1 00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:07,007 Come on, pick a lane, you jackass! 2 00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,486 Mike, why are you in such a hurry? 3 00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:10,010 We're having dinner at your mom's house. 4 00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,751 You should be trying to drive over nails. 5 00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:15,363 We can't be late now that my mom's dating my boss. 6 00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:18,061 If we're not there on time, it goes on my permanent record. 7 00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:19,758 Well, if it's gonna make you crazy 8 00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:21,630 why'd you accept the invitation in the first place? 9 00:00:21,717 --> 00:00:23,893 It wasn't an invitation. It was a direct order. 10 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,590 The captain walked into the locker room and said 11 00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:27,157 "Biggs, dinner at your mother's house. 12 00:00:27,244 --> 00:00:28,463 "Don't be late, and for God sakes 13 00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:30,682 cover your privates." 14 00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,032 He saw you naked? 15 00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,990 I just got out of the shower. 16 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,470 And you know I like to air dry. 17 00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,559 Only too well. 18 00:00:37,646 --> 00:00:39,430 You know, you could have just told him we had other plans. 19 00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,432 We do it with your mom all the time. 20 00:00:41,519 --> 00:00:44,044 In fact, isn't tonight our weekly tango lesson? 21 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,523 You know, we're gonna pay for that one day. 22 00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,438 When we least expect it, she's gonna put on 23 00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,658 a Samba record and say, "Show me what you got." 24 00:00:49,745 --> 00:00:52,878 It's the pedal on the right, you idiot! 25 00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,924 Mike, quit yelling at that woman. 26 00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:57,796 She's a poor, old lady with a handicapped sticker. 27 00:00:57,883 --> 00:00:59,668 Well, she got a pretty spry middle finger. 28 00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:02,323 Back at you, Witchy Poo! 29 00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:05,543 Look, do me a favor, just don't butt heads with my mom tonight. 30 00:01:05,630 --> 00:01:09,069 Hey, I have never been anything, but sweet to that.. 31 00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:12,420 ...let's just say woman. 32 00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:15,336 I'm sorry, but even Gandhi would take a swing at her. 33 00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:17,077 True, but for the next couple of hours 34 00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:19,166 just try to turn the other cheek. 35 00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:20,819 So, you want me to just sit there while she treats me 36 00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:23,909 like some loose whore that stole her son? 37 00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,781 That'd be nice, yeah. 38 00:01:25,868 --> 00:01:27,522 Oh, and tell her she looks pretty 39 00:01:27,609 --> 00:01:29,437 and how much you like her tuna noodle casserole. 40 00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:32,092 Oh, God, tuna noodle casserole again? 41 00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:33,832 It's her signature dish. 42 00:01:33,919 --> 00:01:35,617 Hey, maybe you could ask her for the recipe. 43 00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:37,488 Or I could just dig the can of Campbell's soup 44 00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:40,491 out of the garbage and read the back. 45 00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,145 - Molly. - Okay. 46 00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:44,016 I will be nice to your mother. 47 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,454 Sweet as pie. 48 00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:49,370 Hey, green means, go, you fossil! 49 00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:52,416 Yeah, I got a middle finger too! 50 00:01:52,503 --> 00:01:57,856 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 51 00:01:57,943 --> 00:02:01,295 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 52 00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:12,088 [instrumental music] 53 00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:15,613 Oh, your mother's a hell of a cook, Biggs. 54 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,180 If I'd been raised on this kind of grub 55 00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:20,792 I'd probably be a roly-poly too. 56 00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:23,665 I've actually lost another two pounds this month, sir. 57 00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:26,320 Well, hopefully those four helpings of casserole 58 00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:29,497 you had will keep the wind from blowing you away. 59 00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:32,761 - You know, captain-- - Molly, he's pulling my leg. 60 00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:36,765 - My big, fat leg. - Let me grab that from you. 61 00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:39,811 You've been slaving away in that hot kitchen all night. 62 00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:41,161 Thank you, Patty. 63 00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:43,641 I am a little tuckered especially after 64 00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:47,341 washing all those dishes and with no help from anyone. 65 00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:51,083 I believe I offered to lend a hand, Mother Biggs. 66 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,781 I'd just have to rewash 'em anyway. 67 00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:56,698 She's better with a credit card than she is with a sponge. 68 00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,439 Boy, she's a keeper, huh? 69 00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:01,181 Don't let that fish flop out of the boat. 70 00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:04,880 [barking] 71 00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:07,056 So, Margaret tells me that you young people 72 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:08,100 are trying to start a family. 73 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,537 Ah, that is correct, sir. 74 00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,452 We've eliminated all forms of birth control 75 00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:14,759 and we're fornicating on a regular basis. 76 00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:16,805 Wow, everybody needed to know that. 77 00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:19,286 Hey, you guys want to see my ovulation charts? 78 00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,940 [laughing] 79 00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:24,378 She's...she's kidding around. 80 00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,336 Anytime she says something that makes you uncomfortable 81 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:27,729 she's joking. 82 00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:31,167 That's me. Family clown. Honk. 83 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,433 When I first met her, I thought she was on drugs. 84 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,131 Jury's still out. 85 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,873 Well, I think family is the most important thing in the world. 86 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,658 As long as you can provide for them. 87 00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:46,965 - I agree, sir. We both do. - Sure. 88 00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:51,100 But it's not easy raising a family 89 00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:52,797 on a straight cop's salary. 90 00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:54,234 Especially when you've got hungry mouths to feed. 91 00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:55,931 Don't I know it. 92 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,499 Mike's dad walked the beat his entire career. 93 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:02,111 Meanwhile, we had a kid at home who was teething on ham bones. 94 00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:03,852 Come on, mom, don't exaggerate. 95 00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,375 Exaggerate nothing. 96 00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:07,116 I'd toss burritos in his playpen 97 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:10,467 so he wouldn't chew through the bars. 98 00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:14,254 Um, you might want to consider taking the detective test. 99 00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:16,168 It's an extra $20,000 a year. 100 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,128 Plus, we're always looking for some sharp, young men. 101 00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:22,044 - Twenty thousand dollars? - Sharp, young men? 102 00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:27,571 Twenty grand would buy you a lot of shoes, wouldn't it, queenie? 103 00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:30,792 Oh, Momma Biggs, I hope our children have plenty 104 00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:33,708 of time with you before you pass. 105 00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:41,846 Anyway...something to think about. 106 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:45,154 - Yes, sir. - Whoa. 107 00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,504 This pooch is breaking wind something fierce. 108 00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:50,377 - I better take him for a walk. - Thanks, Patty. 109 00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,683 Since I switched him from the dry to the moist 110 00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:55,860 he's been tootin' the brown whistle. 111 00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:57,209 Put your coat on, Biggs. 112 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,951 - You're on doody duty. - Yes, sir. 113 00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,866 Be good training for a detective. 114 00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,826 Learn how to bag the evidence. 115 00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:07,263 Oh, Patty, you're a stitch! 116 00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,963 Your boyfriend has a gun, my husband has a gun. 117 00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:14,314 How do you want to play this? 118 00:05:17,752 --> 00:05:20,407 Thanks for putting up with my mom tonight. 119 00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:24,324 It's alright, I'm sure the bite marks on my tongue will heal. 120 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,804 How about when they both came at me to take the detective test? 121 00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:29,198 Crazy, right? I'm not detective material. 122 00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:32,767 Well, clearly your captain sees something in you that you don't. 123 00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:36,161 My captain's sweet on my mom. He sees things nobody sees. 124 00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:40,340 Mike, you are a great cop and a smart guy. 125 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:43,168 Plus, an extra $20,000 a year would come in handy. 126 00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:45,606 Do you know what I'd have to do in exchange for that money? 127 00:05:45,693 --> 00:05:48,565 - Detective stuff? - Exactly. 128 00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:50,524 Plus, they'd make me wear a suit 129 00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:54,223 and tying that tie's gonna add 30 extra minutes to my day. 130 00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,617 Well, I think you'd make a great detective. 131 00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,314 Remember when somebody stole your ice cream sandwich 132 00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,316 from the freezer, and you figured out it was Victoria? 133 00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,709 Yeah, that was easy. 134 00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,537 Your mother doesn't eat, Vince wasn't home 135 00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:06,583 and there was chocolate around the rim of Victoria's bong. 136 00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,846 Case closed. 137 00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:10,370 You know, her big blunder was trying 138 00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,023 to hide the wrapper under the couch cushion. 139 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:15,113 But some savvy sleuth knew to look there, didn't he? 140 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,378 Well, the key is to get inside the criminal's mind. 141 00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:19,944 Think like they think. 142 00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:22,643 And that's where I hide my wrappers. 143 00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:28,213 [instrumental music] 144 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,566 The detective test? 145 00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:33,915 Just because you found an ice cream wrapper 146 00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,526 under a couch cushion? 147 00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:38,789 The Chicago PD doesn't just guard Dairy Queens. 148 00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:44,360 It's just one example of my powers of deduction. 149 00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:45,970 Well, as your best friend, I have to tell you 150 00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:47,929 you're not cut out to be a detective. 151 00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,234 Really, well, who was the one who found 152 00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:50,845 that old lady's cat the other day? 153 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:52,847 Oh, come on. That cat wasn't missing at all. 154 00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:56,416 It was hiding under that batty bitch's housecoat. 155 00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,374 Yeah, but who thought to look there? 156 00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:01,116 Nobody in 50 years. 157 00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,291 And just because you heard a meow 158 00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,684 and saw a little tail flapping 159 00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:06,034 that doesn't mean you're Sherlock Holmes. 160 00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:08,166 Clearly, the captain doesn't share your opinion 161 00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:10,995 because he's the one who suggested that I take the test. 162 00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:12,736 And there it is. 163 00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:15,086 Your future stepfather is gonna pull some strings 164 00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:19,003 and push your big ass up the corporate ladder. 165 00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:20,701 Well, it doesn't take a detective to figure out 166 00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,529 that somebody at this table is a little jealous. 167 00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,008 I'm not jealous of you at all. 168 00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:25,880 And if anyone at this table should be a detective 169 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,098 it should be me. 170 00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:28,273 Samuel, come here. 171 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,494 Come on, Carl, let it go. 172 00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:34,715 And what is the topic of today's pissy bitch fit? 173 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,023 Let's say you were brutally murdered. 174 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:41,286 Shot in the head, then dragged into the walk-in freezer 175 00:07:41,373 --> 00:07:45,116 only to be found days later, bloated and frostbitten. 176 00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:48,206 Did I forget your hash browns again? 177 00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:51,645 - 'Cause you can just tell me. - Leave me out of this. 178 00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:53,516 Of the two of us, which one would you want 179 00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:56,388 investigating your heinous and senseless murder, him or me? 180 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,652 You two are my only choices? 181 00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:02,656 Okay, well, between the two of you 182 00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:06,224 I'd have to pick...my ghost. 183 00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:10,490 You can't do that because your ghost was a witness 184 00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:12,666 and would have seen the whole thing. 185 00:08:12,753 --> 00:08:14,842 Didn't think of that, did you? 186 00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:19,760 You got me there, Scooby-Doo. 187 00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:21,979 Well, thanks for this fun game of clue 188 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,504 Colonel Mustard-On-His-Shirt and Professor Plum Nuts. 189 00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:29,509 You see, what would make his murder a tough case 190 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:31,859 is that everybody who eats here has a motive. 191 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,301 I understand that you're upset, Mr. Mayor. 192 00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:41,521 Trust me, we've got our best forensics team 193 00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,610 analyzing the samples. 194 00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,655 As soon as we get the results 195 00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:48,528 we'll be able to narrow in on the perpetrator. 196 00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:49,833 Yes, sir. 197 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,183 Number one priority, Mr. Mayor. 198 00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:54,011 Everything alright, sir? 199 00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:57,537 Some neighborhood canine has been leaving horse-size piles 200 00:08:57,624 --> 00:09:00,757 in front of the mayor's brownstone. 201 00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:02,063 And he makes you deal with it? 202 00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:03,673 Well, Biggs, with great power 203 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,329 comes ridiculous responsibilities. 204 00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,026 So, what can I do for you? 205 00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:10,854 I thought about what you said and I'm thinking about 206 00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,726 giving that detective test a shot. 207 00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:14,554 Glad to hear it, your mother will be very pleased. 208 00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:15,772 And so you know, I plan on passing 209 00:09:15,859 --> 00:09:17,295 this thing fair and square. 210 00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:19,123 You don't have to offer me any special favors 211 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:21,256 unless that's how it works and then, I'm no snitch. 212 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:34,748 If you are insinuating that my relationship with your mother 213 00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:37,577 would give you a leg up, you are very much mistaken, sir! 214 00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:41,102 - I didn't mean to imply-- - There'll be no special favors. 215 00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:43,060 'In fact, quite the contrary.' 216 00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:46,063 Because of your proximity to me 217 00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:48,675 the detective review board will be riding you 218 00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:51,808 tighter than your pants! 219 00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:53,941 So not even a glimpse of the sample test 220 00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,986 or a little extra time in case I get stuck? 221 00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:58,162 No, siree, Bob. 222 00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,860 As a matter of fact, there will probably be 223 00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:03,037 a special proctor breathing down your neck the whole time. 224 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:06,127 Proctor? That doesn't sound good. 225 00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:07,302 Is that word gonna be on the test? 226 00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:08,956 You're gonna have to hunker down 227 00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:11,741 and win this job on your own merits. 228 00:10:11,828 --> 00:10:13,787 On my own merits, huh? Good, good. 229 00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,703 That always works out well. 230 00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:20,141 Geez, it's, uh, warm in here, or is it just me? 231 00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:24,624 I think it's warm in here becauseof you. 232 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:32,501 This makes no sense at all. 233 00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:35,504 Is this even the English edition? 234 00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,419 Sweetie, it's late. Let's go up to bed. 235 00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:38,812 I'll be up in a little while. 236 00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:42,511 I still got to read a couple chapters. 237 00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:45,514 You know, if you get this job, it's gonna speed up 238 00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,082 the timetable for us moving out. 239 00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:50,214 Let's hope for the best. That's all we can do. 240 00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,739 Yeah, I know, I'm just saying, we could get a house 241 00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,958 start a college fund for the kids.. 242 00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:56,220 Let's not get ahead of ourselves. 243 00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:59,702 Our kids might be real idiots. 244 00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:00,790 Are you kidding? 245 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,444 A schoolteacher and a detective? 246 00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:03,967 We're probably talking medical school. 247 00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,666 Medical school? How about chiropractors? 248 00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,973 I think you can do that online. 249 00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,976 Want to, uh, head upstairs and start working 250 00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:16,153 on our first little scholar? 251 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,852 No, I should probably keep my nose to the grindstone. 252 00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:22,159 Or...you could come up to the bedroom 253 00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:25,032 and work on your undercover investigation skills. 254 00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:30,167 N-no. Molly, come on, I need to study. 255 00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:31,952 I'll let you dust me for prints when we're done. 256 00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,781 Alright, lady! 257 00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:36,478 I'm going down to the basement and study. 258 00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:38,219 I can't be a detective and a love machine. 259 00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:40,569 I can't do it! I'm just one man! 260 00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:45,356 I only need the love machine for ten minutes! 261 00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,717 Hey, sweetie, am I gonna see you tonight? 262 00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:00,110 No, I got to hit the library right after work. 263 00:12:00,197 --> 00:12:02,330 You've been at the library every night this week. 264 00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:03,766 I rarely get to see you anymore. 265 00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:04,854 Well, if I'm gonna be a detective 266 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:06,377 I'm gonna have to study. 267 00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:08,379 I know that. I just miss my husband. 268 00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,642 Molly, if I'm gonna pass this thing, I got to study 269 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:14,342 and I need all my blood up here. 270 00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:16,866 Well, I wouldn't mind you sending a little down south. 271 00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,563 If you know what I mean. 272 00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:19,826 Look, I told you last night was a fluke. 273 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,088 I was tired, I had a heavy meal. 274 00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,698 I got a lot of things on my mind. 275 00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:24,395 Plus, it doesn't just pop out like a light saber 276 00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:27,747 every time you say, "Obi-Wan Kenobi." 277 00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,184 - Now, where the hell is Carl? - I'm in the kitchen. 278 00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,231 How did you not know that, detective? 279 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,800 [instrumental music] 280 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,681 Boy, you really been hitting the books hard lately. 281 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,031 Yeah. 282 00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:53,555 Good to know you can hit something hard. 283 00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:56,210 - What? - Nothing. 284 00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,560 Sorry. I'll let you bone up. 285 00:13:00,518 --> 00:13:01,606 'Cause I'm guessing the competition's 286 00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:03,695 gonna be pretty stiff. 287 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,002 - You done? - Let's see. Hard. Bone up. 288 00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:09,266 Stiff. Yep, I'm done. 289 00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,051 I got a lot on my mind right now. 290 00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:13,053 I understand, and it's common for men 291 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:14,576 in high-pressure situations to suffer 292 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:15,707 from erectile dysfunction. 293 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,319 I don't have erectile dysfunction! 294 00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:20,495 I get it. Your penis is prioritizing. 295 00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:24,325 It's taking a little break. You know, pause for the cause. 296 00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:25,979 - Your junk is on a junket. - Carl! 297 00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:27,632 Mm. 298 00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,462 You know, even if you make detective 299 00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:33,116 the pressure's just gonna get worse. 300 00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:35,336 I'm just trying to better myself, okay? 301 00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,207 Provide for my wife and future children. 302 00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,340 No, that's beautiful, and with the added salary 303 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:40,689 you'll have plenty of money for boner pills. 304 00:13:40,776 --> 00:13:43,344 Alright, we're done talking! 305 00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:45,172 Or you can get one of those new penile implants. 306 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:46,521 They're high-tech now. 307 00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:48,871 You can inflate 'em like a bicycle tire. 308 00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,786 Can't pump it up at the gas station though. 309 00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,788 I mean, you can, but I wouldn't. 310 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,056 - 'Hey.' - Hey, honey. 311 00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:01,579 - Dinner's almost ready. - Not hungry. 312 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:02,842 Going down to the basement to study. 313 00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:03,886 Mike, you've got to give yourself 314 00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:05,279 a break once in a while. 315 00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,063 I'm starting to forget what you look like. 316 00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,369 If you're having trouble with that, there are four 317 00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:10,545 distinctive features on the human face. 318 00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:13,765 Head shape, eye color, hair color and.. 319 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,116 Damn it, I just a read that! 320 00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,728 I'll bring you down a sandwich later! 321 00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,469 [Mike] 'Scars or tattoos!' 322 00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:25,212 'Head shape, eye color, hair color, scars or tattoos!' 323 00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:28,128 Love you! Your hard work is gonna pay off! 324 00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,043 I believe in you! 325 00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:32,349 That poor son of a bitch is falling apart. 326 00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,484 Yeah, he seems very distracted. 327 00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,138 It's probably not the best time to remind him 328 00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:39,617 to put the toilet seat down. 329 00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:41,358 Oh, is he back to that? 330 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,056 I guess the new knowledge 331 00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:46,189 pushed the old knowledge out of his head. 332 00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:48,757 Well, all I know is, last night I splashed down 333 00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:50,846 like Apollo 11. 334 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:57,505 You know, mom, some people actually look at things 335 00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,550 before they sit on them. 336 00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,901 Where's the fun in that? 337 00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:07,602 Mike? Sweetie? 338 00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:12,912 He's tuckered out from thinking too hard. 339 00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:17,481 - I made you a sandwich. - Uh, what's going on? 340 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:20,006 Nothing, just thought you might be hungry. 341 00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:23,357 I can't eat. My stomach's in knots. 342 00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:26,142 Listen, if this test is too much for you 343 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:27,535 you don't have to do it. 344 00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:29,276 I am perfectly happy to be married 345 00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:31,321 to the best beat cop in Chicago. 346 00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:32,627 Well, what about the money? 347 00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:34,324 And we're trying to get our own house 348 00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:36,631 and we want to have a kid, and you're probably gonna 349 00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:39,808 make him go to college. 350 00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,897 Well, none of that is important. 351 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,595 Especially if it's gonna make you miserable. 352 00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:46,684 I don't know if I can do this, Molly. 353 00:15:46,771 --> 00:15:49,122 I'm reading all this stuff and none of it's sinking in. 354 00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:51,124 Honey, you have worked with detectives for years. 355 00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:52,952 I'll bet you know more than you think you do. 356 00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:54,605 I really don't work with them. 357 00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:56,520 They just tell us guys in uniform to back off 358 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:59,523 don't step on anything and keep the crowd away. 359 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,134 Well, you can do that. 360 00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:03,484 Yeah, I can do that, but the book says we're supposed 361 00:16:03,571 --> 00:16:06,313 to secure the perimeter, establish a chain of command 362 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,229 and preserve the integrity of the crime scene. 363 00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:12,580 You mean, tell the regular cops to back off 364 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,539 don't step on anything, keep the crowds away? 365 00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,283 Wait, it's the same thing, isn't it? 366 00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:23,460 That's what I'm hearing. 367 00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:25,767 So maybe if I just take what I already know and-- 368 00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:28,074 Just apply all this technical jargon 369 00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:29,771 that you've been reading, and.. 370 00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:32,078 ...bim-bam-boom, you're a detective. 371 00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:36,821 - It can't be that simple. - Well, hmm, let's see. 372 00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:39,563 Describe one of the last calls you were on. 373 00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:42,349 Uh, an old lady lost her cat and I found it 374 00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,786 hiding under her housecoat. 375 00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:50,226 Wow, that's tax dollars well spent. 376 00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:53,708 Um...okay, now-now describe it to me 377 00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:55,579 how a detective would. 378 00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,451 Um.. 379 00:16:57,538 --> 00:17:00,149 ...after weighing the circumstantial evidence 380 00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:02,847 I ascertained that the victim's feline property 381 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:06,025 was located on her person. 382 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:09,811 - Hello, Johnny Law! - Son of a gun! 383 00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:12,466 It's just making stupid stuff sound smart! 384 00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:15,425 That's how the world goes round. 385 00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,253 - Thanks, sweetie. - Well, I'll be upstairs. 386 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:18,298 Lemme know if you need anything. 387 00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:19,690 I'll be fine. 388 00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,214 Hey, uh, did you know there's a full bathroom 389 00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:23,390 and shower down here? 390 00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:26,175 I may have mentioned that to you a couple of times. 391 00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:30,310 Just-just keep studying. 392 00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:33,835 [chuckles] And me down here peeing in an empty bleach bottle. 393 00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:40,102 Oh, a pickle. 394 00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:50,199 - Seventy-six percent! - You passed! 395 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:51,592 Yeah, by two points. 396 00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:54,725 I actually could have missed another question. 397 00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,162 So are you a detective now? 398 00:17:56,249 --> 00:17:58,164 Well, there were only two vacancies 399 00:17:58,251 --> 00:17:59,252 and a lot of guys took the test. 400 00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:02,385 I am, however, 112th on the list. 401 00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:06,302 Take that, 113! 402 00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:08,261 I'm thinking by the time our kids start school 403 00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:10,567 I'll be Detective Michael Biggs. 404 00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:14,354 I am so proud of you. You rose to the challenge! 405 00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,312 Ah, speaking of which.. 406 00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:19,272 Oh. It's back. 407 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:20,795 As soon as I got my score, he was the first 408 00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:22,318 to congratulate me. 409 00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:23,972 I'm gonna go upstairs and hide! 410 00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:27,193 You count to 20 and then try to find me, detective! 411 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,195 One, two, three.. 412 00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:32,154 This is gonna be easy, I'm working with a divining rod. 413 00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:34,852 Four, five, six.. 414 00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:41,207 [theme music]