1 00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:03,742 Dwight, where's that truck? 2 00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,831 You were supposed to have those ostriches here two days ago 3 00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:07,355 you cud-chewing hayseed. 4 00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:10,401 Don't make him mad, he's got our money. 5 00:00:10,488 --> 00:00:14,057 Relax! I'm the godfather to his oldest girl. 6 00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:15,754 Listen, you inbred halfwit. 7 00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:20,150 Get those birds to Chicago and quit bumping ugly 8 00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:23,197 with every truck stop troll that flashes her tooth at you. 9 00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:26,983 I got a bad feeling about this. 10 00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:28,506 Alright, if I don't see you in a day and a half 11 00:00:28,593 --> 00:00:30,987 I'm gonna hunt you down, you shoeless rube. 12 00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:32,336 God bless, drive safe. 13 00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:35,948 So, what did he say? Are the ostriches okay? 14 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,602 They're a little homesick. 15 00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:41,302 It's a big move for them, changing schools and all. 16 00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:42,651 What, are you kidding me, they're dumb animals 17 00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:44,696 you dumb animal. 18 00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:45,741 You're right, I'm an idiot. 19 00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:46,785 I don't know what I was thinking 20 00:00:46,872 --> 00:00:48,048 going into business with you. 21 00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:49,136 I don't know, honestly 22 00:00:49,223 --> 00:00:51,399 I was a little surprised myself. 23 00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,270 - Morning. - Hey. 24 00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,751 - How do? - Hey. 25 00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:57,318 Okay. A little weird in here. 26 00:00:57,405 --> 00:00:58,797 You guys weren't kissing, were you? 27 00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:01,887 No, we weren't kissing. 28 00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:03,367 We-we're not doing anything together. 29 00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:05,369 - Nothing at all. - Yeah, I was kidding. 30 00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,067 [both laughing] 31 00:01:07,154 --> 00:01:08,894 Oh lady, you are a hoot. 32 00:01:10,592 --> 00:01:13,029 Not-not that I haven't been tempted a couple of times. 33 00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:14,944 You bagged a real looker here. 34 00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,337 Like a portly Paul Newman. 35 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,863 Seriously, I saw the bottle of salad dressing 36 00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,299 in the fridge the other day. 37 00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:24,693 I thought it was you, hiding behind the mustard. 38 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,434 It's the blue eyes. It's the blue eyes. 39 00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:31,482 [both laughing] 40 00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:36,618 Uh. 41 00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:37,923 What's the matter with you? 42 00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:39,969 I was trying to defuse the situation. 43 00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,840 You just stood there like an idiot. 44 00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:44,452 What did you want me to do, actually kiss you? 45 00:01:44,539 --> 00:01:46,976 I don't think I'd let you, with that tone of voice. 46 00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:50,240 ♪ For the first time ♪ 47 00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:53,765 ♪ In my life ♪ 48 00:01:53,852 --> 00:01:56,725 ♪ I see love ♪♪ 49 00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:12,001 - Captain, you wanted to see me? - Come in, Biggs. 50 00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:14,264 A little dark in here, isn't it, sir? 51 00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:16,701 Not as dark as the black hole your mother left 52 00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,486 when she ripped out my heart. 53 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,357 Oh boy. 54 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,534 Is my favorite couple going 55 00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:25,536 through a bit of a rough patch? 56 00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:28,235 She handed me my walking papers last night. 57 00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:29,627 No ifs, ands or whys. 58 00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:32,587 Just take your mustache wax and go. 59 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,764 She does that, sir. 60 00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,635 I can't tell you how many times she's gotten mad 61 00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:39,376 and disowned me or told me I was adopted. 62 00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:42,249 After a while, you just stop hearing it. 63 00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:43,989 I just don't get it. 64 00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:45,339 We were having a lovely evening. 65 00:02:45,426 --> 00:02:46,818 I cooked dinner 66 00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:49,604 loaded the dishwasher. 67 00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:51,258 I pumiced her bunion while we watched 68 00:02:51,345 --> 00:02:52,955 "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance." 69 00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:56,828 She does love the Duke. 70 00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:01,050 One of the many things we had in common. 71 00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:04,358 That, country line dancing. 72 00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:05,533 Soft pretzels. 73 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,406 I was sugar and cinnamon and she was.. 74 00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:12,235 ...jalapeno and extra salt. 75 00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:15,586 Thank you. 76 00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:17,371 I-I'm sure everything will be fine. 77 00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:19,460 Just give it some time. It'll work itself out. 78 00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:21,070 Has she mentioned anything to you 79 00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:23,203 about being unhappy with our relationship? 80 00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,509 Oh no, mom doesn't ask about my feelings 81 00:03:25,596 --> 00:03:26,554 and I don't ask about hers. 82 00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:27,598 It's kind of a deal we made 83 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:28,599 when I was five. 84 00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:34,562 I guess I'm just gonna have to walk through the fire.. 85 00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:36,303 ...strap on my six-guns 86 00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:38,740 and put one boot in front of the other. 87 00:03:38,827 --> 00:03:40,220 That's the cowboy spirit the Duke 88 00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:41,612 would be proud of. Happy trails, sir. 89 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,441 Biggs! 90 00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:46,138 You'll let me know if your mother tells you 91 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,880 why she tossed me out the window like an old beer can. 92 00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:51,579 Does she still do that? I got her a recycling bin. 93 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,714 - Promise me. - Of course, sir. 94 00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:59,282 And I'm assuming you being on the outs with my mother 95 00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:02,067 won't affect our working relationship. 96 00:04:02,154 --> 00:04:03,939 - I'd like to think it won't. - Great. 97 00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:07,072 Unfortunately, I am a spiteful and vengeful man. 98 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,947 And this bucket of hurt 99 00:04:12,034 --> 00:04:14,123 has to drop on somebody's head. 100 00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:18,562 Somebody...meaning me? 101 00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,129 Just serving it to you straight, Biggs. 102 00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:22,218 I'm as honest as I am vengeful. 103 00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,135 You're not gonna fire me, are you? 104 00:04:26,222 --> 00:04:28,180 No. 105 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,793 I can't fire you, that would be completely unethical. 106 00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:36,188 What I can do is go medieval on your ass. 107 00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,453 [instrumental music] 108 00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,677 Oh, I thought the whole medieval thing was just an expression. 109 00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:50,638 I signed up to protect and serve 110 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:53,293 not guard crappers at a Renaissance Faire. 111 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,468 Remember, the head of the festival 112 00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:55,512 says we are supposed to refer 113 00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,253 to them as Ye Olde Privies. 114 00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:58,341 I'm not living in their times. 115 00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:00,169 I'll call them whatever I want. 116 00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:02,084 A bunch of bell-wearing dorks. 117 00:05:02,171 --> 00:05:03,781 Greeting constables. 118 00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,522 After gorging on mutton and mead 119 00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:08,264 I find myself in dire need of a privy. 120 00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,005 Follow your nose, Friar Tuck. 121 00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:12,877 Ah, t'ward a viper, t'ward a biffy. 122 00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,357 I bid you anon. 123 00:05:17,752 --> 00:05:20,145 Hope he pees all over his curly shoes. 124 00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,669 Hey, you got to talk to your mom, man. 125 00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:23,627 I can't take three days of this freak show. 126 00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,021 Look, just suck it up till this thing blows over. 127 00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:27,718 What, that could take until the 1500s 128 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:30,068 and we may be dead from the plague by then. 129 00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:32,201 Well, I'm not getting involved in my mom's personal life 130 00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:34,029 so you'll just have to find the bright side. 131 00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:35,509 Look, the bright side will be sitting on that 132 00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,032 homemade catapult, cutting the rope 133 00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,250 and flying the hell out of here. 134 00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:41,384 Huzzah, noble peacekeepers! 135 00:05:41,471 --> 00:05:42,994 I give ye 136 00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:45,432 six guesses to these riddles three. 137 00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:47,695 I'm gonna give ye two seconds to walk away 138 00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,261 or I'm gonna handcuff your jingly ass 139 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,872 to one of those poop barns. 140 00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,264 Sorry officer, have a super day. 141 00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:57,095 The real riddle is how I'm gonna go three days 142 00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,314 without shooting one of these silly-ass 143 00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,838 knights of the nerd table. 144 00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:03,101 It is true what they say about mead. 145 00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:05,930 One only rents it. 146 00:06:06,017 --> 00:06:08,106 You might wanna check your fly, Sir Don't-Get-Laid-a-Lot. 147 00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:14,548 Whatever the hell that thing is, I ain't scooping up after it. 148 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:22,686 Oh, hey, Peggy, good job on the pizza boats today. 149 00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,993 [speaking in foreign language] 150 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,169 Hey, I know they're delicious or I wouldn't serve them. 151 00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:28,213 Alright. 152 00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:31,826 Give this to the boy to give to Paddy. 153 00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:33,523 - What is it? - Deodorant stick. 154 00:06:33,610 --> 00:06:35,873 Nose hair trimmer, a Bob Cousy biography 155 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,658 and a diamond engagement ring. 156 00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:39,573 - You finally had enough, huh? - How's that? 157 00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,792 I said, oh, my God, what happened? 158 00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,796 It's over. I'll miss his company, though. 159 00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:48,538 He doted on me like I was the Queen of Sheba. 160 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:50,932 I never had to pull out a chair or open a car door. 161 00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:53,108 Why am I holding a bag with a deodorant stick 162 00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,631 and your engagement ring in it? 163 00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,503 Boy, you love digging to the bottom 164 00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,505 of the litter box, don't you? 165 00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,507 Fine, you want the dirt? I'll give you the dirt. 166 00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,770 No, no, no, I trust you. What's done is done. 167 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,598 I am a sexual being! 168 00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:07,514 Oh, God, here comes that pizza burp. 169 00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:10,778 And I tried to fan the embers of passion, Lord knows I tried. 170 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,606 But you can't start a fire with wet wood. 171 00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,521 [blows] I am so swamped. 172 00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:17,001 I mean, Mikey's dad and I hated each other's guts 173 00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:20,004 but we knew how to work out the ugly on the bed springs. 174 00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:22,659 Oh, you know what, I left my good red pen at home 175 00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,226 so I'm just probably gonna-- 176 00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:25,923 It's not like he couldn't perform 177 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,534 but a gal doesn't always 178 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,666 wanna be treated like a delicate flower. 179 00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:31,015 None of my business! 180 00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:32,190 Sometimes you wanna be pulled up 181 00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:35,193 by the root like a nasty weed. 182 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,195 Alright. Well, just hit the lights on the way out. 183 00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,633 I thought by this age, my carnal desires 184 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,199 would have cooled, but instead 185 00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,898 they're bubbling over like an untended oatmeal. 186 00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:45,682 I'm leaving, lock it, don't lock it 187 00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,205 burn it down, I don't care. 188 00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,514 Dwight, how long does it take to drive 189 00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:54,822 a truckload of ostriches across four states? 190 00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:57,868 I could've ridden them here by now. 191 00:07:57,955 --> 00:08:00,044 You know what, put one of the birds on the phone. 192 00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:01,742 I'll have him get you here. 193 00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:06,573 - Is everything okay? - Yeah, he's running late. 194 00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,749 He stumbled across a Truck Stop Shower 195 00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:10,185 that didn't need quarters. 196 00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:11,795 Finding free hot water is like 197 00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,580 striking oil to a hillbilly. 198 00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,800 Vince, this thing really needs to work out. 199 00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,020 I'm on really shaky ground at work. 200 00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:21,631 Hey, everywhere you are, the ground is kinda shaky. 201 00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:25,505 I am not in a joking mood, Moranto. 202 00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,507 I've been dealing with crap all day. 203 00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:29,770 Human, horse and hobbit. 204 00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:32,468 What's going on? Ooh, are you gonna hit him? 205 00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:35,689 No. Oh, no, I just like this shirt. 206 00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,473 [chuckles] I wanted to feel the material. 207 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,302 - What is that, silk? - It's a poly rayon blend. 208 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,478 Comes out of the washer dry. 209 00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:47,788 Just let me know when that shipment of shirts comes in. 210 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:50,181 Good luck finding one in your size. 211 00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:52,053 I'm a Korean XL. 212 00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,624 Alright, what is going on with you and Vince? 213 00:08:57,711 --> 00:09:00,670 Nothing. What's going on with you and all your questions? 214 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,759 Maybe you should be asking yourself that, huh? 215 00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:06,023 Fine, I hope you and Ding Dong enjoy playing grab-ass 216 00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:08,112 'cause I got a bag full of misery, for ya. 217 00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:10,375 What is it? 218 00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:11,376 Your mom wants you to give that 219 00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:12,856 to the captain. 220 00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:13,944 Aw, she's giving back 221 00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,076 the engagement ring? 222 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,338 Did she say why? 223 00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:20,037 Yeah, she said why and how and with what. 224 00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:25,695 Had to stop and buy Tums on the way home. 225 00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:29,046 Do I wanna hear this? 226 00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:30,700 I can tell you or I can show you on the Dell. 227 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:31,745 Take your pick. 228 00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:39,361 Captain? 229 00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,585 [Patrick] 'What's in the bag, Biggs?' 230 00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:49,937 I know it's not leftovers. 231 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,549 I didn't, I didn't see you there, sir. 232 00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:55,159 Been here all night. 233 00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:57,118 Can't go home. 234 00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:59,250 Can't go anywhere without being 235 00:09:59,337 --> 00:10:02,166 haunted by the memories of my darling Margaret. 236 00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:04,429 You know, you're still a very vibrant man, uh 237 00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:06,388 you'll bounce back from this. 238 00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:08,042 When I love, I love deep. 239 00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:10,566 I can't just shake it off like a bad cold. 240 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,742 Oh, sweet Lord, there's no halfway 241 00:10:12,829 --> 00:10:14,918 with that woman, is there? 242 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,529 No, the piledriver's pretty much her only move, sir. 243 00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,358 I don't know what went wrong. 244 00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:22,317 If I did, maybe I could fix it. 245 00:10:22,404 --> 00:10:24,319 Look, you'll make yourself nuts trying to figure that out. 246 00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:26,103 Just try to move on 247 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:27,888 and remember that I had absolutely 248 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:30,238 nothing to do with this. 249 00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:33,023 She didn't say anything about why? 250 00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:36,418 May have been a little bit of lady gab between 251 00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:38,289 her and my wife, but nothing to me, sir. 252 00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:40,465 Biggs, if you're withholding information from me 253 00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:42,990 I will put you on a detail so ugly 254 00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:45,775 the Ren Faire crappers will be your happy place. 255 00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:52,521 Listen, I warned you from the beginning 256 00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:54,479 it wasn't a good idea for you to date my mother. 257 00:10:54,566 --> 00:10:56,220 - Sit! - Ah. 258 00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:10,582 Alright, this isn't coming from me. 259 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,932 This is possibly one of the worst things 260 00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,368 I've ever had to say in my life. 261 00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:16,371 I'm a grown man, Biggs. Give it to me straight. 262 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:20,201 Sir, my mother is very difficult to please. 263 00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:23,160 She heckled the priest at her mother's funeral. 264 00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:25,946 - In Latin! - Just tell me what I did wrong. 265 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:27,251 I only ever tried to be a perfect 266 00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:28,557 gentleman to your mother. 267 00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:29,732 Yeah, well apparently she doesn't 268 00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:32,039 like that all the time. 269 00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,518 - Not following you. - That's wise. 270 00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:34,606 'Cause I don't know where I'm going. 271 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,304 Biggs, for the love of God, quit 272 00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:38,610 tap dancing and spill the beans. 273 00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:42,440 What do you want from me? 274 00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,704 Pull her hair! Spank her! 275 00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,140 Swing her around the room like a rag doll! 276 00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:47,576 My mother's an animal. 277 00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:48,882 A dirty, filthy animal! 278 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,535 I gotta go. 279 00:11:50,622 --> 00:11:52,320 [thunder rumbling] 280 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,278 [instrumental music] 281 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,896 'And the National Weather Service' 282 00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:05,333 'has just issued a tornado watch for the following counties.' 283 00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:07,770 'Cook, DuPage, Will' 284 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,816 'Kankakee and Iroquois.' 285 00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:11,121 'Be advised to take shelter' 286 00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:13,645 'should these conditions worsen.' 287 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,039 Hope this blows through before tomorrow night. 288 00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:17,998 It's the jousting finals at the Renaissance Faire 289 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:21,479 and my grand chamberlain's hat does not have a chin strap. 290 00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:23,917 Should probably take some candles down to the basement. 291 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:25,179 We might lose power. 292 00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:26,484 Uh, you wanna avoid candles 293 00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:27,964 in case of a gas leak. 294 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,574 I've got flashlights in the trunk of my car 295 00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,359 plus a case of canned stew 296 00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:33,143 and 25 gallons of distilled water. 297 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,189 Well, you really prepared for this storm, huh? 298 00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:37,365 No, I just came from Costco. 299 00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:38,583 It's my stew for the month. 300 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,200 [grunts] Son of a.. 301 00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:51,292 Fine, have a nice life. 302 00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:57,037 It's pretty bad out there. 303 00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:01,128 We might wanna head to the basement. 304 00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:03,260 Well, technically it's just a tornado watch. 305 00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:04,522 It goes advisory, alert 306 00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:05,872 watch, warning, tornado. 307 00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:07,438 Okay, I'm gonna be in the basement. 308 00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:09,136 You go look for my umbrella. 309 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,617 Hear ye, hear ye 310 00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:15,490 please proceed to the basement of King Arthur's Castle 311 00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:18,406 in an orderly fashion. 312 00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,103 Tell them it's a dragon attack. 313 00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,888 That'll get their medieval asses moving. 314 00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,020 Do not tarry. 315 00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,935 Do not get in your cars. 316 00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:28,895 Don't try to be a hero. 317 00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,419 But you're not really Knights of The Round Table. 318 00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:34,422 And you probably work at Best Buy or Jamba Juice. 319 00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:40,471 Now that's funny. 320 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,214 I should call Molly, make sure she's okay. 321 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:46,086 Hey, you don't have to, I tried to call my grandma a few 322 00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,088 minutes ago, but I can't get a signal. 323 00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:50,177 My guess is the cell towers are down. 324 00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:51,787 No bars. 325 00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:53,093 I'm sure she's fine though 326 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,269 inside like you're supposed to be 327 00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:57,445 and not waiting for the four o'clock puppet show. 328 00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:03,451 We don't have to chase after that, do we? 329 00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:04,844 No no, we just guard them. 330 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,541 Once they start blowing around, you know 331 00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,630 that's Fire Department or maybe Parks and Rec. 332 00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:14,201 I hope Mike's okay. A funnel cloud touched down in Whiting. 333 00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:17,987 Figures. Tornadoes always use trailer parks as appetizers. 334 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:21,077 Remember, avoid this area because of the windows. 335 00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:23,210 The change of pressure could blow this glass 336 00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,299 and rip off your face like an angry chimp. 337 00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:28,519 What's he doing here, anyway? 338 00:14:28,606 --> 00:14:30,434 Isn't there a ditch he can go lie down in? 339 00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:32,088 Harry, just knock it off. 340 00:14:32,175 --> 00:14:33,611 You're making everybody nervous. 341 00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:36,179 You should be nervous. Tornadoes are killers. 342 00:14:36,266 --> 00:14:38,747 Statistically speaking, only three of us will survive. 343 00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:41,532 I'm chaining myself to you 344 00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,621 you're not going anywhere. 345 00:14:43,708 --> 00:14:45,754 We're gonna be fine. Worst case scenario. 346 00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,974 The house blows away and lands on Mike's mom. 347 00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:50,759 Oh, this is it. 348 00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:51,934 Everything is fine. 349 00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,675 Do not panic. 350 00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:55,459 [siren wails] 351 00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:57,113 Okay, panic. 352 00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,118 I can't get through. 353 00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:04,729 Man, we need to pull over. This is bad. 354 00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,688 Just got passed by a tree. 355 00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,603 Just keep driving. I've got to get home to Molly. 356 00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:09,821 I feel horrible. 357 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,910 I can't believe I lied to her 358 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,520 about the thing with Vince. 359 00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:13,738 You're right. 360 00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:15,958 Now is the time for truth. 361 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,917 So I just want to say you are the best friend 362 00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,222 and partner I've ever had. 363 00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:20,658 Thanks, buddy. 364 00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,008 You're not an easy man to get along with 365 00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:23,705 you're pigheaded and set in your ways 366 00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,794 and never admit when you're wrong. 367 00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:28,318 And I still say Marisa Tormi is Mel Tormi's daughter. 368 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:31,365 That's Marisa Tomei, they have different last names. 369 00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:32,932 Yeah, but maybe she changed it so she wouldn't 370 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,759 have to live under his legendary shadow. 371 00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:37,762 You know, I'm starting to hope these are your last words. 372 00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,590 But all that aside 373 00:15:39,677 --> 00:15:41,070 you've always been like a brother to me. 374 00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,245 I love you very much. 375 00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:45,466 - Same here. - That's it? 376 00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:46,815 I pour my heart out and all you can say 377 00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:48,686 is "Same here?" 378 00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,297 You know if a twister sucks me out of this car 379 00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:51,385 and you live, you're gonna regret not telling me 380 00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:52,647 you love me. 381 00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,345 - Fine, I love you. - Thank you. 382 00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,999 Now's not the time to hold back. 383 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,351 When I was 14, I showed my cousin my privates. 384 00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,095 You can stop right there, Carl. 385 00:16:06,182 --> 00:16:07,270 Same thing he said. 386 00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:13,798 Listen, Jim, if I get killed by flying debris 387 00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:16,279 promise me you'll eat me toes-first. 388 00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:18,586 That way I can still have an open casket. 389 00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,110 [door bell rings] 390 00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:22,894 What kind of mouth breathing moron 391 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,332 is traipsing around in this weather? 392 00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:28,596 Probably that hoarder neighbor wanting to squat in my basement. 393 00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:30,859 Should have thought about this when you started saving 394 00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:34,210 all those National Geographic's and jars of urine. 395 00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:38,084 [Patrick] 'Open the door, Margaret.' 396 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:39,955 Paddy? 397 00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:47,441 What are you doing here? 398 00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:48,485 We're done. 399 00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:52,446 Shut your yap, woman. 400 00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,448 We're done when I say we're done. 401 00:16:57,581 --> 00:16:59,714 [dog barking] 402 00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,063 I wish Mike would get home. 403 00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:02,847 I can't believe he's out in this. 404 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:04,545 I can't believe you lit all these candles. 405 00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:05,937 One gas leak and the house 406 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,330 goes up like a bottle rocket. 407 00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:08,897 We're worried about your gas leak 408 00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:09,941 stew butt. 409 00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,075 I'm not going to apologize again. 410 00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:15,686 I'm nervous and it was an accident. 411 00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:17,993 - 'Molly?' - Mike? 412 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,343 Oh, God, you guys are okay. 413 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:21,779 Oh, my God, I couldn't get through 414 00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:22,780 and I was thinking the worst. 415 00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,044 I'm so glad you're home. 416 00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:26,349 I have something to tell you. 417 00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:27,394 Hey, not the cousin thing, right? 418 00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,138 I was trying to make some extra money 419 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,965 in case we have to do the whole in vitro deal 420 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,011 so I went into business with Vince. 421 00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:38,274 - What? - I was as shocked as you are. 422 00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:40,537 And ostriches no less. 423 00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:41,930 What-what is he talking about? 424 00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:43,671 I-I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it. 425 00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,847 I just want us to have a baby so bad. 426 00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:47,631 So you bought a bunch of ostriches? 427 00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:49,503 Well, it sounds stupid when you say it like that. 428 00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:52,854 [indistinct chattering] 429 00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:56,205 [Mike] 'I love you Molly Flynn.' 430 00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:58,381 [Molly] 'I love you Mike Biggs.' 431 00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:00,557 [Harry] 'I hope that's not the tree my Vespa was chained to.' 432 00:18:00,644 --> 00:18:02,168 'If it is, I'm probably gonna need a ride home.' 433 00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:04,039 [all] Shut up, Harry! 434 00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:09,610 Are you sure you're okay, mom? 435 00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:11,220 You sound out of breath. 436 00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:14,615 What? Oh, God, why'd you even pick up the phone? 437 00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:19,010 See, once you get it in your head it doesn't go away. 438 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,275 Wow, we didn't get the worst of it. 439 00:18:22,362 --> 00:18:24,494 Look at all those jack-knifed trucks on the freeway. 440 00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:27,280 They probably swerved to miss all those ostriches. 441 00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,717 - What? - 'Not so fast.' 442 00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:31,153 We don't know those are ours. 443 00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:36,289 That twister tossed me around like a lotto ball. 444 00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,205 Flipped my truck over and those birds went everywhere. 445 00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:41,729 I just thank God I'm still alive. 446 00:18:41,816 --> 00:18:43,296 And single, ladies. 447 00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:48,083 Get a net and chase them down, you stupid cracker. 448 00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:57,788 [theme music]