1 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,657 I wonder why in all these scary movies 2 00:00:05,744 --> 00:00:09,879 you never see one fat vampire? 3 00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:11,359 That's easy, they drink nothing but blood 4 00:00:11,446 --> 00:00:14,014 and that's pure protein. 5 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,886 Oh, yeah, there's no carbs. 6 00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:18,453 Exactly, if I could stand the taste of it 7 00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:20,846 I'd fill up my sports bottle. 8 00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:24,241 It's not just vampires. There are no chubby monsters. 9 00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:28,332 Not true. Godzilla kind of had a gut. 10 00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,378 Nah, he just lived in Tokyo, so he ate nothing 11 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:33,685 but people filled with white rice and MSG. 12 00:00:33,772 --> 00:00:34,730 [chuckles] 13 00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:41,215 You're smart. 14 00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:45,828 I love our little talks. What is it? 15 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,264 Food in the tooth or bat in the cave? 16 00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:50,093 No, no, no, you're fine. 17 00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,139 I was actually just thinking how fun it would be 18 00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:53,662 to have our own little.. 19 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,533 ...monster sitting here between us. 20 00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:58,536 I thought your mom hated scary movies. 21 00:00:58,623 --> 00:01:01,104 I'm talking about a baby, you know? 22 00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:04,064 Bringing a little me and you into the world. 23 00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:07,893 And you really imagine it being little, huh? 24 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,852 As long as it doesn't have that big pumpkin head of yours. 25 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:14,204 If I see Charlie Brown on the sonogram, he's staying in there. 26 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,858 Alright, you talked me into it. 27 00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:18,034 - Let's knock you up. - Wait, wait. Wait, wait. 28 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:21,559 We, we need to discuss the logistics of this first. 29 00:01:21,646 --> 00:01:22,995 Hey, I know how to make a baby. 30 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,519 We just do it the way we've been doing it 31 00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:26,738 but no slicker on the vicar. 32 00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:31,047 Mike, we.. 33 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:33,702 We have no money, we live in a house with three other people 34 00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:38,620 and you're still calling your penis the vicar. 35 00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:41,710 I won't say it around the kid. 36 00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:43,581 The point is we both want a family 37 00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:46,149 and all that other stuff will work itself out. 38 00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:48,325 We're talking about another human being. 39 00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,372 I mean...well, a life that we're responsible for 40 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:52,938 for at least 18 years. 41 00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:55,202 At least 18? Look at you. Still live with your mother. 42 00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:56,551 We sleep in your childhood bed. 43 00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:59,249 Wha.. 44 00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:02,252 Hey, that's my big-girl bed, and I bought it myself. 45 00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:03,993 Granted, mom loaned me the money 46 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,518 but I think she forgot it, so, technically, it's mine. 47 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,870 Guess, when you weigh the pros and cons 48 00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:12,871 maybe it doesn't make sense for us 49 00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:15,483 to have a kid right now. 50 00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:17,572 Yeah, I, I agree. 51 00:02:17,659 --> 00:02:19,139 You know, smart thing is.. 52 00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:20,966 ...is to wait. 53 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:27,234 Although, if our folks would've waited for the perfect time. 54 00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:29,453 you and I probably wouldn't be here. 55 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,847 The way my mom tells it, I owe my existence 56 00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,110 to a tight tube top and a loose condom. 57 00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:38,941 I was makeup sex after an ugly New Year's Eve party. 58 00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:43,032 Guessing the sex wasn't pretty either. 59 00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,950 What are you thinking? 60 00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:53,303 Well, this movie stinks, we got the whole house to ourselves 61 00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:56,088 we've been talking about sex for the last five minutes. 62 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,178 You're the smart one. What do you think I'm thinkin'? 63 00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:02,312 Get your vicar up the stairs. 64 00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:09,363 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 65 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:13,671 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 66 00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,552 ♪ You're having my baby ♪ 67 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:26,075 ♪ What a lovely way ♪ 68 00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:28,991 ♪ Of sayin' how much you love me ♪ 69 00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:31,820 ♪ You're having my baby ♪♪ 70 00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:33,735 You realize we actually have to do it first 71 00:03:33,822 --> 00:03:35,302 and singing that song isn't exactly setting 72 00:03:35,389 --> 00:03:37,129 off my smoke alarm. 73 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,435 Just a little nervous. 74 00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:39,741 This is first time we're going to have sex 75 00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,351 for the reason God intended. 76 00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:43,179 Well, do your job right, and I'll give him 77 00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:44,920 a couple of shout-outs when we're in the thick of things. 78 00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,487 [laughs] 79 00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:47,705 Alright. 80 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:51,318 Let's put a toddler in your tank. 81 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,842 Yeah, sweetie, I really appreciate your enthusiasm 82 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,453 but, you know, it probably won't happen the first time. 83 00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,150 Don't underestimate my sperm. 84 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:02,590 They're like red ants on a wet Smartie. 85 00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:04,418 I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but.. 86 00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,247 ...I actually prefer the singing to the talking. 87 00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,945 ♪ You're having my baby ♪♪ 88 00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:12,687 Wait, put on my lucky Cubs hat. 89 00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:14,297 - Are you kidding? - Hey. 90 00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:16,517 Almost everything good that's ever happened to me 91 00:04:16,604 --> 00:04:17,866 I was wearing that hat 92 00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:20,216 including the first time I laid eyes on you. 93 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:25,265 Get the hat. What the hell? 94 00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,789 Maybe I'll put on my lucky lotto bra. 95 00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:34,012 [instrumental music] 96 00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:36,537 I am telling you, Carl 97 00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:40,454 reproductive sex is the best kind of sex. 98 00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:42,673 It's got all the fun of regular sex 99 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,501 but with a prize at the end. 100 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:47,896 It's like Cracker Jacks. 101 00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:51,247 Can we talk about something other 102 00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,380 than the fact that you got laid? 103 00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:54,685 I didn't just get laid. 104 00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:57,122 I was making love to my soul mate 105 00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:59,777 participating in the creation of another human life. 106 00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:02,693 What did you do last night? 107 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,216 I watched porn and had sex with myself. 108 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,307 Ah! 109 00:05:07,394 --> 00:05:10,266 - Which was also beautiful. - Ah! 110 00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:12,007 You know what, breakfast is on me. 111 00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:14,488 Oh, wonderful, and will my insulting tip be in 112 00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:19,144 nickels and pennies or in lint-covered Life Savers? 113 00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:20,972 Why don't you celebrate President's Day 114 00:05:21,059 --> 00:05:23,584 with Mr. Lincoln and Mr. Washington. 115 00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:26,021 Mm-hmm. 116 00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,458 They're real. 117 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,634 Yeah, well, you understand my suspicions. 118 00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:32,288 You've never given me a Washington and a Lincoln 119 00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:34,943 in paper form. 120 00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,380 I'm in a good mood. Molly and I are trying to get pregnant. 121 00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,513 Oh, congratulations. 122 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,428 I guess you'll be eating for two now. 123 00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:48,565 He's been eating for two ever since he was two. 124 00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:50,045 I'm saying we're trying 125 00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:52,090 but I'm guessing last night took. 126 00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:53,440 If my sperm are anything like me 127 00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,877 they're determined swimmers. 128 00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:57,008 If your sperm are anything like you 129 00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:58,358 they're floating in the kiddie pool 130 00:05:58,445 --> 00:05:59,968 wearing water wings and eating dreamsicles. 131 00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:10,805 Boy, you're in a mood. 132 00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:12,807 Hey, I just broke up with my girlfriend. 133 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:15,375 I don't want to hear how happy and in love you are. 134 00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:18,073 I understand and I apologize. 135 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,685 In my excitement, I forgot you'd recently been crapped on. 136 00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:22,860 Just dial it back. 137 00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:23,905 If you're gonna be a father someday 138 00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:25,123 you got to recognize the needs 139 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,995 of a vulnerable and fragile creature. 140 00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:29,301 Just, just think of me as an emotional newborn. 141 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,868 I usually do. I'm sorry. 142 00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:35,873 [all laughing] 143 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,658 Okay, okay, okay 144 00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:39,442 we are technically trying to get pregnant 145 00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:41,183 but, you know, we're just not tellin' everybody 146 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,750 and makin' a big deal out of it. 147 00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:45,187 That's best. Once you raise people's expectations 148 00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:47,102 it puts too much pressure on the relationship. 149 00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:50,061 Exactly, and it takes all the fun out of making the baby. 150 00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:52,760 And you better have fun now because once you have kids 151 00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:53,804 your life is gonna change. 152 00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:55,545 Tell me about it. 153 00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:58,983 Your dad and I had a ball before you girls were born. 154 00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,292 I mean, I-I'm not saying our lives ended. 155 00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:06,338 Just the good parts. 156 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:10,038 But having children brought you a lot of joy, right? 157 00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:13,563 Eh, a couple laughs here and there 158 00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:16,653 but mostly just trying to keep you little idiots alive. 159 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,307 - Idiots? Mom! - Idiots? 160 00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,396 Have you ever met a toddler, hmm? 161 00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:23,312 Dumb as rocks. 162 00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:25,880 You'd chase a firefly in front of a bus 163 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,534 and you were a biter. 164 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:30,319 People, cats, extension cords. 165 00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,408 We almost had to put a cone on you. 166 00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:38,109 It is a lot of hard work, but there are a lot of rewards too. 167 00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:39,981 Yeah, that's what people tell you, but people are liars. 168 00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:45,334 There's Papa Bear, bring him a honey pot home 169 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,379 to his little family. 170 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,642 Stop it. 171 00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:50,121 Hey, sweetie. How was your day? 172 00:07:50,208 --> 00:07:52,776 Good. What are you ladies doin'? 173 00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:55,562 Oh, just listening to mom talk about her 174 00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:57,520 little bundles of regret. 175 00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:03,918 - Christina, you're here. - Hey, Mike. How you doing? 176 00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:05,615 I'm doing good. Life is good. 177 00:08:05,702 --> 00:08:06,964 Enjoy it while you can. 178 00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:08,792 Before you know it, you'll be sleep-deprived 179 00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:11,752 and trying to pry your kid's teeth off a cat's tail. 180 00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,800 Can I talk to you for a second upstairs? 181 00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,977 - Sure. - Ooh! Upstairs! 182 00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:21,762 Stop it, you guys. 183 00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:22,850 This will just take a minute. 184 00:08:22,937 --> 00:08:24,721 Ooh, a quickie! 185 00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:30,074 After you have kids, all you get are quickies. 186 00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,815 Foreplay is putting out your cigarette 187 00:08:31,902 --> 00:08:33,948 and moving your underwear off to the side. 188 00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:41,129 What the hell is she doing here? 189 00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:44,567 She's my mother, and it's her house. 190 00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:46,134 Not her. Christina. 191 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:48,440 - I invited her. - Well, she's the enemy now. 192 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:49,833 Get her out of here, and use the back door 193 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:50,921 in case Carl drives by. 194 00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,444 No. 195 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,272 She was at my wedding, and she's my friend. 196 00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:56,448 Hey, I like her too, but she dumped my partner. 197 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,189 My best friend, so she's dead to us. 198 00:08:58,276 --> 00:08:59,539 Like that Italian restaurant 199 00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:00,975 that started charging for garlic bread. 200 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,978 Mike, this isn't high school. 201 00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:05,632 I'm not gonna stop hanging out with Christina 202 00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:08,373 'cause she broke up with Carl before the big game. 203 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,201 This isn't about Carl. It's about me. 204 00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:12,290 He doesn't keep his unhappiness to himself. 205 00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:14,989 He spreads it around like head lice. 206 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,817 W-w-what are you doing? 207 00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:18,514 After you give Christina the heave-ho 208 00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,690 I thought, well, you and I could have baby sex. 209 00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:24,172 Well, I-I'm sorry to disappoint you 210 00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:27,001 but I'm not giving Christina the heave-ho. 211 00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:28,742 So is that a no on the baby sex? 212 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:33,007 I didn't say that 213 00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:35,052 but no kissing. I'm mad at you. 214 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:38,752 [instrumental music] 215 00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,193 Morning. 216 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,325 Morning, little mama. 217 00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:49,937 So, what have you been thinkin' about for names? 218 00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:52,330 Vince, it's a little early to start picking out baby names. 219 00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,637 Not for the baby, for me. 220 00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:58,032 I don't like poppy, pop-pop or pee-paw. 221 00:09:58,119 --> 00:10:00,382 None of the Ps. 222 00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:03,428 Okay, so poop face, peckerhead, and pain in the ass are out? 223 00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,910 Yes. 224 00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:11,132 I'd prefer granddaddy, gramps or Grand Master Grampy. 225 00:10:11,219 --> 00:10:13,221 Alright, well, if I ever let you anywhere near my child 226 00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:14,831 I'll give him a list. 227 00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:17,355 Knock, knock. Hey, is Mike ready to go? 228 00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:18,661 Hey, he's running a little late this morning. 229 00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:19,836 I'll let him know you're here. 230 00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,577 She's burning his candle at both ends 231 00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:22,796 and by candle, I mean-- 232 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,712 Shut up, poop pop! 233 00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:27,278 Mike, Carl's here! 234 00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,846 [Mike] 'Down in a minute!' 235 00:10:29,933 --> 00:10:33,154 - Hmm. Can I ask you something? - Sure. 236 00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:35,199 Um, I know you and Christina are on the outs 237 00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:37,375 but you're okay with me and her 238 00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:39,290 you know, staying friends, right? 239 00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:41,684 - Of course, why wouldn't I be? - That's what I told Mike. 240 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,426 He said that he thinks you expect me to choose sides. 241 00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:47,211 He said that about me? 242 00:10:47,298 --> 00:10:49,910 He really does not know people. 243 00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,520 So, you're okay with us being friends? 244 00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:53,130 Yeah, I mean, just because it didn't work out 245 00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,566 between the two of us, doesn't mean I don't want 246 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,742 it to work out between the two of you. 247 00:10:55,829 --> 00:10:57,526 - I knew you'd say that. - 'Yeah.' 248 00:10:57,613 --> 00:10:59,528 It's very evolved of you. 249 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:01,486 I believe in taking the high road. 250 00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:03,924 A lot less traffic. 251 00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:05,403 Let's roll. 252 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:06,404 - Bye, Molly. - Bye. 253 00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,804 You know the great thing about trying to make a baby? 254 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:17,372 You sleep like a baby! 255 00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:18,895 I don't know how you sleep at all. 256 00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:23,030 You duplicitous, lying backstabber. 257 00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:25,293 Sounds like somebody missed breakfast. 258 00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:42,136 Come on, Carl, I'm just as upset 259 00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:43,964 about this whole thing as you are. 260 00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:46,096 - Oh, really? - Absolutely. 261 00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:48,011 When I walked in the house and saw Christina there 262 00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,231 I felt just as betrayed as you did. 263 00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:54,409 Hang on a second. She's been inside your home? 264 00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:56,628 Technically, i-it's not my home. 265 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,805 It's Molly's, and I have no pull there. 266 00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:00,632 I'm basically just an outside dog 267 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,939 that gets to sleep on the bed. 268 00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,419 Hey, it's your life, man. 269 00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,160 If you wanna be friends with Christina 270 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:07,465 it's none of my business. 271 00:12:07,552 --> 00:12:09,424 I don't want to be friends with Christina. 272 00:12:09,511 --> 00:12:10,773 In fact, I was just being nice to her 273 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,557 because she was dating you. 274 00:12:12,644 --> 00:12:16,474 Oh, so your two-faced nature is not exclusive to just me. 275 00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:19,477 Alright, clearly you're not in the mood to listen. 276 00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,697 I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day. 277 00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:23,133 - You hungry? - Yes. 278 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,961 You talked to me. 279 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,093 Shut up and drive. 280 00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,834 - You talked again. - Aah! 281 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:31,838 I'm just sayin', be careful. 282 00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:34,231 You think your kids are gonna fly the coop at 18 283 00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:35,842 but they never do. 284 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,064 This point, I'd settle for 40. 285 00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:43,675 Alright, I get it, mom. I ruined your life. 286 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,026 Whoa! Where did that come from? 287 00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:50,508 Oh, hey, honey. How was your day? 288 00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,032 Let me explain something to you. 289 00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:54,599 The relationship between two cops is built on trust 290 00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:57,515 and when that trust is broken, bad things happen. 291 00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,431 - What are you talkin' about? - I got tagged. 292 00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:05,915 - Are you happy now? - Wait. 293 00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,526 Wow, now he looks even more like an abandoned building. 294 00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:11,921 Wait. What happened? 295 00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:13,836 I was trying to apprehend some kid with a spray can 296 00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:18,536 and another kid snuck up behind me and did this. 297 00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,060 How long did it take you to realize it? 298 00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:22,976 'Cause there's a lot of detail work in this. 299 00:13:23,063 --> 00:13:27,110 You know what Carl was doing while I was being defaced? 300 00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:28,808 De-laughing? 301 00:13:30,635 --> 00:13:31,898 This is on you. 302 00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:33,421 You didn't take his side against Christina 303 00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,510 and now my partner no longer has my back. 304 00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:38,208 My big, spray-painted back. 305 00:13:38,295 --> 00:13:41,646 I'm sorry this happened, but I'm not choosing sides. 306 00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,171 [Mike] 'Fine, but good luck gettin' sperm from a dead man!' 307 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:47,000 I do it every night you eat pizza. 308 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,877 Not one monster of color. 309 00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:59,099 They'll let the lagoon be black, but not the creature. 310 00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:02,406 [doorbell rings] 311 00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:09,413 - Hey. - Hi, Carl. 312 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,676 Sorry to just stop by like this. 313 00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:12,939 If you and Mike are having troubles 314 00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,331 I don't want to get in the middle of it. 315 00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:15,724 I'm not one to take sides. 316 00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,814 I know you're mad at me 317 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,294 for staying friends with Christina. 318 00:14:20,381 --> 00:14:22,818 What? Just because you're BFFs with the B-I-T-C-H 319 00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,995 who B-R-O-K-E my H-E-A-R-T? 320 00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:28,737 Instead of spelling on the porch, can we just talk inside? 321 00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:31,609 Alright. 322 00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:33,873 I don't know what there is to talk about. 323 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,831 You chose Christina's friendship over mine. 324 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,224 I did not choose her over you. 325 00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:38,703 I shouldn't have to. That's the point. 326 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,401 And I shouldn't have to protect a grown man 327 00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:42,533 from getting his back spray-painted by two children. 328 00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,929 Right, I mean, you'd think he'd have heard 329 00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:49,627 the giggling or the shaking of the can. 330 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:55,111 I even honked the horn two times. Man didn't even turn. 331 00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:58,201 [chuckles] 332 00:14:58,288 --> 00:15:00,073 Look, just because I'm still friends with Christina 333 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,336 that doesn't mean I don't care about you. 334 00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,077 You, you do realize that if it wasn't for me 335 00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:05,643 you and Mike wouldn't have even met. 336 00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,863 I do. 337 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,518 I also know that you'd never let any real harm come to him. 338 00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,128 Yeah, on or off the job. 339 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:15,392 I understand the meaning of friendship. 340 00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:18,526 And you're always gonna be an important part of our lives. 341 00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:21,137 - Yeah? - Of course. 342 00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:23,400 Our kids are gonna need their Uncle Carl. 343 00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:26,360 Mmm. Uncle Carl. 344 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,624 But won't that be confusing if he's also named Carl? 345 00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,151 No, we're not really at the point 346 00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:37,458 of picking out names yet. 347 00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:40,200 Better tell your husband to quit making promises. 348 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,162 You know, my middle name's Enoch. 349 00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:51,037 You got any use for that? 350 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:56,520 - Enoch Biggs? - Yeah. 351 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,261 Can I think about it? 352 00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:07,662 - Hey, girl. Everything alright? - Yeah, sorry, I'm late. 353 00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,969 I had a friend going through a bit of a crisis. 354 00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,797 Oh, no problem. Is she okay? 355 00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:16,236 Uh, yeah, yeah, she'sfine. 356 00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:20,588 I don't know why I just lied. 357 00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:22,938 It's not a she we're talking about. 358 00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:26,333 - It's Carl. - Oh, Carl. 359 00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:27,725 How's he doing? 360 00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:29,553 Doin' good, yeah. 361 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,208 Considering, you know, the breakup and everything. 362 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:33,731 Which is none of my business 363 00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:37,300 'cause you're both still my friends. 364 00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:40,173 I'm sure he'll be fine eventually. 365 00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:42,392 Oh, absolutely. He'll bounce back. 366 00:16:42,479 --> 00:16:45,352 He's just a little emotional right now. 367 00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:47,571 He can be so childish sometimes. 368 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:51,184 Well, I don't know if I'd call him childish. 369 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,403 I mean, he certainly wears his heart on his sleeve. 370 00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:56,363 Definitely challenging being in a relationship with him. 371 00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:59,844 I've never dated a man that cried more than me. 372 00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:02,586 He does get weepy, but that's why we love him. 373 00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,545 I mean.. 374 00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:06,982 ...not you anymore, but.. 375 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,723 ...that's none of my business. 376 00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,727 Do you know how many hysterical voice messages 377 00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:15,512 that man has left me since we broke up? 378 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:16,905 I do not. 379 00:17:16,992 --> 00:17:18,994 Uh, he and I don't talk about you. 380 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,169 We probably shouldn't talk about him. 381 00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:21,736 Fifty-five. 382 00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:26,958 That's only crazy if you really.. 383 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,744 ...stop to think about it. 384 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:32,225 My six-year-old son has more sense than him. 385 00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:34,096 Okay, that's a little harsh. 386 00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,750 I mean, I could overlook the fact 387 00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,360 that he still lives with his grandma 388 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,754 but the man was so clingy. 389 00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:42,409 Do you know how many times he asked me to marry him? 390 00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:44,889 South or North of 55? 391 00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,370 Almost every other day. 392 00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:48,980 Every time I took a bite of something 393 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:52,332 I was worried I was gonna swallow an engagement ring. 394 00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:57,163 - Mmm. He's kind of a romantic. - He's kind of a nitwit. 395 00:17:57,250 --> 00:18:00,470 Alright, you know what, name-calling is not okay. 396 00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:03,734 He's a friend of mine, godfather to my un-conceived child 397 00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:05,823 and if you're gonna keep trash-talking him 398 00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,825 then do it curbside. 399 00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:10,785 - Y-you're kidding. - Yeah, hit the bricks, sister. 400 00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:11,829 If you're gonna take the low road 401 00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:14,832 you're gonna take it on foot. 402 00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:17,922 I don't believe this. You're as crazy as he is. 403 00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:21,056 Well, that works out fine because I choose him. 404 00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:26,192 Fifty-five messages, you nitwit. 405 00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,333 You've come early. Everything okay? 406 00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:40,684 I think I just broke up with Christina. 407 00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:41,859 What are you talkin' about? 408 00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:43,383 She started bad-mouthing Carl 409 00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:45,646 and next thing I knew I just kick her out of my car 410 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:48,649 and giving her the finger in my rearview mirror. 411 00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:51,260 That certainly sounds like a breakup. 412 00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:52,566 What was she saying about him? 413 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:55,482 She called him a clingy, needy crybaby. 414 00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:58,311 She's not wrong. 415 00:18:58,398 --> 00:18:59,877 I know, but for some reason 416 00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,010 I started getting very protective of him. 417 00:19:02,097 --> 00:19:03,272 I get it. 418 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:04,708 He's a giant pain in the ass 419 00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:06,101 but you can't help but love him. 420 00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:09,104 I know. Why is that? 421 00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:11,062 For me, I think it's his round, bald head. 422 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,501 He looks like a big, goofy baby. 423 00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:17,112 I bet that's it. He brings out my maternal instincts. 424 00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,680 Mine too. He pisses me off most of the time 425 00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,464 but I can't stop loving him. 426 00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,640 Mmm, I feel the same way. 427 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,207 Like good parents. 428 00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,819 So maybe we are ready. 429 00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,430 And raising actual kids won't be nearly 430 00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:33,041 as much trouble as raising Carl. 431 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:37,654 How could it be? Oh, I bet they cry a lot less too. 432 00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,221 Well, I'm ready if you are. 433 00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:42,572 Let's do it. Put your hat on. 434 00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,835 Mmm. Frontwards or backwards? 435 00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:46,707 - Mike! - I'm talking about the hat. 436 00:19:46,794 --> 00:19:49,144 Oh. Backwards. 437 00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,544 [theme music]