1 00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:05,222 People have a year to give you a wedding present. 2 00:00:05,309 --> 00:00:06,876 Shouldn't we get a year to thank 'em? 3 00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:08,530 That sounds suspiciously like your theory 4 00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:10,836 for not taking down the Christmas lights. 5 00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:13,665 Hey, in the summer months, I may look 6 00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,754 like a lazy load, but the day after Thanksgiving 7 00:00:15,841 --> 00:00:18,409 I'm the neighborhood go-getter. 8 00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:20,629 What's cute is that you actually believe that. 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,197 Ah! 10 00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,373 What? Another one? Come on. 11 00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:26,765 I told you we have a limited amount 12 00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,115 of classy thank-you cards. 13 00:00:28,202 --> 00:00:29,159 Then we're down to kittens 14 00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:30,856 in a basket saying, "Thank mew"" 15 00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:33,772 I spelled "Beautiful" wrong. 16 00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:35,209 You don't want me to look like an idiot, do you? 17 00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:36,819 I gave up that fight when you started 18 00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:38,647 wearing tube socks and sandals. 19 00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,433 I'm not gonna apologize for being comfortable. 20 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,611 And "Beautiful" is the least of your problems here. 21 00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:49,266 Fondue is not spelled with three O's. 22 00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,182 It's a stupid gift anyway. 23 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,531 Always dropping the little forks 24 00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:54,576 then you got to stick your hand 25 00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:55,794 in the hot cheese. 26 00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:57,535 No, you don't have to. 27 00:00:57,622 --> 00:00:59,015 You choose to. 28 00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:02,801 Well, maybe I'd do better if I had one of those 29 00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:04,368 little desks like you got. 30 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,022 Well, when we used our Brookstone gift card 31 00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,415 you should've gotten one instead of your 32 00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:09,417 battery-operated back scratcher. 33 00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,202 Hey, that was a smart purchase. 34 00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:14,117 Besides, that baby is way more efficient 35 00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:15,379 than the manual kind. 36 00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:16,728 What are you talking about, the spatula 37 00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:18,556 or the big tree in the backyard? 38 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,210 [chuckles] 39 00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:22,212 [Joyce and Vince moaning] 40 00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,955 Must be ten o'clock. 41 00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:27,609 Mom and Vince's Blue Pill Express 42 00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:29,089 is pulling into the station. 43 00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:31,830 Ah, it used to bother me 44 00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,441 but now I can't fall asleep without it. 45 00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:34,529 It's like ocean sounds. 46 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,577 It's like two old boats banging hulls. 47 00:01:39,664 --> 00:01:41,536 [laughs] It's not.. 48 00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:44,452 [Vince] 'Oh, God! Oh, my God!' 49 00:01:44,539 --> 00:01:45,757 It shouldn't last too much longer. 50 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:46,976 He ate, like, three big plates 51 00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,020 of spaghetti. 52 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,286 Hurry! I think I broke Vince. 53 00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,332 Great. Now we can't return him. 54 00:01:58,292 --> 00:01:59,858 [groans] 55 00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,384 What, are you developing film? 56 00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:06,430 Oh, what happened? 57 00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:08,171 I threw my back out. 58 00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,999 That's what you get for doing it on the floor. 59 00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:12,044 We weren't doing it on the floor. 60 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,090 We're not animals. 61 00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:16,614 Yeah, we were doing it reverse prairie dog style 62 00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:18,312 and I slipped on a strawberry. 63 00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:22,968 That's what happened to the strawberries. 64 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,883 Well, we should take him to the emergency room. 65 00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:26,058 No, no doctors. 66 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,103 I just need bed rest 67 00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,757 and some Korean mamasan 68 00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:31,325 to make jumpy-jumpy on my spine. 69 00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:32,891 Well, lift him up and get him onto the bed. 70 00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:35,024 Wait, wait, wait. He's covered in coconut oil. 71 00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:37,461 I wondered why I was craving a Mounds bar. 72 00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:41,073 Just-just grab a couple tufts 73 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,814 of back hair and use it as a handle. 74 00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:46,470 There's still an hour left on the Viagra 75 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:49,125 so for God's sake, don't roll me over on my stomach. 76 00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:56,567 ♪ For the first time ♪ 77 00:02:56,654 --> 00:03:00,005 ♪ In my life ♪ 78 00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:03,008 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 79 00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:18,981 - Oh, hey, mom. - Oh, morning. 80 00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:20,635 Where are you going? 81 00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:22,289 Yoga class. 82 00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:24,552 These ankles don't put themselves behind my head. 83 00:03:26,945 --> 00:03:28,643 - What about Vince? - What about him? 84 00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:30,732 - Is he gonna be okay? - He's fine. 85 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:34,214 I gave him one of my Percocets, he's sleeping like a baby. 86 00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:35,345 At least I think it was a Percocet. 87 00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:38,305 Maybe it was an estrogen pill. 88 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:40,350 Well, if his boobs get any bigger, we'll know, right? 89 00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,789 Mom? 90 00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:46,878 Mom? 91 00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,490 - 'Careful. Watch my head.' - 'Shut up and quit squirming.' 92 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,056 [Mike] 'You're lucky I found you.' 93 00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:53,276 Did you wash your hands after you got off the dumper? 94 00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,235 'Cause I don't wanna get pinkeye. 95 00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:59,064 What's going on? 96 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,980 I found him curled up on the floor outside the bathroom. 97 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:03,547 Waited out there for 20 minutes 98 00:04:03,634 --> 00:04:07,029 while Sir Craps-A-Lot sat on his throne. 99 00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:10,511 The doctor told me not to push. 100 00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,295 Did he tell you to stuff your musket 101 00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:14,341 with the occasional bran muffin? 102 00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:18,345 Hey, I have increased my fiber significantly. 103 00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,390 It takes a couple days to get the troops moving. 104 00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:23,567 - Okay, boys, enough shop talk. - I'm sorry. 105 00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:25,526 Sometimes he really gets under my skin. 106 00:04:25,613 --> 00:04:28,050 Like there's any room under there. 107 00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:30,748 You, shut up and you, don't engage him. 108 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,489 Could you at least turn me the other way? 109 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,230 - What's the difference? - I'm Italian. 110 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,972 We like to face the door. 111 00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:38,756 My hunch is the bullet that gets you 112 00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:40,889 is coming from inside the house. 113 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,023 Just relax. Mom will be home in a couple of hours. 114 00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:47,330 I'm starving. Could one of you make me some oatmeal? 115 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,376 Maybe a nice Denver omelet? 116 00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,682 Don't look at me. I'm late for work. 117 00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,293 This whole "Not pushing" thing has really 118 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,642 thrown off my schedule. 119 00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:56,470 - Mike. - Sorry. 120 00:04:58,907 --> 00:04:59,995 Oatmeal, no omelet. 121 00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,127 - Just the oatmeal. - Okay. 122 00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:05,261 But I don't like my oats too dry or too soupy. 123 00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:08,699 I like 'em just right. 124 00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,310 I'm the baby bear. 125 00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,144 That's me eating lunch 126 00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:22,017 right outside the Louvre in Paris. 127 00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,323 Is that where they got the Mona Lisa? 128 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:25,194 I don't know, I didn't go in. 129 00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:28,153 But while I was waiting for Molly 130 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,938 I had the best crepe of my life. 131 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:32,593 And I have had my share of crepes. 132 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,464 You've had everybody's share of crepes. 133 00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:38,512 Now, did you grow a mustache while you were there? 134 00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:39,948 Some of it's mustache. 135 00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,602 - Most of it's Nutella. - Mm. 136 00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,562 What's that you're eating under the Eiffel Tower? 137 00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,477 A fresh baguette with salami and cheese. 138 00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:49,827 Don't let the simplicity fool you. 139 00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:50,828 It was a game-changer. 140 00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:53,962 Is that all you did, was walk around 141 00:05:54,049 --> 00:05:55,659 eating crepes and sandwiches? 142 00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:57,574 Of course not. It was Paris. 143 00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,489 Ignoring the croissants would be criminal. 144 00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:05,060 They had this one, it was filled with either peach or apricot.. 145 00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:07,628 I got a picture somewhere. 146 00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:10,108 Man, I-I don't need photographic proof that you eat. 147 00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:12,154 Your burps paint a picture all day long. 148 00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:15,505 You know, I really didn't gain much weight, though. 149 00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:18,508 'Cause Paris is a walking city. 150 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:21,729 Yeah, you just stroll the cobblestone streets for hours. 151 00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:23,470 Must've been quite a sight, with all those food carts 152 00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,036 and stray dogs following you around. 153 00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,519 Ah, Gay Paree. 154 00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,260 Beautiful "City of Lights." 155 00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:33,001 I can still hear it calling my name. 156 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:35,569 And it's probably saying, "Mike, your order is ready." 157 00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:41,575 What is, what is that you are eating outside of Notre Dame? 158 00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,620 - It looks like a pig's head. - It is a pig's head. 159 00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:45,317 - Nothing goes to waste there. - Oh. 160 00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:48,233 Yeah, not with you in town. 161 00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,062 Oh, before I forget 162 00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,282 thank you. 163 00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:55,850 - And thank you. - What is this? 164 00:06:55,937 --> 00:06:57,373 Thank-you cards for your thoughtful 165 00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:58,940 and useful wedding gifts. 166 00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:01,508 Oh, no, you don't! I want this mailed to me. 167 00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:05,163 Don't be ridiculous, just take it. 168 00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,339 Hey, I-I sweated over finding you the perfect gift 169 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,472 and I expect to find a proper thank-you in the mailbox. 170 00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:12,867 Come on, you're gonna make me go through all that? 171 00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:15,609 You poor man, first you have to unwrap all of those gifts 172 00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:17,262 and now you have to lick a stamp. 173 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:21,615 Just pretend it's gelato. 174 00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,619 Oh, I didn't even show you the gelato pictures. 175 00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,579 Now, the setting is the Arc de Triomphe 176 00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,712 the flavor is Cafe De Leche. 177 00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:44,072 [Vince] 'Hello? Did someone come home?' 178 00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,465 'I'm in the downstairs can' 179 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:46,944 'and I'm in a bit of a pickle.' 180 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:53,037 'Come on! I heard keys jingling.' 181 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,343 'I know it's you, Molly.' 182 00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,693 'I smell butter rum Life Savers.' 183 00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,349 Damn it. 184 00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:02,482 - Where's mom? - 'She went AWOL.' 185 00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:04,484 'You're all I got, butter rum.' 186 00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,139 What do you need? Toilet paper or magazine? 187 00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,315 If it's toilet paper, use a magazine. 188 00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,668 'Please, just help me.' 189 00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:18,280 Alright. Here I come. 190 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,282 - Are you decent? - 'Yes. Hurry.' 191 00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:23,938 This better not.. 192 00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:26,157 [screams] 'No!' 193 00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:28,116 You are naked! You lied to me! 194 00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:29,900 I had to. I'm in survival mode. 195 00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:32,250 Help me out of this tub. The water's ice cold. 196 00:08:32,337 --> 00:08:35,340 Which explains why Mr. Turtle is in his shell. 197 00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:36,907 Shut up! Don't speak! 198 00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:39,214 For God's sakes, cover yourself! 199 00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:42,043 Okay, the keys are under the mat. 200 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,310 Marco. 201 00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:49,790 I know where you are. 202 00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,574 Let's just get this over with. 203 00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,445 Just grab my arm and start pulling. 204 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,926 The minute I hit the floor, I can walrus my way 205 00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:57,319 back to the couch. 206 00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:05,545 Ew. Why are you so slippery? 207 00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,503 I apply conditioner to my arm hair. 208 00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:08,635 Makes it supple. 209 00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:09,897 Plus, when the wind hits it 210 00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:12,247 it ripples like a field of wheat. 211 00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:15,642 Alright, we're going on three. 212 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,386 One, two 213 00:09:21,473 --> 00:09:22,474 three. Oh! 214 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,346 Ow! Oh, God! 215 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,087 - My back! - Oh, God! 216 00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:28,089 - You're killing my back! - What am I touching? 217 00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:29,917 What am I touching? Don't tell me! 218 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,527 Don't tell me! 219 00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:32,876 [Vince screaming] 220 00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,835 [both screaming] 221 00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:41,232 [Vince grunting] 222 00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,107 Be careful! I'm in agony here! 223 00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:49,240 Oh, really? 'Cause I'm having the time of my life. 224 00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:52,374 This would be a lot easier if you oiled my fanny. 225 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,289 For the third time, no! 226 00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,247 Aah! Watch those turns! 227 00:09:57,292 --> 00:09:59,773 [thud] 'Ow!' 228 00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:03,037 'Slow down! I'm lapping my scrotum!' 229 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:06,606 Shut up, or I'll drag you straight to the street! 230 00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:09,826 Seriously, I'm losing skin like a pencil eraser! 231 00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:12,176 Just spray a little Pam in my crack! 232 00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:16,790 And here is where we part ways. 233 00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,488 You're gonna abandon me here in the middle of nowhere? 234 00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:21,098 The couch is right here. 235 00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:23,361 Come on, dumpling, you can do it. 236 00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:24,928 You're strong like bull. 237 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,498 Yeah, and you're stupid like jackass. Adios! 238 00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,065 You're really gonna leave me here? 239 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,110 Yeah, that was the plan! 240 00:10:33,197 --> 00:10:36,200 Look, please, help me back up on the couch, please. 241 00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,944 Fine! 242 00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,862 Alright, on three. 243 00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,864 [Both] One, two. 244 00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:48,865 Three, go! 245 00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:53,043 Oh, God! Oh, God! 246 00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:56,438 Ugh! Okay, this is twice, that's shame on you! 247 00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:01,748 [Vince] 'Where's my soup?' 248 00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,488 I'm making it! 249 00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,055 'What's throwing you the curveball' 250 00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:07,536 'the can opener or the knobs on the stove?' 251 00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:11,932 Thank God you're home. I need your help. 252 00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,716 - What's going on? - Mom's gone missing. 253 00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,587 And I've been left to take care of Vince. 254 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,502 I had to drag his wet, naked body 255 00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,679 out of the tub and onto the couch. 256 00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,506 Ew. 257 00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:23,770 I can still hear his squeaky butt cheeks.. 258 00:11:25,423 --> 00:11:28,557 ...just dragging across the bathroom tiles. 259 00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:30,733 Stop it, Molly, you're scaring me. 260 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,909 You don't know fear until you've splashed down 261 00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:35,999 face first, into the briny depths of Vincent Moranto! 262 00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:39,699 You know what, I'm gonna go look for ma. 263 00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,875 No! No! You get back here! 264 00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:43,137 You coward! 265 00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:44,704 [door slams] 266 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,011 Are you eating my soup? 267 00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,622 Yes, I am! Mmm-mmm good! 268 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:58,065 Oh, good, somebody called the cops. 269 00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:03,026 How you feeling? You're back still bothering you? 270 00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:05,072 Yeah and your wife cannon-balling me 271 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,726 in the bathtub didn't help. 272 00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,554 Thank God you're home. 273 00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,208 - Are we having soup? - No. 274 00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:14,124 It's for baby bear, and you're feeding him, papa. 275 00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:15,952 What? I just walked in the door. 276 00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:17,562 Hey, you wanna know what I found 277 00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:18,912 when I walked in the door? 278 00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,957 That! Naked and wet in the bathtub! 279 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:24,178 - Oh! - Look at it! 280 00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:25,657 Look at it! 281 00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,574 Look at it! 282 00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:32,969 For God's sake, I'm a human being! 283 00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:34,362 We'll take a hair sample and see 284 00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:36,277 what a biologist has to say about that. 285 00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:37,321 Just feed him the soup. 286 00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:38,975 I'm gonna go take a shower 287 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,369 since the downstairs bathtub is now a crime scene! 288 00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,159 Feed me slow. 289 00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:51,466 Don't shovel it in like the way you eat. 290 00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,520 Guess mom thinks, 'cause she pays the mortgage 291 00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,566 she's got live-in help. 292 00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,176 Yeah, but you give her money every month. 293 00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:08,526 Well, that's technically for a short-term loan 294 00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:09,658 she gave me six years ago. 295 00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:12,879 What about the money I give you? 296 00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:14,271 Can we please stay on point? 297 00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:16,360 Sure. 298 00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:18,014 [bell ringing] 299 00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,756 [Vince] 'Hello? I can't reach the remote!' 300 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,323 Why'd you give him that bell? 301 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,020 The real question is, why did your Aunt Trudy 302 00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,500 give it to us as a wedding present? 303 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:26,544 Aunt Trudy gave us that? 304 00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,633 I thanked Cousin Kevin for it. 305 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,375 Why would your meth-head cousin give us a little porcelain bell? 306 00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:35,597 The real question is, why would Aunt Trudy 307 00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:37,773 give us Lynyrd Skynyrd do-rags? 308 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,604 Oh, no, I-I think all of my thank-you cards 309 00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,301 might be off by one. 310 00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:46,434 Mike.. 311 00:13:46,521 --> 00:13:47,827 [Vince] 'Hello? Hurry!' 312 00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,307 'The channel's stuck on Telemundo!' 313 00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:53,745 It's your turn to go down. 314 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:54,964 Hey, I fed him, powdered him 315 00:13:55,051 --> 00:13:56,357 and carried him to the toilet. 316 00:13:58,011 --> 00:13:59,664 I'll give you my lap desk.. 317 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,842 ...and $400. 318 00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:07,498 Is that the $400 I gave you to give to your mom? 319 00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:08,935 Oh, fine, I'll go. 320 00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:12,547 Keep doing your cards. 321 00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:18,248 "Thank you for the sliver cundlestucks." 322 00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,471 I may not be right-handed. 323 00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:28,476 [woman speaking Spanish on TV] 324 00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,000 Damn you, evolution. 325 00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:33,524 Monkey feet would be perfect right now. 326 00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:39,008 Quit ringing the bell, Quasimodo. 327 00:14:41,054 --> 00:14:42,664 I was kind of hoping for Mike. 328 00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:44,405 I want him to turn me on my side 329 00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:46,581 'cause I need to break wind. 330 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:48,235 Do you have any boundaries at all? 331 00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:50,759 Hey, I said "Break wind." 332 00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:52,543 What-what you want me to hold out my pinky? 333 00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:54,676 No, thanks. I've already seen your pinky. 334 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,335 - Joyce. - Mom. 335 00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:02,814 Mom! 336 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,686 I swear to God, if you take off again.. 337 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:08,385 Oh, come on. What are you, Spider-Man? 338 00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:10,257 Over here. 339 00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:13,869 What is going on with you? 340 00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,610 I didn't sign up for this. 341 00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:18,265 Vince is supposed to be my young stud. 342 00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:20,006 He's supposed to take care of me. 343 00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:22,312 Yeah, he almost paralyzed himself taking care of you. 344 00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:23,923 Mm. That's how it starts. 345 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,273 First he throws his back out having sex 346 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,014 then he breaks a hip having sex 347 00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:30,016 then he has a heart attack having sex. 348 00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:32,279 What kind of sex are you guys having? 349 00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:34,107 Don't! Oh, God, don't tell me. 350 00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,239 You already ruined strawberries for me. 351 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,027 I'm not gonna watch another man die. 352 00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:45,292 I went through it with your father.. 353 00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:46,815 ...I can't do it again. 354 00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:50,166 Is that what this is about? 355 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,692 Mom, Vince is not dying. 356 00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:56,912 Hm, doesn't mean I won't try to kill him. 357 00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:00,089 But at this moment he's fine. 358 00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:02,178 [sighs] 359 00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:03,875 I know this sounds crazy.. 360 00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:06,748 ...but when I saw him sprawled out 361 00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:09,011 on the floor like that.. 362 00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,883 ...I panicked. 363 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,843 You can't live your life worrying and-and hiding. 364 00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,714 I know, I know. 365 00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,890 And mainly, you can't pawn him off on me 366 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,457 every time you get spooked. 367 00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,243 I am so sorry. 368 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,723 You know, I saw things today that I can't unsee. 369 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,858 Hey, nothing could be worse than walking in 370 00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:32,513 on your husband buck naked on the scale 371 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,429 bending over so he can read the numbers. 372 00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:37,648 Okay, now imagine the scale's view. 373 00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,215 That was my day! 374 00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:40,651 Ooh! 375 00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,392 With all of Vince's body hair.. 376 00:16:42,479 --> 00:16:43,524 ...that's a rough view. 377 00:16:43,611 --> 00:16:45,830 I'm sayin'. 378 00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,571 [bell ringing] 379 00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:50,748 [Vince] 'Hello! I need to go pee again!' 380 00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,011 For better or worse, mom. 381 00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:55,188 Alright. 382 00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:56,363 [bell ringing] 383 00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:57,625 Ring that bell one more time 384 00:16:57,712 --> 00:16:58,887 it's going inside you! 385 00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,237 Mom's home! 386 00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,333 And what is this I finally found in my mailbox this morning? 387 00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:12,596 Looks like a prompt and thoughtful thank-you 388 00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:14,990 that arrived via the US Postal Service. 389 00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,819 Well, how very civilized. 390 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,690 - Hmm! - Why are you smelling it? 391 00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,518 Well, sometimes people spray a little signature scent 392 00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:24,043 on personal correspondence. 393 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:27,002 We're not lovers, Carl. Open the damn card. 394 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,743 Let me savor the anticipation. 395 00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:35,837 "Carl, thank you so much for your thoughtful gift. 396 00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:38,579 Molly and I both love the wiker placemats." 397 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,672 What are "Wiker" placemats? 398 00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:46,065 It's pronounced "Wicker." 399 00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,023 When it's spelled "Wicker." 400 00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:51,548 This says "Wiker." 401 00:17:51,635 --> 00:17:52,680 And I didn't even give you placemats. 402 00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:55,378 I gave you a fondue pot. 403 00:17:55,465 --> 00:17:57,772 Oh, crap. You must've been in the first batch. 404 00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,295 I hadn't nailed down my system yet. 405 00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:02,211 I didn't order grapefruit. 406 00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:04,692 And I didn't give you a "Buttful breed maker"" 407 00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:09,436 That's "Beautiful bread maker." 408 00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,002 Some of that's my handwriting. 409 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,048 Oh, so you did use your hands. 410 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,310 I was wrong, Carl. 411 00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:18,793 Well, I'll expect a correction in the mail next week 412 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,621 and a personal invitation to a fondue party. 413 00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:24,668 But, why, I do like the kittens in the basket. 414 00:18:24,755 --> 00:18:26,540 "Thank mew." 415 00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:35,288 [theme music]