1
00:00:09,670 --> 00:00:11,900
So many sounds don't bother you
2
00:00:12,539 --> 00:00:14,700
Mail through the slot
3
00:00:15,275 --> 00:00:17,106
The clock's cuckoo
4
00:00:18,512 --> 00:00:21,572
Gunshot sounds that come from the TV
5
00:00:23,450 --> 00:00:25,213
Then there's the sound
that gets you all worked up
6
00:00:25,319 --> 00:00:26,980
Start wagging tails
and just freak out
7
00:00:27,087 --> 00:00:30,853
'Cause remember that
you're always safe with me
8
00:00:30,958 --> 00:00:33,017
'Cause it's the doorbell
It's just the doorbell
9
00:00:33,127 --> 00:00:35,652
And all your barking
is becoming a pain in my ass
10
00:00:35,763 --> 00:00:37,697
It's just the doorbell,
the freaking doorbell
11
00:00:37,798 --> 00:00:41,234
But it's probably just your owner Or
the nice guy that comes to read the gas
12
00:00:44,805 --> 00:00:46,432
Good job, guys. I'm seeing improvement.
13
00:00:49,977 --> 00:00:54,073
Hi. I was wondering
where Miss Hope Rope-a-Dope was.
14
00:00:54,181 --> 00:00:55,944
Sorry she's late.
15
00:00:56,050 --> 00:00:58,712
Jimmy was moving
according to coffee-pot time,
16
00:00:58,819 --> 00:01:00,218
which is usually 10 minutes fast,
17
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,719
but it crapped out
in the middle of the night,
18
00:01:01,822 --> 00:01:06,259
so we're all kind of
on microwave time today.
19
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:07,349
Gotcha.
20
00:01:08,462 --> 00:01:10,760
Hey, what happened to your dead tooth?
21
00:01:11,331 --> 00:01:13,526
I got rid of it.
I thought it made me unique,
22
00:01:13,634 --> 00:01:17,035
but then I saw this hilarious episode of
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia,
23
00:01:17,137 --> 00:01:20,300
and there was this girl with a dead tooth.
Crazy, right?
24
00:01:20,741 --> 00:01:22,402
And everyone
was always making fun of her,
25
00:01:22,509 --> 00:01:24,875
so before anyone made fun of me,
I figured I'd get it fixed.
26
00:01:25,179 --> 00:01:26,168
Hmm.
27
00:01:27,815 --> 00:01:31,512
- The other kids not here yet?
- No, Hope's the only kid left.
28
00:01:31,618 --> 00:01:33,142
Jessie and Phoebe moved on to real school,
29
00:01:33,253 --> 00:01:35,346
and Jenny's mother's trying
the whole stay-at-home-mom thing
30
00:01:35,456 --> 00:01:37,583
now that they got
her medications sorted out.
31
00:01:37,691 --> 00:01:39,420
What about the old people
you were watching?
32
00:01:39,526 --> 00:01:41,960
Dead. Waiting on a new batch to come in.
33
00:01:42,062 --> 00:01:45,691
Hope's not afraid to get in there
and mix it up, though.
34
00:01:53,173 --> 00:01:55,471
I'm telling you, Jimmy,
it's a great day care and everything,
35
00:01:55,576 --> 00:01:57,771
but she can't grow up only around dogs.
36
00:01:57,878 --> 00:01:59,846
How embarrassed are you gonna be
at Sunday school
37
00:01:59,947 --> 00:02:01,881
when she starts humping
the minister's leg?
38
00:02:01,982 --> 00:02:03,449
I appreciate your concern,
39
00:02:03,550 --> 00:02:05,916
and I do wish
Hope had some other kids there,
40
00:02:06,019 --> 00:02:08,180
but for now, I'm sure she's fine.
41
00:02:11,391 --> 00:02:12,722
Did your baby just bark?
42
00:02:13,927 --> 00:02:16,395
No, maybe she burped.
43
00:02:20,134 --> 00:02:21,101
Hiccup?
44
00:02:27,641 --> 00:02:28,903
Okay, she barked.
45
00:02:30,744 --> 00:02:32,735
What does this button do?
46
00:02:38,352 --> 00:02:42,345
Here we go, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
47
00:02:48,595 --> 00:02:50,426
Is that another brochure
about joining the Air Force?
48
00:02:50,531 --> 00:02:55,332
No, it's a brochure for a private preschool
one of my client's kids goes to, Marcy.
49
00:02:55,435 --> 00:02:56,663
Good kid, smart.
50
00:02:56,770 --> 00:02:59,034
She reads the tabloids to me
while I'm cleaning.
51
00:02:59,139 --> 00:03:00,470
We can't afford this place.
52
00:03:00,574 --> 00:03:03,042
Go to the page with the black kid.
53
00:03:04,211 --> 00:03:07,510
Yeah, it looks like they have
a great computer center.
54
00:03:07,614 --> 00:03:11,175
No, not the picture of the black kid
with glasses.
55
00:03:11,285 --> 00:03:13,810
The one where he's high-fiving
the Mexican girl.
56
00:03:13,954 --> 00:03:17,117
Ah, they have scholarships. Cool.
57
00:03:17,224 --> 00:03:19,419
But these are for poor people.
58
00:03:19,526 --> 00:03:20,584
What do you think we are?
59
00:03:20,694 --> 00:03:25,097
I don't know.
Like, lower-lower-lower middle class?
60
00:03:25,399 --> 00:03:28,493
I'm gonna take these
to the bottle return place.
61
00:03:29,736 --> 00:03:31,601
It's like a tunnel.
62
00:03:33,974 --> 00:03:37,637
He does all that for $1.90,
and you think we're not poor?
63
00:03:42,950 --> 00:03:45,009
Check out all those fancy guys
who went here.
64
00:03:45,118 --> 00:03:48,451
Those are the Presidents
of the United States.
65
00:03:48,555 --> 00:03:51,388
- I remember that guy.
- So handsome.
66
00:03:51,491 --> 00:03:53,618
Check it out. There's one named Grover.
67
00:03:55,028 --> 00:03:56,086
Grover.
68
00:03:56,530 --> 00:04:01,297
All right, everybody,
these applications are due in two weeks.
69
00:04:01,401 --> 00:04:05,531
Unfortunately, we only have enough
grant money to cover one poor student.
70
00:04:05,639 --> 00:04:07,072
We are totally winning this.
71
00:04:07,174 --> 00:04:09,802
There's no way
these people are poorer than us.
72
00:04:09,910 --> 00:04:11,935
Okay, does anybody have any questions?
73
00:04:12,045 --> 00:04:16,175
I do. I was wondering. I had seen
on the Neighborhood Watch website
74
00:04:16,283 --> 00:04:19,377
that there was a sex offender
living not far from the school.
75
00:04:19,486 --> 00:04:20,976
What's a Neighborhood Watch website?
76
00:04:21,088 --> 00:04:23,921
It's a website that tells you
77
00:04:24,024 --> 00:04:27,118
where the people who've been convicted
of sexual-related crimes live.
78
00:04:27,227 --> 00:04:29,889
There's a blue dot over their house.
79
00:04:32,165 --> 00:04:36,124
Oh, we use the computer at the library
since we can't afford our own.
80
00:04:36,236 --> 00:04:38,261
No, we forced that person out.
81
00:04:38,372 --> 00:04:42,900
Now the closest blue dot is way, way, way
over on the other side of town
82
00:04:43,010 --> 00:04:45,376
by the dangerous mall in Lacy Park.
83
00:04:45,812 --> 00:04:48,576
- We live in Lacy Park.
- By the dangerous mall.
84
00:04:48,982 --> 00:04:51,951
We're so poor,
we live by the dangerous mall.
85
00:04:55,355 --> 00:04:56,413
I'll kill him.
86
00:04:56,523 --> 00:04:59,219
I'll strangle him with
his own perverted sexual-offending hands!
87
00:04:59,326 --> 00:05:01,260
How do you know it's a him?
88
00:05:01,361 --> 00:05:04,762
I bet it's that woman who lives up
the street whose bushes look like wieners.
89
00:05:04,865 --> 00:05:06,799
No one sees that but you, Mom.
90
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:09,130
There it is, the blue dot.
91
00:05:11,738 --> 00:05:13,899
They live really close to us.
92
00:05:15,809 --> 00:05:17,242
On our block.
93
00:05:19,079 --> 00:05:20,103
In our house!
94
00:05:25,585 --> 00:05:26,609
Huh.
95
00:05:30,090 --> 00:05:31,387
It's obviously a mistake.
96
00:05:31,491 --> 00:05:33,550
It says here,
"Lewd acts with a 15-year-old."
97
00:05:33,660 --> 00:05:36,254
It didn't happen! It's lying!
98
00:05:36,663 --> 00:05:39,496
Wait a minute. This is ringing a bell.
99
00:05:39,599 --> 00:05:43,899
Burt, you remember
Donna Passani's sweet 16?
100
00:05:44,004 --> 00:05:47,440
We were all doing it in cars
in the Knights of Columbus parking lot,
101
00:05:47,541 --> 00:05:49,941
and we got caught by a cop?
102
00:05:50,043 --> 00:05:52,739
- You got arrested!
- Oh, yeah!
103
00:05:52,846 --> 00:05:56,748
I was only 15. He was 17.
That's where that blue dot's from.
104
00:05:56,850 --> 00:05:58,818
So you sexually offended Mom?
105
00:05:58,919 --> 00:06:01,911
It wasn't Burt's fault. I developed early.
106
00:06:02,022 --> 00:06:05,958
You're still that smoking hot,
nasty, sex-crazed chick to me.
107
00:06:09,763 --> 00:06:11,594
The school does a background check,
108
00:06:11,698 --> 00:06:14,929
and we're not gonna get in
if we have a dot on this house.
109
00:06:15,035 --> 00:06:17,595
He's right. We need to do something.
110
00:06:19,206 --> 00:06:21,231
I want my granddaughter
to go to that school
111
00:06:21,341 --> 00:06:23,707
and have a chance to do great things.
112
00:06:23,810 --> 00:06:26,210
Who ever heard
of a rich and successful dog?
113
00:06:26,313 --> 00:06:27,974
I can think of eight right off the bat.
114
00:06:28,081 --> 00:06:30,515
Plus, Hope is gonna wanna
have friends over one day,
115
00:06:30,617 --> 00:06:34,519
and no one will come because there's
a stigmatism attached to our house.
116
00:06:34,621 --> 00:06:36,088
What am I supposed to do?
117
00:06:36,189 --> 00:06:39,784
Make a time machine,
work the kinks out, go back in time,
118
00:06:39,893 --> 00:06:42,760
then remember not to smush parts
with your mom? Is that what you want?
119
00:06:42,863 --> 00:06:45,764
'Cause then you wouldn't even be born!
Just like Back to the Future!
120
00:06:45,866 --> 00:06:47,356
Am I the only one
that watches movies in this house?
121
00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:50,095
Burt, this is serious business.
122
00:06:50,837 --> 00:06:52,361
We'll need to hire a lawyer.
123
00:06:52,472 --> 00:06:56,101
Then we'll have to get dressed up
and go to an office park. Come on, man!
124
00:06:56,209 --> 00:06:57,733
I don't wanna open this can of worms now!
125
00:06:57,844 --> 00:07:00,836
You have to!
We gotta make that dot disappear!
126
00:07:04,751 --> 00:07:06,844
There, it's gone.
127
00:07:06,953 --> 00:07:11,481
When you have legal trouble,
you don't just need a lawyer.
128
00:07:11,591 --> 00:07:13,354
You need a friend.
129
00:07:13,460 --> 00:07:16,554
So call me, Wally Phipps.
130
00:07:16,663 --> 00:07:21,498
I may charge for legal services,
but the hugs are free.
131
00:07:28,141 --> 00:07:30,666
So I need you
to sponge this from my record.
132
00:07:30,777 --> 00:07:31,869
Can you do that?
133
00:07:31,978 --> 00:07:35,846
Well, I can get you
a court date in a week, but...
134
00:07:36,950 --> 00:07:39,714
Oh, Gilligan! This is a problem.
135
00:07:39,820 --> 00:07:41,788
Your registration is in arrears.
136
00:07:41,888 --> 00:07:46,291
Oh, hey, I don't know what that cop wrote,
but we were doing it normal style.
137
00:07:46,393 --> 00:07:48,122
Yeah, that is not my bag.
138
00:07:48,528 --> 00:07:53,465
No, I meant you have to go
door-to-door in your neighborhood
139
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:57,594
and identify yourself as a sexual
offender living in the neighborhood.
140
00:07:57,704 --> 00:07:59,729
Otherwise, you'll get in even more trouble.
141
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:29,828
Hi. Are you looking for someone
to care for your lawn?
142
00:08:29,936 --> 00:08:31,631
'Cause I'm not one
of those mow-and-blow guys.
143
00:08:31,738 --> 00:08:33,797
I will weed, prune, plant.
144
00:08:33,907 --> 00:08:36,000
I'm dependable, trustworthy.
145
00:08:37,577 --> 00:08:39,545
Here's my card.
146
00:08:39,646 --> 00:08:41,409
Also, I'm a sex offender.
147
00:08:42,682 --> 00:08:45,048
Good news, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness.
148
00:08:45,151 --> 00:08:46,778
Bad news, I'm a sex offender.
149
00:08:47,554 --> 00:08:51,012
Hello, I'm your neighbor Burt Chance.
I just wanted to let you know
150
00:08:51,124 --> 00:08:53,684
there's a sexual predator
living in your neighborhood.
151
00:08:53,793 --> 00:08:54,851
It's me.
152
00:08:55,395 --> 00:08:59,354
About eight years ago,
I borrowed your staple gun.
153
00:08:59,466 --> 00:09:01,491
Also, I'm a sexual predator.
154
00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:23,214
Hey, I'm shaving ham here, man!
You're not being funny.
155
00:09:23,590 --> 00:09:25,148
I'm not trying to be funny.
156
00:09:25,692 --> 00:09:29,321
I, uh, finished proofing
Hope's preschool application.
157
00:09:29,429 --> 00:09:31,863
You're a pretty big fan
of exclamation points, huh?
158
00:09:31,965 --> 00:09:33,694
Yeah, I thought it made it more exciting.
159
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,597
Is this more exciting,
160
00:09:35,702 --> 00:09:38,227
or does it just seem like I'm weird?
161
00:09:38,738 --> 00:09:41,434
Yeah, okay.
Well, that's why I wrote it in pencil. See?
162
00:09:41,541 --> 00:09:43,839
We're gonna need
to jazz this form up a bit.
163
00:09:43,944 --> 00:09:47,209
You got to sell yourself.
Like, say you served in Iraq.
164
00:09:47,314 --> 00:09:50,010
No, Afghanistan. It's a better war.
165
00:09:50,116 --> 00:09:51,378
Would you stop it?
166
00:09:51,484 --> 00:09:54,453
Stuff like this is why
Barney doesn't let you use the slicer.
167
00:09:54,554 --> 00:09:55,953
I don't wanna use the slicer.
168
00:09:56,523 --> 00:10:00,050
Listen, seriously, you're gonna
have to spice this up a little.
169
00:10:00,493 --> 00:10:01,892
I'm not gonna lie.
170
00:10:01,995 --> 00:10:04,987
I don't want Hope's future
based on dishonesty.
171
00:10:05,098 --> 00:10:07,328
Well, suit yourself, Mr. Honesty.
172
00:10:07,434 --> 00:10:09,231
But whatever you do,
173
00:10:09,336 --> 00:10:11,736
take it easy on the exclams!
174
00:10:12,138 --> 00:10:13,605
It's my birthday.
175
00:10:25,652 --> 00:10:27,813
Maw Maw, release!
176
00:10:27,921 --> 00:10:29,411
Why couldn't we leave her home?
177
00:10:29,522 --> 00:10:33,083
Because I broke a glass in the kitchen,
and I wasn't in the mood to clean it up.
178
00:10:33,193 --> 00:10:35,718
Burt and I need to get
to the judge's chambers.
179
00:10:35,829 --> 00:10:37,421
But after, I'd love to tell you
180
00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:42,399
how you could use your broken glass
to make a lovely mosaic for your patio.
181
00:10:42,535 --> 00:10:43,661
Come on.
182
00:10:46,106 --> 00:10:48,836
Gotta hang back.
You can't be near those kids, Burt.
183
00:10:48,942 --> 00:10:49,931
You're a sex offender.
184
00:10:52,579 --> 00:10:57,744
No, I'm not a perv or anything.
I just made love with my teenage wife.
185
00:10:58,184 --> 00:11:00,778
It's cool! I gave him the green light!
186
00:11:11,498 --> 00:11:12,465
Ah.
187
00:11:13,433 --> 00:11:16,766
They've been talking
to the judge a long time.
188
00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:20,670
Oh, man. I hope Dad didn't get frustrated and
do his crank-up-his-middle-finger thing.
189
00:11:20,774 --> 00:11:23,436
He's definitely
in a finger-cranking mood today.
190
00:11:23,543 --> 00:11:26,637
I got one this morning
when I got the last Eggo.
191
00:11:28,248 --> 00:11:30,409
Good news. They overturned my dot.
192
00:11:31,818 --> 00:11:33,809
Take that, justice system.
193
00:11:42,162 --> 00:11:44,926
Some old lady took her shirt off.
194
00:11:45,031 --> 00:11:47,022
Best field trip ever!
195
00:12:02,649 --> 00:12:04,378
Well, I talked to the judge
196
00:12:04,484 --> 00:12:08,352
and explained that your Maw Maw
is a teeny bit bonkadoo.
197
00:12:08,455 --> 00:12:12,516
He'll get rid of the dot as soon
as she does 12 hours of community service.
198
00:12:16,996 --> 00:12:17,963
Ooh.
199
00:12:18,631 --> 00:12:21,623
Twelve hours?
She's only awake for three hours at a time.
200
00:12:21,935 --> 00:12:24,301
Well, some of those kids
were pretty shook up.
201
00:12:24,404 --> 00:12:27,271
Yeah. First time you see them,
it can be pretty rough.
202
00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:30,342
I still can't eat dried fruit
without heaving a little first.
203
00:12:30,443 --> 00:12:33,276
Well, let's see what has a need right now.
204
00:12:34,581 --> 00:12:36,014
Here we go.
205
00:12:36,116 --> 00:12:39,517
Picking up trash on Highway 80.
206
00:12:39,619 --> 00:12:43,885
She's going to have to do that tomorrow,
because the application's due the day after.
207
00:12:43,990 --> 00:12:46,151
She can't even get
her own toilet paper in the toilet.
208
00:12:46,259 --> 00:12:49,126
How is she going to get strange trash
in a strange trash can?
209
00:12:49,229 --> 00:12:50,491
Well, she has to.
210
00:12:50,597 --> 00:12:55,728
A while back, I slipped on a wig
and did my wife's community service
211
00:12:55,835 --> 00:12:59,202
when she got arrested for spousal abuse.
212
00:12:59,305 --> 00:13:03,401
Point is that any woman can sign in
and do the job.
213
00:13:08,615 --> 00:13:10,105
I hate all of you.
214
00:13:10,817 --> 00:13:13,718
Thank you for having me
on the show, Johnny.
215
00:13:22,829 --> 00:13:24,262
Thanks for doing this.
216
00:13:24,364 --> 00:13:26,889
I packed you a lunch of all orange things,
217
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,264
so you wouldn't have to worry
about staining your jumpsuit.
218
00:13:29,369 --> 00:13:32,304
It's mostly cheese puffs and jelly beans.
219
00:13:35,942 --> 00:13:37,807
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Shh.
220
00:13:37,911 --> 00:13:40,573
He's sleep-eating.
He does it every night.
221
00:13:43,616 --> 00:13:45,311
You know, I'm starting to think
222
00:13:45,418 --> 00:13:49,115
we should have left Hope
in that dog pound day care.
223
00:13:49,222 --> 00:13:50,985
She could still be successful.
224
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:53,991
Just strap her to a blind person
and call it a day.
225
00:13:57,831 --> 00:13:59,924
How is he not, like, 500 pounds?
226
00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:02,001
He sleep-exercises.
227
00:14:05,638 --> 00:14:08,106
Okay. Let's do this.
228
00:14:10,076 --> 00:14:12,772
You sure you don't wanna brush your hair?
229
00:14:14,314 --> 00:14:15,281
Oh, right.
230
00:14:15,381 --> 00:14:18,350
'Cause if I'm going to be picking up
beer bottles and old rubbers,
231
00:14:18,451 --> 00:14:20,544
I really wanna look my best.
232
00:14:25,592 --> 00:14:27,423
Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Gotta pee, pee, pee.
233
00:14:27,527 --> 00:14:29,722
Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Gotta pee.
234
00:14:34,734 --> 00:14:36,201
He won't give me the key
unless I buy something.
235
00:14:36,302 --> 00:14:37,735
Give me some money.
236
00:14:44,244 --> 00:14:47,338
They don't have anything for 26 cents.
Don't you have any more money?
237
00:14:47,447 --> 00:14:48,812
No, that's it.
238
00:14:48,915 --> 00:14:51,782
Try the take a penny, leave a penny jar.
239
00:15:00,627 --> 00:15:03,528
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Hey, Dancin' Dan.
240
00:15:07,567 --> 00:15:10,434
Nobody left a penny. Sign of the times.
241
00:15:12,906 --> 00:15:14,271
Hey, what are you gonna do with that?
242
00:15:23,416 --> 00:15:25,577
Hey. What in the Lord?
243
00:15:30,924 --> 00:15:35,088
- I can't believe you're arresting me.
- Watch your head.
244
00:15:35,194 --> 00:15:38,391
The real crime is what those people
are charging for a pack of gum in there.
245
00:15:38,932 --> 00:15:40,957
Mom, what's going on?
246
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:44,059
We just caught your mother
relieving herself behind the gas station.
247
00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:46,104
She's being arrested for indecent exposure.
248
00:15:50,810 --> 00:15:51,799
What am I supposed to do?
249
00:15:51,911 --> 00:15:54,038
I need to find someone to pick up litter
in, like, five minutes.
250
00:15:54,147 --> 00:15:56,081
I got bigger problems, Jimmy.
251
00:15:56,182 --> 00:15:58,810
My mug shot's gonna look terrible.
252
00:16:08,895 --> 00:16:09,987
Excuse me, miss.
253
00:16:10,096 --> 00:16:13,122
I'd like to pay you to pretend to be my
great-grandmother on the side of the road.
254
00:16:13,232 --> 00:16:15,132
It'll be dirty, but...
255
00:16:18,571 --> 00:16:20,869
That hooker was wearing a wire.
256
00:16:20,974 --> 00:16:24,137
I heard the whole thing
on the walkie-talkie.
257
00:16:24,243 --> 00:16:28,441
It's like watching your kid drown
and not being able to tell him to shut up.
258
00:16:38,725 --> 00:16:43,992
I know I've said lying is bad, but I
mean, half the games we play are lies.
259
00:16:44,097 --> 00:16:45,758
Like peek-a-boo?
260
00:16:45,865 --> 00:16:47,628
I'm not really gone. Still here.
261
00:16:50,103 --> 00:16:54,039
What I'm saying is I think I have to use
our neighbor's address on this form.
262
00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:58,270
Although, I wish I didn't have to.
You know, I wouldn't have to do all this
263
00:16:58,378 --> 00:17:01,279
if you weren't doing dog stuff
like barking or...
264
00:17:04,317 --> 00:17:05,682
Chewing bones.
265
00:17:06,085 --> 00:17:07,279
Who gave Hope a steak bone?
266
00:17:09,222 --> 00:17:12,521
She fetched my slippers.
I keep my promises.
267
00:17:20,033 --> 00:17:21,898
I gotta get you away from these dogs.
268
00:17:22,001 --> 00:17:23,696
I think I have to lie
about more than just our address.
269
00:17:25,471 --> 00:17:27,371
Excuse me. Everybody?
270
00:17:28,775 --> 00:17:34,236
I would like to thank you all for applying.
All of you had such compelling stories.
271
00:17:35,114 --> 00:17:36,547
The O'Donnells.
272
00:17:36,649 --> 00:17:40,813
Both of you working three jobs
while living in another family's basement.
273
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:44,356
Somehow using a hot plate
to heat your bathwater.
274
00:17:44,457 --> 00:17:45,924
And Mr. Melman.
275
00:17:46,025 --> 00:17:50,086
Mr. Melman volunteers every single day
in a downtown soup kitchen.
276
00:17:52,165 --> 00:17:55,623
And the Sanchezes had to float
to this country on an inner tube
277
00:17:55,735 --> 00:17:59,535
with nothing but a stick
to fight off the shark attacks.
278
00:17:59,639 --> 00:18:02,335
And the Hasiks who are functionally mute.
279
00:18:05,011 --> 00:18:08,105
But one story stood out.
280
00:18:08,214 --> 00:18:11,149
Would you come up here, Jim Chance?
281
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:12,774
Come on. Don't be shy.
282
00:18:16,422 --> 00:18:19,949
James Chance, single father
283
00:18:20,059 --> 00:18:24,553
who gave up a promising career in art
to fight for his country in Afghanistan,
284
00:18:24,664 --> 00:18:29,158
only to injure his drawing hand while
carrying several orphans to safety.
285
00:18:29,268 --> 00:18:30,735
Then when he came back,
286
00:18:30,837 --> 00:18:35,604
he was carjacked by a man desperate
for money to pay for a kidney transplant.
287
00:18:36,776 --> 00:18:39,768
And who do you suppose
gave him the kidney?
288
00:18:39,879 --> 00:18:41,073
- James Chance.
- James Chance.
289
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:44,149
The scholarship goes to Hope Chance.
290
00:18:44,650 --> 00:18:45,947
Congratulations.
291
00:18:46,352 --> 00:18:50,686
Yeah, I'm sorry to have to do this,
but the unchosen will have to leave now.
292
00:18:50,790 --> 00:18:53,020
Thank you. Just... Mmm-hmm.
293
00:18:55,728 --> 00:18:57,992
Thank you.
294
00:18:58,097 --> 00:18:59,621
Wait.
295
00:18:59,732 --> 00:19:02,667
- I lied on my application.
- What?
296
00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:06,135
I lied on my application.
I didn't even want to lie,
297
00:19:06,239 --> 00:19:08,707
but it all started
when I had to fake my address,
298
00:19:08,808 --> 00:19:10,742
because we have blue dots.
299
00:19:10,843 --> 00:19:13,903
- We're sexual offenders.
- Excuse me?
300
00:19:14,046 --> 00:19:16,947
But it's all a misunderstanding, right?
My parents hooked up as teenagers,
301
00:19:17,049 --> 00:19:19,779
my great-grandmother
runs around without her bra on,
302
00:19:19,886 --> 00:19:21,581
and I tried to get a favor from a hooker.
303
00:19:21,687 --> 00:19:23,951
Okay, but it wasn't a sexual favor.
304
00:19:25,291 --> 00:19:28,192
I really wanted to get my daughter
into this school.
305
00:19:28,294 --> 00:19:29,989
I'm sorry.
306
00:19:32,431 --> 00:19:34,092
I'm really sorry.
307
00:19:36,169 --> 00:19:38,694
That was very brave, Mr. Chance.
308
00:19:38,804 --> 00:19:41,739
Coming clean like that, that took courage.
309
00:19:41,841 --> 00:19:43,069
Really?
310
00:19:44,076 --> 00:19:45,065
Cool.
311
00:19:45,178 --> 00:19:47,578
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I can be brave, too.
312
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,773
I don't really volunteer
at the soup kitchen.
313
00:19:49,882 --> 00:19:51,816
I have OCD. One, two, three, four, five.
314
00:19:51,918 --> 00:19:55,376
And I think that homeless people are filthy.
One, two, three, four, five.
315
00:19:55,488 --> 00:19:57,922
We didn't really come here
on an inner tube.
316
00:19:58,024 --> 00:20:02,393
Sure, our name is Sanchez, but we're
about as Latino as the Three Amigos.
317
00:20:02,495 --> 00:20:05,760
We can speak. In fact,
my wife here will hardly ever shut up.
318
00:20:05,865 --> 00:20:07,127
And she hits me.
319
00:20:07,233 --> 00:20:11,260
Hey, I also lied about my kid's mother.
She was a serial killer.
320
00:20:11,370 --> 00:20:12,496
I didn't even get into that.
321
00:20:12,605 --> 00:20:15,130
- Yeah, my penis is tiny.
- Okay.
322
00:20:15,708 --> 00:20:20,645
Honesty may be the best policy, but
in this case, it got us all disqualified.
323
00:20:20,746 --> 00:20:23,579
It also gave me a chance to tell
everyone about Shelley's day care,
324
00:20:23,683 --> 00:20:26,481
and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
325
00:20:27,453 --> 00:20:29,148
Wow, Jimmy.
326
00:20:30,256 --> 00:20:32,724
Thanks for telling so many people
about my school.
327
00:20:32,825 --> 00:20:35,794
This place is great.
It just needed more kids.
328
00:20:37,230 --> 00:20:41,291
Okay, everybody, I think we're ready
to sing the welcome song.
329
00:20:43,836 --> 00:20:46,168
Yesterday I was so lonely
330
00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:48,433
Nothing but Kibbles 'n Bits
331
00:20:48,541 --> 00:20:51,237
Just me and the dogs
They chewed up my clogs
332
00:20:51,344 --> 00:20:54,142
And one had a case of the...
333
00:20:54,247 --> 00:20:55,214
Poopies
334
00:20:55,915 --> 00:20:58,247
But today I made
335
00:20:58,351 --> 00:21:00,876
New best friends, new best friends
336
00:21:00,987 --> 00:21:03,717
It's only been a minute
But we're new best friends
337
00:21:03,823 --> 00:21:06,314
Sisters and bros, nuevo amigos
338
00:21:06,425 --> 00:21:08,950
Sharing our secrets
till every day ends
339
00:21:09,061 --> 00:21:10,153
Everybody!
340
00:21:10,263 --> 00:21:13,096
New best friends,
new best friends
341
00:21:13,199 --> 00:21:15,793
We just met this morning
But we're new best friends
342
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:18,597
Sisters and bros, nuevo amigos
343
00:21:18,704 --> 00:21:20,831
Sharing our secrets
till every day ends
344
00:21:22,041 --> 00:21:24,100
New best friends, new best friends
345
00:21:24,210 --> 00:21:25,370
We're the Chances,
346
00:21:25,478 --> 00:21:28,174
and we're all sex offenders
living in your neighborhood.
347
00:21:28,281 --> 00:21:30,112
Except me. I'm clean.
348
00:21:36,389 --> 00:21:37,356
English - US - SDH