1 00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:05,962 Thanks for taking us out tonight, you guys. 2 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:08,747 It's a nice little break from all the wedding chaos. 3 00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,749 Trust me, girl, with all your relatives in town 4 00:00:10,836 --> 00:00:12,316 it's only gonna get worse. 5 00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:13,926 Tell me about it, I'm guessing I'll be spending 6 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,103 most of the reception trying to keep my mom's foot 7 00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:18,801 out of my dad's ass. 8 00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:20,194 Which reminds me, we have to call the caterer 9 00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:21,630 and have them switch from steak knives 10 00:00:21,717 --> 00:00:23,371 to butter knives. 11 00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:25,155 Why not play it safe and go all plastic? 12 00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:28,028 Nah, my mom can make a shiv out of anything. 13 00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:30,160 We should just serve soup and tear your own bread. 14 00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:33,555 And cold soup, something that won't blister a face. 15 00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:35,209 Just so you know, whatever you guys need 16 00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:36,862 Christina and I are there for you, right, baby? 17 00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:38,908 Of course, the biggest mistake my ex-husband 18 00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:40,431 and I made was letting ourselves get caught up 19 00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,129 in everybody else's crazy. 20 00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:44,566 Well, this is my wedding, and that means nobody else 21 00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:45,828 gets to be crazier than me. 22 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:48,265 El Loco Grande. 23 00:00:48,352 --> 00:00:51,921 Si, senorita. Muy, muy loco. 24 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:53,531 By the way, did you decide where you're sleeping 25 00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:54,576 tomorrow night? 26 00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:56,056 She's testing me. 27 00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,666 Right by your side, baby. 28 00:00:57,753 --> 00:00:59,189 No, you're not. 29 00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:00,277 It's the night before the wedding, you have 30 00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:01,800 to stay somewhere else. 31 00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:04,934 - Why? - Because it's tradition. 32 00:01:05,021 --> 00:01:07,632 One night apart before we're joined together 33 00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,025 you know, for the rest of our lives. 34 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,505 Plus, at the crack of dawn, that house 35 00:01:10,592 --> 00:01:11,897 is gonna be filled with nervous women 36 00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:13,247 drinking mimosas, primping, plucking 37 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,726 and snapping at each other. 38 00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:17,120 Carl, I'm stayin' at your house tomorrow night. 39 00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:19,079 Well, that's fine with me, but my grandma 40 00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:20,776 has her Christian senior domino club over 41 00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:22,430 and that's not the place to be if you're trying 42 00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:24,171 to avoid spiteful women with a snoot full. 43 00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,478 Why don't you stay with your mom? 44 00:01:27,565 --> 00:01:29,698 Maybe the same reason I don't chew on tin foil 45 00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,917 or try to kiss bears. 46 00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:33,528 Come on, it'd mean a lot to her 47 00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:35,443 to have her little boy there on his last night 48 00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:37,271 of being an unmarried man. 49 00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,403 Boy, you really want me to run screaming 50 00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:41,144 down that aisle, don't you? 51 00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,668 A sense of urgency would be nice. 52 00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:45,670 Anything for you, my bride. 53 00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,542 - I love you. - I love you too. 54 00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:51,894 - Isn't that beautiful? - Yes, it is. 55 00:01:53,287 --> 00:01:55,637 I love you, Christina. 56 00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:57,204 Aw! 57 00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:58,814 That's sweet. 58 00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,821 ♪ For the first time ♪ 59 00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:07,910 ♪ In my life ♪ 60 00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,131 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 61 00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:26,885 Sweetie, if there's anything else 62 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,844 you need me to do, just ask. 63 00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:31,238 Okay, talk to you later. 64 00:02:31,325 --> 00:02:33,240 You, too. 65 00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:35,764 I can't. 66 00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,722 Yes, he is. 67 00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:41,378 Alright. 68 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:44,076 Love you too. 69 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,948 No, I don't think he heard. 70 00:02:48,298 --> 00:02:50,213 - Molly says "Hi." - Uh-huh. 71 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,565 I can't believe Christina left me hangin' like that. 72 00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:57,264 What are you talking about? 73 00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,483 Y-you know exactly what I'm talking about. 74 00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:01,355 I told that woman I loved her laid my heart out 75 00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:02,399 in front of her and she chopped it up 76 00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:05,489 like we were at Benihana's. 77 00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:06,882 Well, maybe she didn't hear you. 78 00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:08,797 Please! The whole restaurant heard me. 79 00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,755 The busboy gave me a hug on the way out. 80 00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:13,932 You put her on the spot, and even if she did 81 00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:16,196 feel that way, she was probably too embarrassed to say it. 82 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,762 I wasn't too embarrassed to say it until 83 00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:19,460 she didn't say it back, then I wanted to roll up 84 00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,941 the tablecloth and hang myself from a chandelier. 85 00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:25,074 You certainly covered it well by telling the waiter 86 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,642 all of his dessert selections were stupid. 87 00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:30,079 Hey, she didn't have to come out and say the actual words. 88 00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:31,863 I would have been fine with a me too 89 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,388 or a ditto or a aye-aye, Captain Dreamboat. 90 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,001 Well, if it's any consolation, I love ya. 91 00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,224 - See how it feels? - Aah! 92 00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:50,491 So this is what you meant by your good black suit? 93 00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:57,062 It's 100 percent Angus. 94 00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,803 This baby retailed for two grand. 95 00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:01,937 I got it for 300 smackers and a crate of Canadian Tylenol. 96 00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:05,723 You think it's a good idea for a man who sweats 97 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:08,204 the way you do to be wrapped in a sausage casing? 98 00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:11,642 I'll be fine, I took a leather punch 99 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,557 and ventilated the crotch. 100 00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:16,691 Is that the suit you're planning on walking me 101 00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:17,779 down the aisle in? 102 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:18,910 What do you think? 103 00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,172 I think you need to give it back 104 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,262 to the cow and apologize. 105 00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:25,308 Well, they didn't actually live long enough 106 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:26,744 to be considered cows. 107 00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:29,225 - Technically, it's a veal suit. - Oh! 108 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,489 Mom, I did this as a favor for you 109 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,056 but I'm not walking down the aisle with a guy 110 00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:36,101 dressed like a gay hitman. 111 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,238 Vince, you're gonna have to find something else. 112 00:04:42,325 --> 00:04:44,066 When am I gonna get a chance to wear this? 113 00:04:44,153 --> 00:04:46,590 - 114 00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,550 Why you driving yourself so crazy? 115 00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,726 The only thing people remember about a wedding 116 00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,684 is the dried chicken and which bridesmaid 117 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:56,992 got drunk and flashed her cans. 118 00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,299 That reminds me, make sure Victoria wears a bra. 119 00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,912 I'll do my best, but it's like keeping a hat on a dog. 120 00:05:06,654 --> 00:05:08,656 You better get used to this, you know, we're gonna 121 00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,353 go through the same thing when we get hitched. 122 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,398 What are you talkin' about, you said 123 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:12,747 you didn't want a big wedding. 124 00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:14,749 Well, my first one was with a justice 125 00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:15,967 of the peace and now I'm thinkin' 126 00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:18,274 I'd like a nice church ceremony. 127 00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,972 Hey, let those kids blow their money on wedding crap. 128 00:05:21,059 --> 00:05:23,148 For geezers like us, I'd rather save it 129 00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:26,326 for something practical, like new hips or an RV. 130 00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:31,069 He is gonna need a hip replacement soon. 131 00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:34,029 Oh, so much of him needs to be replaced. 132 00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,121 This is gorgeous, Andre. 133 00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:40,992 I look like a portly James Bond. 134 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,344 Double-X Seven. 135 00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:48,435 Yeah, normally I look pretty hideous 136 00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:51,960 in formal wear, but purr, kitty, purr. 137 00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,529 Well, here at Andre's Big and Tall 138 00:05:55,616 --> 00:05:57,835 everybody walks out with a smile. 139 00:05:57,922 --> 00:05:59,402 And not just because of the free Tootsie roll 140 00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:02,362 we hide in every pocket. 141 00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:05,060 - Cool! - Excellent! 142 00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:06,975 Hey, I'm telling you, I didn't even bring it up 143 00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:08,977 with Christina in the car. 144 00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,239 And when she tried to engage 145 00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:12,110 I just gave her short one-word answers. 146 00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:14,852 I see, so you were pouting like little baby bitch. 147 00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,335 No, I was maintaining my dignity like a man. 148 00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,381 Who was pouting like a little baby bitch. 149 00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:25,559 See, I open up to you and all you do is make jokes. 150 00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:29,519 - I love you, Carl. - Shut up! 151 00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,521 Well, looks like we're gonna have to find 152 00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,784 something for you fellas in our boys' department. 153 00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:39,094 You're probably a husky medium 154 00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:41,183 and I'm guessing you're a tall, small. 155 00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,582 Kind of a bummer not being able to find 156 00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:50,061 clothes that fit, huh? 157 00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:51,672 Who's the freak now? 158 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,676 Take it easy, Harry. 159 00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:58,330 They are visitors to our plus-sized planet. 160 00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,944 Sorry, I got a little full of myself 161 00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:05,468 but seriously, I'm sweet syrup 162 00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,209 in an Aunt Jemima bottle. 163 00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:11,692 Carl, you need to let this whole Christina thing go. 164 00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,084 At least until after we get through the wedding. 165 00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:15,043 Hey, I'm not gonna bring it up at all. 166 00:07:15,130 --> 00:07:16,523 In fact, I'm gonna ice her completely out 167 00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:17,872 and flirt with Molly's sister. 168 00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,656 No, you're not, I got enough to worry about 169 00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:21,179 trying to keep my mom and dad from turnin' 170 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,268 that rehearsal into a bloodbath. 171 00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:26,010 Besides, I plan on being all over Molly's pothead sister 172 00:07:26,097 --> 00:07:28,448 like a warlord on a UN food drop. 173 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:33,148 Listen, buster, her name's Victoria 174 00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:35,324 and you can consider her off-limits. 175 00:07:35,411 --> 00:07:36,891 I'll trade you my complimentary Tootsie Roll. 176 00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:39,502 You can't buy me with a Tootsie Roll. 177 00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:41,765 Ten Tootsie Rolls. 178 00:07:41,852 --> 00:07:44,246 Show 'em to me. 179 00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,031 Guys! 180 00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:49,207 Nobody's got dibs on anyone 181 00:07:49,294 --> 00:07:50,992 nobody's icing anyone out. 182 00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:52,036 You're gonna be on your best behavior 183 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,081 because this is my wedding 184 00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,299 and it's gonna be beautiful 185 00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,084 magical, and filled with love. 186 00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:58,303 Maybe not so much for you. 187 00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:01,350 That's it. Somebody hold my big coat. 188 00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:02,438 - I'll get him! Kill him! - Oh, you want it? 189 00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:04,222 Kill him! Kill him! 190 00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,400 Son, I know you're nervous 191 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,011 but I've performed 100 of these weddings 192 00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:11,142 and trust me when I tell you 193 00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,970 everything will be fine tomorrow. 194 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,929 I'm not worried about tomorrow, I'm worried about tonight. 195 00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:17,366 This place is a powder keg and each one of these nuts 196 00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:20,325 has a pocket full of matches. 197 00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:23,111 Now, Marcus, you know, I'm singing two songs, right? 198 00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:25,069 One as people are filing in and one 199 00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,071 after the, I do's. 200 00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:29,291 Uh, Sister Rosetta, I'm aware 201 00:08:29,378 --> 00:08:31,946 of the order of events, and I would prefer 202 00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:34,078 that you address me as Brother Heywood 203 00:08:34,165 --> 00:08:35,210 when I'm at work. 204 00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:37,517 Well, forgive me, Brother Heywood. 205 00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,129 Oh, and would you tell Marcus he left 206 00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:43,914 his suspenders hanging on my doorknob this morning. 207 00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,267 What can I say? 208 00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:51,966 I got God in my heart and the Devil in my pants. 209 00:08:56,405 --> 00:08:58,189 Alright. 210 00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:00,801 'Could the usher please bring down' 211 00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:02,150 'the mother of the groom?' 212 00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,021 Mrs. Biggs, it's showtime. 213 00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:05,762 One, step together. 214 00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:08,112 - Two, step together. - Slow down, Chumley. 215 00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:09,723 I'm dropping three bills on a dress 216 00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:11,115 and 75 on a girdle. 217 00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:12,943 Let the people soak it in. 218 00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:21,125 And you'll sit the mother of the groom next to the father. 219 00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:24,085 When Jesus climbs off his cross and does the Macarena. 220 00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:28,568 Everything doesn't have to be about you, Margaret. 221 00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,787 Now grab some wood and pipe down. 222 00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:32,572 Your days of bossin' me around are over 223 00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:35,226 you slack-jawed bastard. 224 00:09:35,313 --> 00:09:38,360 Mom, house of God. 225 00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:40,928 If you'd shut your pie hole and get on with this 226 00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,321 I could be sitting at Wrigley Field sipping a beer. 227 00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,062 Why don't you sit on an El track 228 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:48,936 with a bellyful of sleeping pills! 229 00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:50,546 Just put him on my side! 230 00:09:51,982 --> 00:09:53,854 Dad, just move over to Molly's side. 231 00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,859 Fine! 232 00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:01,122 Eyeball me again, I'll rip off Fatty's arm 233 00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,385 and beat you to death with it. 234 00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:08,825 Mom, sit! 235 00:10:08,912 --> 00:10:12,002 'And, uh, now the mother of the bride.' 236 00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:13,569 Isn't this beautiful? 237 00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:15,049 I don't think Vince and I are too old 238 00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,920 for a traditional wedding. Do you? 239 00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:19,793 Oh, God, no. You're still a very vibrant woman. 240 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,838 When I look at you, I can only imagine 241 00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:24,536 how radiant Victoria will be when she's 70. 242 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,017 - Seventy? - Aw! 243 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:30,368 I can walk myself from here. 244 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:33,720 Oh, God, her tiny elbows are like knives. 245 00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:37,593 And now the bridesmaid and groomsman 246 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,857 'followed by the best man and the maid of honor.' 247 00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:42,511 Do you know what's going on with Carl? 248 00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:45,209 He hasn't said two words to me since we got here. 249 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:47,429 Hard to say. 250 00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:51,085 Carl is very childish in many ways. 251 00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:53,348 Yeah, well, I wish he'd talk to me instead of-- 252 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,872 Pouting like a little baby bitch? 253 00:10:57,352 --> 00:10:59,920 - Exactly. - What's he saying? 254 00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,486 Can you hear what he's sayin'? 255 00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:04,228 I think he just called her a bitch. 256 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:05,839 Good. 257 00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:10,408 And now the organist will begin playing 258 00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:11,801 "Here Comes the Bride" 259 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:14,021 and she does. 260 00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:16,850 [sighs] Alright, big smile 261 00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:19,635 pretend I'm not smelling salami and Aqua Velva. 262 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,552 You need to tell your mom to back off. 263 00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:26,424 I don't know why she's been getting so wedding-crazy lately. 264 00:11:26,511 --> 00:11:27,817 And during the actual ceremony 265 00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,297 we're goin' elevator rules 266 00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:30,777 eyes forward, mouth shut. 267 00:11:30,864 --> 00:11:32,300 I'm not saying, I don't wanna get married. 268 00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:34,432 I just got a few loose ends I need to tie up first. 269 00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:35,869 Why are you tellin' me all this? 270 00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:37,218 Why don't you just tell her? 271 00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:39,350 How can I tell my fiancee I'm still married? 272 00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:44,181 - What? - He said he's still married. 273 00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:47,228 You son of a bitch! 274 00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:48,838 Sweetie, come on, you know I love you. 275 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,666 - Joyce, let me explain, please. - Mom? 276 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:52,537 - Mommy? - Mom? Mom! 277 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,543 We're all still going to The Olive Garden, aren't we? 278 00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,422 Come on, Red. Can't we talk about this? 279 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,293 Go talk to your wife! 280 00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:12,296 I told you, I haven't seen that broad for 15 years. 281 00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:14,211 Well, you better find her again, 'cause you're gonna need 282 00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,300 a place to live. 283 00:12:16,387 --> 00:12:19,913 The night before my wedding's turning out fun, huh? 284 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,002 You been sitting on this info all this time? 285 00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:23,960 I could never seem to find the perfect moment 286 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,702 to introduce the topic. 287 00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:27,834 Well, you sure nailed it, you know what 288 00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:29,096 I have to hit you in the face. 289 00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:30,706 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 290 00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:33,535 Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, honey, honey! 291 00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,015 Now, go upstairs and take care of your mom 292 00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:36,494 and I'll handle this. 293 00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:37,669 You're gonna kill him, right? 294 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:38,932 Please tell me you're gonna kill him. 295 00:12:39,019 --> 00:12:42,326 If I say yes, it's premeditated. 296 00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,024 Smart. I love you. 297 00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:46,113 Make it hurt. 298 00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:48,898 What the hell were you thinkin'? 299 00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,900 What, it was a drunken fling 300 00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:52,336 that ended after three weeks 301 00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,295 and I've been spending the last 15 years 302 00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:56,253 trying to get her to sign the divorce papers. 303 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,342 So why didn't you tell Joyce about this before? 304 00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,780 I thought I could take care of it before it became an issue 305 00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:05,088 but thanks to you, now everybody's got wedding fever. 306 00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:07,787 That's true, I'll bet that's why I said 307 00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:11,138 "I love you" way too soon. 308 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,793 Look, in two days, you can both blame me 309 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,098 for your messed up lives. 310 00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:17,144 But right now, we need to fix this. 311 00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:20,321 I, I'm gonna go talk to Joyce. I'll smooth this over. 312 00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:22,018 The wedding will go off without a hitch. 313 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:24,499 [Joyce] 'Get him and his crap out of here!' 314 00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,940 Perhaps the wounds are still too fresh. 315 00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:38,818 [knock on door] 316 00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,996 Mom finally fell asleep and she didn't even finish 317 00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,215 her second bottle of wine. 318 00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:46,826 Had to slip it out of her grip and replace it 319 00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,305 with a soup can. 320 00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:52,092 Give it. 321 00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:54,355 Kinda figured you'd be in a drinking mood. 322 00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:55,660 I thought the night before my wedding 323 00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:57,053 I'd get to be the crazy one. 324 00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,621 I didn't even make the top ten today. 325 00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:04,756 Well, if it makes you feel any better 326 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,803 the church looks beautiful. 327 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:10,153 Christina and I hung all the ribbons 328 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,200 and arranged all the flowers. 329 00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:16,594 Thanks for doing that. You're a good maid of honor. 330 00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:19,989 Which reminds me, got a little something for you. 331 00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:21,208 What? 332 00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:24,733 I was gonna give it to you tomorrow 333 00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:27,649 but I thought you might need a little cheering up. 334 00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,825 Oh, the garter. 335 00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,523 I had it made for you 336 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,656 from one of dad's old silk ties. 337 00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:39,008 - Really? - Yeah. 338 00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:43,273 Old, new, borrowed, and blue 339 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,449 in one convenient package. 340 00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:49,627 That's so sweet. 341 00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:52,456 So, in just a little way.. 342 00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:55,198 ...dad will kinda be walking with you down the aisle. 343 00:14:58,288 --> 00:15:01,552 I'm so happy you're my sister. 344 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:04,381 Me too. 345 00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:07,167 Will you please wear a bra tomorrow? 346 00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,177 [Vince] Listen, it was a long time ago 347 00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:19,744 and I got swept up in the whole May December romance. 348 00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:21,833 Who knew she was gonna turn into such a vindictive 349 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,487 ball-breaker? 350 00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:24,706 Well, what happened the last time you tried 351 00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:25,750 to get her to sign the papers? 352 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,230 She kicked me in the nuts. 353 00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:29,145 What part of ball-breaker don't you understand? 354 00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:33,106 Have you ever thought that maybe she was hurt 355 00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:34,411 because you didn't return her love? 356 00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:37,284 Carl, one problem at a time, okay? 357 00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:38,850 Here it is. 358 00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:43,116 Now, just be nice, introduce me and I'll do the talkin'. 359 00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:44,900 [Francine] 'Who the hell is it?' 360 00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:47,294 Look through the peephole, you bug-eyed bitch! 361 00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:48,817 Vince! 362 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,605 Brought your goons, huh, Moranto? 363 00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:55,911 How old is she? 364 00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:57,565 I told you, it was May December. 365 00:15:57,652 --> 00:15:59,871 I'm the May. 366 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:00,960 Yeah, but she's not December. 367 00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:03,527 She's the following July. 368 00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:06,139 Fifteen years ago, she was a very doable 60. 369 00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:09,055 Look, I told you the only way 370 00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:11,840 you're gonna get my signature on those papers 371 00:16:11,927 --> 00:16:13,668 is over my dead body. 372 00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:16,366 That could take months! 373 00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:18,107 He's getting married tomorrow. 374 00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:20,457 Vince, shut up! 375 00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:23,939 Listen, uh, Mrs. Moranto 376 00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:27,682 your husband is engaged to my future mother-in-law. 377 00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:30,554 Found another trusting sap to fall 378 00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:32,469 for your swarthy good looks 379 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,950 and sophisticated charms, huh? 380 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,257 Yeah, and I love her, Francine. 381 00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:39,259 So release me from your witch's curse 382 00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,087 and sign the damn papers! 383 00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:42,914 Vince, heel! 384 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,743 He batted those beautiful long lashes 385 00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,832 at me and time stood still. 386 00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:51,140 Not according to your liver spots. 387 00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,229 You know what it's like to love someone 388 00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,405 and not have them love you back? 389 00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:58,060 - Do I? - Here we go. 390 00:16:58,147 --> 00:16:59,366 It's humiliating. 391 00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,932 They don't return your affections 392 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,412 and you wanna punish 'em, and yet you love 'em 393 00:17:02,499 --> 00:17:04,197 too much to ever wish any real harm on 'em. 394 00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:07,939 Well, that's where you and I differ. 395 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,464 Look, I'm sorry that things went wrong between you two 396 00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:12,379 but maybe you should just sign these papers 397 00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:13,902 so you can get on with the rest your life. 398 00:17:13,989 --> 00:17:16,470 - What's left of it. - Vince. 399 00:17:19,299 --> 00:17:20,300 What do you say? 400 00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:21,692 Same thing I been saying 401 00:17:21,779 --> 00:17:23,868 for the last 15 years. 402 00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,610 I'm not signin' anything till he pays me 403 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,569 the ten grand he owes me. 404 00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:30,092 You owe her ten grand? 405 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,138 I borrowed two, and she's been doubling 406 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:34,444 the vig annually for 15 years 407 00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:36,490 which is a nice way to treat your husband. 408 00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:39,667 - You took my youth! - I never saw your youth! 409 00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:42,713 The man who took your youth was wearing a powdered wig! 410 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,106 Vince! 411 00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,460 - Would you take 3000? - Eight. 412 00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:51,896 Five, and you can kick him in the nuts again. 413 00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,333 Deal. 414 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,161 Get out your checkbook and take a deep breath. 415 00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:57,685 - Let me change shoes. - Okay. 416 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,607 [sighs] 417 00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:11,612 - Oh! What are you doing here? - I hope you don't mind. 418 00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,135 Apparently, there's a tradition that the bride 419 00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:14,267 and groom have to sleep apart 420 00:18:14,354 --> 00:18:15,442 the night before the wedding. 421 00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:17,270 Pfft, tradition is not shacking up 422 00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:18,488 before you're married. 423 00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:19,837 They used to check the brides 424 00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:21,709 to make sure they were still virgins. 425 00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:23,928 Whole town knew if she had her hymen. 426 00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,846 Simpler times, huh, mom? 427 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:33,460 Well, it's been a long day.. 428 00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:35,418 ...and I just wanna get some sleep. 429 00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:38,073 Quite a dust-up at the rehearsal tonight, huh? 430 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,770 Yeah, it's fine. 431 00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,903 Vince is going over there now to mend fences 432 00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:44,558 and ice his privates. 433 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,429 Hoo, I hope you know what you're doing 434 00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,779 marrying into a crazy family like that. 435 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,742 I had my money on you and dad binge the main event. 436 00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:56,222 Happy to be wrong. 437 00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:58,920 [Jack] 'Margaret, you coming back to bed?' 438 00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,620 I'll be up in a minute. 439 00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,666 Keep your pants off. 440 00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,670 Does this little fleabag have to be in bed 441 00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:11,106 with us the whole time? 442 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:14,675 Oh, hey, boy. I didn't hear you come in. 443 00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,938 You better get some shut-eye. You got a big day tomorrow. 444 00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,200 And an even bigger night. 445 00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:20,289 Hey, save the dirty talk for the bedroom. 446 00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:22,813 I'm just teasin' him. Can't I tease my own boy? 447 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,598 [Margaret] 'Don't think you can waltz back in here' 448 00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:26,252 'and act like the King of Siam.' 449 00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:29,037 'You're still as lippy as ever, aren't you, Margaret?' 450 00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,170 You don't know the half of it. 451 00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,791 [theme music]