. 190 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,831 No problem. 191 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,616 So I'm guessing Joy Harmon is the reason 192 00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:24,705 you always order two pieces of flan? 193 00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:27,925 You know, I hope one day Molly gets me the way you do. 194 00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,322 Alright, here we go. 195 00:07:34,279 --> 00:07:35,498 Oh.. 196 00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:38,675 Feeling good. Feeling good. 197 00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:40,895 Feeling good. Oh.. 198 00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:43,767 Whoops. 199 00:07:43,854 --> 00:07:46,466 Hello, old friend. We meet again. 200 00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:51,993 Alright, stop. Stop. 201 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,777 Stop, stop! 202 00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,736 Son of a bitch! 203 00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,566 'Liar!' 204 00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,785 Uh-oh. She's arguing with the scale again. 205 00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:03,787 Just so you know, when the pothead ties the knot 206 00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:06,137 we're gonna go live in a hotel. Probably Europe. 207 00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:08,183 [Molly] 'Mom!' 208 00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:09,619 Down here, sweetie. 209 00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:12,535 Hide the chips and try not to piss her off. 210 00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,015 The smoothie you made me for dinner tonight 211 00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:16,104 did you put banana in it? 212 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:19,194 'Cause I specifically said no banana! 213 00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:20,978 Well, if you said no banana 214 00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:23,241 then there was not a banana in there. 215 00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:24,678 There were two bananas in the kitchen. 216 00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:25,940 If I go in there right now 217 00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:27,463 are there still going to be two bananas? 218 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:30,074 - Vince ate them. - No, I didn't. I hate bananas. 219 00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:33,904 They got a weird texture, and they make me look apish. 220 00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:37,081 You look apish holding a pen! 221 00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:39,562 One banana's not gonna kill you, sweetie. 222 00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:42,434 It's pure starch, and my glycemic index spikes. 223 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,480 I mean, you might as well fill the blender with fudge. 224 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,221 'You're all trying to sabotage me.' 225 00:08:46,308 --> 00:08:48,919 Don't even, pal. I see you. 226 00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,617 Hi, hon. Did you have a good day? 227 00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:52,357 Grab your gym bag. We're taking a spinning class. 228 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,272 I just walked in the door. 229 00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:56,971 For the love of God, grab your bag and get her outta here! 230 00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,234 If she looks in the trash and finds two banana peels 231 00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:00,844 we're all dead! 232 00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,456 [instrumental music] 233 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,458 You realize this is a nightmare for me. 234 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,244 I'm a fat guy in a little room on a bike that goes nowhere. 235 00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:10,375 You don't get on that bike 236 00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:11,507 you're gonna have a new nightmare. 237 00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:13,335 Alright, let's mount up. 238 00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,642 Oh, good, the seats are really small. 239 00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:21,256 Remember not to stay in the saddle the whole time. 240 00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:23,737 You need to move up and down and lift with your core. 241 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:29,351 This should put me on the fast track to erectile dysfunction. 242 00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,962 I thank you for that. 243 00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:33,964 - Molly? - Yeah. 244 00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:36,663 It's Allison. We met at OA a couple years ago. 245 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:40,797 Oh, my God. Allison. Well, you look great. 246 00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,494 What'd you lose, like 40 pounds? 247 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,106 - Fifty-two. - Fifty-two. 248 00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:47,587 It took me almost three years, but I did it. 249 00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:50,764 Well, I'm, I'm happy for you, seriously. 250 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,679 Oh, this is, uh, my fiance, Mike. 251 00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:54,289 Hi. 252 00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,726 - Doesn't she look great? - Sure. 253 00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,380 Fifty-two pounds. 254 00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:01,949 Well, you set a goal and you hit it. Bully for you. 255 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:03,603 The key is not to try and lose it too quick. 256 00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:06,780 Absolutely. Yeah. 257 00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:10,131 That's what I'm always trying to tell this guy over here. 258 00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,524 Slow and steady wins the race. Don't I always say that? 259 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:16,528 She does. Never in this context, but it's a good rule anywhere. 260 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,661 Those crash diets never work, you try starving yourself 261 00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,228 you just end up gaining more weight. 262 00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:24,493 Right. I say that too. That's.. Yeah, yeah. 263 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,973 Oh! 264 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:30,412 I-I forgot my sports bra in the car. I, uh.. 265 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:31,979 Looks like I'm wearing one but that's just 266 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:34,242 'cause they're naturally...perky. 267 00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:36,070 - Excuse me. - Where you going? 268 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,158 Are you coming back? 269 00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:38,725 [upbeat music] 270 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,814 Welcome, everybody. Let's wake those legs up. 271 00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:43,077 Spin away the cares of the day. 272 00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,339 - 'In the saddle..' - Ow! 273 00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:45,645 [female #1] 'Out of the saddle.' 274 00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:46,863 - 'In the saddle..' - Ow! 275 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:47,908 [female #1] 'Out of the saddle.' 276 00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,170 - 'In the the saddle..' - Ow! 277 00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:50,606 [female #1] 'Out of the saddle.' 278 00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:52,434 [siren wailing in distance] 279 00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:57,308 "The key is tryin' to try and not to lose it too quick." 280 00:10:57,395 --> 00:10:59,136 So smug. 281 00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:01,530 She has a tiny ass and one chin. 282 00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,669 Come on, Biggs. 283 00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:11,627 I know you've got candy in here somewhere. 284 00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:19,287 Come on, think like Mike, think like Mike, think like Mike. 285 00:11:23,552 --> 00:11:25,336 Bup-bup-bup. 286 00:11:25,423 --> 00:11:27,208 Jackpot! 287 00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,951 [rustling wrapper] 288 00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,785 Thought you had me, didn't you? 289 00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:41,701 Not this time, you fun-sized son of a bitch. 290 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,316 Hey. Oh. 291 00:11:48,403 --> 00:11:50,405 Excuse me. You hit my car. 292 00:11:50,492 --> 00:11:53,190 Sorry, it's covered in dents already and my car's fine 293 00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:54,757 so no big whoop. 294 00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,454 Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa. It's a whoop. 295 00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,066 It's a very big whoop. 296 00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:01,198 Come on, I'm late for spin class. 297 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:04,985 And, FYI, this parking lot is for gym members only. 298 00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:07,770 Well, FYI, I am a gym member. 299 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,685 [chuckles] Of course you are. 300 00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:12,166 Look, how about I give you five dollars 301 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,908 buy yourself a slice of pizza, we'll call it even. 302 00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,871 [car alarm wailing] 303 00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:23,655 Now we're even! 304 00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:29,009 You think you're so smart, don't you? 305 00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,575 My boyfriend's a cop. 306 00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:32,752 He still needs a cheat sheet for the microwave! 307 00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:35,755 - Molly? - 'Mike!' 308 00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:38,627 - Molly! - 'Mike!' 309 00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:40,934 Molly, you've got my keys! 310 00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:43,414 Ow! Ow! Ow.. 311 00:12:46,417 --> 00:12:48,506 [dramatic music] 312 00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:56,688 I can't believe this! 313 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,299 I've never been arrested in my life. 314 00:12:58,386 --> 00:13:00,083 What'd you do? 315 00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:02,782 This woman in the parking lot got very snotty with me 316 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:06,437 I accidentally kicked off her side view mirror. 317 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,919 I admire your restraint. 318 00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:13,183 I once bit off a woman's earlobe for giving me a bad manicure. 319 00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:18,623 Well, there's, uh...nothing worse than a bad manicure. 320 00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,278 Yeah, I couldn't speak Korean 321 00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,280 so I opted for the universal language of 322 00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,239 "I'm biting your ear off, bitch!" 323 00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:30,635 Sure, a girl's gotta make her point. 324 00:13:32,463 --> 00:13:35,162 If the gal's on angel dust and bathtub crack 325 00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,033 it could take four cops and a dog 326 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,992 to get her off her soapbox. 327 00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,125 So what's your poison? 328 00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:43,779 Well, I've.. 329 00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,955 ...been on kind of a crazy juice fast. 330 00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,739 And.. 331 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,090 ...I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm-I'm tweaking pretty bad. 332 00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:56,531 Oh, I am never so mean as when I am hungry. 333 00:13:56,618 --> 00:13:58,750 I did four days on Jenny Craig 334 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,231 lit my boyfriend's legs on fire. 335 00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,494 Oh, my God. 336 00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:05,061 I was actually aiming for his junk 337 00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:07,237 but the welding torch sparked. 338 00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:10,850 Those things can be tricky. 339 00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:14,288 Other than that, though 340 00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:16,768 did you have any success on Jenny Craig? 341 00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:23,340 You know what, portion control ain't my strong suit. 342 00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:25,255 Tell me about it, when I open a can of Pringles 343 00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:27,214 I don't stop till I hit dust. 344 00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:31,000 I'm just so emotional lately 345 00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:32,784 and I'm getting married in three weeks 346 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,917 and I've been acting crazy. 347 00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:37,311 That's a stressful time. 348 00:14:37,398 --> 00:14:39,313 Lots of couples can't take the pressure. 349 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,707 Especially if you lit the groom-to-be's legs on fire. 350 00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:49,366 I can see how that might give a fella cold feet. 351 00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,151 Ironically. 352 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,632 I-I just don't wanna give up. 353 00:14:54,719 --> 00:14:57,200 I've set a goal for myself and, my God, I wanna meet it. 354 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,639 Hopefully without killing somebody. 355 00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:03,990 Or paying somebody else to do it for you. 356 00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:07,776 I didn't hear a thing. 357 00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:11,127 [instrumental music] 358 00:15:13,129 --> 00:15:15,566 Oh. So, is everything okay? 359 00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,264 The woman agreed to drop the charges 360 00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:19,744 if I paid for a new side view mirror and a new brake light. 361 00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:22,486 That brake light was broken before I kicked it! 362 00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,620 I said I believe you. 363 00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,665 Now, why don't you run upstairs and take a shower. 364 00:15:27,752 --> 00:15:30,364 Not that he's trying to tell you what to do. 365 00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:32,627 Nah, I would never do that. Shower if you want. 366 00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:34,107 I mean, you did sit in somebody's pee 367 00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,413 but it's your call. 368 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,589 I'm gonna go take a shower. 369 00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:44,291 I don't know who that woman is! 370 00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:45,814 Keep your voice down. 371 00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,990 And if you're gonna cry, cry in the kitchen. 372 00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:49,470 Thought I was marrying a sweet little schoolteacher 373 00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:51,733 not some car-kicking lunatic. 374 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,126 There's three weeks until the wedding 375 00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:54,954 and Molly's already been thrown in the pokey. 376 00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:58,305 At this rate, our honeymoon's gonna be a conjugal visit! 377 00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,698 Ow! 378 00:16:00,785 --> 00:16:02,613 Buck up and sit down! 379 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,311 Great, she's a kicker and you're a hitter. 380 00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:06,530 What kind of family am I marrying into? 381 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,228 A loving, supportive one. 382 00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:10,099 And we are gonna help my little angel 383 00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:11,971 look her best for her wedding. 384 00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:13,102 What if she doesn't lose the weight? 385 00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:14,321 What if the dress doesn't fit? 386 00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:16,062 That is not an option! 387 00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:20,196 Please don't hit me again. 388 00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:21,850 Look, I've been through this with her before. 389 00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:23,373 She gets her mind set on something 390 00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:25,462 and God help anything that gets in her way. 391 00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:26,942 Wait, so she's acted this way before? 392 00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,249 Oh. Are you kidding me? 393 00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:33,122 Prom, senior picture day, and one God-awful summer 394 00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:36,386 when she decided to master the accordion. 395 00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:37,997 I didn't know she could play the accordion. 396 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:41,652 Umh, second runner-up, Cook County Polka Festival 397 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,090 pre-teen division. 398 00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:46,788 Three worst days of my life. 399 00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,095 So are you gonna go talk to her? 400 00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,879 I've had a lifetime of talking to her. 401 00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:53,882 You're gonna be her husband, so now it's your turn. 402 00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:55,492 Take this to your future bride. 403 00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:57,059 Sleepy time tea. 404 00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,670 - Always calms her down. - Okay. 405 00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:02,412 Sometimes I find it's helpful to drop an Ambien in 406 00:17:02,499 --> 00:17:04,458 just to make sure crazy goes night-night. 407 00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:12,596 What the hell? Nobody gains weight in prison! 408 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,560 Knock, knock. 409 00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:21,170 Brought you your tea. 410 00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,042 Put an ice cube in there so it's not so hot 411 00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:25,696 in case you spill it or it gets thrown. 412 00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:29,439 You think I'm crazy, don't you? 413 00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:31,789 What? I don't think that. I certainly wouldn't say that. 414 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,965 If I did, who'd be the crazy one then, right? 415 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:36,838 I'm so caught up in this wedding 416 00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:39,623 and I know I'm driving everybody nuts. 417 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,147 You've been a little off your game 418 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,062 but I don't think anyone else has noticed. 419 00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:45,194 Come on. 420 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,935 Few cops, couple of eyewitnesses 421 00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:49,546 but for all they know, you're like that all the time. 422 00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:53,289 I'm sorry to put you through all this. 423 00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:56,640 I just, I wanted to look perfect for you on our wedding day. 424 00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:00,427 Are you kidding? 425 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:03,908 You look perfect to me all the time. 426 00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:05,693 Whether it's just waking up in the morning 427 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:07,608 wearing one of my football jerseys 428 00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:10,698 or cleaning the garage in those goofy-looking overalls 429 00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:13,614 or this whole gypsy fortune-teller thing 430 00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,572 you got going on here. 431 00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:19,489 Listen.. 432 00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,404 ...you don't have to squeeze into some wedding dress 433 00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,927 to look perfect to me. 434 00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:27,193 You're already the most beautiful woman in the world. 435 00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:31,719 - I love you. - I love you too. 436 00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,638 Come on, let's get into bed. 437 00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:39,727 I know better than to argue with a crazy woman. 438 00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:41,163 We gotta get up bright and early if we're gonna get 439 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,469 in those three miles. 440 00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,645 Wait, did you not hear a word I just said? 441 00:18:44,732 --> 00:18:46,299 I am getting married in three weeks and 442 00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:47,822 I'm gonna fit in that freaking wedding dress 443 00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:49,432 if it kills us all! 444 00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:52,696 God, what's it gonna be like when she's pregnant? 445 00:18:52,783 --> 00:18:54,655 - 'Mike!' - Coming! 446 00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,135 [instrumental music] 447 00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,099 - Okay, which button is it? - It's the red one, mother. 448 00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:11,672 Alright, Molly, play it for mommy. 449 00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:13,500 [polka music] 450 00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:19,070 That's beautiful. Is that, uh, "Fra re Jacques?" 451 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,857 "Beer barrel polka," mother. 452 00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:24,641 Wow, it's like having Lawrence Welk 453 00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,861 in the living room. 454 00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:29,951 - Isn't she good, Victoria? - Amazing! 455 00:19:33,737 --> 00:19:35,478 Okay, sweetie, you keep playing. 456 00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,306 Mommy's gonna make us all some lunch. 457 00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:39,656 No, mom, I'm getting to the best part! 458 00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:42,050 You're gonna miss the best part! 459 00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:44,835 Okay, I'll stay. 460 00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:47,708 Victoria, get mama's vodka out of the freezer. 461 00:19:47,795 --> 00:19:49,275 Amazing! 462 00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,932 Tall glass, two cubes! 463 00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,238 [Victoria] 'Amazing!' 464 00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,022 [music continues] 465 00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:06,727 [theme music]