1 00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:05,135 Alright! 2 00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:08,791 I got all the supplies from the hardware store. 3 00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,967 I thought you were going to prep and measure the walls. 4 00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:14,014 Well, I started to, but then I found your high school yearbook 5 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,712 and it's a real page-turner. 6 00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:18,192 Can't wait to see how it ends. 7 00:00:18,279 --> 00:00:20,237 Yeah, I graduate, I get my teaching degree 8 00:00:20,324 --> 00:00:23,066 and then I marry Lazy Bones Jones. 9 00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:24,720 This is a nice picture of you though. 10 00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:26,635 Who would expect the captain of the debate club 11 00:00:26,722 --> 00:00:28,245 to have such a rocking mullet? 12 00:00:28,332 --> 00:00:30,508 It is not a mullet. 13 00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,075 I was going through a prince phase. 14 00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,250 Really? 15 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,339 Charles or Albert? 16 00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:36,862 You want to talk hairstyles? 17 00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:39,474 I've seen your prom picture, Buzz Lightyear. 18 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:43,260 Hey, it's the same exact haircut I have now. 19 00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:45,828 Yes, it is. 20 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:48,309 Well, I'm certainly not going to cross verbal swords 21 00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:51,181 with the girl voted "most likely to tell you you're wrong." 22 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,835 Seriously, if we don't get cracking 23 00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,706 we're never going to make it livable for us down here. 24 00:00:54,793 --> 00:00:56,056 Don't worry, we'll get it done. 25 00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:58,580 You know my motto, "Do it right, do it once." 26 00:00:58,667 --> 00:00:59,929 I thought your motto was, "There's always room 27 00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,713 for Jell-O." 28 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,934 Hey, a guy can have more than one motto. What's it read? 29 00:01:05,021 --> 00:01:07,980 Ten feet, five inches and one, two, 3/16ths. 30 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,026 - Can you write that down? - I can remember it. 31 00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:13,247 - What's my phone number? - You got a pencil? 32 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,422 By the saw. 33 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:15,945 We'll slap this paneling up quicker 34 00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,860 than you can say "little red Corvette." 35 00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:20,080 Don't push it, Buzz. 36 00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,994 Hey, uh, what was that measurement again? 37 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,040 I don't know, that's why I want you to write it down. 38 00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:25,302 Well, what's it say now? 39 00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,870 Now, 12 feet, six inches. 40 00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:30,394 Well, I'm guessing I walked about three feet, seven inches 41 00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:31,700 give or take. 42 00:01:31,787 --> 00:01:33,615 Mike, can you please measure it again? 43 00:01:33,702 --> 00:01:35,834 You know, measure twice, cut once. 44 00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:39,403 That's just for cake. Something like this you can eyeball. 45 00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:41,231 What are we doing? We're never gonna finish this. 46 00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:43,015 We should hire a professional. 47 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,322 Why? You're married to a first-class handyman. 48 00:01:45,409 --> 00:01:46,758 Who fixed that hole in the roof? 49 00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:48,717 You did. Same hole three times. 50 00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,284 No, same hole twice. 51 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,807 The other hole was where my foot went through. 52 00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:53,983 And that patchwork is holding up very nicely. 53 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:56,899 Perhaps it's the all-weather boot that you left stuck in it. 54 00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:59,728 Point being, I fixed it. 55 00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,382 Now let's get this show on the road. 56 00:02:03,384 --> 00:02:05,908 - What'd you do with the pencil? - By the saw. 57 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,127 We're going to have to hire somebody just to 58 00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,955 keep track of the pencil. 59 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:12,001 ♪ For the first time ♪ 60 00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:15,483 ♪ In my life ♪ 61 00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:18,399 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 62 00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:29,801 [doorbell rings] 63 00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:34,284 Hey, come on in. 64 00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,807 - What happened to your hand? - Oh, it's nothing. 65 00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,505 I'm doing some home improvements at the house 66 00:02:37,592 --> 00:02:41,030 and I sliced my thumb cutting an apple. 67 00:02:41,117 --> 00:02:43,728 You got no business working with tools or knives. 68 00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:47,254 The only thing you can build is a hamburger at Fuddruckers. 69 00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:48,951 At least I can do my own laundry. 70 00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:50,909 I don't have to come over to my grandma's to get her to do it. 71 00:02:50,996 --> 00:02:53,521 Hey, I came over to check in on that helpless, poor, old woman. 72 00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:56,176 Excuse me for being an exemplary grandson. 73 00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,221 Listen, SpongeBob BrownPants. 74 00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:01,877 What's the point of getting you out of my house 75 00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:04,227 if I still got to handle your dirty drawers? 76 00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:06,229 Grandma, how many times do I got to tell you? 77 00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,797 I like my underpants tri-folded, like little flags. 78 00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,190 Not just rolled up! 79 00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,583 Those crusty things roll up all on their own. 80 00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:16,283 Like the dead witch's feet and the "Wizard of Oz." 81 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,893 I just.. 82 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,329 Carl, we should probably get out of here. 83 00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:21,679 You're not wearing your bulletproof vest. 84 00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:24,073 Michael, do you still go to your mama's house 85 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,075 expecting her to fix you dinner 86 00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:28,599 do your laundry and shave the back of your neck? 87 00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:30,732 No, but part of that's me not wanting my mom 88 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,213 standing behind me with a razor in her hand. 89 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:36,477 He's not nearly as nervous as he should be. 90 00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,261 I'll be over later tonight to check on you 91 00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,220 make sure you're okay and that you've taken your medicine. 92 00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:43,440 The only pills I take are for the headache yougive me. 93 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,137 And you're not coming here to check on me 94 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,443 you just wanna steal my food. 95 00:03:46,530 --> 00:03:48,053 You steal her food? 96 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:49,359 The grocery was closed, and I'm not paying 97 00:03:49,446 --> 00:03:50,752 liquor store prices. 98 00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:54,538 Came home another night and found nothin' in the 99 00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:56,801 Frigidaire but my milk of magnesia 100 00:03:56,888 --> 00:03:58,673 and a half-eaten radish. 101 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,545 Yeah, always forget I hate radishes until I bite into one. 102 00:04:01,632 --> 00:04:03,025 Get him out of here right now 103 00:04:03,112 --> 00:04:04,983 before you're witness to a black-on-black 104 00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,376 foot-in-ass crime! 105 00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:10,902 Remember to check my shirt sleeves for dryer sheets. 106 00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,121 I've been pulling those things out of my 107 00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:13,601 cuffs like a damn magician! 108 00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,080 Boy, you better disappear 109 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:17,082 before I saw you in half. 110 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:21,913 I-I know it's out of my way to come by here 111 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,219 but it's always worth it when I see 112 00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:25,482 that big smile on her face. 113 00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:29,399 And quit leaving your pornography in my DVD player! 114 00:04:29,486 --> 00:04:32,315 I sat down to watch "The View" and got one I'll never forget. 115 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,281 Boy, for a guy with his own apartment 116 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:43,370 you sure spend a lot of time at your grandma's. 117 00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:45,720 Hey, she's an old woman and she misses me. 118 00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:48,940 I'm trying to wean her off me slowly, like methadone. 119 00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:51,116 Right, look, if you're lonely, maybe you should 120 00:04:51,203 --> 00:04:52,553 get a dog or a plant. 121 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,251 You know, something that has to love you back. 122 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,818 First of all, I'm not lonely. 123 00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:59,168 And secondly, a dog doesn't guarantee you love. 124 00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,605 I've had three run off on me. One of them left me for a hobo. 125 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:04,652 - You're kidding. - No. 126 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,262 I saw him on the street a week later. 127 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:09,265 Acted like he didn't even know me. 128 00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:12,007 Aloof as hell. 129 00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:14,009 Write down what you want to eat and make it legible. 130 00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,837 No pointing and grunting at the menu, I'm too tired. 131 00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:17,360 Wow, Carl, I wrong. 132 00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:21,059 Service in here actually could be crappier. 133 00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:22,539 I'm going on no sleep. 134 00:05:22,626 --> 00:05:24,236 My roommate Aziz moved his crazy wife 135 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,934 and screaming baby into our apartment, so there are now 136 00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:27,675 seven people living in a one-bedroom! 137 00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,807 Three of them are telemarketers who work from home! 138 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,160 Hey, why don't you ask Samuel to move in with you? 139 00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:36,814 You got that extra room at your place. 140 00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:39,208 I'm gonna turn that into my meditation dojo. 141 00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:41,602 Yeah, a place where I can reflect and hear myself think. 142 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:43,299 I hear you thinking all day long. 143 00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:47,085 Believe me, you don't want to be trapped in a room with that. 144 00:05:47,172 --> 00:05:48,826 Hey, I like Samuel 145 00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:50,698 but I don't want to live with a guy. 146 00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:52,874 You find a chick's pubes in your soap, that's sexy. 147 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:55,485 But another dude? You got to throw away the whole bar. 148 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:58,836 Those are the kind of little things you can work out 149 00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:00,838 between the two of you. 150 00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:02,579 I don't know, I like living on my own. 151 00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:04,538 I don't need another person cramping my style. 152 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:07,454 Yeah, and by style, you mean doing Tai Chi in your towel wrap 153 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:10,979 and masturbating in front of your TV? 154 00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,459 And where else would you have me masturbate? 155 00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:15,418 In front of a window? 156 00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:17,986 You wonder why that dog left you for that hobo. 157 00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:26,037 Don't you mention Tippy to me. 158 00:06:26,124 --> 00:06:28,257 I took him off death row and gave him a home. 159 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:31,434 He caught that frisbee and kept running. 160 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,349 He was sending a message. 161 00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,525 I loved him, but Tippy was a vindictive 162 00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:37,266 little son of a bitch. 163 00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:43,968 You did a nice job on that 164 00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:45,927 framing-ma-jiggy. 165 00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:47,755 Those are called furring strips. 166 00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:50,627 Gives you a nice, level surface to attach the paneling to. 167 00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:53,151 Well, I'm very impressed. 168 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:55,502 Can I play with the glue gun? 169 00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,243 No, you may not. This is a tool, not a toy. 170 00:06:58,330 --> 00:06:59,767 Really? Because you just wrote 171 00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:02,683 "Mike is cool" with the glue. 172 00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,511 First of all, it's called epoxy. 173 00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:07,383 And second of all, Mike is cool. 174 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,167 Well, I'm cool, too. 175 00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:12,040 I know, I read it in your yearbook, like, five times. 176 00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:13,258 Here. 177 00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:15,086 - Molly.. - Uh-huh. 178 00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:17,219 - Is.. - Mm-hmm. 179 00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:18,699 - Cool. - Thanks. 180 00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,744 So, what do we do now? Slap this baby up there? 181 00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:22,224 No, we're not gonna slap anything. 182 00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:24,095 We're gonna carefully apply the epoxied 183 00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,401 surface to the frame. 184 00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:27,316 Okay. 185 00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:30,058 - Oh. - Alright. 186 00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:32,060 How long's it take this glue to dry? 187 00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:34,149 We have to hold it in place for about ten minutes. 188 00:07:34,236 --> 00:07:36,630 Grab that block of wood so we can tap it into place. 189 00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:41,722 I thought you said it takes ten minutes? 190 00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:44,289 That's for wood, not gloves. Yank it off of there. 191 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,422 Otherwise, we're gonna have to hang a picture over it. 192 00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:54,386 Oh, wow. Good glue, bad wood. 193 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,476 Grab the gun! I'll hold this in place. 194 00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:02,046 Damn it, that ten-minute thing is a load of crap! 195 00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:04,396 - Oh! - Aah! 196 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,225 - It's in my eye! - I gave you safety goggles! 197 00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:08,966 - Here, let me get it. - Hurry, it's hardening! 198 00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:11,012 I can feel it! 199 00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,495 I'm gonna go make you a sandwich! 200 00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,409 Wait! Where are you going? 201 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,977 Molly! Molly! 202 00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,071 [knock on door] 203 00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:28,899 I got it, roomie. 204 00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:33,382 Hey, man, come on in. 205 00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:34,862 What's different about you? 206 00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:35,993 Did you finally get a new haircut? 207 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,953 I'm missing an eyebrow, Sherlock! 208 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,911 That's what it is. 209 00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:42,652 Word to the wise, when you got a glove 210 00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:44,045 glued to your face, don't tell your wife 211 00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:46,134 to just yank it off. 212 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:47,570 You should've let her yank off the other one. 213 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:50,268 You look weird this way. 214 00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:52,532 Believe me, we debated about that for a long time 215 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,708 and this is where we landed. 216 00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:58,320 Alright, I folded your undies like little flags. 217 00:08:58,407 --> 00:08:59,887 Tonight, I will wash your colors and delicates 218 00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,671 when I get home from work. 219 00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:03,717 See, now, if you had gotten up earlier like I told you to 220 00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:05,893 you could have finished all of it. 221 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:08,112 Well, I was up pretty late ironing your work shirts 222 00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:10,724 and shaving the back of your neck. 223 00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:12,421 You get the line even the first time 224 00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:13,814 then you won't have to do it over again. 225 00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:14,858 Grandma used to draw it in first 226 00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,730 with a little eyebrow pencil. 227 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:20,821 I'll remember that for next time. 228 00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:22,649 No problem. I mean, you just moved in. 229 00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:25,042 We're still discovering each other's little peccadillos. 230 00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:29,046 Indeed, we are. 231 00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:30,570 By the way, I was thinking tonight 232 00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:31,875 you could cook pork chops. 233 00:09:31,962 --> 00:09:34,399 - Kind of in a pig mood. - More than usual. 234 00:09:37,011 --> 00:09:38,621 Man, you were right, letting Sammy move 235 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,405 in here was a great idea. 236 00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:42,190 It really feels good to help out a friend. 237 00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:45,280 Still, I'd be careful biting into those pork chops. 238 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,897 You should hire a guy for this. 239 00:09:53,984 --> 00:09:55,638 It'd be done by now and you wouldn't look like 240 00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:58,772 an unfinished, Mr. Potato Head. 241 00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,556 Just pipe down and make sure it's level. 242 00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:02,427 Looks level to me, but, of course 243 00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:03,777 my view might be obscured 244 00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:07,128 by my two lush eyebrows. 245 00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:08,608 Ah, crap, why didn't you tell me 246 00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,479 there was a two-inch gap between them? 247 00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:12,612 You didn't ask me if there was a two-inch gap! 248 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:13,961 You asked me if it was level! 249 00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:16,137 Which it is. You're welcome. 250 00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:20,489 Why would I want a giant gap between the panels? 251 00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,839 Why would you glue a glove to your face? 252 00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,886 This project is raising a lot of questions. 253 00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:31,239 Thank you for your helpful insight. I'll take it from here. 254 00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:33,502 You're the one who lassoed me into this barn raising. 255 00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:36,026 I only came down here to take a dump in private. 256 00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:38,246 Yeah, which reminds me, when Molly and I 257 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:40,552 are living down here, that toilet is off limits. 258 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,121 You need to go to a hospital, not the bathroom. 259 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,689 One could argue, you're projecting your anger at me 260 00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:50,127 because you're not so much handy, as handicapped. 261 00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:54,741 I'm holding a hammer and it might be glued to my hand. 262 00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:58,266 Oh, good, you're off the crapper. 263 00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:01,617 I thought you strained too hard and blew a valve. 264 00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:04,315 I barely got my pants up before getting drafted by 265 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:06,143 this old big as a house. 266 00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:09,233 Yeah, and you were a tremendous help, too. 267 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,801 There's not supposed to be a big gap between them, is there? 268 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,585 Don't point out his mistakes. 269 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,109 He's horrible with criticism. 270 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,113 Boy, the two of them are never gonna move down here, are they? 271 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,680 I'm working on it! 272 00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,290 "Working on it," If he nails everything 273 00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:23,552 the way he nails paneling 274 00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:25,554 we're never gonna see any grandkids. 275 00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,338 One project at a time! 276 00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:29,471 [Vince] 'See? You can't tell him anything!' 277 00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:37,914 [Mike] 'Damn it, line up, you son of a bitch!' 278 00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,483 [hammering] 'Ow!' 279 00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:43,354 - Everything okay? - 'Fine!' 280 00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:45,052 'Looking great!' 281 00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:47,663 'Damn it, it looks great!' 282 00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:49,404 [hammering continues] 283 00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:51,536 Worst-case scenario, we brick up the basement 284 00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,974 and live in the garage. 285 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,540 Well, he may not be any good 286 00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:57,368 but he's not a quitter. 287 00:11:57,455 --> 00:12:00,197 Kind of like you and the baton twirling. 288 00:12:00,284 --> 00:12:01,242 What are you talking about? 289 00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:04,114 I-I was a baton master. 290 00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:07,422 They asked me to be in the Fourth of July parade, so.. 291 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,119 I remember. 292 00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:12,819 You beaned that poor old Shriner right in the fez. 293 00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:16,126 All those little cars crashing into each other. 294 00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:18,912 Hey, I slipped on horse manure, okay? 295 00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,609 [doorbell rings] 296 00:12:20,696 --> 00:12:22,611 That pile-up was on the Buckaroo Club. 297 00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:25,614 Either diaper those things or don't feed 'em the night before. 298 00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:28,922 Hey, Samuel. Come on. 299 00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,185 How's everything going with Carl? 300 00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,970 It's kind of like Whoopi Goldberg and Danny Glover 301 00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:37,408 in "The Color Purple." 302 00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,106 That movie always makes me cry. 303 00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:41,935 Yeah, I cried on the bus ride over here. 304 00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,112 - Is Mike home? - Yeah, downstairs. 305 00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:47,767 Just follow the "oh craps" and "damn its." 306 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,769 [Mike] 'Aw, crap! Damn it!' 307 00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:52,772 Thank you. 308 00:12:57,472 --> 00:13:00,954 If you're covering cracks, you missed the big one. 309 00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:02,694 Damn it, what are you doing here? 310 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,522 Supposed to be getting Carl a Peanut Buster Parfait 311 00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:07,743 and some bath beads. He likes to snack in the tub. 312 00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:09,484 You don't have to tell me everything. 313 00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:12,139 I like there being a little mystery between me and Carl. 314 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:14,358 He won't buy toilet paper and insists 315 00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:16,708 I steal it from restaurants and gas stations. 316 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,449 He says he risks his life every day 317 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,321 the city owes him a clean ass. 318 00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:24,673 See, right there. Happy without that information. 319 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,588 - Grab that end, will you? - Of course. 320 00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,938 How do you deal with being around him all the time? 321 00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,288 Well, you just got to treat him like a toddler or a dog. 322 00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:32,724 Say "no" and "down" 323 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,945 and run him a lot so he sleeps at night. 324 00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:37,773 Tack that up, will you? 325 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,862 Alright. 326 00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:41,864 The important thing is you stand up for yourself. 327 00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,561 It's your place, too. 328 00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:45,955 You're his roommate, not his mail-order bride. 329 00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,435 Well, I am certainly getting sick of doing 330 00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:49,437 "washy washy for Mr. Carl." 331 00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:50,873 Yeah, he's a handful. 332 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,396 Give him an inch and he'll take a mile. 333 00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:54,007 Go ahead and tack up that other side 334 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:55,835 since you got the hammer. 335 00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,010 Sure. 336 00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,054 Remember to keep the hammer 337 00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,056 centered and straight. 338 00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,885 And keep going. Momentum is the key to finishing a project. 339 00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:05,540 Ooh, another motto. 340 00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,237 - Where are you going? - I'm gonna grab a beer. 341 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,283 You can have one when you're done. 342 00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:16,507 HBO, Cinemax, Showtime. 343 00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:19,684 The minute I move out, that old woman buys the premium package. 344 00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:22,165 She better not be burning through my inheritance. 345 00:14:22,252 --> 00:14:24,951 Sister Rosetta, you've got the devil inside of you. 346 00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:26,866 Well, there's room enough for both of you. 347 00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:30,739 O-oh, hell, no! 348 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,132 Hey, grandma. 349 00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,177 When'd you start buying Australian beer? 350 00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:36,266 There's a lovely peach cobbler in the kitchen. 351 00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:39,661 Why don't you help yourself. 352 00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,968 Carlton, what do I got to do to get rid of you? 353 00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,926 You're like a toe fungus! 354 00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:46,755 Grandma, you're an old woman 355 00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:47,930 and somebody's got to take care of you. 356 00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,366 If you wasn't here right now 357 00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,064 I'd be upstairs with Brother Heywood 358 00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:53,805 and he'd be taking care of me good. 359 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,938 Come on, grandma, I got a belly full of cobbler. 360 00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:58,593 Boy, you got your own apartment now and a roommate. 361 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,248 - What are you doing here? - I don't know. 362 00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,728 'Cause you ain't got nobody waiting on you hand and foot 363 00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:05,817 cooking your meals, doing your laundry. 364 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,732 Actually, I do, and Samuel can fold 365 00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:09,169 a pair of underpants better than you. 366 00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:11,736 My dresser drawer looks like a military funeral! 367 00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:14,043 Well, if you got Bushman Benson at home 368 00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,827 what you doing sitting on my couch 369 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,960 sucking down my imported beer? 370 00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:22,660 Being away from you made me realize 371 00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:24,314 how much you done for me. 372 00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:25,707 And I'm not just talking about cooking and cleaning 373 00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:27,404 and changing the oil in my car. 374 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:29,102 Well, you're about due, by the way. 375 00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:32,453 I put a little sticker on your windshield. 376 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,455 I saw it. 377 00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:35,760 You take good care of me, grandma. 378 00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:37,719 I tookgood care of you. 379 00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:40,113 Now it's time for you to take care of yourself. 380 00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:43,420 Alright, I understand. 381 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,120 I'm sorry to bother you. 382 00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:49,383 How about this Sunday you come over 383 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,603 bring your laundry and I'll make you a nice dinner? 384 00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:54,562 Oh, okay. I'd like that. 385 00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,346 But don't show your face before then. 386 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,827 Otherwise, the next time you drink my beer 387 00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:00,960 it'll be through a straw. 388 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,788 Son, the secret of getting 389 00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:06,530 somebody to miss you is getting gone in the first place. 390 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,489 - I'm going. - Don't be rough on him. 391 00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:10,056 That's my precious grandson. 392 00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:11,492 Sorry, Rosetta. 393 00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:13,581 Might be that little blue pill talking. 394 00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:14,669 Out! 395 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:25,201 Hey, man. Something smells good. 396 00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:27,116 Braised chicken and baby carrots 397 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,683 drizzled with balsamic vinegar 398 00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,380 and a dash of tarragon. 399 00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,513 Mmm, sounds delicious. But listen, Samuel. 400 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,603 I want you to know you don't have to cook for me like this. 401 00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:38,475 - Carl, this isn't for you. - Oh. 402 00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:40,216 Good, 'cause I did have my heart set 403 00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:41,522 on those pork chops we were talking about 404 00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,350 which I assume are still in the oven. 405 00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,961 Is dinner almost ready? 406 00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:48,790 - Who's this? - My roommate Carl. 407 00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:49,965 He was just leaving. 408 00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:51,662 - I was? - You were. 409 00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:54,926 Funny thing. 410 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,494 It turns out, chicks dig a man whose bed does not include 411 00:16:57,581 --> 00:17:00,019 two cab-driving cousins and an uncle with a prostate issue. 412 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,545 Wait, you're not gonna make me a sandwich or anything? 413 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:10,290 Damn. That's what you get for helping a brother out. 414 00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:12,248 It's Tippy all over again. 415 00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:17,384 You'll probably need this more than I will tonight. 416 00:17:21,779 --> 00:17:24,739 [hammering] 417 00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:27,220 Moved in two days ago, already brought home some woman. 418 00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:29,613 See, I was supposed to be the one to christen that place. 419 00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:32,399 Yeah, that's a bummer. 420 00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:35,010 Make sure you pound that straight. 421 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,795 Make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own house. 422 00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:40,015 Man! 423 00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:41,321 That's no way to treat someone. 424 00:17:41,408 --> 00:17:43,105 And maybe tack up that corner piece 425 00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:45,716 make sure they're flush. 426 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:47,109 I'm telling you, man, my blood is boiling! 427 00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:48,502 You know what's good for that? 428 00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:50,069 Hammering. 429 00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:01,689 Oh, my God! 430 00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,604 This is beautiful! 431 00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,954 I told you I could do it. 432 00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:07,695 Cop and construction worker. 433 00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:09,958 You're like two of the Village People in one body. 434 00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,351 [chuckles] 435 00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:12,700 Not the first time I've heard that 436 00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:15,181 but never as a compliment. 437 00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,139 I'm so proud of you. 438 00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:18,967 What do you say we head upstairs 439 00:18:19,054 --> 00:18:20,664 and start working on your next project? 440 00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:23,102 Ooh, let me grab my, uh, safety goggles. 441 00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:24,320 You're gonna need them. 442 00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:27,106 - Hello, young lovers. - Ay. 443 00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,977 Hey, if you're looking for another project 444 00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:30,718 a ceiling fan in the crapper 445 00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,981 should be on the top of your to-do list. 446 00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:34,548 'The air doesn't circulate' 447 00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:37,377 it just hangs there like a grim evil. 448 00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,729 You're gonna put a lock on that door, right? 449 00:18:41,816 --> 00:18:43,948 Yeah, Samuel's seeing that girl again this Friday 450 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:46,125 so I'll get Carl right on that. 451 00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,257 That's my handyman. 452 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:52,566 How long do you think it's gonna take 453 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:55,351 that eyebrow to grow back in? 454 00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:56,744 I don't know. 455 00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:58,746 Maybe I should just yank that one off.