1 00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:05,875 Alright, just one more beer 2 00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:07,268 and then I need to get home and help Molly 3 00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:08,878 with last-minute wedding stuff. 4 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:10,967 What about helping me with the bachelor party? 5 00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:12,142 I'm tired of you makin' this whole weddin' 6 00:00:12,229 --> 00:00:14,884 about you and Molly. 7 00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:16,538 Now time for the tough questions. 8 00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:18,540 Number one, topless or all nude? 9 00:00:20,455 --> 00:00:22,152 Whatever, I just don't wanna get dragged onstage 10 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:24,024 by three girls named Cinnamon, so they can play 11 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:27,070 Let's-Humiliate-The-Fat-Guy. 12 00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,724 Hey, it's not humiliating. 13 00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:30,552 They just take your shirt off, strap you to a chair 14 00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:32,075 and rub their oily butts in your face. 15 00:00:33,903 --> 00:00:35,513 Don't read too much into this 16 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,950 but I had a very similar experience at boy scout camp 17 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,561 and that wasn't at all sexy. 18 00:00:41,867 --> 00:00:44,653 Noted, so you're probably gonna want one of the classier places. 19 00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:48,004 Not too near the railroad tracks or a mental institution. 20 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:49,571 Exactly, maybe one that provides 21 00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:51,138 a limo service so we can all drink. 22 00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:52,530 No, no, the places that offer the free shuttles 23 00:00:52,617 --> 00:00:54,402 are usually desperate for customers 24 00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,839 so I'm guessing those girls are probably all nude and half dude. 25 00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:03,672 We don't want to spin that wheel. 26 00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,891 No, we don't, it's hard to enjoy bonding with your buddies 27 00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:08,329 when you got some he-she shaking her furry gonads in your face. 28 00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:12,463 Again, boy scout camp. 29 00:01:14,552 --> 00:01:16,685 Okay, so no he-shes and we rent our own limo. 30 00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,818 But keep in mind, the all nude joints do not serve alcohol. 31 00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:21,385 We're definitely gonna want booze. 32 00:01:21,472 --> 00:01:23,300 - It is my bachelor party. - Absolutely. 33 00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:24,867 'Cause when you're pleasantly buzzed 34 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:27,174 the strip club is like an erotic sexual playpen. 35 00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:29,567 Stone-cold sober and you're just a dirty freak 36 00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:31,003 paying an unwed mother to smack you around 37 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,136 with her silicone fun bags. 38 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,618 Well, if the father of the groom gets a vote 39 00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:39,534 I say all-nude and get drunk in the parking lot. 40 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:43,494 Dad? 41 00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:49,021 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 42 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:52,155 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 43 00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:05,603 Close that gaping pie hole and give your old man a hug. 44 00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:07,518 Yes, sir. 45 00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,216 You dropped some tonnage boy. 46 00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,827 My hands can actually wave at each other behind your back. 47 00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:15,091 How long you been sitting here? 48 00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:16,614 You walked by me twice. 49 00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:19,617 I guess we know why you haven't made detective yet. 50 00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:21,532 You're gonna introduce me to your best man? 51 00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:24,187 Oh, yeah, dad, this is my partner Carl McMillan. 52 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,841 And you, sir, need no introduction. 53 00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:28,713 Sergeant Jack Biggs is legendary around our precinct. 54 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,411 I see the department's still big on going 55 00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:33,718 salt and pepper in their squad car. 56 00:02:33,805 --> 00:02:35,416 I rode with a black fella for years. 57 00:02:35,503 --> 00:02:36,808 Officer Tony Clements. 58 00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:39,115 Great guy, used to call me fat Casper. 59 00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,553 Hell of a cop. 60 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:46,122 His second wife blew a hole in him with a 12-gauge. 61 00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:48,037 She was white. 62 00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:49,821 I mean, just saying, sometimes it works 63 00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:51,258 sometimes it doesn't. 64 00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:55,044 Well, we certainly have our good days and bad days. 65 00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:56,828 Sit down, dad. 66 00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:59,440 I thought you weren't coming to town until next week. 67 00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,485 Well, that was the plan, but your stepmom and I 68 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,661 are going through kind of a rough patch. 69 00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:05,533 Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. 70 00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,709 Eh, marriage has its ups and downs. 71 00:03:07,796 --> 00:03:10,233 One day, you're madly in love, the next day, you're fishin' 72 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,887 your clothes out of the birdbath 73 00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,194 and sleeping in the backseat of your Buick Skylark. 74 00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:18,110 Well, I'm sure things will work out. 75 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,808 Uh, better than it did for poor Tony. 76 00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,549 I'd rather have to fight some crow for my undies 77 00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:22,898 instead of getting donut-holed 78 00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,291 by some crazy bitch with a shotgun. 79 00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:27,859 Ain't that the truth? 80 00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:30,035 Poor bastard never saw it coming. 81 00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:32,386 How could he? He was laying on the neighbor lady. 82 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,346 Hey. 83 00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,565 To Tony. 84 00:03:37,652 --> 00:03:39,131 [both] Tony. 85 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:46,313 I'm sure happy for you, son, but I hope 86 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,011 you've sown all your wild oats. 87 00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:51,405 I've done fine in that area, dad. 88 00:03:51,492 --> 00:03:54,886 I married your mom too young and I was trapped. 89 00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:58,107 Year after year, making love to the same woman 90 00:03:58,194 --> 00:03:59,848 in the same position 91 00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:02,503 with the same time limit. 92 00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,679 Time limit? 93 00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:07,421 Your mother would say, when "Mork & Mindy" is finished 94 00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:08,770 so are you. 95 00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,991 Well, look, I appreciate your fatherly advice 96 00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,819 but I've lived most of my life without it 97 00:04:14,906 --> 00:04:15,907 and I'm doing just fine. 98 00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:18,519 Oh, I see, you're a man now. 99 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:21,304 You got it all figured out, do you? 100 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:25,134 I bet I can still pin your ass in under six seconds. 101 00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:27,136 Dad, no, I'm not gonna wrestle you. 102 00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:28,877 Nothing to be scared of. 103 00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:30,835 I'm just an old man 104 00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:32,533 talking gibberish. 105 00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:33,838 Stop it. 106 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,840 What's the matter? You gonna cry? 107 00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:39,366 Did your mama raise you to be a big sissy girl? 108 00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:41,368 Alright, it's on, old man! 109 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,503 Mike, is that you? 110 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:49,114 Hi, sweetie, this is my dad. 111 00:04:51,247 --> 00:04:53,423 Hey, sunshine, nice to meet you. 112 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,077 You, too. 113 00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:57,558 Oh, I can see the resemblance. 114 00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:00,996 [grunts] 115 00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,349 So this is Mike's father, huh? 116 00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:09,265 Still got most of his hair. That's a good sign. 117 00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:10,832 I think baldness is on the mom's side 118 00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,660 and it skips a generation. 119 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:13,965 Oh, that's right. 120 00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:17,229 I saw pictures of Vince's maternal grandma. 121 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,754 She looked like Tweetie Pie with a monobrow. 122 00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,975 [snores] 123 00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:25,586 Whoa. 124 00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:29,329 Apparently that doesn't skip a generation. 125 00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,809 And it doesn't get cuter with age. 126 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:34,856 All in all though, a pleasant-looking man. 127 00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:37,859 Yeah, hard to believe he was married to Mike's mom. 128 00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:40,775 Well, based on his breath, I'm guessing 129 00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,907 the whisky impaired his judgment. 130 00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,129 - Mornin'. - Shh. 131 00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,131 Hey, sweetie, do you want some breakfast? 132 00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:51,220 I got a pretty bad hangover. Just coffee for now. 133 00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,004 I'll eat after I throw up. 134 00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,704 Listen, I'm happy your dad is staying here 135 00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:58,662 but you need to get him out of the house tonight. 136 00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,664 You want me to take him to my bachelor party? 137 00:06:00,751 --> 00:06:03,319 Well, I certainly don't want him here for my bachelorette party 138 00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:04,886 with your mother in attendance. 139 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,409 What, why the hell is my mom coming? 140 00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:08,411 Because you said and I quote.. 141 00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:10,457 [imitating Mike] "I think it'd be nice if you asked my mother." 142 00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:16,376 Okay, first of all, I do not talk like that. 143 00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:17,855 And second of all, I can't take my dad 144 00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:19,727 to my bachelor party, he'll ruin everything. 145 00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:21,859 Ruin what? You said you were just gonna.. 146 00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:24,688 [imitating Mike] "...Grab a steak, smoke a cigar, drink some scotch." 147 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:25,863 Blah, blah, blah. 148 00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,129 Is that seriously how you think I sound? 149 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,785 Wait a minute, you don't want your dad to go along 150 00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:36,744 because Carl is taking you to the strip club. 151 00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:39,573 What? He'd better not be. 152 00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,183 I hate those places. 153 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:43,315 The guys are all perverts, the women are all sad. 154 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,579 I can't think of a worse place to have a bachelor party. 155 00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:46,841 Yuck. 156 00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:54,457 Fine, I'll take my dad! 157 00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:56,546 See, you sound just like yourself. 158 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,775 Didn't see you in the cafeteria today. 159 00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:10,560 You missed a good one. Frito pie and blueberry crumble. 160 00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:13,650 That's why the windows are open. 161 00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:15,652 Hey, grease, cheese and Fritos. 162 00:07:15,739 --> 00:07:17,915 It ain't gonna come out pretty. 163 00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:19,221 Anyway, I brought you a little something. 164 00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:21,005 What's this for? 165 00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,138 Well, I won't be attending your soireetonight 166 00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,618 so I thought I'd give you my gift here. 167 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,097 And don't get your hopes up. 168 00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:29,144 It's not dirty and you can't eat it. 169 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,624 Oh, you're not coming? 170 00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:33,801 Aw, gosh, that's just a stinker. 171 00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:36,934 - Darn it. - Hey, cut the crap. 172 00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,675 You and I both know you only invited me 173 00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:39,937 'cause Mike told you to. 174 00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,157 What? It was totally my idea. 175 00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,593 I love your company. 176 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,553 You are...a hoot. 177 00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,819 Well, I got better things to do than sitting at a hen party 178 00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:55,431 drinking pink squirrels and giggling over rubber wienies. 179 00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,085 I understand your trepidation. 180 00:07:57,172 --> 00:07:59,391 Plus, you might wanna steer clear of my house. 181 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,569 Your ex is in town and he's staying with us. 182 00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:05,528 So Jack's here? 183 00:08:05,615 --> 00:08:08,444 Yeah, and it's probably best if you guys don't have 184 00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:11,621 your first eye-to-eye in 20 years in my living room. 185 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:12,840 It's hard enough getting my mom's 186 00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:15,886 red wine stains out of the rug. 187 00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:17,801 Hey, I got no beef with the man. 188 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:19,803 Nothin' to prove and no ax to grind. 189 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:21,196 Really? 190 00:08:21,283 --> 00:08:24,373 Oh, I moved on with my life long ago. 191 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:27,028 Did he bring the whore? 192 00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:29,857 No, he came by himself. 193 00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:30,901 Between you and me, I think there's 194 00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:32,468 a little trouble in paradise. 195 00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:33,948 Hmm, what a shame. 196 00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:35,340 Sure do hate to hear that 197 00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:37,386 when bad things happen to nice people. 198 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,826 What time is your shindig again? 199 00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:46,221 Uh, s-seven-ish. Why? 200 00:08:46,308 --> 00:08:48,136 Well, you're gonna be my daughter-in-law 201 00:08:48,223 --> 00:08:50,399 and I'd hate to miss your special night. 202 00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:51,835 You know what? You're right. 203 00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:54,011 It'll probably get pretty raunchy 204 00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:56,884 so...don't come. 205 00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,670 I'll be by early to help you set up. 206 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,586 I'll bring some sipping whisky and an X-rated board game. 207 00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:06,067 - X-rated board game? - Dirty scrabble. 208 00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,677 It's actually just regular scrabble 209 00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:09,636 with extra F's, B's and J's. 210 00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:14,510 Man, I can't believe you're bringing your dad 211 00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:15,816 to my bachelor party. 212 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,252 I thought it was mybachelor party. 213 00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:19,036 Did you plan it? 214 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:20,385 Are you the one that's been going to strip clubs 215 00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:23,084 for three months trying to find the best one? 216 00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:24,868 I'm sorry, Carl, there's nothing I can do. 217 00:09:24,955 --> 00:09:26,043 I can't leave him at Molly's house. 218 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,523 My mom's gonna be there. 219 00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,133 So why don't you drop your dad off at a movie? 220 00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:31,222 Or buy him a sweat suit and let him walk the mall? 221 00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:33,268 Yeah, old people love going all knees and elbows at the mall. 222 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:37,228 He's coming and I don't wanna hear another word about it. 223 00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:38,665 He'll ruin everything. 224 00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,841 You ever seen strippers around a cute, old dude? 225 00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,930 It's like bringing a puppy or a midget. 226 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,584 They get all the attention. 227 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,324 I promise I'll keep him occupied. 228 00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:49,371 You guys can still have a good time. 229 00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,852 Yeah, a stripper slaps him in the face with her boob 230 00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,897 and his teeth wind up in my watery Sprite. 231 00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:59,468 Hey, Molly. What? 232 00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,078 My mom's on her way to the house? 233 00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,602 Yeah, my dad's there. 234 00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,386 He's probably still asleep on the couch. 235 00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:05,909 Alright, on my way. Hit the siren. 236 00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:07,476 We gotta get there before we have to arrest 237 00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:09,652 my mom and tag and bag my dad. 238 00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,349 [police siren blaring] 239 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:19,096 This is gonna be nice. 240 00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:21,490 Just us gals sitting around 241 00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:24,449 sipping some cocktails, having a little girl talk. 242 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:25,755 Sure. 243 00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:27,583 But keep in the back of your mind 244 00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:30,194 it's not too late to go out and do something fun. 245 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:36,244 Yeah, I was hoping for a big hunk of penis-shaped cake 246 00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:39,334 or seeing a big hunk's penis. 247 00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:40,944 Mom. 248 00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:43,251 Ooh, there's a place you can go downtown 249 00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,819 where you can lick whipped cream off a guy's bare chest. 250 00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,909 Ooh, won't be able to do that after you're married. 251 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,606 [doorbell rings] Have you met my fiance? 252 00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:53,174 His chest hair's like an Easter basket. 253 00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:54,610 That's not hyperbole. 254 00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,656 One time, I actually found a jelly bean. 255 00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,660 Two of them have to make everything dirty. 256 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,097 It's like my confirmation party all over again. 257 00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:11,018 Whoa. Peggy. 258 00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,934 Hope I'm not too early. 259 00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:16,632 - Boys still here? - No, they left. 260 00:11:16,719 --> 00:11:19,113 Damn it! 261 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,202 - Are you okay? - 'Couldn't be better.' 262 00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:22,507 Here you go. 263 00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:25,554 Another gift for the bride-to-be. 264 00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,469 Please tell me that's French bread. 265 00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,256 Okay, but that French bread's black and it vibrates. 266 00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,695 [vibrates] 267 00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:43,398 Thanks for letting me join you boys. 268 00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:44,747 I'm sure none of you fellas wanted 269 00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:46,531 the groom's old man tagging along. 270 00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:51,667 Happy to have you, dad. Right, guys? 271 00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:54,322 [all mumbling] Yeah. 272 00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,237 Sorry we had to rush you out of the house so early. 273 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,934 Mom was coming over and I didn't want a repeat 274 00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,327 of our last little get-together. 275 00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:01,546 Yeah, I still got the scar where she clocked me 276 00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:04,419 behind the ear with that disposable camera. 277 00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,682 It did liven up my high school graduation though. 278 00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:09,380 And believe it or not, the pictures still came out great. 279 00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:11,208 So what's the deal? 280 00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:13,080 Are we going to a strip club or are you guys gonna be 281 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,125 the biggest boobs I see all night? 282 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,173 We can't go to a nudie bar this early. 283 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:20,783 The sun's still out. 284 00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:23,960 And our coupons don't kick in till 7:00 p.m. 285 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,093 Plus, the day shift is still on the pole 286 00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,617 and they're tired, cranky and sometimes pregnant. 287 00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:33,100 Not to mention the sad, desperate clientele 288 00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:35,580 that hangs out there during the day. 289 00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,800 Lonely losers blowing their rent money 290 00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:40,542 trying to get one of the girls to love 'em back. 291 00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:43,153 And they never do. 292 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,547 I got a lot of respect for you, kid. 293 00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,592 If I were dealt your hand, I'd have jumped in the lake 294 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:50,595 with a pocket full of rocks years ago. 295 00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:53,076 My mom sews my pockets shut. 296 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,778 Look, we got this limo for the whole night. 297 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:00,518 It's climate-controlled. 298 00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,172 Got a fully-stocked bar and we can go anywhere we want 299 00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:03,826 in one of the greatest cities in the world. 300 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,349 You guys thinking what I'm thinking? 301 00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:06,655 White Castle drive-through? 302 00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:09,092 - Fine with me! - Yes! 303 00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:11,138 God, you can read me like a book. 304 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,618 Well, it's easy when every chapter is titled I Could Eat. 305 00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:19,015 It's just a little something I thought might come 306 00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,234 in handy on the honeymoon. 307 00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:21,583 Ooh! 308 00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,672 - Sexy panties? - No. 309 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:26,109 - Flavored love jellies? - No. 310 00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:28,459 Ball gag and nipple clamps? 311 00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,380 God, no! It's just a clip-on book light. 312 00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,643 I thought we weren't going dirty. 313 00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:39,993 [doorbell rings] 314 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,823 Oh, my goodness. I wonder who that is. 315 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,955 I hope someone didn't call the police 316 00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:48,915 because we were being too loud and naughty. 317 00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:53,702 Please tell me that she didn't get a stripper. 318 00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:55,835 Please tell me she didn't say ball gag. 319 00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:01,536 Oh, no, officer. Are we in trouble? 320 00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:04,452 - Big trouble. - There's the ringleader. 321 00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:06,933 And she's been a bad, bad girl. 322 00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:10,545 I've been worse. 323 00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:16,116 I'm hiding drugs and I ain't got pockets. 324 00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:18,945 [upbeat music] 325 00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:20,424 Well, you'll all pay the price 326 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,470 but the bride-to-be gets the first crack. 327 00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:23,993 Enjoy, ladies. 328 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,691 Touch, cup or tug, he's paid for till 10:00. 329 00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:31,696 That is...very nice 330 00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,873 but I really would just like 331 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,875 to know your secret for hair removal. 332 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,880 Alright, we still got another hour to kill 333 00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:41,924 before we can head over to the strip club. 334 00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:43,708 Only an hour? 335 00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:47,538 But I was so enjoying this man-thigh on man-thigh action. 336 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:50,280 Well, if we're looking for something to do 337 00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:52,717 we could swing by my mom's and I could prove to her 338 00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:54,763 I do, too, have friends. 339 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,678 Seriously, I would have plugged in the toaster 340 00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:58,898 and jumped right in the tub. 341 00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,247 God love you. 342 00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,033 Well, since we got the time, why don't we go ahead 343 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,730 and do our little Mike Biggs tribute? 344 00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,341 No, come on. 345 00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,038 Why don't we moon that kid at the gas station again? 346 00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:11,040 He'd never expect it a second time. 347 00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:14,217 No, this evening is about celebrating you, Mike Biggs. 348 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:17,786 The man, the myth, the Mountain. 349 00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:19,396 Come on, son, let your friends honor you. 350 00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:21,224 You think this is gonna be an honor? 351 00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,009 It's gonna be a bunch of smart-ass comments 352 00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:25,794 humiliating stories and half a dozen fat jokes. 353 00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:27,361 Hey, these are your pals. 354 00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:28,840 I'm sure these guys have plenty more 355 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,538 to talk about besides your waistline. 356 00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:31,974 I'm out. 357 00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:33,933 I grabbed the fat ball and ran with it. 358 00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,807 I said nothing about fat, but I did lean pretty hard 359 00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,678 on your homoerotic relationship with Carl. 360 00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:44,508 With friends like these, huh, dad? 361 00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:45,857 Yeah. 362 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,294 - I'll go. - 'Alright, Harry.' 363 00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:48,860 Let me have it. 364 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,386 "How do you say I love you 365 00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:54,997 to your hero?" 366 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:56,433 I don't think you do. 367 00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,046 I don't mean to belabor it 368 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:02,048 but how do you even get out of bed in the morning? 369 00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:09,446 Okay, fun's over. 370 00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:11,709 Take these cuffs off. 371 00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:14,190 Okay, pal, that is getting 372 00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:17,237 very close to my face. 373 00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:19,239 That's what they're talking about when they say 374 00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:20,805 the long arm of the law. 375 00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:25,636 - It's not funny. - No, that was pretty funny. 376 00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:29,075 When she said arm, she meant penis. 377 00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:30,772 No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Stop. 378 00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:31,860 No, stop it! 379 00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:34,036 Oh, my God. 380 00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:36,038 Is that thing winkin' at me? 381 00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:40,390 [dog barking] 382 00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,482 "And even though we kid around a lot 383 00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,267 "when you get down to it, I could not have asked 384 00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:49,660 "for a better partner or a better friend. 385 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,707 "I know you always have my back and I always have yours. 386 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:54,578 "And I'm so happy you found Molly 387 00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:57,799 because you deserve a partner as good as the one I got." 388 00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,888 Thanks, pal. 389 00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:02,412 To the man of the hour, Mr. Mike Biggs. 390 00:17:02,499 --> 00:17:03,544 - Hear, hear. - Salud. 391 00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,459 Love you, man. 392 00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:06,808 Lovely toast. 393 00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:08,244 Really beautiful. 394 00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:09,680 How come his is beautiful 395 00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:12,161 and I'm a big, sappy fruit? 396 00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:15,121 I don't know, they were saying now it's genetics. 397 00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:21,257 All nude, girls, girls, girls. 398 00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:22,954 Boy, that sounds way better than all men 399 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,174 and farts, farts, farts. 400 00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,350 Remember not to lay out all your cash at the rail. 401 00:17:27,437 --> 00:17:29,961 Buck at a time like you're feeding baby ducks. 402 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,833 I've given myself a $200 limit 403 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,401 so if you see me reach for my ATM card 404 00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,316 throw a cold beer in my lap. 405 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,497 I'll see you gentlemen inside. 406 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:46,717 Only thing better than an old guy or a midget? 407 00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:49,242 Blind guy. 408 00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,331 Hey, wait up! Somebody's got to lead me in. 409 00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,639 You ready, dad? 410 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:58,207 - I'll meet you inside. - What's the matter? 411 00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,341 I'm just.. 412 00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:04,561 ...so proud of how you've turned out. 413 00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,389 You got people who love and respect you. 414 00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:08,783 And I-I know it's not because of me. 415 00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:10,219 It's in spite of me. 416 00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,352 - Oh, don't say that. - It's true. 417 00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:15,616 I ran off and left you. 418 00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:19,010 And at a time when a boy really needs his dad. 419 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,621 That's in the past. 420 00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,579 You're here now. 421 00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,973 That's all that matters. 422 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,410 Appreciate you letting me off the hook. 423 00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:30,500 I promise I'll make it up to you. 424 00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,502 Try to be more of a dad than I have been. 425 00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:35,897 I'd like that. 426 00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:38,247 Hey, what do you say we get the limo driver 427 00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:41,076 to cruise us around the old neighborhood? 428 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:44,297 It's your night. Do whatever you want. 429 00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:45,820 But I'm headin' in. 430 00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:52,566 Ah, it'd be a shame to waste this precious father-son time. 431 00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:01,052 I hope you and the wife work things out. 432 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,924 Well, if we don't, I think I got a real shot 433 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:05,144 with that Cuban stripper. 434 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:06,449 - I think she really liked you. - Yeah. 435 00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:08,234 I mean, until you ran out of money. 436 00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:09,931 Yeah, strip clubs aren't a good place 437 00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:12,542 for a man on a fixed income. 438 00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:14,762 By the way, my last three lap dances 439 00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:17,068 were your wedding present. 440 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,462 Well, it's important for you to enjoy what little time 441 00:19:19,549 --> 00:19:21,377 you got left, old man. 442 00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:23,727 Oh, game on, boy. 443 00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:31,257 Hello, Jack. 444 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,782 Long time, no see. 445 00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:38,089 This is Lieutenant Sexy and he's giving me a ride home. 446 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,179 Then he's gonna drop me off at the house. 447 00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:41,310 Get it? 448 00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,793 Who the hell was that? 449 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,534 I have no idea. 450 00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:53,453 Him, I know. 451 00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,157 [theme music]