So my hormone levels are good?
More than good. They're outstanding, yes.
My soil is ripe for the planting, Farmer Mike.
Who are you talking to?
My doctor. He got my test results.
Oh, good, for a second there, I thought I was getting
roped into doing yard work.
Oh, thank you, yes, I'm gonna start pounding
those prenatal vitamins.
I'm gonna have babies coming out of my ears.
I know where they actually come out of.
The stork brings 'em, right?
I'm kidding, I'm ki.. Hello?
Why didn't you tell me you went to the doctor?
I did tell you, I told you last week I had an appointment
with my gynecologist.
You know I always tune you out at "gyn."
Certain things I like kept a mystery.
Your lady business is one of them.
And how they make pickle and pimiento loaf is the other.
Well, I'm glad I made the variety pack.
So, are you worried or something?
'Cause you said getting pregnant could take up to a year.
No, it can, I just wanted confirmation that I'm healthy
and not sending your troops on a kamikaze mission.
[doorbell ringing] Cut the metaphors, let's talk like adults.
Is there something wrong with my pee-pee?
Good evening, madam.
- Are you the lady of the house? - Come on, Mike, you know me.
I like to be thorough and ahead of the game.
[doorbell rings]
Vince, do you mind?
Mike and I are trying to have a serious conversation.
What is more serious than a house
full of dirt and dust mites?
Dare I say nothing?
And even though your house appears to be clean
to the naked eye, trust me when I tell you
you are living in filth.
Good evening, sir. You have a lovely home.
What the hell is he doing?
He got a part-time job selling vacuum cleaners.
Not just any vacuum cleaner, this is the Cutlass Supreme
of all in one home cleaning devices.
Seriously, I was more worried about me.
As a kid I used to ride my bike over the railroad tracks.
I wanted to make sure nothing got rattled loose.
Hey, I rode a boy's bike.
You know how many times I bounced off that seat
and gave myself a seven-ten split?
If you're really worried about it
why don't you get tested like I did?
Easy for you, you just got to lay back
put your feet up, and thumb through good housekeeping.
Mike, that's a pedicure.
You really don't know how the pickle loaf is made.
Hey, where are you going? I'm not done with my demonstration.
Yeah, you're doing great. Do the steps, then leave me a brochure.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
Women, they tell you everything's fine, next thing
you know, they're pointing an accusing finger at your crotch.
Well, I understand Molly's concern.
You're over 35, you sit on your big behind all day
and with a cell phone in your front pocket.
That radiation is wreaking havoc on your precious cargo.
Man, you might as well just put your junk
in a microwave and hit the popcorn button.
If that were really true, they'd put a warning label on a phone.
Mm, like a little sticker with two balls
and a red line through it?
Government don't care about your scrotum
they just want your money.
Everything's a conspiracy with you.
It's all around you, you just got to open your eyes
and don't get me started about microwave ovens.
Here we go.
How much time do you spend
standing in front of one of those things?
Until it dings, Ralph Nader.
Two minutes, four times a day.
Breakfast burrito, lunch burrito, pre-dinner burrito.
I mean, you got to ask yourself, do you want a baby
or another burrito?
Hey, you know I want to have a kid.
That's why Molly and I have been trying so hard.
Well, then you need to take better care of your spermatozoa.
Start showing it the same love and concern
you give a bag of M&M's.
Maybe I could get one of those lead bibs
from the dentist's office and make a diaper out of it.
Hah! You joke, but that's the way you need to be thinking.
In the meantime, you should just go get your sperm tested.
Find out how many koi you got swimming in your pond.
Oh, no, I'm not going to sit in a cold, sterile room
with a plastic cup in one hand
and an old porn magazine in the other.
Unless you have a third hand
you're going to be there a very long time.
Plus, they've updated the porn. There's Asian, German, French.
It's like going through It's a Small World
except all the puppets are humping each other.
Hang on a second. You mean you've actually donated sperm?
Hey, there are a lot of childless couples out there.
It'd be a crime not to share this genetic treasure chest.
And they pay you to do that?
75 bucks a pop.
That's how I paid for the snow tires on my Blazer.
Oh, my God.
I'm sitting on a gold mine.
And to think how much money has already slipped
through my fingers.
Alright, I'm done eating.
Alright, another bottle of Chardonnay for the ladies
and one fertility smoothie for the mommy to be.
Hand over the Chardonnay.
No more kids for me.
Yeah, it's a smoothie, mom, not a time machine.
Well, if it was, first thing I'd do is go back
and get my pre baby knockers.
Boy, you girls sure left those things for dead.
Well, I'm sorry that we were hungry and needed to live.
And most of that's on Molly.
You know, those kegs were pretty well tapped
by the time I hit the party.
Back in the day, these beauties could stop
a whole high school track team.
And that was just flopping out one of them.
Well, I'm sorry being our mother was such a burden.
Well, what's done is done.
Why are you drinking that green sludge anyway?
Yeah, you said you were dropping eggs
like a blind chicken farmer.
I'm just keeping my uterus fresh.
It's just like doing, you know
those crossword puzzles for the brain.
Well, if you're fine, it's probably the hubby.
He sits in front of that microwave
like it's a television.
There's nothing wrong with me or Mike.
It's just taking a little longer than we expected.
Well, maybe his sperm would have an easier time
finding your egg if it came with a side
of bacon and hash browns.
Mom.
Hey, Vin, how'd it go out there?
I hate people.
They're stupid and they live like animals.
I got enough hair in my roller to open a wig store.
Good, so you do have something to fall back on.
Don't start with me, young lady. I'm in no mood for your sass.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What's your stand on back talk or horseplay?
You spoiled these brats.
Why are you killing yourself like this, huh?
I told you, between my pension and social security
we're gonna be fine.
Hey, I will make my own money and pay my own way.
Vincent Moranto is not a man whore.
Good, because that's a living room demonstration
that no one needs to see.
And to think, after my first sale
I was going to start giving you girls an allowance.
-No more. -Okay, well, hang on a minute.
I was just kidding around, you know.
How much are we talking about, step pappy?
He's so sensitive.
Eight, nine, ten.
Hey, what is going on down here?
You looking to be Mr. January in the policemen's calendar?
I just read that keeping my blood flowing
decreases stress and increases sperm production.
Wow, working out and reading.
Hello, handsome, my name's Molly.
I stopped by the library to peruse
a couple of books on male fertility.
The ones that hadn't been defaced by teenage perverts
were actually very helpful.
You should see what those kids do to my health books at school.
They'll add hair to anything.
Anyway, it was very informative.
I had no idea how important sperm is
to the reproductive process.
Maybe you should've gone to the library a little sooner.
Did you know the shape of the male sperm
can actually determine its value?
No, I thought they all came pretty much the same shape
like, uh, like Peeps.
No, golly, no, some are better than others.
The optimal sperm has an oval head, a slender midsection
and a tail that moves in a wavelike motion.
Oh, I had an uncle like that. He was in the Ice Capades.
They are little athletes.
You got to feed 'em right and keep 'em fit
so they'll be ready for the big game.
Oh, so, what time's kick off, coach?
Sorry, ma'am, no game tonight.
All the books say abstaining for a couple of days
builds up your sperm count and increases your odds
of fertilization.
Real nice, you get a lady all hot and bothered
you're making muscles and reading books.
You're a tease, mister.
If you can't control yourself, you better get out of here
'cause I can't do my curls and fight you off.
One, two, three.
Oh, yeah, guns a-blazing.
Oh, what time is it?
After midnight.
You been down there lifting weights all night?
No, I fell asleep on the bench.
Well, at least it wasn't on the toilet this time.
Scared the hell out of me when I turned on that light.
I don't know what it is about reading, it just knocks me out.
Rough day out there today?
I got more doors slammed in my face
than a Jehovah's Witness with a cold sore.
So you didn't make one sale?
Negative, if you're standing in front of a peephole
carrying a vacuum, you might as well be wearing
a hockey mask, holding a machete and a severed head.
Well, no offense, but you can't blame the vacuum
for all of that, you're not exactly a people person.
What are you talking about, you big load? I'm beloved.
You're right. Hey, can I buy one of those vacuum cleaners of you?
- Really? - No. You called me a big load.
That's mean.
Don't take it out on me because your grapes are seedless.
You don't know what you're talking about.
These things take time.
Take all the time in the world.
You can't fight genetics.
You're the only son of an only son.
That's not a family tree, that's a stump.
The Biggs don't procreate out of love
we do it because we need someone to mow the lawn
or get the paper.
Well, you can ignore the facts all you want
but I'm guessing there's a goofy chromosome somewhere.
I did have an uncle with alopecia.
Yikes, that no hair thing?
Not a one. Great guy though.
He used to give me sips of beer
and let me draw on his eyebrows with a Sharpie.
See, you never know.
I actually found out there was an albino Moranto.
Saw him at a family reunion, I thought it was my ghost.
Pigs in a blanket, right out of the oven and piping hot.
Let 'em cool this time.
I'm not buttering the top of your mouth again.
I'd better not, mom, Molly and I are eating healthier
now that we're trying to have a baby.
Oh, princess trying to sour you on weenies, huh?
Good luck with that.
You used to teethe on a frozen one.
Maybe that's why I was the only two year old with gout.
I just assumed you weren't a walker.
While we're on the subject of gouty babies
did you and dad have any trouble conceiving me?
Oh, it took a while.
Your old man had a hair trigger, but his bullets meandered.
Is that why you didn't have another kid?
Yeah, and I wanted a little girl
but I couldn't go through all that again.
It was easier just to throw a dress
on you every once in a while.
Thank you for that. Molly loves those pictures.
You showed up just in the nick of time too.
I was packed and ready to leave
and then that son of a bitch finally delivered.
So, if you hadn't gotten pregnant
you were gonna leave him?
Well, my mothering instincts are marrow deep
and to deny a child that precious love would be criminal.
Yeah.
And if your old man hadn't knocked me up
I'd have found another gin soaked bastard who could.
You look peaked, for God's sake eat a weenie before you faint.
[instrumental music]
What the hell is rubella?
I think it's a chocolate hazelnut spread.
- No, that's Nutella. - Oh.
Good, 'cause if that's the list of food you like
you're gonna be here forever.
They want my entire medical history.
Just say no to everything, otherwise they are gonna
put you in the strange mailing list.
You end up getting a rubella monthly.
No, rubella. No, diphtheria, no, typhoid.
By the way, I bought you some erotic literature.
Help you stimulate the sexy.
You didn't put anything weird in here, did you?
Well, define weird.
Anything you would like.
Oh, God. I gave you a nice wholesome variety.
You know, meat potatoes.
In fact, that thing doesn't want you calling meat potatoes.
Naughty nurses, ride 'em cowgirls, Asian antiques??
and old car new boobs, I can make these work.
Now, just remember, while you're in there
keep a positive attitude.
What are you talking about?
A man's sperm can be affected by many things
not just asparagus and pineapple, okay?
Stress is also a factor.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I am a little worried.
I mean, what if I can't give Molly a kid?
See, man, don't lay all that on your sperm's tiny head.
You got 'em panicking. They're swimming around in circles.
Seriously, Carl, I mean
she's been talking about kids since I met her.
What if this is a deal breaker?
No, stop it. Stay positive.
Set an example for your little white army.
Alright, let's do this.
Hey, you're gonna give Molly a beautiful baby.
Just keep your eye on the prize.
A-and don't skip over page 14 in Old Cars, New Boobs.
It's an ad for penis enlargers, but i-i-it's hot as hell.
- Okay, wish me luck. - Yeah.
I'd hug you, but I don't want that in my head.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Break a leg, Mike.
Cha-ching. And here's my share of the cable bill, Carl.
Don't give it to me, cash it in.
This is great. Easy money.
It's like an ATM that accepts penises.
Can I go now? I'm gonna miss my bus.
Well, you should've thought of that before you made
that disgusting sound when I bent over
and picked up the eraser.
Everybody else thought it was funny.
You know what they're gonna think is really funny?
You being held back a grade.
You can't prove that that noise didn't come out of you.
You realize that there are no witnesses here, right?
Your family is gonna believe whatever I tell them.
I thought I saw your car in the parking lot.
Got you guarding the reprobates, huh?
Oh, just a little after school detention
for a rather inappropriate young boy.
I know this one.
What'd you do now, Two Milk Marvin?
Disrupted my class by making an obscene noise.
Bronx cheer when you bend over to pick something up?
Did the same thing to me when I dropped my soup ladle.
He's gonna learn to behave more like a gentleman.
Good luck with that.
By the placement of his eyes
I'm guessing it's Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
- Your mama a drinker? - Oh, my God.
Okay, Mark, go catch your bus.
Lesson learned.
That ought to scare him straight.
That actually spooked me a little bit.
I'm not a Mollycoddler. Here you go.
- My knock 'em up chowder. - Wait, what is this?
Listen, slow sperm runs in the Biggs family.
They get there eventually, you just got to give them
a little boot in the pooper.
Wait, Mike talked to you?
He's worried sick he can't give you a baby
and he thinks that you'll dump him if he doesn't.
What? Who told him that?
I have no idea.
But even if his swimmers are floundering around
there's things you can do to help prime the pump.
Okay, I do not feel comfortable
talking about Mike's pump or how I prime it.
Cut out the fancy positions?
Missionaries know a lot more
than just how to get Bibles to savages.
Okay, I'm grading some papers.
We're talking flat backed, spread eagled
pretending he's Magnum, P.I., or whoever floats your boat.
Okay. Thanks for the soup.
Uh, I'll enjoy it as soon as I..
...think I can hold it down.
It's not for you, it's for him.
Add some cayenne and Worcestershire.
He'll balk at the taste
but you'll get the pounding of a lifetime.
[cell phone rings]
Aw, man, I fell asleep again.
I am done with reading.
Hey, Molly, what's going on?
Nothing, I just wanted to check in with you
and tell you that I loved you.
[Mike] 'Aw, I love you too.'
And no matter what happens, I'm never gonna stop loving you.
Whether we have a baby or we don't have a baby.
Yeah, but I know how much you want one
and I don't want you to be disappointed.
Sweetie, it's not about having a baby
it's about having a baby with you.
What if I can't give you that?
Then we'll deal with that then.
I mean, there are a lot of options
none of which include me walking away
from the best thing that ever happened to me.
You mean me?
Of course, I mean you.
'My big, sexy policeman.'
Go on.
And tonight, when you get home
I'm gonna show you how much I love you.
Well, what would you do first?
What, you mean when I get home?
Probably hang up my purse like I always do.
No, I mean, what would you do to me?
Are you trying to get me to have phone sex?
Where are you?
I'm at the sperm clinic with an empty cup in my hand
and two friends outside the door making kissing noises.
Alright, let me lock the door.
I don't want your mom walking in here again.
Aw, why'd you have to bring her up?
Now we're gonna have to start all over.
What are you wearing?
A hundred and fifty million just in that little cup?
Hundred and fifty million.
We're rich. We're sperm millionaires.
A-and they're healthy and shaped right? Oval heads?
- Big, oval heads. - Just like daddy.
Thank you, doctor.
What? I should have sex with my wife right now?
Yes, sir, I'll do it two times and call you in the morning.
You heard the doctor.
He didn't say that, you already hung up.
I know. I lied. I'm a very bad boy.
- Alright, get upstairs. - Yes, teacher.
[doorbell rings]
Good evening, ma'am.
I have two words for you Solar energy.
Oh. I have two words for you.
[Vincent] 'Wouldn't be the first time I heard 'em today!'
[theme music]