1
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:04,961
Alright, come on.
Show me pregnant!

2
00:00:05,048 --> 00:00:06,571
Baby needs a new
pair of parents!

3
00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:09,226
- Ah, it's negative.
- Rats!

4
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:10,836
You sure you peed on it enough?

5
00:00:10,923 --> 00:00:13,926
Yeah, like I was
putting out a forest fire.

6
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,233
Doesn't make any sense. We've
been going at it like rabbits.

7
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,801
We should have a whole yard
full of bunnies by now.

8
00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:20,281
Boy, you really did
drench this thing.

9
00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:21,891
Well, hey, you tell me
to pee on something

10
00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:23,588
I'm gonna pee on it.

11
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:26,330
Good news is, we can still
keep doing the bunny hop.

12
00:00:26,417 --> 00:00:27,940
Yeah, I guess.
Just seems like a whole

13
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,160
lot of hard work for nothing.

14
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:31,814
You mean other than the loving

15
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,598
and spiritual connection
we've been having?

16
00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:35,209
- Sure, sure.
- Yeah.

17
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:36,906
Hey, uh, you know,
we could always squeeze one in

18
00:00:36,993 --> 00:00:38,734
before I have to go to work.

19
00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:41,215
As romantic as that sounds,
I still have to take a shower

20
00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:42,607
wash my hair and shave my legs.

21
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,392
Don't doll it up
on my account.

22
00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:47,786
I can power through, even
if you're stinky and furry.

23
00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:49,484
I know you meant
that as a compliment

24
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:53,662
and what's weird is
I actually took it as one.

25
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,968
Shall we adjourn to the
baby-making chamber?

26
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,015
Yeah, let me grab my toothbrush,
so I can multitask.

27
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:02,323
Okay, but that comes
out of your foreplay.

28
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:05,065
At this point,
it is foreplay.

29
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:10,331
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

30
00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:13,899
♪ I see love ♪♪

31
00:01:25,302 --> 00:01:27,217
I can't believe
she's not pregnant yet.

32
00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:28,827
And I've been giving
it everything I got.

33
00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:32,918
This morning, I almost
popped out an eye.

34
00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:35,051
You did it last night
and this morning?

35
00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:38,446
That's like pitching
both sides of a doubleheader.

36
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,056
With nobody warming
up in the bull pen.

37
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:44,452
Not like I can signal
to bring in the lefty.

38
00:01:44,539 --> 00:01:46,236
You might want to start
icing your privates.

39
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,498
You can't afford an injury

40
00:01:47,585 --> 00:01:49,109
if you only got
one man on your roster.

41
00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:52,634
Yeah, I'm way ahead of you.

42
00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:56,333
That's why I been holding my
Slurpee between my legs all day.

43
00:01:56,420 --> 00:02:01,251
So what's the verdict from
the magic pregnancy pee stick?

44
00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:03,993
No cigar. Mike's still
the only one showing.

45
00:02:06,082 --> 00:02:07,562
I'll get the fried oysters.

46
00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:11,479
I'm starting
to get a little worried, Carl.

47
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:13,220
I mean, what if I can't
give Molly a baby?

48
00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:14,786
You got to stay positive.

49
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,875
- It's gonna happen eventually.
- Better happen soon.

50
00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:18,181
I don't want to be
one of those old dads

51
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,574
showing up
at a Little League game

52
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:22,751
pulling an oxygen tank
behind my Rascal.

53
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,014
Yeah, my grandma
used to take her teeth out

54
00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:28,974
and clack it at the umpire
if she didn't like a call.

55
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,367
Oh, that's embarrassing.

56
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:31,368
Yeah, but thanks
to those choppers

57
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:34,023
I did lead the league in walks.

58
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:36,460
I know Molly's got her
heart set on three kids

59
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,288
and I can't even
give her one.

60
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,376
Let me ask you a question.

61
00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:41,552
[clears throat]

62
00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:43,815
Are you taking proper care
of your testicles?

63
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,255
Well, I'm not rotating
them every 5000 miles

64
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:51,606
if that's what you're asking.

65
00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:53,912
The testes are the delicate
satchel that protects

66
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:56,176
the precious spermatozoa,
the seeds of life.

67
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,178
And oysters
make weenie go boing.

68
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,574
Alright, can we please
stop talking about my junk?

69
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,010
See, right there.
Calling it junk.

70
00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:09,014
A derogatory term
for your sacred lingam.

71
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:10,538
Lingam?

72
00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:12,192
That's what the Hindus
call the male genitalia.

73
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,542
The Egyptians have over
50 different words for it.

74
00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:18,023
It's like the Eskimos with snow.

75
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,938
Still trying to get laid
at the library, huh?

76
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:22,071
[sighs]

77
00:03:22,158 --> 00:03:23,681
Yeah, when someone says,
"Get the hell away from me"

78
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,553
in a whisper,
it doesn't feel as bad.

79
00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:29,470
Here's an interesting fact

80
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:31,646
in order to increase
the number of living sperm

81
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,430
you need to keep your testicles
at the proper temperature.

82
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:35,215
Hey, you know what?

83
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:36,868
I got a really nice thermos
for Christmas last year.

84
00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:40,089
Instead of soup, I could
put my balls in there.

85
00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:42,309
Well, you ain't doing them
any favors by cramming them

86
00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:43,440
into those tightie whities

87
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,617
which are neither
tight nor white.

88
00:03:46,704 --> 00:03:50,273
If I bleach my underwear,
the waistband loses its snap.

89
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,537
Ah, don't blame the bleach
for what your belly does.

90
00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:55,235
Carl, I'm not
switching to boxers.

91
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:56,845
Everything scatters
willy-nilly.

92
00:03:56,932 --> 00:04:00,283
It's like trying to
keep cats in a bucket.

93
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:02,067
Well, it's better than stuffing
them into a bag and letting them

94
00:04:02,154 --> 00:04:05,897
boil to death in that tea kettle
you call a crotch.

95
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:07,551
I'm not wearing boxers.

96
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,423
Well, if you really want
to give those little fellas

97
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,642
a fighting chance,
you should go full commando.

98
00:04:13,427 --> 00:04:14,776
That's even worse.

99
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:15,820
It's like having loose oranges

100
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,518
in the backseat of your car.

101
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,348
Can't make a sharp turn
without one of them

102
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:24,220
hitting the door handle.

103
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:25,613
I'm just saying,
you want your testes

104
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,136
at the proper temperature
for baby making

105
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:29,356
and that responsibility
falls into your sweaty lap.

106
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:31,053
Well, I'm not going
without underwear.

107
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:33,316
I feel naked when I leave
home without my watch.

108
00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:37,886
Yeah, I can't do that either.
I prefer an animal print thong.

109
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,409
Yeah, it keeps your kangaroo
in your pouch

110
00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:41,368
and lets your butt cheeks
breathe easy.

111
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,766
You're really a sick
individual, you know that?

112
00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,554
Thought you said
we were going to a library.

113
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:56,252
- This is a sex shop.
- They have books here.

114
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:57,558
Yeah, but they're all
sealed in plastic

115
00:04:57,645 --> 00:04:59,734
and come three to a pack.

116
00:04:59,821 --> 00:05:00,778
Now, that's a sucker's game.

117
00:05:00,865 --> 00:05:02,302
The middle one is always weird

118
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,347
and it's the one your
grandma always finds.

119
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,870
Molly and I are trying
to get pregnant, Carl

120
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:07,481
not get our freak on.

121
00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:09,004
When's the last time
you been in one of these places?

122
00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:10,614
This is not
your father's porn shop.

123
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:13,138
They now offer a wide
variety of marital aids

124
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:16,141
some of which can be used to
promote fertility and pregnancy.

125
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,361
Really? So it's not just
a room full of sleazy creeps

126
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:21,233
playing tug-of-war
with themselves?

127
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,279
Not at all. It's a place
where healthy people go

128
00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:25,890
to enrich and enhance their
relationships and sex lives.

129
00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:27,849
- Alright, let's give it a shot.
- Alright.

130
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:42,342
[instrumental music]

131
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,303
Hey, where's Mike at?

132
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:48,826
He's been coming through
that door every night

133
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:50,741
at 6 o'clock straight up.

134
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:53,831
Sometimes it's 6:30,
but it's always straight up.

135
00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:58,270
He called, and he and Carl
are going to the library

136
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,576
then he had some errands to run.

137
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:01,404
Bet you're just happy
to be off your back

138
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:03,145
with your legs closed.

139
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,713
Mom, stop!

140
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,107
[whispers]
And yes, I am.

141
00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:11,327
Truthfully, it's a nice
break for everybody.

142
00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:13,068
[sighs]

143
00:06:13,155 --> 00:06:14,374
Right?

144
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:16,201
No offense, honey,
but the walls are thin

145
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:18,508
and you're a bit
of a backseat driver.

146
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:20,467
Mom!

147
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:24,384
"Slow down, speed up.
There it is, there it is."

148
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:29,780
Don't know whether
you're having sex

149
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,566
or giving directions
to a cabbie.

150
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:36,221
Hey, I have a limited time
frame, and I know the route

151
00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:37,701
better than he does.

152
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,531
Well, men will never
ask for directions.

153
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:44,316
They'll drive around aimlessly
before you have to tap them

154
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,623
on the head and say,
"I'll just walk from here."

155
00:06:49,104 --> 00:06:52,716
- Oh, hey, everybody's home.
- Hey, honey. What's that?

156
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:53,935
Nothing, just a..

157
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,458
[both]
Sex wedge.

158
00:06:58,722 --> 00:07:00,985
Went with the ramp
instead of the scoop, huh?

159
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,074
I prefer the Shanghai Intruder.

160
00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:05,207
Costs a little more,
but it comes with a cup holder

161
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:07,383
and a rearview mirror.

162
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,300
Meet me upstairs.

163
00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:17,524
Well...time to make the donuts.

164
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,706
We gonna have sex
on this thing

165
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:28,883
or is Evel Knievel
gonna jump us?

166
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:31,102
Although it's advertised
as an erotic device

167
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,322
it's also a practical
pregnancy aid.

168
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,237
- Really?
- Yeah.

169
00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:37,065
It tilts the uterus
at an advantageous angle

170
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:40,851
to allow sperm
an easy slide to the egg.

171
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:44,159
Careful with that sexy talk,
casanova.

172
00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:47,118
Oh, and Carl also said orgasm
is good for blood flow

173
00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:50,600
which increases the chances
of fertilization.

174
00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:52,297
You and Carl aren't
gonna be on walkie-talkies

175
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,125
through this whole thing,
are you?

176
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,739
No, he just asked me to
text him when we're done.

177
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:01,132
[groans]

178
00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:02,743
Best way is
for you to lay down

179
00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:04,222
and me to slide it
under your rump.

180
00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,268
That's how Carl and I
did it in the store.

181
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,102
Rise and shine, sweetie!
Up and at them!

182
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:16,278
What time is it? Oh.

183
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:18,628
It's time to drink our tea
and make a pee-pee.

184
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:21,413
You pee on it.

185
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,198
- I already did.
- What?

186
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:24,721
Just a little test
to make sure they work.

187
00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:26,854
It was negative, by the way.

188
00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:29,596
There's no way I'm pregnant
already from last night.

189
00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:31,598
I know that, but maybe
one of the ones from last night

190
00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:34,165
nudged a couple
stragglers forward.

191
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:38,387
They're not shopping carts.
Please let me sleep.

192
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:41,869
Why sleep when we can take
another ride on the rump ramp?

193
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:46,003
Mike, you're starting to go
a little overboard with this.

194
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,657
Hey, you're the one
that always says

195
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,616
if you want to get something
done, you got to stay focused.

196
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,574
That's more about
you cleaning the waffle maker

197
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:52,749
when you're done with it.

198
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:56,187
Hey, you got
to let that thing cool.

199
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:59,626
Let me cool. I'm gonna go take a
shower and get ready for work.

200
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:00,931
I suppose we could do it
in the shower

201
00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,324
but gravity's
working against us.

202
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:05,153
My sperm aren't
the Flying Wallendas.

203
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,198
I'm gonna go take a shower
alone..

204
00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,593
...and without your penis.

205
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,116
The Hindus call it a lingam.

206
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:14,118
They're considered
sacred over there.

207
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:15,685
Quit going to the library
with Carl.

208
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,774
Sit in a bar
like a normal person!

209
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,780
♪ Once upon a time
there was an engineer ♪

210
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:26,870
♪ Choo Choo Charlie
was his name we hear ♪♪

211
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:29,481
- Hey.
- Morning, big guy.

212
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,267
Why aren't you upstairs
trying to make Baby Huey?

213
00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:36,967
Don't start with me, Moranto.

214
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,186
And not that
it's any of your business

215
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,753
but I'm taking
the morning off.

216
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,319
Oh, I was wondering
why I didn't see

217
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,321
the ripples in my coffee.

218
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:48,892
I'm kidding. Everything alright
between you two?

219
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:51,068
Yeah, it's just that
getting pregnant is harder

220
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:52,113
than I thought it would be.

221
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,594
Mother Nature is a fickle bitch.

222
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,727
Might I ask you
a personal question?

223
00:09:57,814 --> 00:09:59,076
No.

224
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:01,470
In your youth,
did you perhaps

225
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:05,430
abuse yourself
an inordinate amount?

226
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:09,434
- Can't I just eat my cereal?
- I'll take that as a yes.

227
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:12,873
My point is, your alpha squad
might have been mowed down

228
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:16,703
years ago on Centerfold Beach.

229
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:19,749
I wasn't a pervert.
I only did that a normal amount.

230
00:10:19,836 --> 00:10:23,666
What? Like every night and
a baker's dozen on the weekends?

231
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,800
Not every weekend. Sometimes,
my mom made me go to church.

232
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:29,759
Let's not forget sick days when
you stayed home from school.

233
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:32,849
Oh, geez.
Sick days were free-for-all.

234
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:35,809
Personal best was seven times,
and that was with strep throat.

235
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:39,508
Mine was 11,
and I had the mumps.

236
00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:43,947
Eleven?

237
00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:45,514
And I was holding a ginger ale

238
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:46,994
in my free hand.

239
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:53,130
You know, everything doesn't
have to be a competition.

240
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:55,916
Okay, so let's just say
a normal amount.

241
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,439
So if it's not
your sperm count

242
00:10:57,526 --> 00:11:00,398
perhaps your testosterone level
is a tad low.

243
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,444
Get out of here. I'm overflowing
with testosterone.

244
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,011
I don't know about that.

245
00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:07,275
The higher your testosterone,
the less hair you got.

246
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:08,580
- Really?
- Really.

247
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,671
Now, you have
a luxurious head of hair.

248
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:14,717
I, on the other hand,
am all man.

249
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,507
You know,
I am thinning in the back.

250
00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:24,640
Nothing about you
is thinning in the back.

251
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:26,947
Alright!

252
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:28,513
I'm done talking about this.

253
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,124
Hey, it's not your fault.

254
00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:32,735
Fertility clearly
doesn't run in your family.

255
00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:34,563
Probably why
you're an only child.

256
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,347
Hey, don't talk bad
about my family.

257
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,045
The reason I'm an only child
is my parents

258
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:41,004
were horrible people
who hated each other.

259
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:44,225
There's nothing wrong with
having a strong feminine side.

260
00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:49,534
Might be easier to adopt if
they think you're both lesbians.

261
00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:53,582
I'll show you who's a lesbian.

262
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:57,934
[scoffs]
I knew I could goad that big
girl into making me a grandpa.

263
00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:03,679
♪ Once upon time
there was an engineer ♪

264
00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:07,291
♪ Choo Choo Charlie
was his name we hear ♪♪

265
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:08,684
Alright, I don't
care what you say.

266
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,947
I'm coming in
and we're gonna make a baby.

267
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:12,644
[screams]

268
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:17,127
You're about two minutes
too late for your wife

269
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:19,216
and about ten years
too late for me.

270
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,837
Oh, man.
That is embarrassing.

271
00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:32,186
Seeing your mother-in-law naked.

272
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,188
Horrible.

273
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:37,234
So, how'd she look
for a woman her age?

274
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,975
I didn't look.
She's my wife's mother.

275
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:40,934
Right, right, but just
putting that all aside

276
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:44,241
I mean, she's still doable,
right?

277
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:45,765
Carl, this conversation is over.

278
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:47,723
I understand.

279
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,203
Hmm.

280
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:51,814
So was she rinsing off
or soaping up?

281
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,120
Sorry, I've got
a naturally curious nature.

282
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:54,599
That's what makes me
such a good cop.

283
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:57,341
That's what makes you
such a weird freak.

284
00:12:57,428 --> 00:12:59,561
Thin blue line, my friend.

285
00:12:59,648 --> 00:13:03,870
Gentlemen. Ha ha.
Welcome to Andre's Big and Tall.

286
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:05,915
Are you here to take advantage
of our pre-Thanksgiving

287
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:09,440
suit sale?
Free alterations the day after.

288
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,399
- That's great.
- Absolutely.

289
00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:15,882
Our holiday motto is, "Too much
pie? We don't bat an eye."

290
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,667
- And he knows all the angles.
- Just a marketing genius.

291
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:20,712
Actually, Cousin Andre,
we're here because my friend

292
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,453
is ready to make the leap
from briefs to boxers.

293
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,021
Ah, are you looking for
a functional cotton blend

294
00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:27,197
or a silk pair that makes
a fashion statement?

295
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:29,069
Just looking for something
that keeps my pants

296
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:32,463
from making direct
contact with my ass.

297
00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:35,510
Practical and durable.
I'll go find a few options.

298
00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:38,600
By the way, fresh made
kettle corn right over there.

299
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,604
Ooh, kettle corn.

300
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,388
The man knows his clientele.

301
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:48,131
What if this doesn't work, Carl?

302
00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:51,874
Maybe I'm walking around
with a scrotum full of duds.

303
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,528
Look, there's a lot
of options out there.

304
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:56,487
There's in vitro,
there's artificial insemination.

305
00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:59,882
Oh, I don't know, putting some
stranger's sperm inside my wife?

306
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:03,190
She won't even rent
bowling shoes.

307
00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:05,322
Doesn't have
to be a complete stranger.

308
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,194
Could be a very close friend

309
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:08,499
who would only ask
for visitation rights

310
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:10,197
on holidays
and every other weekend.

311
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:11,851
That's very generous,
but it's never gonna happen.

312
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,156
Just think about it.

313
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:14,984
A little mocha combination
of me and Molly.

314
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:18,031
You know it's gonna be cute.

315
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:19,989
Can we go back to talking
about her mom in the shower?

316
00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:21,643
Alright.

317
00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:25,908
Alright, my free and easy
friend, I found several options

318
00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:28,389
in a cornucopia of styles
and patterns.

319
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:31,131
Alright. I got to try to wrap
my head around boxer shorts.

320
00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:32,697
I just sell them.

321
00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:34,221
Whatever you do with them
after you leave the store

322
00:14:34,308 --> 00:14:36,049
is none of my business.

323
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:38,529
Alright, now I have paisley

324
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:41,532
polka dot, hot peppers

325
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,099
and choo-choos.

326
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,754
Oh, I love the choo-choos!

327
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,148
Man, some of those
trains look actual size.

328
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:00,160
Finish what you're doing
and meet me upstairs.

329
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:03,250
I got a bag full
of baby-making ingredients.

330
00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:05,861
I got boxer shorts to regulate
my testes temperature

331
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,342
and keep my sperm motile.

332
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:12,041
I got Chinese herbs and a CD of
dolphins mating to set the mood.

333
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,695
Can't wait.

334
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,002
Also, Samuel gave me
an African fertility necklace

335
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:19,527
made from dried rhino penis.

336
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:22,443
You need anything else,
like maybe a live bat

337
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:25,837
or some chicken blood?

338
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,492
Let's see if the dry rhino penis
works before we start doing

339
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,277
anything crazy.

340
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,325
Pee-ew! Something smells
like dried rhino penis.

341
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:42,332
- 'Don't forget the wedge!'
- How could I forget the wedge?

342
00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:47,642
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

343
00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,557
Other than the fact that..

344
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:51,428
...I can't turn my back
without Mike humping me

345
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:54,083
like a chihuahua.

346
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:55,650
Just blast him
with a squirt gun

347
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:58,914
until he rolls over
onto his back.

348
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:00,568
Water's not gonna
slow him down.

349
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:03,092
He wanted to climb in the
shower with me this morning.

350
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:04,833
I'm not trying
to stir things up

351
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,488
but I think he tried
the same thing with mom.

352
00:16:11,927 --> 00:16:14,016
I think it's cute
that he's so excited

353
00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:15,757
about having a baby.

354
00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:18,847
I know, I just wish
he would relax a little.

355
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:22,111
Well, guys get pretty focused
when they have a project.

356
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:24,679
Especially when their project
involves their penis.

357
00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:29,640
It's.. You know, I miss
the good old days when our sex

358
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:33,383
wasn't scheduled and I wasn't
propped up on a ramp.

359
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:41,609
He'll calm down eventually. He's
just trying to give you a baby.

360
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:43,132
I know.

361
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,569
I wish I had a guy like that
to share my life with.

362
00:16:45,656 --> 00:16:48,659
Completely devoted
and ready to start a family.

363
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,270
Thought you loved your freedom.

364
00:16:50,357 --> 00:16:52,968
I mean, dating all the
different guys you want.

365
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,970
Sweetie, I'm just trying to find
someone who loves me

366
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,929
just as much as Mike loves you.

367
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:03,022
I know he loves me.
I-I just miss the romance.

368
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:06,242
Well, what could
be more romantic than a man

369
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:08,679
trying to give you
what he knows you want?

370
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:13,684
Yeah.
Thank you.

371
00:17:15,425 --> 00:17:17,514
Well, I got to get
back out there

372
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,908
because the guys with jobs
go home pretty early.

373
00:17:22,171 --> 00:17:23,825
Hey, ask for a picture ID

374
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:26,088
and-and check for
wedding ring tan lines.

375
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:27,611
Always do.

376
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,616
[Mike]
'Molly?'

377
00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:38,796
[sighs]

378
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:43,323
[dolphins squealing]

379
00:17:58,903 --> 00:18:02,037
- Oh, what is burning?
- Uh, I hope it's incense.

380
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,126
I found it in your sister's
room, but if I start to giggle

381
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:06,998
and try to order a pizza,
blow it out.

382
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:10,785
Alright, sit down for a second.
We need to talk.

383
00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:14,963
I-I love that you're so gung-ho
about having a baby.

384
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:16,443
Well, I know it's
taking a little longer

385
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,140
than you probably wanted,
but don't worry.

386
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,186
I will knock you up
or die trying.

387
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,797
Okay, that right there

388
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,016
is-is kind of
what I wanted to address.

389
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,106
- You know I love you, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

390
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,846
I wouldn't be busting
my hump like this for someone

391
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:31,110
who didn't love me.

392
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:34,243
I-I'm gonna love you,
no matter what happens.

393
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,289
I mean, if we make a baby,
if we don't make a baby.

394
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,334
- We're gonna make a baby.
- I know.

395
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:41,729
But I don't want us to lose
sight of what we already have

396
00:18:41,816 --> 00:18:44,514
which is wonderful,
whether we have a baby or not.

397
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:47,126
- We're having a baby.
- I know we are!

398
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,998
[sighs]
I just..

399
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:51,695
I want our baby
to be a labor of love

400
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:56,178
and not like we're putting
together an Adirondack chair.

401
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,919
Going a little overboard, huh?

402
00:18:58,006 --> 00:19:00,791
Is it the underpants or
the fertility necklace?

403
00:19:00,878 --> 00:19:03,968
The rhino penis necklace
freaks me out, yeah.

404
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:08,451
But the underpants
are pretty sexy.

405
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,671
Yeah, you like them? I got
them in chili pepper too.

406
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,716
Ooh, spicy.

407
00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:18,635
Oh, that smells really terrible.

408
00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,203
Well, it is dried rhino penis.

409
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:22,944
Yeah.

410
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:25,251
Pretty sure a fresh one
doesn't smell any better.

411
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,001
Oh, negative.

412
00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:39,178
Hey, no big deal.
It'll happen when it happens.

413
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:41,310
The important thing is
we're having fun trying.

414
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:44,226
Exactly. Not about the results,
it's about the process.

415
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:46,663
Which, in my opinion,
has been sweet, sexy goodness

416
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:48,187
big mama.

417
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:50,624
Oh.

418
00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:53,104
What is going
on back there?

419
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,977
Are you not wearing underwear?

420
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:58,458
I am not.

421
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:01,374
Taking a little break, letting
my fellas breathe free and easy.

422
00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:03,071
You're going full cowboy.

423
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:05,334
Oh, yeah, it's the Wild West.

424
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,510
No law, no order, just a
whole bunch of talcum powder.

425
00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:09,338
By the way,
we're out of talcum powder.

426
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:11,558
Yee-haw. Oh!

427
00:20:13,386 --> 00:20:16,432
♪ Choo Choo Charlie
was his name we hear ♪

428
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:20,001
♪ He had an engine
and and he sure had fun ♪

429
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:23,004
♪ Once upon a time
there was an engineer ♪

430
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,920
♪ Choo Choo Charlie
was his name we hear ♪

431
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:28,836
♪ He had an engine
and and he sure had fun ♪

432
00:20:28,923 --> 00:20:30,533
♪ He used good
and plenty candy ♪

433
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:32,100
♪ To make his train run ♪

434
00:20:32,187 --> 00:20:35,277
♪ Charlie says
love my good and plenty ♪

435
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:38,411
♪ Charlie says
really rings the bell ♪

436
00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:41,022
♪ Charlie says
love my good and plenty ♪

437
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:44,330
♪ Don't know any other candy
that I love so well ♪♪