So many sounds don't bother you
Mail through the slot
The clock's cuckoo
Gunshot sounds that come from the TV
Then there's the sound that gets you all worked up
Start wagging tails and just freak out
'Cause remember that you're always safe with me
'Cause it's the doorbell It's just the doorbell
And all your barking is becoming a pain in my ass
It's just the doorbell, the freaking doorbell
But it's probably just your owner Or the nice guy that comes to read the gas
Good job, guys. I'm seeing improvement.
Hi. I was wondering where Miss Hope Rope-a-Dope was.
Sorry she's late.
Jimmy was moving according to coffee-pot time,
which is usually 10 minutes fast,
but it crapped out in the middle of the night,
so we're all kind of on microwave time today.
Gotcha.
Hey, what happened to your dead tooth?
I got rid of it. I thought it made me unique,
but then I saw this hilarious episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia,
and there was this girl with a dead tooth. Crazy, right?
And everyone was always making fun of her,
so before anyone made fun of me, I figured I'd get it fixed.
Hmm.
- The other kids not here yet? - No, Hope's the only kid left.
Jessie and Phoebe moved on to real school,
and Jenny's mother's trying the whole stay-at-home-mom thing
now that they got her medications sorted out.
What about the old people you were watching?
Dead. Waiting on a new batch to come in.
Hope's not afraid to get in there and mix it up, though.
I'm telling you, Jimmy, it's a great day care and everything,
but she can't grow up only around dogs.
How embarrassed are you gonna be at Sunday school
when she starts humping the minister's leg?
I appreciate your concern,
and I do wish Hope had some other kids there,
but for now, I'm sure she's fine.
Did your baby just bark?
No, maybe she burped.
Hiccup?
Okay, she barked.
What does this button do?
Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Is that another brochure about joining the Air Force?
No, it's a brochure for a private preschool one of my client's kids goes to, Marcy.
Good kid, smart.
She reads the tabloids to me while I'm cleaning.
We can't afford this place.
Go to the page with the black kid.
Yeah, it looks like they have a great computer center.
No, not the picture of the black kid with glasses.
The one where he's high-fiving the Mexican girl.
Ah, they have scholarships. Cool.
But these are for poor people.
What do you think we are?
I don't know. Like, lower-lower-lower middle class?
I'm gonna take these to the bottle return place.
It's like a tunnel.
He does all that for $1.90, and you think we're not poor?
Check out all those fancy guys who went here.
Those are the Presidents of the United States.
- I remember that guy. - So handsome.
Check it out. There's one named Grover.
Grover.
All right, everybody, these applications are due in two weeks.
Unfortunately, we only have enough grant money to cover one poor student.
We are totally winning this.
There's no way these people are poorer than us.
Okay, does anybody have any questions?
I do. I was wondering. I had seen on the Neighborhood Watch website
that there was a sex offender living not far from the school.
What's a Neighborhood Watch website?
It's a website that tells you
where the people who've been convicted of sexual-related crimes live.
There's a blue dot over their house.
Oh, we use the computer at the library since we can't afford our own.
No, we forced that person out.
Now the closest blue dot is way, way, way over on the other side of town
by the dangerous mall in Lacy Park.
- We live in Lacy Park. - By the dangerous mall.
We're so poor, we live by the dangerous mall.
I'll kill him.
I'll strangle him with his own perverted sexual-offending hands!
How do you know it's a him?
I bet it's that woman who lives up the street whose bushes look like wieners.
No one sees that but you, Mom.
There it is, the blue dot.
They live really close to us.
On our block.
In our house!
Huh.
It's obviously a mistake.
It says here, "Lewd acts with a 15-year-old."
It didn't happen! It's lying!
Wait a minute. This is ringing a bell.
Burt, you remember Donna Passani's sweet 16?
We were all doing it in cars in the Knights of Columbus parking lot,
and we got caught by a cop?
- You got arrested! - Oh, yeah!
I was only 15. He was 17. That's where that blue dot's from.
So you sexually offended Mom?
It wasn't Burt's fault. I developed early.
You're still that smoking hot, nasty, sex-crazed chick to me.
The school does a background check,
and we're not gonna get in if we have a dot on this house.
He's right. We need to do something.
I want my granddaughter to go to that school
and have a chance to do great things.
Who ever heard of a rich and successful dog?
I can think of eight right off the bat.
Plus, Hope is gonna wanna have friends over one day,
and no one will come because there's a stigmatism attached to our house.
What am I supposed to do?
Make a time machine, work the kinks out, go back in time,
then remember not to smush parts with your mom? Is that what you want?
'Cause then you wouldn't even be born! Just like Back to the Future!
Am I the only one that watches movies in this house?
Burt, this is serious business.
We'll need to hire a lawyer.
Then we'll have to get dressed up and go to an office park. Come on, man!
I don't wanna open this can of worms now!
You have to! We gotta make that dot disappear!
There, it's gone.
When you have legal trouble, you don't just need a lawyer.
You need a friend.
So call me, Wally Phipps.
I may charge for legal services, but the hugs are free.
So I need you to sponge this from my record.
Can you do that?
Well, I can get you a court date in a week, but...
Oh, Gilligan! This is a problem.
Your registration is in arrears.
Oh, hey, I don't know what that cop wrote, but we were doing it normal style.
Yeah, that is not my bag.
No, I meant you have to go door-to-door in your neighborhood
and identify yourself as a sexual offender living in the neighborhood.
Otherwise, you'll get in even more trouble.
Hi. Are you looking for someone to care for your lawn?
'Cause I'm not one of those mow-and-blow guys.
I will weed, prune, plant.
I'm dependable, trustworthy.
Here's my card.
Also, I'm a sex offender.
Good news, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness.
Bad news, I'm a sex offender.
Hello, I'm your neighbor Burt Chance. I just wanted to let you know
there's a sexual predator living in your neighborhood.
It's me.
About eight years ago, I borrowed your staple gun.
Also, I'm a sexual predator.
Hey, I'm shaving ham here, man! You're not being funny.
I'm not trying to be funny.
I, uh, finished proofing Hope's preschool application.
You're a pretty big fan of exclamation points, huh?
Yeah, I thought it made it more exciting.
Is this more exciting,
or does it just seem like I'm weird?
Yeah, okay. Well, that's why I wrote it in pencil. See?
We're gonna need to jazz this form up a bit.
You got to sell yourself. Like, say you served in Iraq.
No, Afghanistan. It's a better war.
Would you stop it?
Stuff like this is why Barney doesn't let you use the slicer.
I don't wanna use the slicer.
Listen, seriously, you're gonna have to spice this up a little.
I'm not gonna lie.
I don't want Hope's future based on dishonesty.
Well, suit yourself, Mr. Honesty.
But whatever you do,
take it easy on the exclams!
It's my birthday.
Maw Maw, release!
Why couldn't we leave her home?
Because I broke a glass in the kitchen, and I wasn't in the mood to clean it up.
Burt and I need to get to the judge's chambers.
But after, I'd love to tell you
how you could use your broken glass to make a lovely mosaic for your patio.
Come on.
Gotta hang back. You can't be near those kids, Burt.
You're a sex offender.
No, I'm not a perv or anything. I just made love with my teenage wife.
It's cool! I gave him the green light!
Ah.
They've been talking to the judge a long time.
Oh, man. I hope Dad didn't get frustrated and do his crank-up-his-middle-finger thing.
He's definitely in a finger-cranking mood today.
I got one this morning when I got the last Eggo.
Good news. They overturned my dot.
Take that, justice system.
Some old lady took her shirt off.
Best field trip ever!
Well, I talked to the judge
and explained that your Maw Maw is a teeny bit bonkadoo.
He'll get rid of the dot as soon as she does 12 hours of community service.
Ooh.
Twelve hours? She's only awake for three hours at a time.
Well, some of those kids were pretty shook up.
Yeah. First time you see them, it can be pretty rough.
I still can't eat dried fruit without heaving a little first.
Well, let's see what has a need right now.
Here we go.
Picking up trash on Highway 80.
She's going to have to do that tomorrow, because the application's due the day after.
She can't even get her own toilet paper in the toilet.
How is she going to get strange trash in a strange trash can?
Well, she has to.
A while back, I slipped on a wig and did my wife's community service
when she got arrested for spousal abuse.
Point is that any woman can sign in and do the job.
I hate all of you.
Thank you for having me on the show, Johnny.
Thanks for doing this.
I packed you a lunch of all orange things,
so you wouldn't have to worry about staining your jumpsuit.
It's mostly cheese puffs and jelly beans.
- Dad, what are you doing? - Shh.
He's sleep-eating. He does it every night.
You know, I'm starting to think
we should have left Hope in that dog pound day care.
She could still be successful.
Just strap her to a blind person and call it a day.
How is he not, like, 500 pounds?
He sleep-exercises.
Okay. Let's do this.
You sure you don't wanna brush your hair?
Oh, right.
'Cause if I'm going to be picking up beer bottles and old rubbers,
I really wanna look my best.
Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Gotta pee, pee, pee.
Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Gotta pee.
He won't give me the key unless I buy something.
Give me some money.
They don't have anything for 26 cents. Don't you have any more money?
No, that's it.
Try the take a penny, leave a penny jar.
- Hey, Jimmy. - Hey, Dancin' Dan.
Nobody left a penny. Sign of the times.
Hey, what are you gonna do with that?
Hey. What in the Lord?
- I can't believe you're arresting me. - Watch your head.
The real crime is what those people are charging for a pack of gum in there.
Mom, what's going on?
We just caught your mother relieving herself behind the gas station.
She's being arrested for indecent exposure.
What am I supposed to do?
I need to find someone to pick up litter in, like, five minutes.
I got bigger problems, Jimmy.
My mug shot's gonna look terrible.
Excuse me, miss.
I'd like to pay you to pretend to be my great-grandmother on the side of the road.
It'll be dirty, but...
That hooker was wearing a wire.
I heard the whole thing on the walkie-talkie.
It's like watching your kid drown and not being able to tell him to shut up.
I know I've said lying is bad, but I mean, half the games we play are lies.
Like peek-a-boo?
I'm not really gone. Still here.
What I'm saying is I think I have to use our neighbor's address on this form.
Although, I wish I didn't have to. You know, I wouldn't have to do all this
if you weren't doing dog stuff like barking or...
Chewing bones.
Who gave Hope a steak bone?
She fetched my slippers. I keep my promises.
I gotta get you away from these dogs.
I think I have to lie about more than just our address.
Excuse me. Everybody?
I would like to thank you all for applying. All of you had such compelling stories.
The O'Donnells.
Both of you working three jobs while living in another family's basement.
Somehow using a hot plate to heat your bathwater.
And Mr. Melman.
Mr. Melman volunteers every single day in a downtown soup kitchen.
And the Sanchezes had to float to this country on an inner tube
with nothing but a stick to fight off the shark attacks.
And the Hasiks who are functionally mute.
But one story stood out.
Would you come up here, Jim Chance?
Come on. Don't be shy.
James Chance, single father
who gave up a promising career in art to fight for his country in Afghanistan,
only to injure his drawing hand while carrying several orphans to safety.
Then when he came back,
he was carjacked by a man desperate for money to pay for a kidney transplant.
And who do you suppose gave him the kidney?
- James Chance. - James Chance.
The scholarship goes to Hope Chance.
Congratulations.
Yeah, I'm sorry to have to do this, but the unchosen will have to leave now.
Thank you. Just... Mmm-hmm.
Thank you.
Wait.
- I lied on my application. - What?
I lied on my application. I didn't even want to lie,
but it all started when I had to fake my address,
because we have blue dots.
- We're sexual offenders. - Excuse me?
But it's all a misunderstanding, right? My parents hooked up as teenagers,
my great-grandmother runs around without her bra on,
and I tried to get a favor from a hooker.
Okay, but it wasn't a sexual favor.
I really wanted to get my daughter into this school.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
That was very brave, Mr. Chance.
Coming clean like that, that took courage.
Really?
Cool.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. I can be brave, too.
I don't really volunteer at the soup kitchen.
I have OCD. One, two, three, four, five.
And I think that homeless people are filthy. One, two, three, four, five.
We didn't really come here on an inner tube.
Sure, our name is Sanchez, but we're about as Latino as the Three Amigos.
We can speak. In fact, my wife here will hardly ever shut up.
And she hits me.
Hey, I also lied about my kid's mother. She was a serial killer.
I didn't even get into that.
- Yeah, my penis is tiny. - Okay.
Honesty may be the best policy, but in this case, it got us all disqualified.
It also gave me a chance to tell everyone about Shelley's day care,
and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
Wow, Jimmy.
Thanks for telling so many people about my school.
This place is great. It just needed more kids.
Okay, everybody, I think we're ready to sing the welcome song.
Yesterday I was so lonely
Nothing but Kibbles 'n Bits
Just me and the dogs They chewed up my clogs
And one had a case of the...
Poopies
But today I made
New best friends, new best friends
It's only been a minute But we're new best friends
Sisters and bros, nuevo amigos
Sharing our secrets till every day ends
Everybody!
New best friends, new best friends
We just met this morning But we're new best friends
Sisters and bros, nuevo amigos
Sharing our secrets till every day ends
New best friends, new best friends
We're the Chances,
and we're all sex offenders living in your neighborhood.
Except me. I'm clean.
English - US - SDH