People have a year to give you a wedding present.
Shouldn't we get a year to thank 'em?
That sounds suspiciously like your theory
for not taking down the Christmas lights.
Hey, in the summer months, I may look
like a lazy load, but the day after Thanksgiving
I'm the neighborhood go-getter.
What's cute is that you actually believe that.
Ah!
What? Another one? Come on.
I told you we have a limited amount
of classy thank-you cards.
Then we're down to kittens
in a basket saying, "Thank mew""
I spelled "Beautiful" wrong.
You don't want me to look like an idiot, do you?
I gave up that fight when you started
wearing tube socks and sandals.
I'm not gonna apologize for being comfortable.
And "Beautiful" is the least of your problems here.
Fondue is not spelled with three O's.
It's a stupid gift anyway.
Always dropping the little forks
then you got to stick your hand
in the hot cheese.
No, you don't have to.
You choose to.
Well, maybe I'd do better if I had one of those
little desks like you got.
Well, when we used our Brookstone gift card
you should've gotten one instead of your
battery-operated back scratcher.
Hey, that was a smart purchase.
Besides, that baby is way more efficient
than the manual kind.
What are you talking about, the spatula
or the big tree in the backyard?
[chuckles]
[Joyce and Vince moaning]
Must be ten o'clock.
Mom and Vince's Blue Pill Express
is pulling into the station.
Ah, it used to bother me
but now I can't fall asleep without it.
It's like ocean sounds.
It's like two old boats banging hulls.
[laughs] It's not..
[Vince] 'Oh, God! Oh, my God!'
It shouldn't last too much longer.
He ate, like, three big plates
of spaghetti.
Hurry! I think I broke Vince.
Great. Now we can't return him.
[groans]
What, are you developing film?
Oh, what happened?
I threw my back out.
That's what you get for doing it on the floor.
We weren't doing it on the floor.
We're not animals.
Yeah, we were doing it reverse prairie dog style
and I slipped on a strawberry.
That's what happened to the strawberries.
Well, we should take him to the emergency room.
No, no doctors.
I just need bed rest
and some Korean mamasan
to make jumpy-jumpy on my spine.
Well, lift him up and get him onto the bed.
Wait, wait, wait. He's covered in coconut oil.
I wondered why I was craving a Mounds bar.
Just-just grab a couple tufts
of back hair and use it as a handle.
There's still an hour left on the Viagra
so for God's sake, don't roll me over on my stomach.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
- Oh, hey, mom. - Oh, morning.
Where are you going?
Yoga class.
These ankles don't put themselves behind my head.
- What about Vince? - What about him?
- Is he gonna be okay? - He's fine.
I gave him one of my Percocets, he's sleeping like a baby.
At least I think it was a Percocet.
Maybe it was an estrogen pill.
Well, if his boobs get any bigger, we'll know, right?
Mom?
- 'Careful. Watch my head.' - 'Shut up and quit squirming.'
[Mike] 'You're lucky I found you.'
Did you wash your hands after you got off the dumper?
'Cause I don't wanna get pinkeye.
What's going on?
I found him curled up on the floor outside the bathroom.
Waited out there for 20 minutes
while Sir Craps-A-Lot sat on his throne.
The doctor told me not to push.
Did he tell you to stuff your musket
with the occasional bran muffin?
Hey, I have increased my fiber significantly.
It takes a couple days to get the troops moving.
- Okay, boys, enough shop talk. - I'm sorry.
Sometimes he really gets under my skin.
Like there's any room under there.
You, shut up and you, don't engage him.
Could you at least turn me the other way?
- What's the difference? - I'm Italian.
We like to face the door.
My hunch is the bullet that gets you
is coming from inside the house.
Just relax. Mom will be home in a couple of hours.
I'm starving. Could one of you make me some oatmeal?
Maybe a nice Denver omelet?
Don't look at me. I'm late for work.
This whole "Not pushing" thing has really
thrown off my schedule.
- Mike. - Sorry.
Oatmeal, no omelet.
- Just the oatmeal. - Okay.
But I don't like my oats too dry or too soupy.
I like 'em just right.
I'm the baby bear.
That's me eating lunch
right outside the Louvre in Paris.
Is that where they got the Mona Lisa?
I don't know, I didn't go in.
But while I was waiting for Molly
I had the best crepe of my life.
And I have had my share of crepes.
You've had everybody's share of crepes.
Now, did you grow a mustache while you were there?
Some of it's mustache.
- Most of it's Nutella. - Mm.
What's that you're eating under the Eiffel Tower?
A fresh baguette with salami and cheese.
Don't let the simplicity fool you.
It was a game-changer.
Is that all you did, was walk around
eating crepes and sandwiches?
Of course not. It was Paris.
Ignoring the croissants would be criminal.
They had this one, it was filled with either peach or apricot..
I got a picture somewhere.
Man, I-I don't need photographic proof that you eat.
Your burps paint a picture all day long.
You know, I really didn't gain much weight, though.
'Cause Paris is a walking city.
Yeah, you just stroll the cobblestone streets for hours.
Must've been quite a sight, with all those food carts
and stray dogs following you around.
Ah, Gay Paree.
Beautiful "City of Lights."
I can still hear it calling my name.
And it's probably saying, "Mike, your order is ready."
What is, what is that you are eating outside of Notre Dame?
- It looks like a pig's head. - It is a pig's head.
- Nothing goes to waste there. - Oh.
Yeah, not with you in town.
Oh, before I forget
thank you.
- And thank you. - What is this?
Thank-you cards for your thoughtful
and useful wedding gifts.
Oh, no, you don't! I want this mailed to me.
Don't be ridiculous, just take it.
Hey, I-I sweated over finding you the perfect gift
and I expect to find a proper thank-you in the mailbox.
Come on, you're gonna make me go through all that?
You poor man, first you have to unwrap all of those gifts
and now you have to lick a stamp.
Just pretend it's gelato.
Oh, I didn't even show you the gelato pictures.
Now, the setting is the Arc de Triomphe
the flavor is Cafe De Leche.
[Vince] 'Hello? Did someone come home?'
'I'm in the downstairs can'
'and I'm in a bit of a pickle.'
'Come on! I heard keys jingling.'
'I know it's you, Molly.'
'I smell butter rum Life Savers.'
Damn it.
- Where's mom? - 'She went AWOL.'
'You're all I got, butter rum.'
What do you need? Toilet paper or magazine?
If it's toilet paper, use a magazine.
'Please, just help me.'
Alright. Here I come.
- Are you decent? - 'Yes. Hurry.'
This better not..
[screams] 'No!'
You are naked! You lied to me!
I had to. I'm in survival mode.
Help me out of this tub. The water's ice cold.
Which explains why Mr. Turtle is in his shell.
Shut up! Don't speak!
For God's sakes, cover yourself!
Okay, the keys are under the mat.
Marco.
I know where you are.
Let's just get this over with.
Just grab my arm and start pulling.
The minute I hit the floor, I can walrus my way
back to the couch.
Ew. Why are you so slippery?
I apply conditioner to my arm hair.
Makes it supple.
Plus, when the wind hits it
it ripples like a field of wheat.
Alright, we're going on three.
One, two
three. Oh!
Ow! Oh, God!
- My back! - Oh, God!
- You're killing my back! - What am I touching?
What am I touching? Don't tell me!
[Vince screaming]
[both screaming]
[Vince grunting]
Be careful! I'm in agony here!
Oh, really? 'Cause I'm having the time of my life.
This would be a lot easier if you oiled my fanny.
For the third time, no!
Aah! Watch those turns!
[thud] 'Ow!'
'Slow down! I'm lapping my scrotum!'
Shut up, or I'll drag you straight to the street!
Seriously, I'm losing skin like a pencil eraser!
Just spray a little Pam in my crack!
And here is where we part ways.
You're gonna abandon me here in the middle of nowhere?
The couch is right here.
Come on, dumpling, you can do it.
You're strong like bull.
Yeah, and you're stupid like jackass. Adios!
You're really gonna leave me here?
Yeah, that was the plan!
Look, please, help me back up on the couch, please.
Fine!
Alright, on three.
[Both] One, two.
Three, go!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Ugh! Okay, this is twice, that's shame on you!
[Vince] 'Where's my soup?'
I'm making it!
'What's throwing you the curveball'
'the can opener or the knobs on the stove?'
Thank God you're home. I need your help.
- What's going on? - Mom's gone missing.
And I've been left to take care of Vince.
I had to drag his wet, naked body
out of the tub and onto the couch.
Ew.
I can still hear his squeaky butt cheeks..
...just dragging across the bathroom tiles.
Stop it, Molly, you're scaring me.
You don't know fear until you've splashed down
face first, into the briny depths of Vincent Moranto!
You know what, I'm gonna go look for ma.
No! No! You get back here!
You coward!
[door slams]
Are you eating my soup?
Yes, I am! Mmm-mmm good!
Oh, good, somebody called the cops.
How you feeling? You're back still bothering you?
Yeah and your wife cannon-balling me
in the bathtub didn't help.
Thank God you're home.
- Are we having soup? - No.
It's for baby bear, and you're feeding him, papa.
What? I just walked in the door.
Hey, you wanna know what I found
when I walked in the door?
That! Naked and wet in the bathtub!
- Oh! - Look at it!
Look at it!
For God's sake, I'm a human being!
We'll take a hair sample and see
what a biologist has to say about that.
Just feed him the soup.
I'm gonna go take a shower
since the downstairs bathtub is now a crime scene!
Feed me slow.
Don't shovel it in like the way you eat.
Guess mom thinks, 'cause she pays the mortgage
she's got live-in help.
Yeah, but you give her money every month.
Well, that's technically for a short-term loan
she gave me six years ago.
What about the money I give you?
Can we please stay on point?
Sure.
[bell ringing]
[Vince] 'Hello? I can't reach the remote!'
Why'd you give him that bell?
The real question is, why did your Aunt Trudy
give it to us as a wedding present?
Aunt Trudy gave us that?
I thanked Cousin Kevin for it.
Why would your meth-head cousin give us a little porcelain bell?
The real question is, why would Aunt Trudy
give us Lynyrd Skynyrd do-rags?
Oh, no, I-I think all of my thank-you cards
might be off by one.
Mike..
[Vince] 'Hello? Hurry!'
'The channel's stuck on Telemundo!'
It's your turn to go down.
Hey, I fed him, powdered him
and carried him to the toilet.
I'll give you my lap desk..
...and $400.
Is that the $400 I gave you to give to your mom?
Oh, fine, I'll go.
Keep doing your cards.
"Thank you for the sliver cundlestucks."
I may not be right-handed.
[woman speaking Spanish on TV]
Damn you, evolution.
Monkey feet would be perfect right now.
Quit ringing the bell, Quasimodo.
I was kind of hoping for Mike.
I want him to turn me on my side
'cause I need to break wind.
Do you have any boundaries at all?
Hey, I said "Break wind."
What-what you want me to hold out my pinky?
No, thanks. I've already seen your pinky.
- Joyce. - Mom.
Mom!
I swear to God, if you take off again..
Oh, come on. What are you, Spider-Man?
Over here.
What is going on with you?
I didn't sign up for this.
Vince is supposed to be my young stud.
He's supposed to take care of me.
Yeah, he almost paralyzed himself taking care of you.
Mm. That's how it starts.
First he throws his back out having sex
then he breaks a hip having sex
then he has a heart attack having sex.
What kind of sex are you guys having?
Don't! Oh, God, don't tell me.
You already ruined strawberries for me.
I'm not gonna watch another man die.
I went through it with your father..
...I can't do it again.
Is that what this is about?
Mom, Vince is not dying.
Hm, doesn't mean I won't try to kill him.
But at this moment he's fine.
[sighs]
I know this sounds crazy..
...but when I saw him sprawled out
on the floor like that..
...I panicked.
You can't live your life worrying and-and hiding.
I know, I know.
And mainly, you can't pawn him off on me
every time you get spooked.
I am so sorry.
You know, I saw things today that I can't unsee.
Hey, nothing could be worse than walking in
on your husband buck naked on the scale
bending over so he can read the numbers.
Okay, now imagine the scale's view.
That was my day!
Ooh!
With all of Vince's body hair..
...that's a rough view.
I'm sayin'.
[bell ringing]
[Vince] 'Hello! I need to go pee again!'
For better or worse, mom.
Alright.
[bell ringing]
Ring that bell one more time
it's going inside you!
Mom's home!
And what is this I finally found in my mailbox this morning?
Looks like a prompt and thoughtful thank-you
that arrived via the US Postal Service.
Well, how very civilized.
- Hmm! - Why are you smelling it?
Well, sometimes people spray a little signature scent
on personal correspondence.
We're not lovers, Carl. Open the damn card.
Let me savor the anticipation.
"Carl, thank you so much for your thoughtful gift.
Molly and I both love the wiker placemats."
What are "Wiker" placemats?
It's pronounced "Wicker."
When it's spelled "Wicker."
This says "Wiker."
And I didn't even give you placemats.
I gave you a fondue pot.
Oh, crap. You must've been in the first batch.
I hadn't nailed down my system yet.
I didn't order grapefruit.
And I didn't give you a "Buttful breed maker""
That's "Beautiful bread maker."
Some of that's my handwriting.
Oh, so you did use your hands.
I was wrong, Carl.
Well, I'll expect a correction in the mail next week
and a personal invitation to a fondue party.
But, why, I do like the kittens in the basket.
"Thank mew."
[theme music]