But I can't be sick, tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
And if you were a butterball turkey
you would be done right now.
You know what, if I sit in the kitchen
while you're cooking, I can just sweat it out.
You're a trooper, but I don't think you should push yourself.
W-we'll have a wonderful Thanksgiving next year.
I got to wait a whole year for turkey
and stuffing and pumpkin pie?
See how sick you are, You didn't even mention
mashed potatoes or the cranberry sauce.
Damn this fever.
You rest. I'm gonna go break the news to mom and Victoria.
Tell 'em I'm sorry.
They'll be disappointed, but they'll understand.
And gravy.
How could I forget the gravy?
This might be malaria.
Well, if it is malaria, you should stop talking.
- Well, how is he? - He's sick as a dog.
- So we don't have to cook? - We don't have to do nothing.
He can't even get down a piece of toast.
It's a miracle. It's a holiday miracle.
[Mike] 'What is going on out there?'
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
No, Molly, I understand.
Why chum the water when the shark is sick?
Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell Samuel.
Yeah, and if you can't get him to take his Aspirin
hide it in a cheese cube.
Yeah, that's how I get him to take his beano.
Okay. Bye.
Mike is sick on Thanksgiving.
I can't even imagine how this is going
to affect the economy.
Well, you don't need to check the papers to know
that pumpkin pie futures are gonna be way down.
Now, is he really sick, or is this like the day after
the all you can eat hot wing incident?
Uh-uh, no, when he can't get out of bed
for a Thanksgiving meal, he's down for the count.
Even after the three dozen hot wings he still came to work.
The smell of tabasco oozing from his pores.
And the mournful cries from the bathroom of.
It burns! Oh, God, it burns.
Well, I'm surprised he's not sick all the time.
That man never washes his hands.
Yeah, our cook is exactly the same way.
And he's a picker.
- Picks what? - You name it.
If he can reach it, he picks it.
Anyway, what are we doing for Thanksgiving now?
Well, we're certainly not gonna eat here.
Hey, there's a singles potluck at my church.
Good home cooked meal, plenty of available women.
You're not suggesting we hit on women
in a house of worship, are you?
Some of the nastiest women I've ever met
has been at church.
The first bare boob I ever saw was a Deacon's daughter.
- Really? - Oh, she was a freak too.
Said I could touch it for five dollars.
Three of which was supposed to go to UNICEF.
I am intrigued.
And yet I worry that without the benefits of alcohol
and loud techno music, a spotlight will be shown
on the fact that, I'm a horny, penniless waiter.
No, no. No, no. No.
What you are is-is a mysterious, exotic immigrant
lookin' to make good in the land of opportunity.
And all I need is the love of a good Christian woman
who truly understands that the meek shall inherit the Earth.
And the last shall be first.
They don't call it the sermon on the mount for nothin'.
So are we talking full dashiki and no speakee-dee English?
Mm-hm, yeah, but luckily, your charitable
American benefactor will be there to translate.
You much good friend to Samuel..
...Mr. Carl.
One world, one love, my brother.
[laughing]
Take a couple more bites, it's chicken soup
it's good for you.
It's chicken and noodles.
I like chicken and stars.
Sweetie, it's, it's the same thing.
No, it's not.
Stars are chewy, and noodles are slurpy.
Well, why don't you just
chew the noodles into lil' stars?
Hey, doll, great news, my brother's in town
and he's coming over for Thanksgiving.
Oh, I hope he likes Chinese food.
We're not cooking this year. What are you talking about?
Well, with the eating machine on the Fritz
it's every man for himself.
But I promised Frankie a big, home cooked meal.
Even went out and got his favorite wine.
Oh!
Red.
That's my favorite too.
"I don't like noodles. I like stars."
I'll show you stars right in your noodle.
What's all this about turkey day getting canceled?
Mike's sick as a dog, I'm not gonna go to all
the trouble for nothin'.
Kind of a big decision to make without calling
a family meeting, don't you think?
We actually don't have family meetings
which is one of the main reasons you're still here.
Joyce, I promised my brother an old fashioned Thanksgiving
with my loving wife and my loving family.
- Wife? - You know what I mean.
Wife to be. We're practically married.
Practically nothing.
It's been over a year since you stuck this fake
rock on my hand.
And I haven't heard a peep about an actual wedding date.
Oh, I see, you're trying to use this as blackmail
to get me to marry you. Very nice.
Blackmail you? Ugh!
I'm sorry, I-I was under the impression
you wanted to marry me.
What I want you to do is stick a fistful of bread
up a turkey's ass and toss it in the oven.
Well, hand me a loaf of rye bread and bend over.
Alright, don't sneeze on me
cough on me or fart on my leg.
Molly?
No, your wife called first dibs on the couch
and since Joyce won't let me in our bed
I have to bunk with patient zero.
Are those your feet under my legs?
You mind, they're ice cold and your calves are like
a fire pit.
Actually, the cold's kinda nice.
What's the big deal about a piece of paper?
She knows I love her. What more does she want?
Will you hand me my water?
Absolutely.
Wow.
Like leaning over a 300 pound microwaved burrito.
Thirsty.
Yeah, yeah, sit up a little.
Don't drink too much, 'cause I'm not gonna give you
a piggyback ride to the can.
I love bendy straws.
Yeah, women have to complicate everything.
You ever notice the only time they're happy
is when they're makin' you miserable?
Crazy straws are fun too. Do they still make those?
Men don't like all that drama.
We're simple folk.
You know, sometimes I think
gay guys really got it made.
Okay, move your feet.
I'm just saying..
...with women, a guy's word isn't enough.
Remember when I promised you tickets to the bears game?
Yeah, I do.
And did I make good on that promise?
No, you did not.
And yet...here we are
snuggled up like two bugs in a rug.
My life would be so much easier
if I liked to drive stick.
- I think I'm gonna throw up. - Hey.
whoa, it's not like you're my type, either.
Plus, you could do a lot worse than me.
No, I really think I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, alright.
I'll get you a bucket and some ice chips.
I'm just saying, your wife's downstairs
and I'm up here taking care of you.
Don't tell me I'm not a catch.
I really hope this is a fever dream.
[clattering]
What the hell?
[clattering]
Dammit! Who organized this kitchen?
Jose Feliciano?
Vince, what are you doing?
It's 6 o'clock in the morning.
6:00? I got to get my birds in the oven.
Birds?
They were all out of turkeys, so I got nine Cornish hens
and two chicken fryers.
- How many ladies leaping? - Apparently none.
I'm cooking this whole thing by myself.
Hey, you can't blame mom for being mad at you, Vince.
You've dragged this engagement out a long time.
Hey, I want to marry her.
I just need to wait for the right time.
Yeah, and when is that?
When I'm not dead ass broke.
What are you talking about Broke?
I thought your airline pillow business was
raking in the do-re-mi.
I got knocked out by the giant conglomerates.
Turns out big little pillow totally smothers
little, little pillow.
Uh, so you didn't have any savings or anything?
That got pretty well chewed through
when my first wife got sick.
Between the hospital bills and home care..
...I was tapped out.
Oh. I didn't know that.
Bunny hated hospitals.
It was better for her to be home so I could be with her.
Well, have you, have you told mom this?
No, I don't want her to think
she's engaged to some deadbeat.
Besides, I'm gonna turn it around
and I'll be able to take care of her
in the fashion she deserves.
So, uh, how much stuffing can you get
into one of these Cornish game hens?
I pack it in those tiny rumps till they say uncle.
Don't just mash 'em, you gotta whip 'em
so they're light and fluffy.
Put your rotator cuff into it.
Vince, give me a break, I know how to mash potatoes.
If you say so, but I'm looking at some pretty sizeable lumps.
Yeah, an-and I'm talking to one.
If you wanna do the potatoes, be my guest.
I'm in charge of the birds and the pasta.
You're in charge of all the side dishes
and keepin' the liquor flowin'.
Oh, okay, I can handle that.
Hey, I was letting that breathe!
Which is what I'm doing to you, thanks to this wine.
They were all out of black olives
so I got green ones and soy sauce.
I figured we can dye 'em like Easter eggs.
Her volunteering to help is kind
of a mixed blessing, isn't it?
That's why I sent her on an errand.
She usually gets lost.
[piano music]
[indistinct chattering]
[music continues]
Crowd's a little bit older than I expected.
Yes, I'm guessing several of these people
were actually at the first Thanksgiving.
This is probably just the early birds, you know
I'm guessing the younger crowd's gonna
filter in a little bit later.
Oh, good, just in time to help us
load the wheelchairs into the vans.
You know, when I heard it was a singles thing
I figured it was because they hadn't found a husband
not because they'd buried one.
At least one, it's like walking
into the "Thriller" video.
I'm gonna warn you boys off the stuffing.
Miss Minerva's half blind and those pecans
could be anything from dog treats to kidney medication.
Grandma, where's all the young people?
Everybody here is in the triple digits.
I should've known you weren't here
for good Christian fellowship
when you showed up with Kunta Kinte.
This is actually traditional Senegalese formal wear.
Well, then I got a shower curtain you can wear to prom.
You boys need to get out of here if you're just trying
to knock some precious lamb off of her righteous path.
Ain't no lambs here. Just old goats and mules.
Listen, instead of just standing around
thinkin' nasty thoughts, why don't you top off
some sweet teas or get these folks some pie.
Okay, grandma.
And when you take 'em pie you might wanna hold
a mirror under their noses.
Don't just set it on their laps and walk away.
I worked hard on those pies.
Great, so on my one day off I have to serve people food.
Thank you, Carl.
Knock, knock.
Did you bring me some 7up?
No, I'm looking for a pair of earrings I loaned Molly.
Would you mind bringing me some 7up?
Sure!
Why don't I wait on you hand and foot
let you have sex with me every night
and then when it comes time to marry me
you back out?
If we don't have 7up, ginger ale's fine.
Vince and I have been engaged for over a year.
Why can't you men commit?
And put a bendy straw in it. I love bendy straws.
You know, I am not gonna twist
anybody's arm to get him to marry me.
I am a vibrant, sexy woman.
I can have any man I want.
You know, I think I could hold down a couple
of saltines, if you're headed to the kitchen.
I think maybe it's time to light a fire
under Mr. Moranto's hairy ass.
Crackers!
7up!
Anything!
You ladies did a wonderful job.
- I really appreciate it. - Aw.
Now, get out of those rags and put on something nice.
My brother will be here any minute.
[doorbell rings]
Well, at least I'll look good.
Vinny! Give me a hug, you bald-headed bastard.
Francis, welcome to my humble abode.
[chuckles]
What are you doin' out here in the sticks?
There isn't a decent cannoli for at least three miles.
You don't consult a map when you follow your heart, Francis.
Allow me to introduce you to my precious family.
- Hi. I'm Molly. - That's my oldest.
She's a teacher, a shaper of young minds.
Little opinionated, but the good with the bad.
Okay, thank you, Vince.
- Nice to meet you. - Yeah, it's a pleasure.
What's the story with this one?
I'm Victoria. Vince's baby girl.
I'm your Uncle Frankie.
I upgraded to a Lexus at the airport
if you wanna go out for ice cream after dinner.
Okay, you're one of those Uncle Frankies.
Come on, why don't you help me in the kitchen?
- What happened? - You did nothing wrong.
Was that the doorbell?
You must be Francis.
Well, I can see who got the looks in the family.
Frankie, this is Joyce, she's my--
No, just Joyce.
He's been threatening to marry me for over a year
but I'm not holdin' my breath.
If you did, you'd pop out of that dress.
Oh! Oh-ho-ho, clever.
Can I get you a drink, I got you a whole case
of that New Zealand Malbec you like.
I-I've actually matured into the heady Tuscan varietals.
I have an adventurous palate.
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
with my tongue.
- 'Is the turkey done yet?' - Oh, yeah.
We got one we keep in the attic.
Every family does.
In our family, it was him.
[laughing]
[piano music]
♪ They asked me ♪
♪ How I knew ♪
♪ My true love was true ♪
♪ I of course replied.. ♪
You know, her perfume was
a little overwhelming at first
but now I don't mind it so much.
Mine has more of a medicinal smell.
But it too is oddly comforting.
If you got something to say
this is my good ear.
He said you smell nice!
Shut up, man, these old guys are already starting
to give us the stink eye.
Uh, start throwin' AARP cards
like Ninja stars.
Yeah, if I'm gonna get my ass kicked
I'd rather it weren't by a prosthetic leg.
What do you say we get out of here?
This place is dead.
It will be soon.
I got a jug of sangria and a box
of Dominoes at my place.
Ooh, we can watch football and have leftover cobbler.
We'll meet you out at the van.
Are we really gonna do this?
Uh, just cobbler and football.
Perhaps they're expecting more.
Well, whatever happens at the assisted living facility..
...stays at the assisted living facility.
This doesn't look like a Thanksgiving dinner.
It's looks like a drive-by at a chicken coop.
We gotta get some food in your mom
before she takes her top off and starts giving
my brother dollar lap dances.
Vince, she's just tryin' to upset you.
Why don't you go in there and just tell her the truth?
Hey, I might be flat broke and living rent-free
with you people, but I got my pride.
She's a loyal woman, besides, if she hasn't found
a reason to dump you yet you're probably in the clear.
Huh? What did I tell you?
Is that a knot, or is that a knot?
Very impressive.
And that's just one of the things
I can do with my tongue.
- Is your shoe tied? - Alright, Joyce, reel it in.
- Frankie, back off. - Hey, I'm not doin' anything.
Although I'm guessing I could've if I wanted to.
Try it, and the turkey won't be the only thing
getting carved tonight.
What turkey, it looks like
you ran over a family of baby ducks.
Hey, until you make an honest woman of me
I'm a free agent.
Mom, Vince has something to tell you.
- No, I don't! - Yes, you do.
- Do I smell turkey? - Stay in bed!
Vince!
I'm broke, okay?
I don't have two nickels to rub together.
That's it?
That's the reason you haven't married me yet?
I wanna be able to take care of ya.
Give you the nice things you deserve.
I don't care about any of that.
For better or for worse, you big dope.
Doesn't that mean anything?
But I can't shower you with diamonds and furs.
I had to hock my watch to pay for those chickens.
I don't need any of that stuff.
All I want is you.
I love you, Joyce.
You're a hell of a broad.
I'm up. It's a miracle.
I got my appetite back.
I think bobo chewed through his chain.
[male #1] 'By the power vested in me'
'by the state of Illinois, I now pronounce'
'you husband and wife.'
[applauding]
- I love you, Vin. - I love you too, Red.
And I promise, as soon as I get back on my feet
I'll give you a proper wedding.
You already did.
And now I'm gonna give you an improper honeymoon.
Ah, here you go, baby brother.
Just a little something to give you two young people
a fresh start.
You soft-hearted son of a bitch.
- I don't know what to say. - May I kiss the bride?
No.
Do they have a cafeteria here?
Maybe they got turkey pot pies.
Thanksgiving is over, Mike.
Turkey jerky. A pigeon. Anything.