Alright, you've got veggie lasagna
and Turkey chili for dinners.
And there's plenty of yogurt cups and carrot sticks
in case you want to get your snack on.
You're gonna be gone for three days.
What if I run out of food?
Well, then you'll starve and die, but
I'm sure somebody'll call me.
Why do you have to go, can't someone else
go to that stupid teacher conference?
No, because I'm the stupid teacher that volunteered for it.
Besides, I'm not going to Mardi Gras.
I'm headed to the honest Abe's motor lodge in Springfield.
- Does it have a pool? - I don't know, maybe.
I mean, they do have a hot tub, but I always think
drunk people pee in those. I know I do.
What am I supposed to do while you're gone?
Anything. Your wife's going out of town, fella.
- Whoop it up. - Uh, I don't whoop.
I wasn't a whooper when I was single.
I got married because I couldn't whoop.
Boy, I sure did my fair share of whooping. Ay-ay-ay.
Huh. But, uh, those days are gone
and those pictures have been cut up and burned.
Promise you'll call me every day
so that I can at least hear your voice.
Every morning when I wake up and when I go to bed.
Seriously.
Oh, and I'll text you from the hot tub.
Wait. Somebody has totally lost his funny bone this morning.
You know what, go, but when you come home
and you don't recognize me, I'll be the frail old man
that's bearded and mumbling to himself in the basement.
You're gonna be fine, just promise me
you're gonna eat the food that I gave you
and not go on a junk food binge.
If you promise me you'll take care of yourself
and not run off with some PE teacher from Rockford.
Deal. No Big Mac for you.
And no Big Mac for me.
I'm gonna go finish packing.
Hey, do you still have that little flask
I got you two Christmases ago?
Never mind, never mind.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[sighs heavily]
Man, you better snap out of it.
'Cause I'm not gonna have you droopy doggin' it
for the next three days.
Leave me alone, Carl. I miss my wife.
Well, maybe instead of pining like a little baby
you should take this time to reconnect with your best friend.
Are you kidding? We spend 40 hours a week together.
That's our professional 'relationship
not us sharing details about our personal life.
So, you fretting to me for an hour
about your alleged shrinking testicle
is considered by-the-book police work?
Look, how are you gonna be able to watch my back
if you don't know what's going on in my head?
I'd probably be more likely to take a bullet
for you if I didn't.
Now we know that. See?
We haven't had one of these heart-to-hearts
for as long as I can remember.
Are you kidding me, I've been hearing
about your small ball theory since I got you that
pocket tape measure.
You know, I'm starting to think it's got something
to do with the weather.
You know, barometric pressure.
Every time a cloud rolls in
I go from 18.1 centimeters to 17.5.
Are we all caught up now? 'Cause I'm gonna text my wife.
Hey. How about tonight, you and I go out and grab a beer
and rekindle the embers of our friendship.
Come home, now.
You could be my wingman, nothing melts a single lady's heart
like seeing a caring friend console his grieving buddy
over the tragic death of his wife.
I'm not gonna let you say my wife's dead.
It's bad enough I let you take me
to a strip joint in a wheelchair.
We don't need to be specific about her whereabouts.
She's gone, you're sad, I'm horny.
Well, all of those things are true.
Damn it, Moranto, what are you doing down here?
And why does it smell like a tire fire?
I'm tumble drying my car mats.
Joyce is going nuts with this spring cleaning thing.
That dryer is not built to handle car mats.
It can handle your underwear. And talk about burnt tire smell.
It's like ringside at NASCAR.
Just get your crap and get out of here.
What are you doing home anyway? Your wife's out of town.
You should be out having fun. Go to a strip club or something.
I don't like doing anything without Mol. It's not the same.
Well, you certainly have to be more gentlemanly
during the lap dances.
And I don't know about your wife
but Joyce has a strict no motor-boating rule.
I am gonna eat one of the prepared dinners she left me
go to bed at 8:30, and smell her pillow till I fall asleep.
You disgust me.
You're a disgrace to husband's everywhere.
Why? Because when my wife's out of town
I don't want to give some stripper a buck
to shake her behind in my face?
Trust me, the ones that'll do it for a buck
you don't want their behinds in your face.
How much would it cost for me to see your behind
walking up those stairs?
Look, if you don't take advantage of these
three days of freedom, you will regret it
for the rest of your life.
Hey, I love my wife and I miss her.
That's because you're still basking in the early bloom
but one day, in the not so distant future
you will find yourself standing in the Wisconsin Dells
wearing fanny packs and visors
arguing about where to eat lunch.
Oh, God.
And as you try to decide between Olive Garden
or jumping in front of a bus
you will regret not having taken advantage
of these precious days of sweet freedom.
Well, "Re-Animator" is playing at the Skokie Fourplex
and their hot butter pump is self-serve and unmonitored.
There you go. Baby steps.
Whatever you want to do. The point is to live like a man.
Vince, what the hell are you doing down here?
I'm giving my car mats a little spring spruce, my dear.
Remember you told me they smell like feet?
Well, chop-chop, hairball.
Come on, you got to finish your chores
and then take me to the Olive Garden.
Spread your wings and fly, little bird, for all of us.
[Joyce] 'Vince!'
Hey, man. Could you please try to look more sad?
Just put some hot sauce in your eyes
or pluck out a nose hair, or something.
You just lost your wife, for God sakes.
Well, let's just cut to the chase
and I'll tell you exactly what these ladies are thinking.
No, no and hell no.
Can we please just go to a movie?
Look, we can't carry on a conversation in a movie.
And this is our time to reconnect.
Man, me and you.
And to help you through this
horrible, horrible time of grief.
Still wearing your ring. It just breaks my heart.
Will you...please stop using me to meet women.
Where's your $20 bill on a string?
Ah, I lost that at a Payless shoe store.
That woman had cat-like reflexes. She earned it.
Let's just finish our beers and go home.
Mm, not quite yet.
James. How's it going, man?
Good. It's Carl, right?
Yeah, man. I used to date your ex-wife.
We're practically related.
I think they call that Spanish cousins.
Right. So, how you doing?
How's it look like I'm doing?
I'm wearing Hugo Boss, drinking a Sam Adams. Boo-ya.
It was good to see you again.
Hey, so, um, hanging out in a singles bar by yourself, huh?
Tracing a kick to the curb, too? What does that woman want?
I mean, if two handsome studs like us ain't good enough, then
she might not even be into dudes.
You know what I'm talking about?
I think you know what I'm talking about.
Actually, she's, uh, she's out in the car waiting for me.
Yeah, she had a craving for pepper poppers.
You know how it is with pregnant women.
- Pregnant? - Boo-ya.
Anyway, it was good seeing you again, man.
Yeah, good to see you, too. Hey, hang on.
How pregnant is she, 'cause, you know
it hasn't been that long since she and I--
- It's not your baby. - Alright, alright.
Hey, well, you know, just in case
make sure he goes to a good college.
I'm happy for them. I couldn't be happier.
[sighs]
Christina knew I wanted a kid.
And now that man's having my baby.
Well, look at the bright side, now you don't have to
put parental controls on your porn channels.
It hurts so much.
She broke my heart and all I ever did was love her.
- I loved her so much, Mike. - You'll love again.
Hey, maybe now's the time to get that guinea pig
you've been talking about.
Man, my world is shattered.
It's torn apart at the seams. I can't eat, I can't sleep.
The sandman's gonna have to bring two bags
to dam up my levee of tears.
And a couple of melatonin and maybe some nighty-night tea.
Hey, I could always clock you in the jaw
with a fireplace log.
You do whatever you want.
I don't care if I ever wake up again.
There's no tomorrow.
There's only yesterday.
And the love that I once knew.
[crying]
[cell phone ringing]
This is Molly. I got to take this.
Hi, sweetie. Nothing, just missing you.
She misses me, too.
Everybody's got somebody but me.
No, just Carl. I don't know, he's upset about something.
More importantly, how are you?
Shh, she's telling me about her day.
[instrumental music]
Vin, roll up these rugs.
Victoria, get going on those shelves.
So, I'm gonna have to spend my whole Saturday spring cleaning?
You know this is my day to read and reflect.
Reflect on what?
The fact that you didn't do crap Monday through Friday?
Did Molly call and say she got my flowers?
Where the hell have you been, Romeo?
You got to put up the screens and clean the gutters.
You got to be kidding, I was up half the night
with a colicky Carl, I had to keep driving him around
the block till he fell asleep.
Quite whining, I haven't even been to bed yet
and my buzz wore off about 40 minutes ago.
If you're jonesing, try huffing the pine cleaner.
I'm seeing double and I can't hear anything
out of my left ear.
I sure am hearing a lot of bitching
from people who live in my house for free.
The lady makes a very good point.
Vince, put on some work clothes, and I'll grab a ladder
and I'll meet you on the roof.
That's more like it.
I told you to fly
but you had to come back, didn't you?
You big dodo bird.
Ah! This is disgusting.
Can you smell this? Get over here and smell this.
I can smell it from here.
Just put it in the bag and keep scooping.
This isn't just rotten leaves.
I'm telling you, something died in these gutters.
Probably just a dead squirrel or a rat.
No, this is bigger, more sour.
It's like a rotting, hobo midget.
Ugh! Maybe Santa lost a helper.
What are we doing up here anyway?
This is women's work.
Vince, we are better off.
We've only been given one chore
and we can stretch it out as long as we want.
Well, if I scoop up a dwarf skull
I'm jumping off this roof and using you as my air bag.
Let's just get it done.
Then we can take turns napping behind the chimney
while the other one waits lookout.
First dead robin of the season.
You gonna name it or bag it?
If you're the one who crapped on my Sebring
I'll see you in hell.
Geez. There's like ten years of dusty farts in here.
Mom, this silver polish is making my eyes blurry
a-and some of my hair's falling out.
Use it sparingly, they took that stuff off the market.
Why do kids always look under the sink when they're thirsty?
- I'll get that. - Oh, no, you won't.
I am not letting you anywhere near an open door.
You'll take off like that Jack Russell we owned for two hours.
Miss Flynn, I'm just here to say goodbye to Mike
before I leave town to start a new life
and try to mend this broken heart.
Well, don't get any tears on the floor, I just waxed it.
Hi, sweetie, just thought I'd leave you a quick message
to tell you I found that Frisbee.
Okay, that's it.
Uh, hope you're having fun, too.
Love you. Bye.
Hey, we're not up here to make phone calls, Gidget.
Now bring that body bag over
'cause I just found another mummified rodent.
Squirrel or rat?
Ah-h. My money's on possum.
Based on the position of his paws, it died scared.
Looks like there was definitely a struggle.
Probably a feral cat got ahold of it.
Or a hungry, homeless dwarf.
They'll eat anything.
Did you watch that movie with the crazy leprechaun again?
You know, that's based on a true story.
- Hey. - Carl, what are you doing?
Ah, didn't feel right leaving town without coming by
giving you a big hug and telling you
how much you mean to me.
- Uh-h. - Where you going?
I haven't decided yet.
Someplace where I can get a fresh start.
Avoid Indiana.
There's nothin' fresh about the whole state.
It's like these gutters, but with legal fireworks.
Carl, you're talking crazy. Go home and get some sleep.
Uh, no, my home is in the back of that Chevrolet Blazer
and my future lies on that road ahead of me.
Remember, stay on I-55
'cause it loops all the way around Indiana.
This city's too small and has too many memories.
I see her reflection in every shop window
and every puddle on the street.
Rat.
I'm telling you, there's something on this roof.
That's a killing machine.
I don't know why I ever bought this damn piano.
Neither of you girls can play a tune to save your life.
Well, you wouldn't let us practice.
Yeah. 'Cause you sounded awful.
Like a burning cat tangled in wind chimes.
- I got it. - Oh!
Freeze. And don't try to run.
I got your car keys and your weed stash.
Damn it.
- What? - Is Mike here?
On the roof.
And you are brave enough to be inside the house?
Carl, you can't just pack up and move to a different state
every time a woman craps on your heart.
Yeah. Sooner or later, you'll run out of options
and have to go to Canada and turn homo.
Happened to a buddy of mine.
- Really? - Yep.
Owns a sweet little B and B in Saskatoon.
Warm chocolate chip cookie on the nightstand
every time you walk into the room.
- That sounds nice. - It's lovely.
Little rock garden out back. You should take Molly.
It's a romantic weekend without equal.
I'm quoting the brochure.
Well, I can't stay in Chicago.
Eventually, I'm gonna run into Christina
and she'll be holding a baby.
Hey, as long as she's not thrusting it at you
saying, "It's your problem now, daddy."
Why do you think I avoid Indiana?
There you are, Carl. I was so worried.
Ah, he's fine. Just a little upset.
Needs to talk things out with his friends.
You came all the way over here to check on me?
Of course, you're like a brother to me.
A brother I would not hesitate to sue
if he skipped out on the rent.
See, people care about you. You can't just run away.
It's the law.
Eh, well, how can I ever be happy
while another man is living the life I was supposed to live?
I used to feel the same way
about underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau.
- I love Jacques Cousteau. - Right?
How I envied that red-capped bastard.
While I was busting my hump on land
he was sailing the seven seas.
He had that underwater sub, too.
The Nautilus.
Get you eyeball to eyeball
with the legendary giant squid.
They have put men on the moon
but so much of the deep sea is unexplored and unknown.
Right? I mean, anything could be down there.
It's like these gutters.
Hey, look. Found a bunch of your grandma's old silver.
Since you've built up a tolerance to the cleaner
I'll let you keep going.
Mom, I'm worried I might be getting permanent brain damage.
That's how I felt hearing you play the piano. We're even.
Where is that clueless knucklehead?
Well, we got a nice assortment on the roof.
♪ Aye Calypso ♪
♪ The places you've been to ♪
♪ The things that you've shown us ♪
♪ The stories you tell ♪
♪ Aye Calypso ♪
♪ I sing to your spirit ♪
♪ The men who have served you so long and so well ♪
♪ Ay-yeah ooh do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Ay-yeah ooh ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Ay-yeah ooh do-do-do-do ♪♪
Can't believe you just left a message on my machine
telling me you were leaving town.
I was humiliated, grandma.
More humiliated than when I caught you
cutting a mouth hole in my wig head?
I was 13 years old, and that wasn't what it looked like.
It looked like a young boy having sex with a wig head.
I thought you came here to cheer me up.
Look, boy, losing somebody is never easy.
But you gotta get over this woman and get on with your life.
It's so hard, grandma.
Having somebody you love not love you back.
I know that.
When your grandpa left me
I thought my whole world was gonna fall apart.
- Left you? - No, you told me he died.
What was I gonna tell you?
That I came home one day
he'd packed up all his stuff and skipped town?
So why did you say he was dead?
He's dead to me.
And if I ever see him again
he'll be dead to everybody else, too.
Disappearing son of a bitch.
Well, why are you telling me this now?
Guess I was just too humiliated before.
But, eventually, somebody else came into my life
and brought me more joy
than I could ever imagine.
- Who was that? - I'll give you a hint.
He's young and handsome
and I'm sharing a porch swing with him.
I love you, grandma.
[laughing]
I love you, too.
And if you ever decide to leave town again
you better take me with you.
[chuckles]
It's a deal.
Anywhere but Indiana.
Mike, I'm stuffed. I can't eat any more of this.
Come on, Molly's gonna be home any minute
and I don't want her to know I cheated on my diet.
But I've already eaten half the pan of veggie lasagna
and four yogurt cups.
Smoke some more pot and tear through this stuff.
Mike, you are a cop.
I don't think you can legally tell me to do that.
Hey, I have turned a blind eye for three years
while your bedroom smelled like Willie Nelson's beard.
Let's go!
That's her. Here, hide this in the trunk of your car.
Throw the carrots up on the roof.
There's somethin' up there that will eat anything.
If I have any more of this Turkey chili
I'm gonna crap a pilgrim.
Put the bowl in the sink and rinse it out.
Go, go, go!
There's my gal. How was the teacher conference?
Oh, I think it was fun.
I was pretty drunk most of the time.
- Did you miss me? - More than I can tell you.
Oh.
What..
Why is it raining carrot sticks?
'Cause my sweetheart's home.
[theme music]