(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello. Welcome to Top Gear,
where tonight things are a bit out of the ordinary,
because I can't help but notice little Chrissy Harris
has a certain spring in his step. Look at him.
He does. I'd say he's even looking a little bit jaunty.
PADDY: He is. He's perky.
He's cock-a-hoop. What's the news, Christopher?
- Two for one at Harrods? - No, even better than that.
Go on. Let us into the secret.
Tonight's the show when I get to put Fred
in a tiny plastic car
and push him off the side of a mountain.
Oh. Glad we can make you happy, finally.
Anyway, that's all coming up later.
But we kick off tonight by talking about TV cop shows.
Love a police procedural, Pad.
We do. Specifically, we're talking about
that noble tradition of TV cop cars.
Because there was once a time, back in the day,
when Luther was in short pants
and everyone thought H in Line Of Duty was in Steps,
when telly police cars were legends in their own right.
Cop a look at this.
Carnegie, you've just been Quattroed!
PADDY: It's time to rewind to the TV cop show golden age...
...a time when screen coppers played by their own rules...
...and drove proper cars...
...cars that were as famous
as the actors behind the wheel.
Aw, now...we're starting off with an absolute peach.
As we call it in Bolton, Mammie Vice.
- FRED: Crockett and Tubbs. - PADDY: Yes.
FRED: Ferrari Testarossa.
Get it out of the way now. You're gonna call me Tubbs.
No, no, no, no. Don't be like that, Chris.
Hey, but I'll tell you what, we've missed a trick, though.
- Edit this in. Tubbs. - Tubbs.
FRED: Can I give you a fun fact on this?
- CHRIS: Go on. - FRED: The first two series
used a Daytona on a Corvette chassis.
And Enzo Ferrari didn't like that.
He sent them two Testarossas.
CHRIS: That's a really, really lovely car.
This sounds ridiculous,
but in what world do you walk past a Testarossa, see a Capri,
and go, "I'd rather have that"?
Bodie and Doyle, they were heroes, weren't they?
When you played Professionals at school,
- who were you? - CHRIS: Bodie.
- I were Bodie. - Yeah.
Didn't wanna be Doyle,
with the whole curly hair and all that deep thinking.
You wanna be Bodie, booting down the doors.
You're gonna hate me here.
I know the names, and I've heard of it...
Hang on a minute. No.
PADDY: You've never seen The Professionals?
I know what it is. I've heard of it.
You call yourself British?!
Are you aware of the fact we have a queen in this country?
Well, yeah, she gave me an MBE.
Oh, I love that. Oh, I like that!
Thanks for popping in, Chris. Next car. Thank you.
CHRIS: Look, the small-screen heroes just go on and on.
These cars were actually
- characters in their shows. - Exactly.
They were as important as the cops themselves.
Take Simon Templar's super-sleek
but brilliantly understated Volvo P1800 in The Saint.
This is the most beautiful Volvo
- I think I've ever seen. - It's gorgeous.
FRED: Or...the low-key but very punchy
Sierra Sapphire RS Cosworth in Spender.
I've got to say, I could see Jimmy Nail driving this now.
PADDY: And how about DCI Gene Hunt's Audi Quattro,
that brilliant '80s throwback in Ashes To Ashes?
CHRIS: Totally iconic car,
independent of the programme - an amazing vehicle.
CHRIS: And, of course, there was Dempsey And Makepeace,
starring the Mercedes 500 SL,
beautifully cast against Ford's Escort XR3i Cabriolet.
She had the convertible. It was amazing.
People went out and bought them in their droves.
And again, it was a personality on the show.
PADDY: For me, though,
the absolute best of the classic cop-car crop
could only be this little beauty.
(LAUGHS)
Starsky & Hutch's iconic Ford Gran Torino!
What a show Starsky & Hutch was.
I absolutely loved it.
A couple of undercover cops driving around
the mean streets of Bay City,
in, let's be honest,
the least undercover cop car ever.
The California detectives' antics behind the wheel
made the Gran Torino one of the most famous cars
in TV history.
But the truth is, underneath the stripes,
the big old Ford didn't have a whole lot to shout about.
The Gran Torino's from that era of American cars
where they had absolutely massive engines...
...but not much performance.
So, the show's mechanics had a tinker about
with the gear ratio and made the car quicker off the line,
but it wouldn't go above 50mph.
And if it went above 50mph,
the engine'd blow up.
Not very good for catching bad guys.
And it's not exactly what you'd call agile.
(TYRES SCREECH)
It corners like a house on a skateboard!
And the braking, well, it's pretty much nonexistent.
- In we go. - (TYRES SCREECH)
Oh!
It's so wallowy!
There we go.
CHRIS: How very...McGuinness.
How cool is that!
CHRIS: My ultimate, on the other hand,
is far more...cultured.
This might sound ridiculous,
but in a world where I've been so lucky and privileged
to drive so many expensive, glamorous cars,
that an old Mark 2 Jag should be so...um...
...emotional...
But this is Inspector Morse's car, the actual one.
And that's my favourite TV programme of all time.
Inspector Morse arrived in 1987,
and soon became a household name -
the story of a grumpy, erudite Oxfordshire detective
always at the wheel of an old 1960s Jag...
...an old Jag that once upon a time had a reputation
for grace and sophistication.
But by the 1980s, when Morse arrived, well,
it had a different image, let's say.
It was a bit more bank robber than stately home.
But it all fitted with Morse's character,
the curmudgeon intellect who loved real ale,
loved intellectual discussion,
loved crosswords,
disliked pleasantries.
Come on. Come on. Weekend drivers!
And if a great police car in a TV show
says something about the driver or that character
that almost no lines could,
then I think this is the cleverest of the lot.
And the best part -
this genius piece of casting didn't come
from some big-money product-placement deal
with Jaguar.
The producers found the Mark 2 in a scrapyard,
complete with its after-market vinyl roof.
I'll tell you what, it drives beautifully.
Such a gorgeous shape.
And inside, this big, thin-rimmed steering wheel -
Bakelite - moving around in my hands.
I can really feel what's going on.
The gearbox - accurate.
It's a little peachy gearbox.
This is the baby 2.4-litre, 120 horsepower.
It does 100mph flat out,
0 to 60, over 14 seconds.
But who cares when you're driving Morse's car?
FRED: Not me,
because now the support acts are out of the way,
it's time to introduce
a proper star.
Magnum PI's Ferrari 308 GTS.
Oh, pass me a flowery shirt,
stick an hamster on me top lip,
and I'm ready to solve some crime in Hawaii!
FRED: Now, all right, Magnum wasn't technically a cop,
he was a private investigator.
But come on -
when catching bad guys looks this good, who cares?
Imagine you've got the run of Hawaii,
you've got a revvy V8 behind you,
a manual gearbox, rear-wheel drive.
(ENGINE ROARS)
Oh, it looks great, but it sounds great too.
Oh!
It's mad to think it now, but Magnum wasn't
originally meant to drive the 308,
he was meant to drive a Porsche 928.
To make the most of the Hawaiian weather, though,
the producers wanted an open-top version.
And when Porsche refused to build 'em one,
the 308 was the obvious choice.
But Tom Selleck, he's a big lad.
Same height as me. Couldn't fit in it.
Ferrari said, "We're not bothered.
"We'll chop and weld it. We'll make it bigger.
"We'll get him in it."
So Magnum was upgraded to an Italian Stallion.
It is a squeeze in here, though.
I've got the seat all the way back. I'm nearly lying down.
I can barely get into fourth gear
because me leg's in t'way.
I'm in me stockinged feet.
I had me size-12s on
but I was pressing all the pedals at the same time.
There's about that much room between 'em.
But I've got to say, it doesn't matter.
(ENGINE ROARS)
He was living the dream, Magnum. He was living it.
Listen to that!
Who's this flash Harry?
Is that Magnum PI I spy?
I'm hunting him down!
(SIREN WAILS)
Oh, no, I'm getting chased!
PADDY: Let's get that Ferrari!
FRED: He really does think he's Starsky.
I've got to admit, though,
I'm getting into the Magnum vibes.
I'm thinking of growing a tash.
Oh, he span out! You span out!
(BOTH LAUGH)
All right, Morse, here I come.
CHRIS: Oh, God.
PADDY: You can't get away from Starsky and Hutch, Morse!
CHRIS: There am I, imagining
Oxfordshire, dons,
clever-thinking crosswords...
McGuinness comes at me in that thing. What a clown.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, it's so much fun!
PADDY: Do you know what's great about this, lads?
You'd never get these three cars together. We've got
the best of the '60s, '70s and '80s right here.
Proper iconic cop cars.
These are pure class. Look at them - pure class.
Yeah, but if you look at cop cars now, Paddy,
they don't have the character like these, do they?
PADDY: No. No, they don't.
This is what cop shows look like these days.
It's all gritty realism
and accurate representations of modern policing.
Yeah, they're great dramas.
I've got some painkillers in the car. I'll just...
No, don't move. I'll get them.
But when one of your leads is swanning around in
a nice comfy Volvo because of his bad back,
we can't help but see a bit of a missed opportunity.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to introduce
our nominees for a new era of TV cop-car stars.
(LAUGHS)
(ENGINE ROARS)
That's my theme tune right here!
Listen to it!
The Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat Widebody.
Thanks to a supercharged 6.2-litre V8,
this is a 500 brake horsepower four-door.
So, plenty of room in the back for a couple of punks,
in a car that'll hit 60mph
in 3.5 seconds.
And it won't give up the chase
until it hits 196mph.
And I love the way it looks.
It's so mean. It's intimidating.
This is a car driven by a cop
you know that can't be messed with -
in between his trips to the petrol station.
And when I said this big old slice of American muscle
has 500 horsepower,
it does -
when you use the regular black key.
But...when you buy a Charger Hellcat,
you also get given a red key.
And the red key gives you 700 horsepower.
You've heard of "good cop, bad cop"?
This is psychotic cop.
- (ENGINE ROARS) - Whooooa!
CHRIS: Still so very...McGuinness.
What the modern TV cop
really needs is a precision instrument.
Introducing the very yellow Audi RS3.
(LAUGHS)
If telly cop shows have taught us anything over the years,
it's that to catch the bad guys
you've got to think like a bad guy.
And bad guys making a getaway
don't just need to be quick,
they need to be nimble, agile.
So I've thought like a bad guy
and I've chosen the ultimate modern hot hatch.
It's compact. It's grippy.
It's seriously quick.
And I'm thinking heritage here,
because this is basically the modern version
of the Life On Mars Audi Quattro.
Like the old Quattro, it's got a five-cylinder
turbo-charged engine up front,
this time with 400 horsepower,
and it's got Audi's legendary
Quattro four-wheel-drive system.
If you're chasing mobsters around mean city streets,
this is what you need.
It's quick.
FRED: Quick on a road, maybe.
But I reckon the modern telly cop should be quick everywhere.
Whoa! Get in!
The Ford F-150 Raptor,
the truck that'll stop at nothing to dish out justice.
Yeah, this is the world's best-selling pick-up
made tougher and faster.
The V6 engine is based on the one in Ford's GT supercar,
and makes 450 horsepower.
It might weigh as much as a bungalow,
but this thing shifts.
Off-road, on-road,
cities, mountains -
you're just not getting away.
(LAUGHS)
You've just got to remind yourself how big this thing is.
It gets going in a straight line,
and then the corners... a little bit trickier.
In fact, the Raptor is way too big for UK roads.
But TV cops, they don't worry about parking at Asda,
they just want to make a big entrance.
And nothing makes as big an entrance as a Raptor.
FRED ON RADIO: Hello, hello, hello.
What's going on here, then, boys?
(LAUGHS)
Lovely stickerage, Fred. Bold choice of car, though.
(LAUGHS)
Why have you written Ranger on a Raptor?
It's a Ford Raptor, not a Ford Ranger.
FRED: Because the Ranger's driving, Chris.
You've heard Chuck Norris... Texas Ranger?
Flintoff, Preston Ranger!
(LAUGHS) Oh, God.
PADDY: I've gone full-on '80s action cop.
(LAUGHTER)
Honestly, it is an absolute monster, this thing.
I love it.
FRED: I see Chris has gone for
a mid-sized family hatchback.
What's that about?
It's an Audi RS3, and if I need to catch baddies,
which is the name of the game,
this thing's a weapon. It's the obvious choice.
FRED: Well, to see who'd actually chosen best,
we'd been told to head
to a nearby deserted power station.
Look at this, lads. I'm smelling bad guys.
FRED: Just the kind of playground you'd pick
for a bit of TV crime-fighting fun.
- PADDY: Oh, yeah. - CHRIS: Oh, no.
PADDY: Yes.
Oh! Yes.
Now we're talking, boys!
- FRED: All right? - PADDY: Yes.
Wh-wh-wh-what? What?
Looking at your trousers, is your cop based on
an ex-geography teacher?
- I'm not gonna lie. - Yeah?
I was hoping the trousers would be a bit more fitted.
OK? Preston Ranger.
CHRIS: What are you doing?
You two are like a couple of children
that have had a go in a fancy dress shop.
Well, let me introduce you to Officer...Dirty Cobra.
Hang on. Dirty Cobra?
- That's right. - Why?
Well, I took a bit of Dirty Harry and a bit of Cobra,
mixed 'em together.
What've you got in your mouth?
FRED: Dirty Cobra?!
Toothpick. Because what that's good for -
in like in any classic film, you see a baddy, you go...
(SPITS)
And then you're in. I've got plenty of spares.
That reminds me. Hang on. Hang on. Talking about...
While he's gone, Pad, why are you wearing shades?
All good cops wear shades, Chris.
Brought me own toothpick.
- (LAUGHTER) - I don't need a gun.
Woodworm. They went out of business, didn't they?
- Yeah, when I retired. - (LAUGHTER)
So, my backstory is...
...ex-cricketer, retired through injury.
It was sad. I lost me way for a while. I hit the drink.
- You didn't. - My life was going nowhere.
So I decided... I'm gonna give a bit back.
I'm gonna go back to Preston.
I'm gonna clean them streets up.
I don't need a gun. I've got this.
PADDY: Is that why
you've had your thing signed up like Environmental Health?
- Yeah, cleaning it up. - All right, I like that.
I do t'bins as well.
What's the backstory here? Single man?
(LAUGHTER)
- What is it? - Right...
Where does that jumper start and stop and your chin finish?
Right, stop there.
The character's name - you're gonna love this -
- is Dave Tall. - What?
It's a visual gag, cos I'm not actually tall.
So, the whole time I say,
"I'm Dave Tall." And everyone goes, "He's actually short."
I'm actually a failed racing driver.
- Yes, you are. - (LAUGHTER)
PADDY: He's playing himself.
He's Chris Harris.
You're Chris Harris in a polo neck.
The big change of wardrobe for me is
I've bought a new jumper - opportunity for the winter.
- And when things get tasty... - Oh, he's got something here.
- What's he got? - This is the secret.
- Here we go. - This is gonna be good.
...Dave Tall puts on
- his driving gloves. - FRED: Is that it?
This signals the fact that I'm in pursuit in the show.
So, you'll see the red gloves on the steering wheel
and all the kids will go, "Tall's about to get tasty."
What he's done, this morning he's got up and he's thought,
"What have I got in me drawer at home?"
And he's... That's it. That is it.
FRED: Look at the gloves. Look at him.
Well, anyhow, listen, we've all got our cop characters now.
Now, every classic cop film has a signature move,
something that they're being when they rock up
in the car and they get out and it freeze-frames
- on them. - Yeah, yeah.
Right? I wanna see all your signature moves.
Now, get yourselves set. I'm gonna...gonna start you off,
- show you what the crack is. - I reckon yours could be
trying to drive that in a straight line.
Here we go.
Hey... (SPITS)
- All right. - FRED: Go, Cobra.
Cobra?
Paddy, where are yer?
I'm sorry - Dirty Cobra, where are yer?
DC is just on a stakeout.
- A stakeout? - DC!
There's a criminal in my car park, DC.
Leave it to Dirty Cobra.
FRED: Here he comes.
Where's he going? Why's he walking around t'car?
CHRIS: He's gonna make a gesture.
FRED: Oh, here we go.
What's he doing?
PADDY: Gonna make a powerful physical gesture. Here we go.
I hope he's got insurance.
(LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER) - FRED: Seriously?
Hey, what do you reckon, boys?
Why do you want him to have insurance?
Why? Have a look at him, son.
He's been apprehended - by the unconscious police.
Look at the punk on the floor.
You can take that out now.
- Take it out! - Don't touch the DC toothpick!
- Take it out! - All right..
- Geography teacher... - (CHRIS LAUGHS)
- You're up next, Tall. - Ow!
Oh, are you radioing to Dave Tall?
DCI Small, are you OK?
(BLEEP) Tall.
- Oh, sorry. - Sorry.
Tall. Tall. Tall.
Are you ready, DCI Tall?
Yes.
Come on, let's see what you've got.
A3 - I'm still not sure. You know what I mean?
(SIREN WHOOPS)
- FRED: Oh! - (PADDY LAUGHS)
- PADDY: Oh, yes! - FRED AND PADDY: Oh!
You know...
...when you've been Talled.
"You... You know..."?
That's... It's no "go ahead, punk, make my day," is it?
What? Look, I still think it's a nice catchphrase.
And I've always got cardboard boxes round me,
which is a strong look.
- I thought it was quite... - Where's the criminal?
Who have you apprehended?
Are you apprehending Amazon?
BOTH: "No box is safe"!
Oh!
And then he did that with his hands!
He did that!
CHRIS: OK. Dave Tall might need a bit more development.
But no matter, because it was time to embrace the crazy
once and for all with Flintoff, Preston Ranger.
Right, set him off.
Andrew, show us what you've got.
Coming in right now.
CHRIS: Oh, yeah, that's the shot!
Oh, my God, whoa!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Whoa, Preston Ranger! - Now, that's an arrival.
That is an arrival!
You cut me mid-flow.
Sorry!
- I'll shut the door and... - Do it again, do it again!
- I'll get back in character. - Sorry, sorry.
PADDY: Oh, God. Bloody hell!
Oh, God, here we go.
(BOTH LAUGH)
PADDY: Whoa, Preston Ranger!
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Well done, Preston Ranger! - Have they come
- out of your bag? - Your balls have dropped!
They've come out the bottom of me trousers!
(LAUGHTER)
I'll put 'em back up.
PADDY: Yeah, I think it's probably t'best bet.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Howdy.
- Oh, what's he doing? - Dunno.
That's gone a long way.
Howzat?
CHRIS: Now, at this point,
it was decided it was time to take
a more focused approach to finding out
who had chosen the best new TV cop car.
And that meant it was chase time.
With the power station turned into a temporary racetrack...
...each taking turns as the cop...
...we'd now hunt down a suitably nefarious
Chrysler 300C
driven by a couple of conveniently available robbers.
And to make sure this serious testing didn't result
in an even more serious accident,
each car had been fitted with proximity sensors.
Get within ten metres of the getaway car for ten seconds
and the chase...would be over.
Quickest to catch the crims wins.
Right, straight for that bag, straight in -
leave your door open.
Quick getaway.
Told him t'leave the door open. He shuts it. Dick.
What's going on here, then?
- (TOOTS HORN) - Oh, hang on.
Get in, you tool!
Come on, go, go, go, go!
Oh, here he comes! Here's the Ranger!
Tell you what, he's going quick.
Stop right there! The Ranger's coming!
(HORN TOOTS)
Oh, my God, he's got all his lights on as well.
(HORN TOOTS)
Oh, he's just smashed the whole lot out of the way!
That thing looks properly worrying
in your rear-view mirror, I tell you, Pad.
Don't dig in now, Raptor. I've got 'em in me sights.
He's closed a massive gap on us.
Here we go, whoa. Whoa... Whoa!
Here we go, I'm catching 'em, I'm catching 'em.
Oh, he's all over us like a rat. He's over us like a rat!
Look at the size of the bloody thing!
Say you what - off-road capabilities,
I'm gonna use 'em.
This is where Dirty Cobra gets it back here.
Oh, you know, he's disappeared.
- Where is he? - Where's he gone?
There he is, there he is! We've got yer!
Oh, he's there!
FRED: Coming for yer.
He's onto us, he's onto us.
- (SENSOR BEEPS) - Keep beeping, keep beeping.
- He's gonna get us! - Shut up!
Straight down there!
Come on, pull over, man. You're done. You're done.
(LAUGHTER)
He's on us! The Ranger's on us!
Come on!
He's gone. He's gone, he's gone!
Nobody gets away from the Ranger!
No, we haven't. No, we haven't!
Do you know why I'm stopping yer?
We've got a good idea, Ranger.
Your back right tyre's down.
I'm not gonna write you a ticket this time.
Thank you.
But get yourself home, drive carefully, and get it sorted.
Howzat?
CHRIS: That was an impressively ruthless
four-minute, 50-second chase.
Next on duty, the Dirty Cobra -
ready to unleash his Charger Hellcat.
Go! Go, go, go, go, go.
All right.
Oh!
(LAUGHS) Here we go.
Let's get these punks!
- He's right behind yer. - Is he?
The Cobra's here, boys.
That's a bit slippy.
Come on! What... We're not...
Why have you not got your gloves on neither?
CHRIS: Cos I'm not the policeman at the moment!
Yeah, but you're faster in your gloves. That's the trademark.
Whoa! The Hellcat's all over the shop!
We're getting away from him. We're gonna get away with this!
We're gonna get away with it! Mexico, here we come!
PADDY: The Charger is so powerful,
I can't get it in a straight bloody line!
PADDY: OK, so it turns out,
while the Charger does have all the crime-fighting grunt
you'll ever need...
This don't look good.
...on anything other than a bone-dry tarmac road,
it is a massive handful.
(LAUGHS) Too much goddamn power for this car!
He can't get close to us.
On the plus side,
that does at least mean all your Dirty Cobra fans
will be treated to some very lengthy car chases.
Ah, come on.
Keep it going, keep it going.
But when it comes to ending them...
I thought this was meant to be stressful,
trying to get away from the police.
...you do have to get a bit creative.
Dirty Cobra's gonna go right down here.
Playing by me own rules now. Come on, the Cobra!
- Whoa, oh, he's in range. - Where is he?
- FRED: Oh, yeah! - CHRIS: No, no, no, no!
There he is. There he is!
CHRIS: So, with Fred making off with the loot,
after a chase that took a full 11 minutes and 36 seconds,
let's just say the Dirty Cobra would be turning in his badge.
I was the passenger! He was driving. I was the passenger!
You're going to prison, son.
I hope you've got insurance for that.
And with the Preston Ranger still the cop to beat,
finally it was time for a certain failed racing driver
to slip on the gloves.
- (HORN TOOTS) - FRED: Come on!
PADDY: Got it!
Come on, Dave, now's your chance.
I'm after them.
I've heard Dave Small's in town.
Good God, this thing is fast round here.
PADDY: Oh!
It's a bit shaky on t'brakes.
Where'd you get this getaway car from?
This is so grippy and so fast.
This is why I chose the hot hatch.
Oh! Oh, God!
CHRIS: Whoa, sideways!
I'm not going to prison, Fred. I'm not going to prison!
- It frightens me. - Imagine me and you in prison!
- Oh! - They'd have a field day!
Ah, we're on him. We're on him.
He's behind us. Gun it!
He'll start taking some risks now.
Crims have to take risks at some point, don't they?
I've seen a wall! There's a wall!
Right, right, right!
He's all over the place.
- No. - These are chicanes, Fred!
FRED: I have to take it. I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered!
He's got us! He's got us, Fred! Fred!
(LAUGHS)
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, here he is.
Officer Dave Tall. You're nicked, both of you!
FRED: Yeah, I'm in a lot of trouble.
CHRIS: I bet that was a wild ride, wasn't it?
PADDY: Got to be honest - prison seems a better option.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
PADDY: Hey!
OK.
So, I know the question everyone's asking.
What the hell was that?
No, no, they wanna know who won.
Did Dave Tall apprehend the perps faster
than the Preston Ranger?
And I have the results here.
OK. So...
...the Preston Ranger in the Raptor caught the bad guys
in four minutes, 50 seconds.
- All right, innit? - Good work, Preston Ranger.
Thank you.
- Dave Tall... - (WHISTLES)
...in the family hatchback...
...caught the bad guys
in three minutes, five seconds!
Victory to the Tall!
(CHEERING)
- FRED: Nah, nah, nah.
- CHRIS: Yes! - FRED: No.
CHRIS: Yes!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not having that. Not having it.
You can't not have that. It's maths.
We're saying then the ultimate TV cop car
isn't the massive noisy muscle car,
isn't the massive noisy pick-up truck,
but a small German hatchback.
Great things come in small packages.
- Really? Really? - I think
what we're saying is the best cop cars
are the worst telly cop cars.
And the worst cop cars are the best telly cop cars.
- Glad we cleared that up. - Thank you.
And now we must move on to a tribute.
Last year, Britain lost one of its greatest inventors,
Sir Clive Sinclair,
the genius brain behind the ZX Spectrum.
Ask your parents, kids.
He's the man who brought home computing and video games
to the masses.
And also the brain behind this - the Sinclair C5 of 1985,
which, it's fair to say,
history hasn't judged too kindly.
But we've been thinking - maybe this battery-powered pod
wasn't actually a bad idea.
Maybe it was just too far ahead of its time.
Exactly. Maybe in this modern electric world,
the C5 makes perfect sense.
So we sent Chris and Fred to test the theory.
CHRIS: The Sinclair C5 was, on paper,
a genuinely revolutionary piece of design.
A small, light, affordable,
zero-emission vehicle intended for urban commuting.
OK, it might have looked a little unusual,
but fundamentally, Sir Clive's vision
was for the same green and responsible future
that we're all clamouring for today.
FRED: Oh, bus, bus, bus, Chris. Bus!
That's not nice.
Oh, oh!
(BOTH LAUGH)
'Ey up, we're holding traffic up. Move up.
I'm going flat out. Get off, get off!
Get over there.
FRED: How much power have these got?
About one third of a horsepower.
- What, a hoof and a bit? - Yeah.
15mph if you're lucky.
- (HORN TOOTS) - I don't like it.
CHRIS: The problem was, back in the mid-'80s,
the technology simply didn't exist to do the C5 justice.
Built in the old Hoover factory in Wales,
its motor was lifted from the cooling fan of a lorry,
and its all-electric range was about eight miles,
so it was hopelessly slow when it worked...
Run out of battery.
...and then dangerously slow when it didn't.
- (BICYCLE BELL DINGS) - Oh.
(LAUGHS)
FRED: Clearly, the time has come
to turn Sir Clive's vision...
CHRIS: Mine's died now.
...into the lean, mean, green machine he'd always dreamt of.
FRED: I've got an idea, Chris. I've got an idea.
And to show Harris just what that dream looks like,
I told him to meet me a few weeks later...
...in Norway.
Wow. OK.
- Hi, Andrew. - Chris.
Are you ready to have your mind blown?
I... What are you playing at?
FRED: I'm excited to show you this. Look at this.
Are you ready?
Look at this. (LAUGHS)
FRED: Oh, yes. Harnessing the green potential of gravity,
and embracing speed,
this is the Sinclair Ski-5.
- The Ski-5? - Yeah.
Yeah, but what is it?
I know what you're thinking. Stop it.
You're thinking I've just got a bobsled
and I've put the shell of a Sinclair C5
- on top. - Yes.
Oh, no, Christopher. We've done this properly.
Obviously got rid of the wheels,
put some running rails on the bottom,
changed the steering.
Remember that bar where you turned?
I've gone for the pulleys, bobsled style.
Wouldn't it be easier just to run headlong
- at a brick wall? - No, Chris.
Cos you wouldn't have to travel. You'd just get
- the job done cleaner. - You know what
- I'm gonna try and do? - What?
It's what Sir Clive would have wanted when he designed it.
- What? - I wanna break
the national speed limit of 60mph.
Why would you want to do that?
In honour of Sir Clive.
FRED: To help me with my mission,
I'd be running on Norway's national bobsleigh track
in Lillehammer,
with the help a team of sledding experts,
led by Olympic coach Graham Richardson.
What's the chance of it making it to the bottom in one piece?
Ah, here he is. Here he is.
There's no guarantees.
Um, there's very, very precise lines that you have to drive
to not crash off the end of the corner.
Cos I've seen it on t'telly. I saw the Olympics.
That word you used there beginning with C...
That's important in the context of Fred.
Chris, adults speaking.
And the chances of getting to 60?
Um...
I don't know. I'm not sure about the aero on it.
It's open sides, a little bit slow,
but it very much depends how Fred drives it.
Ah.
FRED: Before letting me loose in the Ski-5,
Graham needed me to learn the course,
which, on a 16-corner track that's nearly a mile long,
wasn't exactly straightforward.
So, as you go into the corner, it'll come up.
You look for the straight. You turn it off, and over.
it's just like driving a car.
I thought I was turning up to sit down and go quick.
This on the left, incidentally, is the junior start,
where we're gonna be starting from with you today.
So when you get to the second pressure, the sled is high,
and with the nose in a good position
to actually steer through that and come off the corner.
Graham was talking me through it, but...
...he's talking a different language to what I knew.
He was talking about pressures
and getting onto corners too early,
and pointing out little things
you can look at when you're in a corner.
The problem with that is, there's 16 of them.
And they come up pretty fast.
FRED: Especially
as all too soon I was given my very own training sleigh
to take for a run.
And we're going... Oh, we're building up speed already!
When you come out into the 4-5 transition,
it's a nice long straight,
and what you should do here is just practise.
Just go... When I pull left,
the sled goes left. When I pull right, the sled goes right.
Is it fast at the minute, or is it...?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, this'll be cooking.
Ohhh!
Don't forget to steer. Today's coaching tip.
Yeah, steer.
Top runners are gonna be about here.
And as you let it run, it stays parallel.
When everything else is descending,
we're staying parallel and joining the high line.
Remember, a nice strong steer on the beginning of 13.
All right, we'll do another.
FRED: Had a couple of bumps, like,
but didn't land on me head, did I?
TANNOY: We have a crash. We have a crash.
FRED: It didn't go particularly well, Chris.
You do surprise me!
Here we go, look at this. So, here we go.
Oh! See?
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sideways.
- So I came in... - Yeah.
And then as I was going, I went over.
And me helmet was scraping on the wall,
and then pushed meself back up
and got back on me... on me things.
So you righted yourself using your own head?
Kind of, yeah.
FRED: Truth is, the high sides of the training sleigh
are designed to keep the driver properly protected -
protection I'd now have to leave behind,
lining up to give the Ski-5 its maiden voyage.
OK, so...remember, into the corners.
- Yeah. - Turn to parallel.
Let it run nice and free. Look for the exit.
Remember to look as long as you can.
- Steer it down the straight. - OK. Lovely stuff.
CHRIS ON RADIO: Andrew, can you hear me?
FRED ON RADIO: Loud and clear, Chris.
Just be careful, all right, because this looks terrifying.
That's great words from you, Chris.
That's a real good gee-up for me, that. Thank you.
Be mindful of the fact
there's a lot of trip hazards down here,
so I'm taking one for the team as well.
Ah. Chris, I'll see you in about a minute's time.
Cheers, mate.
Thanks, Graham.
In his head, he looks like he's created
the ultimate homage to the C5,
but from here, he looks like a really large toddler
being pushed in a pram.
TANNOY: Clear the track for a C5...
There you go. it's official now. There's...
TANNOY: The track is clear.
There's no backing down now, Fred. Here we go.
FRED: Here we go, the Sinclair C5 is going.
He's through the beam and he's away.
FRED: And we're off!
CHRIS: Come on, Andrew!
FRED: Coming round.
Down the first... It's a bit... It's twitching at the back.
Oh, my... He had a massive wobble there!
FRED: Coming round. Look at where you're going.
And we're off. Oh, it's a twitcher.
Now he's against the wall twice there.
FRED: Going down the straight now. Here we go, into 12.
Now he's picking up speed. Now he's really travelling.
FRED: Here we go. And into 13.
Just saw him over there.
FRED: Oh, 15.
Coming round.
Steering up into 16 and we're nearly finished!
And we're down.
- Never in doubt, Andrew. - It's, um...
- It's a little bit twitchy. - How does she handle?
Through the corners was all right.
Straight, it's all over the place.
Is it... Is it lacking stability?
A little bit.
How fast do you reckon you went?
I didn't feel I was flying that time. I reckon...50, max.
OK, can we get a speed?
- 54.6. - 54.6mph.
- 54? - Yeah. Point 6.
That's all right, that is.
So how can we get more speed?
- That was only the junior. - What?
- Send me from the top. - That wasn't the top?
No, that was only t'junior one.
I've got four more corners to go through. Get to the top,
I reckon 60mph - all day long.
- You're confident, are you? - Yeah.
FRED: Plus, Graham had a few ideas of his own.
GRAHAM: So what we've done is
we've moved up to the top of the track,
so we've got an extra 200 metres of track
- and maybe 30 metres of drop. - That should do it,
- shouldn't it? - That's gonna give us
a bit more speed, but I don't think it's gonna be enough.
- What? - We need a bit more weight.
Fred's not heavy enough.
We need to put 50 kilos in.
50 kilos?
50 kilos will get some more speed out of it, so look sharp.
CHRIS: So, as well as being promoted
from the children's start line,
to increase the amount of energy, and therefore speed,
that Fred would be carrying down the run,
we'd also now added a healthy lump of ballast.
Sitting at the top, it's a different course.
That first drop - wow.
I can just see probably 20 yards of track,
and then a roof. I don't even see the track.
CHRIS: Pushing him down now.
FRED: Oh, here we go. Look at this.
CHRIS: And he's away.
FRED: Bloomin' heck, it just disappears. And we're off.
I'm on me own here.
And we're going.
We're building up speed already.
CHRIS: He looks exposed. His head's above.
It's like watching an old Formula 1 car,
you know, when the canopy's so low and their torso's above.
FRED: Here we got. It's... It's all over the place, this.
Whacked a wall there.
FRED: Here we go, coming round.
Keep it straight.
Flashed through there. God, that looked fast.
FRED: Up we go. Five.
Into six.
Neat and tidy, Andrew, neat and tidy.
FRED: Watch for the exit. Watch for the exit to seven.
Bit sideways.
Oh, no, massive, massive wobble there!
FRED: Whoa! Whoa, it's a bumpy ride!
CHRIS: That's a code brown.
No, he's got it back together, he's got it back.
FRED: This is the one now, 12 into 13.
Looking for the exit now.
And we're coming round 11.
He's really flying!
FRED: This is a big straight into 14.
Get it set on the wall down. 15!
This is where I come off.
Come on, Clive! You'd better be enjoying this
if you're watching!
Let's see what the speed is!
Wow!
Whoo! Oh!
That looked like a wild ride.
That was a little bit different to the first one! Jeez!
I was steering, but it was just...
How many times did you hit a wall?
I hit a few walls!
But then you've just got to try and drive it
and get it back in.
OK. Do you want to know the speed?
Go on.
- Fifty... - Oh!
- ...nine... - No, you're winding me up.
- ...point two. - Shut up.
59.2. Right,
how do we get another 0.8mph? Come on.
- There is one way. - How?
- We go from the top... - Yeah.
- We've got the weight in... - Yeah.
We stick some spikes on your feet...and you push me.
Let's go full Olympic.
Get on the back, push me down. Let's go for it.
- Are you sure? - Not really.
(CHRIS LAUGHS)
But it's what Clive would have wanted.
(LAUGHTER)
FRED: Two... Three...
Six...
CHRIS: Are you going into a trance-like state?
FRED: Just visualising the course.
- Really? - There's a couple...
There's a couple of corners I'm a bit messy out of.
If I'm going faster, I really don't want to be.
CHRIS: Yeah, the video confirms that. When you say a couple...
FRED: All right, that'll do. You are spoiling me flow now.
Sorry. Do the counting thing again. That was impressive.
FRED: Thank you.
- CHRIS: Cos you got to 15. - (LAUGHS) Right.
OK? Come on.
FRED: Yeah, come on, Chris. Let's get going.
You and me. We're in.
- FRED: For Sir Clive. - CHRIS: We're doing this
for Sir Clive. 60mph.
FRED: Push me straight. Don't be messing about.
CHRIS: I'm not messing about.
FRED: Three, two, one.
Let's get out of here, Chris.
Oh, you're faster than I thought.
Give us a push, Chris. Nicely done. Thank you, Chris!
That's a bit different. He's started me off a bit quicker.
(LAUGHS)
FRED: Gathering it as we go. Turn one, to the left.
Please, a double pressure. For Sir Clive!
Get off it. Yes, nice.
Here we go. Into five. Little right...left-hander.
Into six. It's a swoop right. We're going round for Clive!
CHRIS: Come on, Fred.
FRED: We go down the labyrinth.
I'm going sideways, I'm banging around, but it doesn't matter,
cos this is for Clive.
Come on, Freddie!
CHRIS: Come on, Andrew.
FRED: For Sinclairs everywhere!
Spectrum 48Ks! Sinclair C5s!
Get off. Coming round, here he comes!
In the Olympics for Great Britain in a C5!
Please be over 60mph!
I'm coming round to the end. What have we got?
What is it?
Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake, brake!
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Whoa!
What's the speed?
CHRIS: Right, we need a speed.
Thank you. Where is he?
Oh, look at this, look at this. Look at the state of this.
Taken me a bit longer, Andrew!
FRED: Really? Well, what was it?
- Right. - Oh, no.
- How was it? - I'm... I'm hoping, Chris,
cos half of me would love to do it again...
...but half of me never wants to go near these things again
- in me life. - OK.
So I want to be above 60. For Sir Clive. What have we got?
Here we go. Track control.
Can we have Andrew's maximum speed on that run, please?
- RADIO: 61... - (YELLS)
(CHEERING)
- 61! - Get in there, Sir Clive!
(LAUGHS) Hey, thank you. Come on!
- Come on! - That's amazing.
FRED: 61. Get in! Thank you, Sir Clive.
- CHRIS: Well done. - FRED: Brilliant.
CHRIS: 61. Great effort.
(APPLAUSE)
CHRIS: 61. Done it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, look at him, he's like... Tch-tch-tch!
I've got to say, Fred, respect to you.
Taking on the bobsleigh run
in this bit of plastic that was built
in a Hoover factory in Wales.
What can I say? I give me all to this show. Take note, boys!
Was it as bad as it looked?
It give me a little bit of a workout, I'm not gonna lie!
But it also got me thinking.
What is it, Winter Olympics, four years' time?
Us three on the podium?
God Save The Queen? Hey?
Cool Runnings - not!
So, Fred, you've bungee-jumped a Rover Metro off a dam.
Yeah.
You've driven a Sinclair C5 down a bobsleigh.
What's next? Nissan Sunny into an active volcano?
Jammed in the boot of an Austin and fired into space.
Oh, that'll be good.
I was thinking a cup of tea and a re-evaluate.
Maybe Strictly.
Oh!
- No, no, no, no. - Oh!
- (CHEERING) - FRED: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Yes! - Hey!
(HUMS THEME TUNE TO Strictly Come Dancing)
Stop it. Stop it!
On second thoughts, get me a Nissan Sunny
and point me in the direction of the nearest volcano.
No chance this lad's doing the cha-cha-cha!
That's all for tonight.
We'll be back next week,
when Chris Harris drives a car from Norfolk
and the three of us hitch up the big rigs
and join the noble army of HGV drivers.
See you then. Thanks so much for watching. Goodnight!
(CHEERING)