1 00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:03,133 [instrumental music] 2 00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:06,093 This is fun, huh? 3 00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:08,530 Dinner and a movie with my hubby. 4 00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:09,618 Might even let you get a little bit 5 00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:12,186 in the backseat of the car. 6 00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:14,231 Well, we could skip the movie, pull over and do it 7 00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,494 under the L Tracks, then split the Kit-Kat bar 8 00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:17,669 I got in my glove box. 9 00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:20,150 No, come on, I dressed up fancy. 10 00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:22,065 I want to go to a nice restaurant with good food 11 00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:25,895 not one with a playground or a mascot. 12 00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:28,593 Boy, you are really tying my hands here, lady. 13 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,943 [cell phone rings] 14 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,120 Oh, it's my mom again. 15 00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:34,904 Probably another imaginary prowler 16 00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:36,862 rooting through her underwear drawer. 17 00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:38,690 She actually believes somebody would do that? 18 00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:41,998 People look away when they see it hanging on her clothesline. 19 00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:43,608 - Tell her we're busy. - You tell her. 20 00:00:43,695 --> 00:00:45,001 I don't wanna talk to her. 21 00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:49,005 - I already pushed answer. - Damn it. 22 00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:51,268 Oh, yourmom. 23 00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,314 Hey, Peggy. 24 00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:54,532 What? 25 00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,404 Really? 26 00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:58,754 A raccoon is loose in the attic. 27 00:00:58,841 --> 00:01:01,452 That's impossible, I put chicken wire over the chimney 28 00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:03,715 when she thought the possums were stealing her jewelry. 29 00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:05,369 Hang on. 30 00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,241 It's on the way, let's just stop by 31 00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:09,069 or she'll bug us through the whole movie. 32 00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:11,636 Fine, this better not come out of my backseat time. 33 00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:13,943 Suggest you step on it. 34 00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:15,988 Okay, Peggy, we're on our way. 35 00:01:17,816 --> 00:01:21,168 I...hope you don't die before we get there too. 36 00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,913 Psh. Took him long enough. 37 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,567 If I told him the house was on fire 38 00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:33,441 he'd probably stop for marshmallows and a stick. 39 00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:37,706 Prepare to meet your maker, you ring-tailed bastard! 40 00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:40,317 Bark a couple of times, help me sell this. 41 00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:42,580 - Oh! - Hey, mom. 42 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:43,886 - Oh! - Hey, Peggy. 43 00:01:43,973 --> 00:01:46,018 That raccoon's got us all spooked. 44 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,846 Pull out your service revolver and turn 45 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:51,372 that rodent's ass into a Davy Crockett cap. 46 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:53,287 How the heck could a raccoon get in the house? 47 00:01:53,374 --> 00:01:54,810 A glass cutter and a suction cup? 48 00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:57,987 What do you want from me, Colombo? 49 00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:00,772 That possum wearing your pearls would scare it away. 50 00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:03,601 I'll bet they're in cahoots, one of them's eating my garbage 51 00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:06,648 while the other one's watching me in the shower. 52 00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:10,391 It's like having your own little fan club. 53 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,523 Mike, just-just go upstairs and scare it away. 54 00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:15,309 Be careful, those things got razor sharp teeth 55 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,658 and their spittle can give you brain worms. 56 00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,181 Brain worms? 57 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,575 They crawl inside your medulla oblongata 58 00:02:20,662 --> 00:02:22,403 and the next thing you know, you're sitting under a tree 59 00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:25,971 in your underwear eating packing peanuts. 60 00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:27,538 Is that what happened to the neighbor lady? 61 00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:29,540 Probably the same raccoon. 62 00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:31,325 Poor thing's a Looney Toon. 63 00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:33,370 For Halloween, she puts a colander on her head 64 00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:36,765 and hands out little travel shampoos. 65 00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:38,984 Just stomp around a little bit so we can get out of here. 66 00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:41,944 I don't mind dying alone, but I won't have them 'coons 67 00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:45,774 tearing the skin off my skull like it's a taffy apple. 68 00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:48,385 I'm sure Mike'll scare it away. 69 00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:51,345 In the dark, his silhouette has a very bear-like shape. 70 00:02:51,432 --> 00:02:55,131 Hm. So, where are you two headed all gussied up? 71 00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:58,961 Is the Queen in town? 72 00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,224 No, we're just gonna grab a bite and maybe catch a movie. 73 00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,400 Oh, la-dee-da. 74 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,361 I can't get Mike to mow my yard, but he's got time 75 00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:11,539 to trot you around town like a show pony. 76 00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:13,584 We actually haven't been out in quite a while. 77 00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:15,325 You know, we've both been pretty busy with work 78 00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:16,370 and, you know, we're trying to start a family.. 79 00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,763 Right, right. 80 00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:20,896 Maybe I'll get to hold the baby a couple of times 81 00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:24,682 before my arms get chewed off by wild animals. 82 00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:27,598 Well, if that happens, we'll just strap him to a BabyBjorn 83 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:30,035 so you can still walk around with him, okay? 84 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,954 Alright, mom, no raccoons on the premises 85 00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:40,089 but I did see some very familiar faeces up there. 86 00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:42,091 Oh, why are you eyeballing Jim? 87 00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:44,006 He hasn't messed in the house since he ate 88 00:03:44,093 --> 00:03:46,095 that half-pound bar of baking chocolate. 89 00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:47,618 Oh, been there, done that. 90 00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:49,446 - You ready to.. - Yes. 91 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:52,232 Oh, right, I forgot. You and Madonna are going clubbing. 92 00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:55,060 We're actually going to see the new Sandra Bullock movie. 93 00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:59,021 Oh, is that the one where she turns out to be her own ghost? 94 00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:01,328 Thank you. I hate surprises. 95 00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:02,981 Does this mean we can skip the movie? 96 00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:05,375 [Molly] 'No.' 97 00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:07,377 Would it have killed you to at least bark 98 00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,553 a couple of times, help build the drama? 99 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,470 [Jim barks] Too little, too late. 100 00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:18,867 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 101 00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:21,826 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 102 00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:35,884 Samuel, you should've warned me 103 00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:38,582 that those were particularly drippy ribs. 104 00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:41,324 Perhaps, but would my voice have been heard over the sounds 105 00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:45,197 of gnashing teeth and crunching bones? 106 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,025 Right? When he tears into those baby backs 107 00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:48,549 it sounds like Godzilla eating Tokyo. 108 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,989 I probably should've given complimentary rain ponchos 109 00:04:54,076 --> 00:04:57,209 to everyone sitting in the splash zone. 110 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,864 Just go get me some club soda. 111 00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:02,084 I think it soaked all the way through to my T-shirt. 112 00:05:02,171 --> 00:05:03,781 Well, I'm not surprised, the only place you 113 00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,435 should eat barbecue is naked at a car wash 114 00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:07,132 with a handful of quarters. 115 00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:10,962 - Captain. - Captain. 116 00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:12,399 At ease, officers. 117 00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:14,183 Biggs, may I have a word with you? 118 00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:16,794 Absolutely, sir, how'd you know where to find me? 119 00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:20,276 I've been a police officer for 30 years, Biggs. 120 00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:23,801 You're not exactly a hard tail. 121 00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:25,455 They just follow the candy wrappers. 122 00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:32,070 Carl McMillan, sir. I met you at Mike's wedding. 123 00:05:32,157 --> 00:05:34,203 Okay. 124 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:36,074 I sang a Louis Armstrong song at the reception. 125 00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:37,946 - "What a Wonderful World." - That's right. 126 00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:38,947 ♪ I see trees.. ♪♪ 127 00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:42,385 Wasn't a request, son. 128 00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,866 - You mind giving us a minute? - Absolutely. 129 00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:46,302 I'll position myself at the counter 130 00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:47,782 and, uh, maintain the perimeter. 131 00:05:47,869 --> 00:05:49,174 Scan and protect. 132 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,785 Scan and...protect. 133 00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:56,573 All day long in the car with that one, huh? 134 00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,620 I don't even hear it anymore. It's like living with a parrot. 135 00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:04,233 Uh, listen, if this is about this fitness reports 136 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,714 believe it or not, I've lost almost 35 pounds. 137 00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,585 [table creaks] 138 00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:14,591 Yeah, you're just a little wisp of a thing. 139 00:06:17,202 --> 00:06:18,552 Is that a joke, sir? 140 00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:21,729 You might make detective yet, Biggs. 141 00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:25,254 Look, I wanted to talk to you about your mother. 142 00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,082 Oh, did she insult you at my wedding? 143 00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:29,476 Because I had nothing to do with the seating arrangements. 144 00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:31,521 Actually, I enjoyed her company very much 145 00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:34,089 and was curious if she had any.. 146 00:06:34,176 --> 00:06:36,134 ...current entanglements. 147 00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:40,312 She's always feuding with the Korean guy across the street. 148 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,706 Nothing serious, just a few racial slurs 149 00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:45,361 and an occasional turd in the mailbox. 150 00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:49,670 So, no gentleman friend to speak of? 151 00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:52,760 I don't think she has any friends. 152 00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:55,937 The Korean guy's the only one who interacts with her at all. 153 00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:59,331 In that case, would you mind inquiring if she would be open 154 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,943 to a dinner invitation from a firm 155 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:05,033 but fun, older gentleman? 156 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,557 You mean you? You want to ask my mother out on a date? 157 00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,037 One clue and you solved the case. 158 00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:15,652 Sorry, I just don't usually get requests 159 00:07:15,739 --> 00:07:19,395 from people wanting to spend more time with my mother. 160 00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:22,180 I don't know why not, she's funny, charming 161 00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,921 actually the first woman to spark my interest 162 00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:25,401 since my wife passed away. 163 00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:28,970 And this is my mom we're talking about? 164 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,321 Peggy Biggs? 165 00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:35,977 Blue eyes, auburn hair, the legs of a June Taylor dancer. 166 00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:38,762 My mom has blue eyes? 167 00:07:38,849 --> 00:07:40,764 With tiny flecks of yellow. 168 00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,245 Every time she cracks a joke, they just light up the room. 169 00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:46,074 Huh. 170 00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:49,207 Hang on. I think I got a picture of her in my wallet. 171 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,343 Just so I know we're talking about the same woman. 172 00:07:58,303 --> 00:08:00,262 You know, I saw him dancing with her at the wedding 173 00:08:00,349 --> 00:08:01,872 but, I mean, we were all pretty drunk by then 174 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,961 and nobody was making good choices. 175 00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:07,356 My mom dating my boss? 176 00:08:07,443 --> 00:08:09,793 It's just got disaster written all over it. 177 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,318 Not necessarily. I dated one my bosses and it worked out great. 178 00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,407 Until his wife found out and spray painted 179 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,671 home-wrecking whore on the side of your car. 180 00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:24,939 Well, if you look hard enough, every picnic has an ant or two. 181 00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:26,462 When I was working for the airlines 182 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,159 and schtupping that pilot.. 183 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,816 ...I could fly anywhere for free. 184 00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:35,036 That's how I took you girls to Disney World. 185 00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,908 Don't all airline employees and their kids fly free anyway? 186 00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:41,390 Not first class. 187 00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,261 You're a good mom. 188 00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:46,003 Well, seeing you two spinning in the teacups 189 00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:49,224 was worth the Mr. Toad I had to ride to get you there. 190 00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:50,878 [telephone ringing] 191 00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:55,317 - Guess who. - Tell her I'm not here. 192 00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,449 Oh, I already pushed answer. 193 00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:02,498 I know, mom, I'm a disappointment to myself too. 194 00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:05,849 He's back, huh? 195 00:09:05,936 --> 00:09:08,330 Well, call Animal Control. 196 00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:12,247 No, they're not all a bunch of drunk hillbillies. 197 00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:16,164 [sighs] Eh, fine. I'm on my way. 198 00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:17,948 - Be right back. - But I made dinner. 199 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,428 Don't let her feed you. 200 00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:20,777 Come on, I can't control her. 201 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:25,608 And what I had to go through to get those tickets to Hawaii. 202 00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:30,047 Whew! While you girls were at a luau feasting on roast pig 203 00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:33,660 I was at the Honolulu Hyatt with more than an apple in my mouth. 204 00:09:37,359 --> 00:09:40,492 Why do all of our childhood stories have to be so nasty? 205 00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,849 No raccoons to speak of, but I did find my Mr. Binky 206 00:09:48,936 --> 00:09:51,112 that you told me the devil took when I wet the bed. 207 00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:57,074 Worked, didn't it? Not a squirt out of you in 30 years. 208 00:09:57,161 --> 00:10:00,034 And I have you to thank for my swollen prostate. 209 00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:03,385 Aw, pshaw. Let's strap on the feed bag and watch "Judge Judy." 210 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,822 I gotta get home, mom. Molly made dinner. 211 00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:09,173 Boy, when she says, "Jump," you say, "I wish I could." 212 00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:20,358 That's good. That's good quality time with mommy. 213 00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:24,014 Well, pardon me for wanting to spend one evening with my boy. 214 00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:25,059 Don't worry, I won't bother you ever again. 215 00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:26,843 Mom, stop it. 216 00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:28,802 No, just bury me in my red dress and make sure 217 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,978 the gravediggers don't have their way with me. 218 00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:36,244 Listen to me. 219 00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:39,203 You're driving yourself crazy staying cooped up in this house. 220 00:10:39,290 --> 00:10:42,163 Hearing things in the walls, talking to dogs. 221 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:44,644 Don't look at me like that's not true, you little attic crapper. 222 00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:47,777 Don't raise your voice to Jim. 223 00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,692 He's the only real friend I've got. 224 00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,868 - That's not true. - Yes, it is. 225 00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:53,435 The women at church wouldn't throw 226 00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,655 holy water on me if I was on fire. 227 00:10:58,353 --> 00:10:59,963 You still have a lot of life to live. 228 00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,138 Have you thought about getting out there 229 00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,531 and maybe dating again? 230 00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,402 Oh, yeah, I'll just leave a trail 231 00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:06,361 of breadcrumbs to my bloomers. 232 00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:13,542 What if I told you that I know a nice, older gentleman 233 00:11:13,629 --> 00:11:16,240 who would very much like to spend some time with you? 234 00:11:18,503 --> 00:11:21,593 If this is where you shove me into a nursing home van 235 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,292 you better have a rag of ether and a lead pipe. 236 00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:27,948 [Jim barks] 237 00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,041 Just secure the bank and seal off the area. 238 00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:36,608 I want choppers in the air and a SWAT team on the ground. 239 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,393 [knock on door] Captain? 240 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,569 Put snipers on the roof of the surrounding buildings 241 00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:42,353 and if they get a clean shot, tell 'em to take it. 242 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,313 - I'll be standing by. - Everything alright, sir? 243 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,968 Eh, bank robbery in progress near the Financial District. 244 00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,884 No fatalities, but he's holding about a dozen people hostage. 245 00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:52,668 Wow, it's crazy out there. 246 00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:54,801 My partner and I just broke up a pretty nasty turf war. 247 00:11:54,888 --> 00:11:56,324 - Gang-related? - Hot dog vendors. 248 00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:00,502 Sort of a throw down between the foot-long guy 249 00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:03,200 and the kosher guy. 250 00:12:03,287 --> 00:12:04,898 Uh-huh. 251 00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,421 So, you got some good news for me? 252 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:09,424 Yeah, they're gonna share the spot. 253 00:12:09,511 --> 00:12:11,165 And, uh, we put a soft pretzel guy 254 00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:13,863 in between 'em to act as kind of a buffer. 255 00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,299 I was talking about your mother, Biggs. 256 00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:18,215 - Did you speak to her? - I did. 257 00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:21,566 Here's her number and she told me to tell you, and I quote 258 00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:24,178 "If you're looking for an easy spread, buy some Miracle Whip." 259 00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:29,400 Damn, I love a woman with some pepper in her jack. 260 00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:31,185 Thanks for making this happen. 261 00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,448 And I'm assuming whatever goes on between the two of you 262 00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,276 won't affect me or my livelihood in any way. 263 00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,799 Of course not. 264 00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:39,976 This was just you doing a favor for a friend. 265 00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:41,673 A friend? 266 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,067 I'm friends with a lot of people in a lot of places 267 00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:46,766 and I can certainly be a friend to you. 268 00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,594 Well, one can't have too many friends, sir. 269 00:12:49,681 --> 00:12:52,728 Oh, speaking of which, the, uh, mayor gave me 270 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:57,298 his courtside seats to the Bulls and I can't use 'em. 271 00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,779 Courtside? I've never sat courtside before. 272 00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:02,564 You play your cards right, Biggs, you might see bars 273 00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:05,785 on that shirt instead of barbecue sauce. 274 00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:09,701 Actually curried mustard. 275 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:13,705 The frankfurter turf war got kind of messy. 276 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,707 I better go take a bite out of crime, sir. 277 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,017 - How'd it go? - I gave him my mom's number. 278 00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:23,672 And he gave me two courtside tickets to the Bulls game. 279 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:26,109 Courtside? 280 00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:27,328 Well if it doesn't work out with your mom 281 00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:29,809 does he like old black ladies? 282 00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:31,723 My grandma will do a lot more for a lot less. 283 00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:39,035 [crowd cheering] 284 00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:46,129 These are the best seats ever. 285 00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:47,609 You know, if we wanted to 286 00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:50,394 we could actually trip the guys on the other team. 287 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:53,615 - But we won't, right? - No, no, I'm just saying. 288 00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:56,226 But we'd probably get on TV. 289 00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,620 - Go Bulls! - Whoo! 290 00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,013 It's so hard not to trip them now 291 00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:02,015 'cause I'm-I'm thinking about it. 292 00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,625 I won't, I won't, I won't. 293 00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:05,670 How about the courtside service, huh? 294 00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,107 That's a nice little perk. 295 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:08,673 I know, before one beer is finished 296 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,675 another one magically appears in my hand. 297 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:13,548 Same with nachos. It's like the guy can read my mind. 298 00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:16,029 The whistling and the pointing at your mouth probably helps. 299 00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,292 Whoo! 300 00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:20,424 You realize that by accepting these tickets 301 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,774 I'm essentially pimping out my mom. 302 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,602 Worth it. 303 00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:25,908 And you didn't pimp her out 304 00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,170 they're just having dinner together. 305 00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:28,606 My mother and my boss. 306 00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,304 I keep waiting for the phone call 307 00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,523 telling me I'm out of work, and she's under arrest. 308 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:33,829 She seems like the kind of woman 309 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,744 that might actually flourish in prison. 310 00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,398 Whoo! 311 00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,226 Oh, yeah, she would definitely be in her element 312 00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:40,749 but we would still have to visit her. 313 00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:43,534 True, but the-there's the protective glass. 314 00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:45,232 Legs. Go, Bulls! 315 00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,844 It's win-win, you've done a favor for your boss 316 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,541 and your mom might finally 317 00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:53,066 have some male companionship that's more masculine than her. 318 00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:56,547 [laughs] 319 00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,723 Give it back. Molly? 320 00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:04,773 - I could've totally made that. - I know. I know. 321 00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:13,956 - Whoo-hoo-hoo! - This thing is a beast! 322 00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:15,436 I love being up high too. 323 00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:17,960 It gives me a false sense of superiority. 324 00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,657 There's nothing false about it, this is the finest 325 00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,703 urban police vehicle on the road today. 326 00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:24,227 It's so big, it makes me feel like I actually lost 327 00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:27,187 the 35 pounds I told the captain I did. 328 00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:30,016 Hey, listen to this, "High speed rear crash tested 329 00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:33,802 level three ballistic door panels, framed in boron steel." 330 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,978 They put boron in this baby? 331 00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,762 This is Robocop kind of stuff, man. 332 00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:40,200 [imitating Robocop] The future is now. 333 00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:41,679 Hey, let me drive. 334 00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:43,855 No way! My mom's the one dating the captain 335 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,075 so get used to sitting bench. 336 00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:47,947 Come on, man, it's bad enough I didn't go 337 00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,079 to the Bulls game last night. 338 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,995 Alright, after lunch, we'll find an empty parking lot 339 00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:55,519 and I'll let you toodle it around a little bit. 340 00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:58,392 I'll need to lock my seat position into the memory. 341 00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:02,265 Oh, that seat's not going to forget you. 342 00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:03,875 It's all the way back, all the way down 343 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,053 and after lunch, it's with the door cracked open. 344 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:08,663 Just for that, I'm not going to let you drive. 345 00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,752 Come on, don't be that way! 346 00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,972 [automated message] 'Test Car One, captain requests your presence' 347 00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,016 'back at the station.' 348 00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:16,758 That's us. Where's the radio? 349 00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,455 I don't know if there is one. 350 00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,501 It might be voice activated. 351 00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:24,505 We hear you, and we are responding! 352 00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:27,595 [automated message] 'Test Car One, do you read?' 353 00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:30,467 Yes. Yes, we read. 354 00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,295 Hit the lights, we better just get there. 355 00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,210 Lights, lights. Where are the lights? 356 00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:46,222 - Captain, you wanted to see me? - Sit down, Biggs. 357 00:16:48,703 --> 00:16:51,271 Is there a problem, sir? Did my mom order the lobster? 358 00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:55,753 Take a seat, and hand over the keys to the test vehicle. 359 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,842 That baby handles like a champ, sir. 360 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,453 My only complaint would be the cup holder 361 00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:03,109 which can't accommodate anything over 32 ounces. 362 00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:05,546 You don't have to worry about that anymore. 363 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,591 We're giving you back your old squad car. 364 00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:08,984 I can't go back to my old car. 365 00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:12,161 That like going back to single stuffed Oreos. 366 00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:14,033 After last night's dinner with your mother 367 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,992 I am not feeling very generous towards you. 368 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:19,473 Sir, now I told you she was a bit ornery. 369 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,779 Granted, that's like saying my alligator's a bit of a nipper 370 00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:25,609 but you were warned. 371 00:17:25,696 --> 00:17:28,351 - Your mother was a delight. - Come again? 372 00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:31,441 Funny, vibrant and a straight-shooter. 373 00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:32,703 You're speaking metaphorically. 374 00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:35,924 She didn't actually try to shoot you? 375 00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,839 The only sour note of the whole evening 376 00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:40,537 is when the subject of you came up. 377 00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:42,757 Is this about me being a 14-pound baby? 378 00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:46,021 I know I did a number on her, but you can't blame me. 379 00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,763 This isn't about a baby, this is about a grown 380 00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:51,809 man who ignores the woman who sacrificed and toiled 381 00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:56,597 to make sure that hip-splitting ingrate had a good life. 382 00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,990 I don't know what she told you, but you've got to take 383 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,645 everything she says with a grain of salt. 384 00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:04,431 Might be time for you and that party girl you married 385 00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:07,260 to put your sainted mother on your social calendar. 386 00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:10,785 Sir, I don't know where you guys ate 387 00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:12,787 but I know what she fed you. 388 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,793 From now on, Sundays belong to her. 389 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,143 No ifs, ands, or buts. 390 00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:22,927 And help her out around the house 391 00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:24,712 at least enough to keep the animals 392 00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:28,107 from chewing off her angel face. 393 00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,457 Sir, I have found no evidence to support 394 00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,633 the repeated claims of wild animals. 395 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,678 Say one more thing against that lovely woman 396 00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:37,420 you're guarding porta potties outside Soldier Field. 397 00:18:37,507 --> 00:18:40,423 - Is that understood? - Loud and clear, sir. 398 00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:43,470 - Knock, knock. - And there she is. Ooh hoo-hoo! 399 00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:45,950 - Look at those stems. - Mom? 400 00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:47,517 Michael, what a sweet surprise. 401 00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:50,390 I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. 402 00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:51,739 Mom, what's with the getup? 403 00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,567 Oh, you know I like to look nice. 404 00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:55,656 Murph wanted to take me to lunch, but I thought 405 00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:58,659 I'd pack us a little picnic instead, if that's okay. 406 00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:01,749 Oh, that's more than okay. That's perfect. 407 00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:05,840 Oh, what a sweet, considerate woman...you are. 408 00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:18,766 You're a lucky man, Biggs. 409 00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:21,290 Yeah, lucky. 410 00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:24,337 Think I need a little air. Getting kinda light-headed. 411 00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,079 Do you like breasts or legs? 412 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,559 Can I decide after I eat the chicken? 413 00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,039 Oh! 414 00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:33,607 Wake up. Wake up. 415 00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:34,999 Oh, God, it's real. 416 00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:42,311 No, they're here, Murph. 417 00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,095 She's setting the table and he's upstairs 418 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,880 trying to get rid of that raccoon. 419 00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:49,840 - Raccoon, my ass. - I'm on the phone. 420 00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:52,060 Can you swing by later for coffee and dessert? 421 00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:53,975 I'll save you a big piece. 422 00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:55,933 Oh, you're terrible. 423 00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:58,893 No, I was talking about pie. 424 00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:02,157 Oh! You're terrible! 425 00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:04,115 [Peggy laughs] 426 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,422 Alright, we'll see you later. 427 00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:09,295 Every possible point of entry is sealed with chicken wire. 428 00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:11,775 You shouldn't be bothered by raccoons again, mom. 429 00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,386 Thank you for being so thorough. 430 00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:15,170 I'll be sure to mention it to the captain. 431 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,697 Ooh, I better crack open some Cool Whip for the pie. 432 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,223 What the hell were you thinking 433 00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:25,659 setting your mom up with your boss? 434 00:20:25,746 --> 00:20:27,617 Aren't you the one who told me it was a win-win? 435 00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:29,097 Hey, when you're sitting courtside 436 00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:31,491 the whole world's made of cotton candy. 437 00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:34,233 [Peggy] 'Mikey, take Jim for a quick walk before dinner.' 438 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,799 'I don't want him tooting stinkers' 439 00:20:35,886 --> 00:20:37,540 'while the captain's here.' 440 00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:39,760 Yes, sir. I mean, mom. 441 00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:43,285 ♪ I see trees of green red roses too ♪♪ 442 00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:44,765 Don't forget, tomorrow night we're going 443 00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,897 square-dancing with mom and the captain. 444 00:20:46,984 --> 00:20:48,595 Mom and the captain, mom and the captain 445 00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,510 I'm so sick of hearing mom and the captain. 446 00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:51,902 Shh! The walls have ears. 447 00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:54,514 You go. I'm not going. 448 00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,342 You go, you don't go, it doesn't matter. 449 00:20:56,429 --> 00:20:58,561 I'm hoping me and the dog get hit by a car. 450 00:21:03,827 --> 00:21:05,786 [theme music]