1 00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:05,918 Alright, you've got veggie lasagna 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,833 and Turkey chili for dinners. 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,010 And there's plenty of yogurt cups and carrot sticks 4 00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:13,013 in case you want to get your snack on. 5 00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:14,275 You're gonna be gone for three days. 6 00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:16,929 What if I run out of food? 7 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,106 Well, then you'll starve and die, but 8 00:00:19,193 --> 00:00:22,152 I'm sure somebody'll call me. 9 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:23,719 Why do you have to go, can't someone else 10 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:25,938 go to that stupid teacher conference? 11 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:29,594 No, because I'm the stupid teacher that volunteered for it. 12 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,509 Besides, I'm not going to Mardi Gras. 13 00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:35,687 I'm headed to the honest Abe's motor lodge in Springfield. 14 00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:37,733 - Does it have a pool? - I don't know, maybe. 15 00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:39,387 I mean, they do have a hot tub, but I always think 16 00:00:39,474 --> 00:00:43,260 drunk people pee in those. I know I do. 17 00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:44,870 What am I supposed to do while you're gone? 18 00:00:44,957 --> 00:00:47,395 Anything. Your wife's going out of town, fella. 19 00:00:47,482 --> 00:00:51,181 - Whoop it up. - Uh, I don't whoop. 20 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,748 I wasn't a whooper when I was single. 21 00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:55,881 I got married because I couldn't whoop. 22 00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:59,450 Boy, I sure did my fair share of whooping. Ay-ay-ay. 23 00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:02,453 Huh. But, uh, those days are gone 24 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,152 and those pictures have been cut up and burned. 25 00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:08,155 Promise you'll call me every day 26 00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:09,591 so that I can at least hear your voice. 27 00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:11,984 Every morning when I wake up and when I go to bed. 28 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,421 Seriously. 29 00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:15,379 Oh, and I'll text you from the hot tub. 30 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:20,123 Wait. Somebody has totally lost his funny bone this morning. 31 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,473 You know what, go, but when you come home 32 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,736 and you don't recognize me, I'll be the frail old man 33 00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:28,349 that's bearded and mumbling to himself in the basement. 34 00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:30,264 You're gonna be fine, just promise me 35 00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:31,439 you're gonna eat the food that I gave you 36 00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,093 and not go on a junk food binge. 37 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,920 If you promise me you'll take care of yourself 38 00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:37,488 and not run off with some PE teacher from Rockford. 39 00:01:38,663 --> 00:01:41,231 Deal. No Big Mac for you. 40 00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:42,972 And no Big Mac for me. 41 00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:47,281 I'm gonna go finish packing. 42 00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:48,891 Hey, do you still have that little flask 43 00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:51,415 I got you two Christmases ago? 44 00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:53,896 Never mind, never mind. 45 00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:59,336 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 46 00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:02,513 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 47 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,656 [instrumental music] 48 00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:18,399 [sighs heavily] 49 00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:21,489 Man, you better snap out of it. 50 00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:23,055 'Cause I'm not gonna have you droopy doggin' it 51 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,449 for the next three days. 52 00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:27,321 Leave me alone, Carl. I miss my wife. 53 00:02:27,408 --> 00:02:29,236 Well, maybe instead of pining like a little baby 54 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:31,499 you should take this time to reconnect with your best friend. 55 00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:34,241 Are you kidding? We spend 40 hours a week together. 56 00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,720 That's our professional 'relationship 57 00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,853 not us sharing details about our personal life. 58 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,637 So, you fretting to me for an hour 59 00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:41,161 about your alleged shrinking testicle 60 00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:44,120 is considered by-the-book police work? 61 00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:45,643 Look, how are you gonna be able to watch my back 62 00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:47,210 if you don't know what's going on in my head? 63 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:48,733 I'd probably be more likely to take a bullet 64 00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:50,953 for you if I didn't. 65 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,694 Now we know that. See? 66 00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:53,869 We haven't had one of these heart-to-hearts 67 00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,349 for as long as I can remember. 68 00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:56,785 Are you kidding me, I've been hearing 69 00:02:56,872 --> 00:02:58,961 about your small ball theory since I got you that 70 00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,268 pocket tape measure. 71 00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:02,834 You know, I'm starting to think it's got something 72 00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:04,271 to do with the weather. 73 00:03:04,358 --> 00:03:07,056 You know, barometric pressure. 74 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:08,405 Every time a cloud rolls in 75 00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:12,235 I go from 18.1 centimeters to 17.5. 76 00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:14,716 Are we all caught up now? 'Cause I'm gonna text my wife. 77 00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:17,327 Hey. How about tonight, you and I go out and grab a beer 78 00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:19,503 and rekindle the embers of our friendship. 79 00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:22,419 Come home, now. 80 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:25,205 You could be my wingman, nothing melts a single lady's heart 81 00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,555 like seeing a caring friend console his grieving buddy 82 00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:29,774 over the tragic death of his wife. 83 00:03:29,861 --> 00:03:32,603 I'm not gonna let you say my wife's dead. 84 00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:33,691 It's bad enough I let you take me 85 00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:36,564 to a strip joint in a wheelchair. 86 00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:38,870 We don't need to be specific about her whereabouts. 87 00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:42,091 She's gone, you're sad, I'm horny. 88 00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:45,399 Well, all of those things are true. 89 00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:52,406 Damn it, Moranto, what are you doing down here? 90 00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:54,451 And why does it smell like a tire fire? 91 00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:56,192 I'm tumble drying my car mats. 92 00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:59,239 Joyce is going nuts with this spring cleaning thing. 93 00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:02,111 That dryer is not built to handle car mats. 94 00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:05,288 It can handle your underwear. And talk about burnt tire smell. 95 00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:08,726 It's like ringside at NASCAR. 96 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,859 Just get your crap and get out of here. 97 00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:12,991 What are you doing home anyway? Your wife's out of town. 98 00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:16,168 You should be out having fun. Go to a strip club or something. 99 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,562 I don't like doing anything without Mol. It's not the same. 100 00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,477 Well, you certainly have to be more gentlemanly 101 00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:21,609 during the lap dances. 102 00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,132 And I don't know about your wife 103 00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:25,917 but Joyce has a strict no motor-boating rule. 104 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:30,357 I am gonna eat one of the prepared dinners she left me 105 00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:34,317 go to bed at 8:30, and smell her pillow till I fall asleep. 106 00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:36,493 You disgust me. 107 00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:39,540 You're a disgrace to husband's everywhere. 108 00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:40,976 Why? Because when my wife's out of town 109 00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:42,238 I don't want to give some stripper a buck 110 00:04:42,325 --> 00:04:43,892 to shake her behind in my face? 111 00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:45,894 Trust me, the ones that'll do it for a buck 112 00:04:45,981 --> 00:04:48,636 you don't want their behinds in your face. 113 00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:50,551 How much would it cost for me to see your behind 114 00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,379 walking up those stairs? 115 00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:54,859 Look, if you don't take advantage of these 116 00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:57,166 three days of freedom, you will regret it 117 00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:58,515 for the rest of your life. 118 00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:01,170 Hey, I love my wife and I miss her. 119 00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:03,999 That's because you're still basking in the early bloom 120 00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:07,089 but one day, in the not so distant future 121 00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:10,135 you will find yourself standing in the Wisconsin Dells 122 00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:12,312 wearing fanny packs and visors 123 00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:14,314 arguing about where to eat lunch. 124 00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:17,969 Oh, God. 125 00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:21,364 And as you try to decide between Olive Garden 126 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:24,933 or jumping in front of a bus 127 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:27,675 you will regret not having taken advantage 128 00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:31,069 of these precious days of sweet freedom. 129 00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:37,859 Well, "Re-Animator" is playing at the Skokie Fourplex 130 00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:41,384 and their hot butter pump is self-serve and unmonitored. 131 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,562 There you go. Baby steps. 132 00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:50,045 Whatever you want to do. The point is to live like a man. 133 00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:53,353 Vince, what the hell are you doing down here? 134 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,878 I'm giving my car mats a little spring spruce, my dear. 135 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,402 Remember you told me they smell like feet? 136 00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:01,230 Well, chop-chop, hairball. 137 00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:02,579 Come on, you got to finish your chores 138 00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:04,364 and then take me to the Olive Garden. 139 00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:10,326 Spread your wings and fly, little bird, for all of us. 140 00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,501 [Joyce] 'Vince!' 141 00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:19,857 Hey, man. Could you please try to look more sad? 142 00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:21,119 Just put some hot sauce in your eyes 143 00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:22,469 or pluck out a nose hair, or something. 144 00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:25,210 You just lost your wife, for God sakes. 145 00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,169 Well, let's just cut to the chase 146 00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,258 and I'll tell you exactly what these ladies are thinking. 147 00:06:29,345 --> 00:06:32,740 No, no and hell no. 148 00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:34,437 Can we please just go to a movie? 149 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,961 Look, we can't carry on a conversation in a movie. 150 00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:38,920 And this is our time to reconnect. 151 00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:40,138 Man, me and you. 152 00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:42,358 And to help you through this 153 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:45,100 horrible, horrible time of grief. 154 00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:47,711 Still wearing your ring. It just breaks my heart. 155 00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:50,975 Will you...please stop using me to meet women. 156 00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:53,064 Where's your $20 bill on a string? 157 00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:55,589 Ah, I lost that at a Payless shoe store. 158 00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:59,244 That woman had cat-like reflexes. She earned it. 159 00:06:59,331 --> 00:07:01,638 Let's just finish our beers and go home. 160 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:03,640 Mm, not quite yet. 161 00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:06,164 James. How's it going, man? 162 00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:08,340 Good. It's Carl, right? 163 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,560 Yeah, man. I used to date your ex-wife. 164 00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,127 We're practically related. 165 00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:14,521 I think they call that Spanish cousins. 166 00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:17,045 Right. So, how you doing? 167 00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,655 How's it look like I'm doing? 168 00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:21,005 I'm wearing Hugo Boss, drinking a Sam Adams. Boo-ya. 169 00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,226 It was good to see you again. 170 00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:26,663 Hey, so, um, hanging out in a singles bar by yourself, huh? 171 00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:29,971 Tracing a kick to the curb, too? What does that woman want? 172 00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,539 I mean, if two handsome studs like us ain't good enough, then 173 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:33,975 she might not even be into dudes. 174 00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:35,237 You know what I'm talking about? 175 00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:38,588 I think you know what I'm talking about. 176 00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:41,243 Actually, she's, uh, she's out in the car waiting for me. 177 00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:43,419 Yeah, she had a craving for pepper poppers. 178 00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:47,510 You know how it is with pregnant women. 179 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:50,818 - Pregnant? - Boo-ya. 180 00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,210 Anyway, it was good seeing you again, man. 181 00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:54,517 Yeah, good to see you, too. Hey, hang on. 182 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:55,779 How pregnant is she, 'cause, you know 183 00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:57,302 it hasn't been that long since she and I-- 184 00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:59,217 - It's not your baby. - Alright, alright. 185 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,785 Hey, well, you know, just in case 186 00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:03,744 make sure he goes to a good college. 187 00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:13,928 I'm happy for them. I couldn't be happier. 188 00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:17,018 [sighs] 189 00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:19,150 Christina knew I wanted a kid. 190 00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:21,152 And now that man's having my baby. 191 00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:22,806 Well, look at the bright side, now you don't have to 192 00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:26,549 put parental controls on your porn channels. 193 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,377 It hurts so much. 194 00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:30,466 She broke my heart and all I ever did was love her. 195 00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:33,425 - I loved her so much, Mike. - You'll love again. 196 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,340 Hey, maybe now's the time to get that guinea pig 197 00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:37,560 you've been talking about. 198 00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:39,257 Man, my world is shattered. 199 00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:43,000 It's torn apart at the seams. I can't eat, I can't sleep. 200 00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:44,524 The sandman's gonna have to bring two bags 201 00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,787 to dam up my levee of tears. 202 00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:49,920 And a couple of melatonin and maybe some nighty-night tea. 203 00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:51,574 Hey, I could always clock you in the jaw 204 00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,271 with a fireplace log. 205 00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:54,446 You do whatever you want. 206 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,971 I don't care if I ever wake up again. 207 00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,060 There's no tomorrow. 208 00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:01,366 There's only yesterday. 209 00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:03,543 And the love that I once knew. 210 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:04,805 [crying] 211 00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:06,763 [cell phone ringing] 212 00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:09,549 This is Molly. I got to take this. 213 00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:13,901 Hi, sweetie. Nothing, just missing you. 214 00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:16,294 She misses me, too. 215 00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:19,471 Everybody's got somebody but me. 216 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,736 No, just Carl. I don't know, he's upset about something. 217 00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:25,390 More importantly, how are you? 218 00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:27,567 Shh, she's telling me about her day. 219 00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:35,226 [instrumental music] 220 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:39,100 Vin, roll up these rugs. 221 00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:41,319 Victoria, get going on those shelves. 222 00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,800 So, I'm gonna have to spend my whole Saturday spring cleaning? 223 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:47,151 You know this is my day to read and reflect. 224 00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,762 Reflect on what? 225 00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:52,635 The fact that you didn't do crap Monday through Friday? 226 00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,811 Did Molly call and say she got my flowers? 227 00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,944 Where the hell have you been, Romeo? 228 00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:58,815 You got to put up the screens and clean the gutters. 229 00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:00,600 You got to be kidding, I was up half the night 230 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,732 with a colicky Carl, I had to keep driving him around 231 00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:05,126 the block till he fell asleep. 232 00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,041 Quite whining, I haven't even been to bed yet 233 00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:10,435 and my buzz wore off about 40 minutes ago. 234 00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,786 If you're jonesing, try huffing the pine cleaner. 235 00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:14,744 I'm seeing double and I can't hear anything 236 00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:15,876 out of my left ear. 237 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:20,315 I sure am hearing a lot of bitching 238 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:22,926 from people who live in my house for free. 239 00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:28,671 The lady makes a very good point. 240 00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:31,935 Vince, put on some work clothes, and I'll grab a ladder 241 00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:33,154 and I'll meet you on the roof. 242 00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:34,938 That's more like it. 243 00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:36,331 I told you to fly 244 00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:37,680 but you had to come back, didn't you? 245 00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,290 You big dodo bird. 246 00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:44,339 Ah! This is disgusting. 247 00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:46,471 Can you smell this? Get over here and smell this. 248 00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:47,908 I can smell it from here. 249 00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:50,475 Just put it in the bag and keep scooping. 250 00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:52,086 This isn't just rotten leaves. 251 00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:55,916 I'm telling you, something died in these gutters. 252 00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:58,222 Probably just a dead squirrel or a rat. 253 00:10:58,309 --> 00:11:00,616 No, this is bigger, more sour. 254 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:03,271 It's like a rotting, hobo midget. 255 00:11:05,316 --> 00:11:07,884 Ugh! Maybe Santa lost a helper. 256 00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,061 What are we doing up here anyway? 257 00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:13,716 This is women's work. 258 00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:14,761 Vince, we are better off. 259 00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,327 We've only been given one chore 260 00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,112 and we can stretch it out as long as we want. 261 00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:20,418 Well, if I scoop up a dwarf skull 262 00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:23,247 I'm jumping off this roof and using you as my air bag. 263 00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,815 Let's just get it done. 264 00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,556 Then we can take turns napping behind the chimney 265 00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,037 while the other one waits lookout. 266 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,169 First dead robin of the season. 267 00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,520 You gonna name it or bag it? 268 00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:37,348 If you're the one who crapped on my Sebring 269 00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:39,350 I'll see you in hell. 270 00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:47,750 Geez. There's like ten years of dusty farts in here. 271 00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:55,149 Mom, this silver polish is making my eyes blurry 272 00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:57,412 a-and some of my hair's falling out. 273 00:11:57,499 --> 00:12:00,415 Use it sparingly, they took that stuff off the market. 274 00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:03,940 Why do kids always look under the sink when they're thirsty? 275 00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:06,116 - I'll get that. - Oh, no, you won't. 276 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,597 I am not letting you anywhere near an open door. 277 00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:11,382 You'll take off like that Jack Russell we owned for two hours. 278 00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:16,257 Miss Flynn, I'm just here to say goodbye to Mike 279 00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:17,737 before I leave town to start a new life 280 00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:19,695 and try to mend this broken heart. 281 00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:22,263 Well, don't get any tears on the floor, I just waxed it. 282 00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:27,529 Hi, sweetie, just thought I'd leave you a quick message 283 00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:29,749 to tell you I found that Frisbee. 284 00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,665 Okay, that's it. 285 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,364 Uh, hope you're having fun, too. 286 00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,367 Love you. Bye. 287 00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:42,936 Hey, we're not up here to make phone calls, Gidget. 288 00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,720 Now bring that body bag over 289 00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:47,157 'cause I just found another mummified rodent. 290 00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:48,550 Squirrel or rat? 291 00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:52,249 Ah-h. My money's on possum. 292 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:58,255 Based on the position of his paws, it died scared. 293 00:12:58,342 --> 00:12:59,953 Looks like there was definitely a struggle. 294 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,911 Probably a feral cat got ahold of it. 295 00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:04,348 Or a hungry, homeless dwarf. 296 00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:06,176 They'll eat anything. 297 00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:08,744 Did you watch that movie with the crazy leprechaun again? 298 00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:11,573 You know, that's based on a true story. 299 00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:14,402 - Hey. - Carl, what are you doing? 300 00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:16,708 Ah, didn't feel right leaving town without coming by 301 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:17,753 giving you a big hug and telling you 302 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:18,885 how much you mean to me. 303 00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:22,018 - Uh-h. - Where you going? 304 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,454 I haven't decided yet. 305 00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:24,891 Someplace where I can get a fresh start. 306 00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:26,370 Avoid Indiana. 307 00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,633 There's nothin' fresh about the whole state. 308 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,854 It's like these gutters, but with legal fireworks. 309 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:34,726 Carl, you're talking crazy. Go home and get some sleep. 310 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,077 Uh, no, my home is in the back of that Chevrolet Blazer 311 00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,643 and my future lies on that road ahead of me. 312 00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,297 Remember, stay on I-55 313 00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:43,910 'cause it loops all the way around Indiana. 314 00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:46,173 This city's too small and has too many memories. 315 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,870 I see her reflection in every shop window 316 00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,306 and every puddle on the street. 317 00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:51,787 Rat. 318 00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:56,139 I'm telling you, there's something on this roof. 319 00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:58,098 That's a killing machine. 320 00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:04,495 I don't know why I ever bought this damn piano. 321 00:14:04,582 --> 00:14:07,716 Neither of you girls can play a tune to save your life. 322 00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:09,370 Well, you wouldn't let us practice. 323 00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:11,328 Yeah. 'Cause you sounded awful. 324 00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:16,856 Like a burning cat tangled in wind chimes. 325 00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:19,989 - I got it. - Oh! 326 00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:22,165 Freeze. And don't try to run. 327 00:14:22,252 --> 00:14:24,559 I got your car keys and your weed stash. 328 00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,389 Damn it. 329 00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:30,043 - What? - Is Mike here? 330 00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:31,522 On the roof. 331 00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:33,785 And you are brave enough to be inside the house? 332 00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:39,052 Carl, you can't just pack up and move to a different state 333 00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:41,097 every time a woman craps on your heart. 334 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,578 Yeah. Sooner or later, you'll run out of options 335 00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:46,146 and have to go to Canada and turn homo. 336 00:14:47,321 --> 00:14:48,844 Happened to a buddy of mine. 337 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,324 - Really? - Yep. 338 00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:53,066 Owns a sweet little B and B in Saskatoon. 339 00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:55,459 Warm chocolate chip cookie on the nightstand 340 00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:57,374 every time you walk into the room. 341 00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,550 - That sounds nice. - It's lovely. 342 00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:02,466 Little rock garden out back. You should take Molly. 343 00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:05,992 It's a romantic weekend without equal. 344 00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:08,820 I'm quoting the brochure. 345 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,300 Well, I can't stay in Chicago. 346 00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:11,693 Eventually, I'm gonna run into Christina 347 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,086 and she'll be holding a baby. 348 00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,566 Hey, as long as she's not thrusting it at you 349 00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,481 saying, "It's your problem now, daddy." 350 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,614 Why do you think I avoid Indiana? 351 00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:23,923 There you are, Carl. I was so worried. 352 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,273 Ah, he's fine. Just a little upset. 353 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,188 Needs to talk things out with his friends. 354 00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:29,885 You came all the way over here to check on me? 355 00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:32,192 Of course, you're like a brother to me. 356 00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:33,367 A brother I would not hesitate to sue 357 00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:35,064 if he skipped out on the rent. 358 00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:37,762 See, people care about you. You can't just run away. 359 00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:38,938 It's the law. 360 00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,591 Eh, well, how can I ever be happy 361 00:15:40,678 --> 00:15:43,725 while another man is living the life I was supposed to live? 362 00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:45,553 I used to feel the same way 363 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:49,209 about underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau. 364 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:51,472 - I love Jacques Cousteau. - Right? 365 00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:55,171 How I envied that red-capped bastard. 366 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,913 While I was busting my hump on land 367 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,046 he was sailing the seven seas. 368 00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:03,136 He had that underwater sub, too. 369 00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:04,224 The Nautilus. 370 00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:05,834 Get you eyeball to eyeball 371 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:08,097 with the legendary giant squid. 372 00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:11,405 They have put men on the moon 373 00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:14,799 but so much of the deep sea is unexplored and unknown. 374 00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:18,151 Right? I mean, anything could be down there. 375 00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,110 It's like these gutters. 376 00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:27,551 Hey, look. Found a bunch of your grandma's old silver. 377 00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,423 Since you've built up a tolerance to the cleaner 378 00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:31,207 I'll let you keep going. 379 00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:35,690 Mom, I'm worried I might be getting permanent brain damage. 380 00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:38,258 That's how I felt hearing you play the piano. We're even. 381 00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:42,958 Where is that clueless knucklehead? 382 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,526 Well, we got a nice assortment on the roof. 383 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,920 ♪ Aye Calypso ♪ 384 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,010 ♪ The places you've been to ♪ 385 00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:52,663 ♪ The things that you've shown us ♪ 386 00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,839 ♪ The stories you tell ♪ 387 00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:56,450 ♪ Aye Calypso ♪ 388 00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:58,539 ♪ I sing to your spirit ♪ 389 00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:02,021 ♪ The men who have served you so long and so well ♪ 390 00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:05,937 ♪ Ay-yeah ooh do-do-do-do ♪ 391 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,898 ♪ Ay-yeah ooh do-do-do-do ♪ 392 00:17:09,985 --> 00:17:12,074 ♪ Ay-yeah ooh ♪ 393 00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:13,771 ♪ Do-do-do-do ♪ 394 00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:18,341 ♪ Ay-yeah ooh do-do-do-do ♪♪ 395 00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,996 Can't believe you just left a message on my machine 396 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,042 telling me you were leaving town. 397 00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:26,088 I was humiliated, grandma. 398 00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,090 More humiliated than when I caught you 399 00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:31,789 cutting a mouth hole in my wig head? 400 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:34,401 I was 13 years old, and that wasn't what it looked like. 401 00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:37,317 It looked like a young boy having sex with a wig head. 402 00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,974 I thought you came here to cheer me up. 403 00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:48,241 Look, boy, losing somebody is never easy. 404 00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:51,766 But you gotta get over this woman and get on with your life. 405 00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,811 It's so hard, grandma. 406 00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:55,726 Having somebody you love not love you back. 407 00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:57,685 I know that. 408 00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,991 When your grandpa left me 409 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:03,995 I thought my whole world was gonna fall apart. 410 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:07,260 - Left you? - No, you told me he died. 411 00:18:07,347 --> 00:18:08,652 What was I gonna tell you? 412 00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:10,219 That I came home one day 413 00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:13,483 he'd packed up all his stuff and skipped town? 414 00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,181 So why did you say he was dead? 415 00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:16,530 He's dead to me. 416 00:18:16,617 --> 00:18:17,792 And if I ever see him again 417 00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:20,751 he'll be dead to everybody else, too. 418 00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:22,536 Disappearing son of a bitch. 419 00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:26,322 Well, why are you telling me this now? 420 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:29,804 Guess I was just too humiliated before. 421 00:18:29,891 --> 00:18:33,547 But, eventually, somebody else came into my life 422 00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:36,027 and brought me more joy 423 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,595 than I could ever imagine. 424 00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:41,207 - Who was that? - I'll give you a hint. 425 00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:46,081 He's young and handsome 426 00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:48,736 and I'm sharing a porch swing with him. 427 00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:54,220 I love you, grandma. 428 00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:55,525 [laughing] 429 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,136 I love you, too. 430 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,098 And if you ever decide to leave town again 431 00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:04,621 you better take me with you. 432 00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:06,797 [chuckles] 433 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,190 It's a deal. 434 00:19:09,974 --> 00:19:12,281 Anywhere but Indiana. 435 00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,683 Mike, I'm stuffed. I can't eat any more of this. 436 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,206 Come on, Molly's gonna be home any minute 437 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:25,947 and I don't want her to know I cheated on my diet. 438 00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,775 But I've already eaten half the pan of veggie lasagna 439 00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:29,429 and four yogurt cups. 440 00:19:29,516 --> 00:19:31,996 Smoke some more pot and tear through this stuff. 441 00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:35,391 Mike, you are a cop. 442 00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,263 I don't think you can legally tell me to do that. 443 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:39,439 Hey, I have turned a blind eye for three years 444 00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,397 while your bedroom smelled like Willie Nelson's beard. 445 00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:43,573 Let's go! 446 00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,401 That's her. Here, hide this in the trunk of your car. 447 00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:47,055 Throw the carrots up on the roof. 448 00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:48,926 There's somethin' up there that will eat anything. 449 00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:53,235 If I have any more of this Turkey chili 450 00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:55,194 I'm gonna crap a pilgrim. 451 00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:58,501 Put the bowl in the sink and rinse it out. 452 00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,199 Go, go, go! 453 00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:05,900 There's my gal. How was the teacher conference? 454 00:20:05,987 --> 00:20:07,336 Oh, I think it was fun. 455 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,643 I was pretty drunk most of the time. 456 00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:12,036 - Did you miss me? - More than I can tell you. 457 00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,299 Oh. 458 00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:24,179 What.. 459 00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:27,008 Why is it raining carrot sticks? 460 00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,402 'Cause my sweetheart's home. 461 00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:41,240 [theme music]