1 00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:34,575 (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) 2 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:37,953 (PANTING) 3 00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:41,957 (GUN COCKS) 4 00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,668 (MUFFLED GUNSHOTS) 5 00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,321 (GLASS SHATTERS) 6 00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:31,131 (BONE CRACKING) 7 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,028 Sting! 8 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,155 Sting, open up! It's Bieber! 9 00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:58,242 Sting! Come on! Sting! 10 00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:00,536 It's Bieber, bro! Open the door! 11 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,454 (PANTING) Oh, fudge! 12 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,636 You can't kill us all. 13 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,596 We will protect the Chosen One. 14 00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,683 (RAPID GUNFIRE) 15 00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,326 (SHUTTER CLICKS) 16 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,419 (GRUNTING) Uh-huh. 17 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,678 Peace out, world. 18 00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:42,763 Peace out. 19 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,058 (GASPS) 20 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:05,410 Valentina, he was pronounced dead 13 minutes ago. 21 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:06,828 I can't believe it. 22 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,580 Justin Bieber? 23 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,082 No. 24 00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:15,170 The sixth pop star to die in the last year. 25 00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:20,050 And all with that look. 26 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:23,929 FILIPPO: As if they were trying to tell us something. 27 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,181 That look. 28 00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:30,978 There's only one person on Earth 29 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,188 who would know how to interpret this look. 30 00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:35,107 It's a dead end, Valentina. 31 00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:37,067 No one has seen that man in years. 32 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,862 Then God help us all. 33 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,169 Shocking. Stupefying. 34 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:59,047 Something out of a Hollywood disaster movie. 35 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,591 Just a few of the ways New Yorkers described 36 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,386 what happened today as Derek Zoolander's 37 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,096 Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good 38 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:09,016 and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too 39 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,685 literally collapsed into the East River 40 00:05:11,769 --> 00:05:14,438 only two days after its official opening. 41 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,773 Students and teachers were evacuated. 42 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:20,944 And while Zoolander and his son, Derek Jr., were unharmed, 43 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,989 sadly, his wife, Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander, 44 00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,782 has reportedly died. 45 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:28,410 (DEREK COUGHING) 46 00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:31,330 I just feel lucky no one from my family was hurt! 47 00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:34,750 She was crushed by the book? 48 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,295 JIM LEHRER: A vigil is being held tonight 49 00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:41,673 for the other chisel-cheeked lion of the modeling kingdom, 50 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,051 Hansel, who is reported to have sustained 51 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:47,012 permanent injury to his breathtaking face 52 00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:49,848 after being trapped beneath a burning beam. 53 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:52,351 CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: Although authorities are still investigating, 54 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,728 the cause of the disaster is believed to be 55 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:57,356 Zoolander's mind-boggling decision 56 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,441 to build the reading center 57 00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:02,611 out of the actual materials that were used to construct 58 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:05,322 the original architectural model. 59 00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:07,949 JANE PAULEY: Clothing designer Jacob Moogberg, 60 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,993 AKA Jacobim Mugatu 61 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,746 was sentenced today to two consecutive life terms 62 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:15,582 in a maximum security fashion prison 63 00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:17,709 for his role in the attempted assassination 64 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,378 of the Malaysian Prime Minister. 65 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,213 JOE SCARBOROUGH: His co-conspirator, modeling agent 66 00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,590 Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness... 67 00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:26,510 I'll give you anything you want on that fakakta fink. 68 00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:30,347 ...in exchange for relocation in the Witness Protection Program. 69 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:34,601 Back in the news tonight, former model, negligent builder, 70 00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:37,396 now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander. 71 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:39,356 This footage was taken by a neighbor 72 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,025 across from Zoolander's SoHo loft. 73 00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:44,820 D.J., how did Mommy make it soft? 74 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:46,279 (GRUNTS) 75 00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,948 DON LEMON: The Child Protection Agency 76 00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:50,117 removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr. 77 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,369 late last night in a daring midnight raid 78 00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,788 placing him in the custody of the state. 79 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,749 Which is why it pains me to say 80 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,752 that effective immediately, I will retire from modeling 81 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,756 and live alone as a hermit crab. 82 00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:08,468 I will now be anonymous and known only as... 83 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,345 Eric... 84 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,305 Toolander. 85 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:15,559 MATT LAUER: And finally tonight, 86 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:17,686 here's something to make you feel old. 87 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,229 Incredible as it may sound, 88 00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:23,150 of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year 89 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:26,653 less than 2% could tell you what a fax machine is, 90 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:28,697 name a Caucasian President, 91 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,658 or know who Derek Zoolander was. 92 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,661 (ECHOING) Was... Was... Was... 93 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,336 (WIND HOWLING) 94 00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,013 (WHISTLING) 95 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,899 (CABIN FLOOR CREAKS) 96 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,655 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 97 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,910 Go away. 98 00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:17,662 MAN: Derek! Open up, it's me. 99 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,748 I'm sorry, traveler, you must have lost your way. 100 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,666 No one lives here by that name. 101 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,252 MAN: Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric. 102 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,629 I've got your mail. 103 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:41,061 Billy Zane. It's been years. 104 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,022 Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar? 105 00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:45,524 He couldn't make it. 106 00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:48,068 I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by. 107 00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:50,779 Got your Netflix. 108 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,115 Whoa, Jack Ryan... 109 00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,284 ...and Jack Reacher. 110 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,286 Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off. 111 00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:01,081 You have something else here. 112 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,793 What is it? 113 00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:06,461 Open it. 114 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,141 (CHIMES) 115 00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:24,771 Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. 116 00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:27,315 Are you a Boxtroll? 117 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,401 That's Alexanya Atoz, 118 00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:32,070 owner of the largest fashion empire in the world. 119 00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:37,158 Because you are one of the world's true fishion icons, 120 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:42,497 I have personal selected you to come to Rome... 121 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,667 The Eturnanal Cyootee... 122 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,503 To muddel my nyouest colleeauction 123 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,590 by my hoottest now designer... 124 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:54,384 Doon Atari. 125 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,261 Who? 126 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,054 Don Atari. 127 00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,764 He's "it" in fashion right now. 128 00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,600 People would die to be in his show. 129 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,393 (WHISPERS) I can't. 130 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,770 I'm a hermit crab now. 131 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,480 Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. 132 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,940 I already told you! 133 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,026 It's like you're not even listening to me! 134 00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,159 Derek, uh... 135 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:20,952 Eric. 136 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:25,248 Maybe it's time to engage with the world again. 137 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,293 Think about it, man. This could be a sign. 138 00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:30,879 And what if it's a stop sign, Billy? 139 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:35,383 I used to be a successful model/fashion icon. 140 00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,928 Now, I'm just a model/failure. 141 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:43,141 Slash-guy who is still a model/father. 142 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,310 Slash-guy who killed his wife 143 00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:48,063 using cheap building materials that collapsed on her. 144 00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:53,318 Slash-guy who has got to stop beating himself up about that! 145 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,820 Slash-guy who couldn't make spaghetti soft 146 00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:56,988 so they took away his son, 147 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,574 so-slash-now he's alone and hiding from the world. 148 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,369 Slash. 149 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,916 Slash-have you ever even tried to get your son back? 150 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,671 You can do that? 151 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,839 Yeah. You'd hire a litigator, 152 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,341 he files the appropriate paperwork... 153 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,510 But I don't even know where he is. 154 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,428 First things first. 155 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,974 If you take this job that Alexanya's offering you, 156 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,685 you could prove to Child Services 157 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:29,521 that you're a productive member of society again. 158 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,816 Go to Rome. 159 00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,485 Find yourself. 160 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,030 Become the father you were meant to be 161 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:42,075 and get your boy back. 162 00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:56,131 Safe journey, my friend! 163 00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,467 Thanks, Billy! 164 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,649 (CAR BEEPING) 165 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,497 (SCREECHING) 166 00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,477 What have you got? 167 00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,904 (SIGHS) Ball and chain not happy. 168 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,623 (GROANS) 169 00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,082 Sorry I'm late! 170 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,334 Oh, my gosh. 171 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,628 I was finishing up Shavasana 172 00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,547 and this sandstorm kicked up out of nowhere. 173 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,341 I'm okay, though. 174 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,718 Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful. 175 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,720 (SCOFFS) Really? 176 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:27,722 Yes, really. 177 00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,308 Dinner is ruined! 178 00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:34,938 Guys, I told you not to wait for me, didn't I? 179 00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,606 Remember, we talked about this. 180 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,942 Can't we just take it slow? 181 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,443 When I met you guys two years ago, 182 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,779 it was the best orgy of my life. 183 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,448 Let's get back to that feeling. 184 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,616 It's there. 185 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:47,700 (BLEATS) 186 00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:49,953 MAN: Hansel. 187 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,624 Every relationship has to evolve. 188 00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:58,336 And somehow, you've managed to stay the same. 189 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,840 But you're gonna have to change, my man. 190 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,758 'Cause change, she is a-comin'. 191 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:05,593 What? 192 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,811 Natalka. 193 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,151 All of you? 194 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:27,699 (SHUDDERS) 195 00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:29,784 How is this even possible? 196 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,786 We thought you'd be happy. 197 00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,497 (STUTTERING) Well, I am happy. 198 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:35,915 That, uh... 199 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,460 It's just a lot to process, and that's what I'm doing. 200 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,212 To be honest, 201 00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,756 I've never seen myself in this role, you know, as a... 202 00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:45,425 You mean a father? 203 00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,303 Well... Uh... I... 204 00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:50,847 Let me... I want to check on... 205 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,599 On the camel here! 206 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,563 (PANTING) 207 00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,526 Who am I? 208 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,281 Who am I? 209 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,241 BILLY: Hey, Hansel! 210 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,121 Billy Zane? 211 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,624 Got your Netflix. 212 00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:20,293 And this. 213 00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:44,108 DEREK: Thanks very much. HANSEL: No, it's my bag. 214 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,276 DEREK: Excuse me, I think that's... 215 00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:47,612 No, trust me, this is my bag. 216 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,031 - Just look at the ticket right here. - Hansel. 217 00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:51,699 Never heard of him, honcho. 218 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,369 Look right here at the ticket and you can see that... 219 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,997 Derek Zoolander. 220 00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,749 (SIGHS) 221 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,961 Hi. It's been a long time. 222 00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,546 Yeah. Not long enough. 223 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,884 Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should peace. 224 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,719 Wait a minute! 225 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,096 We haven't seen each other since... 226 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,347 Since the building you designed 227 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,182 fell on my face and ruined my career? 228 00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:17,809 Yeah, it's been a while. 229 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,852 It was an accident. I didn't mean to... 230 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,064 You didn't mean to build the support beams out of popsicle sticks 231 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:25,108 and highly-flammable rubber cement? 232 00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,484 That was just a little accident? 233 00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:27,568 Yeah. 234 00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,863 This is it. Forever. 235 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,490 Because I promise you, 236 00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:35,827 this is the last time we will ever see each other. 237 00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:37,495 Right here, this moment. 238 00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,706 Good-bye forever. 239 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,749 Works for me. 240 00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:52,468 (REPORTERS CLAMORING) 241 00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:55,847 Hope you're not an epiplectic, 242 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,473 because we're about to get blinded. 243 00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,100 Yep. Here we go. 244 00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,813 REPORTER: Susan Boyle, right here! 245 00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:06,858 Take a picture of that! 246 00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,276 Vultures! 247 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,114 I guess with my beard and your disgusting face, 248 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,532 they don't know who we are. 249 00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:16,284 VIP: Derek! Hansel! 250 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,619 Hey, boys. I'm Vip. 251 00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,040 - Vip? - Yeah. 252 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,292 I'm in charge of social media for Don Atari. 253 00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,085 I've been working for him since I was 10. 254 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:27,503 How old are you now? 255 00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:28,880 Eleven. 256 00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:30,214 Should we go to the hotel? 257 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:47,231 Pretty strange, you and I both getting called back 258 00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,233 to the big stage like this. 259 00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:52,653 A gig's a gig. I'm just doing this to get my son back. 260 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,741 Explain how doing a fashion show's gonna accomplish that. 261 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:59,869 Simple. Child Services hears I'm working again, 262 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:02,330 KKK, a responsible parent, 263 00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,123 and they give me my son back. 264 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,042 (SCOFFS) Responsible parent? 265 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,877 What? You don't think I could be one? 266 00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,797 No, it just brings up some junk from the past. 267 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:11,923 I didn't have a father. 268 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,966 It's kind of my big issue right now. 269 00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:16,552 - You didn't have a father? - Nah. 270 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:20,139 All my mom ever told me was my dad was a beat cop. 271 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,850 (CHUCKLES) Always on the road. 272 00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:25,520 The road away from little Hansel. 273 00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:37,365 Valentina. You're going to want to see this. 274 00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:42,745 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 275 00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:47,333 Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb. 276 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,380 Zoolander is in Rome? 277 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,226 Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca. 278 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,061 The entire hotel is biodegradable 279 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,896 and made from reclaimed human waste. 280 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,525 This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic, 281 00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:13,901 Zero-Footprint Suite. 282 00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,445 The masseuses at the spa are all homeless. 283 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:19,198 And the hotel has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi. 284 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,284 Wait... We're rooming together? 285 00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:22,451 Mmm-hmm. 286 00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,370 There must be some mistake. 287 00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:25,580 I'll call Billy Zane. 288 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,706 Good idea. 289 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,416 (BEEPING) 290 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,918 Look, tiny phone! That is so retro. 291 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,336 I'm gonna take a picture of it with my phone. 292 00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:33,462 (SHUTTER CLICKS) 293 00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,214 BILLY: This is Billy Zane. I'm not here right... 294 00:19:35,465 --> 00:19:38,092 Well, Don Atari is waiting for you down in the lobby. 295 00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:40,678 Oh, and don't drink the water or you'll die. 296 00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:46,100 I just have one question. 297 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,226 Yeah? 298 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,105 What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi? 299 00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:52,523 (CHUCKLES) You're asking me? 300 00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,859 Muchacho, I have no idea. 301 00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:56,569 - For serious? - No! 302 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,779 Because when Vip said that, you had this look on your face, like, 303 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,656 "I totally know what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!" 304 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:03,034 I was acting cool 'cause I thought you knew. 305 00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,493 I thought you knew! 306 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:07,914 No, I just didn't want Vip to think I was uncool! (LAUGHS) 307 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,626 I miss not knowing things with you. 308 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,711 Yeah. Me, too. 309 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,379 Why didn't we do this sooner? 310 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:16,923 Because we've both been in hiding 311 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,049 since the day I killed my wife 312 00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:19,467 and permanently disfigured you. 313 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,594 Oh, yeah, that's probably it. 314 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,514 That was the day I lost the fire. 315 00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,974 The fire? 316 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,352 The fire in my face. 317 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,022 It's kind of my big issue right now. 318 00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:36,025 You still got it, D-Zone. You're Derek Zoolander. 319 00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:39,195 You stopped a Chinese throwing star in mid-air with a look. 320 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:43,616 I was there. 321 00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:46,619 (SOFTLY) That's not me anymore. 322 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:47,995 Yes, it is. 323 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,748 Hey, flash me that beautiful look. 324 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,084 Give me that incredible Magnum. 325 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,168 No! 326 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,170 Think fast. Magnum. 327 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,380 Wait, no! 328 00:20:57,464 --> 00:20:58,631 Magnum! Now! 329 00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,591 - (GRUNTS) - Oh! 330 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,802 Come on! You got this, but you got to focus! 331 00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:04,553 (GROANS) 332 00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,389 - Come on! - Hansel, stop! 333 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:08,224 - You got this! Yeah! - (GROANING) 334 00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:09,934 Maybe we could try a wash cloth? 335 00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:11,686 - Tequila! - Hansel, no! 336 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:12,937 (GROANING) 337 00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:15,356 No! It's not working! 338 00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,733 (SIGHS) Ah, you're right. 339 00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,235 (EXHALES) 340 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,029 (SIGHS) 341 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,657 What happened to us? 342 00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,619 You mean me. (BREATHING HEAVILY) 343 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,289 You still have it. 344 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:32,665 No, I don't. 345 00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:35,251 Look at this face. It's a horror show. 346 00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:42,800 Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad. 347 00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:44,218 It is. 348 00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,387 - Take off your mask. - No. 349 00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:47,638 No way. 350 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,224 No one's ever seen me without this mask. 351 00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:51,600 (WHISPERING) And no one ever will. 352 00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:55,062 I think I know the real you. 353 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,232 And it has nothing to do with the way you look. 354 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:00,526 You mean that? 355 00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:02,111 Of course, I do. 356 00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:03,529 Okay. 357 00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:08,993 (SCREAMS) No! 358 00:22:09,077 --> 00:22:10,619 It's disgusting! Put it back! 359 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,663 I was wrong, please, put the mask back on! It's so gross! 360 00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:15,041 I can't be friends with you if you look like that! Please! 361 00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:17,668 (GAGS) It is so disgusting! Please, put it back! 362 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:19,420 Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong! 363 00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:21,922 No. This feels good. 364 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,799 Could you please put the mask back on 365 00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,426 so I can concentrate on what you're saying? 366 00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,928 No! I'm done hiding. 367 00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:31,474 Look, there's only one way for us to find ourselves. 368 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,767 Know what that is? 369 00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:35,811 Look inward and connect with our authentic truth? 370 00:22:36,104 --> 00:22:38,481 No. I was gonna say become the two biggest, 371 00:22:38,565 --> 00:22:40,232 hottest models in the world again. 372 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:41,442 Okay. 373 00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:44,111 Okay. So what say we get you cleaned up, 374 00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:45,821 shave that billy goat beard, 375 00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:49,700 go downstairs and show these punks what real fashion looks like? 376 00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,203 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 377 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,448 (GASPS) 378 00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,951 Oh, my God. Yes, dude! 379 00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:35,621 Yes! You guys look so lame. I love it, dude. 380 00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,456 You ninjas dressed up all old-school just to meet me. 381 00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:38,541 So Jedi. 382 00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,209 You guys suck. Both of you guys suck. 383 00:23:40,293 --> 00:23:41,710 You look great. (GRUNTS) 384 00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:43,504 Thanks. 385 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,798 I'm Don Atari. What up? 386 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,008 What up, Hansel? 387 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,136 (LAUGHS) Yeah. That's sick. 388 00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:52,638 Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy... ". 389 00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:54,390 I just said that! 390 00:23:55,016 --> 00:23:56,976 I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right? 391 00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:58,686 Vip told me, so I made these retro shirts 392 00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:00,521 with your old catchphrase on it. 393 00:24:01,356 --> 00:24:02,523 Cool. 394 00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:04,108 Hey, let me introduce my collective, dude. 395 00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:05,651 They're all losers, I hate these guys. 396 00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:07,736 We got TRS-80, KITT... 397 00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,822 Rubik, my man Gleek. 398 00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:13,033 Eh, this guy gives the best shitty tattoos ever. 399 00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:15,202 He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid. 400 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,912 He's the one who did my Colonel Sanders. 401 00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:18,164 Look at that, pretty epic, huh? 402 00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:19,623 It sucks, I don't like it, dude. 403 00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:23,294 Why would I do this to myself? I never wanted this on me. 404 00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,296 I love it, dude. I got it when my grandfather died. 405 00:24:26,089 --> 00:24:27,131 That's really cool. 406 00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,966 So, uh, what's the deal with the show? 407 00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,969 Yeah, where do you want us to fire up this chainsaw? 408 00:24:32,053 --> 00:24:35,389 Colosseum? Trevi Fountain? Spanish Steps? 409 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:36,515 (LAUGHS) 410 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,808 What? No way, dude. 411 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,685 Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo. 412 00:24:40,061 --> 00:24:42,146 We're holding it in an abandoned medical waste facility 413 00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,148 on top of an industrial trash heap. 414 00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:46,400 It's totally toxic, but super chill. 415 00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,486 Cool! Sounds dope. 416 00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:49,653 Yeah, fresh. 417 00:24:49,779 --> 00:24:51,155 Oh, what? 418 00:24:51,239 --> 00:24:53,741 You guys are like, "Sounds dope!" "Fresh!" 419 00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:56,869 They're doing the voices and everything! 420 00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:59,371 I didn't think you guys would do the voices. That's sick! 421 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:01,749 "Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!" 422 00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:05,461 I don't like you guys. It's an honor to have you. 423 00:25:21,978 --> 00:25:23,103 Hey, retreads! 424 00:25:23,813 --> 00:25:25,481 I want to introduce you all to my muse 425 00:25:25,565 --> 00:25:27,191 and basically, like, the biggest supermodel 426 00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:28,817 in the whole world right now, dude. 427 00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:30,402 This is All. 428 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,404 All what? 429 00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:33,822 We are All. 430 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:38,202 So, are you like a male model or a female model? 431 00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:41,080 All is not defined by binary constructs. 432 00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:43,999 That's cool. I don't like labels, either. 433 00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,877 But I think he's asking, do you have a hot dog or a bun? 434 00:25:48,755 --> 00:25:50,464 Do you have a wiener or vergiener? 435 00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:54,093 All is all to all. 436 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:58,931 By the way, All just married hermself, dude. 437 00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:00,933 Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy. 438 00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:02,851 I support that. 439 00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:04,603 Derek, that's pretty good, right? 440 00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:10,067 Uh, I'm sorry, are you not comfortable 441 00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:11,652 with people like All in the workplace or something? 442 00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:14,238 No. Of course, I am. 443 00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:16,156 I mean, like, if your son or whatever came to you and said, 444 00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:17,741 "Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All," 445 00:26:17,826 --> 00:26:19,368 like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that? 446 00:26:19,452 --> 00:26:21,287 Isn't that, like, exactly what you want? 447 00:26:21,371 --> 00:26:23,122 Imagine All walking in, being like, 448 00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:24,957 "We'll finally be together. " 449 00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:27,334 You'd be like hella stoked for that, right? 450 00:26:28,044 --> 00:26:29,211 Yeah. 451 00:26:29,713 --> 00:26:31,547 I'd be, like, totally stoked. 452 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:34,592 All is done here. Atari. 453 00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:36,510 See you, fools. 454 00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:39,305 Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here! 455 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:40,848 The show must begin now! 456 00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:45,811 Wow. Alexanya Atoz. 457 00:26:45,895 --> 00:26:48,897 They say she doesn't walk. She just floats. 458 00:26:52,277 --> 00:26:54,153 She looks even better in person. 459 00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:58,741 (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) 460 00:27:02,996 --> 00:27:05,581 Ah, I got those juices flowing again. 461 00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:13,839 Just put us out there. Let us do our thing. 462 00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:18,010 Come on! Come on! 463 00:27:18,553 --> 00:27:21,347 Chop, chop! Lay down, lay down! 464 00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:23,807 Get in, get in. Take off your robes. 465 00:27:25,435 --> 00:27:27,102 Go! Go! Go! 466 00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:32,566 Derek! I have a really good feeling about this. 467 00:27:32,942 --> 00:27:35,277 I know. I feel so alive! 468 00:27:35,862 --> 00:27:36,862 (RUMBLING) 469 00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:41,241 (SCARY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) 470 00:27:41,701 --> 00:27:43,243 - Oh! - (GROANS) 471 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,413 (CROWD GASPS) 472 00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:48,165 (GRUNTING) 473 00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:56,048 "Old"? 474 00:27:58,009 --> 00:27:59,343 "Lamé"? 475 00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:04,056 (ALL GASP) 476 00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:09,269 - Ha! Yah! - (BOTH GROANING) 477 00:28:10,605 --> 00:28:12,523 (YELLING) 478 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:14,650 Quit it, All! 479 00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:15,734 (GRUNTS) 480 00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:18,445 HANSEL: Hot dog! It's definitely a hot dog! 481 00:28:18,905 --> 00:28:19,947 All is done. 482 00:28:28,665 --> 00:28:29,707 "Prunes"? 483 00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:33,711 (ALL GASP) 484 00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:38,257 (SCREAMING) 485 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,435 So let me tell you what I think worked. 486 00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,062 I think we got to shake off some of the rust. 487 00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:53,397 I was trying out a few new looks, 488 00:28:53,481 --> 00:28:54,732 although it might have been hard to see 489 00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:57,359 through all the dates, or, was it, you know, prunes? 490 00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,403 Hansel, are you insane? 491 00:28:59,487 --> 00:29:00,946 We were a joke out there. 492 00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:02,322 A total laughing stick. 493 00:29:03,199 --> 00:29:04,867 What do you want me to say? I mean, I know... 494 00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:06,201 I know we looked like idiots, 495 00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:07,578 but I'm trying to make the best of it! 496 00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:08,704 ALEXANYA: Knuck, knuck! 497 00:29:08,788 --> 00:29:09,997 Not now! We... 498 00:29:14,377 --> 00:29:15,711 You... 499 00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:17,463 ...two... 500 00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,506 ...vere amowzing. 501 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:21,925 Deeryuck. 502 00:29:22,010 --> 00:29:24,678 Your fece so hundsome. 503 00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:27,181 Und, Hansel, so stemmy. 504 00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,852 Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot. 505 00:29:33,062 --> 00:29:35,647 I'm sorry. I can't understand a word that you're saying. 506 00:29:36,483 --> 00:29:39,276 I want to invite you to be my gyuests 507 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,489 at the most elite fishion event in housetory. 508 00:29:44,699 --> 00:29:46,325 The IncrediBall. 509 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,494 Oh, what! 510 00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:50,537 The IncrediBall? 511 00:29:50,663 --> 00:29:52,039 Is that like the Met Ball? 512 00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,874 (LAUGHS) 513 00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:58,086 No, sveet, stupid Deryuck. 514 00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:02,591 For the first time in the housetory of fishion, 515 00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:06,220 all of the most important designers will come together 516 00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:08,138 under one rureff. 517 00:30:09,182 --> 00:30:11,850 I trust you will be dere 518 00:30:12,268 --> 00:30:15,938 with your hyot and stemmy feces. 519 00:30:21,402 --> 00:30:23,445 Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What! 520 00:30:24,322 --> 00:30:26,865 You're guys are gonna be the center-pizzle of IncrediBall! 521 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,075 What does that mean? 522 00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:31,286 (INDISTINCTLY) The center-pizzle of IncrediBall. 523 00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,082 That was bananas, Johnny. 524 00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:40,170 I'm done. 525 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,297 What? Derek, what are you talking about? 526 00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:43,549 Did you not hear what they just said? 527 00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:45,551 We're going to be the center of the IncrediBall. 528 00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:48,595 I can only pray that nobody from Child Services attended the show 529 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,597 or I'll never get little Derek back. 530 00:30:51,057 --> 00:30:52,099 What about all the attention? 531 00:30:52,183 --> 00:30:54,101 This is exactly what we were talking about! 532 00:30:54,644 --> 00:30:57,479 No, Hansel. It's exactly what you were talking about. 533 00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,106 We don't fit in anymore. 534 00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:02,776 Don Atari and All and that creepy little Vip! 535 00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,444 - I don't want any part of it! - Derek. 536 00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:06,530 Derek! 537 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,533 Derek! D-rock! 538 00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,286 (ENGINE THROTTLING) 539 00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:15,664 (TIRES SQUEALING) 540 00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:36,310 Derek Zoolander? 541 00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:37,561 Yes. 542 00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:39,897 Valentina Valencia. 543 00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:42,316 Interpol, Global Fashion Division. 544 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,736 Fashion Police? We're clean, lady. Go harass somebody else. 545 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,322 Besides, I'm out of fashion. 546 00:31:48,865 --> 00:31:50,157 I need to talk to you. 547 00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:53,243 It has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 548 00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:55,162 His death is not my problem. 549 00:31:55,246 --> 00:31:58,999 Look, I'm trying to find out who's killing the pop stars of the world. 550 00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,168 And I think you're my only chance. 551 00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:05,255 What part of "not my problem" did you not understand? 552 00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:06,340 None of it. 553 00:32:08,968 --> 00:32:11,261 So you did understand the part about it not being my problem, 554 00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:14,681 or you didn't understand any part of it not being a part of my problem? 555 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,017 No, no, no, Derek. 556 00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:19,645 I think what she's saying is that she understands what you're saying, 557 00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:20,896 but she doesn't accept it. 558 00:32:20,980 --> 00:32:23,023 Hansel! It's all too confusing. 559 00:32:23,816 --> 00:32:25,734 I thought coming here would help me find myself, 560 00:32:25,818 --> 00:32:27,611 and possibly my son. 561 00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:29,780 But this is more than I bargained for. 562 00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:34,493 This hermit crab is crawling back into his planetarium. 563 00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:40,040 I can use the database at Interpol to help you find your son. 564 00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:44,378 If you help me. 565 00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,298 I think we got to play ball with her. 566 00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:50,008 She's got some kind of database 567 00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:52,010 or something that she says 568 00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:53,762 will help us find little Derek. 569 00:32:57,684 --> 00:32:58,976 And she's hot. 570 00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:00,185 I trust her. 571 00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,939 (TIRES SQUEALING) 572 00:33:11,572 --> 00:33:13,115 (MOUTHING INAUDIBLY) 573 00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,075 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 574 00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:31,258 VALENTINA: So, before Bieber died, he Twitpic'd this look. 575 00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:34,845 He posted it to the blogspot for his summer concert tour. 576 00:33:35,596 --> 00:33:37,597 He was trying to send a message. 577 00:33:40,226 --> 00:33:42,227 It's Blue Steel, right? 578 00:33:43,938 --> 00:33:45,897 What are you, a fucking idiot? 579 00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,276 Yeah, that's Blue Steel. 580 00:33:49,402 --> 00:33:50,652 (LAUGHS) 581 00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:53,280 My question is, is Interpol one of those socialist things 582 00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:55,615 where they hire mentally-impaired people? 583 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,617 - I... I know. - (SCOFFING) 584 00:33:58,286 --> 00:33:59,453 That's right. 585 00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:01,079 I heard your mother worked here. 586 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:03,790 (LAUGHS) Oh, snap! 587 00:34:04,333 --> 00:34:05,333 (HISSES) 588 00:34:06,502 --> 00:34:08,211 My mother doesn't work here. 589 00:34:09,922 --> 00:34:11,506 No more games, okay? 590 00:34:11,591 --> 00:34:13,592 Is this Blue Steel or not? 591 00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:15,302 Not even close. 592 00:34:15,803 --> 00:34:17,679 I knew what it was the moment I saw it. 593 00:34:18,181 --> 00:34:19,556 It's an old one... From the 90s. 594 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,683 It was for a body lotion campaign I did. 595 00:34:22,101 --> 00:34:23,810 I called it "Aqua Vitae". 596 00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:25,228 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 597 00:34:26,355 --> 00:34:28,148 (KEYS CLACKING) 598 00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:32,152 (MUSIC PLAYING) 599 00:35:05,019 --> 00:35:06,686 Young forever. 600 00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,356 Moo! 601 00:35:11,567 --> 00:35:13,860 (WOMAN READING) 602 00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:16,363 Still holds up. 603 00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:19,157 DEREK: Notice the curvature of my right eyebrow. 604 00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:20,951 It's night and day from Blue Steel. 605 00:35:21,619 --> 00:35:22,661 He's right. 606 00:35:22,745 --> 00:35:26,581 When I overlay them, there are over 14,000 different facial anomalies. 607 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,041 Wow. 608 00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:31,378 I had no idea there was so much subtlety involved. 609 00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:35,549 Please accept my apologies, Derek. 610 00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:37,342 None taken. 611 00:35:46,185 --> 00:35:47,894 (SOFTLY) Whoa! 612 00:35:48,354 --> 00:35:51,231 Filippo, we need to find everything there is on Aqua Vitae. 613 00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:52,399 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 614 00:35:54,277 --> 00:35:56,778 Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal. 615 00:35:57,989 --> 00:35:59,823 Now, you help me find my son. 616 00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:01,324 Sure. 617 00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:03,243 His name is Derek Jr.? 618 00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:04,327 Yes. 619 00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,246 Have you ever Facebooked him? 620 00:36:06,706 --> 00:36:09,374 No, thanks. Matilda facebooked... 621 00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,376 ...and it killed her. 622 00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:13,044 Found him. 623 00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:15,881 He's at the Orphanage Del Piccolo Cletusi. 624 00:36:17,383 --> 00:36:18,842 Here. 625 00:36:18,926 --> 00:36:19,926 In Rome. 626 00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:21,887 Wait. What? 627 00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:23,889 He's in Rome. 628 00:36:23,973 --> 00:36:27,100 That's convenient. So we can hit that party at the IncrediBall. 629 00:36:27,768 --> 00:36:29,853 A little too convenient. 630 00:36:30,688 --> 00:36:32,856 Someone wants you here, guys. 631 00:36:32,940 --> 00:36:33,940 But who? 632 00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:35,942 Listen to me. 633 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:37,819 (WHISPERS) Be careful at the orphanage. 634 00:36:37,904 --> 00:36:39,988 And trust no one at House ofAtoz. 635 00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:42,449 I'll see what I can find. 636 00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:13,730 Thanks for coming with me. I feel kind of nervous. 637 00:37:13,814 --> 00:37:16,775 Hey. You're showing up. Feel good. 638 00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:31,373 That must be him. 639 00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:32,499 Where? 640 00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:41,800 He's even more gorgeous than I imagined. 641 00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:45,512 You're a lucky man. 642 00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:48,181 You there. Boy. 643 00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:52,435 - What's his name? - Who? 644 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,271 Him? 645 00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:55,438 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 646 00:37:55,523 --> 00:37:57,190 That's Fabrizio. 647 00:37:57,566 --> 00:37:58,900 Fabrizio. 648 00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:01,403 What a beautiful name. 649 00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:04,364 He used to be called Derek Jr. 650 00:38:04,782 --> 00:38:07,367 Really? That's strange, 'cause that's my name. 651 00:38:09,745 --> 00:38:13,039 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 652 00:38:14,208 --> 00:38:15,333 (ALL LAUGHING) 653 00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:17,127 (GASPS) 654 00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:18,753 Bye, mister. 655 00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,256 - Let's go. - What? 656 00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:22,799 - Let's go. - Why? 657 00:38:22,883 --> 00:38:24,050 I can't do this. 658 00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:25,218 Why not? 659 00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:28,388 He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr. 660 00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:31,141 No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander. 661 00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:32,392 I heard them call him that. 662 00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,811 Don't you get it? He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat". 663 00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:37,897 That's how he came up with "Fatlander". Fat equals Zoo! 664 00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:41,192 So wait. You're saying that just because your son is fat 665 00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:43,695 that makes him some sort of terrible person? 666 00:38:44,655 --> 00:38:46,072 (SIGHS) Maybe you're right. 667 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,282 No, I'm asking. 668 00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:50,160 Does being fat make someone a terrible person? 669 00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:51,286 And I'm agreeing with you. 670 00:38:51,370 --> 00:38:54,706 I seriously think my fat son might be a terrible person. 671 00:38:58,252 --> 00:39:00,086 And it doesn't make him a good person, I know that. 672 00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:01,296 But I don't know what to say. 673 00:39:01,380 --> 00:39:03,423 I think you better puddle-talk it out. 674 00:39:06,052 --> 00:39:07,093 (SIGHS) 675 00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,646 So I guess I have a lot to ponder. 676 00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:21,399 You sure do. 677 00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:23,818 WOMAN: Derek. 678 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,196 What? Who's that? 679 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:27,572 I don't know. It wasn't me. 680 00:39:28,324 --> 00:39:29,824 WOMAN: Derek. 681 00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:31,951 Derek. 682 00:39:32,953 --> 00:39:35,622 Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you? 683 00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:37,332 Yes, Derek. 684 00:39:37,416 --> 00:39:41,836 I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, but I've just been so dead. 685 00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:43,338 Listen. 686 00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:45,924 You must love our son. 687 00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,967 He needs you. 688 00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:51,137 But beware of the Headmaster. 689 00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:53,390 What's happening to you? 690 00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:55,558 Love our son. 691 00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:59,145 - Ew! - And beware the Headmaster. 692 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:00,230 (SCREAMS) 693 00:40:00,731 --> 00:40:01,898 Hello. 694 00:40:01,982 --> 00:40:02,982 (SCREAMS) 695 00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:04,567 I'm the Headmaster. 696 00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:07,195 Derek Zoolander... 697 00:40:07,738 --> 00:40:09,239 ...I'm assuming. 698 00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:11,991 Because I've never met you ever. 699 00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:16,246 Mr. Hansel informs me that you'd like to see your son. 700 00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:19,082 Easily arranged. Come. 701 00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:27,215 I should tell you, your son is incredibly gifted. 702 00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:29,426 - (PHONE RINGS) - Hello. 703 00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,345 DISTORTED VOICE: Ifyou want to find the Spirits in the Material World, 704 00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:35,557 you need to talk to the Ghost in the Machine. 705 00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:37,142 What? Who is this? 706 00:40:37,226 --> 00:40:39,352 I have a Message in a Bottle for you, 707 00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:42,230 so don't go to The Police. 708 00:40:42,857 --> 00:40:46,860 Okay, don't go to the police 'cause there's a message in a bottle. 709 00:40:46,944 --> 00:40:48,945 (CHUCKLES) Okay, I got it. 710 00:40:49,405 --> 00:40:51,906 Now go prank call someone else, idiot. 711 00:40:52,366 --> 00:40:53,867 Here they are now. 712 00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:02,083 Hey, there, sport. 713 00:41:03,335 --> 00:41:05,628 I hear someone's a fat little smartypants. 714 00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:11,009 I'll leave you to it, then. 715 00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:13,136 I'm gonna let you two catch up 716 00:41:13,220 --> 00:41:15,096 and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca. 717 00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:20,977 Look, I know you have a lot of unresolved feelings, 718 00:41:21,061 --> 00:41:22,437 but I'm still your father. 719 00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:25,648 You're not my father. You weren't there. 720 00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:29,194 That wasn't my choice. I was there when you were little. 721 00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:31,779 Most kids play catch with their father. 722 00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:34,782 They don't go with them to a thong shoot. 723 00:41:35,367 --> 00:41:37,118 There are lots of starving children in Africa 724 00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,370 who would die to go to a thong shoot. 725 00:41:39,747 --> 00:41:40,747 What? 726 00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,208 Look, let me make it up to you. 727 00:41:43,292 --> 00:41:44,959 Let's go play ball-catching now. 728 00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:46,503 Ball-catching? 729 00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:48,880 So how's the family reunion going? 730 00:41:49,548 --> 00:41:51,341 Great. I'd like to check him out 731 00:41:51,425 --> 00:41:53,176 for a few hours, if that's okay. 732 00:41:53,260 --> 00:41:56,429 Sure. As long as he's back by sundown. 733 00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:59,432 He seems like a nice guy. 734 00:41:59,808 --> 00:42:01,476 You seem like an idiot. 735 00:42:02,561 --> 00:42:04,979 Okay, I think I know what would help right now. 736 00:42:05,439 --> 00:42:06,439 What? 737 00:42:07,483 --> 00:42:09,817 Frozen chocolata gelato! 738 00:42:12,279 --> 00:42:14,113 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 739 00:42:22,122 --> 00:42:23,206 Ciao! 740 00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,340 (BOTH SCREAMING) 741 00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:39,889 DEREK JR.: (CRYING) Oh, my God! 742 00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:48,606 (EXHALES) 743 00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,485 Hashtag, oops. 744 00:42:55,155 --> 00:42:58,950 You know, sometimes it takes an extremely traumatic experience 745 00:42:59,034 --> 00:43:01,286 to make you appreciate a good makeover. 746 00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:02,745 Am I right? 747 00:43:04,456 --> 00:43:05,623 Derek? 748 00:43:08,085 --> 00:43:09,627 Derek Jr.! 749 00:43:16,010 --> 00:43:18,386 - Are you mentally insane? - What? 750 00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:21,639 What are you reading? I Am Malalalala? 751 00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:24,058 No books! Think of your mother. 752 00:43:25,477 --> 00:43:28,021 What's the big deal? Mom read tons of books. 753 00:43:28,355 --> 00:43:30,732 And a one-ton book killed her. 754 00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:34,110 The book didn't kill Mom. You did. 755 00:43:34,403 --> 00:43:36,362 And you nearly killed me, too. 756 00:43:37,197 --> 00:43:40,533 Come on. Look at us. We look ridiculous. 757 00:43:40,951 --> 00:43:43,161 What, okay, maybe your pants are a little loose. 758 00:43:43,245 --> 00:43:45,079 - Are you serious right now? - What? 759 00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:48,166 I don't want to be anything like you! 760 00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:49,375 You're a has-been! 761 00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:52,670 And you are the most narcissistic, 762 00:43:52,796 --> 00:43:55,465 self-involved person I've ever met! 763 00:43:56,467 --> 00:43:58,468 But that's not how I think of me. 764 00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:00,637 I'm going back to school. 765 00:44:01,847 --> 00:44:03,973 Little Derek, come back here! 766 00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,225 I thought we were gonna give each other facials! 767 00:44:06,310 --> 00:44:07,894 - (WHISTLES) - (ENGINE RUNNING) 768 00:44:08,228 --> 00:44:10,813 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 769 00:44:12,775 --> 00:44:13,775 Wait. 770 00:44:15,069 --> 00:44:16,736 How did you learn to speak Italian? 771 00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:18,071 Because I'm smart! 772 00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:21,199 Mom was smart, too. 773 00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:23,409 The only stupid thing she ever did 774 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,078 was fall in love with you. 775 00:44:26,580 --> 00:44:30,041 I don't even have the words to express what a burn that is. 776 00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:33,753 (SIGHS) I don't know what to say. 777 00:44:34,421 --> 00:44:37,465 No, I mean I literally don't have the vocabulary to respond. 778 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,134 You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus. 779 00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:43,221 You mean "walking thesaurus". 780 00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:45,807 I don't know. 781 00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:50,103 I guess it's nice that you want to reconnect or whatever. 782 00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:51,688 But we're too different. 783 00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:53,189 And it's too late. 784 00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,567 Thanks for the gelato. 785 00:45:01,198 --> 00:45:02,573 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 786 00:45:15,003 --> 00:45:16,337 Orgy. 787 00:45:19,091 --> 00:45:21,175 WOMAN: Hi there, Hansel. 788 00:45:28,350 --> 00:45:30,852 I heard you 789 00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:32,854 are on the rebound. 790 00:45:32,938 --> 00:45:35,606 No, no. I'm still... Still committed. 791 00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:38,192 We're just taking a little time to kind of... 792 00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,738 Doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's bodies. 793 00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:44,031 (WHISPERS) Oh, damn it. 794 00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:46,325 MAN: Hansel. 795 00:45:47,161 --> 00:45:50,830 Meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself. 796 00:45:54,209 --> 00:45:55,877 Come on. 797 00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:03,176 Ooh. 798 00:46:04,636 --> 00:46:06,846 (EXHALES AND SIGHS) 799 00:46:16,106 --> 00:46:17,774 (POUNDING) 800 00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:19,108 (SHUSHING) 801 00:46:19,234 --> 00:46:20,401 KIEFER: Hansel! 802 00:46:20,527 --> 00:46:21,736 (POUNDING) 803 00:46:21,820 --> 00:46:22,987 We know you're in there! 804 00:46:23,071 --> 00:46:24,155 Stay here. Stay here. 805 00:46:25,324 --> 00:46:27,867 Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize! 806 00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:31,245 Come back to the pigpile, Hansel. 807 00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:34,791 Touch-a, touch-a, touch me. I want to be dirty. 808 00:46:34,875 --> 00:46:36,959 That's it. I've had enough. Everybody, back up. 809 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,045 Back! Back! 810 00:46:39,213 --> 00:46:40,213 (YELLS) 811 00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:44,717 Hello! Hello! 812 00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:45,802 Ah. 813 00:46:46,053 --> 00:46:47,261 My gosh. 814 00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:49,347 God... Ow! 815 00:46:51,350 --> 00:46:52,809 (CLUCKING) 816 00:46:55,729 --> 00:46:57,480 (GRUNTING) 817 00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:02,527 Oh, Hansel. 818 00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:05,154 Okay. You guys have a talk. I'm going to a bar. 819 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,114 That's a good idea. Yeah, go. 820 00:47:07,199 --> 00:47:08,407 Hey... 821 00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:10,493 You are a basic bitch. 822 00:47:11,411 --> 00:47:14,413 Come on, let's go. Come on. Out. 823 00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,165 I can kill you. 824 00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:20,753 Please. Let me just explain. 825 00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:23,756 Guys, you didn't even give me a chance to explain! 826 00:47:24,132 --> 00:47:26,843 Hansel, how can you expect to love 11 people 827 00:47:27,427 --> 00:47:29,554 when you don't even love yourself? 828 00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:34,976 I hope they were worth it. 829 00:47:36,353 --> 00:47:37,770 That's not fair. 830 00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:39,272 Kiefer! 831 00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:41,190 Kiefer! 832 00:47:41,275 --> 00:47:42,525 (TOILET FLUSHING) 833 00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:48,114 Hey, where did everybody go? I wasn't done with that hippo. 834 00:47:48,615 --> 00:47:49,782 (GROANS) 835 00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:53,452 (PANTING) 836 00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:56,038 Who am I? 837 00:47:58,625 --> 00:48:00,126 DEREK: Who am I? 838 00:48:03,171 --> 00:48:05,214 - Derek? - Hey, Hansel. 839 00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:07,425 Are you trying to figure out who you are, also? 840 00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:08,593 Yep. 841 00:48:09,469 --> 00:48:12,847 Who am I? 842 00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:15,808 DEREK: Hey, Katy! 843 00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:19,729 Yeah, it's like, when will we find out who we really are? 844 00:48:20,105 --> 00:48:21,147 I know, right? 845 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,773 Who am I? 846 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,443 Neil deGrasse Tyson. 847 00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:27,069 Even you don't know who you are? 848 00:48:27,654 --> 00:48:29,614 In an ever-expanding universe, 849 00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:33,034 slowly pulling itself apart into nothingness, 850 00:48:33,493 --> 00:48:37,997 what use does the question "Who am I?" even have? 851 00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:43,127 Neil, I got to say, you're totally blowing my mind right now. 852 00:48:43,670 --> 00:48:45,171 That's what I do. 853 00:48:45,255 --> 00:48:48,049 I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch. 854 00:48:48,467 --> 00:48:49,467 Whoo! 855 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:53,012 Hansel! Derek! You have to come to Interpol! 856 00:48:53,138 --> 00:48:54,805 I have incredible news! 857 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:58,184 VALENTINA: We did a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look, 858 00:48:58,268 --> 00:49:00,645 and a linguistics analysis on its etymology. 859 00:49:01,104 --> 00:49:03,564 The direct translation is "Water of Life. " 860 00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:06,275 But many have interpreted it another way. 861 00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:09,862 "The Fountain of Youth". 862 00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:13,032 Okay, look, I only worked there for a summer. 863 00:49:13,116 --> 00:49:15,701 And, no, they don't give happy endings. 864 00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:18,829 No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth. 865 00:49:20,582 --> 00:49:25,294 Can you imagine if the Fountain of Youth indeed does exist... 866 00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:29,715 And ifAIexanya Atoz could market such a liquid... 867 00:49:30,550 --> 00:49:32,343 Do you ever get that feeling 868 00:49:32,427 --> 00:49:36,180 when you see beautiful teenager girl with perfect skin 869 00:49:36,264 --> 00:49:39,600 and you want to kill her and take her skin 870 00:49:39,726 --> 00:49:41,602 and put it on your skin? 871 00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,521 We bottled that feeling. 872 00:49:43,605 --> 00:49:46,232 House of Atoz Yowth Milk. 873 00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:48,901 ...she would make billions. 874 00:49:49,569 --> 00:49:50,569 (PHONE RINGING) 875 00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:51,988 (SOFTLY) Excuse me. 876 00:49:54,324 --> 00:49:55,324 Orgy? 877 00:49:55,409 --> 00:49:56,826 DISTORTED VOICE: You are in serious danger. 878 00:49:57,869 --> 00:49:59,996 Don't Stand So Close To Me. 879 00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:02,289 Come on. It's this prank caller again. 880 00:50:02,457 --> 00:50:03,833 - Put it on speaker. - What... Why? 881 00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:05,584 Just put it on speaker! 882 00:50:06,128 --> 00:50:07,336 Who is this? 883 00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:09,505 I am your King of Pain. 884 00:50:09,923 --> 00:50:13,426 Every breath this guy takes, I'm like, "What are you talking about?" 885 00:50:14,011 --> 00:50:15,011 Oh, Jesus. 886 00:50:15,095 --> 00:50:17,763 Just meet me at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight. 887 00:50:20,058 --> 00:50:21,851 Sounds like this guy's really into Sting. 888 00:50:23,103 --> 00:50:24,937 I model my life after Sting. 889 00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:27,982 And Bieber was killed in front of Sting's villa. 890 00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,276 What? 891 00:50:35,907 --> 00:50:37,783 (CHANTING) 892 00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:16,614 (WHISPERING) Forgive me, Father. 893 00:51:16,698 --> 00:51:18,783 I have many sins that I would like to confess. 894 00:51:19,951 --> 00:51:22,995 One of my sins has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 895 00:51:32,130 --> 00:51:33,380 No way. 896 00:51:34,674 --> 00:51:35,841 Hey, Derek. 897 00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:37,426 Hey, Sting. 898 00:51:38,178 --> 00:51:40,179 And hello, sweet Hansel. 899 00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:42,264 Hi. 900 00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:44,350 You two know each other? 901 00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:46,602 Sadly, we've never met. 902 00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:48,938 And yet I feel like I've known you... 903 00:51:49,397 --> 00:51:51,565 BOTH:... my entire life. 904 00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:55,027 STING: Tell me. 905 00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,947 Have you heard of the Fountain of Youth? 906 00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:01,826 Yes. Why does everybody keep asking me that? 907 00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:04,829 No, Derek, not the hand job joint you worked at in SoHo. 908 00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:06,372 The real Fountain of Youth. 909 00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:10,209 It dates back some 6,000 years. 910 00:52:10,710 --> 00:52:15,422 Its original location is thought to have been the Garden of Eden. 911 00:52:16,091 --> 00:52:20,261 You mean the Turkish bathhouse I used to work at in Tribeca? 912 00:52:21,972 --> 00:52:24,974 No, Derek. The Garden of Eden. 913 00:52:26,893 --> 00:52:29,395 The birthplace of Adam and Eve 914 00:52:30,522 --> 00:52:32,189 and Steve. 915 00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:37,069 Steve? Who's Steve? 916 00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:40,489 Steve is the original supermodel. 917 00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:42,324 The first of the purebloods. 918 00:52:42,576 --> 00:52:44,368 He was said to be so beautiful, 919 00:52:44,452 --> 00:52:46,078 with a look so powerful... 920 00:52:46,246 --> 00:52:48,455 ...that even the pools of water he gazed upon 921 00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:50,374 could not reflect his beauty back to him. 922 00:52:52,210 --> 00:52:53,210 That look... 923 00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:57,256 That look was called "El Niño". 924 00:52:58,633 --> 00:53:02,052 But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve. 925 00:53:02,804 --> 00:53:04,638 Countless lives throughout history 926 00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:06,265 have been lost to make sure of that. 927 00:53:06,933 --> 00:53:11,020 Evil forces have hunted his offspring for centuries. 928 00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:14,273 For the legend states 929 00:53:14,441 --> 00:53:16,984 that if you wrench the still-beating heart 930 00:53:17,110 --> 00:53:20,321 from the gorgeous body of a true descendent of Steve 931 00:53:20,405 --> 00:53:22,281 and drink its blood, 932 00:53:22,365 --> 00:53:25,701 you will obtain eternal beauty. 933 00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:29,914 So the Fountain of Youth is not a fountain at all. 934 00:53:30,624 --> 00:53:32,124 The Fountain of Youth is... 935 00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:33,250 A person. 936 00:53:33,335 --> 00:53:34,627 And not just anyone. 937 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,171 A direct descendent of Steve. 938 00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:38,797 The Chosen One. 939 00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:41,091 How do you know all this? 940 00:53:41,259 --> 00:53:45,304 Because I, and many rock stars like me, are his protectors. 941 00:53:46,473 --> 00:53:48,182 You see, there are only a few genes 942 00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:52,645 that separate the greatest rock stars in history from male models. 943 00:53:52,812 --> 00:53:54,688 Which genes are those? 944 00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:57,316 The ones for talent and intelligence. 945 00:53:57,651 --> 00:53:58,859 Of course. 946 00:53:59,194 --> 00:54:01,737 We were entrusted to protect the Chosen Ones. 947 00:54:02,739 --> 00:54:04,240 But who is the Chosen One? 948 00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:07,201 We believe it is your son. 949 00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:10,371 And that he is in grave danger. 950 00:54:11,456 --> 00:54:12,539 But he's back at the school! 951 00:54:12,624 --> 00:54:14,917 We have to get to him before something terrible happens to him! 952 00:54:15,001 --> 00:54:18,170 No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes. 953 00:54:19,547 --> 00:54:21,507 Is there anything you want to ask me? 954 00:54:21,591 --> 00:54:23,092 Anything at all? 955 00:54:25,720 --> 00:54:28,389 Do you really have sex for ten hours? 956 00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:30,808 (SIGHS) 957 00:54:30,892 --> 00:54:32,017 No comment. 958 00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:33,894 (WHISPERS) Fifteen. 959 00:54:36,523 --> 00:54:38,023 Farewell, my handsome boy. 960 00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,901 - Farewell. - Good-bye, Sting. 961 00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:45,864 (SIRENS BLARING) 962 00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:56,375 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Bolt cutters! 963 00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:08,679 He's gone! 964 00:55:10,724 --> 00:55:13,058 HANSEL: It's like no one was ever here. 965 00:55:15,395 --> 00:55:16,478 It was a wig. 966 00:55:16,563 --> 00:55:17,646 What? 967 00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:19,648 It was a wig the whole time. 968 00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:20,899 That was a wig? 969 00:55:21,234 --> 00:55:24,069 That Headmaster wasn't a good guy at all! 970 00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,154 No! 971 00:55:25,655 --> 00:55:28,699 No! No! No! 972 00:55:28,783 --> 00:55:29,992 Derek! 973 00:55:30,076 --> 00:55:31,618 Derek, relax! 974 00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,415 (HEAVY BREATHING) 975 00:55:37,876 --> 00:55:39,209 Don't do it. 976 00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:42,046 When you want to go to it. 977 00:55:44,841 --> 00:55:46,925 (SIREN WAILING) 978 00:55:48,928 --> 00:55:50,054 - Filippo. - Si. 979 00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:51,847 I need you to pull up everything you have 980 00:55:51,931 --> 00:55:54,141 on the man who was arrested back in 2001 981 00:55:54,225 --> 00:55:55,601 for brainwashing Zoolander. 982 00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,436 Facial scans to be cross-referenced 983 00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,230 with security footage of the headmaster of the orphanage. 984 00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,108 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 985 00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:05,569 It's a positive I.D. 986 00:56:06,654 --> 00:56:09,281 The Headmaster didn't have a name or papers. 987 00:56:09,491 --> 00:56:10,574 Oh, my God. 988 00:56:10,658 --> 00:56:12,493 It's the evil breakdancing DJ. 989 00:56:12,744 --> 00:56:16,413 He was arrested with Mugatu and his accomplice back in 2001. 990 00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:19,875 (GASPS) It's Katinka Ingaborgovinananananana. 991 00:56:20,210 --> 00:56:21,251 Where are they now? 992 00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:23,962 Ingaborgovinanananana disappeared off the grid. 993 00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:26,799 It looks like the Evil DJ came through the Swiss border 994 00:56:26,883 --> 00:56:29,551 with forged papers about three weeks ago. 995 00:56:30,345 --> 00:56:32,179 I suppose they could have... 996 00:56:32,597 --> 00:56:35,432 Driven to Rome and kidnapped Derek's son. 997 00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:36,683 Exactly! 998 00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:39,770 Which means the person behind all of this is... 999 00:56:49,155 --> 00:56:50,489 Who? 1000 00:56:52,742 --> 00:56:53,992 Who? 1001 00:56:54,619 --> 00:56:56,286 Who are we talking about? 1002 00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:10,676 VALENTINA: Mugatu's in there. 1003 00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:13,387 For ten years, there has only been one name 1004 00:57:13,471 --> 00:57:16,140 on the list of visitors that he will allow. 1005 00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:20,185 Thank you. 1006 00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:22,688 For what? 1007 00:57:23,022 --> 00:57:24,356 For helping us. 1008 00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:31,738 When I was a little girl growing up in Albacete, 1009 00:57:31,865 --> 00:57:36,034 my room was covered in pictures of Derek Zoolander. 1010 00:57:38,538 --> 00:57:41,748 The most amazing model alive. 1011 00:57:45,086 --> 00:57:47,254 Except I'm not one anymore. 1012 00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:50,090 My son called me a has-been. 1013 00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:54,011 I'm a has-been. 1014 00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,097 What kind of has-been were you? 1015 00:58:01,686 --> 00:58:03,729 I was a swimsuit model. 1016 00:58:04,272 --> 00:58:06,190 - I'm so sorry. - My heart goes out to you. 1017 00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:11,820 I was never able to transition to print or runway. 1018 00:58:12,530 --> 00:58:14,865 To your world of high fashion. 1019 00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,242 Because of these. 1020 00:58:18,411 --> 00:58:22,623 These intrusive, oversized naturals. 1021 00:58:23,249 --> 00:58:24,416 (SIGHS) 1022 00:58:25,084 --> 00:58:28,462 These things could never fit into a sample size. 1023 00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:30,964 Gross. 1024 00:58:36,429 --> 00:58:38,263 (WHISPERING) You need to go for this now... 1025 00:58:38,389 --> 00:58:40,098 Not later. Now. 1026 00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:42,100 - Hansel, are you serious? - Yes. 1027 00:58:42,227 --> 00:58:44,061 While Matilda lies warm in her grave? 1028 00:58:44,562 --> 00:58:47,439 Matilda's been dead for years. You need to move on. 1029 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:50,192 Honestly, by now she's just a couple of teeth. 1030 00:58:50,276 --> 00:58:51,485 A piece of spine. 1031 00:58:51,569 --> 00:58:55,197 Maybe a little skull fragment, like that guy from Tales from the Crypt. 1032 00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:56,990 The Crypt Keeper. (GRUNTING) 1033 00:58:57,158 --> 00:58:59,952 Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready. 1034 00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:20,973 VALENTINA: The world's most notorious fashion criminals are in there. 1035 00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:26,019 Be careful, Derek. He'll try to get inside your head. 1036 00:59:26,145 --> 00:59:29,815 Don't worry. It's closed for business. 1037 00:59:37,407 --> 00:59:39,408 Give 'em hell, Derek. 1038 00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:54,965 (CACKLING) 1039 00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:57,050 MC HAMMER: You're goin' down, Zoolander! 1040 00:59:57,135 --> 00:59:58,468 You're goin' down, listen to me! 1041 00:59:58,553 --> 01:00:01,805 You better listen to the Hammer! Can't touch this! 1042 01:00:02,015 --> 01:00:05,851 No! No! Zoolander can't touch Mugatu! No! 1043 01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,562 SKIP TAYLOR: Shut up, Hammer! 1044 01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:12,691 Members Only. Members Only. 1045 01:00:13,526 --> 01:00:15,986 Epaulettes are not a crime. 1046 01:00:16,529 --> 01:00:19,531 Smart casual. Smart casual. 1047 01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:21,533 MC HAMMER: You can't touch him! 1048 01:00:21,826 --> 01:00:24,828 SKIP TAYLOR: Mr. Hammer is wrong! 1049 01:00:49,145 --> 01:00:52,064 Derek Zoolander. 1050 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,652 I've been expecting you. 1051 01:01:03,159 --> 01:01:05,243 What have you done with my son? 1052 01:01:06,371 --> 01:01:07,871 Hands. 1053 01:01:08,122 --> 01:01:10,582 Our most overrated appendage. 1054 01:01:11,751 --> 01:01:14,211 When not allowed the use of them, 1055 01:01:14,295 --> 01:01:15,629 you'd be surprised how quickly 1056 01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:18,382 feet can be trained to do the exact same thing. 1057 01:01:19,967 --> 01:01:21,426 (CLATTERING) 1058 01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:30,727 Your son is doing wonderfully. 1059 01:01:31,813 --> 01:01:35,315 From what the school tells my offshore accountant... 1060 01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,359 He's incredibly smart. 1061 01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:39,528 Your accountant? 1062 01:01:39,612 --> 01:01:42,489 Who do you think paid for that fancy orphanage? 1063 01:01:42,573 --> 01:01:43,740 When he was taken away from you, 1064 01:01:43,825 --> 01:01:46,743 someone had to make sure he got his eight square meals a day. 1065 01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:49,788 Eight? You bastard! 1066 01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:57,629 I'm sorry. I'd love to keep talking about this, 1067 01:01:57,880 --> 01:02:00,465 but I seem to have developed a nasty itch. 1068 01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:04,177 I'd ask you to scratch it for me, 1069 01:02:04,345 --> 01:02:07,806 but no doubt you'd think I was just trying to trick you. 1070 01:02:12,145 --> 01:02:15,814 Or you're trying to make me think I shouldn't help you. 1071 01:02:16,107 --> 01:02:21,737 In which case, I should do the opposite of that and help you. 1072 01:02:22,655 --> 01:02:24,573 Or don't help me. 1073 01:02:24,657 --> 01:02:26,783 I think that's even a better option. 1074 01:02:29,829 --> 01:02:32,956 You're trying to switch it around on me, but I won't take the bait. 1075 01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:35,208 Sorry, Mugatu. 1076 01:02:35,293 --> 01:02:36,877 I'm going with my first instinct. 1077 01:02:37,003 --> 01:02:38,253 And helping you. 1078 01:02:42,216 --> 01:02:43,884 I really wish you wouldn't. 1079 01:02:44,010 --> 01:02:46,845 Too late. The die is cast. 1080 01:02:46,929 --> 01:02:48,263 I'd prefer that you didn't. 1081 01:02:48,347 --> 01:02:49,556 I'm going to do it. 1082 01:02:49,640 --> 01:02:50,891 Please don't. 1083 01:02:52,769 --> 01:02:53,769 (SCREAMING) 1084 01:02:55,772 --> 01:02:57,564 (BOTH SCREAMING) 1085 01:02:59,525 --> 01:03:00,776 Let me go! 1086 01:03:01,319 --> 01:03:05,238 Not until you untie my straitjacket and put it on, okay? 1087 01:03:06,407 --> 01:03:08,575 If I do, will you let me go? 1088 01:03:09,410 --> 01:03:10,744 No! 1089 01:03:11,871 --> 01:03:13,955 Which means you will let me go. 1090 01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:15,499 So I'll do it. 1091 01:03:16,042 --> 01:03:17,292 Oh, my gosh. 1092 01:03:17,376 --> 01:03:18,543 Okay! 1093 01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:23,173 Check and mate, Mugatu. 1094 01:03:24,133 --> 01:03:25,634 Your move. 1095 01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:30,055 You really are an idiot, aren't you? 1096 01:03:30,515 --> 01:03:36,019 Like, super, super white hot, blazingly stupid. 1097 01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:40,941 For ten long years... 1098 01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:45,237 I've been plotting my escape from this dreadful place. 1099 01:03:45,363 --> 01:03:48,323 For ten long years. For ten long years. 1100 01:03:48,616 --> 01:03:53,411 Ten years spent creating some of the most realistic and lifelike masks... 1101 01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,413 ...ever made. 1102 01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:58,542 One for you. 1103 01:04:01,754 --> 01:04:03,588 And one for me. 1104 01:04:06,425 --> 01:04:07,551 All so that today... 1105 01:04:08,594 --> 01:04:10,971 ...you can become me! 1106 01:04:13,432 --> 01:04:15,267 And I can become... 1107 01:04:16,519 --> 01:04:17,686 ...you! 1108 01:04:23,776 --> 01:04:25,443 That's it? 1109 01:04:25,528 --> 01:04:27,237 You'll never get away with this. 1110 01:04:29,448 --> 01:04:32,158 MUGATU: All of the guards here are former male models. 1111 01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:34,786 Somehow I don't think it's gonna be a problem. 1112 01:04:34,912 --> 01:04:37,122 Guard! Guard! 1113 01:04:37,748 --> 01:04:39,833 GUARD: Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander? 1114 01:04:39,917 --> 01:04:41,418 That will be all. 1115 01:04:42,128 --> 01:04:43,461 DEREK: No! 1116 01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:45,130 DEREK: No! 1117 01:04:46,424 --> 01:04:48,383 Come back here, Mugatu! 1118 01:04:48,467 --> 01:04:49,885 Mugatu! 1119 01:05:18,998 --> 01:05:20,665 (HELICOPTER BLADE WHIRRING) 1120 01:05:30,593 --> 01:05:31,593 Go get Derek! 1121 01:05:31,677 --> 01:05:32,719 What? 1122 01:05:32,803 --> 01:05:34,095 Go get Derek! 1123 01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:36,431 And tell my orgy I love them! 1124 01:05:42,229 --> 01:05:43,355 Todd! 1125 01:05:45,566 --> 01:05:48,193 Where's my goddamn latte? 1126 01:05:55,409 --> 01:05:56,952 (SCREAMING) 1127 01:05:57,954 --> 01:05:59,788 (WHIMPERING) 1128 01:06:13,260 --> 01:06:16,262 Oh, and, um, here. 1129 01:06:18,724 --> 01:06:19,891 (SIGHS) 1130 01:06:20,726 --> 01:06:21,810 (SNARLING) 1131 01:06:21,894 --> 01:06:23,019 What's that? 1132 01:06:23,104 --> 01:06:24,312 I missed you, too. 1133 01:06:24,438 --> 01:06:25,647 (TODD WHIMPERS) 1134 01:07:07,273 --> 01:07:08,940 Alexanya! 1135 01:07:10,776 --> 01:07:12,027 Moo-Moo! 1136 01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:18,450 (BOTH GASPING) 1137 01:07:21,746 --> 01:07:23,455 (MOANING) 1138 01:07:26,667 --> 01:07:29,544 (BOTH SCREAMING) 1139 01:07:38,095 --> 01:07:39,262 ATARI: Alexanya! 1140 01:07:39,764 --> 01:07:41,556 Oh, no. Hey, sorry to interrupt. 1141 01:07:41,640 --> 01:07:42,849 What? (GIGGLES) 1142 01:07:43,601 --> 01:07:45,894 Don Atari, what are you doing here? 1143 01:07:45,978 --> 01:07:47,145 Don't you knuck? 1144 01:07:47,646 --> 01:07:51,316 Mugatu? What? No way, dude. 1145 01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:53,526 I thought you were supposed to be in jail, dude. 1146 01:07:53,903 --> 01:07:55,737 You're like some dangerous criminal 1147 01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:57,238 that tried to assassinate a world leader, dude. 1148 01:07:57,323 --> 01:08:00,241 That was some crazy retro-Bond shit. 1149 01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,243 So corny. I loved it. 1150 01:08:03,662 --> 01:08:05,330 Who are you? 1151 01:08:05,498 --> 01:08:09,000 Uh, hello! I know you been all Shawshanked out, 1152 01:08:09,168 --> 01:08:12,087 but, like, seriously, I'm the new stupid king of fashion, whatever. 1153 01:08:12,171 --> 01:08:13,546 Don Atari, baby. 1154 01:08:14,131 --> 01:08:15,465 What! 1155 01:08:15,966 --> 01:08:18,593 So you know who I am, right? 1156 01:08:19,303 --> 01:08:20,845 Derelicte was the dumbest, dude. 1157 01:08:20,930 --> 01:08:24,808 You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like, my biggest influences ever, dude. 1158 01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:26,768 And did you just escape from prison 1159 01:08:26,852 --> 01:08:28,770 in the most ingenious way possible? 1160 01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:31,439 Uh, what? 1161 01:08:31,732 --> 01:08:33,525 And did you engineer the abduction 1162 01:08:33,609 --> 01:08:35,527 and fattening of the son of Zoolander, 1163 01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:38,780 and delivery of the Chosen One for ritual sacrifice 1164 01:08:38,864 --> 01:08:40,949 as the key to the Fountain of Youth? 1165 01:08:41,367 --> 01:08:42,534 Did you? 1166 01:08:43,577 --> 01:08:45,370 Did you? Did you do that? 1167 01:08:45,454 --> 01:08:46,704 - Naw. - Naw? 1168 01:08:47,331 --> 01:08:48,414 Naw. 1169 01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:49,958 - Naw? - Naw. 1170 01:08:50,084 --> 01:08:51,292 Did you say "naw"? 1171 01:08:51,377 --> 01:08:54,295 I... I said... "naw". 1172 01:08:55,005 --> 01:08:58,174 So, I just want to ask you again. 1173 01:08:58,676 --> 01:09:02,554 Do you know 1174 01:09:03,222 --> 01:09:06,808 who I am? 1175 01:09:08,477 --> 01:09:09,811 Whatever, you're... 1176 01:09:10,896 --> 01:09:11,980 (STUTTERING) 1177 01:09:12,064 --> 01:09:13,731 I'm Jaca-boo-who? 1178 01:09:14,191 --> 01:09:15,441 Jacobim Mugatu. 1179 01:09:15,609 --> 01:09:16,818 That's right! 1180 01:09:16,902 --> 01:09:18,486 I'm Jacobim Mugatu! 1181 01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:20,321 Fashion genius. 1182 01:09:20,406 --> 01:09:21,739 And you... 1183 01:09:22,241 --> 01:09:24,033 You are no one! 1184 01:09:24,243 --> 01:09:25,743 Do you understand me? 1185 01:09:26,453 --> 01:09:27,787 No one! 1186 01:09:28,247 --> 01:09:30,248 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 1187 01:09:31,083 --> 01:09:33,251 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 1188 01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:35,587 Todd! 1189 01:09:40,176 --> 01:09:42,677 You'll take my name into death! 1190 01:09:43,053 --> 01:09:44,345 You should know, I actually care about everybody 1191 01:09:44,430 --> 01:09:45,763 and everything very truly... 1192 01:09:45,848 --> 01:09:47,390 - (GRUNTS) - (THUDS) 1193 01:09:47,558 --> 01:09:50,727 That's right! I just killed a little hipster! 1194 01:09:50,936 --> 01:09:52,103 Yeah! 1195 01:09:52,188 --> 01:09:54,272 Prison changed me deeply! 1196 01:09:54,690 --> 01:09:56,608 It affected me psychologically. 1197 01:09:56,692 --> 01:09:58,443 I'm a psycho! 1198 01:09:59,361 --> 01:10:02,280 This is just the beginning. Watch out! 1199 01:10:02,656 --> 01:10:04,657 Buyer beware! 1200 01:10:04,992 --> 01:10:07,577 Now where is that chubby little blood fountain? 1201 01:10:08,329 --> 01:10:10,121 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 1202 01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:11,664 Hansel! 1203 01:10:11,874 --> 01:10:13,833 (WHISPERING) Guys, Mugatz just killed Atari. 1204 01:10:14,084 --> 01:10:15,418 DEREK: Forserious? 1205 01:10:15,502 --> 01:10:17,545 Also, they're going to kill your son tonight. 1206 01:10:17,922 --> 01:10:19,255 What? 1207 01:10:19,590 --> 01:10:22,258 Hang on. I'm gonna try and get more intel. 1208 01:10:23,219 --> 01:10:24,385 (INHALES DEEPLY) 1209 01:10:31,477 --> 01:10:32,727 What's going on? 1210 01:10:32,811 --> 01:10:33,811 Why did you kidnap me? 1211 01:10:33,979 --> 01:10:36,731 I didn't kidnap you. Don't be a silly-billy. 1212 01:10:37,274 --> 01:10:41,486 I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown, that's what I am. 1213 01:10:42,404 --> 01:10:45,365 Who wants to massively increase your caloric intake. 1214 01:10:45,741 --> 01:10:46,741 Look. 1215 01:10:47,117 --> 01:10:48,284 Come here. 1216 01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:50,828 There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar. 1217 01:10:51,205 --> 01:10:52,205 (DISPENSING) 1218 01:10:52,873 --> 01:10:55,124 (CHUCKLES) Abbondanza! 1219 01:10:55,626 --> 01:10:59,170 Spicy hot pasta puttanesca. 1220 01:10:59,296 --> 01:11:01,172 Which means "whore's pasta"! 1221 01:11:01,382 --> 01:11:04,676 As in a whore, who made this pasta. 1222 01:11:06,553 --> 01:11:08,221 Doesn't that look delicious? 1223 01:11:08,430 --> 01:11:12,433 Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar. 1224 01:11:13,686 --> 01:11:15,436 - Squirt, piggy, squirt! - (OINKING) 1225 01:11:15,521 --> 01:11:17,438 Squirt it! Squirt! 1226 01:11:18,274 --> 01:11:20,441 (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) 1227 01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:26,322 All the lard you want! 1228 01:11:26,490 --> 01:11:28,866 Fill your little tummy full of lard! 1229 01:11:29,243 --> 01:11:30,493 Hansel, where is he now? 1230 01:11:30,577 --> 01:11:31,577 He's okay. 1231 01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,162 It's actually kind of nice. 1232 01:11:33,247 --> 01:11:34,497 Mugatu's hooked him up with some snacks. 1233 01:11:34,581 --> 01:11:37,959 He's got like a lard bar and some cheesecake and stuff. 1234 01:11:38,085 --> 01:11:39,419 Oh, and pasta, too. 1235 01:11:39,586 --> 01:11:40,712 No! 1236 01:11:40,879 --> 01:11:44,132 Oh, no. You're right. He's fattening him for the slaughter. 1237 01:11:44,508 --> 01:11:46,050 You can drop this stupid act. 1238 01:11:46,552 --> 01:11:49,595 I know who you are. You're Jacob Moogberg. 1239 01:11:49,888 --> 01:11:51,848 And you're supposed to be in jail. 1240 01:11:52,182 --> 01:11:56,477 Hey! Jacob Moogberg died the day I put ebony and ivory 1241 01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:57,937 on skinny satin neckwear! 1242 01:11:58,022 --> 01:11:59,188 You hear me? 1243 01:11:59,690 --> 01:12:01,691 Okay. I got to make my move. Later. 1244 01:12:01,900 --> 01:12:04,569 You listen to me, Biggie Smalls. 1245 01:12:04,695 --> 01:12:06,154 I went to prison! 1246 01:12:06,238 --> 01:12:09,032 You better scarf down that last bowl of whore pasta! 1247 01:12:09,283 --> 01:12:10,408 We roll in two! 1248 01:12:21,295 --> 01:12:22,962 You okay in there, little fella? 1249 01:12:23,255 --> 01:12:24,714 We should call the police boat! 1250 01:12:24,798 --> 01:12:26,382 They'll never get here in time. 1251 01:12:26,925 --> 01:12:29,761 Who says swimsuit models are useless? 1252 01:12:29,928 --> 01:12:31,262 Wait. What are you doing? 1253 01:12:31,764 --> 01:12:33,097 (INHALES IN SUCCESSION) 1254 01:12:33,223 --> 01:12:35,308 How long can you hold your breath? 1255 01:12:35,434 --> 01:12:37,769 - What? - Take me from behind, Derek. 1256 01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:40,688 And grab me like your life depends on it. 1257 01:12:41,774 --> 01:12:43,232 Not like this. 1258 01:12:43,359 --> 01:12:44,692 Like this! 1259 01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:47,111 For safety. And buoyancy. 1260 01:12:47,237 --> 01:12:48,363 Wait. What? 1261 01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:50,365 We are swimming back to Rome. 1262 01:12:50,449 --> 01:12:51,783 Oh, okay. 1263 01:12:52,451 --> 01:12:53,910 (VALENTINA GASPS) 1264 01:12:56,997 --> 01:12:58,456 I just talked to your dad. 1265 01:12:58,540 --> 01:13:00,291 And we've got to get you out of here pronto. 1266 01:13:00,834 --> 01:13:02,794 I never want to see him again. 1267 01:13:02,961 --> 01:13:04,962 What're you talking about? Your dad's a great guy. 1268 01:13:05,089 --> 01:13:06,756 He loves you like you're his own. 1269 01:13:07,007 --> 01:13:08,424 I am his own! 1270 01:13:08,634 --> 01:13:10,760 He's literally the worst father ever! 1271 01:13:11,387 --> 01:13:13,137 Do you know it would break your mom's heart 1272 01:13:13,222 --> 01:13:15,473 to hear you bugging out on your dad like this? 1273 01:13:16,350 --> 01:13:17,767 You knew my mom? 1274 01:13:18,435 --> 01:13:21,979 Oh, yeah. One of the most amazing women I ever met. 1275 01:13:22,689 --> 01:13:23,856 Really? 1276 01:13:24,149 --> 01:13:26,067 You didn't want to cross her in the sack. 1277 01:13:26,443 --> 01:13:29,904 Those hips of hers would put a love lock on you to beat the band. 1278 01:13:31,448 --> 01:13:32,865 Wait, what? 1279 01:13:32,991 --> 01:13:34,659 I remember there was one night, 1280 01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:38,663 she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. 1281 01:13:38,997 --> 01:13:40,373 I was driving the freight train, 1282 01:13:40,457 --> 01:13:42,417 your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose. 1283 01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:43,960 Oh... 1284 01:13:44,044 --> 01:13:45,837 She had a mouth like Chinese fingercuffs. 1285 01:13:45,921 --> 01:13:50,049 You know where you, like, try to pull it out but it just keeps getting tighter... 1286 01:13:50,134 --> 01:13:52,301 Stop it! God. 1287 01:13:52,428 --> 01:13:54,095 Look... I'm not going. 1288 01:13:54,221 --> 01:13:56,889 Well, Mugatu's planning to crack your chest open, 1289 01:13:57,015 --> 01:13:59,434 cut your heart out with a knife, and drink your blood! 1290 01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:00,560 What? 1291 01:14:00,644 --> 01:14:02,520 Here he comes. Everything's gonna be okay. 1292 01:14:03,981 --> 01:14:05,273 It's okay, it's okay. 1293 01:14:05,357 --> 01:14:07,191 (STUTTERS) I was exaggerating. 1294 01:14:14,950 --> 01:14:17,118 It's D-Day, little dumpling. 1295 01:14:21,206 --> 01:14:22,790 (WHIRRING) 1296 01:14:26,128 --> 01:14:27,336 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1297 01:14:27,421 --> 01:14:28,838 (BOTH COUGHING) 1298 01:14:29,047 --> 01:14:31,048 - (GASPS AND SWALLOWS) - (COUGHS) 1299 01:14:31,133 --> 01:14:32,717 - You're an amazing swimmer. - (PANTING) 1300 01:14:36,763 --> 01:14:38,806 (MUFFLED) Why are you doing this? 1301 01:14:38,891 --> 01:14:41,225 Don't talk with your mouth full. 1302 01:14:44,813 --> 01:14:46,606 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 1303 01:15:23,810 --> 01:15:25,770 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 1304 01:15:26,188 --> 01:15:27,647 It's soaking wet! It's ruined! 1305 01:15:27,731 --> 01:15:28,898 How are we gonna reach Hansel? 1306 01:15:28,982 --> 01:15:29,982 We need a phone. 1307 01:15:30,067 --> 01:15:31,234 Wait a minute. 1308 01:15:33,362 --> 01:15:34,904 (GRUNTS AND PANTS) 1309 01:15:35,322 --> 01:15:36,822 Like this one? 1310 01:15:38,617 --> 01:15:39,659 (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) 1311 01:15:44,915 --> 01:15:46,040 (WHISPERS) Derek. 1312 01:15:46,124 --> 01:15:47,208 Hansel, where are you? 1313 01:15:47,292 --> 01:15:48,334 I don't know. Some kind of tunnel. 1314 01:15:48,418 --> 01:15:50,586 I think we're underneath the IncrediBall. 1315 01:15:50,671 --> 01:15:52,630 It smells like the ruins of an ancient bathhouse. 1316 01:15:52,965 --> 01:15:54,465 It's at the Caracalla Baths. 1317 01:15:54,758 --> 01:15:55,967 I'll drop a pin or a needle or whatever 1318 01:15:56,051 --> 01:15:57,260 and you can track my coordinates. 1319 01:15:57,636 --> 01:15:58,678 Cool. 1320 01:15:58,762 --> 01:16:00,888 They'll never let us in looking like this. 1321 01:16:06,019 --> 01:16:07,645 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 1322 01:16:07,729 --> 01:16:09,814 Interpol Fashion Division! 1323 01:16:10,065 --> 01:16:12,191 We need your vehicle and your clothes. Now! 1324 01:16:24,329 --> 01:16:26,789 (PEOPLE TALKING AND LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY) 1325 01:16:28,250 --> 01:16:30,251 (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 1326 01:16:44,182 --> 01:16:47,518 Why is Anna Wintour walking away from the red carpet? 1327 01:17:04,911 --> 01:17:06,912 (WHISPERING) We have to get in there. 1328 01:17:07,873 --> 01:17:11,208 Every bathhouse I've ever worked at always had a rear entrance. 1329 01:17:11,376 --> 01:17:13,544 I'm sure this one's no different. Come on. 1330 01:17:21,470 --> 01:17:22,803 This is definitely it. 1331 01:17:23,555 --> 01:17:24,972 If I feel around here long enough, 1332 01:17:25,057 --> 01:17:27,391 I should be able to find the hole... 1333 01:17:27,768 --> 01:17:29,060 (GRINDING) 1334 01:17:36,568 --> 01:17:37,902 - (PANTING) - (CLATTERS) 1335 01:17:39,029 --> 01:17:40,196 Derek! 1336 01:17:41,031 --> 01:17:42,198 Hansel! 1337 01:17:43,367 --> 01:17:45,159 Boy, am I glad to see you guys. 1338 01:17:45,285 --> 01:17:47,745 Hansel, my son is going to die hating me. 1339 01:17:48,205 --> 01:17:49,914 Hating you? The last time I saw him, 1340 01:17:49,998 --> 01:17:51,666 he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves you. 1341 01:17:51,750 --> 01:17:52,833 - Really? - Yes. 1342 01:17:52,918 --> 01:17:53,959 He said that? 1343 01:17:54,044 --> 01:17:55,753 Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing, 1344 01:17:55,837 --> 01:17:57,421 and you had to read between the lines, 1345 01:17:57,506 --> 01:17:59,006 but, basically. 1346 01:17:59,091 --> 01:18:01,092 Shut up! Can we talk about this later? 1347 01:18:01,176 --> 01:18:02,635 HANSEL: Yeah, come on. Let's go! 1348 01:18:02,761 --> 01:18:03,761 This way. 1349 01:18:26,493 --> 01:18:28,119 (WHISPERING) That's Alexander Wang. 1350 01:18:28,203 --> 01:18:29,870 And Vera Wang. 1351 01:18:30,330 --> 01:18:31,997 BOTH: Both Wangs. 1352 01:18:33,792 --> 01:18:35,459 DEREK: Marc Jacobs. 1353 01:18:36,002 --> 01:18:37,670 Tommy Hilfiger. 1354 01:18:37,879 --> 01:18:40,464 VALENTINA: They are all here for the sacrifice. 1355 01:18:42,801 --> 01:18:44,135 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 1356 01:18:57,149 --> 01:18:59,817 MUGATU: In the beginning of time, 1357 01:19:00,026 --> 01:19:04,321 God created Adam and Eve... 1358 01:19:04,448 --> 01:19:06,782 ...and Steve! 1359 01:19:07,784 --> 01:19:09,452 ALL: (CHANTING) Mugatu! 1360 01:19:09,911 --> 01:19:11,579 Mugatu! 1361 01:19:12,205 --> 01:19:13,873 Mugatu! 1362 01:19:14,124 --> 01:19:15,750 Mugatu! 1363 01:19:16,168 --> 01:19:17,418 Mugatu! 1364 01:19:17,502 --> 01:19:18,627 (CLANGING) 1365 01:19:18,754 --> 01:19:19,879 (CHANTING CONTINUES) 1366 01:19:30,515 --> 01:19:32,600 - (WHIMPERS) - (ALL CHEERING) 1367 01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:35,019 - D.J. - Wait. 1368 01:19:35,103 --> 01:19:36,645 We don't have backup yet. 1369 01:19:40,066 --> 01:19:43,527 - Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us... - (DEREK JR WHIMPERS) 1370 01:19:43,612 --> 01:19:44,945 ...the Choosen Why-yun. 1371 01:19:45,405 --> 01:19:46,947 (ALL CHEERING) 1372 01:19:48,116 --> 01:19:50,117 And behold, 1373 01:19:50,243 --> 01:19:52,369 God expunged Steve from the Garden, 1374 01:19:52,454 --> 01:19:54,830 only to redeem us with eternal youth... 1375 01:19:54,915 --> 01:19:55,915 No. 1376 01:19:55,999 --> 01:19:59,210 ...bathed in the blood of the fat little Chosen One! 1377 01:19:59,503 --> 01:20:00,669 (SCREAMS) 1378 01:20:00,837 --> 01:20:02,129 - Derek! - Derek, don't. 1379 01:20:02,214 --> 01:20:03,214 No! 1380 01:20:03,757 --> 01:20:05,216 - (GASPS) - (DEREK GRUNTS) 1381 01:20:05,592 --> 01:20:07,426 (SCREAMS AND GROANS) 1382 01:20:10,347 --> 01:20:12,389 I don't care if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr. 1383 01:20:12,474 --> 01:20:13,599 I love you. 1384 01:20:13,725 --> 01:20:16,227 Look, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, 1385 01:20:16,311 --> 01:20:18,020 but you are by far the best one. 1386 01:20:18,104 --> 01:20:19,438 I was a mistake? 1387 01:20:19,564 --> 01:20:20,523 I think so. 1388 01:20:20,607 --> 01:20:22,817 To tell you the truth, we were having so much sex, I can't remember. 1389 01:20:22,901 --> 01:20:24,735 Tell me about it, muchacho. 1390 01:20:24,903 --> 01:20:25,903 Ugh! 1391 01:20:25,987 --> 01:20:29,573 You're beautiful. You have the fire. You just need to believe it. 1392 01:20:29,741 --> 01:20:30,783 The fire? 1393 01:20:30,867 --> 01:20:32,326 The fire in your face. 1394 01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:35,120 I lost it the day I killed your mom. 1395 01:20:35,622 --> 01:20:39,291 Oh, look. It's a sad, scared little boy 1396 01:20:39,376 --> 01:20:42,795 talking to his fat son about their feelings. 1397 01:20:43,755 --> 01:20:45,756 You are responsible for all this! 1398 01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:48,175 You lured me to Italy so you could escape from prison. 1399 01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:50,928 You made Don Atari and Alexanya hire me to set this trap. 1400 01:20:51,471 --> 01:20:52,721 But enough is enough! 1401 01:20:53,181 --> 01:20:54,640 Enough is enough! 1402 01:20:54,766 --> 01:20:56,517 Eat my blade, Junior! 1403 01:20:56,935 --> 01:20:59,353 Time to die, Chubby Checker! 1404 01:21:03,400 --> 01:21:04,775 Magnum, buddy. Now. 1405 01:21:06,695 --> 01:21:08,112 I can do this. 1406 01:21:16,538 --> 01:21:18,122 (SCREAMS) 1407 01:21:20,166 --> 01:21:21,166 Oh. 1408 01:21:22,335 --> 01:21:24,670 That did not work at all. 1409 01:21:24,963 --> 01:21:26,046 (GROANS) 1410 01:21:26,256 --> 01:21:28,591 It just doesn't hold up, does it? 1411 01:21:28,967 --> 01:21:30,968 You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek, 1412 01:21:31,052 --> 01:21:34,388 but failed to de-sleuth the most important piece of the puzzle. 1413 01:21:34,472 --> 01:21:36,307 I owned the construction company 1414 01:21:36,391 --> 01:21:38,893 that built the Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. 1415 01:21:40,770 --> 01:21:42,980 I personally made sure they cut corners. 1416 01:21:43,148 --> 01:21:44,315 Literally! 1417 01:21:44,774 --> 01:21:45,900 (GROANS) 1418 01:21:45,984 --> 01:21:46,942 But that means that... 1419 01:21:47,027 --> 01:21:50,446 That's right, JuJu Bean. That's How I Killed Your Mother! 1420 01:21:51,281 --> 01:21:54,742 On CBS, right after Two Broke Girls. 1421 01:21:55,452 --> 01:21:57,077 Dad, it wasn't you! 1422 01:21:57,162 --> 01:21:58,287 It wasn't... 1423 01:21:58,496 --> 01:22:01,332 Wait. You called me "Dad". 1424 01:22:01,958 --> 01:22:03,542 Oh, I guess I did. 1425 01:22:04,210 --> 01:22:06,253 Now you don't have the ceremonial knife! 1426 01:22:06,338 --> 01:22:08,923 Which means, no Fountain of Youth! 1427 01:22:09,507 --> 01:22:11,884 Come on, Derek! We need the blood! 1428 01:22:12,260 --> 01:22:14,345 Stop being so emotional, Derek. 1429 01:22:14,429 --> 01:22:16,305 Just give him the goddamn knife. 1430 01:22:16,514 --> 01:22:18,223 Derek, we need the blood! 1431 01:22:18,308 --> 01:22:21,018 (CHANTING) Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1432 01:22:21,102 --> 01:22:24,271 ALL: Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1433 01:22:24,648 --> 01:22:27,399 Blood of Steve! Give him back the knife, Derek. 1434 01:22:27,651 --> 01:22:29,568 ALL: Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1435 01:22:30,153 --> 01:22:31,737 (SPEAKING ITALIAN) 1436 01:22:32,364 --> 01:22:34,531 Shut up, Valentino! 1437 01:22:35,367 --> 01:22:37,952 Just shut up! Everyone shut up! 1438 01:22:38,036 --> 01:22:40,537 There is no Fountain of Youth! 1439 01:22:41,247 --> 01:22:42,331 What? 1440 01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:46,460 I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve? 1441 01:22:46,544 --> 01:22:49,296 Are you serious? You actually believed that crap? 1442 01:22:49,798 --> 01:22:50,965 What? 1443 01:22:51,341 --> 01:22:55,135 It's literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard! 1444 01:22:55,470 --> 01:22:59,431 I get it ifAIexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on! 1445 01:22:59,557 --> 01:23:00,683 Oh, please. 1446 01:23:00,767 --> 01:23:03,811 Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse. 1447 01:23:04,145 --> 01:23:06,730 Oh, look, it's the White Witch from Narnia! 1448 01:23:08,233 --> 01:23:10,651 Oh, no, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour. 1449 01:23:10,735 --> 01:23:11,944 I'll knock your teeth out! 1450 01:23:12,070 --> 01:23:14,321 I'll rip your goddamn tongue out! 1451 01:23:14,531 --> 01:23:16,824 Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger. 1452 01:23:16,908 --> 01:23:18,450 Brought to you by white privilege! 1453 01:23:18,952 --> 01:23:21,662 You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life! 1454 01:23:22,038 --> 01:23:23,414 Asshole. 1455 01:23:23,498 --> 01:23:25,958 MARC JACOBS: I don't understand. You're saying the legend isn't true? 1456 01:23:26,126 --> 01:23:28,377 Why are you doing all of this, then? 1457 01:23:28,628 --> 01:23:31,463 Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs... 1458 01:23:32,424 --> 01:23:35,092 ...I knew there'd only be one thing that would gather 1459 01:23:35,176 --> 01:23:40,681 the entire idiotic fashion world into one place with no exit! 1460 01:23:40,765 --> 01:23:42,057 Todd! Doors! 1461 01:23:43,184 --> 01:23:45,227 (WHIRRING AND CLANGING) 1462 01:23:47,147 --> 01:23:48,522 Todd! Silks! 1463 01:23:48,606 --> 01:23:49,648 (WHIRRS) 1464 01:23:52,110 --> 01:23:53,110 Huh? 1465 01:23:53,778 --> 01:23:58,115 For years you all left me to die in a stinking cell! 1466 01:23:58,283 --> 01:24:00,784 Well, now it's my turn! 1467 01:24:04,539 --> 01:24:06,457 I was living a peaceful life of reclusion. 1468 01:24:07,250 --> 01:24:08,792 Why drag me into this? 1469 01:24:09,127 --> 01:24:10,210 (GRUNTS) 1470 01:24:10,295 --> 01:24:12,421 Because my big issue is... 1471 01:24:12,505 --> 01:24:15,591 ...I hate you, Derek Zoolander! 1472 01:24:17,135 --> 01:24:19,136 Then why kill all those pop stars? 1473 01:24:19,220 --> 01:24:20,804 Why kill Justin Bieber? 1474 01:24:21,723 --> 01:24:25,309 Really? You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber? 1475 01:24:29,481 --> 01:24:30,814 Todd! Pooch! 1476 01:24:35,403 --> 01:24:36,403 (WHIRRING) 1477 01:24:38,239 --> 01:24:39,364 It's a bomb! 1478 01:24:39,657 --> 01:24:41,325 MUGATU: Not just any bomb. 1479 01:24:41,493 --> 01:24:44,745 A device, designed by Philippe Starck 1480 01:24:44,829 --> 01:24:46,663 in collaboration with Al-Qaeda 1481 01:24:46,790 --> 01:24:49,500 for their new spring explosive collection. 1482 01:24:49,918 --> 01:24:51,752 Todd! Floor! 1483 01:24:54,839 --> 01:24:57,841 When I throw this into this ancient pool of lava, 1484 01:24:58,009 --> 01:25:00,427 it will overflow, killing everyone in fashion. 1485 01:25:01,471 --> 01:25:03,138 Leaving only me. 1486 01:25:03,515 --> 01:25:04,932 You can't kill fashion! 1487 01:25:05,016 --> 01:25:07,434 I'm afraid fashion already killed itself. 1488 01:25:08,394 --> 01:25:11,063 Mugatu! I'm coming across! 1489 01:25:13,525 --> 01:25:14,691 HANSEL: Derek! 1490 01:25:15,235 --> 01:25:17,694 Heat is a temporal construct of the mind. 1491 01:25:17,779 --> 01:25:18,779 Yes. 1492 01:25:18,905 --> 01:25:20,906 It doesn't exist. 1493 01:25:23,910 --> 01:25:24,910 - (SCREAMING) - Whoa! 1494 01:25:24,994 --> 01:25:27,579 It's so hot! It's hot! 1495 01:25:28,289 --> 01:25:29,289 (SCREAMING) 1496 01:25:29,499 --> 01:25:30,499 (GROANS) 1497 01:25:30,583 --> 01:25:31,792 (SCREAMS) 1498 01:25:32,544 --> 01:25:33,544 (GASPS) 1499 01:25:33,795 --> 01:25:34,795 Jesus! 1500 01:25:34,879 --> 01:25:36,713 Stop it, Hansel! Stop it! 1501 01:25:37,006 --> 01:25:38,090 (SCREAMING) 1502 01:25:38,383 --> 01:25:39,842 Derek, toss me the knife. 1503 01:25:40,051 --> 01:25:41,218 You got it! 1504 01:25:42,595 --> 01:25:45,222 (SCREAMING) 1505 01:25:45,723 --> 01:25:47,850 (BOTH GROANING) 1506 01:25:48,893 --> 01:25:49,977 Sorry. 1507 01:25:50,228 --> 01:25:51,687 (BOTH GROANING) 1508 01:25:52,313 --> 01:25:53,689 So stupid. 1509 01:25:53,940 --> 01:25:56,733 - What the hell is your problem? - (SCREAMS) 1510 01:25:56,901 --> 01:25:59,236 You guys are the absolute worst. 1511 01:25:59,445 --> 01:26:01,113 Put the bomb down, Mugatu! 1512 01:26:02,657 --> 01:26:06,160 Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy model trying to take me down. 1513 01:26:06,244 --> 01:26:07,369 Swimsuit model! 1514 01:26:07,453 --> 01:26:10,664 Sports lllustrated cover, three years in a row! 1515 01:26:10,748 --> 01:26:11,957 (SHRIEKING) 1516 01:26:13,376 --> 01:26:14,376 Ah! 1517 01:26:14,752 --> 01:26:15,752 (GRUNTING) 1518 01:26:16,713 --> 01:26:18,172 (SCREAMS) 1519 01:26:20,008 --> 01:26:21,008 (GROANS) 1520 01:26:28,975 --> 01:26:30,017 Katinka... 1521 01:26:30,101 --> 01:26:31,435 ...Ingaborgovinanananana! 1522 01:26:32,103 --> 01:26:33,770 - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 1523 01:26:34,647 --> 01:26:37,774 Game on, my sexy sister. 1524 01:26:39,736 --> 01:26:40,903 (KATINKA LAUGHS) 1525 01:26:41,196 --> 01:26:42,196 (GRUNTS) 1526 01:26:42,780 --> 01:26:44,156 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1527 01:26:45,909 --> 01:26:48,076 Look! They're sexy fighting! 1528 01:26:50,163 --> 01:26:52,289 (BOTH MOANING) 1529 01:26:52,624 --> 01:26:53,957 (LATEX SQUEAKING) 1530 01:26:59,631 --> 01:27:01,423 Awesome. 1531 01:27:02,592 --> 01:27:04,009 (BOTH MOANING) 1532 01:27:04,302 --> 01:27:06,136 Tommy likee. 1533 01:27:06,262 --> 01:27:08,180 (MOANING CONTINUES) 1534 01:27:09,224 --> 01:27:12,059 Hey, idiots! Maybe this will get your attention! 1535 01:27:12,143 --> 01:27:14,603 I've got a bomb in my hand and it's armed! 1536 01:27:14,812 --> 01:27:16,355 - (BEEPING) - (BOTH GASPING) 1537 01:27:20,568 --> 01:27:22,361 Derek, now! Magnum! Do it! 1538 01:27:22,445 --> 01:27:24,154 Fly, baby, fly! 1539 01:27:25,657 --> 01:27:26,990 Bust it out! 1540 01:27:34,666 --> 01:27:36,333 Yes! I knew it. 1541 01:27:40,838 --> 01:27:41,838 (GASPS) 1542 01:27:42,006 --> 01:27:43,423 (CHUCKLES) 1543 01:27:48,346 --> 01:27:50,013 Hansel, I need your help. 1544 01:27:50,556 --> 01:27:51,723 Here, let me try! 1545 01:27:51,933 --> 01:27:52,933 (INHALES DEEPLY) 1546 01:27:54,143 --> 01:27:57,104 It's not working! Derek, it's not working! 1547 01:27:57,355 --> 01:27:59,856 I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it! 1548 01:28:00,024 --> 01:28:02,359 You've got your son! I've got nothing. 1549 01:28:03,486 --> 01:28:04,528 (EXHALES) 1550 01:28:04,612 --> 01:28:05,988 Not anymore, Hansel. 1551 01:28:07,532 --> 01:28:08,824 Who's your daddy now? 1552 01:28:09,242 --> 01:28:11,326 I don't know who my daddy is! 1553 01:28:11,411 --> 01:28:12,744 That's the whole point! 1554 01:28:12,954 --> 01:28:14,788 - Hansel. - What? 1555 01:28:16,666 --> 01:28:18,333 I am your father. 1556 01:28:19,627 --> 01:28:21,753 Holy shit. Sting? 1557 01:28:21,838 --> 01:28:23,380 Let's do this now. 1558 01:28:23,923 --> 01:28:25,590 Synchronicity. 1559 01:28:44,235 --> 01:28:47,571 Nice try, but that looks about as powerful as your fat son's... 1560 01:28:47,739 --> 01:28:49,906 I'm not fat! 1561 01:28:51,492 --> 01:28:53,660 He's plus size. 1562 01:28:55,204 --> 01:28:56,955 And I've got the fire. 1563 01:29:02,837 --> 01:29:05,839 El Niño! It's real. 1564 01:29:08,760 --> 01:29:10,927 It's so beautiful. 1565 01:29:12,013 --> 01:29:13,597 Bellissima. 1566 01:29:18,978 --> 01:29:20,979 The prophecy was true. 1567 01:29:22,732 --> 01:29:24,900 He is the Chosen One. 1568 01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:28,362 (GRUNTING) 1569 01:29:29,489 --> 01:29:30,489 (GASPING) 1570 01:29:31,616 --> 01:29:35,952 Hansel. He's still so hot right now. 1571 01:29:36,120 --> 01:29:37,120 (EXPLOSION) 1572 01:29:46,172 --> 01:29:49,341 No way! It's a glitter bomb! 1573 01:29:59,977 --> 01:30:00,977 (LAUGHING) 1574 01:30:02,271 --> 01:30:03,647 Looks like you still have it. 1575 01:30:03,981 --> 01:30:05,065 I guess I do. 1576 01:30:05,149 --> 01:30:07,401 - Well, we do. - Mmm. 1577 01:30:09,153 --> 01:30:10,153 Ah! 1578 01:30:11,572 --> 01:30:12,614 Your face! 1579 01:30:12,990 --> 01:30:14,408 How bad is it? 1580 01:30:14,909 --> 01:30:16,743 Welcome to my world, bro. 1581 01:30:16,994 --> 01:30:18,578 - NATALKA: Hansel! - MAN: Hansel! 1582 01:30:18,663 --> 01:30:20,539 - Orgy! - Hansel! 1583 01:30:21,165 --> 01:30:22,874 (TALKING INDISTINCTLY) 1584 01:30:24,335 --> 01:30:26,378 What are they doing here? 1585 01:30:26,546 --> 01:30:28,338 I knew how much they meant to you, 1586 01:30:28,464 --> 01:30:30,257 so I called them on the way over. 1587 01:30:30,341 --> 01:30:31,842 You did that for me? 1588 01:30:32,385 --> 01:30:36,388 You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Derek Zoolander. 1589 01:30:37,765 --> 01:30:39,224 (ALL CHEERING) 1590 01:30:40,268 --> 01:30:42,727 You look so beautiful. Oh. 1591 01:30:43,438 --> 01:30:44,771 We missed you so much. 1592 01:30:44,856 --> 01:30:46,273 And I've missed you, too. 1593 01:30:46,357 --> 01:30:49,359 And I'm ready to be a father. To all our children. 1594 01:30:51,279 --> 01:30:52,946 Minus one. 1595 01:30:54,490 --> 01:30:55,490 What? 1596 01:30:55,950 --> 01:30:57,617 I lost my baby. 1597 01:30:58,161 --> 01:30:59,327 No. 1598 01:30:59,787 --> 01:31:02,789 I guess kicking the door down wasn't such a good idea. 1599 01:31:03,791 --> 01:31:06,460 We're going to be a family, that's all that matters. 1600 01:31:06,878 --> 01:31:07,878 (LAUGHING) 1601 01:31:14,510 --> 01:31:17,262 Wait. Are you sure? 1602 01:31:17,972 --> 01:31:20,474 You're right. We shouldn't. 1603 01:31:21,684 --> 01:31:26,021 Hey. It's okay, Dad. I don't think Mom would mind. 1604 01:31:33,237 --> 01:31:34,404 Matilda. 1605 01:31:35,156 --> 01:31:36,698 Go to her, Derek. 1606 01:31:37,575 --> 01:31:38,992 You're cool with it? 1607 01:31:39,160 --> 01:31:41,161 I'm totally cool with it. 1608 01:31:41,412 --> 01:31:42,662 I'm dead. 1609 01:31:42,747 --> 01:31:45,081 Literally nothing bothers me anymore. 1610 01:31:46,209 --> 01:31:47,250 MATILDA: Oh, and guess what? 1611 01:31:47,335 --> 01:31:49,002 Mugatu live-streamed all of this 1612 01:31:49,086 --> 01:31:51,171 to every fashion blog on the planet. 1613 01:31:51,589 --> 01:31:53,840 Everybody loves you guys again. 1614 01:31:54,342 --> 01:31:55,425 Did you hear that? 1615 01:31:55,510 --> 01:31:57,385 We did it. We're back. 1616 01:31:57,470 --> 01:31:59,930 And famous. And totally self-realized. 1617 01:32:00,473 --> 01:32:02,265 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1618 01:32:02,934 --> 01:32:04,267 If you're thinking... 1619 01:32:04,435 --> 01:32:06,937 BOTH: Lava pool party! 1620 01:32:08,773 --> 01:32:10,315 BOTH: No! 1621 01:32:13,778 --> 01:32:14,819 They're back! 1622 01:32:14,904 --> 01:32:17,072 After six weeks in the burn ward, 1623 01:32:17,156 --> 01:32:19,324 their disgusting facial scars healed 1624 01:32:19,408 --> 01:32:21,701 by a miraculous hot lava treatment 1625 01:32:21,786 --> 01:32:24,996 Derek Zoolander and Hansel owning the runway once again 1626 01:32:25,122 --> 01:32:27,707 after exposing fashion's top designers 1627 01:32:27,792 --> 01:32:30,418 in yet another human sacrifice scandal. 1628 01:32:30,503 --> 01:32:34,506 This time with the aid of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia, 1629 01:32:34,590 --> 01:32:36,466 now Zoolander's wife. 1630 01:32:37,009 --> 01:32:38,468 The two recently broke ground 1631 01:32:38,553 --> 01:32:40,929 for the Valentina Valencia Center For Swimsuit Models 1632 01:32:41,013 --> 01:32:42,389 Who Want To Be Taken Seriously 1633 01:32:42,473 --> 01:32:45,141 And Maybe Transition Into Law Enforcement Too. 1634 01:32:45,226 --> 01:32:48,979 Hansel, definitely back and fully self-realized. 1635 01:32:49,063 --> 01:32:51,773 Now a model parent. And father of ten. 1636 01:32:51,857 --> 01:32:53,775 As crowds at Paris Fashion Week 1637 01:32:53,859 --> 01:32:56,361 go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr., 1638 01:32:56,445 --> 01:32:58,947 the world's hottest plus size model-slash- 1639 01:32:59,031 --> 01:33:00,407 National Book Award winner- 1640 01:33:00,491 --> 01:33:03,618 slash-one-half of celebrity couple Zoolala. 1641 01:33:03,703 --> 01:33:06,079 MALE NEWSCASTER: Yes, these three are totally on fleek... 1642 01:33:06,372 --> 01:33:09,332 Redefining what it means to be really, really, 1643 01:33:09,500 --> 01:33:12,002 ridiculously good-looking. 1644 01:33:13,337 --> 01:33:14,921 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 1645 01:33:15,881 --> 01:33:17,382 Pumped up with the sex appeal 1646 01:33:17,508 --> 01:33:19,134 'Bout to cop another feel Then I foot the bill 1647 01:33:19,218 --> 01:33:20,969 I got bang bang with the looks that kill 1648 01:33:21,053 --> 01:33:22,846 Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steel 1649 01:33:22,930 --> 01:33:24,764 Trying to take a ride in the cool mobile 1650 01:33:24,890 --> 01:33:26,766 You wanna keep me on the line 'Cause my culo real 1651 01:33:26,934 --> 01:33:28,727 Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chill 1652 01:33:28,853 --> 01:33:30,895 My pockets so fat, got a sumo deal 1653 01:33:31,022 --> 01:33:32,522 I'm a star, so the camera flicker 1654 01:33:32,607 --> 01:33:34,691 Look at her go, blame it on the liquor 1655 01:33:34,775 --> 01:33:36,234 Doing it big, my selfie two figures 1656 01:33:36,360 --> 01:33:38,194 Could give it up, but I ain't a quitter 1657 01:33:38,279 --> 01:33:41,906 Ooh, I be flyer than you World domination, I'm so Mugatu 1658 01:33:42,033 --> 01:33:43,867 Yes, I be smashin', plenty of fashion 1659 01:33:43,951 --> 01:33:46,036 Doing my anthem, Now give 'em the Magnum 1660 01:33:46,120 --> 01:33:49,080 Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it 1661 01:33:49,165 --> 01:33:51,082 Relax, don't do it 1662 01:33:53,085 --> 01:33:56,630 Relax, don't do it When we got the club moving 1663 01:33:56,714 --> 01:33:58,590 Relax, don't do it 1664 01:33:58,716 --> 01:34:02,552 When you wanna come 1665 01:34:16,025 --> 01:34:19,778 Pack it up, old lames You just irrelevant to us 1666 01:34:19,862 --> 01:34:23,531 Old as the presidents Your style is like the republican twos 1667 01:34:23,616 --> 01:34:26,743 That's a definite Give grief to all your relatives 1668 01:34:26,827 --> 01:34:30,246 And next of kin and Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit 1669 01:34:30,456 --> 01:34:33,249 When I say ancient relics, Hansel and Derek, 1670 01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:34,751 I'm handsome, you jealous 1671 01:34:34,835 --> 01:34:39,255 I can tell it from your facial expressions Or I take it, you smell it 1672 01:34:39,423 --> 01:34:44,969 I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella suggested Valentino for the party 1673 01:34:45,596 --> 01:34:48,973 Shoot it in the right direction 1674 01:34:49,225 --> 01:34:52,477 Make it your intention 1675 01:34:53,270 --> 01:34:54,771 Live those dreams 1676 01:34:54,939 --> 01:34:56,481 Scheme those schemes 1677 01:34:57,024 --> 01:34:58,817 You gotta hit me 1678 01:34:58,901 --> 01:35:00,944 Hit me with those laser beams 1679 01:35:01,028 --> 01:35:04,239 Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it 1680 01:35:04,323 --> 01:35:07,826 Relax, don't do it When you wanna come 1681 01:35:08,077 --> 01:35:09,869 Relax, don't do it 1682 01:35:09,995 --> 01:35:11,746 When we got the club moving 1683 01:35:11,831 --> 01:35:13,540 Relax, don't do it 1684 01:35:13,624 --> 01:35:16,960 When you wanna come 1685 01:35:18,754 --> 01:35:21,798 When you wanna come 1686 01:35:30,516 --> 01:35:31,975 Relax