Dwight, where's that truck?
You were supposed to have those ostriches here two days ago
you cud-chewing hayseed.
Don't make him mad, he's got our money.
Relax! I'm the godfather to his oldest girl.
Listen, you inbred halfwit.
Get those birds to Chicago and quit bumping ugly
with every truck stop troll that flashes her tooth at you.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Alright, if I don't see you in a day and a half
I'm gonna hunt you down, you shoeless rube.
God bless, drive safe.
So, what did he say? Are the ostriches okay?
They're a little homesick.
It's a big move for them, changing schools and all.
What, are you kidding me, they're dumb animals
you dumb animal.
You're right, I'm an idiot.
I don't know what I was thinking
going into business with you.
I don't know, honestly
I was a little surprised myself.
- Morning. - Hey.
- How do? - Hey.
Okay. A little weird in here.
You guys weren't kissing, were you?
No, we weren't kissing.
We-we're not doing anything together.
- Nothing at all. - Yeah, I was kidding.
[both laughing]
Oh lady, you are a hoot.
Not-not that I haven't been tempted a couple of times.
You bagged a real looker here.
Like a portly Paul Newman.
Seriously, I saw the bottle of salad dressing
in the fridge the other day.
I thought it was you, hiding behind the mustard.
It's the blue eyes. It's the blue eyes.
[both laughing]
Uh.
What's the matter with you?
I was trying to defuse the situation.
You just stood there like an idiot.
What did you want me to do, actually kiss you?
I don't think I'd let you, with that tone of voice.
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪♪
- Captain, you wanted to see me? - Come in, Biggs.
A little dark in here, isn't it, sir?
Not as dark as the black hole your mother left
when she ripped out my heart.
Oh boy.
Is my favorite couple going
through a bit of a rough patch?
She handed me my walking papers last night.
No ifs, ands or whys.
Just take your mustache wax and go.
She does that, sir.
I can't tell you how many times she's gotten mad
and disowned me or told me I was adopted.
After a while, you just stop hearing it.
I just don't get it.
We were having a lovely evening.
I cooked dinner
loaded the dishwasher.
I pumiced her bunion while we watched
"The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance."
She does love the Duke.
One of the many things we had in common.
That, country line dancing.
Soft pretzels.
I was sugar and cinnamon and she was..
...jalapeno and extra salt.
Thank you.
I-I'm sure everything will be fine.
Just give it some time. It'll work itself out.
Has she mentioned anything to you
about being unhappy with our relationship?
Oh no, mom doesn't ask about my feelings
and I don't ask about hers.
It's kind of a deal we made
when I was five.
I guess I'm just gonna have to walk through the fire..
...strap on my six-guns
and put one boot in front of the other.
That's the cowboy spirit the Duke
would be proud of. Happy trails, sir.
Biggs!
You'll let me know if your mother tells you
why she tossed me out the window like an old beer can.
Does she still do that? I got her a recycling bin.
- Promise me. - Of course, sir.
And I'm assuming you being on the outs with my mother
won't affect our working relationship.
- I'd like to think it won't. - Great.
Unfortunately, I am a spiteful and vengeful man.
And this bucket of hurt
has to drop on somebody's head.
Somebody...meaning me?
Just serving it to you straight, Biggs.
I'm as honest as I am vengeful.
You're not gonna fire me, are you?
No.
I can't fire you, that would be completely unethical.
What I can do is go medieval on your ass.
[instrumental music]
Oh, I thought the whole medieval thing was just an expression.
I signed up to protect and serve
not guard crappers at a Renaissance Faire.
Remember, the head of the festival
says we are supposed to refer
to them as Ye Olde Privies.
I'm not living in their times.
I'll call them whatever I want.
A bunch of bell-wearing dorks.
Greeting constables.
After gorging on mutton and mead
I find myself in dire need of a privy.
Follow your nose, Friar Tuck.
Ah, t'ward a viper, t'ward a biffy.
I bid you anon.
Hope he pees all over his curly shoes.
Hey, you got to talk to your mom, man.
I can't take three days of this freak show.
Look, just suck it up till this thing blows over.
What, that could take until the 1500s
and we may be dead from the plague by then.
Well, I'm not getting involved in my mom's personal life
so you'll just have to find the bright side.
Look, the bright side will be sitting on that
homemade catapult, cutting the rope
and flying the hell out of here.
Huzzah, noble peacekeepers!
I give ye
six guesses to these riddles three.
I'm gonna give ye two seconds to walk away
or I'm gonna handcuff your jingly ass
to one of those poop barns.
Sorry officer, have a super day.
The real riddle is how I'm gonna go three days
without shooting one of these silly-ass
knights of the nerd table.
It is true what they say about mead.
One only rents it.
You might wanna check your fly, Sir Don't-Get-Laid-a-Lot.
Whatever the hell that thing is, I ain't scooping up after it.
Oh, hey, Peggy, good job on the pizza boats today.
[speaking in foreign language]
Hey, I know they're delicious or I wouldn't serve them.
Alright.
Give this to the boy to give to Paddy.
- What is it? - Deodorant stick.
Nose hair trimmer, a Bob Cousy biography
and a diamond engagement ring.
- You finally had enough, huh? - How's that?
I said, oh, my God, what happened?
It's over. I'll miss his company, though.
He doted on me like I was the Queen of Sheba.
I never had to pull out a chair or open a car door.
Why am I holding a bag with a deodorant stick
and your engagement ring in it?
Boy, you love digging to the bottom
of the litter box, don't you?
Fine, you want the dirt? I'll give you the dirt.
No, no, no, I trust you. What's done is done.
I am a sexual being!
Oh, God, here comes that pizza burp.
And I tried to fan the embers of passion, Lord knows I tried.
But you can't start a fire with wet wood.
[blows] I am so swamped.
I mean, Mikey's dad and I hated each other's guts
but we knew how to work out the ugly on the bed springs.
Oh, you know what, I left my good red pen at home
so I'm just probably gonna--
It's not like he couldn't perform
but a gal doesn't always
wanna be treated like a delicate flower.
None of my business!
Sometimes you wanna be pulled up
by the root like a nasty weed.
Alright. Well, just hit the lights on the way out.
I thought by this age, my carnal desires
would have cooled, but instead
they're bubbling over like an untended oatmeal.
I'm leaving, lock it, don't lock it
burn it down, I don't care.
Dwight, how long does it take to drive
a truckload of ostriches across four states?
I could've ridden them here by now.
You know what, put one of the birds on the phone.
I'll have him get you here.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, he's running late.
He stumbled across a Truck Stop Shower
that didn't need quarters.
Finding free hot water is like
striking oil to a hillbilly.
Vince, this thing really needs to work out.
I'm on really shaky ground at work.
Hey, everywhere you are, the ground is kinda shaky.
I am not in a joking mood, Moranto.
I've been dealing with crap all day.
Human, horse and hobbit.
What's going on? Ooh, are you gonna hit him?
No. Oh, no, I just like this shirt.
[chuckles] I wanted to feel the material.
- What is that, silk? - It's a poly rayon blend.
Comes out of the washer dry.
Just let me know when that shipment of shirts comes in.
Good luck finding one in your size.
I'm a Korean XL.
Alright, what is going on with you and Vince?
Nothing. What's going on with you and all your questions?
Maybe you should be asking yourself that, huh?
Fine, I hope you and Ding Dong enjoy playing grab-ass
'cause I got a bag full of misery, for ya.
What is it?
Your mom wants you to give that
to the captain.
Aw, she's giving back
the engagement ring?
Did she say why?
Yeah, she said why and how and with what.
Had to stop and buy Tums on the way home.
Do I wanna hear this?
I can tell you or I can show you on the Dell.
Take your pick.
Captain?
[Patrick] 'What's in the bag, Biggs?'
I know it's not leftovers.
I didn't, I didn't see you there, sir.
Been here all night.
Can't go home.
Can't go anywhere without being
haunted by the memories of my darling Margaret.
You know, you're still a very vibrant man, uh
you'll bounce back from this.
When I love, I love deep.
I can't just shake it off like a bad cold.
Oh, sweet Lord, there's no halfway
with that woman, is there?
No, the piledriver's pretty much her only move, sir.
I don't know what went wrong.
If I did, maybe I could fix it.
Look, you'll make yourself nuts trying to figure that out.
Just try to move on
and remember that I had absolutely
nothing to do with this.
She didn't say anything about why?
May have been a little bit of lady gab between
her and my wife, but nothing to me, sir.
Biggs, if you're withholding information from me
I will put you on a detail so ugly
the Ren Faire crappers will be your happy place.
Listen, I warned you from the beginning
it wasn't a good idea for you to date my mother.
- Sit! - Ah.
Alright, this isn't coming from me.
This is possibly one of the worst things
I've ever had to say in my life.
I'm a grown man, Biggs. Give it to me straight.
Sir, my mother is very difficult to please.
She heckled the priest at her mother's funeral.
- In Latin! - Just tell me what I did wrong.
I only ever tried to be a perfect
gentleman to your mother.
Yeah, well apparently she doesn't
like that all the time.
- Not following you. - That's wise.
'Cause I don't know where I'm going.
Biggs, for the love of God, quit
tap dancing and spill the beans.
What do you want from me?
Pull her hair! Spank her!
Swing her around the room like a rag doll!
My mother's an animal.
A dirty, filthy animal!
I gotta go.
[thunder rumbling]
[instrumental music]
'And the National Weather Service'
'has just issued a tornado watch for the following counties.'
'Cook, DuPage, Will'
'Kankakee and Iroquois.'
'Be advised to take shelter'
'should these conditions worsen.'
Hope this blows through before tomorrow night.
It's the jousting finals at the Renaissance Faire
and my grand chamberlain's hat does not have a chin strap.
Should probably take some candles down to the basement.
We might lose power.
Uh, you wanna avoid candles
in case of a gas leak.
I've got flashlights in the trunk of my car
plus a case of canned stew
and 25 gallons of distilled water.
Well, you really prepared for this storm, huh?
No, I just came from Costco.
It's my stew for the month.
[grunts] Son of a..
Fine, have a nice life.
It's pretty bad out there.
We might wanna head to the basement.
Well, technically it's just a tornado watch.
It goes advisory, alert
watch, warning, tornado.
Okay, I'm gonna be in the basement.
You go look for my umbrella.
Hear ye, hear ye
please proceed to the basement of King Arthur's Castle
in an orderly fashion.
Tell them it's a dragon attack.
That'll get their medieval asses moving.
Do not tarry.
Do not get in your cars.
Don't try to be a hero.
But you're not really Knights of The Round Table.
And you probably work at Best Buy or Jamba Juice.
Now that's funny.
I should call Molly, make sure she's okay.
Hey, you don't have to, I tried to call my grandma a few
minutes ago, but I can't get a signal.
My guess is the cell towers are down.
No bars.
I'm sure she's fine though
inside like you're supposed to be
and not waiting for the four o'clock puppet show.
We don't have to chase after that, do we?
No no, we just guard them.
Once they start blowing around, you know
that's Fire Department or maybe Parks and Rec.
I hope Mike's okay. A funnel cloud touched down in Whiting.
Figures. Tornadoes always use trailer parks as appetizers.
Remember, avoid this area because of the windows.
The change of pressure could blow this glass
and rip off your face like an angry chimp.
What's he doing here, anyway?
Isn't there a ditch he can go lie down in?
Harry, just knock it off.
You're making everybody nervous.
You should be nervous. Tornadoes are killers.
Statistically speaking, only three of us will survive.
I'm chaining myself to you
you're not going anywhere.
We're gonna be fine. Worst case scenario.
The house blows away and lands on Mike's mom.
Oh, this is it.
Everything is fine.
Do not panic.
[siren wails]
Okay, panic.
I can't get through.
Man, we need to pull over. This is bad.
Just got passed by a tree.
Just keep driving. I've got to get home to Molly.
I feel horrible.
I can't believe I lied to her
about the thing with Vince.
You're right.
Now is the time for truth.
So I just want to say you are the best friend
and partner I've ever had.
Thanks, buddy.
You're not an easy man to get along with
you're pigheaded and set in your ways
and never admit when you're wrong.
And I still say Marisa Tormi is Mel Tormi's daughter.
That's Marisa Tomei, they have different last names.
Yeah, but maybe she changed it so she wouldn't
have to live under his legendary shadow.
You know, I'm starting to hope these are your last words.
But all that aside
you've always been like a brother to me.
I love you very much.
- Same here. - That's it?
I pour my heart out and all you can say
is "Same here?"
You know if a twister sucks me out of this car
and you live, you're gonna regret not telling me
you love me.
- Fine, I love you. - Thank you.
Now's not the time to hold back.
When I was 14, I showed my cousin my privates.
You can stop right there, Carl.
Same thing he said.
Listen, Jim, if I get killed by flying debris
promise me you'll eat me toes-first.
That way I can still have an open casket.
[door bell rings]
What kind of mouth breathing moron
is traipsing around in this weather?
Probably that hoarder neighbor wanting to squat in my basement.
Should have thought about this when you started saving
all those National Geographic's and jars of urine.
[Patrick] 'Open the door, Margaret.'
Paddy?
What are you doing here?
We're done.
Shut your yap, woman.
We're done when I say we're done.
[dog barking]
I wish Mike would get home.
I can't believe he's out in this.
I can't believe you lit all these candles.
One gas leak and the house
goes up like a bottle rocket.
We're worried about your gas leak
stew butt.
I'm not going to apologize again.
I'm nervous and it was an accident.
- 'Molly?' - Mike?
Oh, God, you guys are okay.
Oh, my God, I couldn't get through
and I was thinking the worst.
I'm so glad you're home.
I have something to tell you.
Hey, not the cousin thing, right?
I was trying to make some extra money
in case we have to do the whole in vitro deal
so I went into business with Vince.
- What? - I was as shocked as you are.
And ostriches no less.
What-what is he talking about?
I-I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it.
I just want us to have a baby so bad.
So you bought a bunch of ostriches?
Well, it sounds stupid when you say it like that.
[indistinct chattering]
[Mike] 'I love you Molly Flynn.'
[Molly] 'I love you Mike Biggs.'
[Harry] 'I hope that's not the tree my Vespa was chained to.'
'If it is, I'm probably gonna need a ride home.'
[all] Shut up, Harry!
Are you sure you're okay, mom?
You sound out of breath.
What? Oh, God, why'd you even pick up the phone?
See, once you get it in your head it doesn't go away.
Wow, we didn't get the worst of it.
Look at all those jack-knifed trucks on the freeway.
They probably swerved to miss all those ostriches.
- What? - 'Not so fast.'
We don't know those are ours.
That twister tossed me around like a lotto ball.
Flipped my truck over and those birds went everywhere.
I just thank God I'm still alive.
And single, ladies.
Get a net and chase them down, you stupid cracker.
[theme music]