Alright, just one more beer
and then I need to get home and help Molly
with last-minute wedding stuff.
What about helping me with the bachelor party?
I'm tired of you makin' this whole weddin'
about you and Molly.
Now time for the tough questions.
Number one, topless or all nude?
Whatever, I just don't wanna get dragged onstage
by three girls named Cinnamon, so they can play
Let's-Humiliate-The-Fat-Guy.
Hey, it's not humiliating.
They just take your shirt off, strap you to a chair
and rub their oily butts in your face.
Don't read too much into this
but I had a very similar experience at boy scout camp
and that wasn't at all sexy.
Noted, so you're probably gonna want one of the classier places.
Not too near the railroad tracks or a mental institution.
Exactly, maybe one that provides
a limo service so we can all drink.
No, no, the places that offer the free shuttles
are usually desperate for customers
so I'm guessing those girls are probably all nude and half dude.
We don't want to spin that wheel.
No, we don't, it's hard to enjoy bonding with your buddies
when you got some he-she shaking her furry gonads in your face.
Again, boy scout camp.
Okay, so no he-shes and we rent our own limo.
But keep in mind, the all nude joints do not serve alcohol.
We're definitely gonna want booze.
- It is my bachelor party. - Absolutely.
'Cause when you're pleasantly buzzed
the strip club is like an erotic sexual playpen.
Stone-cold sober and you're just a dirty freak
paying an unwed mother to smack you around
with her silicone fun bags.
Well, if the father of the groom gets a vote
I say all-nude and get drunk in the parking lot.
Dad?
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
Close that gaping pie hole and give your old man a hug.
Yes, sir.
You dropped some tonnage boy.
My hands can actually wave at each other behind your back.
How long you been sitting here?
You walked by me twice.
I guess we know why you haven't made detective yet.
You're gonna introduce me to your best man?
Oh, yeah, dad, this is my partner Carl McMillan.
And you, sir, need no introduction.
Sergeant Jack Biggs is legendary around our precinct.
I see the department's still big on going
salt and pepper in their squad car.
I rode with a black fella for years.
Officer Tony Clements.
Great guy, used to call me fat Casper.
Hell of a cop.
His second wife blew a hole in him with a 12-gauge.
She was white.
I mean, just saying, sometimes it works
sometimes it doesn't.
Well, we certainly have our good days and bad days.
Sit down, dad.
I thought you weren't coming to town until next week.
Well, that was the plan, but your stepmom and I
are going through kind of a rough patch.
Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that.
Eh, marriage has its ups and downs.
One day, you're madly in love, the next day, you're fishin'
your clothes out of the birdbath
and sleeping in the backseat of your Buick Skylark.
Well, I'm sure things will work out.
Uh, better than it did for poor Tony.
I'd rather have to fight some crow for my undies
instead of getting donut-holed
by some crazy bitch with a shotgun.
Ain't that the truth?
Poor bastard never saw it coming.
How could he? He was laying on the neighbor lady.
Hey.
To Tony.
[both] Tony.
I'm sure happy for you, son, but I hope
you've sown all your wild oats.
I've done fine in that area, dad.
I married your mom too young and I was trapped.
Year after year, making love to the same woman
in the same position
with the same time limit.
Time limit?
Your mother would say, when "Mork & Mindy" is finished
so are you.
Well, look, I appreciate your fatherly advice
but I've lived most of my life without it
and I'm doing just fine.
Oh, I see, you're a man now.
You got it all figured out, do you?
I bet I can still pin your ass in under six seconds.
Dad, no, I'm not gonna wrestle you.
Nothing to be scared of.
I'm just an old man
talking gibberish.
Stop it.
What's the matter? You gonna cry?
Did your mama raise you to be a big sissy girl?
Alright, it's on, old man!
Mike, is that you?
Hi, sweetie, this is my dad.
Hey, sunshine, nice to meet you.
You, too.
Oh, I can see the resemblance.
[grunts]
So this is Mike's father, huh?
Still got most of his hair. That's a good sign.
I think baldness is on the mom's side
and it skips a generation.
Oh, that's right.
I saw pictures of Vince's maternal grandma.
She looked like Tweetie Pie with a monobrow.
[snores]
Whoa.
Apparently that doesn't skip a generation.
And it doesn't get cuter with age.
All in all though, a pleasant-looking man.
Yeah, hard to believe he was married to Mike's mom.
Well, based on his breath, I'm guessing
the whisky impaired his judgment.
- Mornin'. - Shh.
Hey, sweetie, do you want some breakfast?
I got a pretty bad hangover. Just coffee for now.
I'll eat after I throw up.
Listen, I'm happy your dad is staying here
but you need to get him out of the house tonight.
You want me to take him to my bachelor party?
Well, I certainly don't want him here for my bachelorette party
with your mother in attendance.
What, why the hell is my mom coming?
Because you said and I quote..
[imitating Mike] "I think it'd be nice if you asked my mother."
Okay, first of all, I do not talk like that.
And second of all, I can't take my dad
to my bachelor party, he'll ruin everything.
Ruin what? You said you were just gonna..
[imitating Mike] "...Grab a steak, smoke a cigar, drink some scotch."
Blah, blah, blah.
Is that seriously how you think I sound?
Wait a minute, you don't want your dad to go along
because Carl is taking you to the strip club.
What? He'd better not be.
I hate those places.
The guys are all perverts, the women are all sad.
I can't think of a worse place to have a bachelor party.
Yuck.
Fine, I'll take my dad!
See, you sound just like yourself.
Didn't see you in the cafeteria today.
You missed a good one. Frito pie and blueberry crumble.
That's why the windows are open.
Hey, grease, cheese and Fritos.
It ain't gonna come out pretty.
Anyway, I brought you a little something.
What's this for?
Well, I won't be attending your soireetonight
so I thought I'd give you my gift here.
And don't get your hopes up.
It's not dirty and you can't eat it.
Oh, you're not coming?
Aw, gosh, that's just a stinker.
- Darn it. - Hey, cut the crap.
You and I both know you only invited me
'cause Mike told you to.
What? It was totally my idea.
I love your company.
You are...a hoot.
Well, I got better things to do than sitting at a hen party
drinking pink squirrels and giggling over rubber wienies.
I understand your trepidation.
Plus, you might wanna steer clear of my house.
Your ex is in town and he's staying with us.
So Jack's here?
Yeah, and it's probably best if you guys don't have
your first eye-to-eye in 20 years in my living room.
It's hard enough getting my mom's
red wine stains out of the rug.
Hey, I got no beef with the man.
Nothin' to prove and no ax to grind.
Really?
Oh, I moved on with my life long ago.
Did he bring the whore?
No, he came by himself.
Between you and me, I think there's
a little trouble in paradise.
Hmm, what a shame.
Sure do hate to hear that
when bad things happen to nice people.
What time is your shindig again?
Uh, s-seven-ish. Why?
Well, you're gonna be my daughter-in-law
and I'd hate to miss your special night.
You know what? You're right.
It'll probably get pretty raunchy
so...don't come.
I'll be by early to help you set up.
I'll bring some sipping whisky and an X-rated board game.
- X-rated board game? - Dirty scrabble.
It's actually just regular scrabble
with extra F's, B's and J's.
Man, I can't believe you're bringing your dad
to my bachelor party.
I thought it was mybachelor party.
Did you plan it?
Are you the one that's been going to strip clubs
for three months trying to find the best one?
I'm sorry, Carl, there's nothing I can do.
I can't leave him at Molly's house.
My mom's gonna be there.
So why don't you drop your dad off at a movie?
Or buy him a sweat suit and let him walk the mall?
Yeah, old people love going all knees and elbows at the mall.
He's coming and I don't wanna hear another word about it.
He'll ruin everything.
You ever seen strippers around a cute, old dude?
It's like bringing a puppy or a midget.
They get all the attention.
I promise I'll keep him occupied.
You guys can still have a good time.
Yeah, a stripper slaps him in the face with her boob
and his teeth wind up in my watery Sprite.
Hey, Molly. What?
My mom's on her way to the house?
Yeah, my dad's there.
He's probably still asleep on the couch.
Alright, on my way. Hit the siren.
We gotta get there before we have to arrest
my mom and tag and bag my dad.
[police siren blaring]
This is gonna be nice.
Just us gals sitting around
sipping some cocktails, having a little girl talk.
Sure.
But keep in the back of your mind
it's not too late to go out and do something fun.
Yeah, I was hoping for a big hunk of penis-shaped cake
or seeing a big hunk's penis.
Mom.
Ooh, there's a place you can go downtown
where you can lick whipped cream off a guy's bare chest.
Ooh, won't be able to do that after you're married.
[doorbell rings] Have you met my fiance?
His chest hair's like an Easter basket.
That's not hyperbole.
One time, I actually found a jelly bean.
Two of them have to make everything dirty.
It's like my confirmation party all over again.
Whoa. Peggy.
Hope I'm not too early.
- Boys still here? - No, they left.
Damn it!
- Are you okay? - 'Couldn't be better.'
Here you go.
Another gift for the bride-to-be.
Please tell me that's French bread.
Okay, but that French bread's black and it vibrates.
[vibrates]
Thanks for letting me join you boys.
I'm sure none of you fellas wanted
the groom's old man tagging along.
Happy to have you, dad. Right, guys?
[all mumbling] Yeah.
Sorry we had to rush you out of the house so early.
Mom was coming over and I didn't want a repeat
of our last little get-together.
Yeah, I still got the scar where she clocked me
behind the ear with that disposable camera.
It did liven up my high school graduation though.
And believe it or not, the pictures still came out great.
So what's the deal?
Are we going to a strip club or are you guys gonna be
the biggest boobs I see all night?
We can't go to a nudie bar this early.
The sun's still out.
And our coupons don't kick in till 7:00 p.m.
Plus, the day shift is still on the pole
and they're tired, cranky and sometimes pregnant.
Not to mention the sad, desperate clientele
that hangs out there during the day.
Lonely losers blowing their rent money
trying to get one of the girls to love 'em back.
And they never do.
I got a lot of respect for you, kid.
If I were dealt your hand, I'd have jumped in the lake
with a pocket full of rocks years ago.
My mom sews my pockets shut.
Look, we got this limo for the whole night.
It's climate-controlled.
Got a fully-stocked bar and we can go anywhere we want
in one of the greatest cities in the world.
You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
White Castle drive-through?
- Fine with me! - Yes!
God, you can read me like a book.
Well, it's easy when every chapter is titled I Could Eat.
It's just a little something I thought might come
in handy on the honeymoon.
Ooh!
- Sexy panties? - No.
- Flavored love jellies? - No.
Ball gag and nipple clamps?
God, no! It's just a clip-on book light.
I thought we weren't going dirty.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, my goodness. I wonder who that is.
I hope someone didn't call the police
because we were being too loud and naughty.
Please tell me that she didn't get a stripper.
Please tell me she didn't say ball gag.
Oh, no, officer. Are we in trouble?
- Big trouble. - There's the ringleader.
And she's been a bad, bad girl.
I've been worse.
I'm hiding drugs and I ain't got pockets.
[upbeat music]
Well, you'll all pay the price
but the bride-to-be gets the first crack.
Enjoy, ladies.
Touch, cup or tug, he's paid for till 10:00.
That is...very nice
but I really would just like
to know your secret for hair removal.
Alright, we still got another hour to kill
before we can head over to the strip club.
Only an hour?
But I was so enjoying this man-thigh on man-thigh action.
Well, if we're looking for something to do
we could swing by my mom's and I could prove to her
I do, too, have friends.
Seriously, I would have plugged in the toaster
and jumped right in the tub.
God love you.
Well, since we got the time, why don't we go ahead
and do our little Mike Biggs tribute?
No, come on.
Why don't we moon that kid at the gas station again?
He'd never expect it a second time.
No, this evening is about celebrating you, Mike Biggs.
The man, the myth, the Mountain.
Come on, son, let your friends honor you.
You think this is gonna be an honor?
It's gonna be a bunch of smart-ass comments
humiliating stories and half a dozen fat jokes.
Hey, these are your pals.
I'm sure these guys have plenty more
to talk about besides your waistline.
I'm out.
I grabbed the fat ball and ran with it.
I said nothing about fat, but I did lean pretty hard
on your homoerotic relationship with Carl.
With friends like these, huh, dad?
Yeah.
- I'll go. - 'Alright, Harry.'
Let me have it.
"How do you say I love you
to your hero?"
I don't think you do.
I don't mean to belabor it
but how do you even get out of bed in the morning?
Okay, fun's over.
Take these cuffs off.
Okay, pal, that is getting
very close to my face.
That's what they're talking about when they say
the long arm of the law.
- It's not funny. - No, that was pretty funny.
When she said arm, she meant penis.
No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Stop.
No, stop it!
Oh, my God.
Is that thing winkin' at me?
[dog barking]
"And even though we kid around a lot
"when you get down to it, I could not have asked
"for a better partner or a better friend.
"I know you always have my back and I always have yours.
"And I'm so happy you found Molly
because you deserve a partner as good as the one I got."
Thanks, pal.
To the man of the hour, Mr. Mike Biggs.
- Hear, hear. - Salud.
Love you, man.
Lovely toast.
Really beautiful.
How come his is beautiful
and I'm a big, sappy fruit?
I don't know, they were saying now it's genetics.
All nude, girls, girls, girls.
Boy, that sounds way better than all men
and farts, farts, farts.
Remember not to lay out all your cash at the rail.
Buck at a time like you're feeding baby ducks.
I've given myself a $200 limit
so if you see me reach for my ATM card
throw a cold beer in my lap.
I'll see you gentlemen inside.
Only thing better than an old guy or a midget?
Blind guy.
Hey, wait up! Somebody's got to lead me in.
You ready, dad?
- I'll meet you inside. - What's the matter?
I'm just..
...so proud of how you've turned out.
You got people who love and respect you.
And I-I know it's not because of me.
It's in spite of me.
- Oh, don't say that. - It's true.
I ran off and left you.
And at a time when a boy really needs his dad.
That's in the past.
You're here now.
That's all that matters.
Appreciate you letting me off the hook.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
Try to be more of a dad than I have been.
I'd like that.
Hey, what do you say we get the limo driver
to cruise us around the old neighborhood?
It's your night. Do whatever you want.
But I'm headin' in.
Ah, it'd be a shame to waste this precious father-son time.
I hope you and the wife work things out.
Well, if we don't, I think I got a real shot
with that Cuban stripper.
- I think she really liked you. - Yeah.
I mean, until you ran out of money.
Yeah, strip clubs aren't a good place
for a man on a fixed income.
By the way, my last three lap dances
were your wedding present.
Well, it's important for you to enjoy what little time
you got left, old man.
Oh, game on, boy.
Hello, Jack.
Long time, no see.
This is Lieutenant Sexy and he's giving me a ride home.
Then he's gonna drop me off at the house.
Get it?
Who the hell was that?
I have no idea.
Him, I know.
[theme music]