1 00:00:02,611 --> 00:00:04,830 [woman on TV] 'A baby is the beginning of all things' 2 00:00:04,917 --> 00:00:08,747 'and the most beautiful experience a woman can have.' 3 00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,880 'It's a time of wonder' 4 00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:14,231 'celebrating the miracle of nature.' 5 00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:15,754 What you watching, Mol? 6 00:00:15,841 --> 00:00:19,236 Oh, a documentary on, uh, natural childbirth 7 00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:20,455 when I do finally get pregnant 8 00:00:20,542 --> 00:00:22,109 I want to know what all my options are. 9 00:00:22,196 --> 00:00:23,762 Well, I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way 10 00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:25,068 loaded on painkillers, screaming 11 00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,070 "Get this thing out of me!" 12 00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,985 Well, that's always a fallback, but.. 13 00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:32,249 I'm actually curious about this underwater birthing. 14 00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,686 Oh, that's why she's squatting naked 15 00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:36,949 in that swimming pool. 16 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,690 Correct. Yeah. 17 00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:40,823 They say that the warm water helps relax you 18 00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:42,520 and, you know, makes for a.. 19 00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,740 ...a less traumatic transition for the baby. 20 00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:46,959 Sure. I guess, as long as all the other people 21 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,527 at the pool don't mind. 22 00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,573 No, you're not doing it at the Y. 23 00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:53,270 They won't even let you swim without a cap.. 24 00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:56,534 [gasps] Oh, she's going into labor. 25 00:00:56,621 --> 00:00:57,840 This is so beautiful. 26 00:00:57,927 --> 00:00:59,755 I think I'm getting a little choked up. 27 00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:01,670 Right. This really is a miracle. 28 00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:04,368 [woman screaming on TV] 29 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,414 - Oh, God! - Here it comes! 30 00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:10,244 [woman on TV] 'Finally, the baby is released gently' 31 00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:12,333 'into the warm water.' 32 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,030 - God! - Oh, my God! 33 00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,901 - Oh, God! - What are you watching? 34 00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:18,121 Is it shark week again? 35 00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:21,255 No, it's a video of natural childbirth. 36 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,300 That's horrifying! Thanks a lot. 37 00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:25,868 I was just going to the kitchen to get something to eat. 38 00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:27,217 What are you doing now? 39 00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:30,090 Going to the kitchen to get something to eat. 40 00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,570 Forget this. Just pump me full of drugs and booze. 41 00:01:32,657 --> 00:01:34,442 Done and done. 42 00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,661 Oh, my god, she's biting through the umbilical cord! 43 00:01:36,748 --> 00:01:40,709 Yuck! It's like watching mike eat calamari. 44 00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,667 Seriously, just give me a spine full of morphine 45 00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:44,974 and a bellyful of hooch, I want that baby coming out 46 00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:47,455 pie-eyed and singing "Danny Boy." 47 00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:52,938 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 48 00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:56,812 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 49 00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:11,000 So, you and molly got any big plans for Valentine's Day? 50 00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:12,915 We're having dinner at home and then baby sex 51 00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:15,135 which is just like regular sex but with half the passion 52 00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:17,876 and twice the worry. 53 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:19,269 It's still sex, though. 54 00:02:19,356 --> 00:02:20,662 I didn't say bad, just different. 55 00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:23,665 Like pineapple on pizza. 56 00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:26,015 Since I don't have a special lady in my life this year 57 00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,451 I'm just gonna lay low. 58 00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:29,105 By "laying low," you mean driving around 59 00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:32,891 trolling for sad, dateless women at bus stops and bridges? 60 00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:36,417 If they're ready to jump, they might as well jump on me. 61 00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:37,461 And pardon me for caring about ladies 62 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:38,810 going through a rough patch. 63 00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:40,203 Yeah, you're quite the humanitarian 64 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:43,424 always willing to lend a helping penis. 65 00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:45,643 Say whatever you want but I've cleaned up my act a lot. 66 00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:50,082 It's been a long time since I've trolled for bus-pass ass. 67 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,476 Not since the "she-male incident" of '08. 68 00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:54,043 [laughs] 69 00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:57,307 You spent the whole night crying and gargling. 70 00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:01,833 Learned a lot of lessons that night. 71 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,487 Which I'm gonna pass on to Samuel. 72 00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:05,924 That boy is desperate for an experienced mentor. 73 00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:07,926 Carl, please quit talking about me 74 00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:10,407 like I'm your make-a-wish kid. 75 00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,322 Don't let him drag you into his sickness. 76 00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:15,238 It's not right taking advantage of sad, vulnerable women. 77 00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:17,240 Don't listen to him, I got plans to meet ladies this year 78 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:20,287 that's so good it surprised even me. 79 00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:22,419 Alright, but I am not going to throw myself 80 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,421 in front of a hot woman's car again. 81 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:29,470 That was dangerous, stupid, and she didn't even slow down. 82 00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,732 Well, that says more about society 83 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:32,255 than it does about the plan. 84 00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:33,343 You take that scheme to Europe 85 00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,998 and we'd get all kinds of tail. 86 00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:38,130 Here's an idea, Samuel, find a girl you like 87 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,307 ask her out on a date... on your own. 88 00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:43,048 Man, quit filling his head with crazy ideas! 89 00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:45,312 You're gonna have him going to singles bars and nightclubs 90 00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:47,575 which is a lot of work, a lot of money, a lot of talk 91 00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,141 and not to mention the competition. 92 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:52,014 I do have certain financial restrictions. 93 00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:53,624 And the accent gets them to look at me 94 00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,496 but eventually they realize my credit cards 95 00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:58,107 are made of cardboard and came with my wallet. 96 00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,458 That's why you and me are going off the grid. 97 00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:02,677 A place where lonely women go 98 00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:04,592 to forget all about Valentine's Day. 99 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:08,726 You talking a liquor store or Baskin-Robbins? 100 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,598 Better. A place where a single man can stroll in 101 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:11,816 with no agenda other than 102 00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,557 "Hey, can I borrow a cup of detergent?" 103 00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:18,214 Oh, no. You're gonna try and get laid at a laundromat? 104 00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:21,391 Two quarters in a dryer gets you 30 minutes to chat up a gal. 105 00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,611 At a club, you're buying five-dollar appletinis 106 00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:25,308 which gets you maybe three minutes and she can walk away 107 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,180 whenever she wants. 108 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,748 That dryer full of underpants is like a chain around her neck. 109 00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:41,150 I'm sorry, you can't argue with the math or the logic. 110 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:46,373 You, sir, are a perverted genius. 111 00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:48,766 I've got a beautiful, filthy mind. 112 00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:54,294 Hi. My name's Mike, and I'm an overeater. 113 00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:55,599 [all] Hi, Mike. 114 00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,384 Well, I sailed through the holidays 115 00:04:57,471 --> 00:04:59,124 without over-stuffing my stocking. 116 00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:00,865 And the great thing about tofurkey is 117 00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:03,172 you never want seconds. 118 00:05:03,259 --> 00:05:07,611 But it did help me lose what is now a total of 40 pounds. 119 00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:10,005 Did he really crack the big 4-0? 120 00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:11,398 Actually, thirty-eight and a half 121 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,878 but I'm gonna let him have his moment. 122 00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,184 But I didn't come here to brag. 123 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,578 Yes, he did. 124 00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:19,884 I'm just here to inspire and encourage 125 00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,973 because if I can do it, you can do it. 126 00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:24,585 All it takes is submitting to this simple program 127 00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:26,151 and being married to a wonderful woman 128 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:29,372 who will actually slap pizza out of your hand. 129 00:05:29,459 --> 00:05:32,593 Truthfully, I had to tear it out of his teeth. 130 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,509 Yeah, it's like getting a sock away from a dog. 131 00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,989 Alright, I think we have time for one more share. 132 00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:39,643 I better get this over with. 133 00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:41,645 Walk of shame... I'm up four pounds. 134 00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:45,345 - Stay strong. - We can't all be winners. 135 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:48,086 Hi. My name is Harry, and I am an over-eater. 136 00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:49,218 [all] Hi, harry. 137 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:50,959 I had a rather tumultuous week 138 00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:55,267 and I'm sad to report... that I am up four pounds. 139 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,878 - 'That is fine..' - This is depressing. 140 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:58,358 You want to get out of here? 141 00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,882 It's a support group. He sat through yours. 142 00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:04,320 But mine was inspiring. I gave these people a hero. 143 00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:07,323 Valentine's day is a particular trigger for me. 144 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:10,587 For, on that fateful day, I gave my heart 145 00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:12,937 to the love of my life 146 00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:16,767 'only to have her crush it like an empty slim-fast can.' 147 00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:19,770 Which she could do... on her forehead, even. 148 00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:21,598 'God, I loved that woman.' 149 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:25,254 See? He's losing the room. He can't follow me. 150 00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:26,734 'I showed up at our romantic dinner' 151 00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:28,953 with a two-pound box of chocolates 152 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,391 and a three-quarter-carat engagement ring. 153 00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:33,567 I'm guessing it ended with she threw the ring at him 154 00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:35,699 and he ate the two-pound box of candy. 155 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,832 She threw the ring at me 156 00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:40,051 and I ate the two-pound box of candy. 157 00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,401 I called it, right? 158 00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:44,099 Get off your high horse, this man is hurting. 159 00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:48,277 That was ten years and 113 pounds ago. 160 00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,627 As hard as it is for me to even think 161 00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:53,717 of putting myself out there.. 162 00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:57,373 ...somewhere underneath this protective layer.. 163 00:06:57,460 --> 00:07:00,332 ...there's still a beating heart 164 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,465 'ready to love again.' 165 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,948 Grab your purse. Let's beat the traffic. 166 00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,172 I'll bet Harry trotted out that sob story 167 00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:17,001 so everyone would forget about the guy that lost 40 pounds. 168 00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:18,699 Mike! 169 00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,223 Too bad stealing spotlights doesn't burn calories. 170 00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:23,921 You know, this weight loss is making you kind of a jerk. 171 00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:26,315 [chuckles] Right? 172 00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:28,404 You know, my heart really goes out to Harry. 173 00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:30,319 I-I get that he can be a little annoying 174 00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,060 and kind of a know-it-all.. 175 00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:35,411 And his clothes are weird and his breath is bad. 176 00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:38,240 Sometimes he forgets to wipe those little crusty things 177 00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:40,895 out from the corner of his eyes. 178 00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,984 His nose hairs looks like there's a family of spiders 179 00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,725 living in there. 180 00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:47,467 But nevertheless, he still deserves love. 181 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,251 I agree. You know, I told him to try 182 00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,209 one of those international dating sites. 183 00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:52,820 Really? Even with all the single women 184 00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,125 right here in Chicago? 185 00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:55,518 Well, I think the language barrier 186 00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:57,172 would really play in his favor. 187 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,653 Vietnamese girl, maybe Cambodian.. 188 00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,177 Any of your war-ravaged countries. 189 00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:06,964 I think it's a horrible idea 190 00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:08,618 fixing your sister up with Harry. 191 00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:11,142 Why not? They're both available, lovely people. 192 00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,753 Yeah, but this isn't a fairy tale. 193 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,276 The troll doesn't get the princess. 194 00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:17,105 He stays under the bridge with his riddles. 195 00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:19,281 Look, if she got to know the guy I saw tonight 196 00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,848 she could look past all the other.. 197 00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:23,633 - Atrocities? - Quirks. Okay? 198 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,983 He's a very sweet soul, and so is Victoria. 199 00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:28,769 Victoria is a show pony, Harry is a three-legged mule 200 00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:30,597 with an ass covered in flies. 201 00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:32,773 Victoria has dated nothing but jerks her entire life. 202 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,992 Maybe what she needs right now is a three-legged mule. 203 00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,690 Are we making three-legged mules? 204 00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:40,128 Because I think we're out of grapefruit juice and grenadine. 205 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,871 See? There's already kind of a language barrier built in. 206 00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,829 Victoria, you don't want to go out with Harry, do you? 207 00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:48,266 Mike, that's not how we do it, you ease into it. 208 00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:49,572 Who's Harry? Are we done here? 209 00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:51,182 Okay, alright. 210 00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:54,925 He is a really nice guy that we know from OA. 211 00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:58,668 And he's been over here several times. 212 00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:01,192 He bought you a karaoke machine at Christmas. 213 00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:03,455 Oh, the chunky guy with the sweater vest 214 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,153 and matronly upper arms? 215 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,677 Oh, you noticed his arms. 216 00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:10,680 Well, turns out, he is currently unattached. 217 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:13,988 Yeah. Catch him between disappointments. 218 00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:15,772 I got this. 219 00:09:15,859 --> 00:09:17,948 I know he's not the kind of guy you usually go out with 220 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,646 but, you know, I thought it's Valentine's Day 221 00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,125 and you're not doing anything. 222 00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:22,779 I am not gonna take his virginity 223 00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,347 'cause I don't do that anymore. 224 00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:26,740 It's like feeding squirrels at the park. 225 00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:30,221 Once word gets out, you're surrounded. 226 00:09:30,308 --> 00:09:32,180 I don't blame her... that guy's been storing his nuts 227 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:34,356 for 35 winters. 228 00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,227 Shush! 229 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:39,883 I just thought you might enjoy dinner out with a nice guy. 230 00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:43,104 He is always very sweet to me. 231 00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,714 I know he's a little rough around the edges 232 00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:46,498 but just look what I did with Mike. 233 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,718 - What did you do? - He has come a long way. 234 00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:51,242 Remember when he used to eat ravioli out of the can? 235 00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:54,158 I remember when he used to eat ravioli on the can. 236 00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:10,740 Look, if this is some sort of elaborate prank to see me cry 237 00:10:10,827 --> 00:10:12,916 you could have just played "wind beneath my wings" 238 00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:16,311 and saved us all a lot of time. 239 00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:17,486 Look, this is on the up-and-up. 240 00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:19,096 Victoria said yes, and quite frankly 241 00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:21,229 I'm as surprised as you are. 242 00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,231 You know, "surprise" doesn't even begin to address 243 00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:25,494 what's going on here. 244 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,714 No, this is matrix type stuff. 245 00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:30,673 This is an upside-down parallel universe. 246 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaking of the matrix 247 00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,372 should I get one of those long, black leather dusters? 248 00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:35,896 - It's very slimming. - No. 249 00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:38,159 Leather's not flattering on guys like you and me. 250 00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,595 No, he's right, if you're shaped like a football 251 00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:41,597 you shouldn't dress like one. 252 00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,338 Gentlemen. 253 00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,296 Welcome back to Andre's Big And Tall. 254 00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:46,341 Are you here to take advantage of our 255 00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:47,385 saint Valentine's Day blowout? 256 00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:48,996 And what's that, Cousin Andre? 257 00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:51,520 For every suit purchased, you get two boxes of candy. 258 00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:56,481 One for the lady and one for the car ride to pick up the lady. 259 00:10:56,568 --> 00:11:00,094 That is so smart. That way, you don't eat any of hers! 260 00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:03,663 - Man knows his clientele. - He's a marketing genius. 261 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:04,968 Actually, Andre, we're here to give 262 00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:06,970 our lucky lotto winner a complete makeover. 263 00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:08,363 Nothing too fancy, though. 264 00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:09,712 Just enough to get her to open the door 265 00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:11,583 after she peeks through the window. 266 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,282 Just so you know, I'm not afraid to take a fashion risk. 267 00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:15,718 I had you pegged as a daredevil 268 00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:18,199 the minute you walked in the door. 269 00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:19,722 Now, I'm thinking cocktail casual 270 00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,506 with just a splash of color. 271 00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:24,553 I've been told I look very good in turtlenecks. 272 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,642 I'm afraid your mama lied to you. 273 00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,603 Why don't I grab a couple of sporty options for you. 274 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,997 Meanwhile, dip a marshmallow or a piece of sponge cake 275 00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:37,566 into our complimentary chocolate fountain. 276 00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:39,568 - Ah, ah, ah. - Stay strong. 277 00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,352 You got a date with Victoria and your goal should be 278 00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,311 never having to shop here again. 279 00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:45,052 You are my rock. 280 00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:46,967 This is turning into an amazing day. 281 00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:51,014 And to think, last week, I was gonna jump in front of a bus. 282 00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:53,103 Don't build this up too much in your head, okay? 283 00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,236 It's just dinner out with a nice woman. 284 00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:59,240 "Nice woman?" No, she's a stone-cold fox. 285 00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:02,373 Just be yourself with Victoria, and everything will be fine. 286 00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:04,636 Be myself? I'm a socially awkward fat man 287 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,813 who has a tendency to talk too much! 288 00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,076 So you are aware of the talking thing? 289 00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:11,861 Yeah, you shouldn't talk at all. 290 00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:13,254 Women like the strong, silent type 291 00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:15,560 like Harrison Ford or Clint Eastwood. 292 00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,040 There you go, just pick a movie star 293 00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,129 and try to emulate them. 294 00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:22,742 I certainly love Olympia Dukakis. 295 00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,221 Alright, let's see if we can't turn 296 00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:26,571 our portly duckling into a sexy swan. 297 00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,573 I chose a breathable fabric 'cause you look like 298 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:32,229 the kind of a fella that moistens under pressure. 299 00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:34,318 Are you kidding? I pitted out as soon as I saw 300 00:12:34,405 --> 00:12:36,103 the chocolate fountain. 301 00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:40,585 [Joyce] Don't wait up. 302 00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:41,891 Vin and I are going to dinner 303 00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:45,503 and then seeing Dirty Cirque Du Soleil. 304 00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,984 It's basically the same as regular Cirque Du Soleil 305 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:51,814 but you see everybody's junk. 306 00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:54,861 Sounds romantic. I hope at least the clowns are covered up. 307 00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:59,213 Oh, yeah, you can stick a red nose on anything. 308 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,693 You and Mike are just staying in tonight? 309 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,435 Yeah, if we can get the rest of you on your way. 310 00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:06,611 That's her sweet way of saying, "get the hell out." 311 00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:09,092 To me, she always just says, "get the hell out." 312 00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:11,878 aw, Vince, get the hell out. 313 00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,186 I'm ready. 314 00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,797 Is Larry here? 315 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,320 Hey, first of all, it's Harry. 316 00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:21,104 And second of all, you can't let him see you 317 00:13:21,191 --> 00:13:22,497 dressed like that. 318 00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:24,020 What's wrong with my outfit? 319 00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,413 Nothing, but these are supposed to look like 320 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:26,762 they're on the inside trying to get out 321 00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:30,461 not on the outside trying to get in. 322 00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,289 I've tried controlling them, but they kind of have 323 00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,378 a mind of their own. 324 00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:35,771 Well, if you can't reason with them 325 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:36,859 then strap them down. 326 00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:37,947 Are you talking about a bra? 327 00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,819 At least. Go. 328 00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:45,563 Am I doing a good deed or taping a hamster to a skyrocket? 329 00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:55,704 Ah, good, we beat the crowd. 330 00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:59,142 Man, this place gonna be hopping 331 00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,709 in a couple of hours. 332 00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:02,276 A couple of hours? 333 00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:05,409 I should've brought my comforter and bed linens. 334 00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:07,150 No, man. You don't want to bring your bedroom here. 335 00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:09,457 You want to bring them to your bedroom. 336 00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,372 Socks, blue jeans, underpants. 337 00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:12,416 And everything prewashed 338 00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:15,376 so there's no nasty surprises. 339 00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:16,943 A piece of information you might've shared 340 00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:19,684 with me before we got here. 341 00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:23,036 I'm carrying a basket full of funk. 342 00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:24,951 No worries, your untidy-whities are gonna get washed 343 00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:27,127 like, three or four times before the evening's out. 344 00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,259 I might have to borrow some quarters from you. 345 00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:31,435 [chuckles] I don't have any quarters. 346 00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,524 See, I just got a crisp $100 bill, so I can walk up 347 00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:34,961 to a lady and say, "Excuse me, can you break a hundred? 348 00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:37,964 'Cause I don't have anything smaller." 349 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,924 If you didn't have anything smaller 350 00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:44,927 why wouldn't you own your own washer and dryer? 351 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,410 Hey, you gonna ask a lot of questions or you want to listen 352 00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:50,890 and learn something? 353 00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:52,848 I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. 354 00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:54,545 Now, just remember, they call it "getting lucky" 355 00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,721 but luck is the residue of design. 356 00:14:56,808 --> 00:14:59,550 That's why I brought a bottle of woolite 357 00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:03,119 so I can offer a little cap full for their delicates. 358 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,425 Thus bringing up the topic 359 00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:06,253 of their panties and undergarments 360 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:09,996 without mentioning their unmentionables. 361 00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,823 This is not my first time at the laundromat. 362 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,825 Hey-ey-ey, don't load the dryer next to mine. 363 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,392 Why not? 364 00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:19,092 Questioning me again. We've got to spread out. 365 00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:22,095 Otherwise, they're gonna think we're a gay couple. 366 00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,619 Got it. 367 00:15:24,706 --> 00:15:26,229 But if we were a gay couple 368 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:29,798 we would not be spending Valentine's Day in a laundromat. 369 00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,365 - What? - I'm just saying.. 370 00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,628 I'd insist you take me someplace nice. 371 00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:45,770 [sighs] You know what? 372 00:15:45,857 --> 00:15:47,250 I don't think he's coming. 373 00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:48,860 Oh, it's probably just traffic 374 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,472 it being, you know, Valentine's Day and all. 375 00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:55,258 Yeah. Could be anything. Maybe he stepped in front of a bus. 376 00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:57,869 Or maybe the line at the florist is long. 377 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,872 I'm-I'm sure he's not standing you up, right, Mike? 378 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:01,961 No way. 379 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,353 Well, I'm not just gonna 380 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:04,833 sit around here wasting my time. 381 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,054 I'll be upstairs smoking a bowl. 382 00:16:08,141 --> 00:16:09,794 Don't get too comfortable. 383 00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:11,796 Any minute, that-that sweet fella 384 00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:13,973 is gonna be at our front door. 385 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,018 [whispers] Where is that idiot? 386 00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,367 I didn't want to set Harry up 387 00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:18,716 with your sister in the first place. 388 00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:20,109 Don't split hairs. Just call him. 389 00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:21,458 I'm not getting in the middle of this. 390 00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,243 Hey, it's Valentine's Day. 391 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:24,766 Do you want to get lucky tonight or not? 392 00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:28,030 You're ovulating now, you got no choice. 393 00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:30,250 Damn it. Just call him! 394 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,948 Fine. 395 00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:38,171 [cell phone ringing in distance] 396 00:16:43,698 --> 00:16:46,048 [ringing continues] 397 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,487 Don't be mad at me. 398 00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:52,446 And if you hit me, don't hit me in the face 399 00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:56,189 'cause I'm getting a new Costco Card on Monday. 400 00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:57,494 What are you doing out here, Harry? 401 00:16:57,581 --> 00:16:59,627 Victoria's been waiting for you all night. 402 00:16:59,714 --> 00:17:02,064 I can't do this, Mike. 403 00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,023 I'm standing on a crescent moon reaching for a star 404 00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:06,068 and it's too far to fall. 405 00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:08,288 'Kay, save the poetry for the lady. 406 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,550 And why are you getting so nervous? 407 00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:10,855 It's just dinner. 408 00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:12,727 Dinner with an angel. 409 00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:14,163 And I'm just a troll 410 00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:17,253 with an inordinate amount of ear hair. 411 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,299 Don't talk about my friend Harry that way. 412 00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:20,604 You're a great guy. 413 00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:23,172 You're kind and you're sensitive.. 414 00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:26,610 ...and one other thing. 415 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:30,614 But what if I blow it and ruin my last chance at love? 416 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:33,313 Well, pal, I can't guarantee 417 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,142 that you and Victoria are gonna be a couple. 418 00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:38,100 But I do know you're both good people 419 00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:40,668 who deserve to be happy. 420 00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:42,365 It's so easy for you. 421 00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:43,845 What are you talking about? 422 00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,325 You didn't know me before I met Molly. 423 00:17:45,412 --> 00:17:47,196 - I was a mess. - Impossible. 424 00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:49,546 It's true, I'd hide out in my apartment 425 00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:53,507 with my two best friends, Ho Ho and Ding Dong. 426 00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:56,379 Are they really spending tonight at the laundromat? 427 00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,252 Yes, they are. 428 00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:01,080 But you're not. 429 00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,561 You're here, you're looking good 430 00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:07,086 and you got a sweet woman waiting for you. 431 00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:08,870 You really think I can do this? 432 00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:10,611 Hey, before I went out with Molly 433 00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:12,787 I had the same doubts as you. 434 00:18:12,874 --> 00:18:15,094 It's scary to put yourself out there. 435 00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,705 But I did, and look at us now. 436 00:18:17,792 --> 00:18:21,100 Completely and totally in love. 437 00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:26,453 Where the hell have you been? 438 00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:29,238 - Harry's here. - Oh, hi! 439 00:18:29,325 --> 00:18:30,457 Come on in. Victoria! 440 00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,633 He's here! 441 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,244 Aw, don't you look great. Oh, she's gonna love the flowers. 442 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,420 Actually, these are for you. 443 00:18:37,507 --> 00:18:41,250 Thank you for making a dream come true. 444 00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:45,428 There it is. There's that sweet side. 445 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:48,257 Just...just show her that 446 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:49,867 and she won't even notice that hair. 447 00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:51,565 [blowing] 448 00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:57,092 Hey, Harry. 449 00:18:57,179 --> 00:19:00,400 You look very handsome. 450 00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:02,793 Just breathe and don't lock your knees. 451 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,492 Olympia Dukakis, Olympia Dukakis.. 452 00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:24,554 Probably this location. 453 00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:25,947 [sighs] 454 00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,557 I bet the laundromat near the bus station 455 00:19:27,644 --> 00:19:29,342 is crawling with lonely, dejected tail 456 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,866 looking to get out of town. 457 00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:33,041 Plus, if they can't afford to fly 458 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:36,305 they ain't gonna be too picky. 459 00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,177 Carl, can we please just go home 460 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,569 while we have a little bit of dignity 461 00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:42,746 and some of our clothes still fit us? 462 00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,531 Hey, don't be a quitter. 463 00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:47,273 This is the time of night when Valentine's dates go bad. 464 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,536 Soon, the streets are gonna be filled with crying women 465 00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:52,539 walking home carrying their high heels. 466 00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,367 So, you're suggesting we drive around 467 00:19:54,454 --> 00:19:56,238 offering sobbing women a ride home? 468 00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:59,067 Well, not from inside the car. That's creepy. 469 00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,201 No, y-you park around the corner 470 00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,854 get out and just happen to be walking in the opposite 471 00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:06,379 direction when they pass by. 472 00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:08,816 "Excuse me, miss. Is everything okay? 473 00:20:08,903 --> 00:20:11,210 "Aw. 474 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,387 "There, there. 475 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,608 "Everything's just gonna be fine. 476 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:22,482 Carl's here." 477 00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,614 I've said it once, I'll say it again 478 00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:27,617 you, sir, are a perverted genius. 479 00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:28,792 [dryer buzzes] 480 00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:31,273 Oh! My thong underwear's dry. 481 00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,368 [theme music]