[woman on TV] 'A baby is the beginning of all things'
'and the most beautiful experience a woman can have.'
'It's a time of wonder'
'celebrating the miracle of nature.'
What you watching, Mol?
Oh, a documentary on, uh, natural childbirth
when I do finally get pregnant
I want to know what all my options are.
Well, I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way
loaded on painkillers, screaming
"Get this thing out of me!"
Well, that's always a fallback, but..
I'm actually curious about this underwater birthing.
Oh, that's why she's squatting naked
in that swimming pool.
Correct. Yeah.
They say that the warm water helps relax you
and, you know, makes for a..
...a less traumatic transition for the baby.
Sure. I guess, as long as all the other people
at the pool don't mind.
No, you're not doing it at the Y.
They won't even let you swim without a cap..
[gasps] Oh, she's going into labor.
This is so beautiful.
I think I'm getting a little choked up.
Right. This really is a miracle.
[woman screaming on TV]
- Oh, God! - Here it comes!
[woman on TV] 'Finally, the baby is released gently'
'into the warm water.'
- God! - Oh, my God!
- Oh, God! - What are you watching?
Is it shark week again?
No, it's a video of natural childbirth.
That's horrifying! Thanks a lot.
I was just going to the kitchen to get something to eat.
What are you doing now?
Going to the kitchen to get something to eat.
Forget this. Just pump me full of drugs and booze.
Done and done.
Oh, my god, she's biting through the umbilical cord!
Yuck! It's like watching mike eat calamari.
Seriously, just give me a spine full of morphine
and a bellyful of hooch, I want that baby coming out
pie-eyed and singing "Danny Boy."
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
So, you and molly got any big plans for Valentine's Day?
We're having dinner at home and then baby sex
which is just like regular sex but with half the passion
and twice the worry.
It's still sex, though.
I didn't say bad, just different.
Like pineapple on pizza.
Since I don't have a special lady in my life this year
I'm just gonna lay low.
By "laying low," you mean driving around
trolling for sad, dateless women at bus stops and bridges?
If they're ready to jump, they might as well jump on me.
And pardon me for caring about ladies
going through a rough patch.
Yeah, you're quite the humanitarian
always willing to lend a helping penis.
Say whatever you want but I've cleaned up my act a lot.
It's been a long time since I've trolled for bus-pass ass.
Not since the "she-male incident" of '08.
[laughs]
You spent the whole night crying and gargling.
Learned a lot of lessons that night.
Which I'm gonna pass on to Samuel.
That boy is desperate for an experienced mentor.
Carl, please quit talking about me
like I'm your make-a-wish kid.
Don't let him drag you into his sickness.
It's not right taking advantage of sad, vulnerable women.
Don't listen to him, I got plans to meet ladies this year
that's so good it surprised even me.
Alright, but I am not going to throw myself
in front of a hot woman's car again.
That was dangerous, stupid, and she didn't even slow down.
Well, that says more about society
than it does about the plan.
You take that scheme to Europe
and we'd get all kinds of tail.
Here's an idea, Samuel, find a girl you like
ask her out on a date... on your own.
Man, quit filling his head with crazy ideas!
You're gonna have him going to singles bars and nightclubs
which is a lot of work, a lot of money, a lot of talk
and not to mention the competition.
I do have certain financial restrictions.
And the accent gets them to look at me
but eventually they realize my credit cards
are made of cardboard and came with my wallet.
That's why you and me are going off the grid.
A place where lonely women go
to forget all about Valentine's Day.
You talking a liquor store or Baskin-Robbins?
Better. A place where a single man can stroll in
with no agenda other than
"Hey, can I borrow a cup of detergent?"
Oh, no. You're gonna try and get laid at a laundromat?
Two quarters in a dryer gets you 30 minutes to chat up a gal.
At a club, you're buying five-dollar appletinis
which gets you maybe three minutes and she can walk away
whenever she wants.
That dryer full of underpants is like a chain around her neck.
I'm sorry, you can't argue with the math or the logic.
You, sir, are a perverted genius.
I've got a beautiful, filthy mind.
Hi. My name's Mike, and I'm an overeater.
[all] Hi, Mike.
Well, I sailed through the holidays
without over-stuffing my stocking.
And the great thing about tofurkey is
you never want seconds.
But it did help me lose what is now a total of 40 pounds.
Did he really crack the big 4-0?
Actually, thirty-eight and a half
but I'm gonna let him have his moment.
But I didn't come here to brag.
Yes, he did.
I'm just here to inspire and encourage
because if I can do it, you can do it.
All it takes is submitting to this simple program
and being married to a wonderful woman
who will actually slap pizza out of your hand.
Truthfully, I had to tear it out of his teeth.
Yeah, it's like getting a sock away from a dog.
Alright, I think we have time for one more share.
I better get this over with.
Walk of shame... I'm up four pounds.
- Stay strong. - We can't all be winners.
Hi. My name is Harry, and I am an over-eater.
[all] Hi, harry.
I had a rather tumultuous week
and I'm sad to report... that I am up four pounds.
- 'That is fine..' - This is depressing.
You want to get out of here?
It's a support group. He sat through yours.
But mine was inspiring. I gave these people a hero.
Valentine's day is a particular trigger for me.
For, on that fateful day, I gave my heart
to the love of my life
'only to have her crush it like an empty slim-fast can.'
Which she could do... on her forehead, even.
'God, I loved that woman.'
See? He's losing the room. He can't follow me.
'I showed up at our romantic dinner'
with a two-pound box of chocolates
and a three-quarter-carat engagement ring.
I'm guessing it ended with she threw the ring at him
and he ate the two-pound box of candy.
She threw the ring at me
and I ate the two-pound box of candy.
I called it, right?
Get off your high horse, this man is hurting.
That was ten years and 113 pounds ago.
As hard as it is for me to even think
of putting myself out there..
...somewhere underneath this protective layer..
...there's still a beating heart
'ready to love again.'
Grab your purse. Let's beat the traffic.
I'll bet Harry trotted out that sob story
so everyone would forget about the guy that lost 40 pounds.
Mike!
Too bad stealing spotlights doesn't burn calories.
You know, this weight loss is making you kind of a jerk.
[chuckles] Right?
You know, my heart really goes out to Harry.
I-I get that he can be a little annoying
and kind of a know-it-all..
And his clothes are weird and his breath is bad.
Sometimes he forgets to wipe those little crusty things
out from the corner of his eyes.
His nose hairs looks like there's a family of spiders
living in there.
But nevertheless, he still deserves love.
I agree. You know, I told him to try
one of those international dating sites.
Really? Even with all the single women
right here in Chicago?
Well, I think the language barrier
would really play in his favor.
Vietnamese girl, maybe Cambodian..
Any of your war-ravaged countries.
I think it's a horrible idea
fixing your sister up with Harry.
Why not? They're both available, lovely people.
Yeah, but this isn't a fairy tale.
The troll doesn't get the princess.
He stays under the bridge with his riddles.
Look, if she got to know the guy I saw tonight
she could look past all the other..
- Atrocities? - Quirks. Okay?
He's a very sweet soul, and so is Victoria.
Victoria is a show pony, Harry is a three-legged mule
with an ass covered in flies.
Victoria has dated nothing but jerks her entire life.
Maybe what she needs right now is a three-legged mule.
Are we making three-legged mules?
Because I think we're out of grapefruit juice and grenadine.
See? There's already kind of a language barrier built in.
Victoria, you don't want to go out with Harry, do you?
Mike, that's not how we do it, you ease into it.
Who's Harry? Are we done here?
Okay, alright.
He is a really nice guy that we know from OA.
And he's been over here several times.
He bought you a karaoke machine at Christmas.
Oh, the chunky guy with the sweater vest
and matronly upper arms?
Oh, you noticed his arms.
Well, turns out, he is currently unattached.
Yeah. Catch him between disappointments.
I got this.
I know he's not the kind of guy you usually go out with
but, you know, I thought it's Valentine's Day
and you're not doing anything.
I am not gonna take his virginity
'cause I don't do that anymore.
It's like feeding squirrels at the park.
Once word gets out, you're surrounded.
I don't blame her... that guy's been storing his nuts
for 35 winters.
Shush!
I just thought you might enjoy dinner out with a nice guy.
He is always very sweet to me.
I know he's a little rough around the edges
but just look what I did with Mike.
- What did you do? - He has come a long way.
Remember when he used to eat ravioli out of the can?
I remember when he used to eat ravioli on the can.
Look, if this is some sort of elaborate prank to see me cry
you could have just played "wind beneath my wings"
and saved us all a lot of time.
Look, this is on the up-and-up.
Victoria said yes, and quite frankly
I'm as surprised as you are.
You know, "surprise" doesn't even begin to address
what's going on here.
No, this is matrix type stuff.
This is an upside-down parallel universe.
Speaking of the matrix
should I get one of those long, black leather dusters?
- It's very slimming. - No.
Leather's not flattering on guys like you and me.
No, he's right, if you're shaped like a football
you shouldn't dress like one.
Gentlemen.
Welcome back to Andre's Big And Tall.
Are you here to take advantage of our
saint Valentine's Day blowout?
And what's that, Cousin Andre?
For every suit purchased, you get two boxes of candy.
One for the lady and one for the car ride to pick up the lady.
That is so smart. That way, you don't eat any of hers!
- Man knows his clientele. - He's a marketing genius.
Actually, Andre, we're here to give
our lucky lotto winner a complete makeover.
Nothing too fancy, though.
Just enough to get her to open the door
after she peeks through the window.
Just so you know, I'm not afraid to take a fashion risk.
I had you pegged as a daredevil
the minute you walked in the door.
Now, I'm thinking cocktail casual
with just a splash of color.
I've been told I look very good in turtlenecks.
I'm afraid your mama lied to you.
Why don't I grab a couple of sporty options for you.
Meanwhile, dip a marshmallow or a piece of sponge cake
into our complimentary chocolate fountain.
- Ah, ah, ah. - Stay strong.
You got a date with Victoria and your goal should be
never having to shop here again.
You are my rock.
This is turning into an amazing day.
And to think, last week, I was gonna jump in front of a bus.
Don't build this up too much in your head, okay?
It's just dinner out with a nice woman.
"Nice woman?" No, she's a stone-cold fox.
Just be yourself with Victoria, and everything will be fine.
Be myself? I'm a socially awkward fat man
who has a tendency to talk too much!
So you are aware of the talking thing?
Yeah, you shouldn't talk at all.
Women like the strong, silent type
like Harrison Ford or Clint Eastwood.
There you go, just pick a movie star
and try to emulate them.
I certainly love Olympia Dukakis.
Alright, let's see if we can't turn
our portly duckling into a sexy swan.
I chose a breathable fabric 'cause you look like
the kind of a fella that moistens under pressure.
Are you kidding? I pitted out as soon as I saw
the chocolate fountain.
[Joyce] Don't wait up.
Vin and I are going to dinner
and then seeing Dirty Cirque Du Soleil.
It's basically the same as regular Cirque Du Soleil
but you see everybody's junk.
Sounds romantic. I hope at least the clowns are covered up.
Oh, yeah, you can stick a red nose on anything.
You and Mike are just staying in tonight?
Yeah, if we can get the rest of you on your way.
That's her sweet way of saying, "get the hell out."
To me, she always just says, "get the hell out."
aw, Vince, get the hell out.
I'm ready.
Is Larry here?
Hey, first of all, it's Harry.
And second of all, you can't let him see you
dressed like that.
What's wrong with my outfit?
Nothing, but these are supposed to look like
they're on the inside trying to get out
not on the outside trying to get in.
I've tried controlling them, but they kind of have
a mind of their own.
Well, if you can't reason with them
then strap them down.
Are you talking about a bra?
At least. Go.
Am I doing a good deed or taping a hamster to a skyrocket?
Ah, good, we beat the crowd.
Man, this place gonna be hopping
in a couple of hours.
A couple of hours?
I should've brought my comforter and bed linens.
No, man. You don't want to bring your bedroom here.
You want to bring them to your bedroom.
Socks, blue jeans, underpants.
And everything prewashed
so there's no nasty surprises.
A piece of information you might've shared
with me before we got here.
I'm carrying a basket full of funk.
No worries, your untidy-whities are gonna get washed
like, three or four times before the evening's out.
I might have to borrow some quarters from you.
[chuckles] I don't have any quarters.
See, I just got a crisp $100 bill, so I can walk up
to a lady and say, "Excuse me, can you break a hundred?
'Cause I don't have anything smaller."
If you didn't have anything smaller
why wouldn't you own your own washer and dryer?
Hey, you gonna ask a lot of questions or you want to listen
and learn something?
I'm sorry. I'm just nervous.
Now, just remember, they call it "getting lucky"
but luck is the residue of design.
That's why I brought a bottle of woolite
so I can offer a little cap full for their delicates.
Thus bringing up the topic
of their panties and undergarments
without mentioning their unmentionables.
This is not my first time at the laundromat.
Hey-ey-ey, don't load the dryer next to mine.
Why not?
Questioning me again. We've got to spread out.
Otherwise, they're gonna think we're a gay couple.
Got it.
But if we were a gay couple
we would not be spending Valentine's Day in a laundromat.
- What? - I'm just saying..
I'd insist you take me someplace nice.
[sighs] You know what?
I don't think he's coming.
Oh, it's probably just traffic
it being, you know, Valentine's Day and all.
Yeah. Could be anything. Maybe he stepped in front of a bus.
Or maybe the line at the florist is long.
I'm-I'm sure he's not standing you up, right, Mike?
No way.
Well, I'm not just gonna
sit around here wasting my time.
I'll be upstairs smoking a bowl.
Don't get too comfortable.
Any minute, that-that sweet fella
is gonna be at our front door.
[whispers] Where is that idiot?
I didn't want to set Harry up
with your sister in the first place.
Don't split hairs. Just call him.
I'm not getting in the middle of this.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day.
Do you want to get lucky tonight or not?
You're ovulating now, you got no choice.
Damn it. Just call him!
Fine.
[cell phone ringing in distance]
[ringing continues]
Don't be mad at me.
And if you hit me, don't hit me in the face
'cause I'm getting a new Costco Card on Monday.
What are you doing out here, Harry?
Victoria's been waiting for you all night.
I can't do this, Mike.
I'm standing on a crescent moon reaching for a star
and it's too far to fall.
'Kay, save the poetry for the lady.
And why are you getting so nervous?
It's just dinner.
Dinner with an angel.
And I'm just a troll
with an inordinate amount of ear hair.
Don't talk about my friend Harry that way.
You're a great guy.
You're kind and you're sensitive..
...and one other thing.
But what if I blow it and ruin my last chance at love?
Well, pal, I can't guarantee
that you and Victoria are gonna be a couple.
But I do know you're both good people
who deserve to be happy.
It's so easy for you.
What are you talking about?
You didn't know me before I met Molly.
- I was a mess. - Impossible.
It's true, I'd hide out in my apartment
with my two best friends, Ho Ho and Ding Dong.
Are they really spending tonight at the laundromat?
Yes, they are.
But you're not.
You're here, you're looking good
and you got a sweet woman waiting for you.
You really think I can do this?
Hey, before I went out with Molly
I had the same doubts as you.
It's scary to put yourself out there.
But I did, and look at us now.
Completely and totally in love.
Where the hell have you been?
- Harry's here. - Oh, hi!
Come on in. Victoria!
He's here!
Aw, don't you look great. Oh, she's gonna love the flowers.
Actually, these are for you.
Thank you for making a dream come true.
There it is. There's that sweet side.
Just...just show her that
and she won't even notice that hair.
[blowing]
Hey, Harry.
You look very handsome.
Just breathe and don't lock your knees.
Olympia Dukakis, Olympia Dukakis..
Probably this location.
[sighs]
I bet the laundromat near the bus station
is crawling with lonely, dejected tail
looking to get out of town.
Plus, if they can't afford to fly
they ain't gonna be too picky.
Carl, can we please just go home
while we have a little bit of dignity
and some of our clothes still fit us?
Hey, don't be a quitter.
This is the time of night when Valentine's dates go bad.
Soon, the streets are gonna be filled with crying women
walking home carrying their high heels.
So, you're suggesting we drive around
offering sobbing women a ride home?
Well, not from inside the car. That's creepy.
No, y-you park around the corner
get out and just happen to be walking in the opposite
direction when they pass by.
"Excuse me, miss. Is everything okay?
"Aw.
"There, there.
"Everything's just gonna be fine.
Carl's here."
I've said it once, I'll say it again
you, sir, are a perverted genius.
[dryer buzzes]
Oh! My thong underwear's dry.
[theme music]