[cheers and applause] andy: Coming to you from the historic largo theater in los
Andy: Coming to you from the historic largo theater in los angeles, it's conan!
Historic largo theater in los angeles, it's conan! I'm andy richter.
Angeles, it's conan! I'm andy richter. Tonight, ricky gervais.
And now, here he is, conan
o'brien!
Thank you.
O'brien! Thank you. Thank you very much.
Welcome to the program.
We have an excellent show
tonight.
Ricky gervais is on the show.
Tonight. Ricky gervais is on the show. He'll be talking to us from
across the pond as they say
about anyone being across the
Across the pond as they say about anyone being across the atlantic ocean, the atlantic
About anyone being across the atlantic ocean, the atlantic oths -- ocean being the pond.
Atlantic ocean, the atlantic oths -- ocean being the pond. Andy, how are you?
Oths -- ocean being the pond. Andy, how are you? Andy: That explanation was
helpful to a lot of people.
Conan: I came out here and had
Helpful to a lot of people. Conan: I came out here and had nothing.
I thought I could kill time
Nothing. I thought I could kill time explaining "across the pond."
andy: This is for people who
Explaining "across the pond." andy: This is for people who can't understand the deep
Andy: This is for people who can't understand the deep subtext of our program.
Can't understand the deep subtext of our program. Conan: Is it me or are the
Subtext of our program. Conan: Is it me or are the cardboard cutouts starting to
have a bit of an odor?
Cardboard cutouts starting to have a bit of an odor? We didn't use expensive
Have a bit of an odor? We didn't use expensive cardboard, it absorbs
cardboards.
Cardboard, it absorbs cardboards. We eat a lot of lunches in here.
Cardboards. We eat a lot of lunches in here. And they're starting to smell
like beef stew.
Andy: Very oniony beef stew.
Like beef stew. Andy: Very oniony beef stew. Conan: This front row.
I'm getting a stew by beef stew.
When we go to real audiences,
which I think will happen soon,
I will demand them to have a
Which I think will happen soon, I will demand them to have a smell of beef stew.
If you have admission after the
Smell of beef stew. If you have admission after the quarantine is lifted, you are
going to have to smell like beef
Quarantine is lifted, you are going to have to smell like beef stew.
Going to have to smell like beef stew. Listen, I'm saying a lot of
Stew. Listen, I'm saying a lot of nonsense.
But there's some news that's
Nonsense. But there's some news that's getting buried with everything
that's happening, with president
Getting buried with everything that's happening, with president trump not wanting to concede,
That's happening, with president trump not wanting to concede, maybe he's never going to leave
Trump not wanting to concede, maybe he's never going to leave and our republic will collapse.
Maybe he's never going to leave and our republic will collapse. There's other news.
And our republic will collapse. There's other news. Apparent le, there's another
recall of romaine lettuce due to
e. Coli.
Recall of romaine lettuce due to e. Coli. This sort of thing seems to
E. Coli. This sort of thing seems to happen almost constantly,
doesn't it?
Happen almost constantly, doesn't it? We're always hearing about these
Doesn't it? We're always hearing about these recalls of leites because of e.
Coli.
Recalls of leites because of e. Coli. We have a brand-new sponsor.
And they solved the problem.
Take a look.
>> yet, another e. Coli outbreak
in romaine lettuce.
It feels like there's a recall
In romaine lettuce. It feels like there's a recall every week.
Aren't you tired of never
Every week. Aren't you tired of never knowing if or when your romain
has e. Coli?
Knowing if or when your romain has e. Coli? Well, with constant coli romaine
Has e. Coli? Well, with constant coli romaine lettuce, you'll never have to
guess again.
Lettuce, you'll never have to guess again. Because our romain always has e.
Guess again. Because our romain always has e. Coli guaranteed.
Hmm, romaine lettuce in a
delicious cesar salad,
absolutely packed with e. Coli.
Delicious cesar salad, absolutely packed with e. Coli. And every head of cons at that
Absolutely packed with e. Coli. And every head of cons at that particular time coli romain
comes with a recipe for grand
Particular time coli romain comes with a recipe for grand ma's lettuce wraps, frequently
Comes with a recipe for grand ma's lettuce wraps, frequently asked question, about acute
Ma's lettuce wraps, frequently asked question, about acute kidney failure and tip and
Asked question, about acute kidney failure and tip and tricks with dealing with
Kidney failure and tip and tricks with dealing with diarrhea.
Tricks with dealing with diarrhea. All right.
Diarrhea. All right. Now, we're talking.
Constant coli romaine lettuce.
>> I'm full of it.
Ha-hoo!
Conan: We have a great show
tonight.
Hold on.
Tonight. Hold on. Just a second.
I'm told I'm getting a zoom
call, really?
From one of my writers.
Call, really? From one of my writers. Hi, lawrie.
>> how's it going?
Conan: Is it ok if I call you
back because I'm taping a show
right now.
Back because I'm taping a show right now. >> I won't keep you.
Right now. >> I won't keep you. I just wonder, could you write
me a letter of recommendation?
Conan: Letter of recommendation?
Me a letter of recommendation? Conan: Letter of recommendation? Like a job recommendation.
>> I'm trying to apply for a
job.
Conan: Housekeeper for the
Job. Conan: Housekeeper for the prince and the middletons.
You're an incredible standup
Prince and the middletons. You're an incredible standup comic and you're a writer for
me.
Comic and you're a writer for me. That's like the holy grail.
Me. That's like the holy grail. Why would you want to be a
housekeeper?
>> well, I don't know.
Housekeeper? >> well, I don't know. I guess because kensington
palace would be my house.
Conan: I see.
Palace would be my house. Conan: I see. >> do you see?
This is my current house.
Conan: It's nice enough.
>> and this would be my future
house.
Conan: I get it.
House. Conan: I get it. >> so let's just shuttle back
and forth between the two.
My house.
And forth between the two. My house. Their house.
My house.
Their house.
>> they're looking for a
housekeeper with discretion.
That means you have to keep it
Housekeeper with discretion. That means you have to keep it for yourself.
You think you can do that?
For yourself. You think you can do that? >> I never told anyone you have
a panic attack before every
show.
A panic attack before every show. Conan: I don't think it's every
Show. Conan: I don't think it's every single show.
>> you grab your producer and
Single show. >> you grab your producer and you're going to -- you say,
they're going to eat me alive,
You're going to -- you say, they're going to eat me alive, mommy.
They're going to eat me alive, mommy. Conan: I'll write you a
Mommy. Conan: I'll write you a recommendation.
>> what about when you showed up
Recommendation. >> what about when you showed up with a giant blue hoop skirt?
Conan: I said it wasn't a bad
With a giant blue hoop skirt? Conan: I said it wasn't a bad idea.
>> I could have.
Idea. >> I could have. But I never mentioned your
anthony michael hall back
tattoo.
Anthony michael hall back tattoo. Conan: He was great in "johnny
Tattoo. Conan: He was great in "johnny b. Good."
>> you paid for someone to chew
B. Good." >> you paid for someone to chew your food and you said eat hiss
lunchy.
Your food and you said eat hiss lunchy. Conan: All right, all right!
Lunchy. Conan: All right, all right! I'll write your recommendation.
Got a terrific show.
Ricky gervais will be joining
us.
We'll be right back.
Us. We'll be right back. Getting hungry.
Andy, can you chew my food?
Baby bird wants his lunchy!
Andy: All right.
I'll be right there.
Conan: My guest tonight is an emmy-award comedian and created "the office."
Emmy-award comedian and created "the office." his most recent series" after
life" can be streamed on
His most recent series" after life" can be streamed on netflix, our friend mr. Ricky
Life" can be streamed on netflix, our friend mr. Ricky gervais.
Netflix, our friend mr. Ricky gervais. Ricky, how are you?
Gervais. Ricky, how are you? Ricky: Fine.
Conan: You are in England.
And you guys just went into
lockdown again.
Is that right?
Lockdown again. Is that right? Ricky: Yeah, our second wave.
We've just come out actually.
But it went crazy again.
And so, yeah, we're on second
lockdown just for one -- one
month to sort things out.
Lockdown just for one -- one month to sort things out. It's like, this year's been no
Month to sort things out. It's like, this year's been no different to me.
I don't know whether we're in
Different to me. I don't know whether we're in lockdown or not, really.
It doesn't make a lot of
Lockdown or not, really. It doesn't make a lot of difference to me.
I've never like people coming to
Difference to me. I've never like people coming to the house.
I've got enough booze for a
The house. I've got enough booze for a winter.
The evenings haven't changed.
Winter. The evenings haven't changed. This is good.
I like this as well.
The fact that I don't have to
see you in person or smell you
is good.
See you in person or smell you is good. Conan: I understand.
Is good. Conan: I understand. I understand.
Ricky: I'm certainly happier in
this interview than our previous
one.
This interview than our previous one. Conan: You've always complained.
One. Conan: You've always complained. You'd said I'd love to do this
but over zoom.
I would love to be 6,000 miles
But over zoom. I would love to be 6,000 miles away from you.
Ricky: But it's great.
Away from you. Ricky: But it's great. Which makes me think how
terrible -- we had a pandemic
before in the 17th century, the
Terrible -- we had a pandemic before in the 17th century, the great plague.
Before in the 17th century, the great plague. And there was no zoom.
Great plague. And there was no zoom. And that was awful.
That was dreadful.
Conan: Right.
Right.
Ricky: You know, you get --
conan: People have said many
people wrote become in their
Conan: People have said many people wrote become in their journals back then.
People wrote become in their journals back then. If only there was a way we can
Journals back then. If only there was a way we can speak to each other with crappy
resolution and a lag time,
Speak to each other with crappy resolution and a lag time, wouldn't our lives be better?
Resolution and a lag time, wouldn't our lives be better? Let me point out also, we're on
Wouldn't our lives be better? Let me point out also, we're on different time schedules.
So you're not drinking alcohol
Different time schedules. So you're not drinking alcohol in the morning.
Ricky: I'm hardly drinking
In the morning. Ricky: I'm hardly drinking alcohol, I'm drinking beer,
which is a soft drink in
Alcohol, I'm drinking beer, which is a soft drink in England.
Which is a soft drink in England. That's when you drink when
you're hungover.
[laughter]
You're hungover. [laughter] conan: I forgot that in England
and ireland when you go to a
Conan: I forgot that in England and ireland when you go to a restaurant you buy a child a
And ireland when you go to a restaurant you buy a child a beer.
Restaurant you buy a child a beer. [laughter]
Beer. [laughter] ricky: Yeah.
Even if it's not your child.
Ricky: Yeah. Even if it's not your child. You just say drink for all the
children.
Conan: Drink for all the kids.
Children. Conan: Drink for all the kids. Ricky: You're a rich american --
conan: I've done that many
times.
Conan: I've done that many times. Ricky: -- Of ireland.
Times. Ricky: -- Of ireland. Conan: Begin es for -- begin
ness for all the kids.
I love "after life," the new
Ness for all the kids. I love "after life," the new series.
The show is -- I really love it.
Series. The show is -- I really love it. It's dark and it's clear that
you are thinking a lot about
your own mortality all the time.
You are thinking a lot about your own mortality all the time. And it influences your work.
Your own mortality all the time. And it influences your work. Do you think about it?
Do you think about how you want
to go?
Ricky: Yeah and I think I'm
To go? Ricky: Yeah and I think I'm drawn to it.
I think comedians are obsessed
Drawn to it. I think comedians are obsessed with it because it's the last
taboo.
With it because it's the last taboo. And it makes people feel
Taboo. And it makes people feel uncomfortable.
And I like taking people to the
Uncomfortable. And I like taking people to the dark place.
And you know, it's like taking
Dark place. And you know, it's like taking them through a scary forest and
out the other side.
Them through a scary forest and out the other side. I think that no harm can come
Out the other side. I think that no harm can come from discussing taboo subjects.
And think we find that funny.
From discussing taboo subjects. And think we find that funny. We find being scared funny.
And -- and death obviously is
the ultimate.
But I don't -- I don't think
The ultimate. But I don't -- I don't think I'll think more of it when I
die.
We're all going to die.
Die. We're all going to die. So the best is enjoy life as
much as you can.
I don't really -- I don't really
Much as you can. I don't really -- I don't really care about being dead because I
won't know about it.
Care about being dead because I won't know about it. That's the best thing about
Won't know about it. That's the best thing about being dead.
It's going to be painful for
Being dead. It's going to be painful for others.
So -- but I suppose I worry
Others. So -- but I suppose I worry about how I die.
I don't want to die alone or in
About how I die. I don't want to die alone or in agony.
I don't want to diane
Agony. I don't want to diane embarrassing death.
Conan: I think about that a lot.
Embarrassing death. Conan: I think about that a lot. I don't want to be embarrassed
or humiliated in any way.
You know, I -- I don't want
Or humiliated in any way. You know, I -- I don't want that.
I don't want that.
That. I don't want that. I want it to be a very dignified
death.
Ricky: Exactly.
Death. Ricky: Exactly. There was a -- there was --
years ago there was a british
m.P. That was found hung in his
Years ago there was a british m.P. That was found hung in his wardrobe, right, wearing lady's
M.P. That was found hung in his wardrobe, right, wearing lady's tights with an orange tight --
Wardrobe, right, wearing lady's tights with an orange tight -- he was masturbating.
Tights with an orange tight -- he was masturbating. If I am found -- I'm not into
He was masturbating. If I am found -- I'm not into that stuff -- if I am found, one
of my friends stitch med up and
That stuff -- if I am found, one of my friends stitch med up and pulled the papers.
Of my friends stitch med up and pulled the papers. I just want to say that now,
Pulled the papers. I just want to say that now, right?
I bet you haven't got a wardrobe
Right? I bet you haven't got a wardrobe big enough for you masturbating,
have you?
Big enough for you masturbating, have you? Conan: I've tested it could I
Have you? Conan: I've tested it could I hang myself in here while
masturbating?
Hang myself in here while masturbating? And I've had car penters come in
Masturbating? And I've had car penters come in and they were saying, no, no, no
you don't have enough room for
And they were saying, no, no, no you don't have enough room for that.
You don't have enough room for that. Because masturbating you need
That. Because masturbating you need elbow room.
Ricky: That would be great.
Elbow room. Ricky: That would be great. Could I speak to the manager?
What is it?
What's your biggest -- what's
your roomiest wardrobe, please?
Conan: Look, I need to hang
Your roomiest wardrobe, please? Conan: Look, I need to hang myself while masturbating and
there's no room in here for
Myself while masturbating and there's no room in here for that, plus, you still need room
There's no room in here for that, plus, you still need room for the clothes.
That, plus, you still need room for the clothes. Ricky: Yeah.
For the clothes. Ricky: Yeah. And you don't want to be too
suspicious.
You don't want people to go, is
Suspicious. You don't want people to go, is that a death wanking wardrobe?
It's got to look like a normal
That a death wanking wardrobe? It's got to look like a normal wardrobe.
And when you go inside there are
Wardrobe. And when you go inside there are things like steps and like a
really good bath, a really good
Things like steps and like a really good bath, a really good white --
Really good bath, a really good white -- [laughter]
White -- [laughter] conan: Now, you want do you want
to be buried, cremated?
Conan: Now, you want do you want to be buried, cremated? What do you want to happen with
To be buried, cremated? What do you want to happen with your body once you're gone?
Ricky: I thought it would be
Your body once you're gone? Ricky: I thought it would be good just fed to the lions at
london zoo.
Good just fed to the lions at london zoo. That would be useful.
London zoo. That would be useful. We take everything from this
world.
We just -- we -- animals,
World. We just -- we -- animals, anything that moves, we eat.
We destroy.
Anything that moves, we eat. We destroy. Deforestation.
Anything we do is for us.
We're not even food for other
things.
I think at least then I would be
Things. I think at least then I would be given -- also, I like the look
on their faces when they throw
Given -- also, I like the look on their faces when they throw this fat, naked 73-year-old if
On their faces when they throw this fat, naked 73-year-old if I'm lucky.
This fat, naked 73-year-old if I'm lucky. As it lands they would say, is
that the blimp from "the
office."
That the blimp from "the office." steve carrell?
Office." steve carrell? No, [beep] steve carrell.
Steve carrell? No, [beep] steve carrell. Conan: The original office.
Ricky: Steve carrell is still
alive and really handsome.
Conan: And so the lions are just
Alive and really handsome. Conan: And so the lions are just ripping you apart.
Ricky: The people are like,
Ripping you apart. Ricky: The people are like, they've never seen a person like
that before.
They've never seen a person like that before. The lion, they always start with
That before. The lion, they always start with the soft bits.
If two lions went for my
The soft bits. If two lions went for my testicles, they would be in for
a shock because they're grizzly
Testicles, they would be in for a shock because they're grizzly and long.
A shock because they're grizzly and long. It would be like "lady and the
And long. It would be like "lady and the tramp."
[laughter]
Tramp." [laughter] conan: And then they would meet
in the middle and kiss.
Conan: And then they would meet in the middle and kiss. Ricky: And all the
In the middle and kiss. Ricky: And all the conan: You know, one thing
you're doing that is great is
Conan: You know, one thing you're doing that is great is you're staying scene by -- sane
You're doing that is great is you're staying scene by -- sane by doing a live stream on
You're staying scene by -- sane by doing a live stream on twitter.
By doing a live stream on twitter. And what's really nice is that
Twitter. And what's really nice is that your fans -- you've got a lot of
fans that get to ask you absurd
Your fans -- you've got a lot of fans that get to ask you absurd questions.
Fans that get to ask you absurd questions. Ricky: That's the best thing
Questions. Ricky: That's the best thing about it because podcasts are
great and shows are great.
About it because podcasts are great and shows are great. But I think in the audience, the
Great and shows are great. But I think in the audience, the people are talking.
But here I'm answering their
People are talking. But here I'm answering their questions.
I want to do it live and use
Questions. I want to do it live and use some of their questions because
they range from really
Some of their questions because they range from really interesting philosophical
They range from really interesting philosophical questions to just ridiculous
Interesting philosophical questions to just ridiculous questions.
Questions to just ridiculous questions. But it's -- it's really good
Questions. But it's -- it's really good fun.
You're right.
Fun. You're right. It keeps me sane.
And it's free.
It's like a big sort of online
club.
So I'm really enjoying that,
Club. So I'm really enjoying that, yeah.
Conan: What kind of questions
Yeah. Conan: What kind of questions have you got that you really
liked?
Have you got that you really liked? Ricky: They know I love science
Liked? Ricky: They know I love science and nature.
They said what is the most
And nature. They said what is the most amazing fact about nature.
And it makes you think because
Amazing fact about nature. And it makes you think because it's so amazing.
My answer was humans are more
It's so amazing. My answer was humans are more closely related to salmon than
salmon are to sharks.
Closely related to salmon than salmon are to sharks. Conan: I didn't know that.
Salmon are to sharks. Conan: I didn't know that. Ricky: The vastness, the length
of time, the number of
generations in evolution.
Of time, the number of generations in evolution. And -- and then someone asked
Generations in evolution. And -- and then someone asked me, would I rather have thumbs
for nipples or nipples for
Me, would I rather have thumbs for nipples or nipples for thumbs?
For nipples or nipples for thumbs? Conan: What's your answer?
Thumbs? Conan: What's your answer? Conan: I would rather have
thumbs for nipples because then
I would hitchhike while reading
Thumbs for nipples because then I would hitchhike while reading a book.
[laughter]
A book. [laughter] conan: I think I want the
nipples on the thumbs.
Conan: I think I want the nipples on the thumbs. Ricky: Really?
Nipples on the thumbs. Ricky: Really? Conan: I can wear mittens and I
would be constantly arousing
myself.
Would be constantly arousing myself. I would be in a constant state
Myself. I would be in a constant state of full arousal.
Also, my hands are coal.
Of full arousal. Also, my hands are coal. Ricky: If they were lactating
nipples, you would have a little
bit of a sus nance.
Nipples, you would have a little bit of a sus nance. Conan: -- Sustenance.
Bit of a sus nance. Conan: -- Sustenance. Conan: I would have a bit of
coffee --
ricky: You would be a 6'6" man.
Coffee -- ricky: You would be a 6'6" man. And you would go, no, no, it's
Ricky: You would be a 6'6" man. And you would go, no, no, it's the nipples.
Conan: They would all know that
The nipples. Conan: They would all know that I would be the guy trying to
hang himself while masturbating.
In the hierarchy of embarrassing
Hang himself while masturbating. In the hierarchy of embarrassing things --
ricky: If a time travel every
Things -- ricky: If a time travel every comes to your door from 25 years
Ricky: If a time travel every comes to your door from 25 years in the future and you're allowed
Comes to your door from 25 years in the future and you're allowed to ask him one question, which I
In the future and you're allowed to ask him one question, which I thought was really -- that was
To ask him one question, which I thought was really -- that was really good as well, what would
Thought was really -- that was really good as well, what would you ask him?
Really good as well, what would you ask him? Conan: I would say, how was I
You ask him? Conan: I would say, how was I murdered?
You know?
Murdered? You know? I always want to know --
[laughter]
because I know someone's going
kill me.
Because I know someone's going kill me. It's inevitable.
Kill me. It's inevitable. And I might be more specific and
say how did ricky gervais murder
me?
Say how did ricky gervais murder me? Oh, what ricky did was really
Me? Oh, what ricky did was really clever.
Ricky: It was the old collapsing
Clever. Ricky: It was the old collapsing wardrobe trip.
Columbo worked -- walked out
Wardrobe trip. Columbo worked -- walked out from --
[laughter]
From -- [laughter] I get a lot of cats and dogs --
I've got a lot of cats an dogs.
And the cats and dogs, they ask
questions from their
perspective.
Questions from their perspective. There's one dog called bella who
Perspective. There's one dog called bella who asks me questions.
One of the questions was, I see
Asks me questions. One of the questions was, I see you won a lot of awards.
But have you ever found a really
You won a lot of awards. But have you ever found a really good stick and taken it all the
way home?
Good stick and taken it all the way home? [laughter]
Way home? [laughter] conan: Who's to say who's the
bigger accomplishment?
Conan: Who's to say who's the bigger accomplishment? Who's to say?
Bigger accomplishment? Who's to say? Ricky: Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Conan: Question about your
lovely girlfriend jane.
Lovely person.
Lovely girlfriend jane. Lovely person. You guys have been together for
I think 38 years now.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Conan: Do you ever think of
popping the question or have you
decided who needs that?
Popping the question or have you decided who needs that? Our relationship is fine to be
Decided who needs that? Our relationship is fine to be married.
Ricky: Yeah, we don't want our
Married. Ricky: Yeah, we don't want our families to meet.
[laughter]
Families to meet. [laughter] conan: This has made my day.
Talking to you has made my day.
Conan: This has made my day. Talking to you has made my day. Ricky: Mine too.
It's been fun.
Conan: I always love talking to
you.
But right now -- especially
You. But right now -- especially right now when I find out I get
to talk to ricky gervais today,
Right now when I find out I get to talk to ricky gervais today, I thought ok, that's a good day
To talk to ricky gervais today, I thought ok, that's a good day in quarantine.
I'm take it.
In quarantine. I'm take it. -- I'll take it.
I want you to stay well.
Seasons one and two of "after
life" are available to stream on
netflix and it's really a
Life" are available to stream on netflix and it's really a terrific show.
Netflix and it's really a terrific show. It's sweet and it's funny, and
Terrific show. It's sweet and it's funny, and it actually does feel like a
very good show for right now.
It actually does feel like a very good show for right now. Ricky: It is.
Very good show for right now. Ricky: It is. And a lot of people have said
that it's helped them through
lockdown and their own grief.
That it's helped them through lockdown and their own grief. Ultimately, it is jup lift, and
Lockdown and their own grief. Ultimately, it is jup lift, and it's very dark and it's very
funny even though it's about
It's very dark and it's very funny even though it's about that subject, it's funny because
Funny even though it's about that subject, it's funny because I play a guy who says what he
That subject, it's funny because I play a guy who says what he wants because I don't care about
life anymore.
Wants because I don't care about life anymore. I should say it's a comedy.
Life anymore. I should say it's a comedy. Conan: It is a comedy.
Trust me, people would know just
you being involved, it would be
a comedy.
You being involved, it would be a comedy. But it's very funny.
A comedy. But it's very funny. And as you always say to me,
cheers, be well.
And thank you very much.
Cheers, be well. And thank you very much. Ricky: Cheers.
My
conan: All right.
That's our show.
Conan: All right. That's our show. I'm wearing an old-fashioned
prison denim jacket.
Goodbye, everybody.