1 00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:04,439 [instrumental music] 2 00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:07,181 This isn't fair. Why do I have to cut out these tulips? 3 00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:09,400 Same reason convicts have to work in the prison laundry. 4 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:12,403 Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. 5 00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:14,927 - This is stupid. - Quit saying "stupid." 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,625 That's why your friends are out riding bikes 7 00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:19,193 and I'm in here riding you. 8 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,414 Hey, that kid said, "In 1982, Columbus sailed the ocean blue." 9 00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:25,764 That doesn't give you the right to call him stupid. 10 00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:29,942 I may have said it, but, everybody else was thinking it. 11 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,248 Well, you need to bite your tongue 12 00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:34,208 and roll your eyes, just like I do. 13 00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:35,774 My dad says that's the reason 14 00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:38,299 this country's going to hell in a hand basket. 15 00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:41,519 Your dad sounds like a piece of work. 16 00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,391 Notice I said "piece of work" instead of what 17 00:00:43,478 --> 00:00:45,828 I was really thinking. 18 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,873 He says, "How else are stupid people 19 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,092 gonna learn if we don't call them 20 00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:50,354 on their stupid stuff." 21 00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:51,616 Oh, I love when the parents help. 22 00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:55,490 Hey, sweetie, about ready to go? 23 00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:58,797 Uh, hello, officer. I'm glad you came. 24 00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:01,322 This young man needs to be taught a lesson. 25 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,237 - You called the cops on me? - 'Yes.' 26 00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:04,760 Miss Flynn asked me to come down here 27 00:01:04,847 --> 00:01:06,675 and straighten out a troublemaking delinquent. 28 00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:08,938 Officer Biggs, this misguided youth 29 00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:11,506 addressed another student with a very hurtful term. 30 00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:13,943 Ah, verbal assault. 31 00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:17,947 We in Chicago PD do not take that sort of thing lightly. 32 00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:21,342 Now what was it? Four eyes, shorty, stinky britches? 33 00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:24,301 Mike, it doesn't matter what the actual word was. 34 00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:26,912 The point is that it hurt another boy's feelings. 35 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:30,525 He said, "In 1982, Columbus sailed the ocean blue." 36 00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:32,440 Well, just 'cause a kid's stupid doesn't mean 37 00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:33,571 you should call him names. 38 00:01:33,658 --> 00:01:35,312 Alright. Alright, Lesson learned. 39 00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,575 Out. Go home. 40 00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,970 I hope that scared you straight, young fella. 41 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,102 That was kind of fun. 42 00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,320 Got to give him the old "good cop 43 00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:44,713 bad cop" routine. 44 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,149 Yeah, I don't know what we just did but 45 00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:49,065 he's gonna be your problem soon enough. 46 00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:54,592 ♪ For the first time in my life ♪ 47 00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:58,509 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 48 00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,653 If we're having baby sex tonight 49 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,350 we should pick up some scented candles. 50 00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:15,178 That way, I don't have to shower. 51 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:17,746 Or you could just hang two pine fresheners from your ears. 52 00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:20,488 [chuckles] Whatever makes it sexy for you. 53 00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:22,185 Well, actually, I was hoping that maybe 54 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,839 we could just take a little break tonight. 55 00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,580 What, did you have a big lunch? 56 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:28,583 No. I'm just...tired, and I still have 57 00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:31,716 30 more tulips to cut out for the spring recital. 58 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:32,717 [baby crying] 59 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,066 Oh. 60 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,459 Good for her. 61 00:02:35,546 --> 00:02:37,026 One in the cart and one in the oven.. 62 00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:40,247 Doubly blessed. 63 00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:42,379 You're not getting discouraged, are you? 64 00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:43,424 A little. 65 00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:44,555 We should already have a baby 66 00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:46,427 and be resenting it by now. 67 00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,472 Excuse us. Sorry. 68 00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:49,952 Oh, he's adorable. 69 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,910 It's my third. 70 00:02:51,997 --> 00:02:54,217 - Nobody likes a bragger. - Hey, hey, hey. 71 00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:55,610 Come on, you're scaring people. 72 00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:57,960 Well, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. 73 00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:00,615 You're not doing anything wrong. 74 00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:03,966 You're gonna be a great mother. 75 00:03:04,053 --> 00:03:05,750 Oh, come on. For God's sake. 76 00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:08,188 She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in! 77 00:03:10,233 --> 00:03:12,627 [instrumental music] 78 00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:16,152 It's so frustrating, Carl. 79 00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:19,111 We keep trying and trying, and so far, no baby. 80 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,765 Well, then now it's time to hunker down. 81 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:21,940 It's like getting your second wind 82 00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,072 at that all-you-can-eat shrimp bar. 83 00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:24,160 Hey, this is a lot harder than 84 00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:25,422 just drinking a glass of Sprite 85 00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:27,816 and farting in the parking lot. 86 00:03:27,903 --> 00:03:29,252 I like how in your version you actually 87 00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:31,385 go out into the parking lot. 88 00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,213 The point is, I'm still good to go. 89 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,823 Molly's the one who's getting discouraged. 90 00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,694 Of course she is, you're a monotonous man 91 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,653 and I'm betting your lovemaking is a reflection of that. 92 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,524 Hey, guess what, I'm done talking. 93 00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:42,222 Good, 'cause you need to listen. 94 00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:44,833 You, my friend, are a creature of habit. 95 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,878 - Take the way you eat an Oreo. - Not this again. 96 00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:48,532 One twist counterclockwise, lick the top 97 00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:49,968 scrape your teeth on the bottom. 98 00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:51,013 So I'm guessing Molly's getting 99 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,189 pretty much the same treatment. 100 00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,844 Hey, I find a system that works, and I stick with it. 101 00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:57,715 No, women like you to change it up. 102 00:03:57,802 --> 00:03:59,587 Did you peruse that Kama Sutra book I gave you? 103 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:02,154 You mean the used sex manual you hid in my gym bag? 104 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,114 No, I tossed both of them over the Oak Street Bridge. 105 00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:07,464 Man, that's 2,000 years of sexual knowledge you threw away. 106 00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:11,338 It wasn't easy for me. I've had that gym bag since high school. 107 00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:13,209 Well, if you don't want any help from the Hindus 108 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,298 maybe it's time to invite science into your bedroom. 109 00:04:15,385 --> 00:04:18,562 Carl, a sex swing is not considered science. 110 00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,869 - I'm talking in vitro. - What's that? 111 00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:22,871 It's a very simple process, which I will explain 112 00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:24,873 to you in Layman's terms. 113 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,918 You take her best eggs.. 114 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:31,880 ...and they take your best sperm.. 115 00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:34,230 ...and mix it all together in a test tube 116 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:37,189 then put the whole thing back inside the mother.. 117 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,280 Congratulations, you're a proud papa. 118 00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:43,283 Ooh, that sperm is hot. 119 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,980 Oh. 120 00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:49,419 [indistinct shouting on TV] 121 00:04:49,506 --> 00:04:51,291 Who cares who the father is? 122 00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:54,032 You're a one-armed stripper. You got bigger problems. 123 00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:56,426 Alright, I'm headed back out. 124 00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:57,471 Tell Mike not to wait up 125 00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:58,820 I'll be home late. 126 00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:01,649 Leaving the house on an ovulation night, huh? 127 00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:05,653 Mike finally check a tiny guest into Motel Molly? 128 00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:08,438 Nope. There's still room at the inn. 129 00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,832 Well, it'll happen. 130 00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,921 Just got to keep your head down and your legs up. 131 00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:14,444 I have been... I got a crick in my neck 132 00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:17,055 and I've named all my toes. 133 00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:18,318 Sit down for a second. 134 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,797 No, I've got to get back to school. 135 00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:21,364 I'm directing that stupid spring recital. 136 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:23,192 Sit! 137 00:05:25,063 --> 00:05:27,370 You can't get discouraged. 138 00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:30,373 Things don't always happen in life right when we want them to. 139 00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,549 I know, just afraid Mike and I are gonna end up 140 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:35,291 one of those sad, childless couples. 141 00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:36,684 You mean the ones that dress alike 142 00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:38,990 and sit on the same side of the booth at Denny's? 143 00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:41,776 Eat in silence... go everywhere in their RV 144 00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:44,735 with their rusty-eyed poodle. 145 00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:48,565 Well, if it wasn't for those people 146 00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:51,612 who'd square-dance or power-walk the mall? 147 00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:56,399 Well, I mean, I still have my job, you know. 148 00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,619 I've got a roomful of kids that.. 149 00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,360 That depend on me. 150 00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:02,710 And the upside of that is, you don't have to feed them 151 00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,929 or listen to them practice the accordion. 152 00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,670 Hey, I got pretty good at that thing. 153 00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:08,716 I played the Oktoberfest at the senior center. 154 00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:11,109 Mm. Most of them couldn't hear. 155 00:06:11,196 --> 00:06:12,459 And the ones that could hear couldn't run. 156 00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:14,983 Okay. Well, good talk, mom. 157 00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:18,160 My point is, I didn't raise you to be a quitter. 158 00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:20,771 What? You were always telling me to quit the accordion. 159 00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:23,687 I had to buy it back at three different garage sales. 160 00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,820 But you never gave up. 161 00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:27,822 I'd hate to see you give up now. 162 00:06:27,909 --> 00:06:30,825 I got to go teach a roomful of tone-deaf Ritalin babies 163 00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,609 how to Macarena. 164 00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,655 One request for the recital. 165 00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,352 Try to keep it under four hours 166 00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:39,224 and only do three verses of "This Land Is Your Land." 167 00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:40,835 I got to give every kid a solo, mom. 168 00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:43,620 My advice is to bring a flask and a pair of earplugs. 169 00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,493 I still got the ones from when you played the accordion. 170 00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,541 [rock music on TV] 171 00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:55,502 Wow. She doesn't need any arms to pick up those singles. 172 00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:00,898 What are you doing down here, Moranto? 173 00:07:00,985 --> 00:07:03,423 Get off there. I'm not even allowed to eat on our bed. 174 00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:04,685 Why are you home so early? 175 00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:07,165 I usually get this place till 4:30. 176 00:07:07,252 --> 00:07:09,341 Scram. This is not your private playhouse. 177 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,735 Whoa, what climbed in your lunch box 178 00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:14,695 and ate your fruit pie? 179 00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:16,436 You know how much it costs to impregnate a woman? 180 00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,220 Usually dinner and a show. 181 00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:20,657 And if she's really hot, a couple of months' rent. 182 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,139 I'm talking about in vitro, you clod. 183 00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:26,489 There's lab costs, hormone shots 184 00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:28,230 egg harvesting... it's, like, ten grand a pop 185 00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:29,971 and I don't have that kind of cash. 186 00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:31,973 Your problem is, you want to just work for your money 187 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,801 instead of having your money work for you. 188 00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:35,803 I'm not going to the track with you again, Vince. 189 00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:37,152 Your sure thing jumped the fence 190 00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:40,068 and ran right into the glue factory. 191 00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:41,678 Man, it was a bad day. 192 00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:44,681 And it didn't help that the jockey was bigger than you. 193 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,031 Hit the stairs, Moranto. 194 00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,946 Okay, fine. 195 00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:51,383 I was trying to share a business opportunity with you 196 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:55,083 but if you don't want to hear it, I'll take my leave. 197 00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:57,041 Selling porn out of the back of your trunk 198 00:07:57,128 --> 00:07:58,826 on Maxwell Street? No, thank you. 199 00:07:58,913 --> 00:08:00,480 The Internet killed that cash cow. 200 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,047 I'm talking about a legitimate financial investment 201 00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,833 but if you don't like money, adios. 202 00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:09,880 - Hang on a second. - Yes? 203 00:08:11,403 --> 00:08:13,057 What kind of investment are you talking about? 204 00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:15,190 - Ostriches. - Good-bye. 205 00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,626 The meat of the future. 206 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,802 High in protein, low in fat 207 00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:23,459 and their drumsticks are six feet long. 208 00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,940 I did have an ostrich burger at the Cook County Fair 209 00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:28,116 and it was surprisingly tasty. 210 00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:30,422 Sixty-six percent less fat than beef. 211 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,860 Fifty percent less fat than chicken 212 00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:37,429 and contains more iron than a blood-mobile. 213 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,084 So what's the deal, you bought a couple of ostriches 214 00:08:40,171 --> 00:08:42,783 and now you're trying to pawn them off on me? 215 00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:45,220 There's a boatload of those feathered freaks 216 00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:46,917 coming in from Australia next week 217 00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:50,225 and three of them got my name on them. 218 00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:51,835 You're not keeping them in my bedroom. 219 00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:55,535 It's bad enough having you down here eating and crapping. 220 00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,667 Listen to me, I got a buddy in Merrillville 221 00:08:57,754 --> 00:08:59,060 with a couple of acres of land 222 00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:01,279 and he just needs a little seed money. 223 00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:02,542 - Seed money? - Yeah. 224 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:05,632 Apparently, ostriches eat seeds. 225 00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:09,810 You telling me that there's actually 226 00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,681 money to be made in those things? 227 00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:12,943 You kidding me? 228 00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,728 Ostriches are the new gold! 229 00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:17,208 A few years from now, people are gonna be saying 230 00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,820 "He's worth his weight in ostrich meat." 231 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,389 I don't know, it's coming out of your mouth 232 00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:26,435 so it must be stupid. 233 00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,132 Fine. 234 00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,613 Enjoy living in a basement for the rest of your life. 235 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:33,137 Oh, and don't say anything to Joyce about this. 236 00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:34,704 She's still on my back for dropping 237 00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,793 all that money on solar scooters. 238 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,449 One kid's tennis shoes melt, and everybody panics. 239 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,280 ♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪ 240 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:49,458 ♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪♪ 241 00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:51,112 Alright, that needs work. 242 00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:54,245 Let's take five, hen we'll run the whole show from the top. 243 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:58,206 And pick up yo pace. I don't care what you have to do. 244 00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:00,904 Sweet Tarts, Pixy Stix, go to the gas station 245 00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:03,167 get a Red Bull. I don't have to know! 246 00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:04,691 I just want this show to sparkle! 247 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:07,868 Trevor, you are all over the map with the spotlights. 248 00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:09,521 It's like a prison break up here. 249 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,958 My arms are tired! 250 00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:13,874 Not as tired as they're gonna be cutting tulips. 251 00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,227 This thing is gonna be a four and a half hour train wreck. 252 00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:22,491 We're gonna have to lock the doors from the outside. 253 00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:24,972 I'll slip a few bucks to the fire marshal, we should be okay. 254 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:27,539 No, he popped his head in last year during The Happy Wanderer. 255 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,717 He's not gonna be anywhere near this place. 256 00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:32,632 It's gonna be fine. It always works out. 257 00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,111 And these kids really respond to you. 258 00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:35,983 Yeah. They do, right? 259 00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:38,333 I've never seen anything like it. 260 00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,944 Oh. Just, it's a natural mothering instinct. 261 00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:44,513 You know, loving but firm. Attentive but not overbearing. 262 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,123 Everything a mother should have. 263 00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:49,649 Except a kid. Damn my slow uterus! 264 00:10:51,389 --> 00:10:54,175 - You okay? - Yup! 265 00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:56,656 Not now, Trevor! 266 00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,189 You know, this is the third time 267 00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:09,930 we've picked you up for indecent exposure. 268 00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:12,584 I'm starting to think you just like riding in a car naked. 269 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,977 Oh, how was I supposed to know 270 00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:17,154 that that place wasn't a nude beach? 271 00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:19,504 Because it was indoors, everybody was drinking coffee 272 00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:22,333 and they all had their clothes on. 273 00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:24,205 Well, I'm not ashamed of my body. 274 00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,902 From what I saw, you should be. 275 00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,599 Those things was hanging down like wind chimes. 276 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:31,038 That's why I had to get rid of my cat. 277 00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:33,867 Just sit back, shut up and keep your butt on the blanket. 278 00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:37,044 Aye, aye, Captain Binghamton. 279 00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:39,655 I don't get it, Carl. Molly's just given up. 280 00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:40,787 Guess I'm gonna have to get used 281 00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,528 to the idea of not being a dad. 282 00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,095 Well, that's a damn waste. 283 00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:46,618 A guy with a lap that seats three kids 284 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,708 ain't even gonna have one. 285 00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:49,970 You know, this whole time we've been trying 286 00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:51,754 I thought I was doing it for Molly. 287 00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,974 Now I realize how much I want a kid. 288 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,540 Of course you do. 289 00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:58,935 You want to teach him how to ride a bike or play catch 290 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:02,547 or grab the colder beers from the back of the fridge. 291 00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:06,900 Actually, Carl, I always had my heart set on a little girl. 292 00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:08,815 - A daughter? - Yeah. 293 00:12:08,902 --> 00:12:10,904 I could see myself telling her stories 294 00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:14,603 and walking her to school and warning her about boys. 295 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,344 Putting her hair in pigtails 296 00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,215 holding her little hand while she crosses the street. 297 00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:21,566 Be waiting for her when she got home from her first date. 298 00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:23,699 And walking her down the aisle when she got married. 299 00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:26,267 [sighs] They grow up so quick. 300 00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:28,748 And no one can ever break the bond 301 00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,053 between a father and a daughter. 302 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:31,098 No how, no way. 303 00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:32,142 Ah, she's always gonna be 304 00:12:32,229 --> 00:12:33,753 daddy's little girl forever. 305 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:34,754 Hey, you know, we could've built her 306 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,016 a playhouse in the backyard. 307 00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:38,540 Had a tea party on a tiny little table. 308 00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:41,369 "Would you like some more cream, Uncle Carl?" 309 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:44,198 "You bet I would, sunshine." 310 00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:46,548 I can't give up, Carl. That little girl needs her daddy. 311 00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:49,507 And her Uncle Carl, too. 312 00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:51,422 Remind me to call my daughter when I get home 313 00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,685 and tell her how much I love her? Eah? 314 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:57,124 And to meet me at the police station... 315 00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:59,691 ..with $200 bail money 316 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,650 and a pair of pants. 317 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,088 [instrumental music] 318 00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:07,917 This is a good look for you. 319 00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:11,225 You might want to stick with this even after the recital. 320 00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:13,923 Victoria, this is a barnyard, not a brothel. 321 00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,404 - Cows don't wear lipstick. - They don't tap-dance either. 322 00:13:16,491 --> 00:13:18,580 Let's not start poking holes in reality. 323 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,278 Alright, scoot. Go wipe that off and put on your cowbell. 324 00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:22,540 And no more glitter lipstick. 325 00:13:22,627 --> 00:13:25,239 Oh! She stresses me out. 326 00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:28,720 You don't smoke, do you? 327 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:29,765 How are we doing? 328 00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:32,115 Oh, I think we're gonna be okay. 329 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:35,118 Our banty rooster came down with chicken pox, ironically 330 00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:38,078 but think the show must go on, huh? 331 00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:39,470 I just want to say, you've done 332 00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:40,820 a remarkable job with this whole thing. 333 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,952 Oh, well, you've been my rock. 334 00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:45,172 I mean, if you weren't here, I think 335 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:47,522 a couple of chickens would be sleeping with the fishes. 336 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:51,961 Miss Flynn, I think one of the pigs pooped his pants. 337 00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:55,617 Perfect. Told you all to eat light on show night! 338 00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:00,796 It's a big show tonight, huh? 339 00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,537 My brother's a donkey. 340 00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:04,495 So is my best friend. 341 00:14:04,582 --> 00:14:06,149 Sophie's my best friend. 342 00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:08,456 Oh, hi, Sophie. Nice to meet you. 343 00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,850 - She's shy. - Well, she just met me. 344 00:14:10,937 --> 00:14:12,286 She'll warm up to me. 345 00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:14,679 Can you hold my doll so she can see? 346 00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,986 Absolutely. 347 00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:19,423 Is that better, Sophie? 348 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:20,860 Well, thanks. 349 00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,644 I knew you'd warm up to me. 350 00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:25,908 How's it going back there? 351 00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,344 I had to flirt with one of the janitors 352 00:14:27,431 --> 00:14:30,478 so he'd give me a drink of his moonshine. 353 00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:31,827 - Opening night jitters? - No. 354 00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,524 Molly's driving everybody crazy. 355 00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:36,658 I know she's your wife, but she can be a real B-I-T-C-H. 356 00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:39,182 Hey, that's a bad word! 357 00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,967 Wow, you spell good. 358 00:14:41,054 --> 00:14:42,882 Give me my doll back. 359 00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:47,799 Real nice, potty mouth. 360 00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:51,412 Okay, it's a packed house. 361 00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,240 We're looking at a packed house! 362 00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:56,286 Alright, we've worked really hard to get here 363 00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:58,419 and it's been a lot of hard nights 364 00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:00,247 and a few tears and some poop. 365 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:01,813 But I know that 366 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,555 as soon as your moms and your dads see how hard 367 00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:05,774 you have worked, that they're gonna be 368 00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,168 just as proud of you as I am. 369 00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:09,691 Okay, so go out there and shine. 370 00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:12,346 Shine like the little stars I know you are. 371 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,740 Go, go, go 372 00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:18,352 Oh, God, I'm glad we're not charging admission. 373 00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:25,228 - Have a great opening night. - Oh, that is so sweet. 374 00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:26,751 I really appreciate all your help. 375 00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:28,188 Oh, it's been my pleasure. 376 00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:29,232 I've, uh, I've enjoyed 377 00:15:29,319 --> 00:15:30,277 the time we've spent together. 378 00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,844 It's been really fun, huh? 379 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,585 Oh! What are you doing? 380 00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,936 - I'm married. - Sounded a little rocky. 381 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,328 Oh, so you thought you'd just step in 382 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,069 and take advantage of a vulnerable woman? 383 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,375 No, no, that's not.. 384 00:15:41,462 --> 00:15:42,898 Listen, pal, I love my husband. 385 00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:46,771 I mean, I'm flattered, but what a dink move. 386 00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:49,774 I...I'm sorry if I overstepped. 387 00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:52,429 Well, overstep your ass to the piano 388 00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:55,867 and start tickling the ivories before I start tickling yours! 389 00:15:57,391 --> 00:15:59,697 Damn musicians. 390 00:16:02,831 --> 00:16:05,181 Show business. Sickening. 391 00:16:09,707 --> 00:16:11,535 Trevor! 392 00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:19,326 ♪ The other night dear as I lay sleeping ♪ 393 00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:23,504 ♪ I dreamed I held you in my arms ♪ 394 00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:27,769 ♪ When I awoke dear I was mistaken ♪ 395 00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:30,990 ♪ And I held my head and cried ♪ 396 00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:33,862 ♪ Wah Wah you are my sunshine ♪ 397 00:16:33,949 --> 00:16:36,038 ♪ My only sunshine ♪ 398 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,909 ♪ You make me happy ♪ 399 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,042 ♪ When skies are gray ♪♪ Gray gray gray ♪ 400 00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:44,394 ♪ You'll never know dear how much I love you ♪ 401 00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:49,182 ♪ Please don't take my sunshine away. ♪ 402 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,924 Trevor! 403 00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:57,233 [applauds] 404 00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:03,674 You guys were amazing. 405 00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,720 I'm so proud of all of you. 406 00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:06,938 You really nailed it. 407 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,115 Wow! I don't know what to say. 408 00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,639 It was not nearly as horrible as I thought it was gonna be! 409 00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:13,510 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 410 00:17:13,597 --> 00:17:14,990 I only started to doze off once. 411 00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:18,298 But then the silo fell over, you had me to the end. 412 00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:21,040 Can I, uh, buy you a little celebratory drink? 413 00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:24,869 No, but, uh, how about we open a bottle of champagne 414 00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:26,393 and see where the night takes us? 415 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,134 But you're not ovulating anymore. 416 00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:30,701 Well, I'm still married to the man that gives me butterflies 417 00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:33,008 every time I see him walk into the room. 418 00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,491 I just want to say again how.. 419 00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:40,537 Yeah, tell your story walking, piano man. 420 00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:48,110 It's 8:05. 421 00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:49,459 Relax, will you? He'll be here. 422 00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:51,070 He was supposed to be here at 7:30. 423 00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,246 He's a hillbilly, they tell time by the position 424 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,422 of the sun or which way the cows are facing. 425 00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:57,641 They don't know our modern ways. 426 00:17:57,728 --> 00:17:59,861 I'm starting to have second thoughts about this, Vince. 427 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:02,255 Hey, we're not hurting these animals. 428 00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:04,648 We're feeding them and letting them screw. 429 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:08,957 Tell me, if you were an ostrich, you wouldn't want that gig? 430 00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,612 This is a lot of money to be betting on a bunch of birds. 431 00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,353 There's no betting involved. 432 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,616 You're building a secure financial foundation 433 00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:17,835 for your wife and future children by investing 434 00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:21,274 in the breeding and slaughtering of senseless animals. 435 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:23,885 Hey, Vinny. 436 00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:25,016 Dwight, where the hell you been 437 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,148 you inbred bastard? 438 00:18:26,235 --> 00:18:28,194 We're sitting here for 45 minutes. 439 00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:31,806 Don't you start in with me, you Italian fireplug. 440 00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:34,548 You know I hate driving my rig in this godforsaken town. 441 00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:36,680 Yeah, yeah. Welcome to life in the big city. 442 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,727 Enjoy our toothbrushes and indoor plumbing. 443 00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:42,730 Is this the guy? 444 00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:45,167 My investment partner, Officer Michael Biggs. 445 00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:47,387 Look, uh, this is a lot of money for me. 446 00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:48,910 You sure this is a good investment? 447 00:18:48,997 --> 00:18:50,999 Money in the bank. Enough for ten birds. 448 00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,653 Five boys and five girls. 449 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,307 Look, I already told you, grease ball. 450 00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,222 You only need one stud cock 451 00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:58,006 and the rest breeding hens. 452 00:18:58,093 --> 00:19:00,748 It ain't like any of them is looking for their soul mate. 453 00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:02,750 Don't push me, dueling banjos. 454 00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:04,143 Just pick us out some good birds 455 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,494 and get back to your cousin-wife. 456 00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,887 Hey, I scraped something bigger than you off my boot 457 00:19:09,974 --> 00:19:12,412 this morning, and it smelled better than you, too. 458 00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:14,153 When did you start wearing shoes? 459 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,156 Did your pappy go to town and sell a pig? 460 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,029 No. I shaved off your mama's mustache 461 00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:24,293 and sold it to a wig store. 462 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,339 Hang on a second. I-I thought you guys were friends. 463 00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:31,039 We are. I'd take a bullet for this baldheaded little wop. 464 00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:33,433 That goes double for me, you dumb-ass cracker. 465 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,478 By the way, you got that 100 bucks you owe me? 466 00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,828 - I do now. - Hey! 467 00:19:37,915 --> 00:19:39,482 Or we could double down. 468 00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:40,918 Let's roll, Jethro. 469 00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:42,398 Say, "One, two, three, go." 470 00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:43,791 One, two, three, go. 471 00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,488 Guys, I'm not really sure about this. 472 00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:48,317 Hey, hee-haw, is that your truck being towed? 473 00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,363 No, I ain't falling for that one again. 474 00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,626 You know, maybe I should just put this in a low-risk CD. 475 00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:55,498 You know, low-risk, minimal return. No arm-wrestling! 476 00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:03,506 [theme music]