Thanks for taking us out tonight, you guys.
It's a nice little break from all the wedding chaos.
Trust me, girl, with all your relatives in town
it's only gonna get worse.
Tell me about it, I'm guessing I'll be spending
most of the reception trying to keep my mom's foot
out of my dad's ass.
Which reminds me, we have to call the caterer
and have them switch from steak knives
to butter knives.
Why not play it safe and go all plastic?
Nah, my mom can make a shiv out of anything.
We should just serve soup and tear your own bread.
And cold soup, something that won't blister a face.
Just so you know, whatever you guys need
Christina and I are there for you, right, baby?
Of course, the biggest mistake my ex-husband
and I made was letting ourselves get caught up
in everybody else's crazy.
Well, this is my wedding, and that means nobody else
gets to be crazier than me.
El Loco Grande.
Si, senorita. Muy, muy loco.
By the way, did you decide where you're sleeping
tomorrow night?
She's testing me.
Right by your side, baby.
No, you're not.
It's the night before the wedding, you have
to stay somewhere else.
- Why? - Because it's tradition.
One night apart before we're joined together
you know, for the rest of our lives.
Plus, at the crack of dawn, that house
is gonna be filled with nervous women
drinking mimosas, primping, plucking
and snapping at each other.
Carl, I'm stayin' at your house tomorrow night.
Well, that's fine with me, but my grandma
has her Christian senior domino club over
and that's not the place to be if you're trying
to avoid spiteful women with a snoot full.
Why don't you stay with your mom?
Maybe the same reason I don't chew on tin foil
or try to kiss bears.
Come on, it'd mean a lot to her
to have her little boy there on his last night
of being an unmarried man.
Boy, you really want me to run screaming
down that aisle, don't you?
A sense of urgency would be nice.
Anything for you, my bride.
- I love you. - I love you too.
- Isn't that beautiful? - Yes, it is.
I love you, Christina.
Aw!
That's sweet.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
Sweetie, if there's anything else
you need me to do, just ask.
Okay, talk to you later.
You, too.
I can't.
Yes, he is.
Alright.
Love you too.
No, I don't think he heard.
- Molly says "Hi." - Uh-huh.
I can't believe Christina left me hangin' like that.
What are you talking about?
Y-you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I told that woman I loved her laid my heart out
in front of her and she chopped it up
like we were at Benihana's.
Well, maybe she didn't hear you.
Please! The whole restaurant heard me.
The busboy gave me a hug on the way out.
You put her on the spot, and even if she did
feel that way, she was probably too embarrassed to say it.
I wasn't too embarrassed to say it until
she didn't say it back, then I wanted to roll up
the tablecloth and hang myself from a chandelier.
You certainly covered it well by telling the waiter
all of his dessert selections were stupid.
Hey, she didn't have to come out and say the actual words.
I would have been fine with a me too
or a ditto or a aye-aye, Captain Dreamboat.
Well, if it's any consolation, I love ya.
- See how it feels? - Aah!
So this is what you meant by your good black suit?
It's 100 percent Angus.
This baby retailed for two grand.
I got it for 300 smackers and a crate of Canadian Tylenol.
You think it's a good idea for a man who sweats
the way you do to be wrapped in a sausage casing?
I'll be fine, I took a leather punch
and ventilated the crotch.
Is that the suit you're planning on walking me
down the aisle in?
What do you think?
I think you need to give it back
to the cow and apologize.
Well, they didn't actually live long enough
to be considered cows.
- Technically, it's a veal suit. - Oh!
Mom, I did this as a favor for you
but I'm not walking down the aisle with a guy
dressed like a gay hitman.
Vince, you're gonna have to find something else.
When am I gonna get a chance to wear this?
-
Why you driving yourself so crazy?
The only thing people remember about a wedding
is the dried chicken and which bridesmaid
got drunk and flashed her cans.
That reminds me, make sure Victoria wears a bra.
I'll do my best, but it's like keeping a hat on a dog.
You better get used to this, you know, we're gonna
go through the same thing when we get hitched.
What are you talkin' about, you said
you didn't want a big wedding.
Well, my first one was with a justice
of the peace and now I'm thinkin'
I'd like a nice church ceremony.
Hey, let those kids blow their money on wedding crap.
For geezers like us, I'd rather save it
for something practical, like new hips or an RV.
He is gonna need a hip replacement soon.
Oh, so much of him needs to be replaced.
This is gorgeous, Andre.
I look like a portly James Bond.
Double-X Seven.
Yeah, normally I look pretty hideous
in formal wear, but purr, kitty, purr.
Well, here at Andre's Big and Tall
everybody walks out with a smile.
And not just because of the free Tootsie roll
we hide in every pocket.
- Cool! - Excellent!
Hey, I'm telling you, I didn't even bring it up
with Christina in the car.
And when she tried to engage
I just gave her short one-word answers.
I see, so you were pouting like little baby bitch.
No, I was maintaining my dignity like a man.
Who was pouting like a little baby bitch.
See, I open up to you and all you do is make jokes.
- I love you, Carl. - Shut up!
Well, looks like we're gonna have to find
something for you fellas in our boys' department.
You're probably a husky medium
and I'm guessing you're a tall, small.
Kind of a bummer not being able to find
clothes that fit, huh?
Who's the freak now?
Take it easy, Harry.
They are visitors to our plus-sized planet.
Sorry, I got a little full of myself
but seriously, I'm sweet syrup
in an Aunt Jemima bottle.
Carl, you need to let this whole Christina thing go.
At least until after we get through the wedding.
Hey, I'm not gonna bring it up at all.
In fact, I'm gonna ice her completely out
and flirt with Molly's sister.
No, you're not, I got enough to worry about
trying to keep my mom and dad from turnin'
that rehearsal into a bloodbath.
Besides, I plan on being all over Molly's pothead sister
like a warlord on a UN food drop.
Listen, buster, her name's Victoria
and you can consider her off-limits.
I'll trade you my complimentary Tootsie Roll.
You can't buy me with a Tootsie Roll.
Ten Tootsie Rolls.
Show 'em to me.
Guys!
Nobody's got dibs on anyone
nobody's icing anyone out.
You're gonna be on your best behavior
because this is my wedding
and it's gonna be beautiful
magical, and filled with love.
Maybe not so much for you.
That's it. Somebody hold my big coat.
- I'll get him! Kill him! - Oh, you want it?
Kill him! Kill him!
Son, I know you're nervous
but I've performed 100 of these weddings
and trust me when I tell you
everything will be fine tomorrow.
I'm not worried about tomorrow, I'm worried about tonight.
This place is a powder keg and each one of these nuts
has a pocket full of matches.
Now, Marcus, you know, I'm singing two songs, right?
One as people are filing in and one
after the, I do's.
Uh, Sister Rosetta, I'm aware
of the order of events, and I would prefer
that you address me as Brother Heywood
when I'm at work.
Well, forgive me, Brother Heywood.
Oh, and would you tell Marcus he left
his suspenders hanging on my doorknob this morning.
What can I say?
I got God in my heart and the Devil in my pants.
Alright.
'Could the usher please bring down'
'the mother of the groom?'
Mrs. Biggs, it's showtime.
One, step together.
- Two, step together. - Slow down, Chumley.
I'm dropping three bills on a dress
and 75 on a girdle.
Let the people soak it in.
And you'll sit the mother of the groom next to the father.
When Jesus climbs off his cross and does the Macarena.
Everything doesn't have to be about you, Margaret.
Now grab some wood and pipe down.
Your days of bossin' me around are over
you slack-jawed bastard.
Mom, house of God.
If you'd shut your pie hole and get on with this
I could be sitting at Wrigley Field sipping a beer.
Why don't you sit on an El track
with a bellyful of sleeping pills!
Just put him on my side!
Dad, just move over to Molly's side.
Fine!
Eyeball me again, I'll rip off Fatty's arm
and beat you to death with it.
Mom, sit!
'And, uh, now the mother of the bride.'
Isn't this beautiful?
I don't think Vince and I are too old
for a traditional wedding. Do you?
Oh, God, no. You're still a very vibrant woman.
When I look at you, I can only imagine
how radiant Victoria will be when she's 70.
- Seventy? - Aw!
I can walk myself from here.
Oh, God, her tiny elbows are like knives.
And now the bridesmaid and groomsman
'followed by the best man and the maid of honor.'
Do you know what's going on with Carl?
He hasn't said two words to me since we got here.
Hard to say.
Carl is very childish in many ways.
Yeah, well, I wish he'd talk to me instead of--
Pouting like a little baby bitch?
- Exactly. - What's he saying?
Can you hear what he's sayin'?
I think he just called her a bitch.
Good.
And now the organist will begin playing
"Here Comes the Bride"
and she does.
[sighs] Alright, big smile
pretend I'm not smelling salami and Aqua Velva.
You need to tell your mom to back off.
I don't know why she's been getting so wedding-crazy lately.
And during the actual ceremony
we're goin' elevator rules
eyes forward, mouth shut.
I'm not saying, I don't wanna get married.
I just got a few loose ends I need to tie up first.
Why are you tellin' me all this?
Why don't you just tell her?
How can I tell my fiancee I'm still married?
- What? - He said he's still married.
You son of a bitch!
Sweetie, come on, you know I love you.
- Joyce, let me explain, please. - Mom?
- Mommy? - Mom? Mom!
We're all still going to The Olive Garden, aren't we?
Come on, Red. Can't we talk about this?
Go talk to your wife!
I told you, I haven't seen that broad for 15 years.
Well, you better find her again, 'cause you're gonna need
a place to live.
The night before my wedding's turning out fun, huh?
You been sitting on this info all this time?
I could never seem to find the perfect moment
to introduce the topic.
Well, you sure nailed it, you know what
I have to hit you in the face.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, honey, honey!
Now, go upstairs and take care of your mom
and I'll handle this.
You're gonna kill him, right?
Please tell me you're gonna kill him.
If I say yes, it's premeditated.
Smart. I love you.
Make it hurt.
What the hell were you thinkin'?
What, it was a drunken fling
that ended after three weeks
and I've been spending the last 15 years
trying to get her to sign the divorce papers.
So why didn't you tell Joyce about this before?
I thought I could take care of it before it became an issue
but thanks to you, now everybody's got wedding fever.
That's true, I'll bet that's why I said
"I love you" way too soon.
Look, in two days, you can both blame me
for your messed up lives.
But right now, we need to fix this.
I, I'm gonna go talk to Joyce. I'll smooth this over.
The wedding will go off without a hitch.
[Joyce] 'Get him and his crap out of here!'
Perhaps the wounds are still too fresh.
[knock on door]
Mom finally fell asleep and she didn't even finish
her second bottle of wine.
Had to slip it out of her grip and replace it
with a soup can.
Give it.
Kinda figured you'd be in a drinking mood.
I thought the night before my wedding
I'd get to be the crazy one.
I didn't even make the top ten today.
Well, if it makes you feel any better
the church looks beautiful.
Christina and I hung all the ribbons
and arranged all the flowers.
Thanks for doing that. You're a good maid of honor.
Which reminds me, got a little something for you.
What?
I was gonna give it to you tomorrow
but I thought you might need a little cheering up.
Oh, the garter.
I had it made for you
from one of dad's old silk ties.
- Really? - Yeah.
Old, new, borrowed, and blue
in one convenient package.
That's so sweet.
So, in just a little way..
...dad will kinda be walking with you down the aisle.
I'm so happy you're my sister.
Me too.
Will you please wear a bra tomorrow?
[Vince] Listen, it was a long time ago
and I got swept up in the whole May December romance.
Who knew she was gonna turn into such a vindictive
ball-breaker?
Well, what happened the last time you tried
to get her to sign the papers?
She kicked me in the nuts.
What part of ball-breaker don't you understand?
Have you ever thought that maybe she was hurt
because you didn't return her love?
Carl, one problem at a time, okay?
Here it is.
Now, just be nice, introduce me and I'll do the talkin'.
[Francine] 'Who the hell is it?'
Look through the peephole, you bug-eyed bitch!
Vince!
Brought your goons, huh, Moranto?
How old is she?
I told you, it was May December.
I'm the May.
Yeah, but she's not December.
She's the following July.
Fifteen years ago, she was a very doable 60.
Look, I told you the only way
you're gonna get my signature on those papers
is over my dead body.
That could take months!
He's getting married tomorrow.
Vince, shut up!
Listen, uh, Mrs. Moranto
your husband is engaged to my future mother-in-law.
Found another trusting sap to fall
for your swarthy good looks
and sophisticated charms, huh?
Yeah, and I love her, Francine.
So release me from your witch's curse
and sign the damn papers!
Vince, heel!
He batted those beautiful long lashes
at me and time stood still.
Not according to your liver spots.
You know what it's like to love someone
and not have them love you back?
- Do I? - Here we go.
It's humiliating.
They don't return your affections
and you wanna punish 'em, and yet you love 'em
too much to ever wish any real harm on 'em.
Well, that's where you and I differ.
Look, I'm sorry that things went wrong between you two
but maybe you should just sign these papers
so you can get on with the rest your life.
- What's left of it. - Vince.
What do you say?
Same thing I been saying
for the last 15 years.
I'm not signin' anything till he pays me
the ten grand he owes me.
You owe her ten grand?
I borrowed two, and she's been doubling
the vig annually for 15 years
which is a nice way to treat your husband.
- You took my youth! - I never saw your youth!
The man who took your youth was wearing a powdered wig!
Vince!
- Would you take 3000? - Eight.
Five, and you can kick him in the nuts again.
Deal.
Get out your checkbook and take a deep breath.
- Let me change shoes. - Okay.
[sighs]
- Oh! What are you doing here? - I hope you don't mind.
Apparently, there's a tradition that the bride
and groom have to sleep apart
the night before the wedding.
Pfft, tradition is not shacking up
before you're married.
They used to check the brides
to make sure they were still virgins.
Whole town knew if she had her hymen.
Simpler times, huh, mom?
Well, it's been a long day..
...and I just wanna get some sleep.
Quite a dust-up at the rehearsal tonight, huh?
Yeah, it's fine.
Vince is going over there now to mend fences
and ice his privates.
Hoo, I hope you know what you're doing
marrying into a crazy family like that.
I had my money on you and dad binge the main event.
Happy to be wrong.
[Jack] 'Margaret, you coming back to bed?'
I'll be up in a minute.
Keep your pants off.
Does this little fleabag have to be in bed
with us the whole time?
Oh, hey, boy. I didn't hear you come in.
You better get some shut-eye. You got a big day tomorrow.
And an even bigger night.
Hey, save the dirty talk for the bedroom.
I'm just teasin' him. Can't I tease my own boy?
[Margaret] 'Don't think you can waltz back in here'
'and act like the King of Siam.'
'You're still as lippy as ever, aren't you, Margaret?'
You don't know the half of it.
[theme music]