1 00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:07,703 Sorry, Nemo, no one said the food chain was fair. 2 00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:14,971 Ah, smells like a walrus threw up in here. 3 00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:16,364 I'm gonna take that as 4 00:00:16,451 --> 00:00:19,497 "Hey, thanks for making breakfast, sweetie." 5 00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:22,370 You're kidding. Who eats fish for breakfast? 6 00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:24,894 Women, trying to increase their odds of getting pregnant 7 00:00:24,981 --> 00:00:26,461 by boosting their omega-3s 8 00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,463 and their supporting and loving husbands. 9 00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:31,553 Wait, so I have to eat it too? 10 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,904 Upping our protein is better for both of us, and our baby. 11 00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:37,776 Plus, if I have to choke down this crap, so do you. 12 00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:41,345 Ah, this coffee tastes horrible. 13 00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:44,087 Did you dip the fish in it? 14 00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:46,307 Yeah, it's a cup of fish water. 15 00:00:46,394 --> 00:00:48,352 It's herbal tea, Mike. 16 00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:50,485 And like it or not, we're also giving up caffeine. 17 00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:51,747 Are you crazy? 18 00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:53,009 I'm a police officer. 19 00:00:53,096 --> 00:00:54,402 I have to stay alert and vigilant. 20 00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,882 I give up coffee, I lose my cat-like reflexes. 21 00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:01,626 Well, cats love fish, so, eat up, Snowball. 22 00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,760 Come on, I gotta have a cup of coffee. 23 00:01:04,847 --> 00:01:06,762 Mike, I read the caffeine 24 00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:09,591 can affect the potency and the viscosity of a man's sperm. 25 00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:11,462 Oh, that doesn't make any sense at all. 26 00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,856 You'd think a shot of coffee'd get 'em zooming up the canal 27 00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:16,946 like they're riding a jet-ski. 28 00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:20,080 Well, clearly you know more than a team of Swedish doctors. 29 00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,516 Damn fish-eating Swedes. 30 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:22,995 I knew they were behind this. 31 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,520 Come on, I haven't had any coffee either. 32 00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:28,044 Just shut up and drink your tea. 33 00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:30,612 Fine. 34 00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:32,701 It's like licking the bottom of a lawnmower. 35 00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:37,097 You'll get used to the taste. Just eat your fish. 36 00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:38,794 I don't like my fish this way. 37 00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:41,231 Well, nobody does! It's a horror show. 38 00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:44,539 It should be deep fried and served 39 00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:45,757 in a cardboard pirate hat 40 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,890 like God intended. 41 00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:51,633 Eyes just keep following me wherever I move. 42 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,550 It's like that picture of Jesus at my mom's house. 43 00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:57,987 You know, all these sacrifices are gonna be worth it 44 00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:00,903 when we're holding our beautiful healthy baby, right? 45 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,385 I'll tell you what, for a cup of coffee and an Eggo 46 00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:06,343 I'd settle for an ugly, stupid one. 47 00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:09,651 ♪ For the first time ♪ 48 00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:13,133 ♪ In my life ♪ 49 00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:16,048 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 50 00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:28,017 [instrumental music] 51 00:02:28,104 --> 00:02:31,281 Carlton, you gonna be late for work again. 52 00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,153 And tell the tramp laying next to you 53 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:36,199 not to leave her nasty drawers on my banister. 54 00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:37,809 [doorbell rings] 55 00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:40,769 Have to get a hazmat suit and a pair of tongs. 56 00:02:43,119 --> 00:02:44,860 - Good morning, Nana. - What's good about it? 57 00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:47,645 Okay. 58 00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:50,082 I got woken up at 4 o'clock in the a.m. 59 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,997 by some drunk Russian girl thinking 60 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,522 my bedroom was the commode. 61 00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:56,132 Ah, Carl brought home another one, huh? 62 00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:58,656 Each one nastier than the last. 63 00:02:58,743 --> 00:03:01,006 The boy always did pick low-hanging fruit 64 00:03:01,093 --> 00:03:04,619 but this one was a road apple. 65 00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:06,925 Yeah, I get his morning-after recap every day 66 00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:08,318 whether I want it or not. 67 00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:10,015 Since Christina broke up with him 68 00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:12,496 the boy don't care where he sticks his business. 69 00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:16,500 I'm afraid to keep Swiss cheese in the house. 70 00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:18,241 I'm sure he'll slow down eventually. 71 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:21,723 But I wouldn't be serving him any onion rings either. 72 00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:24,943 The boy is working my last nerve. 73 00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,946 This Ruskie jezebel left cigarette butts in my toilet 74 00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:31,123 and drank all my cognac. 75 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,301 Damn Commies! Think everything belongs to everybody. 76 00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:37,434 Grandma, what's the matter with you? 77 00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:39,131 I got a houseguest trying to sleep. 78 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,134 Your houseguest woke me up in the middle of the night 79 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:45,921 trying to urinate in my clothes hamper. 80 00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,792 Well, you didn't have to throw your clock radio at her. 81 00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:51,318 That was rude. She's a guest in our country. 82 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:54,625 Michael, get this slab of stupid out of my living room. 83 00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,715 Man, you should see this chick I got upstairs. 84 00:03:57,802 --> 00:04:00,196 She'd be a ten if she wasn't wall-eyed. 85 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,242 I can't get away from fish today. 86 00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:05,245 [instrumental music] 87 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,205 [yawns] 88 00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:12,252 Thanks for drivin', man. 89 00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,123 That crazy Russian chick kept me up all night. 90 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,559 Well, those people aren't quitters. 91 00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:18,345 That's why the Cold War lasted so long. 92 00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,172 And they're biters, too. 93 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,306 That girl chomped on my earlobe like it was a cabbage roll. 94 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:24,568 I told her to stop, but she wouldn't take 95 00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:25,874 nyet for an answer. 96 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,138 What kind of coffee you drinkin' there? 97 00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:30,487 It's a Guatemalan blend. 98 00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:31,967 I think the barista was, too. 99 00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:33,403 Her name tag said "Corina" 100 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:37,015 but her eyes said, "Take me, Senor Carl." 101 00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:40,932 Could you slip the lid off, so I could smell it? 102 00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:44,153 Aw, look, she made a little heart in my steamed milk. 103 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,763 We might have to circle back there later today. 104 00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:47,852 I wouldn't mind capping her 'chino. 105 00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:51,116 God, that smells great. 106 00:04:51,203 --> 00:04:53,510 Molly made me give up coffee in order to maximize 107 00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:56,600 the potency and viscosity of my sperm. 108 00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,820 You'd think a little caffeine would keep them suckers alert. 109 00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:00,735 You know, make 'em swim a little faster. 110 00:05:00,822 --> 00:05:04,129 - Doctors are full of crap. - Mm-hmm. 111 00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:05,348 You know what would go great with that? 112 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,524 - A biscotti. - Voila! 113 00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:09,439 Oh. 114 00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,485 Corina didn't charge me for it either. 115 00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,313 - It's hazelnut. - I'm tellin' you.. 116 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,792 I must be puttin' out some kind of musk. 117 00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,446 I mean, if I bagged a Latin-American girl 118 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:20,189 my Johnson will have officially circled the globe. 119 00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:21,712 What are you doin', you're not gonna dip it? 120 00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:26,151 Mmm, is it good? It's good, isn't it? 121 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:28,545 Dip it again, slower this time. 122 00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:38,599 [instrumental music] 123 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:44,735 Oh, I do love my glass of wine at the end of the day. 124 00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:48,130 It's almost as good as the one at the beginning of the day. 125 00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:50,567 Yeah, you know, I don't miss it. 126 00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:53,091 This herbal tea suits me just fine. 127 00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:54,571 Thank you very much. 128 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,399 Oh, more power to you. 129 00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:59,663 But if I didn't have my goofy grape to sand the edges off 130 00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:02,187 I'd nail the door shut, turn the oven on and.. 131 00:06:02,274 --> 00:06:04,886 ...light a match. 132 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:07,236 Let me just top that off for you. 133 00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:10,500 Hey, ladies. 134 00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:12,154 I brought home Chinese food. 135 00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:13,982 Oh, that was sweet of you. 136 00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:16,680 A new place opened up next door to my weed dealer. 137 00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,116 Now that's a smart businessman. 138 00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:20,728 Right? Location, location, location. 139 00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,382 No food for me. 140 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:25,776 This.. Boy, this cup of tea is really filling. 141 00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:28,997 I got mushu chicken, pot stickers and kung pao beef. 142 00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:32,566 It's a little squeeze of lemon that gives it that extra zing. 143 00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,916 Meal in a cup. 144 00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:37,701 Oh, boy, Chinese! Is there any slippery shrimp? 145 00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,442 Just you. 146 00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:40,922 What did I do? 147 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:42,402 She's a little grumpy 'cause she's trying 148 00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:44,055 to get pregnant and can't have good food. 149 00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:45,535 Or alcohol or caffeine. 150 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:49,844 I'm fine. Healthy living is my morning buzz. 151 00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:52,673 Boy, if I had to live without coffee, hooch or chow mein 152 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,762 I'd fill my ears with ground beef 153 00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:57,808 and jump in a shark tank. 154 00:06:57,895 --> 00:06:59,941 I don't care if they are taking over the country. 155 00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:01,029 This is delicious. 156 00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:02,291 - Do they deliver? - No. 157 00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,553 But I pot every other day 158 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,729 so I'm in the neighborhood. 159 00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:07,862 Oh, Victoria, do you have any hot mustard sauce? 160 00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:09,211 - They got plum sauce? - Mm-hmm. 161 00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:10,952 I love the plum sauce. 162 00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:12,649 - Mm-hmm. - 'Mmm.' 163 00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:14,085 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 164 00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:15,826 [instrumental music] 165 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,920 I have to say, I feel completely satiated 166 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:25,445 from our healthy, baby-smart dinner. 167 00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:26,750 You know, once you start eating right 168 00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:29,187 your body actually craves that kind of food. 169 00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:32,408 I know, I mean, who needs those heavy sauces 170 00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,498 or French fries or.. 171 00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:39,328 ...thick buttery rolls that melt in your mouth. 172 00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:42,200 - Not me. - Me neither. 173 00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:45,552 We don't need tartar sauce or salt.. 174 00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:49,730 ...or creamy coleslaw or hush puppies. 175 00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:52,428 Remember the kind they used to serve at the Jolly Roger? 176 00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:53,995 Oh, yeah, they were beer-battered. 177 00:07:54,082 --> 00:07:57,259 Beer-battered. 178 00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:59,870 But, give me a nice piece of fish 179 00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,872 and some, oh, some steamed vegetables 180 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,961 I am good to go. 181 00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:05,702 Absolutely. 182 00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:07,487 And that horrible tea's starting to grow on me, too. 183 00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,140 I don't even miss coffee. 184 00:08:09,227 --> 00:08:12,100 I know, once this skull-piercing migraine subsides 185 00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:15,538 I'm gonna be fit as a fiddle. 186 00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:18,106 And our baby will be the beneficiary 187 00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:22,545 of all our sacrifices. 188 00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:24,155 Just our tummies saying, "Thank you for eating right." 189 00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,897 Yeah, right. 190 00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:30,248 - I can't do this. - That was my stomach. 191 00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:32,860 Yeah, but it was talking to mine saying, "Stop this insanity." 192 00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:34,122 Please stop yelling, my head feels like 193 00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:35,732 it's splitting in half. 194 00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:40,084 This is nuts. Why don't we just order a pizza, and adopt? 195 00:08:40,171 --> 00:08:42,957 There are a lot of children out there in need of a good home. 196 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,482 No. No, we must remain strong. 197 00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:49,529 Just go downstairs, cut up an apple and we'll share it. 198 00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,575 Or I could make a big pan of cinnamon rolls. 199 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:58,886 No, go get the apple, now! 200 00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:00,061 And a big one! 201 00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:03,978 Big as your big head. 202 00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:06,458 [woman on TV] 'It's gonna get thicker, and I don't want it to burn' 203 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,940 'but I'm waiting for it to come to a nice syrup consistency.' 204 00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,380 Hey, champ. 205 00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,254 - What are you watching? - Food Network. 206 00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:22,649 This must be like porn for you. 207 00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:25,173 No, this is way better than porn. 208 00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:27,044 - What are they cooking? - It's bacon week. 209 00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:28,916 They're gonna show you how to caramelize it. 210 00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:30,482 Put the oven on 375 211 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,441 dip the bacon in brown sugar and cinnamon 212 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,486 bake for eight minutes, cool slightly before serving. 213 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,359 Everybody knows that. 214 00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:38,839 Yeah, but not everybody knows it like 215 00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:40,580 the Pledge of Allegiance. 216 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,972 Turn that off. 217 00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,278 Why aren't you upstairs putting a baby in that 218 00:09:43,365 --> 00:09:44,409 crabby wife of yours? 219 00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:46,977 I'm getting an apple. 220 00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:49,371 [doorbell rings] Hey, could you grab that? 221 00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,591 I got a little headache from eating my ice cream too fast. 222 00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:55,464 Good. 223 00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:56,596 Geez, you're a mean couple. 224 00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,946 You two deserve each other. 225 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,730 Carl, what are you doing here? 226 00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,906 Grandma gave me the boot and now I got no place to sleep tonight. 227 00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:04,081 Well, what are you fighting about now? 228 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,605 Beats me. She's old. 229 00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:08,869 Who knows what's going on under that cheap-ass wig? 230 00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:11,436 Alright, I guess you can crash on the couch tonight. 231 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,787 - Thanks, man. - Okay. 232 00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,353 Hey, baby. Good news, we don't have to sleep in my car. 233 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,355 Wait a second. 234 00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:19,140 Do me a favor, when she comes in, introduce yourself 235 00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:21,098 'cause I can't remember her name. 236 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,667 Hey. This isn't a party. 237 00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:27,670 It's just two gay guys eating a banana split. 238 00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,980 I haven't had one bite of that. 239 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,111 [instrumental music] 240 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,030 I added a scoop of peanut butter 241 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,336 so we'd have something to dip 'em in. 242 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:42,424 Otherwise we're just eating an apple. 243 00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,644 Ah. Ooh. 244 00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:47,168 - Who was that at the door? - Huh? Oh, it was Carl. 245 00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:48,517 He needed a place to crash tonight 246 00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,780 so I gave him the couch. 247 00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:54,218 Crunchy, instead of creamy was a great idea. 248 00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,612 Right, It's more like a taffy apple 249 00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:59,615 the way God intended you to eat apples. 250 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,704 Did his grandma kick him out of the house again? 251 00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,401 Yeah, but don't worry, the two of 'em will be gone 252 00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:05,621 by first thing tomorrow morning. 253 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,015 - "Two of them?" - Yeah, he picked up some gal. 254 00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,757 You know, I think I prefer the McIntosh to the Granny Smith. 255 00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:13,107 Wait, Carl is downstairs with a strange woman 256 00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:14,369 sleeping on our couch? 257 00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:15,762 Well, they're probably not sleeping yet. 258 00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:17,198 She was pretty wired on something. 259 00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:19,679 Still got her teeth, so I doubt it's meth. 260 00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,768 Wait, you got to get 'em out of here. 261 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,508 I mean, tell him to go to a hotel. 262 00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,554 He's my best friend. I can't turn him away. 263 00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,034 Well, why can't they go to her place? 264 00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:30,037 I don't know, eviction notice or jealous husband. 265 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,734 She was very cagey about it. 266 00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:34,563 Have you eaten two slices or just one? 267 00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,652 I am really not comfortable with this. 268 00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,001 You won't even know she's here. 269 00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,524 Unless she's that screamer with Tourette's 270 00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,744 he was telling me about yesterday. 271 00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:44,791 - You ready to make a baby? - No, I'm.. 272 00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:47,402 I'm not gonna have sex with you with a strange woman downstairs. 273 00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,491 I do it every night with your mom and your sister. 274 00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:52,363 I just pretend we're astronauts, and we landed on a weird planet. 275 00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,672 Sorry. I thought I smelled weed up here. 276 00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:59,153 End of the hall. Ask for Victoria. 277 00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:03,548 She better not eat all of our apples. 278 00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,769 [instrumental music] 279 00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:12,819 Thanks for letting me crash at your place, man. 280 00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,211 Molly still mad at me? 281 00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,344 Yeah, but after two days of no coffee 282 00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,433 she pretty much hates everybody. 283 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,695 So when she told me to get the hell out 284 00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,305 that was just caffeine withdrawal? 285 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:23,438 No, that was a woman really wanting you out of her home. 286 00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:25,440 Mm. 287 00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:28,051 Why don't you just go back to your grandma's and apologize? 288 00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:30,053 Me? Apologize to her? 289 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,795 - For what, livin' my life? - No, for bringing home whores. 290 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,408 Hey, none of them were actual whores. 291 00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:40,629 Although one of 'em did steal my nickel jar. 292 00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:41,978 Well, you can't stay at our house. 293 00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:45,025 Well, fine. I got plenty of places I can go. 294 00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:48,158 Hey, Samuel, my man. 295 00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:50,726 I live in an efficiency apartment with five roommates. 296 00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:52,554 Three of us share a pull-out couch 297 00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:55,470 two sleep on a yoga mat and one sleeps in the bathtub. 298 00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:01,302 So, under the kitchen table is up for grabs? 299 00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,957 If we had a kitchen table, we could bring in another renter. 300 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,962 Damn, that man needs to get his own place. 301 00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:12,356 [instrumental music] 302 00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:22,062 Oh, man! Spiteful old lady changed the locks. 303 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:26,327 Grandma, don't make me break a window. 304 00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,546 If you break a window, I'm gonna break off your arm 305 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,853 and beat you to death with it. 306 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,463 Quit fooling around and let me in. 307 00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:35,205 Not by the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin. 308 00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:36,816 Come on, grandma, you made your point 309 00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:39,035 but I got no place else to go tonight. 310 00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,081 Alright. 311 00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:42,996 But if you got some Ukrainian jezebel 312 00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,825 hidin' in the bushes, you two can hop on a dogsled 313 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,349 and mush your butts back to Moscow. 314 00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:51,874 What's all this? 315 00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,398 Those are your shoes, those are your books 316 00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:57,097 and the square thing behind you is the door. 317 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:01,231 Alright, grandma, you made your point. 318 00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:02,711 No more overnight guests. 319 00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,931 This ain't just about your catting around. 320 00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:07,150 Although that Russian girl usin' my toothbrush 321 00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:09,761 was the tramp that broke this camel's back. 322 00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:13,374 Come on, help me unpack this stuff. 323 00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,376 I'm not givin' in on this, Carlton. 324 00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:17,378 It's time for you to get your own place 325 00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:20,033 and stand on your own two feet. 326 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,122 What? 327 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:26,300 I can't leave you by yourself. You're a fragile old woman. 328 00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:29,520 "Fragile?" Who do you think lugged them 50-pound boxes 329 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,610 down a flight of stairs like a damn mule? 330 00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,351 It's dangerous, you living alone. 331 00:14:34,438 --> 00:14:36,179 Like that time you got heat exhaustion mowin' the lawn. 332 00:14:36,266 --> 00:14:37,920 Told you I was fine. 333 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,574 You was fine, because I was there to spray you down 334 00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:41,793 with the garden hose. 335 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,752 I was nappin', fool. 336 00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,623 I woke up thinkin' I was back in Selma 337 00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,712 gettin' fire-hosed by the police. 338 00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:50,672 Alright, alright, is this about me 339 00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:52,021 contributin' more around the house? 340 00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,588 Because if I'm gonna pay you to do my laundry 341 00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:55,546 you're gonna have to step up the fluff and fold. 342 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:57,635 Carlton, sit down. 343 00:15:01,509 --> 00:15:03,032 I ain't been doin' you any favors 344 00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:05,556 by mollycoddlin' and babyin' you. 345 00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,167 You a full grown man 346 00:15:07,254 --> 00:15:10,735 and you need to start actin' like one. 347 00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:13,521 - Why are you doin' this? - 'Cause I love you. 348 00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:17,438 And it's time for you to grow up. 349 00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:19,092 I've lived in this house my whole life and.. 350 00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:20,441 ...and now you're just gonna kick me out? 351 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:23,661 Don't make this any harder than it is. 352 00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:26,142 When your mama left you here to live with me 353 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:29,058 I promised her I would take good care of you. 354 00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:31,365 And you did. Grandma, you gave me everything. 355 00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,584 You made me stay in school, you kept me out of trouble. 356 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,064 I don't know what I would've done without you. 357 00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:37,284 Well, it's time for you to find out. 358 00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,808 And I'm not kickin' you out of my life 359 00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,766 I'm just throwin' you out of my house. 360 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,162 Well, can I just stay here tonight 361 00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:47,598 until I figure out what I'm gonna do? 362 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,818 No, if I don't stay strong now 363 00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:52,038 I might never do it. 364 00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,953 Besides, Brother Heywood's upstairs 365 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,955 and his refractory time is almost over. 366 00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:02,439 Grab yourself somethin' to drink and let yourself out. 367 00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:08,315 I love you, Carlton. 368 00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:12,797 Love you, too. 369 00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:14,669 My whole life in six boxes. 370 00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,932 There's eight more up here, but you're carryin' those down 371 00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,673 your damn self. 372 00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,243 [instrumental music] 373 00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:32,730 Here's a good one, studio apartment 374 00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,776 utilities included, small pet allowed. 375 00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:38,258 You could get that ferret you always wanted. 376 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,651 Studio? No, man, I need at least a two-bedroom. 377 00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:41,696 I've got to have a home office. 378 00:16:41,783 --> 00:16:43,785 Why do you need an office? 379 00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:45,656 I might write a book someday. 380 00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:49,138 And I need someplace to put my globe. 381 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:51,401 God, it's startin' to get cold in here. You guys cold? 382 00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,577 We already turned the heat up for you, Carl. 383 00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:55,405 Yeah, but that was before I took off my shoes. 384 00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:58,495 Now my tootsies are gettin' a little chilly. 385 00:16:58,582 --> 00:16:59,757 - Mike? - Here we go. 386 00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,977 A large one-bedroom in Wrigleyville. 387 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,761 Hey, you could walk to ball games. 388 00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,459 I don't know, I don't want to live on a pile 389 00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:07,113 of empty cups and peanut shells. 390 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,593 Bad enough ridin' around in the squad car with you. 391 00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:14,033 Ha! 32 minutes. Hand it over. 392 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,425 We're not that place. 393 00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,906 That place should be every place. 394 00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:19,516 He ordered a pizza? 395 00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:22,389 Smells like sausage, onion, and green pepper. 396 00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:25,914 I swear I can smell the extra cheese. 397 00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,524 Y-you know what? It's nice outside. 398 00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:29,613 I-I'm just gonna eat this on the porch. 399 00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,967 Should we cut up an apple? 400 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:39,058 You do it. I can't be trusted with a knife right now. 401 00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:41,886 [instrumental music] 402 00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,544 [theme music]