[instrumental "Joy To The World"]
Alright, I got Vince a bottle of that bug spray
he calls cologne and mom a set of crystal wine glasses.
I don't know why you blow money on expensive wine glasses.
I've seen her drink Chardonnay out of a cereal bowl.
I've seen her suck it off a blouse she spilled it on
but those glasses are more for guests.
Does this mean we're done shopping?
'Cause if I hear the Chipmunks sing another Christmas song
I'm setting myself on fire.
I'm almost done.
I still have to get something for Carl, Samuel and Kevin.
- Who's Kevin? - Our mailman.
You call the mailman Kevin?
That's his name. What do you call him?
I call him the jerk who stole my "Sports Illustrated"
swimsuit edition.
He doesn't steal any of my mail
because I buy him a nice Christmas gift.
Well, we shouldn't have to bribe civil servants
to get them to do their jobs.
Said the police officer who accepts a free meal
at every restaurant he eats at.
I keep the city safe.
I shouldn't get a free patty melt once in a while?
Merry Christmas.
And Merry Christmas to you... Debbie.
I'm just saying, friends and family are one thing
but let Santa cover the meter readers and the UPS guy.
I know, but it's Christmas. Don't be such a grumpy Grinch.
I'm sorry, ma'am, your card's been declined.
Oh, I don't, I don't think it is, Debbie.
I just used it at Brookstone and Williams-Sonoma.
Maybe just rub it on your shirt and give it another swipe.
I mean, I know it's the credit card company just being
overly cautious, and I know it's to protect me
but it's kind of a pain in the rump, right?
Declined.
- Did you pay the bill? - Of course, I paid the bill.
No biggie, no biggie.
Plenty of, plenty of other cards.
If you could just spread that over those three
we'll be right as rain.
I don't think I'm allowed to do that.
Oh, they don't give those name tags to cowards, Debbie.
Molly, there's a lot of people waiting.
I know. I feel their horrible stares.
Happy holidays, everyone. Just be a...a sec.
[whispers] Give me you credit card.
So, all your cards are maxed out?
Mike, you are embarrassing me.
Here you go, Debbie.
- Thank you for your patience. - Don't get too friendly.
We're not buying her a Christmas present.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
♪ I wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
♪ And some happy new hair ♪♪
Oh, my God. It's a miracle.
It's a Christmas miracle.
My gift to you, doll.
You get to bang a complete stranger
without actually banging a complete stranger.
Oh, if I'd known you were going get me new hair
I would have gotten you new boobs.
Is it people hair?
'Cause sometimes they make them out of dog fur
or they shave a monkey.
No, I sprang for actual human hair from Kuala Lumpur.
They get it from convicts and dead transients.
It's not a big deal.
I'll just call the credit card company
and tell them to raise my limit. I do it all the time.
That's not a solution, you're just extending the problem.
Oh, God, can we talk about this later?
It is Christmas. The season of giving.
Speaking of which, I'd love that 300 bucks I gave you last week.
Am I the only one that knows how to celebrate the holidays?
When did Vince get hair?
[Molly] 'I don't know. I was gonna ask you.'
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Pet, don't pull.
[instrumental music]
I want a Lala Loopsie, Littlest Pet Shop, Lego Friends
a ballerina skirt, hula hoop..
Hang on, little lady. Now, that's quite a list.
Why don't you just pick the one you want the most?
I want them all.
Yes, but somebody's got to pay for all those toys
and you don't want your mommy and daddy
to be over-extended on their credit card.
[laughing]
Here you go, princess. And don't worry about Santa.
He ain't been right since Blitzen kicked him in the head.
Happy holidays.
Man, these kids came here for toys
not financial advice from a fat guy in a fake beard.
Hey, if Molly had run into a straight-talking Santa
when she was a kid, money wouldn't shoot through her
like poop through a Christmas goose.
Man, watch your language.
This is Christmas Tree Lane, not Potty-Mouth Road.
- Oh, captain. - Captain.
Stay in character, boys.
The kids are eye-balling you.
Aye-aye, captain.
Uh, Santa, can I have a word with you?
Okay.
I'm not sitting on your lap, Biggs.
Oh, of course not, sir.
And don't worry, kids, Santa's not under arrest.
We're just comparing our naughty or nice lists.
So remember to keep your noses clean and don't do crack.
- Right, captain? - Right.
I'm surprised the other elves haven't beaten him to death
with their tiny hammers.
Yeah, but the kids love him, and every half hour
he break-dances for them.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm going to have to miss that.
Anyway, Biggs, I wanted to talk to you about your mother.
Uh, everything good between you two, I hope.
Oh, never better. I just wanted to discuss her Christmas gift.
Well, she loves those slipper-robe sets
but you can't go wrong with a nutty cheese log.
Actually, her one request this year
was to spend Christmas with her only child.
Oh, I'm definitely stopping by.
I got to give her her slippers, her robe
and her nutty cheese log.
Actually, you'll be there all Christmas Eve
and waking up there Christmas morning, like you used to.
I'd love to, sir, but I'm married now
and, you know, in order to stay that way
I kind of do what I'm told.
We'll expect you at 8 o'clock sharp.
And I'm sure once your better half
sees the happy look on your mother's face
she'll be glad you did it.
Yeah, that's one way it could go.
[hip-hop music]
♪ O holy night ♪
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
♪ It's the night of our dear savior's birth ♪
♪ Savior's birth ♪
♪ Long lay the world ♪♪ In sin ♪
♪ In sin and error pining ♪
♪ Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth ♪
♪ Soul felt its worth.. ♪
You know, there was a time when they were pretty picky
about who they let into the academy.
♪ For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.. ♪♪
Your sister is going to love this baby.
This is the Lyric King 9000.
It's got a built-in 500-gigabyte hard drive
on-screen song selection and a four channel
wireless microphone, in case Victoria
wants to work the crowd.
Oh, if there's a crowd, she'll work it.
And if there's not, she'll draw one.
And it's got auto-tune.
[robotic tone] So you can get funk-kay.
[laughs] Cool!
And I still get your employee discount, right?
30%. And this is a floor model, so another 20.
That's half off, and Mike says..
[robotic tone] I'm not fru-gal.
Does it play Christmas songs?
In English and Korean.
[music starts]
[singing "Jingle Bell Rock" in Korean]
Sold. Sold.
Now, I gotta get this wrapped up and under the tree.
You don't want to hear me sing "Frosty The Noonsaram?"
I don't.
If you could reimburse me now
I can finish my Christmas shopping tonight.
Oh, you know, Mike's actually taking care of the checkbook
now, so can this wait until he's asleep?
Actually, I need the money now. You know, holidays and all.
Well, it's a good lesson for you about budgeting, hmm?
You got to settle on a number and stick to it.
- Hey, Mol. Hey, Larry. - Actually, I'm Harry.
Whoa, I don't need to know your life story, dude.
Wax it if it's getting bushy.
Wow, she remembered my whole name except the first letter.
Just give me half of what you owe me
and we'll say the karaoke machine's from both of us.
No, I bought it for her.
Not yet you haven't.
[sighs] Fine, but you're helping me wrap it.
And it's gonna say, from Molly and Harry, not Harry and Molly.
Could you write Larry on it, so she knows it's from me?
I can't believe how much younger you look in this thing.
We should go out and get you a pair of skinny jeans.
Joyce, the top of my head might be different
but everything in my pants is still the same.
Should we go upstairs and see if the rug matches the drapes?
It does. I dyed my chest hair and plucked out the grey pubes.
Oh, that's why the sink looked like an old spider exploded.
Alright, who wants a hot Gingerbread Man?
I already got one right here.
What would you think if I grow a mustache or a soul patch?
Ooh, or maybe mutton chops.
Or you could just comb your back hair
over your whole face and hang beads from it.
You're just jealous 'cause I got a new
sexy young lover.
Guilty. Alright, as soon as Mike comes home
we're going make eggnog and sing Christmas carols.
And we get to open one present, right?
Two, if the first ones are batteries or an A/C adapter.
Who needs batteries when you've got this strapping young
buck in the house?
Mom, you're making me sick on Christmas.
And we'll watch "Rudolph" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
which I purchased on DVD, don't tell Mike.
And then Christmas morning, it's hot cider and cocoa
while we open the presents Santa brought us.
- Santa? - Bup, bup, bup.
Hey, Merry Christmas, sweetie.
How was your day?
Wow, the tree looks beautiful.
You can't go wrong with a Douglas fir, huh?
A little more expensive, but if you're going to kill a tree
you might as well kill a good one.
You ready for some eggnog?
I think, of the two of us, you're the one that's going
to need a drink.
And Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing
Mikey back home to celebrate Your son's birthday.
I don't get to see him much anymore..
Mike, not Jesus, who I see every day in my heart..
...but if you can go without seeing your boy for 33 years
then I can certainly survive three lonely Christmases
in this cold, empty house.
[whispering] Happy holidays, sweetie.
And Lord, bless that nasty Chinaman
that lives across the street.
Even though I don't like him, and he doesn't believe in You
and probably eats his pets.
But he did help build the railroads
and he is still one of Your children
made in Your image, blah-blah-blah. Amen.
- Amen! - Amen.
Now, do we eat? You pray, then you eat, right?
Boy, you're in for a treat.
Mom makes a great Christmas spread.
I got a beautiful honey-baked ham
scalloped potatoes, homemade green beans
and German chocolate cake.
Oh, so my prayers were answered.
[laughs]
And we will enjoy it right after mass.
Mass what?
Christmas mass.
Mikey and I used to go every year
until you pushed your way into the family photo.
Well, if that's something you two enjoy sharing together
I'm fine to just stay here with Jim and the ham.
We'll go as a family. You're coming too.
'Patty, would you mind warming up the car'
'while I go put on my Christmas frock?'
Absolutely. Your toasty chariot will await.
Want to look nice for the Lord.
Guess these two thought we were going to pick fruit.
This was all kind of sprung on me last-minute.
Why do I try?
I'll honk twice when I've got the windows de-iced.
And Biggs, help my Christmas angel down the sidewalk.
- Who? - Your mother.
She falls and breaks a hip, you are on airport commode duty
checking the stalls for sodomites.
Yipes.
I'll get her to the car safe and sound, sir.
This is crazy. Who the hell goes to church on Christmas Eve?
Those services last forever.
I should probably bring a pocketful of ham.
You get the ham, I'll keep a lookout.
♪ ...be forgot for the sake of auld lang syne.. ♪♪
[sobs]
Damn it! Every year, I try not to cry
but as soon as George Bailey finds Zeppo's petals
I'm a blubbering mess!
Aw, you're a big softie.
Bet I can firm it up for you.
Joyce, lay off! I'm an emotional wreck right now!
[doorbell rings]
Sounds like another angel just got his wings!
Damn it, I'm a big girl!
I should put barrettes in this wig.
- Hey, Jerry. - You can call me Larry.
Say, is Molly around?
No, she and Mike are spending the night at his mom's.
Very convenient.
Did she happen to leave a check or an envelope of money
with my name on it, or for a guy named Harry?
Tell me you didn't loan her money
'cause there's a couple of people and a few credit card
companies in front of you.
I'm sorry to have to do this, but your sister breached
our verbal agreement, and there is only one way
to rectify the situation.
Victoria, Merry Christmas.
This is from me and only me.
Thank you.
I feel bad. I-I didn't get you anything.
Perhaps we could settle up under the mistletoe.
I overstepped, didn't I?
I knew it the minute it left my mouth.
He truly is the richest man in town!
I'm unraveling here! I'm completely unraveling!
[chanting]
How much longer does this go on?
I can't feel my legs.
We're not even at halftime. Plus, we're out of ham.
♪ Mockingbird tell me ♪
♪ Everybody have you heard? ♪♪ Have you heard? ♪
♪ He's gonna buy me a mockingbird.. ♪♪
Hey, sexy, you want to sneak upstairs again
before they start singing "Muskrat Love?"
Joyce, give it a rest, otherwise, New Year's Eve
I'm gonna have to put ice in my diaper.
I can't help it!
You look just like Al Pacino in this thing.
Get out of here.
Really?
[imitates Tony Montana] You want to play games, huh?
You want to play games?
Say hello to my little friend!
I'll say hello to your little friend.
[doorbell rings] Hoo-ah!
Ooh!
Just when I thought I was out, you pull me right back in.
Hello, Mrs. Moranto.
Well, look at this.
A wise man from the East bearing gifts.
I assume the drinking has already commenced.
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa.. ♪♪
Uh, at Molly's behest, I brought some pies from the restaurant.
Here is the receipt.
The bad news is Molly's not home.
The good news is we got liquor, and now pies.
That was a delicious meal, Margaret, a real feast.
Why don't you boys give Jim a quick walk
while us gals clear off the table?
I saw him chewing on the tree earlier
so there's probably going to be tinsel in his yule log.
Make it easier to find in the snow.
So what are we gonna do now?
We don't have to go to church again, do we?
Well, actually, after dinner
mom usually has me read "'Twas The Night Before Christmas"
and then we listen to both sides of the Jim Nabors'
"Songs For The Holidays."
Hard to believe that beautiful voice belonged to Gomer Pyle.
Speaking of which, why don't we see if Jim does his pile on
the neighbor's lawn?
That's actually very clever, Biggs.
Thank you, sir. It was just sitting there like a softball.
Well, it really was a wonderful dinner, Peggy.
Thank you very much.
Okay. Guess I'll get this. You just relax.
I'm sure this is the last place in the world
you wanted to be tonight.
No, not the last. Church was actually the last.
I appreciate you letting my boy spend
the holidays with me.
I'm not sure how many more I've got left.
I don't imagine you're going anywhere anytime soon. Are you?
Is that your Christmas wish?
No, not at all.
I guess I have been kind of hogging him
the last couple of years.
That's just your nature.
Okay.
You know, when Mikey was a kid, his dad and I usually
locked horns every holiday.
Hard to imagine.
And unfortunately, it ruined quite a few Christmases.
And a tree or two.
It certainly hasn't soured him on the holidays.
That's because he gets to spend them with someone he loves.
Are you talking about me or you?
I'm trying to be sweet to you at Christmas.
Don't make it any harder than it is.
Sorry. You were saying?
I'm saying...my boy loves you you're alright by me
and I could've done a lot worse.
Wow.
Thank you, Peggy. That was, that was very sweet.
Consider it your Christmas present.
[instrumental music]
I appreciate you coming over here tonight, Biggs.
I know it meant the world to your mom.
I'm actually glad I did.
I haven't seen her this happy in a long time.
I'm guessing some of that's because of you, sir.
Is that a fact?
My dad really didn't treat her very well.
She deserves a good man in her life.
Thank you for saying that.
I'd take a bullet for that woman.
Hopefully, it won't come from her.
Merry Christmas, Biggs.
We're not at work, sir.
You can actually call me Mike if you want.
Okay. And I'm Patrick.
Merry Christmas, Patrick.
Son of a gun, he did eat tinsel.
It's kind of pretty the way it glistens when the moon hits it.
You want to get that, Patrick?
- Pick it up, Biggs. - Yes, captain.
[instrumental music]
♪ Chestnuts roasting ♪
♪ on an open fire ♪
♪ Jack Frost nipping at your nose ♪
♪ Yuletide carols being sung by a choir ♪
♪ And folks dressed up like Eskimos ♪
♪ Everybody knows the turkey ♪
♪ And some mistletoe ♪
♪ Helps to make the season bright ♪
♪ Tiny tots ♪
♪ With their eyes all aglow ♪
♪ Will find it hard to sleep tonight ♪
♪ Although it's been said ♪
♪ Many times many ways ♪
♪ Merry Christmas ♪
♪ To you ♪♪
[theme music]