1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:03,481
[instrumental
"Joy To The World"]

2
00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:07,659
Alright, I got Vince a bottle
of that bug spray

3
00:00:07,746 --> 00:00:09,966
he calls cologne and mom a set
of crystal wine glasses.

4
00:00:10,053 --> 00:00:12,490
I don't know why you blow money
on expensive wine glasses.

5
00:00:12,577 --> 00:00:15,667
I've seen her drink Chardonnay
out of a cereal bowl.

6
00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:17,756
I've seen her suck it off
a blouse she spilled it on

7
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:20,150
but those glasses
are more for guests.

8
00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:21,934
Does this mean
we're done shopping?

9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,198
'Cause if I hear the Chipmunks
sing another Christmas song

10
00:00:24,285 --> 00:00:26,896
I'm setting myself on fire.

11
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,898
I'm almost done.

12
00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:31,248
I still have to get something
for Carl, Samuel and Kevin.

13
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:32,902
- Who's Kevin?
- Our mailman.

14
00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:34,338
You call the mailman Kevin?

15
00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:36,079
That's his name.
What do you call him?

16
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:38,212
I call him the jerk who stole
my "Sports Illustrated"

17
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,040
swimsuit edition.

18
00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:41,519
He doesn't steal any of my mail

19
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,478
because I buy him
a nice Christmas gift.

20
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:45,610
Well, we shouldn't
have to bribe civil servants

21
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,438
to get them to do their jobs.

22
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,832
Said the police officer
who accepts a free meal

23
00:00:49,919 --> 00:00:51,442
at every restaurant he eats at.

24
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,096
I keep the city safe.

25
00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:56,882
I shouldn't get a free patty
melt once in a while?

26
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:58,319
Merry Christmas.

27
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:01,235
And Merry Christmas to you...
Debbie.

28
00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:03,237
I'm just saying, friends
and family are one thing

29
00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:06,718
but let Santa cover the meter
readers and the UPS guy.

30
00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:10,113
I know, but it's Christmas.
Don't be such a grumpy Grinch.

31
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,463
I'm sorry, ma'am,
your card's been declined.

32
00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:15,553
Oh, I don't,
I don't think it is, Debbie.

33
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,252
I just used it at Brookstone
and Williams-Sonoma.

34
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:21,342
Maybe just rub it on your shirt
and give it another swipe.

35
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,866
I mean, I know it's the credit
card company just being

36
00:01:23,953 --> 00:01:26,303
overly cautious,
and I know it's to protect me

37
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:29,001
but it's kind of a pain
in the rump, right?

38
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,829
Declined.

39
00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,963
- Did you pay the bill?
- Of course, I paid the bill.

40
00:01:34,050 --> 00:01:35,617
No biggie, no biggie.

41
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:39,490
Plenty of,
plenty of other cards.

42
00:01:39,577 --> 00:01:42,537
If you could just
spread that over those three

43
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we'll be right as rain.

44
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:47,107
I don't think
I'm allowed to do that.

45
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:50,980
Oh, they don't give those
name tags to cowards, Debbie.

46
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,027
Molly, there's a lot
of people waiting.

47
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,161
I know.
I feel their horrible stares.

48
00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:01,208
Happy holidays, everyone.
Just be a...a sec.

49
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:02,687
[whispers]
Give me you credit card.

50
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,733
So, all your cards
are maxed out?

51
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:08,040
Mike, you are embarrassing me.

52
00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:12,784
Here you go, Debbie.

53
00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:16,048
- Thank you for your patience.
- Don't get too friendly.

54
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,964
We're not buying her
a Christmas present.

55
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:24,318
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

56
00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:27,756
♪ I see love ♪♪

57
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:38,810
♪ I wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

58
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:41,291
♪ I wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

59
00:02:41,378 --> 00:02:44,120
♪ I wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

60
00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:47,428
♪ And some happy new hair ♪♪

61
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,998
Oh, my God.
It's a miracle.

62
00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:55,610
It's a Christmas miracle.

63
00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:57,220
My gift to you, doll.

64
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,004
You get to bang
a complete stranger

65
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:01,920
without actually banging
a complete stranger.

66
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:04,706
Oh, if I'd known you were
going get me new hair

67
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,838
I would have gotten you
new boobs.

68
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,405
Is it people hair?

69
00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:10,320
'Cause sometimes
they make them out of dog fur

70
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,453
or they shave a monkey.

71
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:15,630
No, I sprang for actual human
hair from Kuala Lumpur.

72
00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:18,720
They get it from convicts
and dead transients.

73
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:19,938
It's not a big deal.

74
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:21,505
I'll just call
the credit card company

75
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,855
and tell them to raise my limit.
I do it all the time.

76
00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:26,597
That's not a solution, you're
just extending the problem.

77
00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,208
Oh, God, can we talk
about this later?

78
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,427
It is Christmas.
The season of giving.

79
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,951
Speaking of which, I'd love that
300 bucks I gave you last week.

80
00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:36,433
Am I the only one that knows
how to celebrate the holidays?

81
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,130
When did Vince get hair?

82
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,742
[Molly]
'I don't know.
I was gonna ask you.'

83
00:03:40,829 --> 00:03:43,005
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

84
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:46,313
Pet, don't pull.

85
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,837
[instrumental music]

86
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:55,017
I want a Lala Loopsie,
Littlest Pet Shop, Lego Friends

87
00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:57,411
a ballerina skirt, hula hoop..

88
00:03:57,498 --> 00:04:00,240
Hang on, little lady.
Now, that's quite a list.

89
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:02,590
Why don't you just pick
the one you want the most?

90
00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:04,331
I want them all.

91
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:06,768
Yes, but somebody's got
to pay for all those toys

92
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,291
and you don't want
your mommy and daddy

93
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:10,772
to be over-extended
on their credit card.

94
00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:12,513
[laughing]

95
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,385
Here you go, princess.
And don't worry about Santa.

96
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:18,127
He ain't been right since
Blitzen kicked him in the head.

97
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:20,477
Happy holidays.

98
00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:22,305
Man, these kids
came here for toys

99
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:25,177
not financial advice from
a fat guy in a fake beard.

100
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,223
Hey, if Molly had run into
a straight-talking Santa

101
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,181
when she was a kid,
money wouldn't shoot through her

102
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,966
like poop through
a Christmas goose.

103
00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:32,620
Man, watch your language.

104
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:35,100
This is Christmas Tree Lane,
not Potty-Mouth Road.

105
00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:38,669
- Oh, captain.
- Captain.

106
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:39,844
Stay in character, boys.

107
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:40,932
The kids are eye-balling you.

108
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:43,935
Aye-aye, captain.

109
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:46,677
Uh, Santa,
can I have a word with you?

110
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:48,940
Okay.

111
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,683
I'm not sitting
on your lap, Biggs.

112
00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:54,119
Oh, of course not, sir.

113
00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,731
And don't worry, kids,
Santa's not under arrest.

114
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:59,995
We're just comparing our
naughty or nice lists.

115
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:03,215
So remember to keep your noses
clean and don't do crack.

116
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,131
- Right, captain?
- Right.

117
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:08,351
I'm surprised the other elves
haven't beaten him to death

118
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:11,180
with their tiny hammers.

119
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,661
Yeah, but the kids love him,
and every half hour

120
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,140
he break-dances for them.

121
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:17,926
Oh, I'm sorry I'm going
to have to miss that.

122
00:05:18,013 --> 00:05:20,450
Anyway, Biggs, I wanted to talk
to you about your mother.

123
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,365
Uh, everything good
between you two, I hope.

124
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:25,586
Oh, never better. I just wanted
to discuss her Christmas gift.

125
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:27,588
Well, she loves those
slipper-robe sets

126
00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:30,199
but you can't go wrong
with a nutty cheese log.

127
00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:31,983
Actually, her one
request this year

128
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:34,377
was to spend Christmas
with her only child.

129
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:35,770
Oh, I'm definitely
stopping by.

130
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:37,337
I got to give her
her slippers, her robe

131
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,035
and her nutty cheese log.

132
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:42,429
Actually, you'll be there
all Christmas Eve

133
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:45,606
and waking up there Christmas
morning, like you used to.

134
00:05:45,693 --> 00:05:48,696
I'd love to, sir,
but I'm married now

135
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:50,262
and, you know,
in order to stay that way

136
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,438
I kind of do what I'm told.

137
00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:54,223
We'll expect you
at 8 o'clock sharp.

138
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:55,877
And I'm sure
once your better half

139
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:57,705
sees the happy look
on your mother's face

140
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,315
she'll be glad you did it.

141
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:01,883
Yeah, that's one way
it could go.

142
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,016
[hip-hop music]

143
00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:07,149
♪ O holy night ♪

144
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,369
♪ The stars
are brightly shining ♪

145
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:12,372
♪ It's the night
of our dear savior's birth ♪

146
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,591
♪ Savior's birth ♪

147
00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:16,332
♪ Long lay the world ♪♪ In sin ♪

148
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,421
♪ In sin and error pining ♪

149
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:21,424
♪ Till He appeared
and the soul felt its worth ♪

150
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,165
♪ Soul felt its worth.. ♪

151
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,472
You know, there was a time
when they were pretty picky

152
00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:29,040
about who they let
into the academy.

153
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:33,131
♪ For yonder breaks
a new and glorious morn.. ♪♪

154
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:36,744
Your sister is going
to love this baby.

155
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:39,050
This is the Lyric King 9000.

156
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,270
It's got a built-in
500-gigabyte hard drive

157
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:43,881
on-screen song selection
and a four channel

158
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,056
wireless microphone,
in case Victoria

159
00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:46,623
wants to work the crowd.

160
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:48,103
Oh, if there's a crowd,
she'll work it.

161
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:50,932
And if there's not,
she'll draw one.

162
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:53,369
And it's got auto-tune.

163
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,763
[robotic tone]
So you can get funk-kay.

164
00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:57,329
[laughs]
Cool!

165
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,680
And I still get your employee
discount, right?

166
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:03,292
30%. And this is a floor model,
so another 20.

167
00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:04,902
That's half off, and Mike says..

168
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:07,731
[robotic tone]
I'm not fru-gal.

169
00:07:07,818 --> 00:07:09,254
Does it play
Christmas songs?

170
00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:11,256
In English and Korean.

171
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:13,694
[music starts]

172
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:17,132
[singing "Jingle Bell Rock"
in Korean]

173
00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:23,747
Sold. Sold.

174
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:26,141
Now, I gotta get this wrapped up
and under the tree.

175
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,404
You don't want to hear me
sing "Frosty The Noonsaram?"

176
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:30,101
I don't.

177
00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:33,844
If you could
reimburse me now

178
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,759
I can finish my Christmas
shopping tonight.

179
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:38,153
Oh, you know, Mike's actually
taking care of the checkbook

180
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,069
now, so can this wait
until he's asleep?

181
00:07:41,156 --> 00:07:43,419
Actually, I need the money now.
You know, holidays and all.

182
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:46,378
Well, it's a good lesson
for you about budgeting, hmm?

183
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:51,166
You got to settle on a number
and stick to it.

184
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:54,343
- Hey, Mol. Hey, Larry.
- Actually, I'm Harry.

185
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,606
Whoa, I don't need to know
your life story, dude.

186
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,565
Wax it if it's getting bushy.

187
00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:05,702
Wow, she remembered my whole
name except the first letter.

188
00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:07,225
Just give me half
of what you owe me

189
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,227
and we'll say the karaoke
machine's from both of us.

190
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,142
No, I bought it for her.

191
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:13,362
Not yet you haven't.

192
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:16,234
[sighs]
Fine, but you're
helping me wrap it.

193
00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:18,585
And it's gonna say, from Molly
and Harry, not Harry and Molly.

194
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:25,461
Could you write Larry on it,
so she knows it's from me?

195
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:28,551
I can't believe how much younger
you look in this thing.

196
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,554
We should go out and get you
a pair of skinny jeans.

197
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,600
Joyce, the top of my head
might be different

198
00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:36,037
but everything in my pants
is still the same.

199
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:38,996
Should we go upstairs and see
if the rug matches the drapes?

200
00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:43,610
It does. I dyed my chest hair
and plucked out the grey pubes.

201
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:47,048
Oh, that's why the sink looked
like an old spider exploded.

202
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:49,311
Alright, who wants
a hot Gingerbread Man?

203
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:51,356
I already got one right here.

204
00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:54,359
What would you think if I grow
a mustache or a soul patch?

205
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,840
Ooh, or maybe mutton chops.

206
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:58,929
Or you could just
comb your back hair

207
00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:02,019
over your whole face
and hang beads from it.

208
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,847
You're just jealous
'cause I got a new

209
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,457
sexy young lover.

210
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,895
Guilty. Alright,
as soon as Mike comes home

211
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:10,680
we're going make eggnog
and sing Christmas carols.

212
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,595
And we get to open
one present, right?

213
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:16,207
Two, if the first ones are
batteries or an A/C adapter.

214
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:18,383
Who needs batteries when
you've got this strapping young

215
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,863
buck in the house?

216
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:23,388
Mom, you're making me
sick on Christmas.

217
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:26,000
And we'll watch "Rudolph"
and "It's a Wonderful Life"

218
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:29,090
which I purchased on DVD,
don't tell Mike.

219
00:09:29,177 --> 00:09:31,309
And then Christmas morning,
it's hot cider and cocoa

220
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,616
while we open the presents
Santa brought us.

221
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:35,923
- Santa?
- Bup, bup, bup.

222
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,233
Hey, Merry Christmas, sweetie.

223
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,758
How was your day?

224
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:48,239
Wow, the tree looks beautiful.

225
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,154
You can't go wrong
with a Douglas fir, huh?

226
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:52,417
A little more expensive, but
if you're going to kill a tree

227
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:53,680
you might as well
kill a good one.

228
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,290
You ready for some eggnog?

229
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,944
I think, of the two of us,
you're the one that's going

230
00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:59,511
to need a drink.

231
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,340
And Heavenly Father,
thank you for bringing

232
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:05,387
Mikey back home to celebrate
Your son's birthday.

233
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:07,824
I don't get to see
him much anymore..

234
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:11,698
Mike, not Jesus, who I see
every day in my heart..

235
00:10:11,785 --> 00:10:15,092
...but if you can go without
seeing your boy for 33 years

236
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:19,183
then I can certainly survive
three lonely Christmases

237
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:22,317
in this cold, empty house.

238
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:26,408
[whispering]
Happy holidays, sweetie.

239
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:36,505
And Lord,
bless that nasty Chinaman

240
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:39,029
that lives across the street.

241
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,379
Even though I don't like him,
and he doesn't believe in You

242
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:44,556
and probably eats his pets.

243
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,471
But he did help
build the railroads

244
00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:48,212
and he is still
one of Your children

245
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:50,737
made in Your image,
blah-blah-blah. Amen.

246
00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:52,390
- Amen!
- Amen.

247
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:56,394
Now, do we eat?
You pray, then you eat, right?

248
00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:57,744
Boy, you're in for a treat.

249
00:10:57,831 --> 00:10:59,876
Mom makes a great
Christmas spread.

250
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,878
I got a beautiful
honey-baked ham

251
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,880
scalloped potatoes,
homemade green beans

252
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,534
and German chocolate cake.

253
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,797
Oh, so my prayers were answered.

254
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:10,017
[laughs]

255
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:12,454
And we will enjoy it
right after mass.

256
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,151
Mass what?

257
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:16,284
Christmas mass.

258
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:17,894
Mikey and I used
to go every year

259
00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:22,203
until you pushed your way
into the family photo.

260
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:25,162
Well, if that's something you
two enjoy sharing together

261
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:29,471
I'm fine to just stay here
with Jim and the ham.

262
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:32,082
We'll go as a family.
You're coming too.

263
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,562
'Patty, would you mind
warming up the car'

264
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,433
'while I go put on
my Christmas frock?'

265
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,306
Absolutely.
Your toasty chariot will await.

266
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:40,438
Want to look nice for the Lord.

267
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:43,398
Guess these two thought
we were going to pick fruit.

268
00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:46,096
This was all kind of
sprung on me last-minute.

269
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:48,229
Why do I try?

270
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:50,927
I'll honk twice when
I've got the windows de-iced.

271
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:54,583
And Biggs, help my Christmas
angel down the sidewalk.

272
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:57,455
- Who?
- Your mother.

273
00:11:57,542 --> 00:12:01,242
She falls and breaks a hip,
you are on airport commode duty

274
00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:03,026
checking the stalls
for sodomites.

275
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:05,072
Yipes.

276
00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:07,857
I'll get her to the car
safe and sound, sir.

277
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:11,861
This is crazy. Who the hell goes
to church on Christmas Eve?

278
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:13,471
Those services last forever.

279
00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:16,736
I should probably bring
a pocketful of ham.

280
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,868
You get the ham,
I'll keep a lookout.

281
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:27,790
♪ ...be forgot for
the sake of auld lang syne.. ♪♪

282
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:30,750
[sobs]

283
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:34,275
Damn it! Every year,
I try not to cry

284
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:37,539
but as soon as George Bailey
finds Zeppo's petals

285
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:40,150
I'm a blubbering mess!

286
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:43,110
Aw, you're a big softie.

287
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:44,894
Bet I can firm it up for you.

288
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:48,245
Joyce, lay off! I'm an emotional
wreck right now!

289
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:49,812
[doorbell rings]

290
00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:53,337
Sounds like another angel
just got his wings!

291
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,951
Damn it, I'm a big girl!

292
00:12:58,038 --> 00:13:00,344
I should put barrettes
in this wig.

293
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:05,610
- Hey, Jerry.
- You can call me Larry.

294
00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:08,396
Say, is Molly around?

295
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:11,355
No, she and Mike are spending
the night at his mom's.

296
00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:14,576
Very convenient.

297
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,708
Did she happen to leave
a check or an envelope of money

298
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,060
with my name on it,
or for a guy named Harry?

299
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:21,757
Tell me you didn't
loan her money

300
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,628
'cause there's a couple of
people and a few credit card

301
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,630
companies in front of you.

302
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:28,111
I'm sorry to have to do this,
but your sister breached

303
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:30,418
our verbal agreement,
and there is only one way

304
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:33,029
to rectify the situation.

305
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,945
Victoria, Merry Christmas.

306
00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:38,556
This is from me and only me.

307
00:13:39,688 --> 00:13:41,255
Thank you.

308
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:44,649
I feel bad.
I-I didn't get you anything.

309
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:47,478
Perhaps we could settle up
under the mistletoe.

310
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:48,828
I overstepped, didn't I?

311
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,134
I knew it the minute
it left my mouth.

312
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:56,574
He truly
is the richest man in town!

313
00:13:56,661 --> 00:14:01,144
I'm unraveling here!
I'm completely unraveling!

314
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:07,629
[chanting]

315
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,340
How much longer
does this go on?

316
00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:25,560
I can't feel my legs.

317
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:29,216
We're not even at halftime.
Plus, we're out of ham.

318
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,487
♪ Mockingbird tell me ♪

319
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:42,838
♪ Everybody have you heard? ♪♪ Have you heard? ♪

320
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:48,322
♪ He's gonna buy me
a mockingbird.. ♪♪

321
00:14:48,409 --> 00:14:51,499
Hey, sexy, you want to
sneak upstairs again

322
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:54,589
before they start
singing "Muskrat Love?"

323
00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:56,852
Joyce, give it a rest,
otherwise, New Year's Eve

324
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:59,768
I'm gonna have to put
ice in my diaper.

325
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,074
I can't help it!

326
00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:04,294
You look just like
Al Pacino in this thing.

327
00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:06,644
Get out of here.

328
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,864
Really?

329
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,084
[imitates Tony Montana]
You want to play games, huh?

330
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,694
You want to play games?

331
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:15,653
Say hello to my little friend!

332
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,441
I'll say hello
to your little friend.

333
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:21,485
[doorbell rings]
Hoo-ah!

334
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:23,313
Ooh!

335
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:27,622
Just when I thought I was out,
you pull me right back in.

336
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,367
Hello, Mrs. Moranto.

337
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:35,195
Well, look at this.

338
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:39,068
A wise man
from the East bearing gifts.

339
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:42,289
I assume the drinking
has already commenced.

340
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:44,117
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa.. ♪♪

341
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:47,163
Uh, at Molly's behest, I brought
some pies from the restaurant.

342
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,948
Here is the receipt.

343
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,863
The bad news is
Molly's not home.

344
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:57,608
The good news is we got
liquor, and now pies.

345
00:15:57,695 --> 00:16:00,742
That was a delicious meal,
Margaret, a real feast.

346
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:02,787
Why don't you boys
give Jim a quick walk

347
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:04,876
while us gals clear off
the table?

348
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,617
I saw him chewing on
the tree earlier

349
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:10,360
so there's probably going
to be tinsel in his yule log.

350
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,841
Make it easier to find
in the snow.

351
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:14,364
So what are we gonna do now?

352
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:16,627
We don't have to go
to church again, do we?

353
00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:18,455
Well, actually, after dinner

354
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,501
mom usually has me read "'Twas
The Night Before Christmas"

355
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,068
and then we listen to both
sides of the Jim Nabors'

356
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:23,939
"Songs For The Holidays."

357
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:27,725
Hard to believe that beautiful
voice belonged to Gomer Pyle.

358
00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:30,424
Speaking of which, why don't
we see if Jim does his pile on

359
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,947
the neighbor's lawn?

360
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:34,036
That's actually
very clever, Biggs.

361
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:36,778
Thank you, sir. It was just
sitting there like a softball.

362
00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:40,390
Well, it really
was a wonderful dinner, Peggy.

363
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,697
Thank you very much.

364
00:16:42,784 --> 00:16:47,310
Okay. Guess I'll get this.
You just relax.

365
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:51,662
I'm sure this is
the last place in the world

366
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,273
you wanted to be tonight.

367
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:57,451
No, not the last.
Church was actually the last.

368
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,409
I appreciate you
letting my boy spend

369
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:00,976
the holidays with me.

370
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,239
I'm not sure how many more
I've got left.

371
00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:06,590
I don't imagine you're going
anywhere anytime soon. Are you?

372
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,333
Is that your Christmas wish?

373
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,162
No, not at all.

374
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:14,729
I guess I have been
kind of hogging him

375
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:15,947
the last couple of years.

376
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,733
That's just your nature.

377
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,996
Okay.

378
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,694
You know, when Mikey was a kid,
his dad and I usually

379
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:25,609
locked horns every holiday.

380
00:17:25,696 --> 00:17:27,872
Hard to imagine.

381
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:31,615
And unfortunately, it ruined
quite a few Christmases.

382
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:34,488
And a tree or two.

383
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,968
It certainly hasn't soured him
on the holidays.

384
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,754
That's because he gets to spend
them with someone he loves.

385
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:42,409
Are you talking about me or you?

386
00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:44,846
I'm trying to be sweet
to you at Christmas.

387
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,675
Don't make it any harder
than it is.

388
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:50,199
Sorry. You were saying?

389
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:55,813
I'm saying...my boy loves you
you're alright by me

390
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,902
and I could've done a lot worse.

391
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:02,124
Wow.

392
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:05,345
Thank you, Peggy.
That was, that was very sweet.

393
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:09,653
Consider it
your Christmas present.

394
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,527
[instrumental music]

395
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:21,361
I appreciate you coming
over here tonight, Biggs.

396
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:23,928
I know it meant
the world to your mom.

397
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,365
I'm actually glad I did.

398
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:28,063
I haven't seen her this happy
in a long time.

399
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:31,197
I'm guessing some of that's
because of you, sir.

400
00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:32,720
Is that a fact?

401
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:35,462
My dad really didn't
treat her very well.

402
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:37,638
She deserves a good man
in her life.

403
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:42,512
Thank you for saying that.

404
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:44,775
I'd take a bullet
for that woman.

405
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:46,690
Hopefully,
it won't come from her.

406
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,870
Merry Christmas, Biggs.

407
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:55,525
We're not at work, sir.

408
00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,658
You can actually call me Mike
if you want.

409
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:02,793
Okay. And I'm Patrick.

410
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,666
Merry Christmas, Patrick.

411
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:11,411
Son of a gun,
he did eat tinsel.

412
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:13,064
It's kind of pretty the way it
glistens when the moon hits it.

413
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,414
You want to get that,
Patrick?

414
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:15,893
- Pick it up, Biggs.
- Yes, captain.

415
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,293
[instrumental music]

416
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:29,777
♪ Chestnuts roasting ♪

417
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:33,084
♪ on an open fire ♪

418
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:38,742
♪ Jack Frost nipping
at your nose ♪

419
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:47,316
♪ Yuletide carols
being sung by a choir ♪

420
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:52,887
♪ And folks dressed up
like Eskimos ♪

421
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:57,544
♪ Everybody knows the turkey ♪

422
00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:01,548
♪ And some mistletoe ♪

423
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:08,555
♪ Helps to make
the season bright ♪

424
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:09,773
♪ Tiny tots ♪

425
00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:15,649
♪ With their eyes all aglow ♪

426
00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:21,481
♪ Will find it hard
to sleep tonight ♪

427
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:25,093
♪ Although it's been said ♪

428
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:29,880
♪ Many times many ways ♪

429
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:33,319
♪ Merry Christmas ♪

430
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:37,801
♪ Merry Christmas ♪

431
00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:42,719
♪ To you ♪♪

432
00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:48,943
[theme music]