[instrumental music]
I can't decide between a veil or a hat.
I mean, I wanna look elegant, but with a, you know
sense of whimsy. Traditional, but fun.
Maybe they have one of those beer can hats
but for champagne flutes. That's elegant and fun.
Victoria, my wedding is in three weeks and you're either
part of the problem or you're part of the solution.
Don't upset your sister.
I think the veil you're wearing is gorgeous.
- I hate it. - I hate it too.
Here we are.
[in unison] Oh!
- It's so beautiful. - Amazing.
Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna cry.
Where the hell are the wrist loops to carry the train?
The seamstress will add those after this final fitting.
Information, communication.
That is the only way this is gonna work.
Just fork it over.
She's got a little case of the pre-wedding jitters.
Yeah, this morning, she made the florist cry.
He said it was allergies, but we all knew.
What we're saying is, it's been a long day already
so keep the free hooch flowing.
I'll grab you another bottle.
Just so you know, three is the limit.
Then three it shall be.
[sighs]
Appreciate you coming along with us today.
Having an eyewitness kept me from killing her
about four times.
Do what you need to do, mom. I'm no snitch.
She's gonna be a beautiful bride, though, isn't she?
Oh. Absolutely.
- So happy for her. - Yeah.
Until about two years ago, I'd have bet cash money
she was gonna be one of those cranky, old spinsters
in sensible shoes and a boy's haircut.
Living in a mobile home
filled with stacks of old Redbook magazines
and 25 uncaged parakeets.
We'd go visit her on the weekends.
And walk through her gauntlet of wind chimes
and dream catchers, ignoring the health department citations
and her prominent chin whiskers.
- Ta-da! - There she is.
The most beautiful bride in the whole world.
- Not too shabby, right? - You look amazing.
Let's get you zipped up.
Okay.
Alright.
Oh!
Looks like we might need to let this out just a smidge.
No, you won't, I am just a few pounds
from my target weight and when I set a goal
for myself, I-I reach it.
Honey, the wedding is in three weeks.
Which means I'm right on schedule.
I am gonna drop those last six pounds
easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Of course you will!
Those six pounds will be your bitch.
Damn right, they will.
Now, why don't you go get changed
and I'll take my two girls out for a nice lunch.
Lunch? I have six pounds to lose.
Am I in this by myself?
Back up. Back up.
We're going to need that third bottle in a to-go bag.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[alarm ringing]
Mike, come on. Get out of bed.
What's wrong? Is the house on fire?
Wake me when it gets to the stairs.
Get up. You and I are going for a two-mile run.
Alright, sweetie, I think you're sleepwalking.
Just climb back into bed
and don't pee in the clothes hamper.
We are getting married in three weeks
and you and I are gonna tone up.
Hey, we Biggs don't tone, and we don't tan.
We burn, and we stroke out.
[grunting] And three.
Let's do this.
[instrumental music]
Honey roasted peanuts.
You think Molly will be tempted by these?
You remember what happened the last time
she starved herself.
She ate half a jar of my avocado face scrub.
In her defense, it does look like guacamole.
That may be but a sane woman
doesn't dig around her mother's makeup kit
looking for a snack.
What's going on?
Molly's trying to drop six pounds before the wedding
so we're getting rid of everything but ice and onions.
If she's really serious about this weight loss thing
starving herself is not the answer.
Oh, she's exercising too.
She's out right now jogging around the neighborhood.
Not talking diet and exercise.
I'm referring to the weight loss miracle
known as horse laxatives.
- Vince, don't be an ass. - I'm serious.
I got a jockey buddy who sometimes has to drop
five pounds in six hours.
All he needs is one cap full of hiyo, silver and a good book.
[door opens]
Two and a half miles. Pretty good.
Tomorrow, we'll go for three.
I thought we were supposed to...take a day off.
You know, let the muscles..
...reattach themselves to the bone.
No, you can't have a day off.
It's all about speeding up your metabolism.
Now, I'm gonna go take a shower and make us
a nice, healthy smoothie out of beets, carrots and kale.
That's my reward for running in the dark
and giving myself a two and a half mile wedgie?
It's all yours.
- Really? - Yeah.
But eat it behind the garage.
God bless you.
[instrumental music]
That is your fifth cup of coffee.
You better have an empty milk jug in the car
'cause I'm not spending my entire day
trying to find porta-potties and big trees.
Molly dragged me out of bed at 5 o'clock
this morning to go jogging.
Oh, that was you?
I have to call my roommates and tell them
it wasn't Godzilla.
I have hot coffee in my hand
and I'm going on about five hours of sleep.
Boy, someone woke up on the wrong side of Tokyo
this morning.
I'm guessing this new fitness regime
has something to do with your impending nuptials.
She's driving me crazy, Carl.
I don't know why she's making
such a big deal out of a wedding.
Hey, this is a huge milestone in a woman's life.
It's something she's been dreaming and fantasizing
about since she was a young girl.
But it's just one day.
One day she will remember forever.
For me and you, that's like the first time
we ever saw a real-life naked boob.
October 6, 1988.
Joy Harmon was her name.
She was the first girl in our class to get boobs
and I was the third guy to see them.
And I bet you the time leading up to that was filled
with hope and expectation.
Oh, God, yes.
She told me at lunch I could
see one of them after school.
I remember it was pizza day and I left half of it
on my plate.
Hey, that speaks volumes right there.
When the bell rang, I ran
to meet her underneath the bleachers.
My heart was pounding with anticipation.
Of course it was.
There can be no other first time
and you wanted it to be perfect.
And it was.
I could tell she liked me 'cause she showed me
the second one without me even asking.
And that's after I drooled all over the first one.
Mmm. Yeah.
Can't see one without the other.
It's like the "Kill Bill" movies.
They were like two perfect pieces of flan.
You know, if you put a Hershey's kiss on each one.
Now, if you'd like to get into your bride's head
a little bit, just change boobs to holy matrimony
and you can understand where she's coming from.
Wow, I always knew it was important to her
but I never realized it consumed her every thought
and dictated her every action.
Well, sometimes you gotta step back and look at things
from an intellectual standpoint.
Thanks for helping me understand.
No problem.
So I'm guessing Joy Harmon is the reason
you always order two pieces of flan?
You know, I hope one day Molly gets me the way you do.
Alright, here we go.
Oh..
Feeling good. Feeling good.
Feeling good. Oh..
Whoops.
Hello, old friend. We meet again.
Alright, stop. Stop.
Stop, stop!
Son of a bitch!
'Liar!'
Uh-oh. She's arguing with the scale again.
Just so you know, when the pothead ties the knot
we're gonna go live in a hotel. Probably Europe.
[Molly] 'Mom!'
Down here, sweetie.
Hide the chips and try not to piss her off.
The smoothie you made me for dinner tonight
did you put banana in it?
'Cause I specifically said no banana!
Well, if you said no banana
then there was not a banana in there.
There were two bananas in the kitchen.
If I go in there right now
are there still going to be two bananas?
- Vince ate them. - No, I didn't. I hate bananas.
They got a weird texture, and they make me look apish.
You look apish holding a pen!
One banana's not gonna kill you, sweetie.
It's pure starch, and my glycemic index spikes.
I mean, you might as well fill the blender with fudge.
'You're all trying to sabotage me.'
Don't even, pal. I see you.
Hi, hon. Did you have a good day?
Grab your gym bag. We're taking a spinning class.
I just walked in the door.
For the love of God, grab your bag and get her outta here!
If she looks in the trash and finds two banana peels
we're all dead!
[instrumental music]
You realize this is a nightmare for me.
I'm a fat guy in a little room on a bike that goes nowhere.
You don't get on that bike
you're gonna have a new nightmare.
Alright, let's mount up.
Oh, good, the seats are really small.
Remember not to stay in the saddle the whole time.
You need to move up and down and lift with your core.
This should put me on the fast track to erectile dysfunction.
I thank you for that.
- Molly? - Yeah.
It's Allison. We met at OA a couple years ago.
Oh, my God. Allison. Well, you look great.
What'd you lose, like 40 pounds?
- Fifty-two. - Fifty-two.
It took me almost three years, but I did it.
Well, I'm, I'm happy for you, seriously.
Oh, this is, uh, my fiance, Mike.
Hi.
- Doesn't she look great? - Sure.
Fifty-two pounds.
Well, you set a goal and you hit it. Bully for you.
The key is not to try and lose it too quick.
Absolutely. Yeah.
That's what I'm always trying to tell this guy over here.
Slow and steady wins the race. Don't I always say that?
She does. Never in this context, but it's a good rule anywhere.
Those crash diets never work, you try starving yourself
you just end up gaining more weight.
Right. I say that too. That's.. Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
I-I forgot my sports bra in the car. I, uh..
Looks like I'm wearing one but that's just
'cause they're naturally...perky.
- Excuse me. - Where you going?
Are you coming back?
[upbeat music]
Welcome, everybody. Let's wake those legs up.
Spin away the cares of the day.
- 'In the saddle..' - Ow!
[female #1] 'Out of the saddle.'
- 'In the saddle..' - Ow!
[female #1] 'Out of the saddle.'
- 'In the the saddle..' - Ow!
[female #1] 'Out of the saddle.'
[siren wailing in distance]
"The key is tryin' to try and not to lose it too quick."
So smug.
She has a tiny ass and one chin.
Come on, Biggs.
I know you've got candy in here somewhere.
Come on, think like Mike, think like Mike, think like Mike.
Bup-bup-bup.
Jackpot!
[rustling wrapper]
Thought you had me, didn't you?
Not this time, you fun-sized son of a bitch.
Hey. Oh.
Excuse me. You hit my car.
Sorry, it's covered in dents already and my car's fine
so no big whoop.
Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa. It's a whoop.
It's a very big whoop.
Come on, I'm late for spin class.
And, FYI, this parking lot is for gym members only.
Well, FYI, I am a gym member.
[chuckles] Of course you are.
Look, how about I give you five dollars
buy yourself a slice of pizza, we'll call it even.
[car alarm wailing]
Now we're even!
You think you're so smart, don't you?
My boyfriend's a cop.
He still needs a cheat sheet for the microwave!
- Molly? - 'Mike!'
- Molly! - 'Mike!'
Molly, you've got my keys!
Ow! Ow! Ow..
[dramatic music]
I can't believe this!
I've never been arrested in my life.
What'd you do?
This woman in the parking lot got very snotty with me
I accidentally kicked off her side view mirror.
I admire your restraint.
I once bit off a woman's earlobe for giving me a bad manicure.
Well, there's, uh...nothing worse than a bad manicure.
Yeah, I couldn't speak Korean
so I opted for the universal language of
"I'm biting your ear off, bitch!"
Sure, a girl's gotta make her point.
If the gal's on angel dust and bathtub crack
it could take four cops and a dog
to get her off her soapbox.
So what's your poison?
Well, I've..
...been on kind of a crazy juice fast.
And..
...I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm-I'm tweaking pretty bad.
Oh, I am never so mean as when I am hungry.
I did four days on Jenny Craig
lit my boyfriend's legs on fire.
Oh, my God.
I was actually aiming for his junk
but the welding torch sparked.
Those things can be tricky.
Other than that, though
did you have any success on Jenny Craig?
You know what, portion control ain't my strong suit.
Tell me about it, when I open a can of Pringles
I don't stop till I hit dust.
I'm just so emotional lately
and I'm getting married in three weeks
and I've been acting crazy.
That's a stressful time.
Lots of couples can't take the pressure.
Especially if you lit the groom-to-be's legs on fire.
I can see how that might give a fella cold feet.
Ironically.
I-I just don't wanna give up.
I've set a goal for myself and, my God, I wanna meet it.
Hopefully without killing somebody.
Or paying somebody else to do it for you.
I didn't hear a thing.
[instrumental music]
Oh. So, is everything okay?
The woman agreed to drop the charges
if I paid for a new side view mirror and a new brake light.
That brake light was broken before I kicked it!
I said I believe you.
Now, why don't you run upstairs and take a shower.
Not that he's trying to tell you what to do.
Nah, I would never do that. Shower if you want.
I mean, you did sit in somebody's pee
but it's your call.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
I don't know who that woman is!
Keep your voice down.
And if you're gonna cry, cry in the kitchen.
Thought I was marrying a sweet little schoolteacher
not some car-kicking lunatic.
There's three weeks until the wedding
and Molly's already been thrown in the pokey.
At this rate, our honeymoon's gonna be a conjugal visit!
Ow!
Buck up and sit down!
Great, she's a kicker and you're a hitter.
What kind of family am I marrying into?
A loving, supportive one.
And we are gonna help my little angel
look her best for her wedding.
What if she doesn't lose the weight?
What if the dress doesn't fit?
That is not an option!
Please don't hit me again.
Look, I've been through this with her before.
She gets her mind set on something
and God help anything that gets in her way.
Wait, so she's acted this way before?
Oh. Are you kidding me?
Prom, senior picture day, and one God-awful summer
when she decided to master the accordion.
I didn't know she could play the accordion.
Umh, second runner-up, Cook County Polka Festival
pre-teen division.
Three worst days of my life.
So are you gonna go talk to her?
I've had a lifetime of talking to her.
You're gonna be her husband, so now it's your turn.
Take this to your future bride.
Sleepy time tea.
- Always calms her down. - Okay.
Sometimes I find it's helpful to drop an Ambien in
just to make sure crazy goes night-night.
What the hell? Nobody gains weight in prison!
Knock, knock.
Brought you your tea.
Put an ice cube in there so it's not so hot
in case you spill it or it gets thrown.
You think I'm crazy, don't you?
What? I don't think that. I certainly wouldn't say that.
If I did, who'd be the crazy one then, right?
I'm so caught up in this wedding
and I know I'm driving everybody nuts.
You've been a little off your game
but I don't think anyone else has noticed.
Come on.
Few cops, couple of eyewitnesses
but for all they know, you're like that all the time.
I'm sorry to put you through all this.
I just, I wanted to look perfect for you on our wedding day.
Are you kidding?
You look perfect to me all the time.
Whether it's just waking up in the morning
wearing one of my football jerseys
or cleaning the garage in those goofy-looking overalls
or this whole gypsy fortune-teller thing
you got going on here.
Listen..
...you don't have to squeeze into some wedding dress
to look perfect to me.
You're already the most beautiful woman in the world.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Come on, let's get into bed.
I know better than to argue with a crazy woman.
We gotta get up bright and early if we're gonna get
in those three miles.
Wait, did you not hear a word I just said?
I am getting married in three weeks and
I'm gonna fit in that freaking wedding dress
if it kills us all!
God, what's it gonna be like when she's pregnant?
- 'Mike!' - Coming!
[instrumental music]
- Okay, which button is it? - It's the red one, mother.
Alright, Molly, play it for mommy.
[polka music]
That's beautiful. Is that, uh, "Fra re Jacques?"
"Beer barrel polka," mother.
Wow, it's like having Lawrence Welk
in the living room.
- Isn't she good, Victoria? - Amazing!
Okay, sweetie, you keep playing.
Mommy's gonna make us all some lunch.
No, mom, I'm getting to the best part!
You're gonna miss the best part!
Okay, I'll stay.
Victoria, get mama's vodka out of the freezer.
Amazing!
Tall glass, two cubes!
[Victoria] 'Amazing!'
[music continues]
[theme music]