[instrumental music]
This isn't fair. Why do I have to cut out these tulips?
Same reason convicts have to work in the prison laundry.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
- This is stupid. - Quit saying "stupid."
That's why your friends are out riding bikes
and I'm in here riding you.
Hey, that kid said, "In 1982, Columbus sailed the ocean blue."
That doesn't give you the right to call him stupid.
I may have said it, but, everybody else was thinking it.
Well, you need to bite your tongue
and roll your eyes, just like I do.
My dad says that's the reason
this country's going to hell in a hand basket.
Your dad sounds like a piece of work.
Notice I said "piece of work" instead of what
I was really thinking.
He says, "How else are stupid people
gonna learn if we don't call them
on their stupid stuff."
Oh, I love when the parents help.
Hey, sweetie, about ready to go?
Uh, hello, officer. I'm glad you came.
This young man needs to be taught a lesson.
- You called the cops on me? - 'Yes.'
Miss Flynn asked me to come down here
and straighten out a troublemaking delinquent.
Officer Biggs, this misguided youth
addressed another student with a very hurtful term.
Ah, verbal assault.
We in Chicago PD do not take that sort of thing lightly.
Now what was it? Four eyes, shorty, stinky britches?
Mike, it doesn't matter what the actual word was.
The point is that it hurt another boy's feelings.
He said, "In 1982, Columbus sailed the ocean blue."
Well, just 'cause a kid's stupid doesn't mean
you should call him names.
Alright. Alright, Lesson learned.
Out. Go home.
I hope that scared you straight, young fella.
That was kind of fun.
Got to give him the old "good cop
bad cop" routine.
Yeah, I don't know what we just did but
he's gonna be your problem soon enough.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
If we're having baby sex tonight
we should pick up some scented candles.
That way, I don't have to shower.
Or you could just hang two pine fresheners from your ears.
[chuckles] Whatever makes it sexy for you.
Well, actually, I was hoping that maybe
we could just take a little break tonight.
What, did you have a big lunch?
No. I'm just...tired, and I still have
30 more tulips to cut out for the spring recital.
[baby crying]
Oh.
Good for her.
One in the cart and one in the oven..
Doubly blessed.
You're not getting discouraged, are you?
A little.
We should already have a baby
and be resenting it by now.
Excuse us. Sorry.
Oh, he's adorable.
It's my third.
- Nobody likes a bragger. - Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, you're scaring people.
Well, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.
You're not doing anything wrong.
You're gonna be a great mother.
Oh, come on. For God's sake.
She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in!
[instrumental music]
It's so frustrating, Carl.
We keep trying and trying, and so far, no baby.
Well, then now it's time to hunker down.
It's like getting your second wind
at that all-you-can-eat shrimp bar.
Hey, this is a lot harder than
just drinking a glass of Sprite
and farting in the parking lot.
I like how in your version you actually
go out into the parking lot.
The point is, I'm still good to go.
Molly's the one who's getting discouraged.
Of course she is, you're a monotonous man
and I'm betting your lovemaking is a reflection of that.
Hey, guess what, I'm done talking.
Good, 'cause you need to listen.
You, my friend, are a creature of habit.
- Take the way you eat an Oreo. - Not this again.
One twist counterclockwise, lick the top
scrape your teeth on the bottom.
So I'm guessing Molly's getting
pretty much the same treatment.
Hey, I find a system that works, and I stick with it.
No, women like you to change it up.
Did you peruse that Kama Sutra book I gave you?
You mean the used sex manual you hid in my gym bag?
No, I tossed both of them over the Oak Street Bridge.
Man, that's 2,000 years of sexual knowledge you threw away.
It wasn't easy for me. I've had that gym bag since high school.
Well, if you don't want any help from the Hindus
maybe it's time to invite science into your bedroom.
Carl, a sex swing is not considered science.
- I'm talking in vitro. - What's that?
It's a very simple process, which I will explain
to you in Layman's terms.
You take her best eggs..
...and they take your best sperm..
...and mix it all together in a test tube
then put the whole thing back inside the mother..
Congratulations, you're a proud papa.
Ooh, that sperm is hot.
Oh.
[indistinct shouting on TV]
Who cares who the father is?
You're a one-armed stripper. You got bigger problems.
Alright, I'm headed back out.
Tell Mike not to wait up
I'll be home late.
Leaving the house on an ovulation night, huh?
Mike finally check a tiny guest into Motel Molly?
Nope. There's still room at the inn.
Well, it'll happen.
Just got to keep your head down and your legs up.
I have been... I got a crick in my neck
and I've named all my toes.
Sit down for a second.
No, I've got to get back to school.
I'm directing that stupid spring recital.
Sit!
You can't get discouraged.
Things don't always happen in life right when we want them to.
I know, just afraid Mike and I are gonna end up
one of those sad, childless couples.
You mean the ones that dress alike
and sit on the same side of the booth at Denny's?
Eat in silence... go everywhere in their RV
with their rusty-eyed poodle.
Well, if it wasn't for those people
who'd square-dance or power-walk the mall?
Well, I mean, I still have my job, you know.
I've got a roomful of kids that..
That depend on me.
And the upside of that is, you don't have to feed them
or listen to them practice the accordion.
Hey, I got pretty good at that thing.
I played the Oktoberfest at the senior center.
Mm. Most of them couldn't hear.
And the ones that could hear couldn't run.
Okay. Well, good talk, mom.
My point is, I didn't raise you to be a quitter.
What? You were always telling me to quit the accordion.
I had to buy it back at three different garage sales.
But you never gave up.
I'd hate to see you give up now.
I got to go teach a roomful of tone-deaf Ritalin babies
how to Macarena.
One request for the recital.
Try to keep it under four hours
and only do three verses of "This Land Is Your Land."
I got to give every kid a solo, mom.
My advice is to bring a flask and a pair of earplugs.
I still got the ones from when you played the accordion.
[rock music on TV]
Wow. She doesn't need any arms to pick up those singles.
What are you doing down here, Moranto?
Get off there. I'm not even allowed to eat on our bed.
Why are you home so early?
I usually get this place till 4:30.
Scram. This is not your private playhouse.
Whoa, what climbed in your lunch box
and ate your fruit pie?
You know how much it costs to impregnate a woman?
Usually dinner and a show.
And if she's really hot, a couple of months' rent.
I'm talking about in vitro, you clod.
There's lab costs, hormone shots
egg harvesting... it's, like, ten grand a pop
and I don't have that kind of cash.
Your problem is, you want to just work for your money
instead of having your money work for you.
I'm not going to the track with you again, Vince.
Your sure thing jumped the fence
and ran right into the glue factory.
Man, it was a bad day.
And it didn't help that the jockey was bigger than you.
Hit the stairs, Moranto.
Okay, fine.
I was trying to share a business opportunity with you
but if you don't want to hear it, I'll take my leave.
Selling porn out of the back of your trunk
on Maxwell Street? No, thank you.
The Internet killed that cash cow.
I'm talking about a legitimate financial investment
but if you don't like money, adios.
- Hang on a second. - Yes?
What kind of investment are you talking about?
- Ostriches. - Good-bye.
The meat of the future.
High in protein, low in fat
and their drumsticks are six feet long.
I did have an ostrich burger at the Cook County Fair
and it was surprisingly tasty.
Sixty-six percent less fat than beef.
Fifty percent less fat than chicken
and contains more iron than a blood-mobile.
So what's the deal, you bought a couple of ostriches
and now you're trying to pawn them off on me?
There's a boatload of those feathered freaks
coming in from Australia next week
and three of them got my name on them.
You're not keeping them in my bedroom.
It's bad enough having you down here eating and crapping.
Listen to me, I got a buddy in Merrillville
with a couple of acres of land
and he just needs a little seed money.
- Seed money? - Yeah.
Apparently, ostriches eat seeds.
You telling me that there's actually
money to be made in those things?
You kidding me?
Ostriches are the new gold!
A few years from now, people are gonna be saying
"He's worth his weight in ostrich meat."
I don't know, it's coming out of your mouth
so it must be stupid.
Fine.
Enjoy living in a basement for the rest of your life.
Oh, and don't say anything to Joyce about this.
She's still on my back for dropping
all that money on solar scooters.
One kid's tennis shoes melt, and everybody panics.
♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪♪
Alright, that needs work.
Let's take five, hen we'll run the whole show from the top.
And pick up yo pace. I don't care what you have to do.
Sweet Tarts, Pixy Stix, go to the gas station
get a Red Bull. I don't have to know!
I just want this show to sparkle!
Trevor, you are all over the map with the spotlights.
It's like a prison break up here.
My arms are tired!
Not as tired as they're gonna be cutting tulips.
This thing is gonna be a four and a half hour train wreck.
We're gonna have to lock the doors from the outside.
I'll slip a few bucks to the fire marshal, we should be okay.
No, he popped his head in last year during The Happy Wanderer.
He's not gonna be anywhere near this place.
It's gonna be fine. It always works out.
And these kids really respond to you.
Yeah. They do, right?
I've never seen anything like it.
Oh. Just, it's a natural mothering instinct.
You know, loving but firm. Attentive but not overbearing.
Everything a mother should have.
Except a kid. Damn my slow uterus!
- You okay? - Yup!
Not now, Trevor!
You know, this is the third time
we've picked you up for indecent exposure.
I'm starting to think you just like riding in a car naked.
Oh, how was I supposed to know
that that place wasn't a nude beach?
Because it was indoors, everybody was drinking coffee
and they all had their clothes on.
Well, I'm not ashamed of my body.
From what I saw, you should be.
Those things was hanging down like wind chimes.
That's why I had to get rid of my cat.
Just sit back, shut up and keep your butt on the blanket.
Aye, aye, Captain Binghamton.
I don't get it, Carl. Molly's just given up.
Guess I'm gonna have to get used
to the idea of not being a dad.
Well, that's a damn waste.
A guy with a lap that seats three kids
ain't even gonna have one.
You know, this whole time we've been trying
I thought I was doing it for Molly.
Now I realize how much I want a kid.
Of course you do.
You want to teach him how to ride a bike or play catch
or grab the colder beers from the back of the fridge.
Actually, Carl, I always had my heart set on a little girl.
- A daughter? - Yeah.
I could see myself telling her stories
and walking her to school and warning her about boys.
Putting her hair in pigtails
holding her little hand while she crosses the street.
Be waiting for her when she got home from her first date.
And walking her down the aisle when she got married.
[sighs] They grow up so quick.
And no one can ever break the bond
between a father and a daughter.
No how, no way.
Ah, she's always gonna be
daddy's little girl forever.
Hey, you know, we could've built her
a playhouse in the backyard.
Had a tea party on a tiny little table.
"Would you like some more cream, Uncle Carl?"
"You bet I would, sunshine."
I can't give up, Carl. That little girl needs her daddy.
And her Uncle Carl, too.
Remind me to call my daughter when I get home
and tell her how much I love her? Eah?
And to meet me at the police station...
..with $200 bail money
and a pair of pants.
[instrumental music]
This is a good look for you.
You might want to stick with this even after the recital.
Victoria, this is a barnyard, not a brothel.
- Cows don't wear lipstick. - They don't tap-dance either.
Let's not start poking holes in reality.
Alright, scoot. Go wipe that off and put on your cowbell.
And no more glitter lipstick.
Oh! She stresses me out.
You don't smoke, do you?
How are we doing?
Oh, I think we're gonna be okay.
Our banty rooster came down with chicken pox, ironically
but think the show must go on, huh?
I just want to say, you've done
a remarkable job with this whole thing.
Oh, well, you've been my rock.
I mean, if you weren't here, I think
a couple of chickens would be sleeping with the fishes.
Miss Flynn, I think one of the pigs pooped his pants.
Perfect. Told you all to eat light on show night!
It's a big show tonight, huh?
My brother's a donkey.
So is my best friend.
Sophie's my best friend.
Oh, hi, Sophie. Nice to meet you.
- She's shy. - Well, she just met me.
She'll warm up to me.
Can you hold my doll so she can see?
Absolutely.
Is that better, Sophie?
Well, thanks.
I knew you'd warm up to me.
How's it going back there?
I had to flirt with one of the janitors
so he'd give me a drink of his moonshine.
- Opening night jitters? - No.
Molly's driving everybody crazy.
I know she's your wife, but she can be a real B-I-T-C-H.
Hey, that's a bad word!
Wow, you spell good.
Give me my doll back.
Real nice, potty mouth.
Okay, it's a packed house.
We're looking at a packed house!
Alright, we've worked really hard to get here
and it's been a lot of hard nights
and a few tears and some poop.
But I know that
as soon as your moms and your dads see how hard
you have worked, that they're gonna be
just as proud of you as I am.
Okay, so go out there and shine.
Shine like the little stars I know you are.
Go, go, go
Oh, God, I'm glad we're not charging admission.
- Have a great opening night. - Oh, that is so sweet.
I really appreciate all your help.
Oh, it's been my pleasure.
I've, uh, I've enjoyed
the time we've spent together.
It's been really fun, huh?
Oh! What are you doing?
- I'm married. - Sounded a little rocky.
Oh, so you thought you'd just step in
and take advantage of a vulnerable woman?
No, no, that's not..
Listen, pal, I love my husband.
I mean, I'm flattered, but what a dink move.
I...I'm sorry if I overstepped.
Well, overstep your ass to the piano
and start tickling the ivories before I start tickling yours!
Damn musicians.
Show business. Sickening.
Trevor!
♪ The other night dear as I lay sleeping ♪
♪ I dreamed I held you in my arms ♪
♪ When I awoke dear I was mistaken ♪
♪ And I held my head and cried ♪
♪ Wah Wah you are my sunshine ♪
♪ My only sunshine ♪
♪ You make me happy ♪
♪ When skies are gray ♪♪ Gray gray gray ♪
♪ You'll never know dear how much I love you ♪
♪ Please don't take my sunshine away. ♪
Trevor!
[applauds]
You guys were amazing.
I'm so proud of all of you.
You really nailed it.
Wow! I don't know what to say.
It was not nearly as horrible as I thought it was gonna be!
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I only started to doze off once.
But then the silo fell over, you had me to the end.
Can I, uh, buy you a little celebratory drink?
No, but, uh, how about we open a bottle of champagne
and see where the night takes us?
But you're not ovulating anymore.
Well, I'm still married to the man that gives me butterflies
every time I see him walk into the room.
I just want to say again how..
Yeah, tell your story walking, piano man.
It's 8:05.
Relax, will you? He'll be here.
He was supposed to be here at 7:30.
He's a hillbilly, they tell time by the position
of the sun or which way the cows are facing.
They don't know our modern ways.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about this, Vince.
Hey, we're not hurting these animals.
We're feeding them and letting them screw.
Tell me, if you were an ostrich, you wouldn't want that gig?
This is a lot of money to be betting on a bunch of birds.
There's no betting involved.
You're building a secure financial foundation
for your wife and future children by investing
in the breeding and slaughtering of senseless animals.
Hey, Vinny.
Dwight, where the hell you been
you inbred bastard?
We're sitting here for 45 minutes.
Don't you start in with me, you Italian fireplug.
You know I hate driving my rig in this godforsaken town.
Yeah, yeah. Welcome to life in the big city.
Enjoy our toothbrushes and indoor plumbing.
Is this the guy?
My investment partner, Officer Michael Biggs.
Look, uh, this is a lot of money for me.
You sure this is a good investment?
Money in the bank. Enough for ten birds.
Five boys and five girls.
Look, I already told you, grease ball.
You only need one stud cock
and the rest breeding hens.
It ain't like any of them is looking for their soul mate.
Don't push me, dueling banjos.
Just pick us out some good birds
and get back to your cousin-wife.
Hey, I scraped something bigger than you off my boot
this morning, and it smelled better than you, too.
When did you start wearing shoes?
Did your pappy go to town and sell a pig?
No. I shaved off your mama's mustache
and sold it to a wig store.
Hang on a second. I-I thought you guys were friends.
We are. I'd take a bullet for this baldheaded little wop.
That goes double for me, you dumb-ass cracker.
By the way, you got that 100 bucks you owe me?
- I do now. - Hey!
Or we could double down.
Let's roll, Jethro.
Say, "One, two, three, go."
One, two, three, go.
Guys, I'm not really sure about this.
Hey, hee-haw, is that your truck being towed?
No, I ain't falling for that one again.
You know, maybe I should just put this in a low-risk CD.
You know, low-risk, minimal return. No arm-wrestling!
[theme music]