This is gonna be great living down here.
Like having our own little apartment.
Except the drunk upstairs neighbors are my mom and sister.
Hey, if they were sober, they'd probably charge us rent.
What are you doing with all your clothes?
They're going to Goodwill.
Now that I've dropped those 41 pounds
it's time to switch from clothes that conceal
to clothes that reveal.
Oh-oh. So now it's 41 pounds?
Right before bed, you said 40 and a half.
I know, but I had my flying dream last night
and I must have flapped off that extra half pound.
Well, based on your snoring
it sounded like you got sucked into a jet engine.
Either way, it's 41.
And I'm very happy for you.
But you might want to consider, you know
hanging on to a couple of items
just until you're through Girl Scout cookie season.
Nope. Thin Mints be damned.
I'm moving forward into a new world and never going back.
That's why the Conquistadors burned their boats.
Yeah, but they kept their pants.
Hey, you know what, I was thinking, tonight
you and I could go to the mall
and maybe buy me something slinky.
Ooh, slinky. Fun for a girl and a boy.
Hey, this is New Mike.
He likes to dress nice
and make himself pretty for the people.
Give the people what they want.
So I'm guessing this is bye-bye to your stretch pants
and aloha to your Hawaiian shirts.
They'll be having a hukilau at the Goodwill tomorrow.
Donate 'em, Danno.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
You know, if you really want to lose weight
you should try Carl's "Extreme Ultimate Body Workout."
It's like P-90X, but more focused on the buttocks.
I knew I should've brought my iPod.
Oh, I apologize, I thought you were actually
serious about getting in shape.
I like slow and steady.
Start with 20 minutes of cardio, then I hit the free weights
followed by a ten-minute cool down.
Uh-huh. The same workout my grandma does.
Maybe you can take her water aerobics class
at the senior center.
Biggs. Somebody told me you were down here
using the gym, and I called him a liar.
- Sir. - At ease. Walk with me.
How far we talking, sir?
'Cause this is kind of my cool down period.
If you need me, I'll be over here doing squat-thrusts
and one-armed pushups.
Ain't no cool down in my world.
You mind tossing the pill around while we chitchat?
Uh, absolutely. Sounds like fun.
Oh!
Boy, these things really are heavy, huh?
Alright, heads up, coming back at you.
Put some heat behind that, senorita.
There's a full-grown man on the other side of that toss.
Well, I know, sir, I just didn't want to..
Okay!
What did you want to chitchat about, sir?
Well, as you know, your mother and I have been
seeing each other for a few months now
and I've grown increasingly fond of her.
It's a testament to your forgiving nature, captain.
Attagirl.
Point being, I'd like to give up police work
and enjoy a quiet, peaceful life with your mother at my side.
And you really think it's gonna go that way, huh?
Tonight, I'm asking your mother to marry me.
If she says yes, we'll sell her house
and move to my condo in Scottsdale.
Hang on a second.
Uh, you're gonna sell her house
and move her all the way to Arizona?
Popping the question after dinner.
Maybe you and your wife could drop by
for a little celebratory toast.
Yeah, sure. Toast.
I should really hit the showers.
- What's the matter with him? - I don't know.
Hard to say, captain.
You know, he is out of his element down here.
He's not like you or me.
You know, I got to say, for an older gentleman
you have a hell of a body.
Walk away, McMillan.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe she's selling this place.
You know I was born in that house, Carl?
I know.
I've seen your teething marks on the banister.
Look like a bear got hold of a Lincoln Log.
I remember the day my family left my childhood home.
- It was heartbreaking. - Did your dad sell it?
No. Rebel soldiers took it over and turned it into a brothel.
Well, at least you could still visit it.
Yes, for 40 Senegalese francs
I can catch gonorrhea in my old bedroom.
I remember the Fourth of July
my dad lit the drapes on fire with a Roman candle.
He was shooting off fireworks inside the house?
Well, that was where my mom ran for cover.
In his defense, she did squirt charcoal fluid
at his face while he was smoking a cigarette.
She tried to light his head on fire?
No, she just wanted to scare him.
She had the garden hose in her other hand.
Oh, speak of the devil. She's taking the dog out.
Get down, get down, if she sees me,
she's gonna make me shovel that walk.
Squeeze one out before I freeze my keister off.
And remember, it's just poop, you're not burying King Tut.
Wow, so the captain wants to spend
the rest of his life with your mom?
Well, people marry serial killers.
Seems a little rushed, if you ask me. What do you think?
I think if someone's crazy enough to want to marry
your mother, you hand her over immediately.
- I meant the pants. - Oh.
Ooh, nice.
You know, I've never seen you in corduroy before.
It was a fire hazard before.
- Yea or nay? - Let me see the back.
Ooh, yea. Coming and going.
I just don't know why he has to uproot her like that.
She's gonna have to leave all of her friends behind.
Her only friend is a dog, and if he could turn a car key
he'd already be in Scottsdale.
[Mike] 'What if she doesn't want to go, I hate to think'
'she's letting some guy push her around.'
Mike, the only way somebody's gonna push your mother around
is if she's strapped to a gurney wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask.
- You love this, don't you? - I do.
I think that shirt works with the pants.
No, I mean you love the fact
that my mom is moving four states away.
It's actually five. Did you forget to count Oklahoma?
It's nice and wide.
Boy, you have absolutely no idea what I'm going through, do you?
I have a pretty good idea.
Your mom suddenly has a new man in her life
and he's taking her away from your childhood home
and all of the memories associated with that.
It's probably why you're feeling so threatened and abandoned.
Wrong! Way off!
- I don't want to shop anymore! - Hey!
You're the one who wanted to go to the mall, New Mike!
[security sensor beeping]
Alright, everything's fine. I'll pay for the clothes.
I got his wallet. And his..
Oh, his keys. And his phone.
Oh, crap.
[instrumental music]
Geez, how many big dorks with buzz cuts are in this mall?
Hey.
Hey, how-how is that?
Pretty, pretty good.
Good. Good.
Oh.. Oh.
Mike, where have you been?
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Hello.
Would you like to try a sample of our orange cashew chicken?
No, thanks. I'm was actually just looking for my husband.
Similar size, similar haircut.
Corduroy pants? Still had the security tag on them?
- Yeah, you've seen him? - He's been by three times.
Which way did he go?
I saw him get shooed away from Mrs. Fields
but I don't know where he went after that.
Well, thank you.
Well, since you're giving it away.
Oh, my God, that is delicious.
[security sensor beeping]
That might be him.
You know what?
This chicken did not die in vain.
If it's not him, I'll circle back around.
Save my toothpick.
[instrumental music]
[pants squeaking]
What was that? You know what?
I am gonna spring for the extra 15 minutes.
Really, really dig into that lumbar.
I'm under a lot of stress, my husband is missing.
[security sensor beeping]
Ooh, look at me. Hello, fancy feet.
- Are these on sale? - I'm afraid not.
I'll take them.
- Cash or credit? - Credit.
I think after all the worry he's put me through
he'd want me to have a nice new pair of shoes.
And if you've got these in taupe
I think he'd like me to have two pair.
[instrumental music]
I understand that it's his mother and all, but..
And he's gonna miss her, but you got to cut the apron strings
at some point, right?
Huh, don't get me started on men and their mommies.
Ugh, let me tell you, his mommy is a real piece of work, too.
I can imagine.
You know who I really feel sorry for
is the state of Arizona.
[instrumental music]
Did I tell you we work at the same school together?
There is no escaping this woman.
My mother-in-law, big buster of balls.
Seven thousand miles away, still too close.
She can have all the territory west of the Mississippi.
And her little dog, too.
[chuckles]
You want the clear polish or color?
Oh. Ah, can you make 'em look like little ladybugs?
I guess I thought that house was always gonna be there.
And when Molly and I finally do have a kid
I was hoping to show him my old bedroom
or the first tree I ever climbed.
The limb snapped off, but the tree's still there.
You know, my old house in Indiana is now a meth lab.
Oh, that's a shame. When did you and your folks move out?
Oh, my folks still live there.
That's, uh, part of the reason I'm not a real cop.
Yeah, they're pretty thorough with the background checks.
Molly?
There you are. I have been worried sick.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe you ran off like that.
Why didn't you use the security guard's phone to call me?
Because he didn't have the name Molly in his list of contacts.
And star-one on his phone was some meth head in Indiana.
Well, why didn't you call your phone?
Because...I didn't think of that until just now!
Well, I was in a panic.
No idea where you were, no way to find you.
I must have run into a dozen stores looking for you.
And I wasn't in Victoria's Secret, huh?
Quit trying to change the subject.
By the way, you're over your $300 credit limit
on your debit card.
I thought you'd want to know!
Look at my little college girl.
She's been hitting the books all night.
It's either that, or sleep with my professor.
And I don't want to play that card until finals week.
She gets those smarts from me.
Thanks for helping with the bags.
Well, that's why you should never
buy more than you can carry.
Where are you going?
Going upstairs to change out of these stupid clothes
so we can go to my mom's house.
Well, you gave all of your clothes away
and we live in the basement now.
You're on top of the world, aren't you? Huh?
What a fun night for Molly!
Mike!
Jackass.
What's the matter with Thumbelina?
We kind of got separated at the mall, and then he got lost--
- Are those new shoes? - Cute, right?
How'd you lose him while he was wearing those pants?
They sound like two guys sawing a sequoia.
I'm trying to cut him some slack.
He's upset his mom's moving to Arizona.
- Congratulations. - That's great.
Don't say anything around Mike.
He hasn't found the silver lining yet.
And I don't want to jinx it.
It's a beautiful ring, Peggy.
Little gaudy for me
but it belonged to Patty's deceased mother.
And who am I to crap on the horrible tastes of a dead woman?
You know, a man gets to a certain age
and he starts thinking his best years are behind him.
But I know, with you by my side
I can see the long, beautiful road ahead.
I-80. It's a wonderful drive.
Hey, why don't I put on a pot of decaf
and bring out some dessert. I made your favorite.
- Coconut cream pie? - Not you. Him.
Ooh, rhubarb cobbler. Did you use my mother's recipe?
Hey, I'll wear her tacky jewelry
but I won't have her giving me cooking lessons from the grave.
- Boy, that woman is a spitfire. - She is a saint.
Raised me all on her own.
In this very house. Our house.
Come on, Jim. Let's take a walk.
Hmm. It's not you, it's, it's the rhubarb.
- Oh. - So what are you thinking?
A spring wedding?
[sighs]
Say goodbye to your favorite tree, Jim.
When you move to Arizona
you're gonna be whizzing on cactuses
and that's a whole different skill set.
Biggs, is it just my imagination
or do you have your rather sizeable undies in a twist?
I'm not trying to cause any trouble, sir.
I'm just not good with change.
Yeah. Well, I understand.
You've been the most important man
in your mother's life up until now.
Actually, sir, that would be the guy
that just got done whizzing on a tree.
Well, we all take a backseat to His Majesty.
You know, even though I don't visit her as much as I should
I-I liked knowing that she was here.
You know, like the weight room at the precinct.
What the hell are they doing out there anyway?
Jim won't pee when you're staring at him.
He gets that from me.
So, how soon are you kids moving to Arizona?
I could help you throw some stuff in boxes tonight.
What are you talking about?
Who the hell said I'm moving to Arizona?
Uh..
The captain didn't mention that, huh?
You ever been to Arizona?
It's just a furnace full of drunk Indians.
Really? That's not what it says on their license plate.
I hope you two will be very happy, sir.
Thanks, Biggs.
I must say, every day I'm with her is a dream.
What's this cockamamie scheme I hear about you dragging me
to live amongst the lizards and Comanches?
- I thought she knew. - Let's get out of here.
Congratulations.
Don't think you can waltz into my life
and start calling the shots, Crazy Guggenheim.
I just thought you'd want to get out of this cold weather.
You're always complaining about the snow.
I complain about everything, numb-nuts!
You want to take that away from me, too?
[instrumental music]
Hey, boy, what are you doing out here?
Oh, I was driving by, and I saw that your walk was a little icy
so I thought I'd shovel it off for you.
Look, if you need five bucks, just ask.
You know what, mom? No charge.
Maybe when I'm finished, uh
I'll come in and we can watch the Blackhawks game.
Sounds great.
I'll make us a tuna noodle casserole
if someone will ever finish cleaning the oven!
Angel, you told me to finish my dusting before I..
Hello, Biggs.
Captain.
What are you doing?
Just pitching in
helping your mother keep up with this big, wonderful house.
- That we are never leaving. - That we are never leaving.
- What are you doing? - Just finishing up the walk.
Right now, neither one of you are doing squat.
Plenty of time to flap your gums
when you're done with your chores.
- Yes, ma'am. - Yes, ma'am.
Yours, I can just cut off.
Theirs, I've got to remove slowly.
[theme music]