[instrumental music]
Hey, uh, doesn't somebody have a birthday
coming up in a couple of days?
That's right, I do.
I hope you're not planning on making a big deal out of it.
Nope. I'm just gonna stick with the step-by-step
instruction manual you gave me.
Well! Don't think of it as a manual.
Just, you know, little hints.
Crumbs, to guide you down the right path.
- Got it. - You do 'em, you don't do 'em.
Up to you.
I see, so you're not expecting to be "woken up at 8:00 a.m.
"with butterfly kisses, warm croissants
and English breakfast tea?"
If it happens, that would be lovely.
If it does, a...little bouquet
of fresh flowers would make it extra special.
- Flowers. - Your choice.
- Tulips. - Gerber daisies.
Color is totally your call.
- Gerber daisies. - In yellow.
- I choose yellow. - Ah!
Shall I continue?
Yes, I'm dying to hear what's next.
Well, "after breakfast, we're going to the museum"
to see the dinosaurs."
I-I didn't write "Dinosaurs."
Well, you wrote "Museum" and that's where they keep 'em.
I'm fine with whatever as long as I'm strolling
hand in hand with the man I love.
- Aw. - At the Rembrandt exhibit.
Art...hand in hand.
Now, for lunch, I'm thinking falafel. How far off am I?
You know what, I should've been more specific.
I didn't know I was up against falafel.
Hey, guys.
You remember Tom, my friend slash weed dealer, don't you?
Hey, you remember Mike, my husband slash police officer
who arrests people who deal drugs?
Not drugs, just weed.
Occasionally, shrooms, but all organically grown
in his own greenhouse.
Hey, you don't have any Gerber daisies, do you?
Tom's place is being tented and bombed for termites.
So he's gonna crash here for a couple of days.
- You mean, in the house? - Hey, listen.
Not to harsh your mellow, but if I had
a police dog here, would he be barking at your bag?
Not unless he's been trained
to sniff out pajamas and ginkgo biloba.
Alright, just checkin'.
I'm very respectful of your home
and your outdated marijuana laws.
Great, we'll be like the sheepdog and the coyote
when they say good morning at the time clock.
Ah-ha! Looney Tunes fan!
We'll get along just fine.
They're not sleeping together, are they?
No. She never brings home a guy with a job.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Good morning!
Might've been, if I'd have gotten any sleep last night.
- Insomnia? - No!
You and Mr. Zigzag hitting bongos
and bongs all night long.
Oh, you could hear that? Did I sound flat on "Iko Iko"?
Victoria, how long is Tom gonna stay here?
This house is pretty full as it is.
As long as he wants. He's one of my best friends.
I've known him since the ninth grade.
You've been buying weed from that guy since ninth grade?
Tenth. The first year was free.
Well, your houseguest
is in the shower, bogartin' all my hot water.
Tom likes to start his day with a full-body loofah salt scrub.
Says it's like being reborn every morning.
He better be crowning, otherwise I'm headin'
up there with forceps.
Namaste, ladies.
Sure.
I've been cleansed in fire, now I must be baptized in ice.
What the hell does that even mean?
He used up all the hot water. So now he's gonna
roll around naked in the snow.
Oh, great, so we're gonna have a seven foot nude hippie
making snow angels in the backyard.
He is not like me and you. He is an old soul.
Sees the world through a third eye.
Yeah, I just hope our neighbors don't get a good look
at his third eye.
- That's gross. - I know it's gross! I'm tired!
[instrumental music]
I'm telling you, man, living alone is the way to go.
I can't believe, I waited this long
to move out of my grandma's house.
I can't believe she stacked all your stuff
in the driveway, and pushed it into the street with her car.
She was helpin' me move.
My grandma can't carry all those boxes
with that bad back of hers.
Bad back didn't keep her from dancin'
in the street as you drove away.
Point is, I'm on my own, I can do whatever I want
whenever I want. You know what I did last night?
Is it something I'm gonna want to hear while I'm eating?
- I sat buck naked on my couch. - No, it is not.
Watching an X-rated lesbian movie, and nobody said boo.
Allow me. Boo!
Hey, I sat on a pot holder. I'm not an animal.
Well, I'm glad you're making the most of your sweet freedom.
Well, you'll get a taste of it tonight when you come
over to watch that fight on pay-per-view.
Oh, I can't. It's Molly's birthday tomorrow.
And her wish list has become a ransom note.
What are you talking about? I already paid for the fight.
Plus, I've been crock potting chili for two days!
Well, you can always freeze that.
But I made enough for you, where am I gonna get
that kind of freezer space?
Carl, what can I tell you? It's my wife's birthday.
Do what you want to do. It doesn't matter to me.
Because...I like being alone. In fact, I prefer it.
You know what I'm gonna do right now?
I'm gonna go sit in the squad car by myself
and enjoy a little quality time.
What's the matter with him?
He has never lived by himself.
And like the rest of us, he has discovered that
a little bit of Carl goes a very long way.
You're kidding. I thought he was having a ball.
Well, last night he called me four times just to talk.
And now I know he was naked and sitting on a pot holder.
Thank God, I didn't let him Skype like he wanted to.
Ah!
[Vince] 'Oh!'
Oh-oh... Ooh!
Oh, oh, there it is.
That's Daddy's spot. Oh!
Thought you didn't like gettin' a rubdown from another man.
I usually don't, but this doped-out long hair has got
the hands of an angel.
Shh, find your center.
You already found it, and I think your thumb's in it. Oh!
Hey!
[shrieks]
That's not the welcome mat I wanted to see!
[all] Namaste.
Tom's giving us all shiatsu massages.
He's adjusting my chakras. Did I say it right, weird Jesus?
[Molly] 'Mom, kitchen!'
Alright!
Hey, don't wear out those thumbs.
I got a couple of chakras nobody's been able to find yet.
Hey, I've tried.
Why do you think my neck's all out of whack?
Okay, how are we gonna handle getting this guy out of here?
What are you talking about? He makes dinner.
Gives everybody massages. Of the men livin' here
he's not the one I'd get rid of.
Mom, are you forgetting that Shaggy in there
also happens to be a pot dealer?
I haven't forgotten, but the man's giving us all massages.
We should wait before we hit him up for free weed.
[Vince] 'There go my toxins.'
'I'm releasing! I'm releasing!'
I'm moving. I'm moving!
[instrumental music]
How you doing on toppings?
'Cause I could chop more onions and grate some cheese.
I'm good on fixings, Carl.
Well, anything you want, just holler.
If I ain't got it, I'll go get it.
I worry that all this love is being
wasted on the wrong person.
Shh! The fight's startin'.
Oh, this is gonna be a great bout.
These guys are perfectly matched, I'm guessin' this
is gonna go the distance.
[bell dings on TV]
[blows landing]
[body thuds]
I think the Mexican guy just got knocked out.
Like hell he did. I paid $40 for this fight.
He's gonna get.. Get up!
Carl, it's over. His mouthpiece is in the third row.
And his teeth are still in it.
[bell dings]
Well, that was fun.
What do you want to do now?
Well, I DVR'd that Lesbian porno movie
and I only watched, like, four minutes of it.
Let me get this straight, you're asking me to
sit next to you on a couch while we watch an adult movie?
It's that or Yahtzee.
Roll the film.
And don't sit so close.
♪ You see I've been through the desert ♪
♪ On a horse with no name ♪
♪ It felt good to be out of the rain ♪
♪ In the desert you can't remember your name ♪
♪ 'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain ♪
[both] ♪ La la la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la la la ♪
Everybody.
♪ La la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la la la ♪
- One more time! - No, no!
No more times. No more times!
The horse is dead!
You really have a beautiful singing voice.
I told her she should quit her job
and share her talent with the world.
Oh, you did, did ya?
You know, become a traveling troubadour
like Bob Dylan or Jimmy Crack Corn.
Wow! Masseuse, pot dealer and a career counselor.
Hey, you got to have faith.
Just leap and the net will appear.
Oh, yeah. A net will appear, Tom.
And it's gonna be two guys in white jackets
throwing it on you, and then tossing you in the back
of a panel van.
Hey, who wants homemade gelato?
'I do.'
Molly, what don't you like Tom?
I just think he's a bad influence.
And I don't want you to end up living in some compound
washing his feet with your hair.
It would appear that someone got a head start on the gelato.
Uh, it's cool.
They just need to know that they're gonna be high
for about five days.
What do you mean high?
Hi!
[instrumental music]
We have any more gelato?
Not for you we don't.
You happy? My husband, the police officer
is now stoned out of his gourd.
If you're worried they're gonna check his urine
Tom can get you clean pee.
Absolutely, and the first jar is free.
I'm gonna hit him. I'm gonna punch him--
No, Tom take care of this.
I'm on it. I'll navigate his flight.
Hey, big buddy, how's about you and I
go for a nice walk in the fresh air?
Okay, and I'll be right here, when you get back.
Are you happy, you turned my husband
the cop, into a dope fiend?
Don't worry, Tom is a total expert
at guiding people down from a total freak out.
- He got away. - What?
[instrumental music]
[dog barking]
[roars]
[dog whimpers]
[violin playing nearby]
[screams]
My God, do you realize that Mike could lose his job over this?
Don't blame me, he was the one that ate
all the ice cream without asking what's in it.
That's what he does, he once drank a whole pan
of hot dog water, thinking it was soup.
Okay, then it's my fault then, just blame me.
You blame me for everything.
Victoria, you are 32 years old.
You can't keep living your life like a teenager.
What is wrong with having a good time?
I am not hurting anybody.
My husband is stoned and running amuck.
Oh, you never make mistakes, do you?
Little Miss Perfect. Molly gets good grades.
Molly only dates single men.
Molly doesn't wake up under bridges.
Slow down, slow down. Is that him?
- No, big stack of tires. - Keep driving.
Boy, you put a head on those things.
That could be his twin brother.
Help me find my husband!
Don't yell at me!
[instrumental music]
Oh!
[car horn beeps]
Oh!
- Hey, how are you? - You cold?
- It's pretty cold, buddy. - Yeah!
Warm?
[laughs]
[screams]
[car alarm wailing]
Booyah, Park Place!
Pay up, bitch. You uptown now.
[knock on door]
Oh, if only I were.
Oh, good, Mike's here.
We're playing Monopoly. You're the shoe, and I'm out of jail.
Come on in, man.
- You want some chili? - Chili!
Good, you brought your appetite.
Relax, make yourself comfortable.
- Thirsty! - Well.
Let me grab you a beverage.
- I got beer. I got soda pop. - I could make you a milkshake.
- Mm, milkshake good! - Comin' up.
I DVR'd the fight so you can watch it
three or four times, while I make your malted.
Mmm, M&M'S.
Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Just don't fill up on those 'cause I gotta
tub of chili with your name on it.
Mike!
That's right!
What are we gonna do now? We can't call the police.
He's not picking up his phone.
We could put flyers up with his picture
on it that says he answers to "Mike."
I know I said there was no bad ideas, but that's a bad idea.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help.
I think some of this could be my fault.
Some of it? How about all of it?
You're right.
I'm just a big, stupid pothead.
With less sense than a squirrel.
I..
...I didn't say you were stupid.
And I certainly didn't say "Squirrel stupid."
I just, I wish you made better choices.
Probably should've just stayed at junior college.
But when a Backstreet Boy lures you on the tour bus
you don't worry that it's final's week.
Well, maybe you do.
That's bong water under the bridge.
You know, you could still go back.
You mean go back to school?
Why not?
You'd be a good student if you applied yourself.
I'm sure you've saved up a little bit of money.
Thirty six thousand dollars.
What?
Moll, I don't pay rent.
And I haven't had to buy a meal or a drink
since my boobs came in.
Wow!
Can I borrow $8,000?
We should probably keep looking for Mike.
Okay.
[groans]
Alright, that's the last of the chili.
But don't worry, I'm whipping up some
of my famous silver dollar pancakes.
Maple syrup.
[cell phone rings]
Man, your phone's ringing again.
It might be important.
Mike's phone, Carl speaking.
Oh, hey, Molly!
Yeah, he's right here.
No, he's fine. We're just hanging out.
Enjoying my new apartment.
Stoned?
No, I don't think so.
No, it seems like the same ol' Mike.
- Pancakes! - Yup, same ol', same ol'.
Well, somebody's already slept through page one
of his birthday list.
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy Birthday dear Molly ♪
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
Aw, you remembered!
Well, you left a great big note on the fridge.
Well, that was actually more for Mike.
Thank you.
By the way..
...I am going to the college this morning.
To sign up for some classes.
Really? That's great.
I appreciate you, believing in me.
I'll try not to let you down.
You could never let me down. You're my baby sister.
Well, I'm gonna do it.
I mean, if not now, when?
Besides, I'm going to take a history class and if I wait
much longer, there's gonna be a lot more to learn.
Very true and very smart.
- Love you. - Love you.
[door closes]
"To the best big sister in the whole wide world."
Aw, ho!
Twenty bucks?
No wonder the tightwad's got 36 grand.
Croissants.
Oh, help yourself.
But right when you get finished with that
we are going to the art museum.
Art museum? Cool.
Aw, you're still high.
[theme music]