1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:05,179
So my hormone levels are good?

2
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:08,399
More than good.
They're outstanding, yes.

3
00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:11,489
My soil is ripe for the
planting, Farmer Mike.

4
00:00:11,576 --> 00:00:12,795
Who are you talking to?

5
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,536
My doctor.
He got my test results.

6
00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:16,233
Oh, good, for a second there,
I thought I was getting

7
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,366
roped into doing yard work.

8
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:20,672
Oh, thank you, yes,
I'm gonna start pounding

9
00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:22,370
those prenatal vitamins.

10
00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:25,242
I'm gonna have babies coming
out of my ears.

11
00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:26,896
I know where
they actually come out of.

12
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,290
The stork brings 'em, right?

13
00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:31,988
I'm kidding, I'm ki..
Hello?

14
00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:35,513
Why didn't you tell me
you went to the doctor?

15
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,950
I did tell you, I told you
last week I had an appointment

16
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,387
with my gynecologist.

17
00:00:39,474 --> 00:00:41,563
You know I always tune
you out at "gyn."

18
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,086
Certain things I like kept
a mystery.

19
00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:44,827
Your lady business
is one of them.

20
00:00:44,914 --> 00:00:47,656
And how they make pickle
and pimiento loaf is the other.

21
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,441
Well, I'm glad
I made the variety pack.

22
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:52,182
So, are you worried
or something?

23
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:54,097
'Cause you said getting pregnant
could take up to a year.

24
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,665
No, it can, I just wanted
confirmation that I'm healthy

25
00:00:56,752 --> 00:00:59,885
and not sending your troops
on a kamikaze mission.

26
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:02,453
[doorbell ringing]
Cut the metaphors,
let's talk like adults.

27
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,020
Is there something wrong
with my pee-pee?

28
00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:08,503
Good evening, madam.

29
00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:12,376
- Are you the lady of the house?
- Come on, Mike, you know me.

30
00:01:12,463 --> 00:01:14,552
I like to be thorough
and ahead of the game.

31
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:17,425
[doorbell rings]

32
00:01:17,512 --> 00:01:18,948
Vince, do you mind?

33
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,689
Mike and I are trying to
have a serious conversation.

34
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,865
What is more serious
than a house

35
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,650
full of dirt and dust mites?

36
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,391
Dare I say nothing?

37
00:01:27,478 --> 00:01:29,915
And even though your house
appears to be clean

38
00:01:30,002 --> 00:01:32,831
to the naked eye,
trust me when I tell you

39
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:34,877
you are living in filth.

40
00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:38,402
Good evening, sir.
You have a lovely home.

41
00:01:38,489 --> 00:01:39,795
What the hell is he doing?

42
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:42,406
He got a part-time job
selling vacuum cleaners.

43
00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:45,583
Not just any vacuum cleaner,
this is the Cutlass Supreme

44
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,933
of all in one
home cleaning devices.

45
00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:51,850
Seriously,
I was more worried about me.

46
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:54,331
As a kid I used to ride my bike
over the railroad tracks.

47
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:55,941
I wanted to make sure
nothing got rattled loose.

48
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:57,552
Hey, I rode a boy's bike.

49
00:01:57,639 --> 00:01:59,162
You know how many times
I bounced off that seat

50
00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,946
and gave myself
a seven-ten split?

51
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:04,036
If you're really
worried about it

52
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,734
why don't you get
tested like I did?

53
00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:07,649
Easy for you,
you just got to lay back

54
00:02:07,736 --> 00:02:09,825
put your feet up, and thumb
through good housekeeping.

55
00:02:09,912 --> 00:02:11,566
Mike, that's a pedicure.

56
00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:14,134
You really don't know how
the pickle loaf is made.

57
00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:17,093
Hey, where are you going? I'm
not done with my demonstration.

58
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:19,965
Yeah, you're doing great. Do the
steps, then leave me a brochure.

59
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:25,754
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

60
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:30,150
♪ I see love ♪♪

61
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:45,600
Women, they tell you
everything's fine, next thing

62
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,993
you know, they're pointing an
accusing finger at your crotch.

63
00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:50,866
Well, I understand
Molly's concern.

64
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:53,085
You're over 35, you sit on your
big behind all day

65
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,479
and with a cell phone
in your front pocket.

66
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:58,003
That radiation is wreaking
havoc on your precious cargo.

67
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:00,876
Man, you might as well
just put your junk

68
00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:02,399
in a microwave
and hit the popcorn button.

69
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:07,404
If that were really true, they'd
put a warning label on a phone.

70
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:08,753
Mm, like a little sticker
with two balls

71
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:09,798
and a red line through it?

72
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,062
Government don't care
about your scrotum

73
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:14,803
they just want your money.

74
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,761
Everything's a
conspiracy with you.

75
00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,937
It's all around you,
you just got to open your eyes

76
00:03:19,024 --> 00:03:20,330
and don't get me started
about microwave ovens.

77
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,027
Here we go.

78
00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:23,333
How much time do you spend

79
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:24,465
standing in front of
one of those things?

80
00:03:24,552 --> 00:03:26,336
Until it dings, Ralph Nader.

81
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:29,426
Two minutes, four times a day.

82
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:33,169
Breakfast burrito, lunch
burrito, pre-dinner burrito.

83
00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:34,736
I mean, you got to ask yourself,
do you want a baby

84
00:03:34,823 --> 00:03:37,217
or another burrito?

85
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,870
Hey, you know I want
to have a kid.

86
00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:40,568
That's why Molly and I have
been trying so hard.

87
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,744
Well, then you need to take
better care of your spermatozoa.

88
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:44,224
Start showing it
the same love and concern

89
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,487
you give a bag of M&M's.

90
00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:48,140
Maybe I could get
one of those lead bibs

91
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,621
from the dentist's office
and make a diaper out of it.

92
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:53,276
Hah! You joke, but that's the
way you need to be thinking.

93
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,278
In the meantime, you should just
go get your sperm tested.

94
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,454
Find out how many koi
you got swimming in your pond.

95
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,806
Oh, no, I'm not going to sit
in a cold, sterile room

96
00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:03,243
with a plastic cup in one hand

97
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,766
and an old porn magazine
in the other.

98
00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,158
Unless you have a third hand

99
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,552
you're going to be there
a very long time.

100
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:15,385
Plus, they've updated the porn.
There's Asian, German, French.

101
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:16,734
It's like going through
It's a Small World

102
00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:18,780
except all the puppets
are humping each other.

103
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:23,915
Hang on a second. You mean
you've actually donated sperm?

104
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:26,004
Hey, there are a lot of
childless couples out there.

105
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:30,095
It'd be a crime not to share
this genetic treasure chest.

106
00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:31,227
And they pay you to do that?

107
00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:33,055
75 bucks a pop.

108
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:35,231
That's how I paid
for the snow tires on my Blazer.

109
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,713
Oh, my God.

110
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,107
I'm sitting on a gold mine.

111
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,416
And to think how much money
has already slipped

112
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:48,026
through my fingers.

113
00:04:50,377 --> 00:04:51,856
Alright, I'm done eating.

114
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,515
Alright, another bottle
of Chardonnay for the ladies

115
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:01,257
and one fertility smoothie
for the mommy to be.

116
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,085
Hand over the Chardonnay.

117
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,870
No more kids for me.

118
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:08,395
Yeah, it's a smoothie, mom,
not a time machine.

119
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:13,530
Well, if it was,
first thing I'd do is go back

120
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:16,751
and get my pre baby knockers.

121
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:19,362
Boy, you girls sure left
those things for dead.

122
00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:26,326
Well, I'm sorry that we were
hungry and needed to live.

123
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:29,546
And most of that's on Molly.

124
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,156
You know, those kegs were
pretty well tapped

125
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:32,897
by the time I hit the party.

126
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:38,512
Back in the day,
these beauties could stop

127
00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:40,818
a whole high school
track team.

128
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:42,385
And that was just
flopping out one of them.

129
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,215
Well, I'm sorry being our
mother was such a burden.

130
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,348
Well, what's done is done.

131
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,308
Why are you drinking
that green sludge anyway?

132
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:53,788
Yeah, you said you
were dropping eggs

133
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,180
like a blind
chicken farmer.

134
00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:57,095
I'm just keeping
my uterus fresh.

135
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,488
It's just like doing, you know

136
00:05:58,575 --> 00:06:00,534
those crossword
puzzles for the brain.

137
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:02,797
Well, if you're fine,
it's probably the hubby.

138
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:04,842
He sits in front
of that microwave

139
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:07,279
like it's a television.

140
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,977
There's nothing wrong
with me or Mike.

141
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,414
It's just taking a little
longer than we expected.

142
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:13,503
Well, maybe his sperm
would have an easier time

143
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:14,939
finding your egg
if it came with a side

144
00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:16,114
of bacon and hash browns.

145
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:17,507
Mom.

146
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:22,947
Hey, Vin,
how'd it go out there?

147
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:25,602
I hate people.

148
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:28,823
They're stupid
and they live like animals.

149
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:32,043
I got enough hair in my roller
to open a wig store.

150
00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,959
Good, so you do have something
to fall back on.

151
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:40,487
Don't start with me, young lady.
I'm in no mood for your sass.

152
00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:42,445
Oh, I'm sorry.

153
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,752
What's your stand on back talk
or horseplay?

154
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:48,625
You spoiled these brats.

155
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:51,019
Why are you killing
yourself like this, huh?

156
00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:54,675
I told you, between my
pension and social security

157
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,328
we're gonna be fine.

158
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,897
Hey, I will make my own
money and pay my own way.

159
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:02,204
Vincent Moranto
is not a man whore.

160
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,556
Good, because that's
a living room demonstration

161
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,732
that no one needs to see.

162
00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:14,738
And to think,
after my first sale

163
00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:17,219
I was going to start giving
you girls an allowance.

164
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:23,225
-No more.
-Okay, well, hang on a minute.

165
00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,749
I was just kidding around,
you know.

166
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:28,448
How much are we talking about,
step pappy?

167
00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:31,886
He's so sensitive.

168
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:38,501
Eight, nine, ten.

169
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,329
Hey, what is
going on down here?

170
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:44,638
You looking to be Mr. January
in the policemen's calendar?

171
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,683
I just read that keeping
my blood flowing

172
00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:49,599
decreases stress and
increases sperm production.

173
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:51,427
Wow, working out and reading.

174
00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,429
Hello, handsome,
my name's Molly.

175
00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:57,128
I stopped by
the library to peruse

176
00:07:57,215 --> 00:07:59,000
a couple of books
on male fertility.

177
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:01,306
The ones that hadn't been
defaced by teenage perverts

178
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:03,700
were actually very helpful.

179
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:06,573
You should see what those kids
do to my health books at school.

180
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,183
They'll add hair to anything.

181
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:11,534
Anyway, it was very informative.

182
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,362
I had no idea
how important sperm is

183
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:14,842
to the reproductive process.

184
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:21,544
Maybe you should've gone
to the library a little sooner.

185
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:23,198
Did you know the shape
of the male sperm

186
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:24,939
can actually
determine its value?

187
00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:26,854
No, I thought they all came
pretty much the same shape

188
00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:29,378
like, uh, like Peeps.

189
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,467
No, golly, no,
some are better than others.

190
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:34,383
The optimal sperm has an oval
head, a slender midsection

191
00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:36,428
and a tail that moves
in a wavelike motion.

192
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,170
Oh, I had an uncle like that.
He was in the Ice Capades.

193
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,434
They are little athletes.

194
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,871
You got to feed 'em right
and keep 'em fit

195
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,829
so they'll be ready
for the big game.

196
00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:48,789
Oh, so, what time's
kick off, coach?

197
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:50,399
Sorry, ma'am, no game tonight.

198
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:52,357
All the books say abstaining
for a couple of days

199
00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,969
builds up your sperm count
and increases your odds

200
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,361
of fertilization.

201
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,625
Real nice, you get a lady
all hot and bothered

202
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,757
you're making muscles
and reading books.

203
00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:03,804
You're a tease, mister.

204
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:06,241
If you can't control yourself,
you better get out of here

205
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:09,418
'cause I can't do my curls
and fight you off.

206
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:12,769
One, two, three.

207
00:09:12,856 --> 00:09:15,163
Oh, yeah, guns a-blazing.

208
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,475
Oh, what time is it?

209
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,868
After midnight.

210
00:09:24,955 --> 00:09:26,653
You been down there
lifting weights all night?

211
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,089
No, I fell asleep
on the bench.

212
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,181
Well, at least it wasn't
on the toilet this time.

213
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,750
Scared the hell out of me
when I turned on that light.

214
00:09:39,622 --> 00:09:42,190
I don't know what it is about
reading, it just knocks me out.

215
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:44,975
Rough day out there today?

216
00:09:45,062 --> 00:09:46,629
I got more doors
slammed in my face

217
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:49,110
than a Jehovah's Witness
with a cold sore.

218
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:53,723
So you didn't
make one sale?

219
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:56,334
Negative, if you're standing
in front of a peephole

220
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:58,554
carrying a vacuum,
you might as well be wearing

221
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:01,905
a hockey mask, holding a
machete and a severed head.

222
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:06,823
Well, no offense, but
you can't blame the vacuum

223
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:09,173
for all of that, you're not
exactly a people person.

224
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:14,265
What are you talking about,
you big load? I'm beloved.

225
00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:17,660
You're right. Hey, can I buy one
of those vacuum cleaners of you?

226
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:21,055
- Really?
- No. You called me a big load.

227
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,752
That's mean.

228
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:26,321
Don't take it out on me because
your grapes are seedless.

229
00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:29,237
You don't know what
you're talking about.

230
00:10:29,324 --> 00:10:30,586
These things take time.

231
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,109
Take all the time
in the world.

232
00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:33,850
You can't fight genetics.

233
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:36,418
You're the only son
of an only son.

234
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:39,421
That's not a family tree,
that's a stump.

235
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:43,904
The Biggs don't
procreate out of love

236
00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,383
we do it because we need
someone to mow the lawn

237
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:46,820
or get the paper.

238
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:48,604
Well, you can ignore
the facts all you want

239
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:51,259
but I'm guessing there's
a goofy chromosome somewhere.

240
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,002
I did have an uncle
with alopecia.

241
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:57,961
Yikes, that no hair thing?

242
00:10:58,048 --> 00:10:59,746
Not a one.
Great guy though.

243
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,095
He used to give
me sips of beer

244
00:11:01,182 --> 00:11:03,140
and let me draw on his
eyebrows with a Sharpie.

245
00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:06,056
See, you never know.

246
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:09,277
I actually found out
there was an albino Moranto.

247
00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:11,932
Saw him at a family reunion,
I thought it was my ghost.

248
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:20,201
Pigs in a blanket, right out
of the oven and piping hot.

249
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:21,811
Let 'em cool this time.

250
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,509
I'm not buttering the top
of your mouth again.

251
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:26,511
I'd better not, mom,
Molly and I are eating healthier

252
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,252
now that we're trying
to have a baby.

253
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:31,429
Oh, princess trying
to sour you on weenies, huh?

254
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:32,604
Good luck with that.

255
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,607
You used to teethe
on a frozen one.

256
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,740
Maybe that's why I was
the only two year old with gout.

257
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:41,135
I just assumed
you weren't a walker.

258
00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:44,007
While we're on the subject
of gouty babies

259
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:46,575
did you and dad have
any trouble conceiving me?

260
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,229
Oh, it took a while.

261
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:52,755
Your old man had a hair trigger,
but his bullets meandered.

262
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:54,844
Is that why you didn't
have another kid?

263
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,498
Yeah, and I wanted
a little girl

264
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:58,369
but I couldn't go
through all that again.

265
00:11:58,456 --> 00:11:59,675
It was easier just
to throw a dress

266
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:01,285
on you every once in a while.

267
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:04,506
Thank you for that.
Molly loves those pictures.

268
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,856
You showed up just
in the nick of time too.

269
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:08,466
I was packed and ready to leave

270
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:11,643
and then that son of a bitch
finally delivered.

271
00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:14,908
So, if you hadn't
gotten pregnant

272
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,431
you were gonna leave him?

273
00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:20,478
Well, my mothering instincts
are marrow deep

274
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:23,481
and to deny a child that
precious love would be criminal.

275
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:25,048
Yeah.

276
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,442
And if your old man
hadn't knocked me up

277
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,661
I'd have found another
gin soaked bastard who could.

278
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:36,059
You look peaked, for God's sake
eat a weenie before you faint.

279
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:42,762
[instrumental music]

280
00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:53,337
What the hell is rubella?

281
00:12:53,424 --> 00:12:56,514
I think it's a chocolate
hazelnut spread.

282
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,778
- No, that's Nutella.
- Oh.

283
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:00,431
Good, 'cause if that's the list
of food you like

284
00:13:00,518 --> 00:13:02,999
you're gonna be here forever.

285
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:05,262
They want my entire
medical history.

286
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:06,829
Just say no to everything,
otherwise they are gonna

287
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,526
put you in the strange
mailing list.

288
00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:11,051
You end up getting
a rubella monthly.

289
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:14,532
No, rubella. No, diphtheria,
no, typhoid.

290
00:13:14,619 --> 00:13:17,274
By the way, I bought you some
erotic literature.

291
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:19,146
Help you stimulate the sexy.

292
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:21,931
You didn't put anything
weird in here, did you?

293
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:22,932
Well, define weird.

294
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:25,543
Anything you would like.

295
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:27,676
Oh, God. I gave you a nice
wholesome variety.

296
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,547
You know, meat potatoes.

297
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:32,376
In fact, that thing doesn't
want you calling meat potatoes.

298
00:13:32,463 --> 00:13:35,771
Naughty nurses, ride 'em
cowgirls, Asian antiques??

299
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:39,209
and old car new boobs,
I can make these work.

300
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:43,213
Now, just remember,
while you're in there

301
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,649
keep a positive attitude.

302
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:46,260
What are you talking about?

303
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,479
A man's sperm can be
affected by many things

304
00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:51,004
not just asparagus
and pineapple, okay?

305
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:54,007
Stress is also a factor.

306
00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:55,878
I'm not gonna lie to you,
I am a little worried.

307
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:57,575
I mean, what if I can't
give Molly a kid?

308
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,621
See, man, don't lay all that
on your sperm's tiny head.

309
00:13:59,708 --> 00:14:02,232
You got 'em panicking. They're
swimming around in circles.

310
00:14:02,319 --> 00:14:03,712
Seriously, Carl, I mean

311
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:05,148
she's been talking
about kids since I met her.

312
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:06,280
What if this is
a deal breaker?

313
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:09,022
No, stop it.
Stay positive.

314
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,719
Set an example for your
little white army.

315
00:14:12,895 --> 00:14:14,549
Alright, let's do this.

316
00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:17,334
Hey, you're gonna give
Molly a beautiful baby.

317
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,075
Just keep your eye
on the prize.

318
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:21,773
A-and don't skip over page 14
in Old Cars, New Boobs.

319
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,864
It's an ad for penis enlargers,
but i-i-it's hot as hell.

320
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,042
- Okay, wish me luck.
- Yeah.

321
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,173
I'd hug you, but I don't want
that in my head.

322
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:32,523
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

323
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:35,744
Break a leg, Mike.

324
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:38,790
Cha-ching. And here's my share
of the cable bill, Carl.

325
00:14:40,227 --> 00:14:41,750
Don't give it to me,
cash it in.

326
00:14:41,837 --> 00:14:44,492
This is great.
Easy money.

327
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,450
It's like an ATM
that accepts penises.

328
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:55,024
Can I go now?
I'm gonna miss my bus.

329
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:56,983
Well, you should've thought
of that before you made

330
00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:59,072
that disgusting sound
when I bent over

331
00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:01,248
and picked up the eraser.

332
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,076
Everybody else thought
it was funny.

333
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:04,991
You know what they're gonna
think is really funny?

334
00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:08,168
You being held back a grade.

335
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:11,084
You can't prove that that noise
didn't come out of you.

336
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:13,260
You realize that there are
no witnesses here, right?

337
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:16,176
Your family is gonna believe
whatever I tell them.

338
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,963
I thought I saw your car
in the parking lot.

339
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,617
Got you guarding
the reprobates, huh?

340
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:24,749
Oh, just a little
after school detention

341
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,882
for a rather
inappropriate young boy.

342
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,449
I know this one.

343
00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:32,148
What'd you do now,
Two Milk Marvin?

344
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:35,021
Disrupted my class
by making an obscene noise.

345
00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:37,762
Bronx cheer when you bend over
to pick something up?

346
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:42,158
Did the same thing to me
when I dropped my soup ladle.

347
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:44,682
He's gonna learn to behave
more like a gentleman.

348
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:45,814
Good luck with that.

349
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,294
By the placement of his eyes

350
00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:48,948
I'm guessing it's
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

351
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,777
- Your mama a drinker?
- Oh, my God.

352
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,910
Okay, Mark, go catch your bus.

353
00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:57,782
Lesson learned.

354
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,001
That ought to scare
him straight.

355
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:01,525
That actually spooked me
a little bit.

356
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:04,093
I'm not a Mollycoddler.
Here you go.

357
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:07,227
- My knock 'em up chowder.
- Wait, what is this?

358
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:10,491
Listen, slow sperm runs
in the Biggs family.

359
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:12,232
They get there eventually,
you just got to give them

360
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:13,494
a little boot
in the pooper.

361
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,019
Wait, Mike talked to you?

362
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:19,543
He's worried sick
he can't give you a baby

363
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:21,893
and he thinks that you'll
dump him if he doesn't.

364
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,417
What? Who told him that?

365
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:25,375
I have no idea.

366
00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:29,901
But even if his swimmers
are floundering around

367
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,165
there's things you can do
to help prime the pump.

368
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:34,384
Okay, I do not
feel comfortable

369
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:38,258
talking about Mike's pump
or how I prime it.

370
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:39,911
Cut out the fancy positions?

371
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,348
Missionaries know a lot more

372
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,306
than just how to get
Bibles to savages.

373
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:45,134
Okay, I'm grading some papers.

374
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:47,180
We're talking flat backed,
spread eagled

375
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:50,270
pretending he's Magnum, P.I.,
or whoever floats your boat.

376
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:53,403
Okay. Thanks for the soup.

377
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:55,927
Uh, I'll enjoy it
as soon as I..

378
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,365
...think I can hold it down.

379
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:00,106
It's not for you,
it's for him.

380
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:01,759
Add some cayenne
and Worcestershire.

381
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,283
He'll balk at the taste

382
00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:05,198
but you'll get the pounding
of a lifetime.

383
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,769
[cell phone rings]

384
00:17:14,555 --> 00:17:16,774
Aw, man, I fell asleep again.

385
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:18,602
I am done with reading.

386
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:21,866
Hey, Molly, what's going on?

387
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:23,955
Nothing, I just wanted
to check in with you

388
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,914
and tell you that I loved you.

389
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,611
[Mike]
'Aw, I love you too.'

390
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:30,658
And no matter what happens,
I'm never gonna stop loving you.

391
00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:33,487
Whether we have a baby
or we don't have a baby.

392
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:35,010
Yeah, but I know
how much you want one

393
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:36,664
and I don't want you
to be disappointed.

394
00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:38,666
Sweetie, it's not
about having a baby

395
00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:42,017
it's about having
a baby with you.

396
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:44,237
What if I can't
give you that?

397
00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:45,629
Then we'll deal
with that then.

398
00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:47,588
I mean, there are
a lot of options

399
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:50,069
none of which include
me walking away

400
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:53,072
from the best thing
that ever happened to me.

401
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:54,421
You mean me?

402
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,598
Of course, I mean you.

403
00:17:57,685 --> 00:17:59,382
'My big, sexy policeman.'

404
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,038
Go on.

405
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,518
And tonight, when you get home

406
00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:07,347
I'm gonna show you
how much I love you.

407
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:09,131
Well, what would you do first?

408
00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:12,917
What, you mean when I get home?

409
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:15,181
Probably hang up my purse
like I always do.

410
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,532
No, I mean,
what would you do to me?

411
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:24,190
Are you trying
to get me to have phone sex?

412
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:25,974
Where are you?

413
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:28,455
I'm at the sperm clinic
with an empty cup in my hand

414
00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:30,718
and two friends outside the door
making kissing noises.

415
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:33,416
Alright, let me lock the door.

416
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:35,026
I don't want your mom
walking in here again.

417
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,550
Aw, why'd you have
to bring her up?

418
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:39,118
Now we're gonna
have to start all over.

419
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,858
What are you wearing?

420
00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:51,652
A hundred and fifty million
just in that little cup?

421
00:18:51,739 --> 00:18:53,262
Hundred and fifty million.

422
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:57,179
We're rich.
We're sperm millionaires.

423
00:18:57,266 --> 00:19:00,313
A-and they're healthy
and shaped right? Oval heads?

424
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,663
- Big, oval heads.
- Just like daddy.

425
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:06,754
Thank you, doctor.

426
00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:10,410
What? I should have sex
with my wife right now?

427
00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:13,848
Yes, sir, I'll do it two times
and call you in the morning.

428
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:19,375
You heard the doctor.

429
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:21,377
He didn't say that,
you already hung up.

430
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:23,771
I know. I lied.
I'm a very bad boy.

431
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:27,296
- Alright, get upstairs.
- Yes, teacher.

432
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:30,299
[doorbell rings]

433
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:33,520
Good evening, ma'am.

434
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:36,175
I have two words for you
Solar energy.

435
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:40,091
Oh. I have two words for you.

436
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,793
[Vincent]
'Wouldn't be the first time
I heard 'em today!'

437
00:19:51,886 --> 00:19:52,930
[theme music]