I wonder why in all these scary movies
you never see one fat vampire?
That's easy, they drink nothing but blood
and that's pure protein.
Oh, yeah, there's no carbs.
Exactly, if I could stand the taste of it
I'd fill up my sports bottle.
It's not just vampires. There are no chubby monsters.
Not true. Godzilla kind of had a gut.
Nah, he just lived in Tokyo, so he ate nothing
but people filled with white rice and MSG.
[chuckles]
You're smart.
I love our little talks. What is it?
Food in the tooth or bat in the cave?
No, no, no, you're fine.
I was actually just thinking how fun it would be
to have our own little..
...monster sitting here between us.
I thought your mom hated scary movies.
I'm talking about a baby, you know?
Bringing a little me and you into the world.
And you really imagine it being little, huh?
As long as it doesn't have that big pumpkin head of yours.
If I see Charlie Brown on the sonogram, he's staying in there.
Alright, you talked me into it.
- Let's knock you up. - Wait, wait. Wait, wait.
We, we need to discuss the logistics of this first.
Hey, I know how to make a baby.
We just do it the way we've been doing it
but no slicker on the vicar.
Mike, we..
We have no money, we live in a house with three other people
and you're still calling your penis the vicar.
I won't say it around the kid.
The point is we both want a family
and all that other stuff will work itself out.
We're talking about another human being.
I mean...well, a life that we're responsible for
for at least 18 years.
At least 18? Look at you. Still live with your mother.
We sleep in your childhood bed.
Wha..
Hey, that's my big-girl bed, and I bought it myself.
Granted, mom loaned me the money
but I think she forgot it, so, technically, it's mine.
Guess, when you weigh the pros and cons
maybe it doesn't make sense for us
to have a kid right now.
Yeah, I, I agree.
You know, smart thing is..
...is to wait.
Although, if our folks would've waited for the perfect time.
you and I probably wouldn't be here.
The way my mom tells it, I owe my existence
to a tight tube top and a loose condom.
I was makeup sex after an ugly New Year's Eve party.
Guessing the sex wasn't pretty either.
What are you thinking?
Well, this movie stinks, we got the whole house to ourselves
we've been talking about sex for the last five minutes.
You're the smart one. What do you think I'm thinkin'?
Get your vicar up the stairs.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
♪ You're having my baby ♪
♪ What a lovely way ♪
♪ Of sayin' how much you love me ♪
♪ You're having my baby ♪♪
You realize we actually have to do it first
and singing that song isn't exactly setting
off my smoke alarm.
Just a little nervous.
This is first time we're going to have sex
for the reason God intended.
Well, do your job right, and I'll give him
a couple of shout-outs when we're in the thick of things.
[laughs]
Alright.
Let's put a toddler in your tank.
Yeah, sweetie, I really appreciate your enthusiasm
but, you know, it probably won't happen the first time.
Don't underestimate my sperm.
They're like red ants on a wet Smartie.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but..
...I actually prefer the singing to the talking.
♪ You're having my baby ♪♪
Wait, put on my lucky Cubs hat.
- Are you kidding? - Hey.
Almost everything good that's ever happened to me
I was wearing that hat
including the first time I laid eyes on you.
Get the hat. What the hell?
Maybe I'll put on my lucky lotto bra.
[instrumental music]
I am telling you, Carl
reproductive sex is the best kind of sex.
It's got all the fun of regular sex
but with a prize at the end.
It's like Cracker Jacks.
Can we talk about something other
than the fact that you got laid?
I didn't just get laid.
I was making love to my soul mate
participating in the creation of another human life.
What did you do last night?
I watched porn and had sex with myself.
Ah!
- Which was also beautiful. - Ah!
You know what, breakfast is on me.
Oh, wonderful, and will my insulting tip be in
nickels and pennies or in lint-covered Life Savers?
Why don't you celebrate President's Day
with Mr. Lincoln and Mr. Washington.
Mm-hmm.
They're real.
Yeah, well, you understand my suspicions.
You've never given me a Washington and a Lincoln
in paper form.
I'm in a good mood. Molly and I are trying to get pregnant.
Oh, congratulations.
I guess you'll be eating for two now.
He's been eating for two ever since he was two.
I'm saying we're trying
but I'm guessing last night took.
If my sperm are anything like me
they're determined swimmers.
If your sperm are anything like you
they're floating in the kiddie pool
wearing water wings and eating dreamsicles.
Boy, you're in a mood.
Hey, I just broke up with my girlfriend.
I don't want to hear how happy and in love you are.
I understand and I apologize.
In my excitement, I forgot you'd recently been crapped on.
Just dial it back.
If you're gonna be a father someday
you got to recognize the needs
of a vulnerable and fragile creature.
Just, just think of me as an emotional newborn.
I usually do. I'm sorry.
[all laughing]
Okay, okay, okay
we are technically trying to get pregnant
but, you know, we're just not tellin' everybody
and makin' a big deal out of it.
That's best. Once you raise people's expectations
it puts too much pressure on the relationship.
Exactly, and it takes all the fun out of making the baby.
And you better have fun now because once you have kids
your life is gonna change.
Tell me about it.
Your dad and I had a ball before you girls were born.
I mean, I-I'm not saying our lives ended.
Just the good parts.
But having children brought you a lot of joy, right?
Eh, a couple laughs here and there
but mostly just trying to keep you little idiots alive.
- Idiots? Mom! - Idiots?
Have you ever met a toddler, hmm?
Dumb as rocks.
You'd chase a firefly in front of a bus
and you were a biter.
People, cats, extension cords.
We almost had to put a cone on you.
It is a lot of hard work, but there are a lot of rewards too.
Yeah, that's what people tell you, but people are liars.
There's Papa Bear, bring him a honey pot home
to his little family.
Stop it.
Hey, sweetie. How was your day?
Good. What are you ladies doin'?
Oh, just listening to mom talk about her
little bundles of regret.
- Christina, you're here. - Hey, Mike. How you doing?
I'm doing good. Life is good.
Enjoy it while you can.
Before you know it, you'll be sleep-deprived
and trying to pry your kid's teeth off a cat's tail.
Can I talk to you for a second upstairs?
- Sure. - Ooh! Upstairs!
Stop it, you guys.
This will just take a minute.
Ooh, a quickie!
After you have kids, all you get are quickies.
Foreplay is putting out your cigarette
and moving your underwear off to the side.
What the hell is she doing here?
She's my mother, and it's her house.
Not her. Christina.
- I invited her. - Well, she's the enemy now.
Get her out of here, and use the back door
in case Carl drives by.
No.
She was at my wedding, and she's my friend.
Hey, I like her too, but she dumped my partner.
My best friend, so she's dead to us.
Like that Italian restaurant
that started charging for garlic bread.
Mike, this isn't high school.
I'm not gonna stop hanging out with Christina
'cause she broke up with Carl before the big game.
This isn't about Carl. It's about me.
He doesn't keep his unhappiness to himself.
He spreads it around like head lice.
W-w-what are you doing?
After you give Christina the heave-ho
I thought, well, you and I could have baby sex.
Well, I-I'm sorry to disappoint you
but I'm not giving Christina the heave-ho.
So is that a no on the baby sex?
I didn't say that
but no kissing. I'm mad at you.
[instrumental music]
Morning.
Morning, little mama.
So, what have you been thinkin' about for names?
Vince, it's a little early to start picking out baby names.
Not for the baby, for me.
I don't like poppy, pop-pop or pee-paw.
None of the Ps.
Okay, so poop face, peckerhead, and pain in the ass are out?
Yes.
I'd prefer granddaddy, gramps or Grand Master Grampy.
Alright, well, if I ever let you anywhere near my child
I'll give him a list.
Knock, knock. Hey, is Mike ready to go?
Hey, he's running a little late this morning.
I'll let him know you're here.
She's burning his candle at both ends
and by candle, I mean--
Shut up, poop pop!
Mike, Carl's here!
[Mike] 'Down in a minute!'
- Hmm. Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Um, I know you and Christina are on the outs
but you're okay with me and her
you know, staying friends, right?
- Of course, why wouldn't I be? - That's what I told Mike.
He said that he thinks you expect me to choose sides.
He said that about me?
He really does not know people.
So, you're okay with us being friends?
Yeah, I mean, just because it didn't work out
between the two of us, doesn't mean I don't want
it to work out between the two of you.
- I knew you'd say that. - 'Yeah.'
It's very evolved of you.
I believe in taking the high road.
A lot less traffic.
Let's roll.
- Bye, Molly. - Bye.
You know the great thing about trying to make a baby?
You sleep like a baby!
I don't know how you sleep at all.
You duplicitous, lying backstabber.
Sounds like somebody missed breakfast.
Come on, Carl, I'm just as upset
about this whole thing as you are.
- Oh, really? - Absolutely.
When I walked in the house and saw Christina there
I felt just as betrayed as you did.
Hang on a second. She's been inside your home?
Technically, i-it's not my home.
It's Molly's, and I have no pull there.
I'm basically just an outside dog
that gets to sleep on the bed.
Hey, it's your life, man.
If you wanna be friends with Christina
it's none of my business.
I don't want to be friends with Christina.
In fact, I was just being nice to her
because she was dating you.
Oh, so your two-faced nature is not exclusive to just me.
Alright, clearly you're not in the mood to listen.
I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day.
- You hungry? - Yes.
You talked to me.
Shut up and drive.
- You talked again. - Aah!
I'm just sayin', be careful.
You think your kids are gonna fly the coop at 18
but they never do.
This point, I'd settle for 40.
Alright, I get it, mom. I ruined your life.
Whoa! Where did that come from?
Oh, hey, honey. How was your day?
Let me explain something to you.
The relationship between two cops is built on trust
and when that trust is broken, bad things happen.
- What are you talkin' about? - I got tagged.
- Are you happy now? - Wait.
Wow, now he looks even more like an abandoned building.
Wait. What happened?
I was trying to apprehend some kid with a spray can
and another kid snuck up behind me and did this.
How long did it take you to realize it?
'Cause there's a lot of detail work in this.
You know what Carl was doing while I was being defaced?
De-laughing?
This is on you.
You didn't take his side against Christina
and now my partner no longer has my back.
My big, spray-painted back.
I'm sorry this happened, but I'm not choosing sides.
[Mike] 'Fine, but good luck gettin' sperm from a dead man!'
I do it every night you eat pizza.
Not one monster of color.
They'll let the lagoon be black, but not the creature.
[doorbell rings]
- Hey. - Hi, Carl.
Sorry to just stop by like this.
If you and Mike are having troubles
I don't want to get in the middle of it.
I'm not one to take sides.
I know you're mad at me
for staying friends with Christina.
What? Just because you're BFFs with the B-I-T-C-H
who B-R-O-K-E my H-E-A-R-T?
Instead of spelling on the porch, can we just talk inside?
Alright.
I don't know what there is to talk about.
You chose Christina's friendship over mine.
I did not choose her over you.
I shouldn't have to. That's the point.
And I shouldn't have to protect a grown man
from getting his back spray-painted by two children.
Right, I mean, you'd think he'd have heard
the giggling or the shaking of the can.
I even honked the horn two times. Man didn't even turn.
[chuckles]
Look, just because I'm still friends with Christina
that doesn't mean I don't care about you.
You, you do realize that if it wasn't for me
you and Mike wouldn't have even met.
I do.
I also know that you'd never let any real harm come to him.
Yeah, on or off the job.
I understand the meaning of friendship.
And you're always gonna be an important part of our lives.
- Yeah? - Of course.
Our kids are gonna need their Uncle Carl.
Mmm. Uncle Carl.
But won't that be confusing if he's also named Carl?
No, we're not really at the point
of picking out names yet.
Better tell your husband to quit making promises.
You know, my middle name's Enoch.
You got any use for that?
- Enoch Biggs? - Yeah.
Can I think about it?
- Hey, girl. Everything alright? - Yeah, sorry, I'm late.
I had a friend going through a bit of a crisis.
Oh, no problem. Is she okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah, she'sfine.
I don't know why I just lied.
It's not a she we're talking about.
- It's Carl. - Oh, Carl.
How's he doing?
Doin' good, yeah.
Considering, you know, the breakup and everything.
Which is none of my business
'cause you're both still my friends.
I'm sure he'll be fine eventually.
Oh, absolutely. He'll bounce back.
He's just a little emotional right now.
He can be so childish sometimes.
Well, I don't know if I'd call him childish.
I mean, he certainly wears his heart on his sleeve.
Definitely challenging being in a relationship with him.
I've never dated a man that cried more than me.
He does get weepy, but that's why we love him.
I mean..
...not you anymore, but..
...that's none of my business.
Do you know how many hysterical voice messages
that man has left me since we broke up?
I do not.
Uh, he and I don't talk about you.
We probably shouldn't talk about him.
Fifty-five.
That's only crazy if you really..
...stop to think about it.
My six-year-old son has more sense than him.
Okay, that's a little harsh.
I mean, I could overlook the fact
that he still lives with his grandma
but the man was so clingy.
Do you know how many times he asked me to marry him?
South or North of 55?
Almost every other day.
Every time I took a bite of something
I was worried I was gonna swallow an engagement ring.
- Mmm. He's kind of a romantic. - He's kind of a nitwit.
Alright, you know what, name-calling is not okay.
He's a friend of mine, godfather to my un-conceived child
and if you're gonna keep trash-talking him
then do it curbside.
- Y-you're kidding. - Yeah, hit the bricks, sister.
If you're gonna take the low road
you're gonna take it on foot.
I don't believe this. You're as crazy as he is.
Well, that works out fine because I choose him.
Fifty-five messages, you nitwit.
You've come early. Everything okay?
I think I just broke up with Christina.
What are you talkin' about?
She started bad-mouthing Carl
and next thing I knew I just kick her out of my car
and giving her the finger in my rearview mirror.
That certainly sounds like a breakup.
What was she saying about him?
She called him a clingy, needy crybaby.
She's not wrong.
I know, but for some reason
I started getting very protective of him.
I get it.
He's a giant pain in the ass
but you can't help but love him.
I know. Why is that?
For me, I think it's his round, bald head.
He looks like a big, goofy baby.
I bet that's it. He brings out my maternal instincts.
Mine too. He pisses me off most of the time
but I can't stop loving him.
Mmm, I feel the same way.
Like good parents.
So maybe we are ready.
And raising actual kids won't be nearly
as much trouble as raising Carl.
How could it be? Oh, I bet they cry a lot less too.
Well, I'm ready if you are.
Let's do it. Put your hat on.
Mmm. Frontwards or backwards?
- Mike! - I'm talking about the hat.
Oh. Backwards.
[theme music]